Saved draft number 1

Number 1 of 4 posts that I've wrote in the last month but never posted:

The transmission went out in my truck. It would cost more to fix it than the truck is worth.

So at the age of 28, my dad is going to find me a car and buy it for me because I in no way can afford to buy one myself at this point. I feel horrible about it. The only maybe good thing is eventually I will be able to pay for it or at least pay them back and once I can afford my own car, I can give it back to my parents.

I have been sitting here all morning doing nothing. I'm totally bored but completely unmotivated to do anything. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself; I've been so busy the last 6 months. But I can't keep not doing anything. I wait until the last minute to get ready for work. I dread each day I have to go.

I enjoyed a nice pleasant day in Kansas City on Saturday. I went to a mall in Overland Park that has a Nordstrom and Sephora. Then I headed to Country Club Plaza; this outdoor mall area on the Missouri side. I loved it! There are tons of shops and restaurants; all of my favorites that I never get to go to. I finished the day at the Cheesecake Factory...had a yummy meal and even yummier cheesecake! (yes, I ate all by myself and it was great! how's that for being comfortable being single?)

Then around 10:30 pm, 40 miles or so from Wichita. . .something happened to my truck. There was some kind of crack, snap, or pop (I was going to try to insert something clever here about Rice Krispies but nothing is coming to me) and I ended up on the side of the road. What's funny is the truck will start but it won't move. I can't put it into any gear and get it to go. I got it towed and now waiting for the repair shop to call and let me know what's wrong.

I tried not thinking it but the first thought in my head when it happened was that I was being punished for going to KC. I had questioned all week about whether or not I should go given my new job situation but I just knew I needed to get out of Wichita! And there's not really any other place to go.

I already feel weird sitting here at home at 11 am not really doing anything. Oh well.

My life is on hold. That's the way it feels. I still can't have the kind of life I want. I am trying to figure out ways to still have a life even though I'm going to be broke and have no idea what is going to happen. I figure I can take advantage of WSU's fitness center now...I can try to finally get in shape. I could also try to finally learn to play the piano. And soon I'll be able to start gardening. I am thinking about somehow getting a new mattress. Every time I climb into my single bed I feel very un-grown-up. I need something that makes me feel adult and together. And I'm thinking that I want to go to a flea market or antique store to find an awesome headboard.

Somehow, I'll figure out what I'm going to do. Now that my truck is really definitely becoming unreliable I am somehow going to have to get a new car. Somehow I want to feel adult and at least a little together. Somehow.

For the last 3 days I have done basically nothing. Tuesday I got my haircut and went out to a bar for St. Patty's day. I had my first Irish Car Bomb. It was actually pretty good. My roommate and I ended up talking to a couple of guys for a little while. It was fun.

Then yesterday I read and watched movies all day long. It was great. Except I feel like I managed to eat a ton of food. . . . oh well.

Today I have watched TV and cleaned the kitchen. And made sushi! Or maki-sushi to be more precise. It was definitely good. Now I'm ready for a margarita or something.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to work in the garden and get it cleaned up so it'll be ready for planting when it's time. I am so excited to have a garden again. I am going to plant green beans, tomatoes, corn, and maybe some broccoli and lettuce. And some herbs.

I like that I'm relaxing. Except so much free time is making me think a lot. And right now there's only one person I can think about. I haven't talked to him in a month. He hasn't responded to the e-mails I've sent (3 total) and he hasn't tried calling. I haven't even tried calling him in at least 2 weeks. After one week, I basically quit trying. I do know at least that he's alive out there somewhere as I received a stupid e-mail forward last week (one of those forward this to as many people and you'll get $$ for it). I'm just. . .annoyed really. And frustrated that my fear was realized: the only reason it all happened was because he needed to face his past in AZ and finding a "good girl" helped him realize it.
I am so tired of being alone..although I know that I'll make it and I'll be fine and even if I did have a relationship, there would be times I'd just want my space, really when it comes down to it I am tired of being alone. And here was a guy that was kind, real and didn't make me feel like I was screwed up. . .he was someone that we could've gone out and had a great time every once in awhile but also be just as willing to stay in, cook a great dinner, and watch a movie. And oh so ruggedly manly...hmm...ok done now ;-)

One good thing is I know for a fact it's not me. . .for once, I know for a fact that him not talking to me means it's his loss. It is his loss. He was always so amazed that I was so nice to him. He wasn't used to women, or anyone for that matter, being nice to him and here I was doing what just came naturally to me. Except now he's on the list of guys who my niceness will not come as naturally anymore. I don't trust him anymore like I did.

I didn't start off trusting Jason and that messed it all up. I did start off trusting M and look what happened. Either way, it doesn't seem to work out. Oh well. I'll keep watching movies and TV to escape reality. I may also need a margarita.

Well whether I wanted it to be this way or not, I am forced into taking a break. I am forced into having more time on my hands.
I lost my job at the conference office. Although I know it's probably a blessing because I'm just so exhausted but at the same time it's a slap in the face. I was so fucking upset. They were still convinced I wasn't doing a good job and I KNOW I was. I hadn't been doing a good job last fall but after Christmas I made it a point to make sure I was on top of everything. I was definitely doing a good job! But apparently they were getting "complaints" about me. I was just so. . .shocked. I mean, every once in awhile there might be a difficult person that I had to talk to but I did my best to handle it well. And there were so many people I'd talk to on a daily basis that would tell me they appreciated it and I was helpful and courteous, etc.

Obviously this will give me more time to relax and doing simple everyday things like clean and cook (I'll have to since I won't be able to afford to go out to eat anymore). I think what makes me the most upset is that I know I had been doing a much better job but they refused to see that. They never asked me, they never came to the resource center to see what was going on. They never led me to believe there were any problems. It's just all bullshit.

