Freak out

Instead of cramming everything into one post I'm going to break it up.

First, the crappy thing.

On Friday I freaked out. First, I was tired all day at work. I didn't feel good. And for some reason I got it into my head that NF was purposely not really talking to me. I knew it was ridiculous. I knew that, in reality, our schedules will make it difficult to see and talk to each other at times. I also knew that we've only known each other for 2 months, right now it's still nothing really serious, and there is nothing saying we have to talk everyday. Or even a lot. But, even though I knew it was ridiculous, I let that doubt get into my head and let it become something a lot bigger than it really was. I was supposed to go to his softball game on Friday night but didn't. I think I managed to get myself down enough that I made myself sick.
I hate that. I hate when I starting letting fear and doubt overtake what I know is true. And it happened in the course of a day! And it wasn't just doubt about NF, it was fear and doubt about the new job. . .and my whole life here. My whole life that still feels so uncertain. But. . .what's crazy about it is I just feel like God is constantly showing me he's taking care of me and he has something in store for me here. I am so excited about my job (albeit a tad impatient to get started so I can get out of the cable company and hotel) and all the possibilities that my life could hold.
But, I have to admit, that I am still a little scared. Scared that I won't be able to do well at my new job. . .scared I'm just going to end up with my heart broken again. . .But I will continue to try and remember that God has me in the palm of his hand. And he really does love me. And has something for me. I will not let being scared keep me from the possibility of experiencing something great.

More details

I start my new job on the 26th. I've already let the temp agency know my last day at my job will be on the 22nd. And I turned in my two weeks at the hotel. I may still work a 2nd job but I'm going to find one that is closer to my apartment and where I'll be working (I can walk to work; I'm so excited!) I am basically going to be managing the campaign office, taking care of scheduling, and contacting churches.

I've already called my apartment complex and they are going to draw up the lease and everything so I can get that all settled. I'll just be moving into a larger apartment. I'm going to have so much space I won't know what to do with myself!

I am just so excited. And also even though I have a reason (NF) I want to stay now, I now have something to keep me here besides to see what is going to happen with my NF. OH! Btw, even though I only had one guess I will tell you, my NF is the guy in the orange shirt on the far right hand side. I think that was the only picture he wasn't standing right next to me. :-) Hopefully soon I'll be able to post more pics of the trip and my outing on Saturday when I get mine developed.

I am so excited about all this. In case you didn't already figure this out.

The other day I wrote in my journal, "God, if there's anyway I can know about a job before the 15th, that woud be great." Is it just me, or do you think maybe, just maybe, God answered a prayer here? And maybe, just maybe there is some kind of plan going on?

:-)

YES

I GOT THE JOB AT THE CONFERENCE OFFICE!!!!!!

I will be getting paid more than I am now, be able to get health insurance, and it's right by where I live!!!!
AND this means that I know that I can sign a one-year lease and get a month's rent free!! WOOHOO!

I am so excited!!!!!!!

Wonderful day

I woke up bright and early before 6:30 am on Saturday. I think I may have been a little excited because if you know me, you know getting up early is not my greatest strength. I got ready, hit the road, enjoyed a gorgeous drive through the country and got to NF's apartment by 8:30. We made sandwiches for our lunch, through in a few snacks and the fresh pineapple I brought, and started on our journey towards Independence.
First, we stopped in Elk Falls, Kansas. NF's grandparents had been teachers there and always drove across an old bridge to get to town. You can't drive across the bridge now, but we can still walk across it. I was a little freaked out but I did it! (although I'm not as scared of bridges as I used to be, they still make me a little nervous). There is a little waterfall on the river along with an old stone wall that used to be part of a mill. It was really neat to look at and see all the trees growing along the river. Across the bridge there were a bunch of wild tiger lilies growing. In fact in a lot of places all over town they were growing.
Also in Elk Falls (the main reason we were there) is a little pottery shop (Elk Falls Pottery). NF loves pottery and his church had ordered a special communion plate and chalice from the shop so he wanted to check it out. I loved it. The store was just this little rustic place set back from the road and the couple who ran it were so nice. The pottery was absolutely gorgeous. There were mugs, ornaments, pots, dishes, vases, pitchers and cup sets. . . .I ended up with a little vase that is truly unique. When they glazed and fired it, it was supposed to be this raspberry color but it ended up being a soft sage green color! I like that I picked the one that was still beautiful but didn't quite turn out as planned. I definitely have to go back and do some Christmas shopping. I had to use the restroom while I was there and the lady took me into their house (my favorite part about it was the fact it had all this old-fashioned furniture and two Apple computers!) and the bathroom was like an outhouse! In the house! And it didn't stink at all! It amazed me. And to think people were probably amazed at indoor plumbing.
We ended up spending about an hour at the shop then we continued on to the Little House on the Prairie. The Prairie Days celebration was going on, which isn't a huge thing but they had food, a few people selling some antiques and books, a character contest, and some entertainment. And fresh lemonade!!! It was SO good! They had a gift shop and we browsed around there. NF bought me a guidebook to all the Little House sites you can visit and a mug. And guess where the mug was made? That's right! Elk Falls Pottery! NF saw it and thought it looked familiar. After we looked around there, we of course, looked at the replica of the cabin. It is so tiny; it's hard to believe it probably was actually that small. I didn't think it was but when you think about the fact the trees were only a certain size and at one point the roof was just the wagon canvas top, it probably really was very small. Also on the site, is a turn-of-the-century post office (it was moved from its original location) and an old schoolhouse! I love old schoolhouses. On display in the schoolhouse was an original copy of the first publication of Little House on the Prairie and Farmer Boy. It made me think that I want to try to get my hands on an original copy of one of more of the books someday.
After we left, we went into Independence to see Dr. Tann's grave; he was a doctor that treated the Ingalls family when they were sick. After that we headed back to NF's apartment and just chilled out for a few hours and watched a movie. Then we went to see Pirates 3. I liked it a lot. I decided that I really like the theatre down near him even better than the ones up here based solely on the popcorn. The popcorn is so much better! :-)

After the movie we watched TV for a little bit before I left. It may have been because I was tired, but I didn't want to leave right away. I had such a great time. And it was this nice, quiet, relaxing day. And I like that we are both good with that. We don't have to do some super exciting fast-paced thing.

Tonight is Bible study. . .this afternoon I have my two interviews and then I'll give him a call and we're going to Chipotle. He suggested it last night, I love the way his mind works ;-)

I also got to thinking about some other stuff that I will write about later.

Job interview

I have a job interview on Monday!!!! It's for the fundraising administrative assistant job.

And I got a call about another job at one of the universities in town. They called to see if I was still interested and said they would get in touch with me sometime this week about setting up an interview!

Update

I will get a few more guesses before I reveal anything ;-)

So just a couple of things: first, NF and I are going to Independence, KS to go to Prairie Days at the Laura Ingalls Wilder cabin on Saturday!!! Then we're either going to go see Pirates 3 or hang out with some Bible study people. We're just making it a day-long date. I'm excited.

Secondly, there are two (TWO!) United Methodist conference office jobs I have applied for. I'm hoping because of my connection at the office (the other girl in the photo) and the fact my dad is a UM pastor I may have a good chance at either. One is a secretarial position for the communications department and the other is an administrative assistant for a huge fundraising campaign for the conference. It sounds like they are wanting to find someone for the 2nd job fairly quickly; the first one they are accepting resumes until the end of June. . .so who knows when that would actually start. I also know the 1st position would probably pay around what I"m getting now so I would still have to work a second job. I don't know what the other job would pay. It's also just a 17 month or so position. I have a feeling it would pay more though.

So I'm hopeful for either. My hours have been cut (because they hired too many people) at the hotel and this cable company job is getting old. . .I really want something different. And more stable. We'll see!!

Also. . .. .I'm going to move into a different apartment at the end of the month. Worse comes to worse, I'll just move into a bigger apartment at the same complex. I don't know if I'll have time to look for a different complex. Plus, if I got a job at the conference office, it's like right behind my apartment. I could just walk to work! Wouldn't that be awesome?!

Ok that's my quick update. Don't forget to guess ;-)

Contest

Let's have a little contest.

In the picture below, who is my NF?

The winner will receive an all expense paid trip to. . . .wait a minute, I can't even go on an all expense paid trip to anywhere.

So you'll just have to be ok with being really smart and a good guesser. ;-)

I'll post more pics of the trip when I get some more.

Camping trip group

Camping Trip, Part 2

I meant to right more about the trip yesterday but I never got around to it.

The first night at the campsite we made smores. They were wonderful.

After a very cold night of half-sleeping (and waking up with a wet sleeping bag and frost outside), we made pancakes. I had basically told everyone I love eating pancakes on camping trips so I was making some. They were sooooo good! K ended up making a lot of them while I made coffee (in my new french press coffee maker I bought). Then I did the dishes. . . and burned my finger. That was the only time (miraculously) that I got upset the whole weekend. Anyway, so we had really awesome pancakes. And coffee.

Then we started on our hike. We ended up going in the opposite direction that we went the day before, up the dirt road that went up the mountain. We stopped plenty of times for pictures, of course. The higher we went up, the more we saw amazing views of the snow-covered mountains in the distance. It was just absolutely amazing. I am just always in awe when I'm in the mountains. I can't even describe it.

