the thought of moving is stressing me out. wednesday night i didn't fall asleep until after 4 am then had to get up at 9. i started getting tired later but couldn't take a nap because i was going to have to get up at 5 am to get to work at 6 friday morning. well then i woke up. talked on the phone with a few people...including dave. i had called him that afternoon then again at about 10 pm and then 2 hours later (after being told he'd call me right back) he called. there wasn't much to say. my graduation dress was at his house and so i needed to get it back. so then i was wide awake on thurs night and didn't sleep until about 2 and woke up by 4:30. and last night i was still wide awake (not tired at all) by 11 pm. I finally took a sleeping pill and fell asleep. and slept until 10 am. It felt good.

so i saw dave yesterday. the whole time i was trying to fight tears. Only two escaped at one point. we chatted for a bit. i gave him the card that i had gotten for one of his son's birthday that is next week. and then even though i kept telling myself i didn't want him to hug me, he did. i kept thinking that i didn't want to remember what it was like for him to hug me. i didn't want to remember what it was like. but now i do. now i remember what its like. i didn't want to let go.

but the thing is he is not sad that i'm going. he doesn't miss me. he doesn't wish i would stay. and then i hate that he said "see you later" when he left when i know we won't see each other. and i hate that he said "talk to you later" at times when he won't talk to me unless i talk to him. he still never asks me how i am. i guess maybe he figures he knows that i'm not doing that great and doesn't want to be reminded that he was a part of that. he knew about my walgreens thing but he didn't hear it from me...i know who he heard it from. I was dumb enough to tell good old music minister and i'm sure she mentioned it to him. i hate that he finds out something about me from her.

the nearest chipotle will be like 3 hours away. and there isn't a supertarget close to where i'm going to to live. i love supertarget, i shop there for everything. and now i'm going to have to shop at a little target and go to a regular grocery store. at least there's steak n shake except i am still going to be trying to lose weight so i can't go that often. the thing with chipotle is that almost everything is blood type friendly. i can go there and what i eat is almost all completely ok for me to eat. and deciding to eat a few blood type unfriendly things are ok because the majority is ok. i am crazy. who cares if there's no chipotle. i'll be able to see my family.
I am going to try and be good about visiting my grandparents. I think that would be fun to get to know them a little better. maybe grandma and I can cook together. and of course my sister will be an hour away. parents are close but not too close.
and of course there's good shopping not that far away. not that i can actually buy anything.

but the thing is, i'm tired of moving. everything is so uncertain. I thought I was moving here to settle down. i was looking forward to it. and now i have no idea what is going to happen. part of me feels like moving back to IL means i couldn't make it. i feel like it means that i'm slinking home, ashamed, with my tail between my legs, and that i'm no different than when i left. i was the one who couldn't wait to get out of IL and now I'm going back. and of course people will know why I am back. i can't afford to go back to denver. plus i do want to be closer to my family. and i know that even if i go back now doesn't mean i will always be there. i could still end up somewhere else when i go back to school.

when i told him that i loved him and that i was committed to the relationship i meant it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy and i knew there would be things that would be hard to figure out. but i was in and it didn't take him long to figure out that he wasn't in. he didn't want me. and even though at times i can have the attitude of "it's his loss," the truth is he didn't want me. he didn't want me. everything was like a big joke. and that just devastates me. but it's tiring crying over someone who doesn't cry over me and it's tiring missing someone who doesn't miss me. which i know why it's probably best for me to go because it'll make it easier to stop missing him.

i just don't like that everything is so uncertain and i have no idea about anything. i don't like that i was reminded of what it is like to have his arms wrapped around me, holding me...and i don't like that i had to look in his eyes and see someone that i still love so much, despite everything.

who says you can't go home

That Bon Jovi song gets on my nerves.

So here's the news: I'm going back to Illinois. Not really my first choice but I want to get out of Kansas. It hurts too much being here. I don't like always being reminded of everything. And plus I need to stop being alone and be around people who love and care about me. I don't want to be alone all the time. And I'm not talking about the no-boy alone just the no friends, no family, nothing alone.

I am looking forward to it. I'm going to go back to the apartment in Hartford. Katie is living in the house so if she's ever around I can see her. And my sister will be an hour away, my parents 2 1/2 (close but not too close), Kyle and Sarah are an hour away. I'll have people who I have grow to love and trust and I know will always care about me.

I'm going to move before Thanksgiving. I'll have to make a few trips to get all my stuff; dad is going to work on securing a trailer to haul stuff like furniture. And I have to clean out the apartment; it kinda turned into a storage shed after mom and dad moved the last time. I may have to crash at someone's house for a bit until I can get settled.

Here's to me and my super-quick moving decisions!

Blue Like Jazz

I found a book this afternoon that I can't put down and I am probably going to stay up reading it even though I'm getting tired and I have that interview tomorrow.
It's called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. And I want everyone in the world to read it. ;-) I'm sure there are people who wouldn't like it but I love it. Tonight I have been overcome with laughter, joy, sadness, lonliness, and wonder. I have been convinced of christ's love for me and his unwillingness to let me go and been angry once again about why he brought me to a place that I would end up alone (thanks to the chapter about the living in the community stuff).

It's a really good book. I'm going to finish it now.

I lied

Did you know there are a lot of things you need a computer and internet for? Like paying bills, looking up phone number and addresses for potential jobs, and a brief weak moment when I went to sephora.com...

And now I have a decision to make: do I take a job at walgreens or try to find an administrative job through the temp agency that I have an interview with on Thursday?

So, yes, Walgreens called to find out if I'm still interested in the pharmacy tech position. I am but it doesn't pay much more than what I make now, so I'd have to continue to work at the hotel (which SUCKS nowadays and I am going to end up working on Thanksgiving which means being here all alone and that will suck big time). Of course, working at Walgreens will allow me to get certified as a pharmacy tech which means I could make more money eventually like at a hospital or something. Or I could stay at Walgreens which has pretty good benefits.

On Thursday I have a an interview at a temp agency, one that when I look at the available jobs, they all look like they pay pretty well. Of course who knows what kind of job I'd end up with. And I don't know about benefits or anything yet.

So I could either end up working 2 jobs, one of which I have wanted for awhile now but won't make that much money or potentially get a pretty well-paying administrative job. I told the manager at walgreens I'd let her know if I was still interested by Friday.

Any advice? I'm really not sure what to do.

I'm still going to stay away from the computer except for like one time a day or two.

man...

I just realized that taking a break from this laptop of mine means not getting to watch grey's anatomy online.

oh well. . .I'm sticking with it. I'll catch up on grey's when I get back.

A break

I started thinking about this yesterday. . .I need a break. I'm not sure what I need a break from. I can't take a break from work. As much as I want to completely leave Kansas I don't think I can right now. The only way would be to partially move, find somewhere to live for free and save up enough money to be able to get out of my lease. However, the only way I know of to do that is to go to IL, i.e. Hartford. And unfortunately someone is living in the house now and the apartment is now Dad's storage facility. So I guess that's out. I think I'd rather move back to Denver anyway.

Anyway so because I can't leave completely I decided that somehow I need a focused time to think, pray, and try to figure things out. I can't go on the way things are right now.

So I think I'm going to take a break including a break from my computer. There is too much temptation to look at old pictures, old videos, myspace profiles, stuff that I really really want to buy (the urge to buy a camera and a purse is sometimes very overwelming). Everytime I open up my e-mail I'm tempted to look at all the old e-mails which so far I can't get rid of. And there is a dash of disappointment at the fact there are no more fun and loving e-mails from someone.

So I am going to try to stay away from my computer. I am going to try to stay away from stores (unless it's to get some yarn to knit or a book). All the credit cards are cut up anyway however I still manage to use them online sometimes. I am going to pray, write, read, knit, quilt, cook, bake, whatever. I want to somehow figure something out. And even if it is the knowledge that I will definitely be ok then great. I have no peace right now. It continues to make me upset to know that I have all these pieces to pick up while he's able to go on living his life as though I don't exist. And I really don't know what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be able to wake up and not be sad and not think of him.

So now I begin an "at-home" retreat. Or at least a retreat at the place I happen to live. I'm not sure how long its going to last but somehow things have to be different.

See you when I get back.

I still miss him. I know he doesn't miss me at all. But I miss him.

I rearranged my living room yesterday. I put my TV in the living room. I was tired of always laying in bed watching tv. Now I just lay on my couch and watch tv.

See? I'm learning to appreciate the good days. And I know they'll be more. So far though today isn't one of them.

oh well.

Today

Today I. . . .

rearranged my living room.
had fun at work.
made $20 in tips.
listened to "Fishin in the Dark" without crying.
was laughing just cause. . .no reason, just wanted to.
had a very handsome black man from NYC flirt with me.
felt like me again.

I don't know if I will be like that tomorrow but I figure everyday I feel like me is a good thing. Today was a good day and it ended good too, thanks to wonderful hot cocoa and some Jars music.

I have no fear of drowning....

...it's the breathing that's taking all this work. -Jars of Clay "Work"

I am continuing on a journey that over the last like 7 years has been hard, scary, confusing, frustrating and something that has made me stand in awe and amazement one moment and cry and scream the next.
And now I continue on this journey and it seems like it will be just as hard, scary, confusing, and frustrating as it always has been. I'm hoping, though, that there will be some joy mixed in with that. I started seeing a mix of some joy & happiness (which I do believe are two different things) earlier this year and somehow before I knew it, lost it again.
This journey I speak of is life and in my case, this life of mine involves trusting a sometimes seemingly far away, yet very personal Christ. Many times I've wanted to completely close him out of my life but he never really let me. He let me do my own thing for awhile but he never actually let me shut him out completely. As much as sometimes I hated it, he was always right there.

Now I am faced with the fact that I have nothing else to turn to. If anything, being in Kansas has made me see that I really do need God. I can't make all this work on my own. So the journey of try to really trust God is continuing on. I'm not sure how to do it exactly.