Financially I think I'll be ok. I hate that I'll be back on a strict budget, back to not even being able to get a haircut or go out to dinner and a movie with some friends. I have no room to do something like. . .oh go to Kansas City like I had planned on during my spring break this week. I may still go but. . .it'll just be depressing because I won't be able to buy anything. Oh well.

So now I'm back to this place where I feel like a complete failure, a complete nothing, and like my life will never be any different. I am 28 years old and I have no career, no family. . .I'm completely alone and the only hope of my career I have is at least another 3 years away. I live in a place I pretty much hate. I have nothing. I live in a house owned by a 24-year-old. I am driving (and will still be driving) a 15-year-old truck that I've had for 8 years with 172,000 miles on it. I found out recently that my brother is in a production of Guys-N-Dolls...yup that would be the musical that I have dreamed of being in since I was in 1st grade. Yes, 1st grade. I remember specifically seeing it at Jerseyville High School and thinking "I want to do this." But I never got the chance.

My mom offered to come and see me for a few days. I am thinking of taking her up on it but I don't think I can take too much of her "just really trust God and be open to what he has for you." Honestly, I can't take it. I'm not sure if I believe that too much. I feel like that no matter how open I am (or feel like I am) to God, nothing ever works out. Nothing ever changes. I feel like that if I become the least bit happy or hopeful, then everything falls apart. Is that how it's going to be always? According to the "MyType" application on Facebook (based on Meyer's Briggs) I am an INFP, an idealist. Is this how being an INFP is? Is that just something I have to accept and work around or is this something that I can change? Is anything ever going to be good enough? Will I at some point get married and then be unhappy and ruin it? Will I finally get a career and be unhappy with that too, wondering if there was something else I was supposed to do? Will I ever live somewhere that I like?

I am so tired of feeling like this. So tired. I want something that makes my life feel just a little like worth living. Everytime something that like comes along, it goes away. Pretty quickly too. And then here I am writing about it on a freakin blog. I am sitting around waiting until the last moment to get ready to go to work, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. I hate it. But I have no idea what to do about it. It sucks being SO unhappy about everything in my life. More than just unhappy. . .I don't even know what word to use.

I feel like screaming. And throwing something.

I am feeling very French this evening....

Last night, I dreamed I was in France. Tonight I watched Ratatouille (yes the children's movie) and then all I could think about was wine and cheese. So I went and purchased a bottle of pinot noir, Camembert cheese, and a loaf of French bread. It's very yummy. Although, I am sure that French women don't down half of the cheese in one sitting. ;-) Oh well.

I really hope I can go to France someday. I think I really should start wearing scarves. I won't start smoking though. . .although if I ever go to France, I will totally get some French cigarettes!

What can I say? I'm a dreamer.

So after talking to someone almost everyday for about 2 weeks, I haven't heard from him since last Monday. He got a cell phone and I tried calling each night after getting off work last week and he never answered. Then I sent an e-mail (knowing he has his computer and internet access because he sent me an e-mail) and still nothing. At all. No e-mail, no call.

I'm a little irritated. I mean, I could understand not talking for a few days but now it's almost been 2 weeks. I got tired of trying to call and never getting an answer. So I stopped trying. I figure if he wants to talk to me, he knows my number. And if he doesn't want to talk to me then I'll just put him in the same category of idiots that have also just stopped talking to me over the years. Unfortunately this is the only one that has ended up costing me $300. I could have bought a Coach purse with that!

The rejected girl part of me is just sad and irritated. The part of me, however, that truly cares for him and hopes he's doing ok, is just a little worried about him. I want to know he's ok...but at this point I'm a little nervous to call the house he's been living at. The whole reason he got the cell phone was so he didn't tie up the landline so I don't know if it's ok to call there. And since he hasn't tried calling me, I don't even know if I should unless I just talk to the owner of the house and ask if he's ok and still there and say that's all I wanted to know. Oh well. Maybe I'll give it some more time.

But really what was I expecting? You'd think I'd know better after all this time. Sometime I wonder if I need to just learn to care less. I mean, any chance for a relationship with him went right out the door when he went back to AZ. Oh well.

It's sometimes very difficult when things seem to be so up in the air when it comes to just about everything in life right now.

One of the questions I was asked in my PA interview was where I saw myself in 10 years. I was totally caught off guard. I had no idea what to say. I bumbled through some answer that I can't even remember. Part of me feels like I can't say where I see myself 10 years down the road because EVERYTHING is so open. I was thinking of it today. There are so many "ifs." Like, if I'm done with school, if I'm still single, if I'm married, if I have kids...if, if, if. But let's think "if" I just could plan out what I hoped my life would be in 10 years...(it hasn't worked yet, I still don't feel like I can plan out anything).

In 10 years:

1) I will be finished with grad school and working as a PA (that's within 5 years)
2) My student loans will be paid off
3) I will own a house and a good car
4) I will live somewhere that I am able to see mountains on a regular basis
5) I will be married and have at least 1 child

If the last one doesn't happen, then I'll just add "I will have a 2nd home somewhere." Oh yeah, I would also like to pay my parents back for all the loans they took out for me to go to school.

We'll see....right now I can't even figure out how to get out of Kansas. I can't really right now. If I can get into WSU's PA program next year, it would be dumb of me not to go....the whole program costs less than one year of most other programs. I will still go ahead and apply to other programs...mostly on the East & West coasts. But money-wise it's going to be wise to stay where I am. Then I'll look all over for a job.

Can I really plan out anything? Probably not completely. I guess I can at least hope for those things in the next 10 years.