Ok so now on to the weirdest part of the trip. After stopping for a bite to eat we went a little further and ended up running into a truck that looked wrecked upset against the side of the mountain. The drivers-side window was partially down and there were clothes scattered about. Then, we found a wallet with drivers license, credit cards, etc in a pair of pants. That's when we started getting freaked a bit. The license plates were off the truck and some electrical wires were ripped out and on the ground. After that we booked it down the mountain. We tried calling 911 but didn't really have any reception. We kept going over all these horrible scenarios in our heads about what happened. It was just so weird to us that this guys wallet was there, the plates were gone. . .
So we made it down (oh and in between that I apparently was getting a little dehydrated so had to walk a little slower than I had been) and 3 people went to go find a cop or national park ranger to let them know what we found. They found a county sheriff that came up. J went up with him to show him where it was. So we're just sitting around the camp, still a little freaked, Q is all worried about J. . then we see another county sheriff SUV drive by. That made a little more freaked out. We're convinced we're going to find out there's a dead body up there or something. Then we see J walking down the road. He was told that the police knew the truck was up there it was just impossible to get up there because of the snow (there was still snow on parts of the road) and the guy that drove up there is some crazy drunk that had been in and out of jail. No one had reported him missing or anything but they also don't know if he's alive. Or where he is. It still all sounds a little weird. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he died up there somewhere.
And then another twist, the sheriff's SUV got stuck up there and J was in the passenger seat with a perfect view of the steep cliff to the right. That's why the other SUV came.
We did find out that the truck was 4.6 miles from our site. So we hiked about 9 miles that day. And J hiked more than that!

After that craziness, we just relaxed more more and ate some dinner. I made smores with Godiva chocolate (leave it to me to have a luxurious campfire food).

We got going fairly early the next morning. Most of us were awake by 7 am. We packed up and headed towards Rocky Mountain National Park. It costs $20 per car to get in but it is so worth it. Just a little ways in, we saw a herd of elk so of course we stopped to get pictures. Originally we thought it would take about 1 1/2 hours to get through the park. That turned into about 3 because of the stops. There are just so many amazing places to stop and get pictures. At one point in the distance we saw a moose. We got to the highest point in the park (about 12,000 ft or so) and walked up to an even higher point. It was super windy and from there we saw a storm move in over the mountain tops. It was so, so cool. After that we tried not to stop as much. It was getting late. It wasn't too big of a deal for most of us but NF had to go to work at 6 am so he was the one who needed to get back. He slept most of the way back.
Even the drive from the park to Denver is amazing. It's just so beautiful. We did get to stop at my old house to get the blankets and comforter I left there. I felt a little bad about it because it was getting late but I really wanted my blankets! :-)

It was really hard going to the house and leave Denver. I was in tears. When I left almost a year ago, everything was so uncertain. I was already uneasy about my relationship with D and felt like I was making a huge mistake.
But then even though it was hard for me to leave Denver, I got to feeling better. . .maybe this really is where I'm supposed to be. At least right now. I am to the point now that I think I would disappointed if I ended up leaving. I really like the group of people I've been getting to know. And I do want to continue getting to know my NF. Next Saturday we're either going to go to the zoo or the Laura Ingalls Wilder cabin near Independence. He wanted to make sure I wasn't working that day (which is another issue . . . I wasn't scheduled at all this weekend, I'm getting shorted on my hours) so we could do something.
Then this Saturday we're going to go see a movie and before that we're going to a potluck at his church. Which I admit, I am kind of nervous about. I will feel like I'm on display. And given how the last time I was on display at someone's church it makes me nervous. I'm going to try not to worry about it and just see what happens.

Oh and I heard about a job opportunity at the Kansas United Methodist Conference office. Q works there and told me about it. So I sent in my resume and she's going to talk to her boss about me. I think it would be really cool. I heard about it right after I started freaking out about work on Tuesday. So I'm going to be praying about that. . .we'll see.

NF is pretty much hooked on Colorado....he's too much of a Kansas boy to move there probably, but he's already talking about someday getting a cabin there ;-)

Camping Trip, Part I

This weekend was absolutely amazing. There is so much to tell!

Six people went on the trip. Q and J are the married couple. Then there is me, JC, K, and, of course, NF. We headed out Friday around 5 and made it to Denver, Colorado around 1 am. The drive was cool. I rode with NF. One of the coolest parts about the drive was the storm we saw as we drove through western Kansas. The clouds were so dark and there was a lot of lightning and rain. It was amazing. I was just staring out the window in amazement.
We drove to Denver and got there around 1 am. We had reserved a hotel room but there was a mix-up (either on the part of the hotel or expedia) and so we actually didn't have a room. Luckily we got the money refunded and there was another hotel right next door. It was kinda funny trying to figure out where everyone was going to sleep. We finally had to make the married people sleep in separate beds. I don't think it would've worked to make me sleep with one of the guys; that might have been a little awkward. Although I think I could've handled sleeping on the floor a little better, Q liked to roll over to the middle a lot. Oh well.
Then we headed west out of Denver (it was a little difficult I must admit). The mountains were absolutely beautiful. I was pointing out everything to see of course, like Red Rocks, the 7 million dollar home that was used in Charlie's Angels, and Mt. Evans (that would be the mountain I saw everytime I went to church). We got to drive through the Eisenhower Tunnel which is awesome. You look back and it's like "whoa, we just drove through the mountain."

We drove around for a bit just west of Rocky Mountain National Park to find a campsite. We ended up at a very backwoods one. We set up near a nice little creek that wasn't too far from the road. There were only a few other campers we saw. It was very nice and secluded. The only downside? No toilet facilities. It's been a long time since I had to pee in the woods. It's not exactly my favorite thing to have to do. Anyway. . . .we got to build a fire and cook hot dogs and smores. We even made fettucini alfredo.

The first day we went for a little hike. It was interesting. There weren't any trails really set up so it took awhile to figure out where to go. We had to go across the creek (the water was FREEZING) so we had to find a way across without falling in. However, on the way back that didn't end up working so well for poor K. He decided to just sit in the water. So then instead of trying the same way the rest of us looked for another way across and ended just having to wade across. Oh my gosh let me tell you it was horrible. I went first and just rushed as quickly as possible which was hard because of the rocks! Then, of course, everyone else had to do it too (especially the guys) so they wouldn't look like wimps. Hehehe. I got plenty of battle wounds. I have a few cuts on my leg and a huge bruise from climbing over a log and scraping my leg up against a broken off branch. I'm proud of my battle wounds. They remind me I am a tough chick. The nights were pretty cold I must say. We woke up to frost on the tent both mornings. It was wonderful waking up to the fire though. I always waited until it was going before I woke up ;-)

It was just so wonderful being there. Nice and relaxing. . .and absolutely gorgeous. The drive just from Denver to the campsite was remarkable. And it was fun watching NF taking pictures (he let someone else drive for awhile); he hadn't been there before.

I am always just so amazed when I see the mountains. I can't even describe the feeling I get. I am just in awe and can't speak.

I will write more later. There is a very interesting story to come!!!

Much anticipated

After about 4 long, long years something amazing has happened.

Maroon 5 released their sophmore album "It Won't Be Soon Before Long."

I love it.

Worlds Apart

This song has been running through my mind all afternoon. Especially the part about "the mercy that covers me." I think this is just about my favorite song ever. This is like a Psalm to me.

Worlds Apart (Jars of Clay)

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love, To give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

And I pray, To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take my beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take my beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray Take my world apart

Things keep getting more frustrating with work. And I still haven't had much luck with finding anything else. Partly, I think, because I have no idea what to even look for. I still have been considering just going back to school. But I still don't know if it would be worth the time and money. But I just need to do something. I've got to get out of here.

I keep looking at jobs in Denver and St. Louis and there seems to be so many more opportunities.

But. . .I am making friends here. I am feeling more settled and comfortable here. I hate the idea of making partial cross-country move again and having to start all over, again. I want to keep getting to know my NF.

Who knows.

Decisions

Even though things are looking up around here, the major part of my life is the one thing now that may convince me to just get out. And what I mean by that is work. I hate it. I've been applying for several different jobs and can't find anything. I have thought about going to the technical college and getting doing a CNA, lab tech, or EMT program (or something related) but I don't know if that's worth doing. The CNA program doesn't take long but it also doesn't pay enough. I could do that, then do an LPN program. The lab tech is a longer and more expensive program. I went ahead and requested info about a few programs. I really want to do something in the medical field and no administrative assistant jobs are working out. And if I am going to stay here, I need something besides a temp job.

But if I'm wanting to get my credit cards paid off, is it worth going back to school even if only for a few months and possibly not getting any further with that? I just don't know.

And what's crazy is I'm starting to feel more comfortable around here. More settled. I like getting to know people from Bible study. I love that I'm going camping with them. I have a church I like. And for some reason I am actually getting to know one person in particular. And I really want to see what happens. I don't want to move wondering what would happen if I stayed. Of course, if it's meant for me to stay here then I guess I just have to trust that either my job situation will get better or I'll get a different job that has more of a future. Or something. Who knows.

The writer of a blog I read posted this prayer. It's pretty much been my prayer the last few days.

"O Lord, I do not know what to ask of You.You alone know my true needs.You love me more than I myself know how to love.Help me to see my real needs which are concealed from me.I do not dare to ask either for a cross or for consolation.I can only wait on You. My heart is open to You.Visit me and help me, for the sake of Your mercy.Strike me, and heal me; cast me down and raise me up.I worship in silence Your holy will, and Your unsearchable ways.I offer myself as a sacrifice to You.I have no desire than to fulfill Your will.Teach me to pray. Pray, You Yourself in me.Amen."~ Metropolitan Philaret of Moscow

After talking to my NF last night I realized I really do want to get a different apartment if I decide to stay here. I reminded myself how small the kitchen is, how there is a pile of stuff in a corner because I have no where else to put it, and how I froze all winter (and burn up all summer) because the heater/AC unit sucks. I'm going to start looking in the next few weeks. And here's another cool thing: my NF (in case you haven't figured it out NF means new friend) offered to go apartment-hunting with me. He likes that kind of thing. I don't. I realized that last year. I don't like it much at all. Him offering meant a lot to me quite honestly. Now if I could just find a new job. . . .