I bought My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I bought it for a couple of reasons: 1) it was only $5; 2) it's been around for a long time so I think maybe there's something more to it than just fluffy stuff you'd find in a newer devotional; 3) I'd always heard of it and wanted to get it. So far it's really good. Sometimes I have to read and reread a few times just so it sinks in.
One of things I've always struggled with is how I feel like my relationship with God is compared (and I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard sometimes) to other people's. Coming from the Methodist church it was all about going to church every Sunday, reading a chapter from the Bible everyday and spending a set amount of time in prayer. The relationship with God and how to achieve it was put in a nice pretty easy to accept package. However, what happens when the Bible seems to do nothing but confuse? What happens when you sit to pray and there are no words that come out? What happens when you start doubting the validity all everything you had ever been taught?
I know many people have been there. Probably a lot more than would ever actually admit it too.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be authentic, real, and honest. I'm not afraid to tell him when I am angry and confused. I am not afraid to tell him that I do not want to worship him. And right now I am not afraid to tell him that I am scared as hell. I have nothing to put hope in except for Christ. And it's freaking scary!!

In yesterday's reading from MUFHH (hehehehe that looks funny) it said "Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it is revelation sense, and it reaches the shores where common sense fails. Faith must be tried before the reality of faith is actual. 'We know that all things work together for good.' then no matter what happens, the alchemy of god's providence transfigures the ideal faith into actual reality."

And also: "To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes. God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real."

I still want to be a Christian who is real and honest. Somehow I want to care about poeple who the church dismisses. I want people to say "you're a Christian? you're not like other Christians I've met" and the wonder why. And then somehow I want to show them who Christ really is. But I still wonder if I really know....

I read John 6 yesterday. It's full of teaching that confused a lot of people and even made some of Jesus's disciples decide to stop following. I wonder why Jesus did that. If he wants people to be saved and believe why did he teach something that would made some turn away? Something is think about. . .

Post #200

So apparently this is my 200th post. Break out the champagne...(I wish)

I went grocery shopping today and bought good, healthy stuff. Lettuce, broccoli, sprouts, etc. I'm going to eat healthy if it kills me (which is I guess the reason I want to eat healthy so that I avoid the killing part by eating chips and drinking soda). I worked out 3 times last week. I'm going to work up to 4-5 times. This belly of mine has got to go. I think I lost a little bit of weight lately; my jeans seem to be fitting a little loose. Here's to eating right for your blood type (whether it really works or not, it's easy to follow).

It is like 75 degrees outside here. That's way too warm for the end of October. I want to wear sweaters and a coat. It's supposed to be 50 tomorrow but that's still too warm for almost being November.

When I went grocery shopping I also had to buy comfort food, or beverage rather. Double chocolate hot cocoa which I will make with milk (the thought of making it with soy milk is too disgusting) and flavor with a tiny bit of peppermint schnapps. ;-)
I believe I will also eat some popcorn.

Last night I realized that even though I'm sad and wish I wasn't here, I am not as desperate as the other girl who moved out here to be with a guy. All she cares about is finding a husband. I've worked with her the last few nights and I'm just like "oh my gosh you're never going to find someone if you're obsessed about it." Ok I won't say that but I want to.
I mean, yes I'm disappointed and a little more sad than I really want to be but if I have to be single for a long time still (I figured I was going to be anyway) then I know I'll be ok. I'll work for awhile, pay off my bills, go to med school or PA school and be fine. I'll be happy again someday. Someday I will stop thinking of Dave and stop thinking of four little kids who I really wish I could buy birthday and christmas presents for. Someday I'll be fine. Better than fine. I'll be great. I'll be happy again.

Something I forgot to mention about the hot cocoa. . .there's also Redi-Whip. I've never actually bought Redi-Whip before. . .it's not too bad.

ok it's a little late but. . .

The Cardinals WON! They WON!!! The St. Louis Cardinals are the World Series Champions!!!!
Ok I'm a couple of days late on that one but as happy as I am the last few days have just made me sad. Or. . I've just been sad. Nothing besides what has been making me sad for the last few months is continuing to make me sad.

Ok so I'm excited about the Cardinals winning.

I have a couple of job applications to send in for a few places. And there are a couple of places I am going to send resume to. I have the day off tomorrow so I can spend some time working on that.

I went to a new church today. It wasn't too bad. The music team wasn't really that great. . .but I liked the sermon and the attitude of it. There was a good mix of ...oh who am I kidding it was ok but I really miss my church in Colorado. I really liked it there. And I was getting to the point where I wanted to get more involved and get to know people at the church. I liked the worship team and the good mix of singing worship songs and hymns, doing readings, taking communion with bread (not the thin yucky wafers) and wine (and juice for those who want juice) and just the freedom I felt there.

8 more months and I can move. I want to go back to Colorado. I miss it a lot.

But until then I know I'll be fine here. I'll try to find a new job so I can start paying off credit cards and make plans to eventually go back to school. I will keep going to church and make the best of it.

You know as alone as I am here I don't really want to get to know people here or make this home...I just want to be able to leave when I can. There's just too many bad memories here. But somehow I will make the best of it while I am here.

conflicted

I'm conflicted.

The music minister at dave's church (i.e. the girl he was interested in before me and who he's such good friends with) has never been anything but nice to me. In fact, the day after my rant about seeing his van at her apartment she sends me this nice, reaching out myspace message (i knew I should've stuck with not signing into it anymore). She said it was good to see me at church, and invited me to a couple of things with the single girls' group and said she'd been thinking of me and praying for me because she knows it must be hard being here where I don't really know anyone.

I sent her a message back. I told her I appreciated her message. It was nice. . .but why does she have to be so nice? And why can't I just stop thinking that there's some evil motive? Oh yeah becuase I"m me and apparently I'm a nutso freak. And then I just beat myself up over and over again because as much as I want to be gracious, loving, and ok I just. . .can't. I'm trying so hard, but .... sometimes I just still want to scream and throw things.

I'm conflicted, I don't want to dislike her, she's a perfectly nice person but at the same time all I can think of is what if he still likes her? What if he always did but convinced himself not to? He told me that because of her position in the church and her wanting to get her credentials (something like getting ordained in the AG church) she can't marry anyone who's divorced but would that really get in the way if they didn't let it? What if the whole time he was with me he just wanted me to be a marry-able version of her? What if (again) I was just the girl in between?

I keep finding out things about myself that I don't like. Thinking things like this is one of them....

OH MY GOSH

I just realized I had three posts yesterday. dang.

Anyway. The Cardinals are ONE game away from winning the World Series!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!
They play one more time in St. Louis...I hope they win tomorrow so that way they can win at Busch Stadium!!! The World Series!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I'm so excited!!!!

Unwinding

I just got off of work and I'm unwinding. It was a fun night.

There is one Christian band that I will for some reason always love: Jars of Clay. And it took me awhile to like them. I didn't until I saw them at Mississippi Nights in St. Louis, a good five years after their first CD came out. There is something about their music and lyrics that have always just kept me hooked. Today I downloaded their latest album and I love it. And I also downloaded "Redemption Songs" and love that too.
They were supposed to be in Wichita but the concert was canceled I guess...next week they're going to be at House of Blues in LAS VEGAS. Man! I wish I could go. That would be so awesome.

And I have a confession. . .there's a Casting Crowns song I love too. It's called Praise You in this Storm. I really like it, I admit. . .Yes that would be me admitting to liking a VERY Christian music industry song. EEK! ;-) (that's what I get for dating a guy who works at a christian radio station) And there are other songs I like...sometimes I even listen to the radio station. double EEK!

Today was a pretty good day. Today it was overcast, a little rainy, and the most "fallish" (thanks to Val for that word) it's been so far. It was great even thought I was stuck inside most of the day. And now it's all foggy and dark and makes me think of campfires and drinking hot cocoa. Speaking of hot cocoa, I bought some french vanilla cocoa which is pretty good. I realized later that what I really want is peppermint cocoa. And if it's peppermint schnapps it's even better!

In my previous post I wrote about how in the book I'm reading it talks about taking up your cross and I thought about it and ended up writing this:

"There is wonder & amazement
There is fear & trembling
There is a light shining in the eyes of your child
There is mystery & wanting
There is hiding, shouting, & silence
There is confusion & understanding
There is standing still & dancing
Right here in the heart of this child."

I got out of the habit of writing after I dropped out of GC and I've always wanted to get back into it. Maybe I will.

Oh and the Cardinals game was rained out. Bummer. St. Louis is up 2 games to 1! WOOHOO!!!!!

Trying to let go

I didn't want to put stuff about my pursuit of Jesus and trying to let go of all the anger and self-condemnation I am going through right now in the post about me being angry about seeing his stupid mini-van and wanting desperately to go kick it (ok maybe not just kick it I did have keys in my hand). I didn't go anywhere near it though. I'm not as crazy as the cheated-on girl in the Carrie Underwood song (which I hate btw). Anyway. . .

I started reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for awhile and read some of it but never finished. It talks a lot about the crucified Christ. The battered, sweating, bleeding crucified Christ and the wisdom and power of it.

One of the things mentioned about experiencing the power and wisdom of the cross is the courage to accept & take up our own cross.

Our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today; the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it: this is our true cross. . . .in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. What happens in this encounter with the Crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies; his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement(The Signature of Jesus, page 61-62).

I want so much to believe that and accept that. I made something yesterday to help remind me that "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more" (the hymn, It Is Well with My Soul). I took some scrapbooking paper I had bought at some point and ripped a cross out of it. I wanted the edges to be rough and uneven, not perfect (like me). I glued it to another piece of paper. Then around the edges of the cross I wrote that verse from the hymn. Inside the cross I put my sins and problems I deal with. Next I took red paper (symbolizing the blood of Christ) and put torn pieces around the cross and wrote "it is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more." Then I crumbled it up a little. It's rough, unperfect, and messed up a bit (like me).

