J just told me that his grandma is in the hospital with pnuemonia. Wanted to share in case anyone wants to send up a little prayer.
I get nervous when I hear older people get pnuemonia. . .but hopefully she'll be able to get over it even if it takes awhile.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Birthday Date Pictures
Ok this one is a silly one but its still one of my favorites. And as you can see, I have bangs now! I feel all cute and trendy.
Ok this is pretty much my favorite one.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately. Things have just continued to be so up and down around here that I don't even know where to begin.
My birthday was last week. It was really great. It was on the 8th. On the 7th, J came up and surprised me with a cake at Bible study. On the 8th, I went to a friend's house to have dinner. I got all these fun little kitchen gadgets, including a lemon zester. Then on that Friday, J took me to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and we went to a friend's house to have a couple pictures of us taken. Then we headed to wal-mart to get them printed out. He gave me a pretty silver cross necklace, a frame, and some Starbucks coffee. It was a really wonderful night! We dressed up and everything. He told me later that what he really wanted to do was buy us plane tickets to fly to IL to see my family. He is so good at stuff like that.
Unfortunately though, things have still been a little difficult. Mainly it has to do with Saturdays. . .it used to be that I could count on going down to his place to see him. I purposely kept my day free so I could. Lately though, instead of it being a day he gets to see me, it has become a day that he gets everything done that he needs to get done. And most of the time I feel like I'm in the way of that. It's been very frustrating especially because I don't feel like I'm saying I want some super special day all the time; I just want him to say "I want to see you." Even if we end up just hanging out at his apartment, I like being there with him.
This weekend was, I guess mainly a misunderstanding. He asked if I wanted to go with him to the HS basketball game on Friday but I had already said I'd help some people move and unpack. He made it sound like he had plans on Saturday so when I asked what they were, he said he needed to clean his office and was going to watch basketball. I was so upset about that. Maybe I didn't have any right to be, but I couldn't understand why there wasn't some way we could hang out anyway; he knows I enjoy watching sports. Later, after a day of very short, angry-toned text messages, we talked. He said he had made plans with someone to actually go watch a basketball tournament. Then I was just mad that he didn't tell me that.
More often than not I feel like he doesn't care whether or not he sees me and I'm irritated that we're only an hour away from each other and I can't even count on seeing him. He doesn't include me in his plans. He makes his plans first, then if I fit into them, then ok, if not, he won't adjust his plans at all even when it would be possible. He makes it seem like he needs time to be able to spend with his friends, which is totally understandable but lately that's all that happens. It's like he would rather be around anyone but me. He says this isn't true but his actions are saying otherwise. I feel like that we really have to make it a point to see each other and it shouldn't be that difficult; we're only an hour away from each other. Sure not as easy as if we were in the same town, but easier than being 3, 4, 5+ hours away.
We're still both trying. He told me that he cares about me more than he has anyone and thinks we have real potential as a long-term couple. And I agree with him, but we both know in order for that to happen, we have to keep working through all this stuff. It is hard. I didn't know it would be this hard. But something inside of me says it's worth it.
I hope it is.
My birthday was last week. It was really great. It was on the 8th. On the 7th, J came up and surprised me with a cake at Bible study. On the 8th, I went to a friend's house to have dinner. I got all these fun little kitchen gadgets, including a lemon zester. Then on that Friday, J took me to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and we went to a friend's house to have a couple pictures of us taken. Then we headed to wal-mart to get them printed out. He gave me a pretty silver cross necklace, a frame, and some Starbucks coffee. It was a really wonderful night! We dressed up and everything. He told me later that what he really wanted to do was buy us plane tickets to fly to IL to see my family. He is so good at stuff like that.
Unfortunately though, things have still been a little difficult. Mainly it has to do with Saturdays. . .it used to be that I could count on going down to his place to see him. I purposely kept my day free so I could. Lately though, instead of it being a day he gets to see me, it has become a day that he gets everything done that he needs to get done. And most of the time I feel like I'm in the way of that. It's been very frustrating especially because I don't feel like I'm saying I want some super special day all the time; I just want him to say "I want to see you." Even if we end up just hanging out at his apartment, I like being there with him.
This weekend was, I guess mainly a misunderstanding. He asked if I wanted to go with him to the HS basketball game on Friday but I had already said I'd help some people move and unpack. He made it sound like he had plans on Saturday so when I asked what they were, he said he needed to clean his office and was going to watch basketball. I was so upset about that. Maybe I didn't have any right to be, but I couldn't understand why there wasn't some way we could hang out anyway; he knows I enjoy watching sports. Later, after a day of very short, angry-toned text messages, we talked. He said he had made plans with someone to actually go watch a basketball tournament. Then I was just mad that he didn't tell me that.