I have something to admit: this morning when I heard that Jerry Falwell was found unconsious, my first thought was "maybe he'll die." I immediately apologized to God for that thought and then felt a little bad when I found out he did die. Now if only good old Pat would kick the bucket. . .hehehe just kidding, I swear. ;-)

Thoughts

I've had a lot on my mind the last few days.

Work is wearing on me. This weekend, I went in on Saturday only to leave by 7 because we had too many people working. Then Sunday, I went in, sat around pretty much all afternoon doing nothing, then everything picked up around 9 and I was there until 11:30. It's frustrating getting stuck leaving late and everything happening the last few hours when you've been sitting around doing nothing. Next week I'm not going in until 7 on Sunday. We have too many people working. In fact it's getting to the point where we've got too many people so my hours end up going down. I've put out resumes for several different jobs but I haven't heard anything back at all. I'm so tired of my jobs. I think I could handle staying at the hotel but I really need to get out of this cable company. I know it could be worse, but I need to find a job that isn't a dead end like this one.

Then there's the whole moving thing. Still not sure what to do about that. Right now I'm not even sure if I want to mess with getting a new apartment and put myself through the hassle of moving, even if it's not that far away. But if I don't find a job here, I am thinking I just need to go somewhere else. Colorado. . .Illinois. . .somewhere.

Yesterday I went to church and I ended up crying off and on throughout the entire service. I am not going to write why.

I am definitely looking forward to going to Colorado. I'm so excited at the chance to get away and relax. Go hiking. . .see the amazing mountains again. . .and if my NF still likes me after spending the entire weekend with me while camping, I think he may be a keeper :-)

Ahhhhh

Can I just say, "oh my gosh."

Just a few things: loved the movie, my NF's favorite thing at dairy queen is frozen hot chocolate (oh yes, my friends, that is right, frozen hot chocolate, which if you didn't know, is my favorite too!), I got a hug, and a kiss on the forehead. It was so sweet.

I think I might like him a little bit ;-)

woohoo

I am excited. I get to see Spiderman 3 tonight. And my NF gets to go camping in Colorado!!! Road trip! Woohoo! (ok seriously, I just thought of this, what is it with me and road trips in May?) Ok let's not think about that one. Ha! I think this one will be better. ;-)

I'll let you know how my date goes.

Happenings

The last week or so has been tiring. I managed to end up super tired on Sunday and I've never really recovered. This morning I hit the snooze several times (as usual) but I actually fell back into a deep sleep each time. I have tonight and tomorrow night off at the hotel and I'm so relieved. Tonight I'll get to rest and get stuff done and then tomorrow night. . . .

Spiderman 3!!! I'm excited. I'm going with my new friend ;-) And it's so funny because the next 2 or 3 weeks there are movies coming out that we both want to see.

And I'm excited because in a couple of weeks, I'm going with some people from Bible study on a camping trip to Colorado! Woohoo!!! I'm excited. The only sad part is my new friend may not be able to go because of work. But he's still going to try to make it happen. I told him he needs to go so he can see Colorado. He's never been there.

Anyway, so things are going pretty good. I am still a little frustrated and confused about somethings. . .I really need a new job. This cable company thing is getting to me. I've been applying for several different jobs. I hope something works out. I'm thinking that if I don't find anything here by the middle of June or so, I may just have to plan on leaving, which may stink if things are still going how they are with my NF. I don't know. . .I'm to the point now that I'd be happy with something that paid the same or a little more as I make here. I could still work at the hotel. Now that I'm strictly a van driver (even though I had to help with a slight emergency at the front desk last night), it's a piece of cake really. I could still work two jobs if I had to. Right now my schedule is working out pretty well. Every once in awhile I need a break which I'll get one here in a few weeks for camping. Not only do I want to get away from the cable company, I just need to find a job with benefits. . .I can't keep temping. I need a real job.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we were talking about how we basically have to accept that we will have failures in life but that's ok. We can't let the possibility of failure or things not working out how we want them to keep us from trying new things or taking risks. Last weekend I started getting a little scared about everything. I know that if I decide to stay in Kansas there is no guarantee that I won't be in the same situation I was in last year. But am I scared enough to not even try? I hope not, but I'm still trying to figure that out. And I do have some more time to figure it out. So I'm just trying not to stress. It's difficult but I'm trying. Right now I just want to enjoy what is happening. And not worry.

I promise I usually know east from west.
Not that anyone caught it and not that it matters, but Greensburg is west of here. . .I just needed to clarify :-)

Tornado

There have been a few places in Kansas that have gotten hit with tornados this year already but it looks like the worst one hit last night just east of here in Greensburg. It sounds like they had a good amount of warning but there were still a lot of people injured and 7 confirmed dead.

So if you think about it just say a little prayer. The whole little town was leveled.

Details

So....you wanna hear about my date? ;-)
Ok I'll tell you.

He lives about 1 hour from here in a little town that closely resembles most of the towns I always lived in. Smaller actually. It's a cute little, quiet place. He drove me around to give me the tour. It took about 5 minutes. We went to a little cafe to order a pizza and get some root beer. Then we went back to his apartment to eat and watch Night at the Museum. He hadn't seen it before; it's really funny.
It's all still kind of weird to me. There are times when I don't really know how to act then I stop worrying and I just act like me. We were just sitting on the floor in front of his couch and we weren't sitting too close to each other but he'd every once in awhile he'd shift a little bit and would get a little closer. Then I got up to use the restroom and he put his arm up on the couch and didn't move it when I sat back down. So then I just sat a bit closer so his arm was completely around me. It was so cute. I wonder how long he'd been thinking about that. ;-) Then after the movie, we ended up watching a little bit of TV including some of Letterman. Then I had to leave. It was a good night.

I think he might like me a little bit ;-)

I think I might like him too.

It's so sweet. . .we're in this little stage where we're a bit nervous and shy but at the same time excited and hopeful. One day when we were talking I mentioned how the first time we met was the first time I had been to bible study in a few weeks and it happened to be the time he came with his friends. Nice little coincidence ;-)

I can't wait until Bible study Monday night.

Rant

Warning: rant ahead

Ok, despite the fact that things are starting to get better around here, one thing still kinda sucks. And that one thing is: work. I hate it. As thankful as I am for the job and the fact that I can pay all my bills and not worry about money, I hate my job. And the last two days have made me realize that I just can't do this much longer. I am sick and tired of listening to people bitch and complain about their cable bills. I am tired of people getting mad at me for asking to see their ID when they write a check or pay with a credit card. I mean, it's for their own freaking security and they get mad at me! It's so retarded! And then people get mad when I tell them how much they owe and usually it's because they haven't paid in a few months. And I'm sitting here thinking to myself "well if you'd paid your bill on time, you wouldn't have this problem." And oh man, the people who freak out about their bills being so high and I look at their account and they have countless movies and most of the time it's all porn! And I'm just thinking oh my gosh! Stop ordering it if you don't want to pay for it! And the people who say they didn't order it. . .they're crazy. You don't accidentally order the movies. People order the movies with their remote control and you can't just accidentally order it.
What's really sad is when a woman comes in to pay and there are pay-per-views on their bill and they're like "no one in our house ordered them. My husband said he didn't." And I"m just like "oh of course he did you poor naive wife. He's lying through his teeth to you." Ok now granted there was a guy who came in with $600 worth of movies and he insisted he didn't order them, but they were all ordered in a 2 day period while his son was visiting. I believed him. Stupid son.

Anyway, yes, I'm sick and tired of this job. I am taking some assessment tests through a new temp agency to see about getting a job as a lab technician though. I'm excited about that! I need to get out of the cable company! And it would pay enough that I wouldn't have to work at the hotel. Even though I might kinda miss that.. . .oh but not enough to want to keep working there!

Ok rant finished. Only 1 1/2 more hours.

Date #2

I have another date this week ;-) This time I'm heading down to small town Kansas. He lives south of here and I don't want to always make him drive up here. And he'll be driving up here a couple of times next week.

Next weekend, we're going to go see Spiderman. I'm so excited! We were going to go this weekend but schedules didn't work out for that. Besides then maybe it won't be as crowded as it would be opening night.

Anyway. . .another thing I learned about him is that he likes thunderstorms. :) I like that about him.

Starbucks

Something very cool happened this morning. I walked into Starbucks, up to the counter and the barista said, "triple grande nonfat caramel macchiato, right?"

The people at Starbucks know my drink!!!! I was so excited.

Kissing Dating Hello!

For quite some time I got brainwashed into thinking dating was a bad thing. But now, I'm starting to realize that I actually like it. . .now I'm not going to just go out and start dating a bunch of random guys. I'll still just stick to one at a time but I think I'm really starting to enjoy this dating thing.

