Well!

Well!
I'm tired. Today was a long day and tomorrow probably will be crazy too. And then I get to work this weekend. Which is good. I've enjoyed the nights I've worked so far. It's good to be back.
We have a nice new blanket of snow here. It's pretty except I just hate driving in it. I slid a little this morning and then all I could picture was me spinning in the middle of the road and eventually either running into the holiday inn, blockbuster, or another car. I managed to make it ok though.

So cool thing of the week: I was reconnected with the guy that was pretty much my best friend when I was like 5. Before that really. He was my next door neighbor in Grafton, I don't really remember not being friends with him. Me, him, and Aaron made quite a team always getting into some kind of trouble. One thing I remember very clearly was us hacking into the gigantic tree in our front yard and basically killing it. We pulled off the bark and just kept going. And when there was a flood, we fished from our front yard. We'd run up and down our driveway with dollies (you know like to move furniture) and bikes pretending we were driving cars and trucks. Charlie always pretended we was driving a big-rig. Anyway, he managed to find me on myspace so we've been reminiscing. It's fun. He's in the army and is in Iraq now.

It's fun remembering that part of my childhood. . .it was all fun and pleasant pretty much. Sure we'd do something, get in trouble and then we'd pick right back up where we left off after the punishment ended but overall it was great.
When I lived in Hartford, I'd drive up through Alton, up the river road, and through Grafton often when I wanted to get away and remember a place that was always happy. It's changed a lot. Our old house isn't there. It was destroyed in the flood of 93. They built a new grade school recently. I don't have a hometown at all. And if I was a native or long-time resident of Grafton I probably would've grown to dislike it, as I end up disliking most small towns, but it was a pleasant place to be when was 4, 5, 6 and 7 (for awhile).

One of the things my mom has constantly said over the last few months is "reach out to God," and "seek God." Last night she said it and I told her to shut up. Ok maybe I didn't tell her to shut up, that is a little harsh. But I did tell her to just stop saying it. I'm sick of hearing it. All I can say is that I'm trying and trying the only way I know how.

And not that it's any surprise but really I'm not doing too great right now. Work makes me want to scream. I think working at the hotel again will be good; I at least like the people there. Most of the people at the cable company make me want to roll my eyes constantly. Ok really just one or two but that's enough. Plus it's boring. Oh well.

As much as I wanted to go to church last week, I totally didn't want to today. I finally made myself get up and go. It was ok. . .after the service there was this thing called lunch with the pastors. So I went, ate fried chicken, green beans, and salad and met all the pastors plus a few people from the church. It was good. They just told us about how the church got started and its vision and stuff. I also met one of the guys that leads worship and he told me about the young adult Bible study. So I guess I'll look into going to that.

I'm trying to be ok. Right now it's just not working all that well.

I start back at the hotel next week. Monday to be exact. I'll work a couple nights a week after my regular job then on the weekends, which is a relief.

Today I bought the book The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I always liked the movie and always wanted to read the book. I love it! I just sat and read it all afternoon. I definitely like the book better than the movie but still like the movie. . .in fact, I decided I would just go ahead and watch it now. Now I want to read the rest of the books!

So I took a closer look at my lease and it says it is actually up on the 31st of JULY. JULY! The so-called 12-month lease is now actually 13 months?! What the hell is up with that? I signed the lease at the beginning of July. I'm going to ask about it. I can't believe I may actually have to stay here a month longer.

I feel suffocated.

Kudos to me?

Being Made's comment from my last entry:

You know.... maybe instead of regretting the decision, you should give yourself some kudos.

You were willing to take a risk, to take a chance. And you did it for the greatest motivation of all--Love. Does it totally suck that things got all messed up, yes?

But.... you took the chance. You were brave enough to put yourself out there.

That's something a lot of people can't claim.

So maybe after this risk you will be more careful... and that will be good too. Hopefully this will help give you more wisdom to discern these tricky situations. But I hope part of you will always be willing to take a chance for something that could be really wonderful, even though it may mean risking really terrible heart-ache. Love is ALWAYS a risk. And you were brave enough to take it. And that is something that you should *not* regret

Maybe sometime I'll be able to look at it more like that. Sometimes I do but lately it's been hard. But the thing is. . .I don't know how willing I'm going to be about ever taking the chance again. I know there's always the possibility of being hurt, even if the relationship works out. I know even if I end up finding someone and getting married that won't mean days of being sad and lonely won't happen. I definitely won't walk into it lightly that's for sure.

