I really need to chill

I just watched an Avril Lavigne video for her song, "When You're Gone." I am crying now.

This was been an interesting week. Work has been fine, except that the potential craziness that I thought would happen hasn't and I don't think it will. Ok there was some craziness surrounding the design of a poster that happened one day after I left. We have 6 events over two weeks starting next weekend that we're getting ready for. I'll be traveling all over Kansas. I'll be getting some overtime and a few days off. Woohoo!

For me, the most interesting has had to do with BF. Something hasn't seemed right the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out what is was. Monday after surprising a few friends with an anniversary dinner, we got dinner and he came over. Then he sat and looked at houses on my computer. Then Tuesday I got online after work and he said what seemed like two words to me, then said "I'm going to go, I'll talk to you later." I was a little irritated. And it wasn't the first time that I just felt like he had no interest in talking to me. Then I did some thinking and worked up the courage to tell him that it bothered me that we hadn't been talking as much. (Ok I told him in an e-mail). It bothered me that he seemed to really like me when we're around each other but then it's like when I'm not around he doesn't have to pay attention to me. I was a little worried about how he would take it but I also felt huge relief that I told him what I was thinking about. By the next morning (I didn't talk to him at all the rest of the evening), I had an e-mail from him apologizing. He did say that he does have the tendency to close up a little bit when he has a lot of things he's thinking about. Which doesn't have to be a bad thing but if I don't know that then I'm going to think it's something else, like him not liking me or something. Right now he's trying to figure out if he should buy a house, stick with the plan of going to PA (physician's assistant) school, or pursue a job at the conference office that is opening up. Personally it sounds like he still wants to go for being a PA so he should still stick with that. But anyway, he does have a lot to think about and I can understand that.
So I felt better until Thursday night. Then I found myself not wanting to sit around wondering if he was actually going to talk to me. So I just got offline and started watching a movie. That only made me more frustrated because I really actually wanted to be talking to him. So after a frustrated call to my mom I replied to a text message he sent and told him I was frustrated and that the only reason I started watching a movie and got off my computer because I didn't want to sit there wondering if he was going to talk to me. Geez what is it with me being all out there with how I feel lately? Well then we actually talked. And I told him what I was thinking.
I'm caught in the middle of being scared if it doesn't work out but also being scared to continue to get attached. I think I may already be attached.
Yes, there are some things I still think I need to do like continue to try to get to know some more people. There are a few options of some groups at my church I'm going to check out. And I think I'm going to try and encourage our Bible study group to do some more things outside of our normal meeting time.
It's so difficult sometimes to just chill and enjoy things from day to day. I do have trouble with that. Why? Why can't I just accept that right now is right now? Sometimes I look at my life and think it's not what it's supposed to be at my age. But why does it matter? Why do I think there's a proper stage of life associated with a certain age? I have no idea. I still have hopes about what I want to do. I am going to plan on starting grad school after my job at the conference office is over. I think I'm going to have to start studying for the GRE now! I looked at BF's study guide for it and I felt pretty dumb. I'm going to look into going to either WSU, K-State, or KU. By the time I am ready to go I'll have Kansas residency so I may as well at least get my master's here so I can get in-state tuition.
Anyway, things are good now with BF since we actually got to sit down and talk and he knows more of where I'm coming from. Last night was funny; he went over to a friend's house but kept sending me text messages. I kept being a flirt. It's fun flirting with text messages. :)

I get to see him this afternoon. I get to go to the country. I'm excited. I think I may be bad and go see if I can get a new shirt.