So Friday night. I had a good time. We went to a Mexican restaurant. It was a lot of fun. I found out some things about him that adds to the list of traits that I want to have in a guy (the whole time I was sitting there I was thinking, what the heck is going on here? He just keeps getting better!). After dinner, I could tell neither of us wanted to call it a night but we hadn't made any other plans so we ended up going to Wal-Mart because he needed to get something for his new apartment. He laughed at me because I hate going to good old wally world and I ended up buying a couple of DVDs and I laughed at him because they didn't have what he needed. After that, we went to Cold Stone for ice cream, then headed to Target where they did have what he needed (and of course I had to laugh at him because they did have what he was looking for). After that, we said goodnight.
Really, the dating thing seems to be a good thing. I like that I'm getting to talk to him on the phone and stuff, see him at Bible study, and see him alone. It's good. I'm sad though; he won't be at Bible study tonight. And I'm thinking I'm going to be really bold and find out if he's doing anything Friday night. Spiderman 3 comes out and I want to go see it! That is one of the cool things about him; he's a movie guy. We talked about all the movies coming out this summer that we want to go see. So we'll see if I'll have a date to them. ;-)

I'm still a little freaked out by it. A little scared, I must admit. And still confused about what to do as far as moving. But I'm trying not to worry about it. I definitely want to move out of my apartment but I have about 2 months to decide if I want to stay here or go somewhere else. If I did end up staying here, I definitely have to find a new job. I'm tired of working two jobs. Plus, I need something with benefits. I'm also thinking of taking some classes to get certified in something medical related so I can get a job at a hospital or clinic. We'll see. Options are wide-open (right now a little too wide open, in my opinion but oh well).

Oh! And I was sad yesterday, I was looking for the Cardinals game and it wasn't on so I went online and saw that one of the pitchers was killed in a car wreck. It's so sad.

So. . . .

I had a good time last night :-)

I'll write more later but just wanted to let you know I had a good time last night.


:-)

Friday night

I get to go to dinner tomorrow night.


And I don't mean I'm going alone ;-)

It's been interesting. But good. Still just going with the flow and enjoying getting to know someone new.

Trust

**Edited Post**

Last night when I wrote this I was at one point talking on the phone and talking online, so I wasn't really paying attention. I wanted to add a few things.

Trusting God is difficult at times. As I've said before, I've never really been too good at it. I think a lot of times I didn't know what it truly meant. I think maybe I thought that to trust God meant you always had to have it all "together." You could never doubt or be angry about your circumstances. You could never question.

Then, the questions come. Life comes at you, whatever it may be and you start to doubt. You become angry about your circumtances. And as hard as you try, nothing gets better. At least, it's been that way for me. Somehow I got in my mind at an early age that if I trusted God, my life would go just as planned. But then different things got to me (granted, not super bad things, but things that definitely affected me) and I started to doubt if God was really around and if trusting him was worth it. And for years I've struggled with it. Ever since moving to Kansas, I've been forced to and it's, of course, not been easy. I've been sitting here wondering what the hell is going on.

I am still learning. The last week or so, I think I'm actually starting to see that God really is taking care of me. He didn't just bring me here to be unhappy and miserable. I just need to let go and be patient. But it's so difficult at times. I just want to know what is going on, I want to know what God wants me to do. . .ok so I know I'm not the only one ;-)
The last few weeks and months have basically been total crap. A few days or maybe even a week may be good but for the most part things have been horrible. I've been so unhappy here. I don't like my jobs, although I'm so thankful for them; I don't have to worry about money at all. But still, I don't like them. I still feel bad at times for making such a big deal of things; my situation is a piece of cake really. But it has been hard. Figuring out how to make a life for yourself in a place you don't like and didn't have very good experiences in, is difficult. And I never realized before how lonely I really could be and how much I really do want people around. I need more than work to give my life meaning. I've tried. . .contacting the people from church about the Bible study was a huge step for me. And I do enjoy going. I didn't get to go for a few weeks and I missed it.

Last week, I had pretty much decided that I would move as quickly as I could. I've been praying as best as I can asking God what he wants me to do. I still don't know. I don't know what I want and I don't know what God wants, which should be what I want. I told God that if there was any reason for me to stay here he better let me know quick because I was going to move in two weeks. And now I'm beginning to wonder if that's exactly what's going on. . .
One thing that has happened is just feeling like there is the possibility to actually have friends here. Tonight I went to the house of a girl from work to help her move something and had dinner. I stuck around while she made some cookies for dessert and even colored with her daughter. It was fun. Then last Wednesday I ate lunch with a girl from Bible study. And the last few days I've started getting to know someone else as well. And if you read the comment on my previous post, you may have guessed that it is a guy (it is). He was at Bible study Monday. I actually didn't officially meet him but I guess he asked the friends he was with (that was his first time there) about me. So we started talking. He's really nice. He's supposed to be there tonight too. What's funny is I wasn't really paying attention at all when I saw him last week. I'm not sure if all of this means anything but now I'm thinking that I will go ahead and stay until at least July. I actually will need to figure out if I'm moving or not by June so I can give notice. I really am starting to wonder if God does have something up his sleeve. But we'll see. I just need to pray. And pray. And pray some more. Even if the prayer is "God, please help me not to be stupid again."

One thing I know I struggle with is seeking out what God wants for me and not just what I want. Which may be why I don't know what I want so I can actually get out of God's way and do what he wants me to do.
So even though I have no idea what is going on, I will continue to trust God, even though it may mean still being a little angry and sad and doubting somethings. One thing that I've learned is that trusting God doesn't mean to always be happy and not being able to question things.

Here goes!

weird, weird, weird, weird

Life is weird.

Weird, weird, weird, weird.

Here I am thinking I'll be moving in a few weeks or at least a month or so and now I'm wondering if maybe I have some kind of reason to stay. . .but who knows. I'm not going to read anything into it. I'm just going to go with the flow.

Hookey

I called in sick to work today. The combination of a toothache, headache, and no sleep made it very difficult to wake up this morning.

I need some peace. I'm looking to go ahead and move in the next few weeks here and I just need some peace about it. I'm having trouble with it.

I'm also having trouble with forgiveness. And it's making it impossible for me to just move on with my life. I guess a good place to start is admitting that I definitely have not forgiven those I need to forgive. It's not easy. I guess if it was, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But holding on to these things are not worth it. Being away from here, I think, will finally allow me to heal.

Virginia Tech

This morning at work we had the news on and, of course, the main focus was the massacre at Va. Tech. A lady walked in and said something to the affect of if I have to hear anything more about that I'm going to scream.
I wanted to scream at her "you stupid, selfish woman! Every single one of the those people wish they didn't have to go through what they're going through! And you're complaining because you have to hear about it?"

I was slightly irritated by her comment.

I can't imagine what yesterday was like and what the days to come will be like for the students, faculty, and staff of the university. And what it will be like for the friends and families of the people who were killed. It's this horrible, harsh reality that they will now live everyday for the rest of their lives.

I hate to think about the fact that this is probably not the last time something like this will happen especially since it's happened enough before.

Amen

I'm not sure why I convinced myself I was in some way supposed to stay out here. Maybe I thought I had to continue in my misery as some sort of punishment for bad decisions. Maybe I was scared. Maybe it was just continued wishful thinking. Whatever the reason I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being miserable and scared. So I'm doing what I need to do to start the process of getting out of here and getting on with my life.
I still don't know what my life will hold and I'm still not sure what I really want but I'm going to figure it out eventually. Sure I still don't like everything that happened but oh well.

Tonight in Bible study we went over Romans 11. It's pretty loaded and hard to understand, but the very end is something to always remember:

"O the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counsellor? Or who has given a gift to him, to receive a gift in return? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:33-36)

It's still hard trusting God. It downright sucks sometimes. But somehow I'm still going to.

Hesitation be gone

There has only been one thing that has made me hesitate about moving back to the St. Louis area. I've thought a lot about it and wondered how I would handle putting myself into a situation without a basic need and want not being able to be met.
Today though, my worries have ended.

It's official.

There is a Chipotle (actually 2) now in the St. Louis area. It may be a bit of a drive but I think it's near one of my favorite malls, so I don't think I'll have any problem getting to it.

Now I can move to IL with the peace of mind that a wonderful burrito bowl and chips and guac are only short (albeit, a little longer than I have now) drive away.

Praise Jesus ;-)

I always knew he was looking out for me.

My ragamuffiness

So first of all, sometime last summer Dave took me to this deli place where I had an AMAZING turkey sandwich with cream cheese, sprouts, and avocado and a few months ago I tried finding it but couldn't remember where it was. I swear it's somewhere near my apartment but I couldn't find it. Tonight though, I found it! Or at least one of the like three that are in town. So I got my amazing sandwich, an amazing chocolate cookie, AND a Jones soda! It's been way too long since I've had a Jones.