I'm NOT perfect. I never claim to be. My faith is real, honest (even if that honesty means saying I am discouraged and angry), and ever-changing. I am HIS. I am His child. If I want to sit in silent contemplation during worship, I will. If I want to stand up and raise my hands I will. No one is allowed to dictate what is the right way for me to worship and make me feel badly if I do something different. I want to strive to be the kind of follower of Christ who is an example of his acceptance and love. I want to accept people that the church sees as outcasts and beyond repair.

There's a new church I'm going to try on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

Fall doesn't exist in Kansas

Inspired by Val's post about October and Halloween, I decided to seek after some nature to see if I could find October in Kansas. I drove to El Dorado State Park. It wasn't much of anything. Just a bunch of campgrounds. I didn't stay long. The closest I came to finding whatever it was I was looking for was a little park in town. It had a bridge over a large creek (or small river, however you want to look at it). The trees were green and yellow with the sun coming down through the gaps of the branches. I took a couple of pictures.
But even that did no good at getting me out of my funk. All I could think about was the mountains and how the really tall ones have snow on them now. If I was still in CO, I could drive to my old church and see Mt. Evans looming in the distance with the smaller mountains all around it. I could see the Aspen trees all around with their changing leaves. I could have experienced the first snow that happened this past week.

But no, I am here. Right now even on pretty days, everything is just dull and brown. Some of the trees turn red but most of the time they are just yellow and there are still alot of them that are green. And it's supposed to get up to 70 degrees today.

Yesterday as hard as I tried not to be, I was angry. I'm really angry at myself. I'm trying not to be angry at him but it's hard, last night especially. I was doing laundry and had to see that he's at my apartment complex playing tennis. My apartment complex also happens to be the apartment complex of the girl that he dated before I came along. Well dated, thought about dating, never actually dated, whatever; he was interested in her. She's the music director at his church. And of course, she's one of the perky, perfect Christian girls. The type that he said he was glad I wasn't but started to get the impression that he would rather me be that way. And then after I went to work out in the fitness room (and stayed a bit to watch the Cardinals game), I stupidly walked over to see that his van was still in the parking lot, which means he stayed to hang out. I hated that. I hate that he was hanging out with the girl that he said he would have had to change so many things about himself to be with. I hated that they probably had the Cardinals game on and he was watching it with her (ok and to be fair with her sister too, they live together). Who cares that she's probably only watching it because he's into it. And the only thing I was thinking was that if I end up being the girl in between again I will be even more angry. I was the mistake Justin made before realizing who he really wanted to be with (and was with before me). And if I end up being that with Dave I just. . .I don't know. I won't like it. When I first got out here, I felt like he seemed to care a lot about what she thought of his relatinship with me. And even though he'd say things like she didn't know how to be friends with him without sometimes going into flirting with him, he always seemed to make sure he was talking to her when she was around. There was a pool party at someone's house one day that we went to and he talked to her more than me. He barely came near me.

I have been struggling again with how I'm not the perfect little perky Christian girl. I had gotten to a point where I thought I was ok with it. I was getting to be more and more comfortable with who I was. And up until I got here, that seemed to be ok with Dave. He liked that I was real and honest about who I was. He liked that I would go dancing at a bar and watch a lot of different kind of movies. But then almost from the first Sunday I went to his church it wasn't ok anymore. It was like he didn't believe me when I said that going to a new church is the hardest thing for me to do, especially a church where everyone wants to see Dave's new girlfriend. I'm shy and it takes awhile for me to open up. He wasn't willing to let me go about it at my own pace. He wanted me to go about it the way he would have and when I didn't I (to my face) was compared to his ex-wife. There were a couple of times that happened. One day when he was frustrated he was being a little short with his kids and said to me "if she was here, she would get on to me about that, because it's not their fault I'm upset and shouldn't take it out on them." All I could think was "well in case you didn't notice, she's not here and I'm NOT HER." Unfortunately like so many other times I didn't say anything. I knew things like that would come up but didn't know how hard it would really be to handle them.

I didn't speak up. There were so many times I wanted to but I didn't. I chickened out. I realize that he doesn't want a woman who is going to be partner to him, he wants a woman who is going to be the perfect image he has in his mind of what a woman should be. And I think good old music director is going to have a hard time of living up to that too.

I'm not saying all this to continue to make him the bad guy...it is just me needing to process. And quite honestly I have no idea what to think because all he's given me to go by is the fact that apparently I'm the last person in the world he wants to speak to and would rather me not exist.

Where's a gay tour of Tuscany when you need it?

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun. It always makes me want to go to Italy. Right now I'd do anything to be able to just pick up and go somewhere. At this point I just wish I had the money to go to Kansas City. I want to go to Nordstrom and get a pomegranate lemonade. Unfortunately I don't have enough money for gas.

As hard as I try to not be sad, it doesn't seem to work very well. Sometimes it does; sometimes I can get a glimpse of the person I was before all this happened. The person who was becoming more and more content, hopeful, and joyful. Then the realization that I am a stupid idiot comes back and I wonder if the person who was getting to be happy will ever come back again.
Everytime I wake up I am reminded of why I am here and what happened. And now the guilt has set in. Guilt over things I did wrong, including wanting to blame him for everything. I wanted to be able to be loving and gracious about the whole thing but I wasn't. I became angry and bitter. And worse of all, I have lost someone who for years was so important to me.

I need to find a new job. I got a call about the Walgreens job; they are going to keep looking for someone with pharmacy tech experience. They did say that if they don't find anyone they are going to call me first to see if I am still interested. I haven't been too seriously looking for a job...I need to but part of me is afraid that if I do find a good enough job (one that will pay me enough that I can pay off credit cards) it will be harder for me to leave. It would be dumb of me to leave a well-paying job if I did find one, even if it would be just something to hold me over until I can go back to school. I really don't think I want to stay here. I miss Denver. Of course, I have always wanted to live in NYC. Maybe if I do well enough on the MCAT I can pursue going to NYU. Who knows. I wish I could find something before the holidays; I'd have a better chance of not having to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas if I had a M-F office type job. One of my biggest fears right now is that I will have to spend Thanksgiving alone. Somehow I have to be able to go home for Christmas.

Right now all I can think of is the things I want that I can't have. I want to travel, but I can't. I want to buy a camera so I can take pictures, but I can't. I want to get the hell out of Kansas but I can't.

I also want to stop feeling sorry for myself but right now I can't. I want to be able to actually believe I have been forgiven for the mistakes I made in my relationship with Dave, for the anger I did not control very well, and believe God has some kind of plan for me. I am still trying my best to seek after God and hold on to this faith thing. I bought My Utmost for His Highest and Confessions of St. Augustine the other day. I am trying to read the Bible. And trying to pray. It's so hard. Especially because it seems the only thing I can pray is "why" and "help." I just keep trying to talk to Jesus. I end up in tears most of the time. I don't understand any of this still.

There's a line in a Jars of Clay song that I seem to keep repeating, "I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind." I've been waiting around for the last 25 years believing God is real and is somehow capable of more than I can ask for or imagine but lately. . .it seems impossible. I guess I'll go on trying to believe something good is possible. I hope soon I won't be so sad. Only 8 more months until my lease is up and I can leave. And if my mom says a lot could happen between now and June I think I may scream.

Oh yeah baby

The Cardinals did it! They are going to the World Series! The last game was so exciting!!!! I had my eyes glued to my computer shouting "DON'T BLOW IT!" The Mets got a run in the first inning, then the Cardinals got one in the 2nd. Then no one scored until the Cards got 2 runs in the 9th. It was scary though; the Mets ended up with bases loaded and one of their best hitters up to bat. But he struck out! WOOHOO! My parents called during the bottom of the 9th so I got to share my excitment with my dad.

Ok so, they may not be able to beat Detroit but. . .I'm still so proud of them! They did it!!!!!!

Fun stuff

The musical Hairspray is here in Wichita for a few days. The cast and crew are staying at the hotel and we got free tickets from the company that presented the show! Originally I was supposed to work 3-11 but I went in early at 1 and then left early to go to the show!
It was SO good. It is so funny and the music is great; exciting and full of energy. I highly recommend it.

And the Cardinals won last night!!!!! One win away from the World Series! I hope they make it!

Walgreens

I had a job interview yesterday at Walgreens for a position as a pharmacy technician. The interview went well. I should hear about it in a couple of days. I will probably still work at the hotel; I won't be making too much more at the pharmacy than I am at the hotel. But it would be a good opportunity. Once I'm certified I can make a little more and once I get enough experience, I can work at a hospital. Plus when I can go back to school it'll look good that I've been doing something medical related.
I hope I get it.

I started thinking about taking the MCAT again. There's a test in January but that doesn't give me enough time to review so I'd take it in April. I just keep thinking I want to at least see how I can do. I think Grey's Anatomy is having a negative influence on me. . .keeps making me think I still want to be a doctor. ;-) Definitely don't want to be a surgeon though. Maybe a pediatrician...I've always wanted to work with children with cancer and other life-threatening illnesses.

I guess we'll see.

Go CARDS!

the cardinals are in the national league championship series against the mets. i'm sure many people thought the mets would just sweep the cards (they've done a lot better) but the cards won last night and are up 5-0 tonight! I really wish I could watch the games1 It's driving me nuts!!!!
If they go to the world series I may just have to go to a sports bar to watch the games. Somehow I'll watch them!

And try not to think about how if I was still dating Dave we'd be watching at his house.

GO CARDS!

Immediately after writing that last post I just feel stupid. I mean who cares that I had a relationship that didn't work out? A lot of worse things have happened; people have gone through a lot worse...see that's the logical part of me.

I mean yes it still sucks. And a lot of times the illogical part overrides the logical.

I'll work on it.

One part logic, 2 parts very illogic

I've always had a hard time being ok with my circumstances. Even though sometimes I can find some good in things most of the time I just sit and think of how much everything sucks.
This is no exception. The logical part of me is saying that I will be fine, I will make the best of this situation, and I will someday get to have the whole family thing.

