I know that it doesn't make any sense that I can't stop thinking about someone that I only had talked to for a few weeks.

But I also couldn't stop thinking about him since April. The first time we met. . .I could tell there was something about him. The other times he came to church, he always made sure he came up to talk to me. And he looked so excited to see me. I knew he was. There was one time that I was singing in the praise team and he looked at me during communion and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

I don't know why after not seeing him for so long, I ended up talking to him. He was nervous to see me. I was too. But being around him and talking to him felt as comfortable and natural as talking to someone I'd known for years.

And now. . .he's gone. I can look up online to see that he's on a list of inmates. I know he had to go. . .it was for the best. He couldn't keep denying he wasn't supposed to be here. He was never going to be able to have a normal life with it hanging over his head.

And now someone who I probably would've just remembered as the guy I met at church once or twice is in my head. I have a special notebook to write letters along with pre-stamped envelopes (no adhesives allowed). I have his computer tower (sadly not in one piece so I can't get music off of it) in my room to someday ship or take to him. And now. . .I'll look at the mailbox everyday hoping I get a letter.

Kinda weird huh? The first time he talked he said something about how you can just have a feeling that something or meeting someone is going to be life-changing. Seriously? Geez, meet me and then go back to the one place you never wanted to go back to. Life-changing indeed.

Good things:

• PA program interview on January 16!!!!
• I ACED my classes this semester!!! (yes only two, but I was also working 60 hours a week)
  
• I finally got the 7th season of Gilmore Girls on DVD thanks to my wonderful roommate
• The weather was clear and great on my trip back from IL
  
• I got to spend a good amount of time with my family

Not-so-good things:

• I miss someone more than anyone should after only a few weeks. I already have a letter ready to mail. And will probably start a new one as soon as I mail the first.
  

Outside the wind is howling, the sky is grey, and I'm sure it's really cold.

I feel that way right now. I have a feeling I will for just a little while.

I found out why that guy hadn't called me. He basically went into hermit-mode and hadn't talked to anyone.

First it requires some background information. I don't really want to go into it too much...this is just the open internet but he's had a lot of crap happen including drugs and jail. Technically he wasn't supposed to be here and he is going back to turn himself in. He's been clean for about a year and a half, is a Christian, and is really dedicated to turning his life around. He was doing pretty good too, he had a good job with lots of possibilities...I hate that he's having to throw that all away. And unfortunately to the "justice" system he's a dangerous, horrible criminal with no hope.

This sucks. This is someone that there was an instantaneous click when we first met. I'm not joking, immediately I knew there was something about him. He did too. It took us so long to connect (just re-met him right before Thanksgiving) and now he's leaving. I'll probably never see him again. I'm going to spend the next 2 years worrying about him. And at the same time go on living my life and try to get on with it.

This week had already been difficult because I was upset that I hadn't heard from him. I told him it was really hard not to send a really bitchy message..he said "Oh I was waiting for it, I figured I'd get one." Now I'm going to continue being upset. What really sucks is that I have a final to study for, work to go to, and I can't spend a whole lot of time with him before he goes.

His birthday is coming up...and Christmas...he's never really celebrated Christmas before. He's never had a tree or anything. Now he still won't. I can't believe all this. . .it's just so surreal and unbelievable.

This sucks.

Honest Meme (I'm so good at Procrastinating)

So Val tagged me to do this meme that makes me list 10 honest things about myself. . .

Fun huh? Well I figure this is a great procrastination technique so here goes!!!

1) There are two things I do to relieve stress: dance (and I'm not talking ballet or the waltz, I'm talking sexy club dancing. I usually turn on something from a Broadway musical or 80s rock music and go totally crazy) and relax with a sappy movie and a glass of wine. Favorite? something along the lines of Pride and Prejudice and pinot grigio or cabernet savignon

2) I still think that I was actually meant to be a singer or an actress but never had the opportunities to pursue it. I've made my peace with this and enjoy that I'm doing something that uses my intellect and will help people. And I will always have a job no matter what the economy ;-) But I still dream of being Sarah Brown in Guys & Dolls.

3) If I had $2000 to spend on anything I wanted whether I needed it or not, I would go out and buy black Christian Louboutin heels and a designer handbag: either Gucci, Prada, or Louis Vuiton. I know I'm crazy.

4) Every once in awhile, I figure I should write down all my crazy thoughts and stories I come up with in my head and put it all together to make a book.

5) I started this earlier today but didn't get to finish. Now I am at home after working a shift at the nursing home. In the words of Val: I feel like hammered dog poo. Except I'm going to say what Val's mom would say: I feel like hammered dog shit. It was horrible, I got into a bit of a fight with a bitchy LPN which ended with her demanding I take a break. Then I did something I haven't done in a long time. I smoked. And guess who I got the cigarette from? That's right, the bitchy LPN! BLAH! My poor mother heard all about it in crying, yelling form tonight (except the smoking part) and I actually managed to not cuss horribly even though I really wanted to. Oh but one of the guys at work got an earful....

6) you know that guy I talked about meeting at church? Well I hadn't seen him in months but recently met up with him again. We hung out last week, had a great time, oh but now I haven't heard from him in 4 days. I have even stopped by his house. I feel incredibly stupid. Except I am also worried about him b/c he's a drug addict who has only been clean for a year. Yes I know I am crazy. Unfortunately I have a soft spot in my heart for people with problems. It's getting harder and harder though; soon I'll be cold as a stone.

7) It probably isn't a good idea for me to be doing this right now. I'm pissed. So everything is going to come out negative. Or incredibly silly because pretty soon the rum that is in my coke may just kick in.

8) I really still hope that someday I will find a husband...even though, I'm doing a pretty good job of convincing myself that I don't.

9) I have a pretty, classy, fancy Christmas tree. It really is pretty. It's gold, burgundy, and cream and one of the ornaments says "HOPE." I bought it last year and after Christmas just went ahead and hung it up on my wall. It's a good reminder. I want to continue to hold on to hope. . .somehow.

10) ok gotta admit the rum didn't kick in as much as I would have liked. . .but oh well. I do have to go to work tomorrow. Although I did go ahead and call my office to leave a message that I had a rough night and probably wouldn't actually get there at 8. I would do anything to just do absolutely nothing tomorrow. Except oh yeah I have a freakin test to study for.

ok there are 10 super honest things about me.

I'm supposed to tag 7 people. . .guess what? I don't know 7 people to tag except for one that's already done it! I'm pathetic.

So, I will tag the only ones I know to tag: Jamillah, Sarah, Tracie, and Jenn.