Friday, September 30, 2005

Big leap

So I did something yesterday. . .I cut up my credit cards. . .well except one for emergencies (and by emergencies I mean if I need $10 in gas because it's almost maxed out) and one that I hid away in case I need to use it for tuition and books next semester. It's scary. The only money I have now is what is in my bank account and it's not a lot. And even though my parents have been absolutely wonderful about helping me out it's been hard on them ever since they moved and my mom isn't working.
What am I going to do? Oh yeah find a freakin job. I hate job hunting. And I'm so picky. I don't want to work retail, I wouldn't mind trying a restaurant but there aren't many good ones around here. The problem is that I need something that I will make decent money. I'm not just some little high schooler who needs money so they can go to the movies.

So I realized the other day that i'm going to have to work after I graduate and pay off my credit cards before I think about continuing my education. I don't even know if I will mess with taking the MCAT right away because I don't know if I'll be able to afford the cost of applying to medical school. And with my bills I don't know if I'll be able to afford to even go right away because I wouldn't be able to work. Even if I don't go to med school I won't be able to go to grad school (maybe if I went somewhere here part-time, but not if I want to go to England) until I get some of my debt paid off.
The biggest thing is my credit cards. But what about my school loans? I was thinking that if I could still be taking 6 hours of classes (there are still classes I need to take before med or grad school) then I could avoid having to pay them off. But if I find something making enough money then maybe I could at least pay what I can until I do what's next.
oh this is stressful. But I'm going to do it. I need to. I HAVE to. Even if it means putting off things like new clothes, a car, and England. But I don't want to put them off for too long. ;-)

did I mention that before I cut up and put away my credit cards that I bought a jacket, undergarments, and some shirts? One last spree. :)

Monday, September 26, 2005

Link

Can someone tell me how to create a link?

Today my friend would have been mad at my genetics prof. check out her blog, it's good stuff: http://newwaylc.blogspot.com

Sunday, September 25, 2005

thoughts of today

I started thinking yesterday how I want to move to a foreign country at some point. Probably not for very long, maybe just a couple of years, but at some point I want to. I have no idea how to go about doing that though. I even thought "what if I go somewhere after I graduate? I can take some time before I go to med school or grad school. . ." I should talk to one of my aunts. One lives in England (that is where I'm leaning towards, france or italy would be nice but that would be harder because I don't know anybody there and the language) and the other lives in the Dominican Republic. (I don't want to live there because of the hurricanes). Anyway I could talk to one of them about what I have to do. How cool would that be to pick up and move to a different country?
Which led me to thinking that maybe I should plan on taking some time off after I graduate. I wonder if I should so that I can work and get serious about paying off some of my credit cards before I think about continuing my schooling. But then that brings up the question, would I be able to find a good enough job that would pay enough to actually allow me to pay off my credit cards? And I'd be paying school loans too (maybe, I need to take a few more classes after I graduate so I may be able to put off paying the loans if I wanted to). I don't know. I do know that I hate being in debt and something has got to change. BIG time. It's my own fault, I know. I just need to be happy with not buying things. Right now the problem is that I don't have a job and so I'm having to use credit to buy necessities like gas and food. Next weekend I'll go fill out some applications. . .the past few weeks I've been studying like crazy for tests. I hate job hunting. Especially now because all the retail places will only be looking for holiday help and I need something more than that. Just part time but more than holiday. I don't want to work retail anyway because it's almost christmas and I hate working christmas.

This morning I read some of my book for one of my classes. It's called American Jesus by Stephen Prothero. It is about all of the forms Jesus has taken in the United States. The author is very clear that he's not trying to make a statement about who Jesus was or is (like calling him the messiah or something) but it's just to look back at how Americans have portrayed him throughout the years. It's a very good book. I highly recommend it. Today I read about Jesus the Rabbi. In the 20s and 30s, Jews in America started recognizing Jesus, as a Jew and as a prophet like Moses and Jeremiah. They weren't accepting Jesus as the Messiah but they were rejecting that he was a Jew. In the Middle Ages, Jews rejected Jesus completely especially because of the fact Christians constantly called them "Christ-killers." Which amazes me that people could be so well dumb. They just dwelled on that so much. I mean the whole point of Christianity was that Jesus died and was resurrected. And people still dwell on it today. Just look at when "The Passion" came out. There was even a church that posted on their billboard (or whatever the board is out in front of the church, i can't think of what it's called) some verse that said something about the Jews killing Jesus. I was just like "who the hell cares? You're missing the point."