Sometimes it just all comes back and I can't help but sit here thinking I would give anything to talk to him, to see him...sometimes I sit here thinking I really wish my mom would've been right.

But then I get bored thinking of all of it. I know I should just let myself feel how I feel. I guess I just will. Things won't always be like this.

Forget regret

I have watched the movie Rent twice this week. There is just something about it that is inspiring to me.

Tonight it is making me think of just wanting to live my life and making the most of it. It's hard right now to do that. It's hard for me to figure out how I can make the most of the time I am somewhere I don't want to be. And I hate sitting around being sad and replaying everything from April until now and regretting most of it.
I moved out here, taking a chance that it would mean that I had found someone I would spend the rest of my life with. The gamble didn't work. I don't know why I thought of him one and then found him on myspace and we ended up talking so much and eventually thinking it could be more. I don't now why everything worked out so well for me to move out here. I don't know why everything seemed to immediately fall apart once I got here (well I have my theories but I won't go into that). I don't know why I had to move all the way to Wichita to figure out that he wasn't right for me.
But the thing is I can't do anything about it. I can't go back and make different decisions. I had no way of knowing what was going to happen and how thing were going to end up.
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

I can't keep regretting all this stuff. I can't regret re-meeting him. I can't regret falling for him. I can't regret not doing things I wanted to in CO like climbing a mountain. I can't regret decisions I've made about money and my attitude towards wanting certain things. I'm always changing, growing, and learning. I'm getting more and more used to just not doing things like going out to eat and going shopping. I'm enjoying simpler things like talking to my friends and family and taking walks in the snow. I just want to be able to be content where I am and whatever my situation is. I want to be able to enjoy my life in all its stages even if it's hard.

E.L. Fudge. . .

. . .cookies are good. I bought some today. Although I think I should've gotten the double stuffed ones. Oh well.

I'm watching Mary Poppins; it makes me happy. It reminds me of being a kid. When I was little, my brother and I would try to do the chimney sweep dance. It always makes me smile.
And I love the part when Mr. Banks gets fired. Over Christmas I watched it with my parents and my dad always laughs like the old man when he gets told the joke about a wooden leg named Smith. :-)

Well I'm going to start working part-time at the hotel again. I went in and right away the manager was excited and have me back. Between the temp job and the hotel I'll be able to make the money I need. I'm actually looking forward to it. I missed working there. I liked the people I worked with; we had a lot of fun.

Things seem to be looking up; I'm feeling better about things. I think I'll be able to be more content here especially if I'm doing what I need to do to pay my bills and stuff. And plus it'll leave me less time to think. Thinking can be really bad especially when you do it too much. Especially when you're not thinking of anything beneficial.

Ok back to Mary Poppins and my cookies.

I woke up this morning worried that the roads were still going to be bad and covered in dirty, slushy snow and I'd be unable to get to church for the third week in a row. Two weeks ago I was sick, last week ice pellets were falling, and this week it snowed. I really missed going actually. So after checking a local news site to make sure there was still going to be services, I went outside to see if the roads had been cleared. They were! I figured as long as I could get out of the parking lot I'd be able to make it. And I did. I was very glad I went. I do like the church...although I still miss my church in Colorado. I miss the music most of all. The music here is good except most of the time it's just a guitar, a piano, maybe a bit of drums to keep a beat but I really got used to the music at Lookout. It was more lively and well, loud. I like loud.
But anyway I do like the church I've been going to. Today was supposed to be youth Sunday but becuase of the weather some kids weren't able to make it so it was postponed. One of the associate pastors spoke; he preached about time. . .how we spend it, how we should make the most of it and not waste it.
I had been thinking a lot about that lately. I feel I do nothing but waste time. The free time I have is used doing nothing. . .watching TV, using the computer, and a lot of the time being depressed. And I really am getting sick of it. Of course, like I decided yesterday, I am going to get a 2nd job. If I go back to the hotel I can work a few nights a week plus Saturday and Sunday.

Another thing I want to start doing is getting involved in some kind of ministry. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the problem of poverty and homelessness and can no longer ignore the fact that I see people looking in trash cans for food. There is a United Methodist ministry here in town called Open Door that I'm going to call to see about getting involved in. I don't know what I could do considering I looked at the website and the stuff like the soup kitchen and the place they have for people to get clothing are only open on weekdays when I'd be at work. So I don't know. I've got to do something and not just because I don't want to be sitting around doing nothing but because it just seems like God keeps nudging me and wanting me to get going with serving Him and His people, somehow. I still am unsure of what, exactly.

