Christmas fun

I don't know where to begin. . .

I had a great Christmas. And with the exception of the "I don't want to go back there" mood I was in yesterday, it was a perfect trip.

After I got to my parent's house on Saturday mom and I got to cooking. I made an apple pie. Ok well, I mixed cinnamon and sugar with the apples that my wonderful daddy peeled and sliced for me, put them into the pie pan with the store-bought pie crust (which is really really good), then popped it into the oven. It was absolutely wonderful.
Then I made my chocolate-nutella truffles. It was so much fun! I felt like a kid playing in mud. I got to dig my hands into chocolate, roll it in balls then dunk them into melted chocolate and coat them in crushed hazelnuts. It was so much fun. And more importantly they tasted really good. I also have my dad to thank for cracking the hazelnuts. He's so helpful doing the things nobody likes to do too much. And plus he can do it while sitting in his chair watching TV ;-)
Mom made some things too (including her baklava) and we listened to Christmas music all afternoon.

Saturday night after enjoying a meal of chicken enchiladas (made by yours truly), we all went to see The Pursuit of Happyness. It was excellent. It's an amazing story. My favorite part is when Will Smith's character is at a church during worship and his son is sitting next to him. In the midst of the singing and people lifting their hands, he sits down, picks up his son, and holds him tight. What a picture. I love when Jesus shows up in the movies.

We went to my sister's on Sunday to open up presents then opened more presents later that night after Aaron got off work. I got some fun stuff, including much wanted Cardinals World Series loot. OH! And more to say about my wonderful dad. He got me a DVD with two Cary Grant movies including Charade which I've been wanting for a real long time! I kept wanting him to tape it for me off TV when it was on but he found it on DVD for me. In case you don't know what the movie is, it's the movie that Vivian is watching at one point in Pretty Woman. "did you say marriage license? Oh I love you, Peter, Alex, whatever your name is." Along with Cary Grant, it has Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matheau, and James Colburn.

My neice and nephew are so cute. Morgan loved her CD and Jackson was a goofball when he opened his present. I got him his thing called Illustory. You write and illustrate and story then mail it in and the company makes a hard-bound book for you. Morgan got one from her cousin when we went to Mississippi and you could tell Jackson wanted one too. Well when he opened it, Morgan said "Jackson you got what you wanted!" and then Jackson said, "I didn't really want it, but I still like it." Ha! That boy kept looking at it and talking about it all the way back from Mississippi. I bet he'll do a good job, especially with his illustrations.

There was a candlelight/communion service at Dad's church Sunday night. Mom got a special treat: I sang per her request. She loved it, but of course, I thought I did horrible. I haven't sung in awhile and it was a song that I didn't know all that well and I didn't have much practice. Oh well, I was happy to do it for her. It made me think of how much I miss singing and wish I could do it more often. I don't really have the chance nowadays.

And of course Christmas day itself was great. As usual we went to my grandparents and had a great dinner. Then came time to open presents. It's so funny; we all cram into my grandparents' living room which isn't all that big. I think there were about 20 of us all together. The most fun is after opening presents. We have a wrapping paper fight. I don't really remember how it got started, I think it was when my cousin's kids were little, but every year now we throw wrapping paper at each other. It's the highlight of the day. This year, it seemed to be my uncle's mission (along with my cousin's little boy and a couple of the other kids) to hit me with every piece of wrapping paper he came across. I think the best part is watching my 80-year-old grandpa sitting back in his easy chair with his feet up, collecting wads of wrapping paper with a sly look on his face, then hitting someone square in the head! It's hilarious!

It was a wonderful weekend, although way too short. It was really hard for me to come back. And unfortunately it put me in a sour mood all day. I could barely make it through lunch at steak-n-shake without crying. But I got back ok, work was ok, and I am all unpacked and gettng my apartment cleaned up.

I had an amazing time. I love Christmas. I'm so thankful I got to be with my family.

more blah

In an episode of Sex & the City, Charlotte comments that it should only take half the amount of time you date someone to get over them. So, given her line of reasoning I should've been over Dave by now.
I'm not.
Good thing I don't take what's said on Sex & the City to mean anything.

For the most part I have been doing pretty good. It's getting easier to not think of him (or at least think of him and be completely sad). Yesterday, however, was more difficult. There were tissues involved. I still miss him. Sometimes I wonder if I really just miss having someone to talk to and maybe that's it to a certain extent but I really do miss him.

I know I shouldn't put a time limit on getting over all this but I hope it doesn't take long.

I do have something I'm thankful for about living in Kansas; if I was still in Denver I'd be possibly unable to get to IL for Christmas because of the huge snowstorm today. None of the bad weather came this far east so it looks like I'll have pretty good weather for driving, I hope.

I found a recipe for chocolate and nutella truffles covered with hazelnuts...mom and I are going to try to make some on Saturday. They sound so yummy!!!! I can't wait!

