Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Frustrated

I am frustrated.
I'm frustrated that things went from getting better to right back downhill. What's wrong with me? I was excited about my job. . .it came at just the right time. . .and now I'm sitting here hating it. It's only been 2 months! Now I'm dreading that it lasts until next November. I've been feeling like this for awhile now. I love my boss and the people in the office but this job is already making me want to snap.
Then there's BF. Part of the time it all seems fine but then I keep finding myself unhappy about it. I want to be pursued. I don't want to always be the one making suggestions of when to get together. And feeling like I'm very low on the priority list. I think he really likes me but there's just something missing.

I got a part in Fiddler. It's small but it's something. Am I excited about it? Not really.

I got asked to sing in my church's worship team from time to time. Am I excited about that? Only a little.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do things seem to start going well only for it to all go sour again? This is so frustrating. I have no idea what to do.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Every once in awhile I am reminded that even though things are definitely better now, there are still times when I am not quite content about what my life is right now.
A lady from work had pictures from her trip to Colorado. I looked and now I can't stop thinking about it. I definitely still miss Colorado. Part of me still wishes I lived there. I still have no idea what my life is going to hold here. . .I could end up staying for quite a while. I could end up finishing up this job then moving on. Who knows. But I do know that every so often I'd do anything to go back. I've gotten to the point that I know I don't always want to live in Wichita. I don't really like it. And now that I've been here this length of time, it will make sense for me to plan on going to grad school at one of the state schools.
I don't know. Sometimes I think that I still want to live in the middle of a big city but then I think of wanting a garden and dog and it makes me want to live out in the country.

Right now, though, I will continue to be here and make the best of it. Who knows what it will hold.

Oh my gosh. I am home for lunch and watching The Fabulous Life of London on VH1 and they just said something about a diamond-studded tea bag! That's ridiculous! And I thought I had expensive taste!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

audition

I auditioned for Fiddler on the Roof.

I'm not holding my breath.

I think I should find out by Friday or so.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Interesting day

So today was interesting.

I ran into D today. And got the satisfaction of letting him know that I was just fine. . .and that I had a boyfriend. :) Not that I need a boyfriend to be fine...but still.
I was a little nervous at first but then I calmed down. Why should I be nervous talking to someone like him?

The hardest part? One of the kids was with him. Honestly, that made me ache.

But it was fine. I realized that it was all a year ago. . .weird huh? So much has happened. Things continue to be good even when I freak out a little. I was thinking today again how things just really fell into place again and how I am changing and growing. It's hurt, it's been crappy, but it's also been wonderful and freeing.

Ok I'm going to go back to talking to BF now.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Brief tidbits

Few little tidbits:

Saw The Bourne Ultimatium tonight. It's really good. I went with BF and a friend of his. We also ate mexican food. It was yummy.

I am hanging out with someone from Bible study this week. So doing that whole getting out and getting to know people other than BF.

The most exciting tidbit:
My church is doing a production of Fiddler on the Roof and auditions are next week! I am going to audition and I really hope I get a part! It would be SO awesome! It would prevent me from going to Bible study for the next 2 1/2 months but it'll be worth it. I may not have to go every Monday night anyway.

Ok that's the end of the tidbits

Saturday, August 11, 2007

I really need to chill

I just watched an Avril Lavigne video for her song, "When You're Gone." I am crying now.

This was been an interesting week. Work has been fine, except that the potential craziness that I thought would happen hasn't and I don't think it will. Ok there was some craziness surrounding the design of a poster that happened one day after I left. We have 6 events over two weeks starting next weekend that we're getting ready for. I'll be traveling all over Kansas. I'll be getting some overtime and a few days off. Woohoo!