I watched Rent last night. I love the movie and someday I hope I see the stage production. If you haven't seen it, it takes place from Christmas Eve 1989 to the following Christmas Eve. At the time, the characters lived in "Alphabet City" in Manhattan, i.e. Ave. A, B, C, etc. It's the lower east side and it was filled with a lot of homeless people, "squatters," junkies. . .basically a very unsavory area. Not a place you'd really want to be after dark unless you lived there. Since then the area has cleaned up a lot...now Manhattan isn't as dangerous but now you have to be rich just to live there. Anyway, the movie takes place around the time when AIDS and HIV became a big deal. The author wrote it because he had so many friends that were dying of AIDS. In the movie, four of the eight major characters have HIV or AIDS. Near the end the character Angel dies. He is an amazing drummer and a drag queen. There is a scene in which his boyfriend is holding him while he is shaking and coughing on the subway, then later in the hospital where he dies. The first few times of seeing this I was in tears. It reminded me of something I read in a Focus on the Family pamphlet about homoesexuality. Right when AIDs became such a big deal, the majority of people with the disease were gay and the majority of the Christian community in America used it as a way of condemning people, saying they were being judged for their behavior, instead of saying "how can we help? how can we take care of you? and we're here for you." The scene in the movie of Angel's friends (essentially his family) taking care of him, visiting him at the hospital, and being at his funeral telling different stories of things he said and did are all examples of things Christians should have and should be willing to do. It makes me think of Matthew 25:35-40.
I can't keep ignoring passages in the Bible like that. I can't keep thinking that there is nothing I can do just because I don't think I have anything to give or won't be good at whatever it is I try to do.
I guess I still don't know exactly what to do though. Guess I'll keep thinking and praying about it.

I had a long talk with my parents today. It started off fine, just told mom about the snow and how I took a walk in it (it was great). Then I looked at what I realized was a statement about my student loans that I got in an e-mail. I had been wondering about the loans I took out for CCU...I knew I should have to start paying on them soon. I was right and I'm already at least two months behind. I got freaked. I had a bit of a meltdown earlier this week and I started having another one. So on Monday I'm going to go to the hotel and see if I can get a part-time job there. If I can't get something there, I'll try for something else. I think if I get something for another 20-25 hours a week, I can make enough to cover everything. Plus it'll take up more time. I have too much time on my hands to think anyway. Somehow I have to find a way to keep up with stuff and actually pay off my credit cards. I've been doing pretty good at not using them with the exception of some Christmas gifts and last month's cell phone bill...they're all cut up at least. And now I've been pretty good at staying away from shopping websites. As long as I can limit how often I get cravings for Sonic and Chipotle I think I'll be able to do pretty good.

And after seeing more of what it may be like to actually work at the cable company I may look into trying to get an actual job there. I could do the customer service/sales stuff or maybe even work at the call center. I'd get a base pay and commission. Plus free cable and internet. Plus benefits. And working there now as a temp has at least gotten my foot in the door. The only disadvantage is the fact that if I did do that then I'd basically have to stay here. After going through the training and everything it would be dumb to just leave. I told my mom flat-out that I hate the idea of finding a decent job here because I don't want to have a reason to stay. She said (and she's right) that I really can't afford to think like that. So somehow I have to try not to look at it that way. I guess if I have to stay here I will. Ugh, I hate the idea of that so much.

I know I'll be fine. Right now it's hard to actually believe it. Right now I still feel like a huge trick was played on me and I just keep getting laughed at. And it's all my fault. Except I know it's not really. All the stuff that made Dave and me not right for each other, I wouldn't have known unless I lived here. If I had waited to move here we might have had to find all that out after we were married. That wouldn't have been good. I still don't like that all this happened with someone that I had already known...I don't like that I have bad memories associated with him now. I hope it's not always that way. It would be nice to get to the point where I can look at the good stuff and just leave it at that. It would be nice to get to the point where I could just stop missing him. I will eventually.