Randomness

It's no secret that there have been many times when I haven't handled all this break-up/stuck in Kansas business very well. And it's no secret that I haven't exactly been the nicest when it comes to my treatment of Dave. And because of something that happened a few days ago, that I won't go into, I've realized I have continued, without really meaning to, I think, to be unfair towards him. Even though all this has been harder on me than him, I know he didn't like what happened anymore than I did. I can go on forever about what all went wrong but it can't change anything. I am still hurt and sad. . .and I think more angry at myself than anything. I hate that I've lost someone again that always meant so much to me.
I know my situation isn't anything compared to others. . .hell, not even as bad as Dave's but I have been better at letting myself be sad but at the same time gain some perspective. There's a girl whose blog I read that is my age and lost her husband to cancer. Talk about putting things into perspective and making you realize life is a piece of cake.

Today I had a very "I can't believe I live in Kansas" day. Although over the last few weeks I've been feeling better I still feel so stuck here. Super-easy or not this job of mine is already getting old. It's amazing how you can point right at a building not even 50 yards away and people still don't know where you're telling them to go. oh well.
Also just my financial situation is frustrating. After I graduated I had it all planned out, I'd work for a few years until I got my credit cards paid off and then go to grad school. I had a good enough paying job, a fairly inexpensive place to live, I didn't have to worry about anything. Now though, I am lucky if I actually have the money to pay all my bills, which again gets me thinking about how if only I wasn't so stupid and irresponsible I wouldn't be in a situation where only getting paid $10 an hour isn't good enough. And it's all my fault. Trying not to worry, trying not to worry. . . .

I want to be able to just be here and stick it out, do the whole trusting God thing and I guess learn something from all this. But I feel so stuck and feel like I'm wasting time and getting nowhere.

But at the same time, I feel like somehow, someway staying here will mean that I will prove that I can make it. And something good will come out of all this. I still think that if I moved to IL I wouldn't have been much happier. And I would've felt like I just ran home crying with my tail between my legs. Who knows. I definitely feel like staying here was the right decision even though I seem to question it quite a bit. I guess it's just because I want something to be stable and certain and not much is right now. Except for the fact I will be here until June.

Christmas is almost here...I'm so excited. I just had another viewing of White Christmas and may have to watch While You Were Sleeping tomorrow night. I'm all ready for the holiday except Aaron's scarf is still not finished and I have no idea what to get my brother-in-law. I'll think of something I suppose. I'll get to spend most of Saturday at my parents'. I think I will have to see about making some apple pie or some fudge or something. Last year I made a really good cake. Hmmmm oh my goodness what about fudge with ferrero rocher crumbled on top? OH MY GOSH that sounds good! Or truffles. . .hmmm! OOO I"m getting excited!!!

And I also decided that someday I want to make hot buttered rum. I've always wanted to because of watching White Christmas.

Here's to. . . .

1) Here's to the reason I like football. ;-)

Tom Brady is available!!! (that would be the very very good-looking quarterback of the New England Patriots)

2) Here's to not feeling bad about using a dishwasher for the small amount of dishes one person uses.

This last week I ran out of dishwasher soap so I told myself I would just stick to doing dishes by hand. It worked! I kept up with washing them. However, today I got paid and decided if I have a dishwasher, then I should just go ahead and take advantage of it. So I went to buy soap today. :-D

3) Here's to knitting really really fast for the next week or so.

I need to knit. My brother asked me to knit him a scarf for Christmas so I am. He wants it about 6 feet long. I have about a foot finished.

4) Here's to Christmas being only 10 days away!

I'm excited about Christmas. I can't wait.

Cynism rears its ugly (?) head

I think I spelled cynism right.
One of the things that has happened as a result of this whole relationship breakup thing is my doubt about the point of male/female relationships, marriage, and all that is involved in it. I realize that I really have no idea what marriage is. I don't know what the point of it is. It was always this normal thing that surrounded me and in the past few years many of my friends have taken part in the whole marriage thing...I always thought I wanted to take part in it someday myself. But now. . .I'm not so sure. I keep wondering, really, what's the point?

Years and years ago, women didn't have much without getting married. There weren't many job opportunities. They'd be more likely to have to live with parents or other family members, with not much of anything of their own. It was expected a woman get married so they had a man to take care of them and provide for them.
Now, however, a woman doesn't need a man to take care of them and provide for them. They can do it on their own. Job opportunities are endless and women can live fine on their own. The majority of women have established careers before they even think of getting married, if they do at all. Nowadays a single woman isn't necessarily looked at as a bad thing. They get married because they want to not because they have to.

Back in January and February I was getting more and more ok with my single status. I hadn't had a guy interested in me in a long time and I was fine with it. Even now, the lonliness I feel isn't because I don't have a boyfriend, it's just because I don't have any friends around here and still feel a little unsettled here. I know for a fact that if I remain single for the next 5, 10, 20 years or for the rest of my life I will be fine. I will eventually go back to school, have a career, someday buy my own house, and all that other adult stuff (it better include a kick-ass car) and be absolutely fine. I can lead a completely full and meaningful life without being married. I knew all this before the relationship but still I could say that marriage was something I wanted someday. I wanted a husband that would be a partner and raise a family. I felt it was a meaningful and good thing.