Ok now on to what I've really been thinking about. I've had so much on my mind this week. After a topic that came up on a message board I got to thinking about being a ragamuffin. I don't necessarily immediately describe myself as a ragamuffin but really I think I am. If you don't know what a ragamuffin is, you should read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I read it for the first time my sophomore year at Greenville and it made me really start to embrace (and believe in) the idea of grace. One of the first things he writes about is how Christians believe in grace in theory, but not really in practice. We don't really live it and embrace it. We want to sit in our comfy churches, doing all the things we think we should do. We still think we have to earn our salvation. I know there is nothing I can do to earn my salvation; it's already taken care of, but I still catch myself thinking that I should being doing more (or at this point just anything) so God will be happy with me. Agh!
I'm a ragamuffin. I don't fit into the tradition mold of mainstream American Christianity. I believe everyone is worthy of the love of Christ. As a human I am not perfect and never will be. I can be compassionate and caring one moment, then selfish and self-absorbed the next. I will drive down the road and yell at people who are driving stupidly. Then feel bad. I will wait on someone at the cable company who is dirty and a little (or a lot) smelly and want to wrinkle my nose. But then I actually look at them and they're nice and smile and say "have a good day," then I will realize that even the dirty, smelly ones are people and they deserve love. Even the mean ones (although it's harder to think that about them).
I think God shows up in songs and movies that others don't realize. He's all over the place. He's not just in our comfy churches. He's in the Nickelback song that says "amen, I'm alive." He's in Rent and Little Miss Sunshine. He's in the John Mayer song "Gravity." I love when he shows up in places that people wouldn't think about. Believe it or not he even shows up every once in awhile in Sex & the City.
I know I am beautiful and I am strong. But I am also scared and weak at times. And that's ok. I can be totally content when I am alone but I still get lonely. Sometimes I'm way too hard on myself. I take joy in things in nature and things made by man, like art. I still want to go back to school and have a career but I also want a family, a house, and a garden so I can grow my own veggies like green beans and tomatoes.
Like every other human being, I am broken and not perfect. I don't want to ever pretend I am. I never want to look more to other people or to a church more than I look to God. I want to embrace and live by grace.
Here's to being a ragamuffin.

Waiting. . .waiting. . .

Lifehouse has a song called "Breathing." Or maybe it's just called "Breathe." Oh no, wait, that's the Faith Hill song. Anyway, in the Lifehouse song there's a line that says: "I'm trying to identify the voices in my head, God, which one's you?"
I'm wondering the same thing.

The last few days I've just been trying to calmly think about what the best thing is to do. And asking just for some divine guidance. And I'm trying to patiently wait for an answer. I don't want to make a split-second decision. Wherever I go, I'm staying for a good amount of time. I keep thinking more and more about going back to IL. Then I can move into the little apartment and fix it up. Put a new floor in the kitchen and bathroom, get a new stove, do some painting, & eventually get new carpet. I figure little by little I'll fix the place up and then it'll make it easier to rent out after I leave.
But then this voice comes into my head and starts to make me wonder if I'm supposed to just stay here. Which, if I do, I'd still find a new apartment (mine is way too small) and I'd need to change my work situation. Then I wonder "WHAT? Why in the world would I stay here?"

I don't know. I'll keep praying. And patiently waiting so I can figure out what I'm supposed to do.

The time is coming

The time has come for me to seriously start figuring out where I'm going to go in July and what I'm going to do.
And I still have no idea. Sunday I started thinking about maybe sticking with the moving to IL thing. I could just move back to Hartford and fix up the little apartment. That way I'm not paying rent and can make a bigger dent in the credit cards. And, of course, I'd be closer to family. I don't like missing out on all the little family stuff. I want to see them more than twice a year.
But then, it's also still Illinois. I'm still not too crazy about that place even if I do love being near St. Louis. St. Louis. . .just yesterday I found out there's a history museum in Forest Park. I had no idea! The Zoo. . .the Science Center. . .West County Mall. . .the Galleria. . .The Arch. . .and of course, the St. Louis Cardinals. There's definitely a lot of perks, even if it's not necessarily as cool as Denver, it's still pretty damn awesome.

One thing, though, that makes me hesitate is where I want to go to graduate school. If I want to go to University of Colorado (which I keep going back to) I need to be a Colorado resident. By the time I get the cards paid off and can go back to school I will be a resident. I can't move to IL only to move back to CO for school and pay nonres. tuition. That would be ridiculous. And there's no where in IL or MO I'd want to go to school. Well maybe Washington University or St. Louis University but those are expensive.

And when it comes to praying about it. . .I'm trying. I'm pleading with God for some kind of guidance because I really don't know what to do. Know what I keep getting? Silence. Ok not always. I think I'm getting a lot of "BE PATIENT." And something to the affect of "Do you really think I'm just going to leave you out in the cold with nothing?" "Do you really think I just wanted to play a trick on you?" Um. . .no. . .not really. Ok, I'll keep going, I'll keep trusting you ok? Sorry, God. . .

Another thing I'm trying to figure out is if I want to continue going to the church I'm going to. Guess what the sermon series is for the next 3 months? Just a wonderful topic. The M word. No, no, no, not that M word. The other one: marriage. I about freaked when I saw the bulletin about it on Sunday. I was just like "holy shit, you've got to be kidding me." I don't want to sit through 3 months of sermons on marriage! But then maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea since I really don't know what I think of the whole marriage thing and need some assistance forming my opinion. I hate to completely stop going to church but seriously, I think it's just going to be a form of torture. And I really don't want to try to find somewhere else to go just for the 3 months I'm still here. Oh well. . .

For now, I'll continue on with what I'm doing. I'll start seriously trying to figure out where I should go and start trying to find a job and a place to live. Wherever I go, I hope this is the last big move for awhile. I want to feel settled somewhere at least for a little bit.

Easter

Today is Good Friday. Sunday is Easter. The last however many weeks has been Lent.

And I feel totally out of it. I've been to church twice during lent. Every year I always think that I'll really take the time to focus on the season and the meaning of it but this year it's like it's nothing to me.

But at the same time it's everything to me. The death and resurrection of Christ is everything my belief system is based on. It's this amazing mystery and conspiracy. It's a story of passion, love, and hatred. It's something that makes me feel totally loved but totally unworthy. One moment, I cower in fear at the fact I can never measure up. Then, I throw my hands up in abandon knowing I am bought with a price and I am accepted.

The cross provides me with clarity and direction but at the same time confusion. How is that possible? How can something be so clear yet so confusing and hard to handle?

Happy Easter to you all.

If only I had a picture

To anyone reading this:
If I EVER EVER EVER say anything about wanting blonde hair, do whatever it takes to say NO. Kick, scream, and yell, bind me up and give me a box of dark brown hair color whatever it takes NEVER let me try to go blonde ever again!

And in case you're wondering, I tried. tonight. I look like a freakin clown. I paid a buttload of money for it.

I'm getting fixed on Saturday. And I'm seriously considering calling in sick tomorrow.

Spring?

It's snowing.
All the pretty flowers are going to be gone. Including the lilacs. At least I got to see some though.
I thought it was too good to be true for it to actually stay warm without at least one more cold snap.

Moving

Every once in awhile when I think about the whole moving thing I have this slightly overwelming fear (or thought or something) that I won't get to. Ok yes, it is a fear. And talking to my mom about it is annoying; she still thinks there is some reason for me being here. So I just talk about looking at apartments in Denver and saving up money for the move and try to ignore the "mmhmm" (translation: yeah we'll see about that).
Now really there's nothing really wrong with Wichita. It's not that bad. But when you've lived somewhere like Denver (and even St. Louis) it's just a downer. I think I could've liked it over time but now that there's no reason for me to be here (insert another "well maybe there is a reason" comment from my mom) I want to live somewhere that I actually want to be.
We'll see. I've said it before that if I have to stay here I will be open to that but I really want to move. I'll keep planning on it that's for sure. And I won't worry about it.

Rejoice

Last night when I came home from work, these words were on my lips "rejoice in the Lord always." Now I'm not usually one to have a Bible verse pop in my head and I honestly have no idea where it is in the Bible really (NT somewhere I think), so I thought about it some more.
We all know it's easy to rejoice in God when things are going well and we are happy. I mean, look at me, as soon as I get into a bad mood I'm thinking nothing will ever be ok, I'll never be happy, and my life will never mean anything. Ha! I'm so dramatic.
So can I really rejoice in the Lord always? And not just when I'm happy? I mean even now when I'm in a good mood it's sometimes hard because I'm still not too crazy about my situation. But really it's not that bad. I won't always be working so much (I hope). But even then I am glad I've had the energy and the schedule to be able to work so I can get things paid for. It's amazing to be able to make my student loan payments and pay more than the minimum on my credit cards. And schedule-wise it's pretty good; I don't have to get to the cable company until 9:30 so it doesn't make leaving the hotel at 11 or 11:30 too bad.
And not only that, I feel like my attitude is changing towards things I want or think I need. Would I love to go buy clothes at Banana Republic and Dillards? Of course. But I'm liking my Target clothes a lot. In fact I'm probably going to go buy a couple more shirts. They're great! And I'm a little irritated that I can't find suitable shoes at Target because I don't want to spend more money somewhere else! Oh well. I will probably still go get the cute leopard-print sandals at Target sometime soon.

The other day I almost had a slightly uncomfortable run-in while getting my coffee. Or at least, the potential for one but it ended up not being anything. I didn't let who I knew was inside Starbucks keep me from getting my much-needed coffee. I was proud of myself. I was feeling very chipper that morning so I was determined to make sure I said hi if I had the chance but I didn't have to.

The Cardinals lost again last night. How sad! Maybe they can win tonight. I wish I didn't have to work so I could watch the game. I love having ESPN 2.

I like me

Yesterday I filled out one of those surveys on myspace and one of the questions was about what body part you don't like. I thought for a bit and couldn't come up with an answer. Many people go straight to their arms or legs or nose or something but nothing came to my mind. And this morning when I was getting ready I looked more closely and said to myself "I do like the way I look."
I mean there are little annoyances. My skin still annoys me at times but it could be worse. I admit I wouldn't mind losing a bit more of my tummy but really as a whole I like the way I look. I'm tall, fairly well-proportioned, I'm not too skinny, not too big. I'm beautiful.