Haircut woe

I have not gotten a haircut since the end of September. I haven't had the money until now to get one. And then I made the mistake of going to a chain hair salon. Fantastic Sam's. As soon as I walked in I thought "oh no, I shouldn't do this." You can just tell when walking in by looking at the place and the people there that the $10.25 I would be spending would be a waste. And indeed I was right. I stayed because it was a hassle to get there in the first place because it is snowing wildly outside (which means again I'm stuck inside all day). I sat down and the lady didn't even ask what I wanted done, she just starts putting on the cape and grabbing her scissors. So I explain that I just want a trim (which translates into taking about an inch off because it's been so long, my split-ends are horrible). She looks like she's barely paying attention and just starts chopping. And I discovered that I am very annoyed when people aren't paying attention to cutting my hair and they are instead just chatting away to the other people at the "salon." At one point she was just holding a section of my hair, turned around and started talking to someone about a certain kind of car. It was painful to watch how she was cutting my hair. I really wonder if she really went to beauty school. I think the license that was scotch-taped on the mirror was fake.

I knew I should've called an actual salon. I wouldn't have been able to go to any of the really good ones but I probably could've gotten away with going somewhere, even if it was the JCPenney salon. Oh well. This will do for awhile and then I'll just save up some money to get a good haircut. I'm still dreaming that eventually I'll have long, flowy, layered hair like (i'm embarassed to admit) Lindsay Lohan's. But seriously the girl has good hair. Except when it's dyed blonde.

Anyway. . .I am about to break down and buy season six of Gilmore Girls. I wanted to wait until Target had it on sale for $20 again but I don't know if I'll be able to hold out. I'm almost done with seasons 1-5 for the 4th time. And I'm bored with all my movies. And I realized the other day that I lost my copy of Ocean's 11. I don't know if it ever made it to Kansas. I guess I didn't miss it too much considering I just figured out that I don't have it anymore.

5 months, 10 days.

I finally got to start taking payments at the cable company. No more directing traffic! Woohoo! I did mess up someone's payment today though. It got fixed but I felt bad.

Whew! I've sat around here most of the night just chillin out but now I'm getting a second wind. I'm in a good mood tonight.

and now. . .it's time to turn up some music and do some dancing! Pretty soon the jeans that are on the verge of being too big will be REALLY too big! Woohoo!

So. . I learned a few things this week. They are:

1) Steak isn't really that great when not cooked on a grill. Loads of A1 sauce helps a lot.
2) It is possible to ruin mashed potatoes to the point where they taste horrible. I blame my smart balance butter-like spread and my attempt to be creative and make garlic mashed potatoes.

And my beef craving still isn't going away. I had to talk myself out of going to sonic tonight. And I'm still talking myself out of it.

I think I'm going to have to break down and get a part-time job. I may go back to the hotel or try for Starbucks. I'm making enough money to cover my bills and buy food but I'm definitely in scrimping mode. One mis-spent $5 and I'm screwed. Plus working more will take up more of my time so I'm not sitting around being bored.

That is one of the hardest things right now. . .I have no idea what kind of job I want to try to get. I thought about applying for a job at the cable company but I'm apprehensive about that because it's all sales and customer service. And that kind of thing just isn't me. . .I could do it but. . .I don't know. I really like when I've worked in an office with a smaller group of people.

And whether it's a good attitude or not I admit that I don't necessarily want to get a regular job here because I don't want any reason to have to stay here.

I guess I'll figure something out eventually. Only 5 1/2 more months.

Steak & books

I'm craving steak. A nice, big juicy steak covered in A1 sauce. I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the craving without actually getting a steak. One thought was getting a steak burrito at chipotle but even that doesn't sound good. I'm tired of chicken & rice and salad. Oh well maybe the craving will go away.

I have made a list of books that I am making it a point to finish and/or read this year. Here they are:

*The Scarlet Letter
*Pride & Prejudice
*Emma
*Sense & Sensibility
*The Two Towers
*Return of the King
*Six Tales of the Jazz Age (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
*In Our Time (Ernest Hemingway)
*Les Miserables
*Stores, poems, and plays from my college Literature book
*Introduction to Theology (from my intro to theology class)
*Religion in American History
*A Theology for the Social Gospel
*Christianity & Liberalism
*Engaging the Powers

So I'm going to read all those books as well as start studying for the MCAT (I figure I'll shoot for taking it sometime after the summer) and finish my brother's scarf. I really should try to get that done before the winter is over.

Maybe all this will keep my mind occupied and keep me from wishing it was already July so I can move and get on with my life.

time to laugh at myself

hehehehehe
so apparently I have comment moderation set up...and I had no idea. So I haven't gotten any of the comments that get made. Val informed me of it. Which makes me feel better. I was beginning to feel like a loser. Now I just feel a little dumb. . .hehehe no now I'm just laughing at myself.

