My mouth hurts, my head hurts, and my shoulders hurt...
I had a tooth removed last Thursday and my mouth is swollen and sore. I've been living on ibuprofen. I really REALLY should have had the doc give me the painkiller he said he could give me. Oh well. Anyway that is what is making my head hurt. And stress and tiredness is making my shoulders hurt. Oh well. Hopefully my mouth will feel better soon.
I just realized that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. People are talking about what they are giving up and I am not even joking, I'd give anything to be able to give up about 10 hours of work-time at this point. Ok, not really a possibility, I know. The last few years I've been hearing about people adding something for Lent, actually. Something that is challenging for them to do, something that will be enriching and hopefully a way to grow over the next 6 weeks.
I've been wanting to make myself take more time for me lately. I NEED to. I need to do something that is feeding my mine and soul. It's interesting when working in a place that you are caring for people. . .you end up in a place where for just a little while you have to think about only yourself and can't feel like you're being selfish. I do take some time every once in awhile but it's not always necessarily "good" for me. I need something besides watching some TV or a movie, or going out to dinner.
I was thinking I would like to find a good book to read and just commit to reading it everyday. Or do something that would definitely be challenging: read my Bible. Eek! I haven't read it on a regular basis in a very long time. Or I was thinking about making myself write each day. I haven't journaled in quite awhile either. I'll have to think about it. Quite honestly, like everything else my spiritual life has been in the dumps lately; it would probably be good for me to just take more time out to focus on it more.
We'll see. Maybe this Lenten season won't just be like another 6 weeks.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Not getting into the PA program has gotten me on a major "thinking about life" kick. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. I feel like in some way I'll always be thinking about my life, of course. I'll always be trying to figure it out.
Truth is right now, I am not very satisfied with any part of my life. I'm fairly satisified with the hope that my life will not always be the way it is, but in general, I am just. . .not.
I have thought about the things that are the most important to me and things that I want someday. Or wish I had now. Relationships are important to me. Friends, family, etc. Well, my family is far away and quite honestly, I'm ok with that. After visiting last Christmas, I realized that I am totally ok with being 8 or 9 hours away. I miss seeing them for little things, like birthdays and random family get togethers, but as a whole I'm fine with being far away.
Then there are friends. I have friends here but I am so busy that I am not able to see them very often. Every once in awhile my roommate and I have late night girl talk which is good. All my other close friends live far away so talking to them is reserved for phone calls every once in awhile or catching each other online. Or commenting on Facebook status updates ;-) So while the friendships part of my life isn't ideal it isn't bad. I know what it was like having no one to hang out with here so I like that I do have people I can call up if I have time and go out to a movie or something.
Then, of course, there is the twinge of disappointment I feel every once in awhile when I wish I had someone sleeping next to me or someone to cuddle with while watching a movie. Or when I wish I wasn't feeling like I'm going through all this life stuff completely alone or wish I had someone besides myself to think of all the time. What's weird is that I am also trying to figure out how to have a friendship with a guy that I'd be dating if he were still here. Right now I figure that maybe I was just put into his life because he was going to need someone that was good to him and encouraging while he was going through all this stuff. We'll be friends for awhile then because of distance and our different lives, we'll just be like. . .facebook friends or something. That is, if he gets back on facebook, which I doubt. Anyway. It basically stinks knowing there is someone that thinks you are absolutely wonderful but is 1000+ miles away. Oh and has so much crap going on that really a relationship would be impossible anyway.
Past the relationships, there's the job/career/life passion thing. I am not satisfied with my jobs. I am not where I thought I'd be at 28 when it comes to my career. I mean, I still don't have one and it's frustrating. I figured I'd at least have a career if not a relationship or vice versa. And now it looks like I'm on the "I'm focused on my career right now" track. I pretty much figure the relationship thing won't happen until after I'm completely done with school and settled into a career, if it happens at all. Is that horrible? No. Is it how I want it? No. I already feel like I'm pursuing my 2nd choice career, which is fine, I am excited about someday being a PA. I hate that I have to wait even longer and have no idea how I'm going to continue to work 60 hours a week.
I know all this probably just sounds like small, stupid, shallow complaints, but I really do wonder how long I can go on being so unhappy with everything in my life. Do I really just have to live with it? Do I just continue to be patient and wait for the day when things aren't so bad? Can I will myself to be happy? Is it just all about positive thinking? Or do is there some kind of action involved? Then I also think about how really...I have NOTHING to complain about. I have nothing to worry about. I have nothing to really actually be unhappy about. Because even though it's not all I want right now. . .it's not bad. I know this.
Then there's the God aspect of all this. Even with being unsatisfied. . .I am still holding on to the idea that somehow God is working. I'm still praying that God will lead me to where he wants me. That he will continue making me into the person he wants me to be. I still trust that His hand is in my life. So does that mean I do just have to be patient and just wait? What do I do in the meantime really?
Who knows. I do know that even with this time of being unhappy, there are still good things. I will make it. I will do what I need to do to get what I want. And someday I will learn to hold on tight to the hope, wonder, and beauty that I know is all around me even when things aren't going well. I hope so, at least.
Truth is right now, I am not very satisfied with any part of my life. I'm fairly satisified with the hope that my life will not always be the way it is, but in general, I am just. . .not.
I have thought about the things that are the most important to me and things that I want someday. Or wish I had now. Relationships are important to me. Friends, family, etc. Well, my family is far away and quite honestly, I'm ok with that. After visiting last Christmas, I realized that I am totally ok with being 8 or 9 hours away. I miss seeing them for little things, like birthdays and random family get togethers, but as a whole I'm fine with being far away.