However, the very illogical part of me is feeling like my life is a very bad country song. Or a romantic comedy (or drama maybe) without the happy ending. In other words, my life is what really happens. My life is the real life situation. Girl falls for boy, boy decides he doesn't want girl and then cuts her completely out and makes girl feel like the stupidest person in the world.

Right now I am feeling very helpless and hopeless. I can't get the kind of job I want until I can go back to school which I can't do until I get my credit cards paid off. Which I can't do while I'm making only $8 an hour. And unfortunately my hopeless feeling is making me very unmotivated to look for another job. Especially because I have no idea what kind of job I want.

I'm lonely. I miss him. I don't like sitting at my apartment alone watching (again) the 1st & 2nd seasons of grey's anatomy. And I may have to start gilmore girls all over again too. I miss going to his house, eating dinner with him and the kids and just being around. I miss watching movies with him and talking to him.

Except he couldn't handle me actually being around. It was fine when I was just on the phone, but actually having me around ruined his routine and he couldn't handle it. All the talk about how even when things weren't perfect, he would love me anyway was all crap.

I just feel like my whole life is messed up. I messed up. And here I am all alone trying to fix it. I am trying really hard to keep depending on God. I don't have anything else to depend on. Even when I'm basically yelling at him, I try to keep talking.
It's really hard to believe he's listening. The whole faith thing hasn't been too easy for a really really long time.

It's hard sitting back watching all my friends getting married, and having families, and having homes. They didn't mess up by dropping out of school, racking up a bunch of debt, and moving somewhere only to feel like the whole world just is laughing at them. I thought back in January & February that things were starting to get better. Dave coming along was just another good thing to happen.

I know I kept saying that no matter what happened I was glad to have him in my life again but I lied. I don't like this at all. I would have rather just stayed internet buddies with him. . .every once in awhile, just an e-mail saying hi and giving an update. But then there were a lot of good times...I don't know what I think.

I saw him today in traffic. I drove past him. I have the tendency to pay attention to minivans lately. . .and saw him. I wanted to call him but I couldn't. I can't. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me at all. He just wants to pretend I don't exist.

I just wish I could stop crying.

this sucks.

missing birthdays

I've never been good at remembering birthdays. But today I remembered that there are four birthdays that I wanted so much to remember and now I will miss.
It's just a little thing but I'm going to miss the kids' birthdays. One is next month. The others are in January, Feburary, & March. And I will miss them. I had already been excited about buying presents and maybe even making a cake. But not now.

Overall I'm not doing too bad. I'm lonely. I think I like work just because it puts me around people so I don't go nuts being alone.

I still want to call him up but I'm getting better at talking myself out of it. I really want to talk to him this week because the radio station's shareathon is going on and it's a stressful week for him and I just want to make sure he's doing ok.

I wanted to call him when the cards won last night which means they are going to the national league championship. And I know I'm going to want to call him to talk about the games...they're playing the mets who did a lot better than them so I don't know how well the Cards will do.

Oh and in my attempt to replicate the pomegranate lemonade, I went to Panera, bought some lemonade and was going to add the juice BUT I couldn't find pomegranate juice anywhere! I went to three stores. Target had the POM pomegranate tea but not just the juice. Where is Whole Foods when you need it? I'll have to keep looking for somewhere that actually carries it around here. Kansas is a little behind on some things.

ok that's all, time for bed.

Fried mashed-potato cones

I forgot to write about the wonderful fried mashed-potato cones at the brewery where I ate last weekend. They were the best part! And they were just these little cones of fried mashed potatos seasoned somehow. . .not sure with what. But they were soooo good! I could've eaten a whole plate of them.

AND before I drove back to KS I stopped at Nordstrom in St. Louis. And at their little coffee shop they had pomegranate lemonade. Oh my gosh, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever drank. I may have to try to replicate it.

And it's official. . .I HAVE to start eating better and working out. I have to. I'm tired of clothes not fitting me. I decided this when I went to try on bras. It's just frustrating. So I figure I'll go back to my blood-type diet and exercise somehow...it's still nice enough here I can go to the park and walk. My apartment complex also has a little workout room. Even if I just lose like 20 pounds I'll be happy. Plus I'll double my wardrobe. I have a bunch of clothes that are too small. Including a lot of winter stuff. So it would just be good all around for me. Plus I have too much potential to blow up since it seems like I just sit around a lot nowadays. I'll just take it slow and easy...I don't want to be obsessed about it. But I know that it'll be good for me. I will take better care of myself; and hopefully fit into some clothes I haven't fit in for awhile.

And plus. . .maybe it'll be a distraction. And for a little bit I'll forget about things.

Baseball, Beer, & Quilts

I had a good trip.

I treated myself to a hotel room on Friday night (complete with room service Saturday morning). I hung out with Kyle & Sarah; we went to a restaurant on Laclede's Landing in St. Louis. We ate these wontons filled with duck and sampled a few different kinds of beers that the restaurant brews. A few of them weren't too bad, but it was still beer. We walked around a little bit and went over to the arch. I like the arch.
The baseball game was fun. Mom and I had a good time. I bought a shirt and nachos. OH MY GOSH. I just realized I forgot the souvenir cup that I bought. Bummer. The game wasn't exciting until the 7th inning when Milwaukee got 2 runs. Then everyone was losing hope. The Cardinals kept getting on base but couldn't get any runs. Then in the 8th inning, we got 3! Woohoo! I was glad we won. Then mom and I went to Steak-N-Shake. I miss that place.

After craving mexican food for a few weeks, I finally got some. Mom and I went out to lunch. The restaurant was right next to the bar where Dave and I (and other people too) went after his sister's wedding reception. It's where we danced to Brown-Eyed Girl. It was fun. I smiled about it which made me happy. I don't want to remember things like that and only feel sad.

Oh! The Dairy Queen has frozen hot chocolates! I was so excited. I love them and most dairy queens don't have them anymore.

Then my mom decided that it was time for me to learn how to quilt. I have a quilt top made up of quilt blocks that women in my family made for the annual Pig Roast. I won the quilt but never actually made it. The top was put together so now I'm going to finish it. The blocks are from 1993. It only took 13 years to start. Better late than never. Maybe it won't take 13 years to finish. ;-)

I got my hair done before I left. It's dark. . .like Catherine Zeta-Jones dark. Definitely have the sultry brunette thing goin.

Driving so much alone gives you a lot of time to think. I thought about how over the last few months I have been very quick to want to blame Dave for a lot of stuff. Well, for everything. I made my own mistakes when it came to our relationship. I was being very unfair.

I am going to get more serious about finding a new job and get more serious about figuring out how to trust God with my life. I know it's going to be difficult but I have to. Things never seem to work out too well when I try to do things my own way.

Ok time to get ready for work. Ugh.

not missing you at all

So even though I feel like I'm doing better it doesn't change the fact that this still sucks. The one person I want desperately to talk to, I can't. The one person I want in my life isn't. And he wasn't in my life for a really long time. . .but then he was and now that he's not anymore, it really sucks. I didn't think I would lose him again. I miss him. I miss the kids. This just all sucks.

Anyway. . .I'm glad it's almost time for my trip. I'm working for a few hours tomorrow morning (6 am morning, ick) then driving. I'm excited. I have needed to get away from here for about a month and a half. I won't get away long enough.

After I get back though I have to be more serious about looking for a new job. I like the hotel. . .but it just doesn't pay enough.

I'll write about the trip when I get back.

a new day

I feel better. I'm tired from working 10+ hours a day the last two days but I'm going away for the weekend so I'm looking forward to that.

I went to church Sunday. And right up until I was leaving the parking lot of my apartment complex I wasn't sure where I was going. I ended up at Dave's church. I decided that, at least for that day, that I didn't have the energy to go to a totally foreign church hoping I might like it. I purposefully got there late so I could just slip in and not have to do the greeting part (still the most uncomfortable part of a service for me). I didn't see him except for when he sang a solo during the offering. And even then I didn't really look at him. It was good hearing him sing though; he did a really good job. He's gotten a lot better since his church camp days.
Anyway it was a good service. I'm glad I went. I was shaking the entire time almost but I am really glad I went. I needed it. I needed to be able to go, worship the way I wanted and be able to say to God that I was going to depend and trust in him. Cause I don't have anything else. It's just me and God now. I don't know if I'll continue to go to church there but I might just so I can get to a place where my life doesn't feel so upside down. The truth is though, I really like it there. It seems like the kind of church that could become my church, even if it is an AG church (it doesn't really seem like it most of the time, honestly). I've never really had a "my church" before. So we'll see.

This weekend I'm going to Illinois for a few days. Saturday I'm going with my mom to a Cardinals game. My dad was supposed to go but he ended up scheduling a wedding. I was disappointed. Going to a baseball game with my dad has always been one of my most wonderful childhood memories. But it's ok, there will be other times. Mom and I will have fun. She's been so great the last few weeks, just being there for me, I'm grateful that we'll have some time to spend together. I see so much of her in me. . .sometimes whether I like it or not. I'm a pretty strong mix of both of my parents actually. Anyway before the game I'm going to buy a Cards t-shirt cause I've never had one before. And depending on how much it costs, I'm going to see about getting a stuffed Fredbird at the Build-a-Bear workshop that is set up before the game! I saw a picture and it's adorable. I really hope they win. . .they've lost the last like 5 or 6 games. That would suck if the first game I go to in like 3 years they lose.

So. . .I feel like I'm doing better. Going to church helped. I'm really trying to do the whole depend on God thing. It's difficult, I've never been good at it. But here goes. The whole situation still sucks but I know I'll be fine. I'll make it.

Hurt

I am hurt. I hurt. The part of my brain that controls emotions is working overtime. Then the tears start flowing. I can't stop them.