You know what is SO good? Godiva dark chocolate truffle hot chocolate and popcorn. It's perfect for staying in on a cold wintery night. And tomorrow I'm making wonderful fudgey brownies.

I hope the roads aren't too bad tomorrow, I want to go to church. (I still am amazed that I WANT to go to church, it baffles me) I didn't go last week because I didn't feel well and well I didn't like it. I guess if I can make it to the bank I can make it to church.

Cold

gee I can't even get comments if I beg for them.

It's cold here. I spent last night wearing multiple layers of clothing, wrapped up in a blanket watching a movie. I must admit being cold makes me wish I had someone to cuddle with. But really the down blanket works just fine. I'm thankful I have it.

I also think I've managed to get a cold too.

A while back I mentioned that I read the book Blue Like Jazz. I have been rereading it, this time a little slower and letting it sink in more. There's a chapter about loving yourself and how Don (the author) went through a time where he was really down on himself. He did his best to love other people but thought it was, in some way, wrong to love himself. So he always put himself down and when other people tried to love him he couldn't except it. He didn't believe it. And it also made me unable to believe the God loved him. His head knew it but it didn't make it to his heart. Then one day he remembered what Jesus said: love your neighbor as yourself. He was able to see that the way he treated himself was the same way he had concluded it was wrong to treat other people. He realized that in order to really love people he had to love himself and be able to accept love from others as well.

Last year at about this time I was getting more to the point of realizing that I couldn't keep putting myself down. And it wasn't wrong to actually be confident and love myself. However, now, I realize that I still base how I feel about myself on what I think other people think of me. I still let other people define me instead of letting God do it. When D liked me it made it easier to believe that God liked me too. However, now that he doesn't it's hard not to think that God doesn't really either. My head knows that's ridiculous but you know .... I'm working on it. I know God still is head over heels about me, and no matter what my life holds, he's going to be with me every step of the way.

Ok time to decide if it's worth going outside in the ice to get some cold medicine. Maybe I'll just take NyQuil and go to sleep.

leave me a comment

Not that I have a lot of lurkers that read my blog but apparently its national de-lurking week. So leave me a comment....especially because I never get comments. Put a smile on my face :-)

Just some random stuff:

I'm going to start taking payments at the cable company. It'll be interesting to see how it works because I can't help people if they have a question about their bill or problems with anything. I can only take money. But it could be a good thing because if I get the hang of it, it could lead to an actual job at the company, then I get free internet and cable! Oh and know how I wrote some stuff about the other temp and how she doesn't do a very good job? I'm not the only one who notices. Most of the regular employees don't like her much at all. I told one today "I was just hoping people would notice the stuff she did and didn't do, I wasn't going to be a tattle-tale." It was good to find out things did get noticed.

I enjoyed my Godiva truffles on my birthday.

I got my Kansas driver's license. Well actually I got a receipt-type piece of paper that serves as my license until the actual one gets mailed to me. I got to the DMV at 8 am and was out of there by 8:15 am. That's gotta be some kind of record. And since I got out so quickly I treated myself to some Starbucks (using my wonderful christmas gift card).

I am not crazy about the fact that Bush wants to send more troops to Iraq. I don't think we can just leave. . .but it doesn't seem like things are actually happening to help make Iraq an independent country. I don't think sending more troops are going to make that happen. But I also admit I don't know all that much about it. However, I am leaning towards the not wanting more troops over there...

I've been thinking about a lot of different things lately. Some of which I'll probably be writing about soon. I want to get away from the "my life sucks" stuff that seems to be pretty normal lately. I don't like it. It's boring. And maybe it'll help me stop thinking about D. and C, K, J, and J. But mostly D.

I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 am maybe. . .only to wake up by 5 or 6. . .fell back asleep after an hour or so and woke up again at 9:30. I tried to fall back asleep but by 10:30 I gave up.

Ok let's be honest right now I'm miserable and I don't know what to do about it.

A year ago things were getting better. I was feeling better. And then. . .less than a year later I am back to where I was a few years ago. Seems as though I will never stop doing idiotic things.

I keep thinking about wanting to write. . .like a story or something but I have no idea what.

