Surprise, surprise I'm having a hard time lately.

I am so sick of my life right now. I am bored half the time. When I get the chance to do something I enjoy, it seems to get shot down. Like last week when I worked in the garden, we ended up having a major thunder/hail storm which didn't ruin everything in the garden but ruined enough. I was just so upset. I know it shouldn't matter so much but it made me want to scream.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. A chubby, unattractive short Jewish guy (ok he's my height but to me that's short). He's nice but I'm not interested in him at all and not even really interested in trying to be friends with him.

Again as usual, nothing bad has happened. Sure the last year was crazy busy and I've had to recover from that. Really the whole getting used by the stupid ex-convict (who is now back together and living with his old girlfriend that he was sure he'd never get back together with) was the straw that broke my back this year. There seems to be something about being able to handle a bad part of your life if there is something else good to help balance it out. Right now there is no balance. While work is fine and part of me feels like that I was really meant to be available to help this lady out, I still have to work every other weekend at the nursing home and I still hate it even though I'm not there often. Feeling lonely is more common. I don't have many friends I can just call up and hang out with. I don't have any around here to do things I wish I could do. I still want to find someone to play tennis with. I hate staying in night after night. I hate knowing that I actually have all this free time and I'm not doing anything with it!! God-willing in a year I'll be back in school and won't have the time to do things.

There are people that are passionate about things. Whether it's their career or a cause, people have things they are passionate about. Passionate enough to take action. What am I doing? I'm not really all that passionate about anything. I don't necessarily feel like I'm working towards anything. I'm just waiting. I'm stuck between the life I have and the life I want.

The only thing that has made me happy recently besides seeing Rent is buying Stuart Weitzman shoes for $70 (original price $270) and a gorgeous Diane von Furstenberg skirt that was onsale and I'd be eyeing for months. I also had fun in Williams-Sonoma the other day.

I am just so unhappy and I have no idea what to do to change it. It's a horrible feeling.

Of course, there is always this crazy God factor in my life. I'm feeling more and more indifferent to it all. Is God really out for my good? How much control does He really have? Why does it seem so hard for me to actually have faith? Why has it been so up and down? It's just so annoying really. It is annoying that as soon as I seem to feel more comfortable with my life, who I am, and my relationship with God, of course, something happens. I'm tired of the fact that even when things aren't going well, I still don't have a "God is in control" attitude. I'm still just so angry sometimes that my life is not what I wish it was. I always had all these damned hopes and dreams (yes probably too many and too big hopes and dreams) and no way to reach them and make it happen. I HATE that. Faith doesn't bring much comfort or hope.

Yes I'll still apply to PA school and still hope and dream of the day I can get the hell out of Wichita. I'll keep hoping I can get to travel someday and maybe even keep hoping I'll have someone to travel with.

I am just ready to not hate my life.