The other day, the first season of 24 (Dave's favorite TV show) was on sale at Target. I almost bought it. That was going to be one of his Christmas presents.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to be all alone here. I thought it was real. I really thought it was real.

I don't know what to do. I don't like being this way. I wish I wasn't.

I keep wondering why he doesn't want me. Why doesn't he love me? And if we weren't supposed to be together then why did this happen? Did I miss some huge sign?
I just don't understand. Everything seemed to fall into place...

And now. . he doesn't care. It isn't anything to him that I'm not in his life anymore. He can go on and be fine. And me? I'm stuck. I have thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt that I have no hope of being able to pay unless I get a really good job. And I can't go on to grad school until that happens. I don't have anything to look forward to. Right now everything seems hopeless. Ok maybe not completely hopeless. . I'm sure eventually I won't feel hopeless...but the thing is I miss him so much. And I still love him. And I HATE that I'm the one who is crying AGAIN. It took me 3 years to get over the last guy and that was almost nothing. What if it takes that long to get over him? And this was a lot more (at least it seemed like it). I mean, it was more. . .I think so anyway. . .see now I don't even know.

I went to the animal shelter today. There weren't any dogs, but there were a few adorable kittens. . .I can't decide if I want to go with getting a cat again or if I want to save my money for a yorkie. I really want a dog but they cost at the least $400 and at the most $2000.

it just hurts being here. I can't afford to move anywhere. I don't know what to do.

ok so. . .

ok maybe it's not fair of me to say he doesn't care. I don't know really if he does or not. Most likely, to some extent I'm sure he does. In fact I'm sure he does. . .

I don't think either of know what to think right now.

Oh my gosh

The seasons premiere of Grey's anatomy is TOMORROW. And I am going to miss it!!!! It just hit me! And I can't believe I'm going to miss it.

Wake me up when September ends

I love that Green Day song. It's perfect right now. Right now though I just wish it was June so I could leave Kansas.

I gave up living with some pretty good roommates, cable, internet, and rent lower than what I'm paying now along with a washer & dryer. I also had a chipotle nearby, TOTT, and New York & Company.

I have to miss the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. And Gilmore Girls. I'm paying more for rent now, I have to pay to do my laundry, I have to find a good chinese place, and there is no New York & Company. There's no Whole Foods Market here either.

Right now that's all I can think of. I can only think of how much I gave up to be here. When I thought I was getting married (or at least in a long term relationship leading to that) it was all worth it. No cable? No big deal, Dave gets ABC through his antennae. I was going to get him hooked on Grey's. We were going to watch Gilmore Girls together.

He plays tennis at my apartment complex. MY apartment complex! And of course I ended up seeing him yesterday because I brilliantly decided to check my mail. Then I returned the drill I borrowed from him. I wanted to act all cool and content but I said a quick "here's the drill" and walked away. I couldn't even look at him. It's not fair. He was supposed to be playing tennis with me. It's not fair that I'm the one alone out here. Still crying. Still all turned upside down. AND HE'S FINE. He doesn't care that I"m not apart of his life anymore. HE DOESN"T CARE. I saw him yesterday and even though I had had a good day I fell apart. I couldn't keep the tears in. But him, oh no, it doesn't matter if he sees me. Doesn't faze him a bit. He can go on and be fine. It's not FAIR. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to get my heart broken AGAIN. I wasn't supposed to be left out in the cold, all alone, working at a stupid job that doesn't pay enough, having to find a place to go to church and find friends. AND I CAN'T. Even when Dave got divorced, he had friends here, he had his kids to keep him going, he had a church to go to and people to be there for him.
I don't have ANYTHING.

And the worst part of it is. . .I would do anything to have him back. I have to fight against myself everyday to not call him.

I can't wait until September is over. And October, November, and on through June.

This sucks. BIG TIME.

What a day

Yes I changed the name again (but aren't you glad I didn't change the address?). I realized that Little Studio is more of a tribute to the Little House books. And trust me, the studio is LITTLE. Ok, ok I know most are but I seriously need a bigger place. Of course, all 6 of Laura's family probably lived in a place smaller than this at some point. Whoa. . .

Anyway, today started off as a crying and wallowing day, then became a "I have to buy groceries and do all this normal life stuff" day, then I came home and ended up talking to my mom for awhile. It ended up being a good conversation...there have been times the last few weeks that she's gotten on my nerves but she's really been there for me over the last month. Oh yeah, and for the 25 years before that. Anyway...we talked and I ended up realizing a lot of stuff about my relationship with Dave. Dave was determined that I needed to have my own life here. And he was right I do need that. It always seemed though he expected it to happen instanteously or at least after only a few weeks. Well, as wonderful as that might be, it's unrealistic. Neither of us realized how hard it was going to be for me to move here. And it was and still is. I mean I am still learning how to get around. I really don't know my way around; I know the little ways to get to places I go. There was one time we went to this pizza place and for the life of me I would never have been able to tell anyone that it was right next to Wal-Mart. I figured it out a few weeks later. Anyway, what I needed was someone who was going to be understanding and supportive of the fact that it was going to take time to feel comfortable in a new place. He tried sometimes, but my way of settling in wasn't his way, I don't think. He wanted me to get out and meet people right away and that is something that takes me time to do. And when I was going to his church I had more of a chance of doing that. He was always insistent that I "get out of my comfort zone" and get to know people. But I was thinking the other day that none of the people I am friends is because I was anyone other than who I am. I didn't have to be someone I'm not. Somehow we met, we clicked and got to know each other. Heck the same thing happened with Dave. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't or get out of my comfort zone (the whole idea of the comfort zone thing is irritating anyway, it's like saying people who aren't super-outgoing and easy to get along with are lepers or something, but that's a whole other issue). Dave has a job that forces him to be outgoing, which is fine, but I can almost guarantee that the people he is closest with are the people who know that he is not always the outgoing people person he has to be a lot of the time.
I didn't have to be someone I wasn't with Dave until I got here. I was still the same person, I was just an unsettled and feeling somewhat in need of something familiar and comfortable me. He couldn't handle that. And to a certain extent I couldn't handle it either. I didn't like it. I can take care of myself, I know that but when I first got out here I needed someone who was going to be there for me even when I wasn't the strong independent woman. I just needed someone who understood how difficult it was. And he did try, I think, but I think we had different ideas of how that was to be done. He has very much of a problem-solver personality and feeling like there's nothing for him to do to fix the problem is hard on him.

Most of you that know me know that I am NOT the super-outgoing, perfect, perky Christian girl. And most of you really appreciate that about me. It seemed Dave appreciated that about me too. Even though, when I got here, I started getting a different impression. It was ok for me (sometimes) until I was around people he knew, until I was at his church. I have found out that I have a method of becoming comfortable in a new environment. I stick to myself and observe at first. I see how people interact. I observe what is going on. Then, slowly, I begin to open up. And it seems that naturally I start gravitating towards people who I become interested in spending time with. That started happening and then, of course, ended. I was disappointed. And in the time I started gravitating (ok I was still in the very beginning stages of gravitating) I realize that I was not trying to be anyone but myself. And unless they were just being nice, they seemed to think that was ok.

I don't like being fake. It's hard for me to put on a smiling face when I don't feel like smiling. And it's hard for me to be convinced I should smile whether I feel like it or not. That's just the way I am. I'd rather be real. Real about who I am, how I feel, and what I think. Right now I feel like crap. Depending on God isn't easy right now and I usually have to choke out the words "I will trust you" and it takes all the strength I have to do it. Yesterday I yelled at God. If I have learned anything over the last few years it's that I have to be honest with God. Even if it means being angry at him, I have to keep communicating. He knows that. He can handle that. No, breaking up and being in a new city isn't the end of the world but it is still hard. God knows that praying and reading my Bible is hard for me to do. In fact most of the time the Bible pisses me off. God knows that about me. And I know he'll help me work through it.

I know I can be hard to get along with and sometimes difficult. I can be selfish and lose my cool. But I also know that I am a very caring person, I love to do new things, I take joy in things that are familiar (like starbucks and reading the little house books for the zillionith time), I love doing things for people (even though I knew I didn't have to, I loved helping Dave around his house), I get excited about watching a baseball game, I get worked up and upset when I see someone getting treated unfairly, I think thunderstorms are beautiful, I love to sing, I feel a a twinge of motherly love still when I think of those four wonderful kids, I get irritated by people who drive stupid, I feel a wave of joy and at the same time, sadness when I think of my friend who is pregnant (more joy than sadness). I can be super sweet one minute and a bitch the next. And you know what? That's ok. I want the sweet times to out number the bitchy times but if I want to be bitchy I'll be bitchy. And this all is ok. It's all who makes me who I am. I am passionate and caring, sometimes ditzy and like a little child, full of wonder and excitement. I am a person who wants and deserves someone who is going to care about me through all my ups and downs, through the times I am weak and times I am strong, someone who is going to woo me with notes, e-mails, voice mails, & flowers (I have realized that getting a dozen roses from a man is something I really want someday). I deserve someone who will stand beside me, respect me, and who will make me feel loved and cared for. I thought Dave could be that...I hoped he could be, for awhile, to a certain extent he was...sometimes I kinda wish he still could be. But I have to hope that God is not going to leave me out in the cold with the whole marriage and family area. I desire that and if God really wants to give me the desires of my heart. . .then I have to keep believing it'll happen someday.

I'm still very sad about all this. I don't like that I have lost someone I had just gotten back. I don't like that it seems like it is so easy for him to forget about me completely, whether it is or not. I don't like that I am so alone out here. I wish I could see him. I wish I could get a hug from him. I wish I didn't think that I wish I never found him again. Or at least that I wish we didn't become so close. I hate that we never got to go to a baseball game together. I wish that hearing the first few chords of fishin in the dark last night didn't almost make me start crying. . .if I wasn't going into a gas station I probably would have. I want to be able to remember how much fun we had even if it didn't last very long. There are songs that I will never be able to listen to without thinking of him. I will never be able to check the score of a Cardinals game or watch one without thinking of him.