Damn it, I just want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling like my life has no purpose and that I'm of no importance. I want to stop thinking about him. I want the next 6 months to go by as quickly as possible (quicker than the last 6 months). I want to get through one day without calling myself an idiot for moving here and actually believing the relationship was real and would actually work.

I just want to get to the feeling better and getting over it part.

Apparently I'm going for the goal of writing something everyday of the year of 2007. Oh wait no not really. If anything sometime I hope that I don't have much time to write because that would mean I actually have a life. But for now here I am writing everyday.

Two things. . .first the good - I treated myself to a movie today and saw Night at the Museum. It's funny. I like it. I want to go to NYC. One pic of the city and I'm hooked and dream of the day I will be walking in Central Park, eating a Gray's Papaya hotdog, looking in the shop windows of the designer stores on Fifth Avenue, seeing Times Square, going to museum after museum, seeing as many Broadway shows as possible, going to the top of the Empire State Building, then immediately thinking I was crazy because I'm terrified of heights...oh everything. I want to do every touristy thing plus more.
Ok so I started writing about the movie. . anyway it's really good. I needed a lighthearted, funny movie and it was perfect.

I needed a lighthearted funny movie because I'm frustrated with how I've been the last few days. I've been too emotional. On one hand I'm glad I didn't fly off the handle about the whole mail fiasco but on the other. . .I'm frustrated that I'm still sad. And I still think about wanting to talk to him. I just want to get over it and move on. It's frustrating that I haven't been able to yet. And its irritating that one thing I've been thinking of is how his daughter's birthday is coming up...and I really wish I could get her a card and a gift. But I can't...as much as I have to forget about him I have to forget about the kids too. Its really hard trying to get over 5 people at once.

Oh well. . .it's time for my birthday celebration pizza. Tomorrow is Chipotle and then Monday. . .Godiva chocolate truffles. And possibly some ice cream.

Oh My God

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes
and all the fear that keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing
what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
that the pain is worth the thunder

-Jars of Clay "Oh My God"

Bored

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored.

I need to work on my brother's scarf. It's still not done. But lately it's been hard for me to sit still. Knitting would mean sitting still. And there are some books I need to continue reading but that means sitting still as well.

My mom had to overnight something to me so I can go get a new driver's license. It didn't get here. I had to go to the post office to find out if they could locate it. It hadn't even gotten to Wichita yet. I was surprised at myself. I remained very calm throughout the whole thing. Usually this was the kind of thing that would send me into hysterics but not today. I pleasantly explained my situation to the postal worker, thanked her (genuinely) kindly for her help and then just said "well I'll see if it gets here tomorrow." I really needed to get it so I can go get the license...mine expires on Sunday. But hopefully I'll go on Monday or Tuesday at the latest. Oh wait they're closed on Monday. The only problem is if its expired I have to take a written exam...I'm sure they won't be nice and let me out of it, even though it'll only be expired for one day. Oh well. I already have the handbook downloaded in case I need to study.

But I am just glad I didn't throw a fit about it all. I'm just calm about it. And those that know me, that's saying A LOT.

I'm bored. I haven't been sleeping too well the last few nights. It takes a long time to fall asleep then I wake up every few hours, sometimes even just when I move, it seems. Then when the time comes to wake up, I can't. And I really don't want to get out of bed. Waking up knowing that a day of aching feet and complaining people is ahead of you, its hard thinking there is any good reason to actually get out of bed.

Oh and I've tried to be nice when it comes to the girl I work with but she is getting on my nerves. She goes on breaks that end up lasting 25-30 minutes, is always late back from her lunch break, and isn't so good on the customer service front. She usually just sounds rude. And she ends up getting so concentrated on what's on TV that she's oblivious that people are walking in the door. Which as long as I'm not doing anything its fine but if I'm helping someone make a payment it doesn't work too well. Today she told me at one point that she was going to go outside to catch people before they came in, then almost immediately I saw people walking in with equipment so I had to redirect them, looked outside and she's nowhere to be found. And she'll voice her comments about how annoying people can be when there's a room full of people standing there listening to her and she's not quiet. I just think that's rude. Oh well it's really not our fault that the plan of making the lines easier to manage isn't working too well. Sometimes there's only 1 person taking payments and then people still have to wait a long time. Of course, it amazes me how many people think they have to make their payments in person. And in cash. They just carry hundreds of dollars in cash with them. It's crazy. Then they stand there and complain about how long they have to wait. Ever heard of the mail? Or paying online? Or spending the $1.00 to get a money order? I think a buck is worth the time to not spend in a line.
Oh well. That's just me.