Holy crap. I started writing this at like 10:30 and now it is 12:30 and I have been swamped with people making payments. It's not all bad for the most part but there are always the people that don't pay attention to their bills so they don't know how much they owe or get mad because I tell them I only take payments. Oh well some people just like to be difficult.

It's a beautiful day

It's a gorgeous spring day here in Wichita. On days like this I don't mind too much to be here. Maybe. ;-)
Also on days like this, I hate that I'm stuck inside all day. I can't wait until my lunch break so I can turn in my timecard. I like walking down there and today is a perfect day to do it. And I'll get to go by the park again and see the lilacs! Woohoo.

Saturday and Sunday were crazy at the hotel. It made me realize how much I really don't like working there. And we're getting a new manager. I guess she was supposed to start today so we'll see how that goes.

Ok time for lunch! yay!

Baseball and pasta

Can I just say it again? I rock. I am a damn good cook, I've discovered. Tonight was penne pasta and pesto with broccoli, tomatoes, and an Italian cheese blend. I also got bread that I topped with olive oil, garlic, pesto, and cheese. It's yummy.
I ended up talking to mom while I was cooking. I was cutting the bread and mentioned that it would make good communion bread referring to the fact that the church I've been going to serves little wafers. Then I said if I had some grape juice I could have my own communion. Then I thought well I don't have grape juice, but I do have cranberry juice so I could use that. So I did. That led to me mentioning how it was only since prohibition that grape juice was even used, which led to mom asking me if I've had wine. I hesitated a little but then finally said yes and I actually prefer it over juice for communion. There's something about the bitterness of it that just goes with communion. That's one thing I've avoided ever talking to my parents about but I figured it would come out sometime. When they come visit they're going to see the couple wine bottles I have set out. And I'm determined to not put them away, I can't hide from them who I am. I like wine; in fact, I really hate that liquor stores are closed here on Sundays, wine would've been wonderful with my meal. I would've felt all Italian. :-)
Anyway, something she said about how we can have communion on our own and it doesn't have to be blessed by clergy started me thinking about my recent attitude of "to hell with it" when it comes to my faith. One I seriously think there's the possibility that I suffer from pms more than I think I do but mainly I think maybe I get so hooked (or I am still hooked) on the idea that my faith is only about what I do and not the fact that it's just. . .me. My faith isn't separate from who I am. It is who I am. I think when I start getting the idea in my head that I am probably not getting it right because I don't do this, or I don't do that, I start judging myself on man's definition of what a Christian is supposed to be, and not on the fact that I am free from that judgment and Christ takes me as I am. And not only am I free from the judgment of other people I am free from my own judgment of myself. It's so hard still, though. Who knows if it will ever get any easier to just continue to hold on to that.
I still have no idea what my life will hold but I'm along for the ride!

Oh and just on a side note, I'm so sad that the Cardinals are losing. And despite the unfortunate name, Skip Schumaker I believe will become my new favorite player. And I admit it, it's just because he's cute ;-)

Yummy yummy

Let me just say. . I ROCK.

And someday when I have a bigger kitchen, I do believe I will love trying all different kinds of recipes. It's fun.
With the exception of forgetting to defrost 1 of the 3 packages of chicken that are sitting in my freezer and having to buy another package, my enchiladas ended up SO awesome. And really easy to make. And the guacamole. . .excellent. However, I am beginning to regret the decision to put a whole serrano chile in it. My tongue is burning. And chasing it with my margarita isn't helping! ;-)

Sunday night is Italian night and baseball! Oh! That reminds me, I have to get pesto...the grocery store didn't have any. What's up with that?

OO! Today I finally got to see and smell some lilacs! They were at a park right near where I work. It was wonderful. I love lilacs.

Rain

After a week or so of a lot of cloudy days and not too much rain, last night it let loose. I woke up this morning to the sound of pouring rain. I like rain. And somewhere, I know I have an umberella. But I have no idea where it is. Oh well, I don't like umberellas anyway. Too much hassle. I don't mind getting a little wet.

Anyway, my mind is racing. Something I read on a message board started making me think about connecting with people. And my lack of connection with anyone right now. Lately, the only people I feel like I have connected with are my parents. I'm thankful for that but at the same time it's difficult sometimes because I think we're both figuring out how to relate to each other. They've been so supportive of me but I think there's a part of them that is not sure how to relate to my brother and I because our lives are so much different than what my sister's was at our age. It's a different dynamic. I'm so thankful for them though. It's harder and harder to try to talk to my sister. Or any other friends who live far away. Everyone is so busy with their lives and it's hard to make time which stinks. Sometimes it's frustrating that the only way you know what's going on with anyone is by reading one of these. Connecting really is hard and sometimes when you feel like you actually do connect with someone there's that possibility of the connection gettnig all screwed up. As much as you do want to be able to connect with someone it's scary because there's always that chance of getting hurt. So, rather than taking that chance, it's easier to just shy away from it.

Then I think about connecting with God. This blog made me think of different ways to worship and connect. Which is another reason it's hard for me to talk to my parents sometimes about the whole faith thing. Mom is constantly telling me to rely on God and reach out to him and it's getting old. I admit it, I roll my eyes most of the time. It's become such a cliche to me. And she's convinced if I listen to Joyce Meyer my life will be changed forever. The thought of that makes me gag. There's such a gap between what I believe and the things I was taught and was around growing up and I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate it all. It's frustrating sometimes. I feel like I don't know how to navigate it and have no idea what to do to figure out how.
And it's hard trying to figure it out especially when there's not much time to do so. Any night I have off work, the time has to be used very carefully. Besides making my dinner Friday, I HAVE to clean. It's driving me nuts not having time to clean my apartment.

Another thing I've been reminded of is how many people are actually going through a lot. Everyone's life has something going on. Ok, ok, I know this is an obvious statement but it's true and so much of the time I'm so concerned with my life I forget about other people's. A lot of the time I do care other times I don't. I admit it. I'm human and I definitely can be selfish, whether I like it or not.

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want. . . .well, it doesn't matter right now. I guess right now I just need to live life right now and try not to worry too much about anything else.

Party at my house

After all week of e-mailing myself tons of recipes I've seen on the food network, I've decided to try my hand at a new recipe. Friday it will be enchiladas and a new guacamole recipe. I was tempted to go Italian, but I really want guacamole :-D
I'm going to have some fun cooking. And have some good leftovers for the weekend. Woohoo!

My life as it is now

The last few weeks I've had the urge to try new recipes. I'm so sick of all the same food I've been eating. I keep saving recipes from the food network that hopefully I'll get to try sometime. And now I'm watching the food network and Emeril is making soups including a broccoli and cheese one that sounds good. . .I'll have to try it. I am also wanting to try to make something with asparagus and artichokes.

I was thinking last night about how I guess it's just hard for me to live my life when I feel like there's nothing to it. When it comes right down to it, I'm not really happy about my life and that's just hard to deal with for me. I'm not really working towards anything and any goals I have or future plans seem so far off. . .And even trying to tell myself my life will not always be like this, things could be a lot worse, and I will not always be stuck in Wichita, sometimes it doesn't help to make me feel better. I figured it up. . .only 15 more weeks until I can leave. I have to figure out how to make it a little better because I can't stand the way things are now. I want things to change, even if it's just being able to be just a little (and even a tad) more content here. Somehow things have to be different. I'm still not sure how to make that happen. I think one thing that is making it so hard is the job situation. On one hand, having two jobs isn't too bad and it feels good to be able to pay all of my bills without having to go to the parents for money. On the other hand, I absolutely hate it. I don't have time to get things done, I'm constantly going out to eat because I don't have time to cook, and I'm always tired. But right now it's necessary. I really hope I can find something in Denver that pays enough so I don't have to continue the two job thing. But if I have to, I will.

God calmed me down a lot last night. I'm still just. . .blah about the whole faith thing, but he calmed me down when I needed it. I just get impatient I guess. I guess everyone does from time to time. I guess maybe it's hard because I don't feel like my life has much purpose right now. I'm not really living for anything. I'm not sure what to do with my life as it is right now. Oh well. if anything I'll continue working, pay my bills, and try to save up some money to move. In another month or so I can start trying to figure out stuff about the move and then it'll hopefully start to feel more real and something to look forward to. There really are a lot of cute places I've been looking at. And hopefully I'll find people to live with.

I'll keep going.

Fluff

Ok, so let's forget about everything that's really on my mind and just still with fluffy stuff.

*Spring is here. . .bunch of stuff blooming. One of these days I hope I can enjoy it. I hope I see some lilacs sometime.
*It's been cloudy here like all week. Supposedly there's a big storm coming. It seems the "big" storms always become small by the time they get here, so we'll see. I hate when it gets cloudy and looks like rain but then rain never comes. Plus, I need some lightning.
*Baseball season begins next Sunday. And guess who will be home that night to watch the ESPN coverage? Yes, that would be me, thank you very much. I somehow got scheduled to work a lovely 10 hour shift starting at 8 am that day but now I don't mind.
*My french guy is gone. I didn't get to see him again after Wednesday. He's in LA now. Sad.

ok that's enough fluff.

trying to write.

I've started to write something a few times in the last few days only to delete it all and sign off in a hurry before I change my mind.

Even now I am just sitting here trying to figure out if I do want to write, and if I do, what to write. There's lots I could write. . .

Ok well I just wrote something but deleted it.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Faith

I've been thinking a lot about faith the last few days, weeks, months. . .years. . .

Now after the last few days, it seems I can't get the whole faith thing right so, I wonder, what's the point? A few months ago I was wanting to go to church and I was intent of really doing the whole trusting God thing. I really wanted to work on my relationship and really try to live it out.