And of course, as long as I live in Kansas I will never be able to wake up without remembering why I moved out here. And how it didn't work. That part stinks because every morning I just want to cry and transport myself somewhere else. Oh well, hopefully that'll pass with time.

Ok time for a brownie.

One month

It has been one month.
I'm not doing too well right now, I must admit. I don't care about being strong or trying to be ok. If I stop to think too much I just start crying. Or I get angry.
I tried going to church today. I stayed about 15 minutes. I couldn't stand it. All I could think about was how I was supposed to be at a different church. I was supposed to be at with Dave or at my church in CO. I shouldn't be having to look for another one. I had found one. And then I decided to leave to be here. And then I had the hope of having a home church. With people around me that I could get to know and be friends with. And now that's all gone.

And quite honestly I have a very strong F#*& it attitude right now.

People keep saying that I'm lucky. I'm young, unattached and now I can do anything I want. I'm sorry but that's bullshit. I've been young and unattached for awhile now and I'm damn sick of it. And now what? Do I stay here? Do I go back to CO? Do I go to IL? (I really don't think I want to do that) Right now I'm broke. I have no money. I really can't afford to move. If I stay here, I may as well stay so I can go to school and get in-state tuition. But if I don't want to go to school here I need to go to CO so I can get in-state tuition there. If I have to wait a year to move then that puts me a year behind. Of course, with my job situation I need that year to make up for the credit cards I'm not able to pay off right now.

I can take the MCAT in January now that they've got the computer based test. That gives me a lot of time to review and study. Of course then I'd have to take physics. If I do nursing, I'm basically only going to get a second bachelor's degree although there are always nursing jobs everywhere. Physician's assistant is a two-year program and I do a lot of things doctors get to do & get paid better than nurses. There are three classes I'd have to take though.

All of this though. . .I don't care. I can try to go through my life being the modern career woman but really I don't care. I feel like the one thing I have always wanted was dangled in front of me then ripped away. And now here I am, alone, angry, and depressed. A state that I really really really didn't want to be in again, especially so soon after feeling like I was doing better. And that's the thing I was. I thought I was. Meeting Dave was a continuation of that happy thing. But no, why would I actually be able to be happy?

I don't know how to be ok here. Everyday I wake up I am reminded of how everything went wrong. How I gave up so much to be here and now I am all alone. I thought I had found someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone I could have a family with. Someone who would love me and be there for me. Someone I could love and be there for.

I was wrong. And it sucks. It hurts. It makes me never want to trust any man again. It makes me never want to trust how I feel about anyone again. How can I? I am always wrong. It always seems to be real. Then it is over. And I'm the one who is crying and alone.

I don't even think he cares about me at all.

I miss him.

Perspective

I wrote this yesterday but the internet messed up so it didn't get published and I lost what I wrote.

I have a hard time with perspective. I means who cares that I broke up with my boyfriend. A lot worse things have happened. I mean, two days was the 5 year anniversary of the World Trade Center/Pentagon attacks. A day that thousands of people have to remember as the most horrible day of their lives.
I have friends who have lost parents, and other important people in their lives. The only person I have lost was my 90 year old grandmother.
And breaking up with Dave is nothing compared to the fact that he's been divorced. I can't even imagine how hard that is and then having to raise 4 kids on top of that.

Yes, the fact that I moved adds to the difficulty of this break-up. And I have lost someone. Someone that means so much to me. And I lost 4 little people too. I don't like thinking that I wish that I never found him again or that I became friends with him. Unfortunately I kinda feel that way right now. I hope that doesn't last.

I bought Anchorman the other day. He loves that movie. One time, when I was still in CO, I watched it and we typed lines of the movie back and forth. It was fun. I can still watch the movie. And it just makes me smile. I'm glad of that. There are a few other things that I hope I can do, listen to, and watch someday without it being too hard.

At the end of the month I'm going to go to IL. I'm going to go to a Cardinals game with my dad. It's one of the things that I always remember doing with dad. What's funnny is Dave is going to at the same game. I really wanted to go to a game with him. That was one of the things we were going to do together.

I know I'll be ok...but it's just hard. Everything is messed up and upside down and confusing. I want something to look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything. . .just the hope that my life will not always suck. Someday I'll be happy. I was happy for awhile...finding Dave added to the happiness. I thought that would continue longer than a few months. I'm tired of being so unhappy. And right now I just don't know how to try to be happy. Half of the time I feel like I'm going to explode. I am just so alone here. There I go again losing perspective. I'm healthy (I'm sure if i started drinking some water instead of soda all the time I'd be healthier), I have a job (even if it doesn't pay enough), I have a roof over my head, people who love me, etc, etc, etc.

The thing is though. . .the one person I want to love me, doesn't. And right now that seems to overshadow all the things that I'm supposed to look at and be thankful for.

Guess I'll still work on that perspective thing.

New church #1

For the first time since Dave & I broke up I didn't have to work on Sunday morning and so I got to wake up and pick a church to try. Any of you that know me, know that going to new churches is one of my least favorite things ever. Before I left my apartment I almost starting crying. Well I did start crying actually but stopped so I wouldn't mess up my makeup. But after church, however, the tears flowed freely. I tried a United Methodist church. It wasn't horrible...very traditional which I don't totally hate but I'm too much of a singer to want to go to a church that sings like 2 songs and then barely sings them. I like guitars and drums. I want them at church. I like pianos and organs too but I really want the guitars and drums. And not in the "this is the cool thing to do so we're going to try it whether we're good at it or not" or the super "mega-churchy" way.
I got home and was just thinking about how I had just gotten to the point where I liked going to church and I liked the church I went to in CO. I loved the music, the preaching, and taking communion every Sunday. I liked being able to go on Saturday night when the crowd was a little smaller and more informal.
And now here I am starting from scratch in like every aspect of my life including finding a church, once again, on my own.
I liked the idea of having someone to go to church with when I first got here. I liked the idea of having a church home. I was getting to the point where I liked going to Dave's church. I liked the people I met, I liked the preaching and if I sang loud enough I could shut out the music leader's annoying voice. No, going to an assemblies of God church wasn't my first choice necessarily but it wasn't as bad as ones I had been to. There wasn't a "only those who speak in tongues will inherit the earth" mentality. And after hearing how supportive the church had been of Dave and his situation it sounded like somewhere I would want to try. So now it's just frustrating having to find a new place. And I'm in a place that seems to either be super super Bible belt traditional or trying to break into the mega-church business. I already looked to see if there was an evangelical Presbyterian (the kind of church I went to in CO) church here but there's not.

Well I guess I'll find another church to try next Sunday.

new name, new look

So as you can see I changed the name of this blog and the look. The URL is the same though (to make it easy for you all). I figured it was time since I'm in a new stage of my life. A stage I'm really not enjoying right now. I'm staying alive by watching hours of Gilmore Girls, munching on parmesan garlic chips, and drinking dr. pepper. I really want to get back on the healthy water-drinking, blood-type diet track but right now it's not working too well. Oh well. Tomorrow I'm going to make myself at least go walking. Last time I tried playing tennis I killed my arm all over again. And my knees hurt.

So here's to my life on the prairie.

Happy & not-so-happy things

There are many wonderful things that make me happy and things that make me not-so-happy.

Let's start with the not-so-happy: realizing your ex is really a jerk. I had hints (especially after I got here) and some people mentioning things to that effect but I never really believed it until yesterday. He never bothered to call me when he found out that my truck was dead. I left two messages asking for his help. I was really hurt that he didn't even bother calling me back. I talked to him online and told him this...the best he could do was say that he called a few people to see if anyone could help me. I really wanted to be like "oh gee thanks that's wonderful, that makes me feel better" in the best possible sarcastic IM possible. I didn't. It was upsetting that the one person I thought I could count on to at least offer help (knowing that I don't have many people out here to call) is, in fact, someone I can't count on at all. He didn't care that I needed help at all. I didn't think he was that kind of person. So after that happened and after I talked to a trusted friend, I began to realize how selfish he was during the relationship and how selfish he continues to be. I'm still thinking through all of that.

Ok saying all that one of the things that makes me happy is knowing I don't need him at all. Turns out that my battery was dead in my truck. I got someone from the hotel to take me to and from work and jump my truck (which was the first step in figuring out what was wrong) and then got a ride to wal-mart to get a new battery and then changed it myself. It makes me happy that I can do things like that.

It also makes me happy to eat chocolate creme Oreos and milk. And to go to Krispy Kreme for donuts. The hot now sign wasn't on but then I walked in to find that there was hot donuts! I ordered two but then got an extra free one! Woohoo! So I got donuts, a bottle of milk (which I used for the oreos).

Oh! Oh! And it makes me happy when Target sells the DVDs of Gilmore Girls for under $20! I already had the first two seasons and so I bought seasons 3 and 4. I would have bought 5 but they were out. I'll have to go to the little Target.

I know I will be just find here. If I have to stay until my lease is up, ok but I know I'll be ok. Without the guy who did not, in fact, treat me well. He knew he didn't which is why we had to break up. At least I can be thankful for that.

And it just keeps getting better

Ok, ok, ok I know that compared to what other people have to go through, my life doesn't seem too horrible. But I also know there is no point in minimizing my feelings. They're a big deal to me.

My truck is dead. I just drove it like an hour ago and now it's dead. What's even better is I was supposed to go to work tonight. And of course the only person I know to call to see if I can get a ride is Dave and he didn't answer his phone. I don't even know if he's in town.

And of course it's a holiday so I can't rent a car. However I probably will tomorrow. I have to have a way to get to work. And hopefully Dave will be a friend and help me with my truck.

To be perfectly honest, I am not doing well. Right now I can handle the whole busted relationship thing but the being all alone out here and feeling so upside down and messed up I can't handle. And my truck doesn't help at all.