I had this lady today that just kept saying that the payment kiosk wouldn't work and wouldn't give her a receipt that it took the payment, even after telling her over and over that it posts right away and it gives you a receipt, saves time, etc. Well after she had waited in line a good 30 minutes and saw me run about 6 people through she decided she'd try it. I've had a couple of people like that, they just like to complain about everything and try to make it all more difficult than it really is. I just want to get them the heck out of the building quicker so I don't have to listen to them. HA!

Ok so what other random streams of writing can I go through to keep me from being bored? OH crap I need to get my niece a birthday card. I guess she'll have to get it late. I don't know what to get her at all. Re-gifting the necklace I got from mom for Christmas would probably be in bad taste since she got one almost just like it. There was someone else I thought about giving it to but. . .that goes against forgetting certain things.

I got a Starbucks gift card for Christmas. I haven't used it yet! How crazy is that? I keep trying to wake up early enough to go before work but I haven't yet. Maybe tomorrow. Of course, I have all this coffee at my apartment I haven't used yet either. This morning I managed to make some to take with me on my drive.

Ok now I'm getting bored writing. Maybe I'll go continue reading Matthew. Or as I like to call it the "Jewish, male-chauvinist" gospel. Oh well, it's still not that bad ;-)

Ok that's enough of my mindless rambling!

heavenly...

I decided that it would be ok to start celebrating my birthday a little early. I bought chocolate. Godiva chocolate. And it was on sale! Woohoo!

It's good.....

a lot on my mind

"January 1, I've gotta a lot of things on my mind." -Jars of Clay "Dead Man (Carry Me)"

Ok so it's not January 1st anymore but yesterday I did have a lot on my mind but I couldn't get on the internet so I'm writing about it today.

But really I have a lot on my mind so I'm not sure where to begin. . .I could probably have about 5 different posts about everything.

Ok well first of all, I have a new love. A wonderful, sweet, good-for-me love. And juicy. ;-) Pomegranates! Oh my gosh, I LOVE pomegranates! I had had the juice a lot before but never the acutal fruit. Well when I was in IL my parents had some and I tried it and it was absolutely remarkable. So I just had to get a few of my own. The fruit itself resembles corn kernels and its like eating candy. I can just sit and eat a bunch of it at once. Which, of course, is ok because its a good-for-you fruit. The only bad part is apparently you can only get them from October to January. So pretty soon there will be no more pomegranates :-(

The last few days have basically sucked. I tried the best I could to at least not think about the fact that Sunday was New Year's Eve. I made a pizza and had some Italian wine (I found the best liquor store that has wines from all over the world, next I'm going to try one from France, then from Spain, then from Australia and Argentina) and watched some movies. Went to bed early.
I awoke at about 2:00 am after having a freaky dream. I was lying in bed (in my dream), and on the wall was this bright red search-like-type light. I was thinking "this is only a dream" the whole time. Then I got up and tried to get rid of the light but I didn't have any hands and so then I jumped up trying to get out of the room but couldn't. I was trapped. I couldn't get out. Then I was trying to make myself wake up. Finally I did and I even gasped as soon as my eyes opened. It took about an hour or so before I could go back to sleep. It still freaks me out. I just had a horrible feeling of being trapped and stuck and unable to get out.

I had a long talk with my mom last night. I told her everything from feeling alone and trapped to many of my thoughts about faith, God, and my life. I told her how I keep thinking about the kind of Christian I want to be but have really no idea how to get there. I talked about my views on American Christianity and how its tendency to put people down, to judge, and to so willingly exclude certain people from the love of Christ makes me angry. I want to be someone that is real, honest, and able to show people who Jesus really is. Who knows if I'll ever actually be able to be like that though. The kind of Christian I want to be is so much different than what I grew up with. . .different even from the faith of my sister and her husband (who really are deep down so conservative and closed-minded it drives me nuts, oh but there I go being judgemental again, I'm making so much progress, eh?), different from the faith of my parents, my brother (which still baffles me). . .I still wonder if its ok though...
There's always this attitude of do "this, this, and this" and you'll have a personal relationship with Jesus. You have to read the Bible everyday and pray a certain way. Guess what? It's never worked for me. If I don't want to read the Bible, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I make myself anyway. Sometimes I lay in bed talking to God just about everything. Then sometimes I lay in bed yelling at him. Then sometimes I lay there silent because I am tired of talking or there aren't many words I can get out. I stopped being afraid of telling God how I really felt a long time ago.