Now I'm closer to saying "f*** it."

My mother keeps telling me to depend on God, look to him, yada, yada, yada and I just get so frustrated because I'm trying! I've been trying for most of my damn life. God has been a constant presence and topic in my life all my life. Even before I was freakin born. I was surrounded by it ALL THE TIME. And I ALWAYS felt out of place and not like everyone else I was always around. I never managed to get it "right."

And I'm still like that. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. God keeps just being silent and I'm tired of waiting. If he's not going to do anything with me why doesn't he just leave me the hell alone?
But do I really want him to? Do I want God to just turn his back on me? Do I really want to turn my back on him? I know how I'd be if I wasn't trying to depend on God and it scares me.

I just know that things have to be different and soon. I can't take this much longer.

Lalalala

"The Producers" was AWESOME. I highly recommend it. It's hilarious, the music is great. . .I loved it. And I think it was the first time I left a show like that and didn't leave thinking "I wish I could do that." I mean, I do wish it but I didn't leave feeling like I missed my life's calling by not being able to be in "showbiz." (I think. . .)

So today I went through the whole process of setting up a new blog. But. . .I don't think I'm going to use it right now. And I don't know if I'll mess with the whole inviting thing. It's too much hassle really. I mean really, what's the point? Who cares?

For now, I'll keep things the same, I guess.

Man, it's been a long weekend. Finally, tonight, I get to relax a little bit. Which is good, I need it. The laundry is piling up.

OOOO La La. . .

So in the chaos of the whole debit card thing I forgot to mention that I get to go see the Producers tonight!!!! I'm so excited!!!!

And seriously. . .the guy from France. . .yeah. . .he's nice. Today I found out that after he leaves here he's going to LA and Dallas. And he likes American cars like Corvettes. And he likes motorcycles. Today in town there were a bunch of bikers and he was looking at all the bikes.

My sister sent me this today:

"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from teh ground that isn't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. "

Fraud!

So. . .I had a bit of drama tonight. First, I noticed that $20 was missing from my wallet. Then I found out that it had happened to a few other people as well. I was indeed a little irritated about it. I even wrote a note and put it by the timeclock that said (to whoever is doing it because it's apparently an employee) "stop stealing people's money."
Then I got home and checked my wallet again and realized that my old bank card was gone. I got online and sure enough it had been used a couple of times.
I'm not horribly worried about it now because I called the bank, got the card deactivated and everything. .. I even filed a police report. Luckily I caught it soon enough so they didn't do too much damage. I think I'm going to add something to the note tomorrow.
They didn't take my current card probably because my picture is on it. What's scary is just today had put my SS card in my purse because I needed it for work so that was in there too. Plus checks and everything. I figured they went straight for the wallet to go through it real quick because they never knew when someone was going to walk into the office at the hotel and catch them.

Now my purse will never leave my sight and as soon as I find my padlock I'm locking it up!

Crazy people stealing my money. . .ok I gotta go to bed. I'm riled up enough I don't know if I can sleep.

Happy stuff

Things that make me laugh and smile:

1) The little maintenance guy at the hotel saying "Red Bull gives you wings" complete with a little flip of his arms imitating wings. Everyone got to experience my squeaky laugh as a result. And then the maintenance guy choked on his red bull.

2) Listening to the hot French guy (and very nice French guy I might add) saying "karaoke." It took like 3 times of him saying it before I figured out what he was saying. Seriously wish I had a recording. It was adorable.

3) Sushi. I had it again last night. It's wonderful.

4) Being able to pay to get my truck fixed without using a credit card.

5) Chicks, ducks, and bunnies.

Just some tidbits

Just a few little tidbits:

1) 17 days until opening day

2) Had to take my truck in to get the brakes looked at. I think the same thing that was wrong with it last year is wrong again on the other side. I can't wait to see how much it's going to cost.

3) Got to see (& talk to) hot French guy again last night. I told him about the cool movie theatre downtown (you can order food and drinks from your seat) and wished I could've said "you have to try it, let's go this weekend." Forget the no fraterinizing with guests rule.

4) I'm going to start looking at Biology grad programs at different universities to see where I think I'd want to go to see where I think I want to move. I want to keep my options open and even though sometimes the idea that I can go anywhere I want is a little scary it's also kinda exciting!!

Ew I just got the call from the auto shop. I love that I get to shell out $300 today.

Eye Candy, part deux

There are definitely perks that come with working at a hotel. You get to meet a lot of different people from all over. . .

Like the absolutely gorgeous guy from France, although he hasn't lived there for awhile. He's lived in Singapore and New Zealand. He's here for pilot training. I picked him up from the Y last night and made myself talk to him the whole way back (ok it's only a few minutes but still). I love listening to him talk. So yeah I just asked him where he was from, what he does, etc. It'll be nice seeing him around for the next few weeks.

And this weekend is the Producers!!!! I REALLY hope we get tickets for Saturday night because then I'll be able to go and I already told my boss I want tickets. And it'll be so much fun having the cast. They're only doing two shows so they won't be here long enough to be annoying like the cast of Mamma Mia. I wonder if cute french guy wants to go see the Producers. ;-)

Bored

I'm bored, so I thought I'd write something.

So that movie I saw on Thursday, Amazing Grace. . .it was pretty good. I left a little depressed because the only thing I could think of was "what am I that passionate about that I would continue to fight for 15-20 or more years?" Um. . .nothing. . .this guy fought for like 20 years to abolish the slave trade. So much of the time I feel that I am passionate about different things but not in a position to do anything about it.

One of the lines in the movie struck me. I can't remember it exactly. William said something about his faith returning although there were no lightning bolts or anything like that. Then John Newton (played by Albert Finney) said something like God sometimes works like a light drizzle. . .drop by drop.
hmmm. How many times do we expect God to come at us like a lightning bolt? I have to admit, I'm a little tired of the drizzle. I sometimes wish that God would just do something immediately. I am tired of going from feeling better to feeling like I wish I wasn't even a. . . .ok even the thought of typing the rest of that thought is scary. And ridiculous. Because it's really not how I feel.
But God continues to drizzle on me. Drop by drop. Is there really something wrong with me actually being happy and joyful? I want the instances of me actually knowing that I'll be ok to become greater in number. Right now they are too far apart. I know it's probably because I just hold on to things a lot longer than I should. Sometimes it's hard not to just want to bash him and blame him for everything even though I know not everything was his fault. We just. . .made a mistake. We thought there could be more to our relationship and we were wrong. Simple as that. I still don't like that I am still here and in this situation though. I don't like that he was the only guy to come around in 5 years and it ended up like this. I know things could be worse that's for sure but it still sucks.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she, in her very charasmatic, name-it, claim-it way made me realize (again) how much that does NOT appeal to me. And this trusting and finding God is going to be and look different than that. There's nothing wrong with that, I'm just different.
I know I'll be fine. I keep repeating that to myself. And if God wants to keep the drizzle going instead of the heavy rain and lightning bolts then ok. I'll go with it. Like I've said before I know now more of what I want and don't want. What do I want? To find a place I can someday call home. I want to find a place to stay for more than a few years at a time, I want to pay off my credit cards and go back to school. I will not live my life thinking I have to be married before I am "complete" or can be happy because that's not true. I want to be able to live my life instead of going through it feeling like I'm in a daze, which is how I've felt the last week or so.

ok time to start counting my money.

It's interesting when you keep getting reminded of the kind of person someone is. It makes me feel a little sorry for them. But I guess if that's the way they are ok being, then whatever. At least I don't have to deal with it. I am sad for the person though (like you don't know who I'm talking about).

I kinda hate to do this and it may not be a permanent thing but I have decided that it would be best if I go ahead and limit access to my blog. I've seen a couple of people do this and decided it would be easier than starting a whole new blog (maybe, thoughts on that anyone?). So, I now am going to limit access to people who I invite to read it. In order to do this I guess the easiest way is to leave me a comment with your e-mail address (I won't publish the comments) or if you know my e-mail address, e-mail me. We'll see how that works. I know it may be a pain but quite honestly since Dave hasn't stopped reading this I'm forcing him to. And it is really for no other reason than I just don't like that he can find out whatever he wants about me. He has no right anymore.

So over the next week or so I'll be inviting you as I get e-mail addresses. And then if I figure out that it may be too complicated then I'll just start a new blog.

I know life is like this but. . .it's really frustrating to go from feeling good and then over the course of the week go right back to feeling absolutely horrible.
It seems that it doesn't matter what I do I am just, overall, very discontent and unhappy.

I know I am still angry. And I know I still really haven't just been able to forgive myself. Or him. I'm trying.

I know I'll feel better eventually.

I hope. I'm just so tired. Of everything.

Oh my goodness, we're watching Ellen and she's on the phone with some old lady from Austin, Texas and the lady started a story with "I love Jesus but I drink a little." Ellen couldn't contain her laughter. It was hilarious. Ok at least I got to laugh today.

Something has to change. And soon.
I'm tired of this.

There are many things I am thinking about today. I don't have much motivation to actually write it. It wears me out thinking about it. But here goes.

One thing is how much I wish I could get out of here. But then also having no idea where to go really. Or what to do when I get there. Everything will be as uncertain as it is right now. Moving back to Denver means loading up all my stuff, paying who knows how much to move it all, finding a place to live, roommates, and a job. I try not to think about it because it's too overwelming. But the thought of staying here is just downright awful. Even if, God forbid, I stay here, I want to find a different place to live. I hate my apartment. Yesterday when I got home from shopping I just wanted to leave again.