I hate being all whiny and miserable. Over the last year, I was getting over being miserable. . .I was hoping I could continue getting over it and be happy for awhile and maybe avoid the depression thing for awhile.

oh well.

I'm lonely.

I want someone to hang out with. And not just anyone.

I wonder if he even thinks about me or wonders about me.

Does he pick up his phone and think about calling me like I do? I doubt it.

I miss him.

Did I mention I'm lonely?

making this life work

I think the thing that makes this so hard is not necessarily losing him (even though that definitely does suck), is that I am so alone here. I uprooted my whole life. Right now it's hard even thinking that it was worth it. I mean is the whole thing about it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all really true? It doesn't feel like it. I mean the the relationship didn't even last 3 months. I just don't know if all this, falling in love, moving, all this hurt, was even worth it. I could've stayed in CO and been fine. I mean even if I would have found him again was it worth it to even get to know him and fall for him? I just don't know. No point in worrying about that now.

I had an actual good conversation with him the other day. I told him that even if I would've waited to move we might have been going through all this anyway, it would've just taken longer for the rose-colored glasses to come off. I still look back at everything and I don't think I would've done anything differently. I really really thought. . .

I've been good about trying to go to the park and walk and play tennis although it gets old playing by yourself. And I get frustrated when I can't even get the ball across the net. Oh well.
I treated myself to double stuff, chocolate creme Oreos...I realized it is fun to put milk in a martini glass to dunk the oreos.

I have to find a different job. The hotel just doesn't pay enough and it's not going to do me any good. I may try to stay there part-time. It would just mean some extra money for one thing.
I have to get serious about getting my life together out here. It means finding a well-paying job, deciding what to do about going to grad school, and stop depending on my parents for help. I hate that I still have to get money from them. I hate that I know I have paid $20,000 a year for an education that has led me to work for $8 an hour. Ok I know that is a little typical but still I don't want to do that. I have to find a better job and get this whole adult life in order.
I have to be ok. I have to find a life here. At least for now.

Right now there's only one reason for me to stay here and that's the reason I can't think of (getting back together with him). Since I'm here I may as well plan on possibly going to grad school here. I'd be able to get resident tuition. If I go somewhere else like back to Colorado I'd have to wait (to get in-state tuition) or pay an arm and a leg to go.

I realize there isn't anywhere I really want to live unless it's here with Dave someday or I want to go back to Colorado. Ok maybe I'd want to live in NYC but I could never afford to live there.

I think it's time for the park. My arm hurts from playing tennis so I think I may just have to walk.

Small

It is amazing how something so small can end up just making you fall apart all over again.
And that thing is the fact you are no longer at the top of someone's list on their stupid myspace profile. It was like getting punched. And just made me start crying again and feeling like I couldn't breathe.

I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm doing better but then I look around and I realize you are ALL ALONE. I moved to freakin Kansas for a relationship that didn't even last 3 months. And he is somehow ok. He's not wallowing or thinking about me. He doesn't have time. I do though. I have a lot of time to wallow. I have time to remember that I gave up mountains and TOTT (restaurant) and an awesome church to be with someone who now doesn't even want me. And I'm sitting here so alone just wishing I could hear his voice again. Wishing I could feel his arms around me again. Wishing I could hear him tell me he loves me.

This sucks.

Bored

Ok I really am doing better and feeling better about everything except right now I'm just really really really really bored.

I have TOO much time to just sit, be bored, and think. And I don't like it.

And right now the one thing I want to do is call him up and ask if he knows that the Cardinals are tied with the Cubs in the bottom of the 8th inning. There's no one else to be excited about the score of a baseball game with.

When we first started talking I told him that I'd probably never actually call him. . I'd be too nervous. I'd stare at my phone having an argument in my head about whether I should call him or not. That never happened until now.

I need to figure out how to occupy my time. It gets tiring watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls and Friends. I went to work this morning at 6, finally left a little after 3, came home, took a nap and then just sat around doing nothing.

There's a lot of stuff I want to do. At some point I want to go to the Little House on the Prairie cabin. It's only like 125 miles away! That'll be exciting. I'd go tomorrow since I have the day off but I wouldn't have enough money for gas, so I'll have to wait on that one.

I do need to finish reading Pride & Prejudice and Lord of the Rings. . .and I haven't read my Little House books yet this year. I always try to get through those every year (I will never get tired of those books).
Maybe I should start trying to write one of my own.

I could start knitting a scarf for someone for Christmas. I have red yarn left over from one I started last year.

And I do need to clean my apartment. Maybe I'll get around to that tomorrow. And go play tennis again.

I know there are so many people who would love to have as much free time as I do right now. I'd do anything to have more to occupy my time.

Feeling better

I'm feeling a lot better. A LOT better. I realized that I had a really bad attitude about all this. I was behaving like something really bad had happened to cause Dave & I to break up. It had nothing to do with us not liking each other anymore or even us deciding we were totally wrong for each other. It is just a matter of it not being the right time for us to continue the relationship.
I also had the attitude that he was doing things to purposely make me mad which is also not the case. He still cares very deeply about me. We're both very disappointed about this. And we don't know what's going to happen.

Anyway so after I realized that I was having a very bad attitude about this I started feeling better. Work has been so fun. The last few days before work I went to the park and walked/ran(!) and played tennis. I made curtains (and hung them myself, yes that means I used a drill!) which I just realized one is longer than the other which is going to drive me nuts but not nuts enough to fix it. (ha!)

So yes, I am feeling better. I'm doing things to begin to feel at home here. I'm doing things on my own and living my own life. I know that it will take some time, but I think I will be ok here. I know I will be.

I talked to him today for a few minutes and it was a good conversation. We talked more like we had when we first met (well re-met). I know it'll take some time to be actually comfortable around each other but I think we could get to a point where we could be friends like we were before. We both still care about each other very much. We have too much history to just throw it all away.

So like I said I am doing a lot better. I feel like I'm starting to just have my own life here and more at peace with the situation.

Of course I still miss him, he's the first person I want to call when there's something I need to tell someone, and I miss his arms around me but I am feeling a lot better. I am starting to be happy. And it feels good. I was ok being single before I met him and I can go back to being ok again.

One of the things I love about living here is the thunderstorms. In Colorado, even with dark clouds and thunder there was no guarantee of rain. Here it's guaranteed. You can watch the clouds roll in, the thunder rumbling, and lightning flashing and know the rain is on its way. It's wonderful. I was so excited about last night's thunderstorm. It made me happy.

Seeing my curtains that I made on my own make me happy. Now if I can actually manage to get my apartment clean I will be really happy.

I wonder if anyone is on the tennis courts. . .

Unglued

I hate being this unglued. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't even want to talk about it but it was a bad day.
And it only kept getting worse.

I didn't expect this to be so hard. And it's only a break-up! I know eventually I'll be fine but I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.

Stupid

I just feel stupid. I know that really I'm not but I feel like it. And I feel stupid because I feel like I have no choice but to have an "everything's about me" attitude. I liked getting away from that for a little while. I liked being able to do things for someone. But now. . .
I forgot people's anniversaries...there are people who are going through a lot worse than I am and I just make them hear about my pathetic life. Ok, yes, they care and they want to know. They know I'm hurting and want to be here for me. I admit it has been nice to feel cared for even from miles and miles away.
I still just feel selfish sometimes about it.

He won't be reading this anymore...he said I deserve to have a place to express how I feel in the way I want. Which is true, I do deserve it. But the problem is I want him to read this. I don't know why but I do.

Oh well.

You know one thing I do like about Kansas is the fact it actually rains here. In CO it would cloud up, thunder, and maybe even lightning but it would maybe sprinkle or rain for about 5 seconds. This morning I woke up to a wonderful rain storm. I stood outside and enjoyed it for awhile and let my toes get wet.
I'm off work Saturday; I think I'm going to try to go to a nearby state park. There are supposed to be some hiking trails. I like hiking. Maybe getting some time alone in nature will be helpful.

I don't understand why all this has happened. Everyday I have to wake up and make the choice to still trust God and whatever the hell he has planned for me. I'm sick sometimes of not knowing. And it's very hard to be friends with him right now (as tracie said) but I'm still going to try. I tried to find a church with a Sunday evening service last night. It's so overwelming! There are so many freakin churches here. I don't know where to begin. It really stinks to be back at a place where I have to find a church again. . .I loved Lookout Mountain. And I really liked Dave's church, for the most part. And there are a few people there that I was excited about getting to know but now. . .I don't know if I'd be comfortable going.

Ok i really need to get ready for work. I can't wait for my day off tomorrow.

I didn't expect this

Yesterday I talked to Dave. He probably won't read this anymore which maybe isn't a bad thing. Something I wrote again made him upset. I still don't really understand why. I know he doesn't think I hate him...and I know he is upset about this. I also don't understand why he has talked to me the way he did. He sounded so angry and just like he couldn't stand me. I never meant anything that I've wrote to be hurtful or against him in anyway.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I feel like there's some things we should talk about. I told him that but. . .he hasn't responded. I told him that I would stop bothering him. It just hurts so much to think that he would ignore me especially after he has said things that makes me believe he still wants to be my friend. I guess maybe I just overthink everything. So I'll just chill. . .leave it alone. Leave him alone until he's ready to talk.

It's just so hard to love someone so much and be so afraid to talk to them.

I feel like I'm doing better. Work has been good the last few days. I actually like working there I just don't make enough money. Tonight I went to the movies and saw Little Miss Sunshine. It was a movie at the Sundance Film Festival last year. It's wonderful! I highly recommend it! It's hilarious, off-the-wall, touching, and just great.

I know I'll be ok. I am still trying to figure all this out. Figure out what my life is now. I told my mom to stop telling me that she is sure we'll end up together. I can't think like that. Whatever promise she feels God has made to her, the same one hasn't been made to me. If it doesn't happen and I sat here believing it then it would just hurt so much more.