Oh and this week in class (a gen ed all seniors are required to take) we talked basically about the point of Christianity. We talked about the Bible and how we read it. One thing that was said was, "The Resurrection helps us understand the Bible, just as telos helps us understand the Resurrection. The Resurrection is the context and fulfillment of the whole canon." Many times in Prothero's book (mentioned about) he talks about liberal Protestants who reject the idea that Christ was resurrected. Now even though I feel like I've moved away from my conservative Christian roots I can't go that far left. One thing that I thought during the lecture was "I've never doubted the resurrection or the significance of Jesus (at least not too much). I don't have a problem with saying Jesus died and rose again. I've had a problem with everything else." I've had a problem with the Bible and how much authority it has. I've had a problem with the teachings of Paul. I really wonder if the Christianity Paul wrote about is what Jesus really wanted. Did Jesus even want there to be a whole new religion? Do people have to accept Christianity in order to accept Jesus?
So even though I don't know about all that stuff, yet, I do know this, I believe that Jesus was the Messiah, that he died for the sins of the world, and was resurrected. And I do believe that without this there is no point to Christianity. Like my professor eluded to in his lecture, without the resurrection you may as well find a new religion. Buddhism and other religions are a lot more helpful if you just want to live a good life. I agree with him.

Here is the link to the PowerPoint presentation (I don't know how to actually make it a link. . .so you'll just have copy and paste): http://faculty.ccu.edu/jmallinson/ (if that doesn't take you directly to it, click on "classes" and then it's the first class listed (INT 402 - Monday powerpoint 9/19)

Friday, September 23, 2005

crazy blog

well I had wrote the "what to do with discouragement" post before the "discouragement" post but it wasn't showing up and the website said there was an error when I tried to post it. so now basically there's two of hte same post. oh well.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Discouragement

Well this has been the kind of week I expected to have. Things were going too well and I was feeling too happy and confident. I had my first organic chemistry test and I didn't do too well. It just really sucks because I feel like I'm actually understanding stuff but the test didn't reflect that.
So then I was just bummed. Everytime I do badly on something like this it just get me so down that I don't want to do anything. I try to tell myself I can do better next time and I still have time to improve but. . .it's still hard.
I also had a genetics test which I would've done well on except there were these two 15 point genetics problems, like with the punnet square stuff. It wasn't just mixing AaBb with AaBb either so I don't know how well I did. We've never done anything like them except for a homework assignment that we never went over or anything. I don't like when professors do that. This professor especially because he really doesn't know what he's doing. He's not a genetics person. But that is a whole different story.

And so this weekend I will be studying for another class that the prof doesn't know what he's doing. He knows physics but he doesn't know how to teach. It's pointless to go to class. oh well.

I always seem to write something when I'm in a bad mood. Really things haven't been too bad. I really need a job but I don't know how I'll squeeze that in. But I don't have a choice. It's just hard to find something good. With the exception of this week, school has been going pretty good.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

what to do with discouragement

So today I got my organic chemistry test back. I got a 77. I was not happy. I feel like I'm actually understanding everything, I studied, I was really hopeful that I would do well. So for the rest of the day (including when a 3rd year med student came to talk to us) I was just discouraged and depressed and couldn't concentrate.
I feel like I am not successful at anything I try to do.
I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I am just going to be let down. Then I feel like everytime something like a bad test grade I get down enough that I can't do anything to get out of it.
I have a genetics test tomorrow and I haven't really studied. I can't. I just figure I don't have enough time to actually study to a point I will do well so what's the point? And that's what happens.
For the last few weeks I was hopeful that things were going well and I was optimistic that I was going to do well this semester. But now at least for today I'm totally discouraged. And probably will be again as soon as I take my genetics test and then I have a physics test next Wednesday!
How can I just learn to not be discouraged? And just deal with a bad grade in a healthy way? I don't know. I really don't.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

always self-involved

ok so even that last post was all self-involved.

blahblahblah

fooey

i need to study now. what a great Sunday.

rambling thoughts

I didn't even realize what day it was until I got on the internet and saw something about a ceremony in New York in memory of Sept. 11. I don't believe that was 4 years ago. I know for people involved and who lost loved ones, it seems like an eternity.
And now there's hurricane Katrina. The devastation is so massive. The pictures I've seen look like they're from a war zone. I've read so much about it and watched the TV reports. . . .I wish I could do something. I don't have any money to give, I can't go there. So here I am stuck here just watching the TV reports and reading magazine articles.
With the memories of 9/11, the hurricane, and things that have happened to friends and their friends I just sit here and wonder "what am I doing?" I complain so much about the little annoying occurances in my life, I complain about everything that doesn't go my way and I don't feel like I am able to "be there" for anyone. I don't feel like I can do anything for anyone. I just feel like I'm so wrapped up in how crappy I think my life is that I have no perspective.
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who loses a parent?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who is struggling with depression?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who doesn't know what they're supposed to do with their life?
How am I supposed to be a sister and a daughter to a family who is so far away?
How am I supposed to deal with my life, knowing it is significant but still care about other people?

I don't know. I don't know at all.