But now. . .I'm not so sure. I have realized that I don't really know what the point of marriage is. The only benefit I can think of is, well, the sex part. But, really, one can live without having sex. Nuns and monks do it all the time. It won't be the end of the world if I never have sex. Apparently I'm no good at the relationship thing and really I don't think I want the possibility of being hurt like this again. I'm really really tired of it. It's too much. I'm not one of those women who can just walk away and just be ok after falling in love. But I wonder if any of those women really can just be OK. Anyway, I keep thinking of all the things I want to do and places I want to go and getting married (especially to a guy who doesn't make a lot of money and has four kids) would mean not getting to do that stuff. I don't see the benefit of marriage at all.

Really what's the point? I don't know anymore. I don't know why I would chose to have another person in my life that could end up hurting me so deeply over being single and sticking with being close to friends and family. Yes, I would love to have kids but I don't want to have kids unless I think I could raise them properly. And maybe I just can't. And hell nowadays I don't even need a husband to raise a kid. However, I still think it's better to have a mother and a father....although if a kid doesn't have either, just a mother or just a father is better than nothing.

All this thinking is making me wonder if I'm thinking like this because I've been hurt. . . Or is this because I am going to remain single and need to get used to that fact? What if I am destined to find a husband but this has turned me into being enough of a cynic that I won't ever give another guy a chance? But I really really can't handle the thought of being hurt like this again. I can't stand the thought of some guy coming along, making me think he loves me, then just drops me like wet rag. I can't stand the thought of it. The thought of getting hurt again is worse than the thought of never having sex.

That's cynism for you.

My specialty

I have a wonderful specialty. Something that I'm so good at and will probably always be very good at. Wanna know what it is? Ok, here it is, my specialty: WORRYING!!!!
I am so good at worrying, freaking out, getting totally down on myself, and making myself feeling like a failure and of no use at all.
And then something happens. In this case, this week, it was in the form of a job. I was freaking out and getting all worried because I didn't have a job. I worked 3 days last week. Friday I started a new job through the temp agency. I already hate it. I hope it only lasts a couple of weeks. I stand up all day and tell people where to go to get equipment and make payments. It's at a cable company. The only good thing about the job is that maybe they'll decide they like me and offer me a full time job which means getting free cable and internet. How cool would that be? (answer: very cool) However it would be a job that probably involves working with the general public (customer service, etc) and I don't think I'd be very good at that. The general public annoys me too much. Val told me I need to get a job in research. I am inclined to agree with her.
But even though it's not that great, I'm thankful I have it. I think it'll help me to make contacts and get my name out to some places which will hopefully lead to something more permanent. Even though more permanent would mean staying in Kansas which I would definitely have mixed feelings about. I'm getting to the point where I'm a little freaked about possibly not being able to move for awhile. Maybe that's only because it seems like June is years and years away.

So the freaking out and worrying was for nothing. Yet another lesson in the journey of realizing maybe, just maybe God really is looking after me. And not only that, maybe really actually wants something good for me. Maybe. ;-)

I admit, I am still lonely. Not, boyless lonely, just lonely. I'm going to make it a point to maybe introduce myself to a pastor or two at church on Sunday. There's a dessert brunch before the Christmas concert next week, so maybe I'll meet some people there. And after the new year, I want to get involved in Sunday school (maybe) and a Bible study (definitely). I think it'll be good to be involved even if I'm not here very long.

So things are going pretty good. I don't feel badly about sitting around not doing anything now since I'm working. I'm pretty much completely broke but that will change in a few weeks. I'll make it.

That's all for now.

blah blah blah

I've noticed that I'm not too into writing on this lately. It just feels like I write the same stuff over and over. I'm up, I'm down, I'm happy, I'm sad, I hate stupid boy, I love stupid boy...yada yada yada. All the same stuff over and over.
The same is true with my trying to reestablish the habit of journaling. I gave myself too much of a break over Thanksgiving and it's been hard to get back to it. Yesterday I wrote about how I did not have the motivation to write. I figure there's gotta be something to writing about not wanting to write.

I'm happy Christmas is coming. I only have a few more presents to buy. I have basically completed all my Christmas shopping online. It's nice. Stores are too crowded. It sometimes ruins my Christmas cheer. I wish I had more Christmas decorations. I put some more lights up and I have a buttercream vanilla candle that is absolute heaven.

I have re-started watching my Gilmore Girls DVDs. I really miss having TV. Although I get really tired of sitting and watching TV. I start getting stir-crazy. Then I think of how I'm supposed to be knitting but I only seem to get a few little rows done then get tired of it.

I'm tired of missing stupid guy. It's getting old. I'm tired of wasting my emotions, thoughts, and tears on him. He's not worth it. I've been doing pretty good but every once in awhile it all comes back. I need to remember to tell myself "it's his loss" rather than "why didn't he want me?" It's hard sometimes but I'm getting better at it.

Ok back to gilmore girls