Still here

For Lent I had decided that instead of giving up something, I wanted to take up something. I wanted to take time out each day to pray, read my Bible, and write. Or do at least one or a combination of a few of those things. It hasn't worked. I couldn't even get through a week. I haven't been able to write in my journal or even here. And that is amazing to me especially because for awhile I was writing every day.
Sometimes it feels as though my brain has stopped working. Except with all the thoughts that are constantly running through my head it's obvious that really it hasn't stopped working but something is just. . .different. I don't think it's the medicine because I felt the same way before I started taking it.
Last night at Bible study we talked about God's self-sacrifice. In our study materials it shows a painting of Christ on the cross and a sculpture of Mary holding him after he's died (It's called Pieta by Michaelangelo). We were supposed to meditate on each one for ten minutes or so and write down our thoughts. My thoughts? I kept thinking, "I can't. It's too hard." I thought about this and realized that I haven't let myself think about the sacrifice of Christ dying on a cross. I'm not sure when the last time it was that I really thought about it, what it meant, what significance it has in my life. It's hard. It's painful. I don't want to think about it because if I do, then I will realize how unworthy I am of such a sacrifice. I feel like my life is not a reflection of God's love as shown by his willingness to sacrifice his Son. It's a difficult thing to wrap my head around right now.
I've been feeling a lot better lately. Of course, pills won't make everything better so there are still some rough days. Right now my biggest struggle is trying to figure out what path to take after this job ends. I am still struggling with the decision of grad school because I wonder if I should with my money situation the way it is. I have so far gone almost 3 months with no credit card usage (Yay!!) but I still haven't gone to get a part-time job to help actually pay down the balances. So in that way, I still feel stuck. I don't know why I haven't been able to make myself go look for a job, I don't know why I haven't been able to even sit down and really start taking the steps to even start school. . .that's what is really frustrating me right now. I have been struggling about what to actually do, as well. I still really like the idea of teaching at a university (although I can't help but think that options for that around here, while not completely absent, are a bit limited) but every once in awhile something else starts popping up in my head that I wonder about. The thought of it scares the shit out of me, though. Sometimes I have thought of the "safe" types of careers, like getting my education degree and just teaching HS biology. But then I remember that I am not good at handling high schoolers and figure I wouldn't exactly be happy doing that. I know I'd feel like I was just settling.
Right now I still think I want to head to grad school to get my master's and Ph.D...I am just not sure exactly when to try and start. The biggest thing in my way is, of course, finances. I'd still have to be making enough money to pay all my bills and credit cards and I'm not sure how to do that and take classes at the same time. I would try to get a teaching assistantship, which would mean either reduced tuition or a small stipend but that definitely wouldn't be enough to cover everything.
So here I am trying really not to worry about it but also trying to start taking the steps I need to in order to make things happen. God help me.