Then there are friends. I have friends here but I am so busy that I am not able to see them very often. Every once in awhile my roommate and I have late night girl talk which is good. All my other close friends live far away so talking to them is reserved for phone calls every once in awhile or catching each other online. Or commenting on Facebook status updates ;-) So while the friendships part of my life isn't ideal it isn't bad. I know what it was like having no one to hang out with here so I like that I do have people I can call up if I have time and go out to a movie or something.
Then, of course, there is the twinge of disappointment I feel every once in awhile when I wish I had someone sleeping next to me or someone to cuddle with while watching a movie. Or when I wish I wasn't feeling like I'm going through all this life stuff completely alone or wish I had someone besides myself to think of all the time. What's weird is that I am also trying to figure out how to have a friendship with a guy that I'd be dating if he were still here. Right now I figure that maybe I was just put into his life because he was going to need someone that was good to him and encouraging while he was going through all this stuff. We'll be friends for awhile then because of distance and our different lives, we'll just be like. . .facebook friends or something. That is, if he gets back on facebook, which I doubt. Anyway. It basically stinks knowing there is someone that thinks you are absolutely wonderful but is 1000+ miles away. Oh and has so much crap going on that really a relationship would be impossible anyway.
Past the relationships, there's the job/career/life passion thing. I am not satisfied with my jobs. I am not where I thought I'd be at 28 when it comes to my career. I mean, I still don't have one and it's frustrating. I figured I'd at least have a career if not a relationship or vice versa. And now it looks like I'm on the "I'm focused on my career right now" track. I pretty much figure the relationship thing won't happen until after I'm completely done with school and settled into a career, if it happens at all. Is that horrible? No. Is it how I want it? No. I already feel like I'm pursuing my 2nd choice career, which is fine, I am excited about someday being a PA. I hate that I have to wait even longer and have no idea how I'm going to continue to work 60 hours a week.
I know all this probably just sounds like small, stupid, shallow complaints, but I really do wonder how long I can go on being so unhappy with everything in my life. Do I really just have to live with it? Do I just continue to be patient and wait for the day when things aren't so bad? Can I will myself to be happy? Is it just all about positive thinking? Or do is there some kind of action involved? Then I also think about how really...I have NOTHING to complain about. I have nothing to worry about. I have nothing to really actually be unhappy about. Because even though it's not all I want right now. . .it's not bad. I know this.
Then there's the God aspect of all this. Even with being unsatisfied. . .I am still holding on to the idea that somehow God is working. I'm still praying that God will lead me to where he wants me. That he will continue making me into the person he wants me to be. I still trust that His hand is in my life. So does that mean I do just have to be patient and just wait? What do I do in the meantime really?
Who knows. I do know that even with this time of being unhappy, there are still good things. I will make it. I will do what I need to do to get what I want. And someday I will learn to hold on tight to the hope, wonder, and beauty that I know is all around me even when things aren't going well. I hope so, at least.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Rejection
Well, I got my rejection letter for the physician's assistant program. I was not surprised...still disappointed but not surprised. I knew after the interview that I didn't do well. I knew it.
So now I get to go through another year and a half of working 60 hours a week at two jobs that I don't like. I don't know if I can really do that. I may try to take a med aide class in the summer; I really don't think I can handle being a CNA any longer than I have to.
It looks like M will probably get out soon. His father got him an excellent lawyer and a few people here wrote letters to the judge about him. I've heard from him several times. He's doing fairly well.
I have to admit...the only thing I can think of is Arizona. And really hoping he gets out. That way we'll actually be able to talk to each other. There is a PA program at a school near Phoenix. I've already looked at it. How crazy am I? I mean. . .you'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time I liked a guy in another state. What's wrong with me? I'm crazy. I know.
Ok I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to stay here in good old Wichita until I rot. Ok, no, but longer than I want. I am so tired of it here. I continue to feel stuck here. This is not supposed to be home! This is not supposed to be where I'm supposed to be, damn it!
I'll be fine, I know I will be. I will apply to PA programs for next year and hopefully get into one. Mateo and I will be friends and if it's supposed to be anything more, then somehow it'll work out. Most likely it won't be anything more but I know it'll be good to be friends. He needs good friends.
So now I get to go through another year and a half of working 60 hours a week at two jobs that I don't like. I don't know if I can really do that. I may try to take a med aide class in the summer; I really don't think I can handle being a CNA any longer than I have to.
It looks like M will probably get out soon. His father got him an excellent lawyer and a few people here wrote letters to the judge about him. I've heard from him several times. He's doing fairly well.
I have to admit...the only thing I can think of is Arizona. And really hoping he gets out. That way we'll actually be able to talk to each other. There is a PA program at a school near Phoenix. I've already looked at it. How crazy am I? I mean. . .you'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time I liked a guy in another state. What's wrong with me? I'm crazy. I know.
Ok I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to stay here in good old Wichita until I rot. Ok, no, but longer than I want. I am so tired of it here. I continue to feel stuck here. This is not supposed to be home! This is not supposed to be where I'm supposed to be, damn it!
I'll be fine, I know I will be. I will apply to PA programs for next year and hopefully get into one. Mateo and I will be friends and if it's supposed to be anything more, then somehow it'll work out. Most likely it won't be anything more but I know it'll be good to be friends. He needs good friends.
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