It sucks to know that it's not normal to talk to someone that you talked to everyday over the last few months. It's hard to think that anyone else could be as perfect for me than him. It's hard to not want to just always keep the picture of us on my desktop. I took it off but put it back on . . . I guess that's weird huh? I'm just not ready to get rid of it yet.

Tonight he got online and off real fast. .. it's hard not to think it was because he didn't want to have to talk to me. Especially when it says on myspace that he's online. But like I said I'm just going to leave him alone. If he wants to talk to me, then ok that will be fine. If not, then I am not going to bother him. I'll continue to pray for him and hope he's doing ok.

That's another thing I never got to do with him. Pray with him. We never once prayed together. I thought about that a week or so ago and decided I wanted to the next chance I got. . .I just never got another chance.

I miss my friend.

back to wallowing

Ok so I was doing fine until I tried to go to bed. Then I realized that today is the first time in just under 5 months that I haven't talked to him. Now the tears won't stop. Only 5 months. That's it. It only took 5 months for this to start, flourish, and fall apart.
I hate that I haven't heard his voice or seen his name on my buddy list today. I hate that I have no idea how his day went. I wish I could call him to say hi and see how he is today. But I can't. I'm afraid to. Even though I'm sure he's asleep by now what if he isn't? What if he answers and he sounds annoyed that it's me on the other end?
I keep remembering all the things we did together and the things we wanted to but never got to. I never got to dance with him again. I never got to go to a baseball game with him. I never got to go for walk with him after I got here. I never got to read to him like he said I could. I miss his arms around me and the look he had when he seemed so in love with me. I saw that look one time in the last. . .I don't know maybe 3 weeks, almost a week ago.

I miss him so much. The one person I want to talk to, be near, and cry on the shoulder of is the one person I can't.

Ok I'll try to go to bed now. I guess I should just get used to crying myself to sleep. I'm sure it'll be a normal thing for awhile.

Mexican food & margaritas

I have the tendency to want to make all my feelings public except to the person that it probably matters the most. I posted something yesterday but deleted b/c it ended up being more hurtful to Dave than I had intended (not necessarily what I wrote but the fact I was so willing to be public about it). Interestingly enough he ended up reading it before I could delete it anyway. Unlike he keeps saying I don't hate him. I can't even if I wanted to. He didn't do anything to hurt me except realize he wasn't ready for a relationship. We both had been so excited and so sure that the fact that we've broken up is hurting both of us.

Wednesday I was devastated and wallowing. Yesterday I was pissed. I was angry. Today has been a little better. There were a few times while driving back from the airport I almost started crying but later, especially after finding out I was still being considered for the job I interviewed for, I started feeling better. If I find a good enough job it would be easier for me to stay here. I still want to go somewhere for at least a few days. I wish I could go visit Val but I guess if I couldn't then I could go to Illinois.

So I knew eventually I'd go to the liquor store and get something to drink. I haven't drank since I've been here. I wanted to wait until I wasn't crying as much though. So, since today was a better day, tonight was mexican food & margarita night. So far I've had a couple of shots and just one margarita. And it's only like 5:30! I'll slow down and have another drink later. Good thing I don't have to be at work until 3 tomorrow! I'm also enjoying a movie, Grease. I wish I could be in a musical. If I was in Grease I'd want to be Rizzo cause she's so different than I am. Playing Sandy would be too easy. Ok so maybe given the fact that I've downed two tequila shots so far I'm not that different than Rizzo. HA! ;)

Tonight his radio station was hosting a Chris Rice concert before the AA baseball team's game. I had actually been looking forward to it all summer since I heard about it. I like Chris Rice. I'm a little sad that I have to miss out on it. Even if he said I still could come I'm not sure I would want to. I'd be there alone and I don't know how I'd handle seeing him. I talked to him yesterday and that was hard enough.

I miss him.

I wanted to write more yesterday but I just couldn't. And now I am up early enough that I figured I'd sit down and get some stuff out before I have to go to work and make myself stop crying.
This sucks. This really sucks. My whole life has just been turned upside down and I have no idea how to make it right side up again. I am all alone out here. I thought maybe in time I'd get used to living here and grow to like it; that was when I had a reason to be here. Now there's nothing. The one person I know is the one person I can't talk to anymore. My one friend I had is the reason I am so upside down now.
So there's no one. Val invited me to come to visit her sometime. I may try to do that. I just feel so stuck here! I signed a freakin year lease for my apartment and now I'm stuck. I feel more stuck here than I did in Colorado. Except I'd do anything to be back there now. How crazy is that? I mean everything seemed to fall into place for me to move here and then I got here and then the shit hit the fan and it was all over it seemed before we could even catch our breath.
I hate this. I hate that here I am barely able to keep from crying, I'm devastated, I'm more alone now than I have felt in a really long time and he. . .he feels bad. He feels bad that he hurt little old Jodie. The little girl from camp.

He said he just wasn't ready for a relationship like he thought he was. I know he's been through a lot; I'm not diminishing what he's been through but it still really sucks.

And it's hard not to just be angry at myself for thinking something good was actually happening. I just feel so stupid. And now here I am stuck in Kansas. I'm starting completely from scratch and I have no idea how. I can't believe my mom when she says she still thinks we're meant to be together. I can't. I've done that before and it just hurts all the more when you know it really won't happen.

I can't believe this is happening. Funny, I said the same thing when it started.

Not much else to say except. . .

it's over.

Mediocre

I feel very mediocre today. I took the assessment tests for the job I interviewed for. I don't think I did very well. I've taken those kind of tests before but. . .these were more difficult and different than what I was used to. So I don't know how well I did.

Oh well. I guess I'll just stick with being at the hotel and get a part-time job as a waitress or something. I'm going to have to if I stay at the hotel. oh well.

I guess I'll keep looking. I feel like I'm too qualified for the job I have now but not qualified enough for jobs that would pay me what I need.

A little tidbit of news

So I wonder what would be cheaper. Getting internet at my apartment or continuing to come to Panera. . .it's free but I always get something to eat or drink...hmmmm.....

The place I went to for an interview called me back to set up a time for me to take some tests. I have to test for Word, Excel, and typing. And some personality test or something. Yikes! That could be scary! HA!

I hope I can do well. This job would be a lot better than what I'm doing now. Working at the hotel isn't that bad really; I kinda like it, I just need to earn more money. And it would be nice to have a more normal schedule. I went in at 3 pm yesterday and was supposed to leave at 11 but didn't leave until after midnight. At least I got to take a dinner break. I've only been able to do that a couple of times. I never count on getting a lunch break or leaving when I'm supposed to. In fact I'm shocked when it happens.

I am (slowly) settling into life here. The other day I realized I was having the wrong attitude. I was telling myself that my life was on hold until I got more settled here. But I can't think like that. I mean, this is my life. It's happening. I can't have the attitude that I'll start living when I feel more at home. I had that attitude for so many years and I missed out on too much.

It's hard though.. ..I mean there are only so many times you can go shopping by yourself without buying something (and that's something I have to stay away from). And I don't have cable or internet so I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and Gilmore Girls on DVD. Except I only have one season of each of those so I'm getting through them pretty quick. I have to figure out more ways to occupy my time. Oh well I'll get there eventually.

I'll write about the job when I find out something. If I don't get it I'll just keep looking. If I stay at the hotel I'd have to get a second job. If I get this other job I may see if I could stay at the hotel just PT and work a few evenings or something.Who knows.

Ok bye!

So many thoughts

I have so many thoughts running around in my head that I don't know how to get them all out. And unfortunately my internet access is sketchy. . .today I'm at Panera (it's right down the road, score!!!!) but I can't come here too often or I will have no money.

Ok so the basics: I'm working at the hotel and the last two days have been the main shuttle van driver during my shift which means I get tips! Woohoo! I averaged about $20 a day the last two days. Woohoo! That means I have money for a few necessities and some bills as well.

I have an interview tomorrow at a dental insurance company. It's a sales assistant (mostly all administrative work) position and I'd get the kind of money I need which would be GREAT. So we'll see about that. Even though the hotel hasn't been that bad it doesn't pay enough and I'd love to avoid having to get two jobs.

Working has helped me feel better about being here. I didn't feel like myself (Dave definitely noticed) and just felt uneasy about everything. And I was being super clingy and needy because I don't really have my own life here yet. But, now, I'm feeling more settled and gaining back my independence. I'm not going to be hanging out at Dave's as much anymore. It was getting hard on both of us because on one hand we were really comfortable but at the same time our relationship is new enough we were missing out on dating each other and continuing to let our relationship grow.
It's hard though, because neither of us know how really! Neither of us have had too much experience with actually dating someone and having a good healthy relationship. So we're going to try not seeing each other as much which will mean we have to be diligent about making plans to get together and just enjoy dating one another instead of playing house.

And even though I'm ok with Dave's kids, I was starting to realize how much time it's going to take me for me to actually be ok with being a mom right away. I have a lot to learn. They're great kids. . .they surprise me a lot. Jonathan is adorable and as much as Dave probably hates that I do, I love picking him up and giving him a big hug or carrying him somewhere. It's hard to resist his big adorable eyes looking up and saying "I want you." A few days ago, Josh and I pretended we were laying underneath the stars and saw shooting stars and made wishes. Every couple of wishes, the wish would be for a hug or kiss, which the other would happily oblige. Katie has come over to my apartment to spend the night and we just have fun watching movies and getting away from the crazy boys and having girl time. And Caleb. . .well. . .he really is a great kid but life has dealt him a lot of crap early on that he'll be dealing with for a long time. Every once in awhile he'll surprise me and give me a hug.

I think no matter what happens, I'll be happy here. I'm glad I moved and have this chance.

I even like the AG church Dave goes to. It's not too bad. Sometimes on the verge of being too charasmatic for my taste but I like the pastor's sermons and I've met some people that I think I'd like to hang out with. In fact I get to go play tennis with Dave and another girl from church tonight.

Which means I must go now.

Write more soon.