I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun. It always makes me want to go to Italy. Right now I'd do anything to be able to just pick up and go somewhere. At this point I just wish I had the money to go to Kansas City. I want to go to Nordstrom and get a pomegranate lemonade. Unfortunately I don't have enough money for gas.
As hard as I try to not be sad, it doesn't seem to work very well. Sometimes it does; sometimes I can get a glimpse of the person I was before all this happened. The person who was becoming more and more content, hopeful, and joyful. Then the realization that I am a stupid idiot comes back and I wonder if the person who was getting to be happy will ever come back again.
Everytime I wake up I am reminded of why I am here and what happened. And now the guilt has set in. Guilt over things I did wrong, including wanting to blame him for everything. I wanted to be able to be loving and gracious about the whole thing but I wasn't. I became angry and bitter. And worse of all, I have lost someone who for years was so important to me.
I need to find a new job. I got a call about the Walgreens job; they are going to keep looking for someone with pharmacy tech experience. They did say that if they don't find anyone they are going to call me first to see if I am still interested. I haven't been too seriously looking for a job...I need to but part of me is afraid that if I do find a good enough job (one that will pay me enough that I can pay off credit cards) it will be harder for me to leave. It would be dumb of me to leave a well-paying job if I did find one, even if it would be just something to hold me over until I can go back to school. I really don't think I want to stay here. I miss Denver. Of course, I have always wanted to live in NYC. Maybe if I do well enough on the MCAT I can pursue going to NYU. Who knows. I wish I could find something before the holidays; I'd have a better chance of not having to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas if I had a M-F office type job. One of my biggest fears right now is that I will have to spend Thanksgiving alone. Somehow I have to be able to go home for Christmas.
Right now all I can think of is the things I want that I can't have. I want to travel, but I can't. I want to buy a camera so I can take pictures, but I can't. I want to get the hell out of Kansas but I can't.
I also want to stop feeling sorry for myself but right now I can't. I want to be able to actually believe I have been forgiven for the mistakes I made in my relationship with Dave, for the anger I did not control very well, and believe God has some kind of plan for me. I am still trying my best to seek after God and hold on to this faith thing. I bought My Utmost for His Highest and Confessions of St. Augustine the other day. I am trying to read the Bible. And trying to pray. It's so hard. Especially because it seems the only thing I can pray is "why" and "help." I just keep trying to talk to Jesus. I end up in tears most of the time. I don't understand any of this still.
There's a line in a Jars of Clay song that I seem to keep repeating, "I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind." I've been waiting around for the last 25 years believing God is real and is somehow capable of more than I can ask for or imagine but lately. . .it seems impossible. I guess I'll go on trying to believe something good is possible. I hope soon I won't be so sad. Only 8 more months until my lease is up and I can leave. And if my mom says a lot could happen between now and June I think I may scream.
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