More often than not I feel like he doesn't care whether or not he sees me and I'm irritated that we're only an hour away from each other and I can't even count on seeing him. He doesn't include me in his plans. He makes his plans first, then if I fit into them, then ok, if not, he won't adjust his plans at all even when it would be possible. He makes it seem like he needs time to be able to spend with his friends, which is totally understandable but lately that's all that happens. It's like he would rather be around anyone but me. He says this isn't true but his actions are saying otherwise. I feel like that we really have to make it a point to see each other and it shouldn't be that difficult; we're only an hour away from each other. Sure not as easy as if we were in the same town, but easier than being 3, 4, 5+ hours away.
We're still both trying. He told me that he cares about me more than he has anyone and thinks we have real potential as a long-term couple. And I agree with him, but we both know in order for that to happen, we have to keep working through all this stuff. It is hard. I didn't know it would be this hard. But something inside of me says it's worth it.
I hope it is.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Politics & such
I come from a fairly conservative Republican family. My dad is very outspoken about his Republican beliefs. My sister and her husband think George W. Bush is the most wonderful President ever.
As I watch continuing coverage of the primaries, I have come to a not very surprising conclusion: I think I just might be a Democrat.
GASP!
I still think I'm more middle of the road on a lot of things but . . . over the years, I've started leaning more and more towards the left.
I guess we'll see.
So. . .my birthday was this week. It was a very good birthday. I went over to a friend's house for dinner and J surprised me with a cake on Monday at Bible study. Tomorrow night he's taking me to dinner. It was a great day.
Things have been a little weird lately. I am still having trouble trusting Jason. And most of it has to do with little things like wondering if he really does want to talk to me or be around me. I'm trusting him more with big things like telling him my struggles with faith and depression. But I still manage to freak out about little things. So I am faced with the task of really changing how I think; he has never done anything to make me believe I can't trust him. I still have times when I am scared, though, that he will end up being like everyone else. I have to let go of that and stop being afraid.
I'm trying. God and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I know I can't do this on my own. My church's pastor is doing a sermon series on the twelve steps. And I'm working right along with it when it comes to letting go of my fear. I'm continuing on my journey.
As I watch continuing coverage of the primaries, I have come to a not very surprising conclusion: I think I just might be a Democrat.
GASP!
I still think I'm more middle of the road on a lot of things but . . . over the years, I've started leaning more and more towards the left.
I guess we'll see.
So. . .my birthday was this week. It was a very good birthday. I went over to a friend's house for dinner and J surprised me with a cake on Monday at Bible study. Tomorrow night he's taking me to dinner. It was a great day.
Things have been a little weird lately. I am still having trouble trusting Jason. And most of it has to do with little things like wondering if he really does want to talk to me or be around me. I'm trusting him more with big things like telling him my struggles with faith and depression. But I still manage to freak out about little things. So I am faced with the task of really changing how I think; he has never done anything to make me believe I can't trust him. I still have times when I am scared, though, that he will end up being like everyone else. I have to let go of that and stop being afraid.
I'm trying. God and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I know I can't do this on my own. My church's pastor is doing a sermon series on the twelve steps. And I'm working right along with it when it comes to letting go of my fear. I'm continuing on my journey.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy New Year
I know people usually get all contemplative about a New Year, hoping maybe there are things they will change about themselves (diet, exercise, job, attitude, etc), or reflecting on the year before hoping that the new one will be different.
I started thinking yesterday that my journey will continue...ok yes I know that sounds obvious but there is something inside of me that is thinking of how this journey of my life that I'm on will continue. And it will not be easy. I still wonder if I'm so screwed up that I will never recover but somehow I'm hopeful that maybe I will.
And maybe I'm supposed to actually let people help me. Something is changing. I am changing. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Here's to a new year. Whatever it may hold.
I started thinking yesterday that my journey will continue...ok yes I know that sounds obvious but there is something inside of me that is thinking of how this journey of my life that I'm on will continue. And it will not be easy. I still wonder if I'm so screwed up that I will never recover but somehow I'm hopeful that maybe I will.
And maybe I'm supposed to actually let people help me. Something is changing. I am changing. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Here's to a new year. Whatever it may hold.
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