I feel like I've been in a coma today. I've been dead to the world. I barely woke up in time to go to church. . .made it through the 4th and 5th grade Sunday school craziness and then made it through the service. The music has become really lacking lately but we did sing a song I am quite fond of.
Then I'm sitting in church listening to the sermon about how God is self-sacrificing and I'm thinking "do I believe this anymore?" and "why does this seem to have no bearing on how I'm living my life right now?"
I came home, ate a bit of lunch, and fell asleep for 2 1/2 hours. Then I ate again and laid in bed and watched TV shows on my computer. I've been doing that all evening and right up until about 10 minutes ago. Except for when I had to run to walgreens to get a soda, chips, and candy. That's all gone plus the popcorn I ate before that and some cereal I just finished.
On my way to Walgreens to get the food that I used as something slightly numbing (unfortunately I am out of alcohol or that may have been used), I asked myself what my problem was. And I answered, "I don't believe You (God) actually care about me." Then I asked myself why I thought that, especially since it's something I was raised believing (mostly) and had really started to believe in the last few years. Again I answered myself, "I don't believe it because if You did care about me, I wouldn't be how I am. I wouldn't be all alone, miserable in freakin Wichita, KS, I wouldn't have grown up the way I did, I wouldn't still be holding on to what I am holding onto. If you cared about me, I wouldn't be the way that I am."
I don't know what to do with that really. I do know that I am sick of my life the way it is. As usual I don't know what to do about it though. There doesn't seem to be much to do. Like I was three years ago, I am stuck here. Stuck. Physically, emotionally, stuck in every way. And still have no idea how to get out. This is getting fucking old.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Dreams
I'm not sure why I choose to torture myself sometimes.
Today I went to see the movie Fame...it was pretty cool actually. Really awesome dance scenes and camera work. I didn't like how most of the songs didn't seem to actually be sung by the actors though.
But at the end when the song is all about holding onto dreams . . . I wonder, really? And realize that I'm in this world where we always talk about living your dreams when it seems that. . .most dreams just don't come true.
I am pursuing a career as a physician's assistant...hopefully I will get into a program this time and in two years I can find a job at a doctor's office, clinic, or hospital. It's not a bad career and I actually do what to do it. But when I think about why I want to one of the reasons that pops up in my head is "because I can't do what I always wanted to do."
I had a pretty honest conversation with my brother when I went to IL for my family reunion. He told me he was jealous that I got a car when he still has his much less expensive one that he had to buy. I told him that I absolutely hated that I couldn't buy my own car and that I had my own set of jealousy about things with him. Right after moving his junior year of high school, he got to be in Grease. Then another year he was in another musical. And then this past spring he did something that made me want to throw a temper tantrum (complete with beating my fists on the floor, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!")...he was in Guys and Dolls. The first musical I ever saw at the age of 6. At the age of 6, I thought "I want to do that."
I never got to. I went to a high school with no music department, no theatre department. The next town over did...and they did a production of Guys and Dolls. My sister has been in it twice. Ok sure her college production of it wasn't very good but still.
I was in a silly play in high school that performed once for the grade school kids...and I did do a play in college and Fiddler on the Roof at church. And usually doing those things made me observe the people around me and think "they're so good and I'm not..I could never do this all the time."
I was never pushed, I never thought to push myself. I was shy and unsure of myself and scared. I was aware at a young age that although I could sing, I didn't have the natural musical talent I observed in other people. I could never learn to read music. And I rarely sing anymore except to music in the car. In fact, that's not very good anymore because I can feel my vocal muscles straining and it's like they're saying "No, stop, we're out of shape, don't use us!" Even if I did try to sing more, I sometimes still dream of it being more . . .
Maybe I just feel this way because even being a PA is a far off dream. I don't get to do what I would love to do and I don't get to do what I have decided to do so I feel like a failure right now.
I do get to have a dream come true though...thanks to a PA program interview, I get to go to New York City for the first time ever. I am SO excited, you have no idea. Not all dreams are impossible.
Today I went to see the movie Fame...it was pretty cool actually. Really awesome dance scenes and camera work. I didn't like how most of the songs didn't seem to actually be sung by the actors though.
But at the end when the song is all about holding onto dreams . . . I wonder, really? And realize that I'm in this world where we always talk about living your dreams when it seems that. . .most dreams just don't come true.
I am pursuing a career as a physician's assistant...hopefully I will get into a program this time and in two years I can find a job at a doctor's office, clinic, or hospital. It's not a bad career and I actually do what to do it. But when I think about why I want to one of the reasons that pops up in my head is "because I can't do what I always wanted to do."
I had a pretty honest conversation with my brother when I went to IL for my family reunion. He told me he was jealous that I got a car when he still has his much less expensive one that he had to buy. I told him that I absolutely hated that I couldn't buy my own car and that I had my own set of jealousy about things with him. Right after moving his junior year of high school, he got to be in Grease. Then another year he was in another musical. And then this past spring he did something that made me want to throw a temper tantrum (complete with beating my fists on the floor, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!")...he was in Guys and Dolls. The first musical I ever saw at the age of 6. At the age of 6, I thought "I want to do that."
I never got to. I went to a high school with no music department, no theatre department. The next town over did...and they did a production of Guys and Dolls. My sister has been in it twice. Ok sure her college production of it wasn't very good but still.
I was in a silly play in high school that performed once for the grade school kids...and I did do a play in college and Fiddler on the Roof at church. And usually doing those things made me observe the people around me and think "they're so good and I'm not..I could never do this all the time."
I was never pushed, I never thought to push myself. I was shy and unsure of myself and scared. I was aware at a young age that although I could sing, I didn't have the natural musical talent I observed in other people. I could never learn to read music. And I rarely sing anymore except to music in the car. In fact, that's not very good anymore because I can feel my vocal muscles straining and it's like they're saying "No, stop, we're out of shape, don't use us!" Even if I did try to sing more, I sometimes still dream of it being more . . .
Maybe I just feel this way because even being a PA is a far off dream. I don't get to do what I would love to do and I don't get to do what I have decided to do so I feel like a failure right now.
I do get to have a dream come true though...thanks to a PA program interview, I get to go to New York City for the first time ever. I am SO excited, you have no idea. Not all dreams are impossible.
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