For me, the most interesting has had to do with BF. Something hasn't seemed right the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out what is was. Monday after surprising a few friends with an anniversary dinner, we got dinner and he came over. Then he sat and looked at houses on my computer. Then Tuesday I got online after work and he said what seemed like two words to me, then said "I'm going to go, I'll talk to you later." I was a little irritated. And it wasn't the first time that I just felt like he had no interest in talking to me. Then I did some thinking and worked up the courage to tell him that it bothered me that we hadn't been talking as much. (Ok I told him in an e-mail). It bothered me that he seemed to really like me when we're around each other but then it's like when I'm not around he doesn't have to pay attention to me. I was a little worried about how he would take it but I also felt huge relief that I told him what I was thinking about. By the next morning (I didn't talk to him at all the rest of the evening), I had an e-mail from him apologizing. He did say that he does have the tendency to close up a little bit when he has a lot of things he's thinking about. Which doesn't have to be a bad thing but if I don't know that then I'm going to think it's something else, like him not liking me or something. Right now he's trying to figure out if he should buy a house, stick with the plan of going to PA (physician's assistant) school, or pursue a job at the conference office that is opening up. Personally it sounds like he still wants to go for being a PA so he should still stick with that. But anyway, he does have a lot to think about and I can understand that.
So I felt better until Thursday night. Then I found myself not wanting to sit around wondering if he was actually going to talk to me. So I just got offline and started watching a movie. That only made me more frustrated because I really actually wanted to be talking to him. So after a frustrated call to my mom I replied to a text message he sent and told him I was frustrated and that the only reason I started watching a movie and got off my computer because I didn't want to sit there wondering if he was going to talk to me. Geez what is it with me being all out there with how I feel lately? Well then we actually talked. And I told him what I was thinking.
I'm caught in the middle of being scared if it doesn't work out but also being scared to continue to get attached. I think I may already be attached.
Yes, there are some things I still think I need to do like continue to try to get to know some more people. There are a few options of some groups at my church I'm going to check out. And I think I'm going to try and encourage our Bible study group to do some more things outside of our normal meeting time.
It's so difficult sometimes to just chill and enjoy things from day to day. I do have trouble with that. Why? Why can't I just accept that right now is right now? Sometimes I look at my life and think it's not what it's supposed to be at my age. But why does it matter? Why do I think there's a proper stage of life associated with a certain age? I have no idea. I still have hopes about what I want to do. I am going to plan on starting grad school after my job at the conference office is over. I think I'm going to have to start studying for the GRE now! I looked at BF's study guide for it and I felt pretty dumb. I'm going to look into going to either WSU, K-State, or KU. By the time I am ready to go I'll have Kansas residency so I may as well at least get my master's here so I can get in-state tuition.
Anyway, things are good now with BF since we actually got to sit down and talk and he knows more of where I'm coming from. Last night was funny; he went over to a friend's house but kept sending me text messages. I kept being a flirt. It's fun flirting with text messages. :)

I get to see him this afternoon. I get to go to the country. I'm excited. I think I may be bad and go see if I can get a new shirt.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I think I have a wonderful art of bringing up something that makes it a lot worse than it really is. When I finally talked to BF I felt better about everything and think I just really confused him.
As corny as I still think it sounds, I know some of the reason I wasn't feeling good about anything in my life is my wonderful ability to stop trusting God. Ok maybe it's not that corny but it is sometimes still hard for me to admit that, yes, it makes a difference in my life. And when I do just sit and make it a point to put my focus back on God, I feel better.

Anway, last night I sawt he 3rd Austin Powers. And I liked it. We also watched Casino Royale. I liked it too. BF loves James Bond. Which is definitely fine by me; I want to see some of the Sean Connery ones.

Oh and here's the big news: I'm meeting his parents today. We're going to a casino in Oklahoma. He said his parents never go but decided to give it a shot. And it's an Indian casino which means his sister can go (she's under 21). I've already met his grandparents and now it's on to his parents, sister, and neice. His neice is about 7 months old. So we'll see how that goes.

Ok I'm going to the pool now.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

tired of being afraid

I agree with the comment on my previous post. I think that is still one of my problems; as far as someone else to hang out with I don't have anyone. I will have to work on that. There are a few girls from Bible study that I think it would be fun to hang out with.

I have thought about everything and I think it really just comes down to me still being scared. I went down to visit BF last night and we went to see Hairspray (it's sooo good even though it's definitely better on the stage). I thought about it on the way down there and realized that I really have to stop worrying. I just need to enjoy it and not worry. I did that last night; I just relaxed and had a good time. I think he liked the movie more than he admitted. And he knew that I really liked that he took me. One thing I really like about him is that even though he listens mostly to Christian music (some of it is growing on me), he also likes a lot of old stuff from the 70s and 80s. On the way to and from the theatre we listened to some, including Journey, Bon Jovi, Eagles. . .lots of stuff. Even Meatloaf which cracked me up. I remember absolutely hating a song when I was 12 and never really liked it, that is, until it was in the Dr. Pepper commercial. :)

Somehow I will stop worrying. And over time I'm sure I'll be less scared. I am going to talk to him before Friday. It's so early on, I don't want to freak him out or anything, but I also don't want to pretend that there isn't a part of me that is scared. I think he'll be able to understand that. I don't want to be afraid anymore.