I hate that I still think about him. I don't like that I am still up and down about it all. One day I feel like I'm content about it, one day I feel like it just happened yesterday.
Mom keeps saying she thinks there is a reason for this all. But really, I think it is just something that happened. I made a wrong choice. And now I'm just having to deal with it. I will, I know.
One day I'll get the hell out of here and I won't think of him as much.
Sometimes it just all comes back.

Oh well. It doesn't matter.

playing hooky

I took the day off from work today. I know I probably shouldn't have but I did.
And you'd think I'd be able to just sit and do nothing. But I couldn't. I couldn't sit still. So I went shopping. I needed to anyway. And it was very successful. I went to TJ Max (gasp!) and found pants and a shirt then went to Target and found more shirts. It was great. I still need to find shoes for work though. I couldn't find anything I liked.

I also went to the movies. I saw the movie Amazing Grace. It was good. I highly recommend it. I had all this stuff to say about it when I got out of the movie. Maybe I'll write about it later.

So now I'm home again and still not wanting to sit still. I finally have a night that I get to watch Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy and they're repeats that I've already seen. Figures.

You know, it sometimes really sucks coming home to an empty apartment.

There have been several times I've thought about getting a new blog. I probably use this too much as a substitute for keeping a personal journal and there are some things I can't write about because of who I know will be reading. Sometimes I think that I don't like that certain people know plenty of what's going on with me but I know nothing of what is going on with them.

So maybe I'll try to scale back a bit. I have said that before but it's never worked too well. I think I will at least make myself write something down in my journal or on my computer journal before I write here. That way I can edit my thoughts a bit more.

I read a bit of my entries from last spring. They are interesting.

I'm tired.

My sister sent me a letter the other day and included a copy of a devotional that she had read and thought I needed to read. It was about a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend and now at the age of 30 was afraid of being alone. And then learning to give that fear over to God.

And I wondered: "is that me? Am I actually afraid of being alone, as in never getting married?"

And the thing is I don't think I am. I know that if I never get married then I'll be ok. I'll be better than ok. I know that I don't NEED to get married. Do I want to? Yeah, I do still. But I know I want to wait until I'm ready and it's the right time and I'm not going to live my life thinking it won't be complete until I'm married. I have to be complete on my own. If that means waiting 5, 10, 15, 20 years or never then ok.

However, I do think that I am afraid of being alone, in the sense of not having that many friends around. It takes a LOT of effort for me and sometimes I am just not willing to make the effort. I've struggled with the fact that I'm not that outgoing but at the same time I still want to just be me. After I get more comfortable I am more outgoing. I refuse to think that the fact that I am shy is a huge flaw or something. But it does make it difficult. Sometimes I really just wish I had someone I could call up and hang out with around here. I do get lonely. And sometimes as much as I like talking to my parents, I want someone else to talk to.

I got to thinking again today about whether or not I should try to find a regular job here. I'm exhausted. I woke up today at like 8:40 and have to be at work at 9:30. And the next two days will be exactly the same. But I am still looking forward to moving in four months. So I don't know. At this point a regular full-time job means staying in Wichita. I know I could do it and be fine but...I don't know. Even though I've been feeling better the last few weeks, everything is still uncertain and I still don't know what I want to do. I'm more to a point that I just want to want what God wants (how many times can you use want in a sentence?) for me.

Even with everything so uncertain and being unsure of so much, I am sure that I'm ok, there is something (and maybe even someone) for me. And Jesus is covering me and holding on to me tight. Just like he always has.

It's official

I LOVE sushi.

I've been wanting to try it for quite awhile and today I finally did. It was awesome.

I just need to master chopsticks.

Keeping it Holy

Yesterday was my Sabbath. Ok some of you may be thinking well, duh, yesterday was Sunday but really, I'm serious, it was my Sabbath.
I worked all week and weekend. I had to work yesterday but before work I was able to relax and even though I had to complete some mundane tasks such as laundry, it was my Sabbath.
After Friday and Saturday I was exhausted. We had a huge group check into the hotel on Friday and I ended up being there until 12:30 am, then worked at the cable company on Saturday, then the hotel until around 11:30 pm. I had already decided that I wouldn't set my alarm but if I woke up in time I'd go to church. I did wake up in time but as I laid in bed thinking about how I needed to do laundry and go to the grocery store and still make it to work by 3, I got the sense that it would actually be more beneficial for me not to go to church. And I really think it was. I drank some coffee, got onto my computer (I could actually get online!). Then I just took my time and "rested" while I did my laundry, went to the store, got my mail. . .it was a BEAUTIFUL day here. I walked to the laundry room and I was just so. . .content. And relaxed. It was a day that I didn't mind that I was in Kansas. I just enjoyed the day. It was just wonderful. God allowed me to relax and rejuvenate and keep the Sabbath holy. Even though I didn't go to church, I worshipped, even while doing my laundry and the little tasks that would've been stressing me out all week because they wouldn't have gotten done for a few more days. I even worshipped while getting ready for work. I turned on some Jars and just enjoyed the time I had to myself. Nothing to worry about, just taking my time. It was great.

I have thought a lot about the Sabbath. At one point, Jesus said that the Sabbath was made for the man, not man for the Sabbath. God wanted a day where we could relax and worship Him. He knew that life can get so busy we forget to stop and breathe. He knew we needed a day to rest. Sometimes our circumstances don't allow that day of rest to be on Sunday. I learned that just because of my dad; his day to work was on Sunday. The pastor of where I go to church takes Friday as his Sabbath. While in college, I learned real quick to not even think that I wasn't going to not do homework on Sunday. At CCU, Friday ended up being my day to rest and not do anything. And now I feel like when I have a chance to rest, I take it, enjoy it, and it just is so wonderful, no matter what day it is. This week won't be as busy. I have a couple of nights off. Hopefully I'll catch up on some sleep and stuff I need to get done, including buying new shoes. My feet hurt so bad.

I love being able to worship in un-traditional ways. I love when I feel like God is saying "don't worry if you're not worshipping at a church service, do what you need to do." I felt like God gave me from 10 am until 3 pm as a gift (and even the rest of the day because it wasn't that busy at the hotel so I wasn't stressed there) and I accepted it and thanked him over and over for it.

OH! And I got a head start on Easter candy. I went to Target and passed by the candy aisle and my eyes lit up as I realized that it was the time of year for my Sweettarts Chicks, Ducks, and Bunnies. And then I laughed to myself as I remembered how a few years ago and I slipped up and said Chucks, Dicks, and Bunnies. Hehehehehe. I'm sure if anyone saw me in the candy aisle they would've thought I was insane or something.

Thanks to that time yesterday I feel like I can actually make through this week. Last week I felt like I was going to fall over.

And today is another beautiful day.

:-)

Fever

Apparently the rest of the country is experiencing severe thunderstorms, tornados, and lots of snow.
Here it is breezy, sunny, and although not as warm as yesterday, fairly warm and pleasant.

It's GORGEOUS here. I figure we're either just lucky and are going to miss all the bad weather or we're going to get slammed. And by bad, I just mean a bad snowstorm or tornado. Thunderstorms are ok (and welcome). I'm so sad; apparently it rained last night after I went to bed. I always miss the rain.

But anyway I started writing this because I am feeling the fever. Spring fever. I want it to be about 65 degrees and sunny and I want to go to the park and walk and soak up some sun. I'm stuck in this building all day long and it's depressing me. I need to go outside!

tired

I left the hotel at 12:30 last night. I woke up one minute before my alarm went off then hit the snooze for about 30 minutes before I actually got up. Ok maybe 40. I'm tired.

It's times like these that I wish I could find one job that paid enough but then again, working two jobs occupies my time which is good. And I only have four more months (!) of living here and I'm more and more convinced I don't want to stay here (although the other day I had to give up some control and tell God that if for some reason he wants me to stay here I will followed by a "i really hope I don't have to though"). I'm hoping I'm going to be able to start putting some money aside to help me cover the cost of moving. I keep looking at apartments in Denver and Lakewood. I think I may just try to find a place near to where I lived before. It's close to everything I want to be close to. Including TOTT! Oh man, last weekend all I could think about was wanting chinese food. I finally got some at the grocery store but nothing compares to TOTT.

I can't believe everything that has happened this year. Sometimes I think about it and I'm still just like "what the. . .?" Last year at this time he was no part of my life. I was concentrating on school and just living. It's still kinda funny how I ended up finding him. I had a dream about someone else that I hadn't seen in years and then tried looking him up on the internet. I had heard of good old myspace but thought it was a little ridiculous. Then I just decided to sign up. After finding a few other people, I thought of DC and was then amazed to actually find him. Even after our initial phone call to catch up I never thought we'd continue talking. But, alas, we did. Sure we had fun. It was good getting to know him. I'm not sorry for that. I must admit, though, I do wish I hadn't thought that I wanted it to be more. We would've been fine just staying friends. Sure after awhile we would've gotten to the point where we weren't talking as much but at least I would've been able to send a Christmas card and even send the kids birthday cards. Oh well. I do still miss having someone to talk to though. It was cool having someone that I looked forward to talking to. Hopefully this will make me be more careful and not rush into anything.

But you know, I love that I know that I really am ok and a lot better off now. I feel good that I'm doing what I need to do to get bills paid and stuff. And I feel good that I know even more now that I can be me. I don't have to hide the fact that I'm not perfect and I'm still figuring some stuff out. I don't have to apologize for that. I don't know why so much of the time I think I have to.

Ok back to work.