Do you know that lately its been hard for me to even say the name Jesus, like when I'm praying or talking about him? I'm not sure why. It was hard just now to type it. I think maybe I'm still a little scared of it...everything the name signifies and means. Scared of the meanings I still do not know. "And these days mercy cuts so deep." (that would be another Jars of Clay reference...their music just somehow always hits me)

My birthday is next week. I have to go get a new driver's license which will be a Kansas one (ugh). And I decided that since I'll be spending my birthday alone I'm going to treat myself to a movie (i have no idea what though there are a lot out that I want to see) and dinner. It may only be Chipotle but I'll definitely treat myself to something. And I may have to get myself a cupcake or something. OOO or I could get some Godiva chocolate. They have some at Barnes & Noble. Now THAT is a plan! I hope they have some truffles.

I'm trying not to be depressed...about the still being here thing (and still feeling like even though I want to go, I'm supposed to stay here) and the turning 26 thing (and feeling like my life is going nowhere). It's hard. Yesterday I did not do a good job about it. But oh well.

In the next couple of weeks I'm going to see about getting involved in a bible study at the church I've been going to. And possibly joining the choir. I miss singing. Oh and I found out that the pastor I thought was a Catholic priest is actually Episcopalian. And he's working on a Ph.D. in New Testament Theology from the University of Durham in England. He spoke about a passage from Matthew (about the Magi) on Sunday and so that got me into reading Matthew. He threw in all these different historical and theological things which I loved. Now I hope I get to sit and talk with him sometime. He seems very interesting but also intimidating. I always wanted to talk to my theology and Biblical studies profs at CCU but never managed to.

Anyway. . .

Here's to the journey I've been on for the last 26 years. It's taken a lot of turns I haven't expected, a lot I haven't been too happy with, there have been instances of joy and contentment. The journey has been painful, I've skinned my knees and had a few bruises. I have laughed with joy and danced until I could no longer stand. And I hope I still have a long road in front of me. I hope it is full of more joy, more laughter, more dancing, more pain and more hurt. Of course I do hope that the hurt and pain thing is someday a little easier to deal with. (don't we all?) I hope that my journey will someday allow me to be me and then forget about myself. Who knows what my life will hold. I guess we'll see.

Happy New Year

Christmas fun

I don't know where to begin. . .

I had a great Christmas. And with the exception of the "I don't want to go back there" mood I was in yesterday, it was a perfect trip.

After I got to my parent's house on Saturday mom and I got to cooking. I made an apple pie. Ok well, I mixed cinnamon and sugar with the apples that my wonderful daddy peeled and sliced for me, put them into the pie pan with the store-bought pie crust (which is really really good), then popped it into the oven. It was absolutely wonderful.
Then I made my chocolate-nutella truffles. It was so much fun! I felt like a kid playing in mud. I got to dig my hands into chocolate, roll it in balls then dunk them into melted chocolate and coat them in crushed hazelnuts. It was so much fun. And more importantly they tasted really good. I also have my dad to thank for cracking the hazelnuts. He's so helpful doing the things nobody likes to do too much. And plus he can do it while sitting in his chair watching TV ;-)
Mom made some things too (including her baklava) and we listened to Christmas music all afternoon.

Saturday night after enjoying a meal of chicken enchiladas (made by yours truly), we all went to see The Pursuit of Happyness. It was excellent. It's an amazing story. My favorite part is when Will Smith's character is at a church during worship and his son is sitting next to him. In the midst of the singing and people lifting their hands, he sits down, picks up his son, and holds him tight. What a picture. I love when Jesus shows up in the movies.

We went to my sister's on Sunday to open up presents then opened more presents later that night after Aaron got off work. I got some fun stuff, including much wanted Cardinals World Series loot. OH! And more to say about my wonderful dad. He got me a DVD with two Cary Grant movies including Charade which I've been wanting for a real long time! I kept wanting him to tape it for me off TV when it was on but he found it on DVD for me. In case you don't know what the movie is, it's the movie that Vivian is watching at one point in Pretty Woman. "did you say marriage license? Oh I love you, Peter, Alex, whatever your name is." Along with Cary Grant, it has Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matheau, and James Colburn.

My neice and nephew are so cute. Morgan loved her CD and Jackson was a goofball when he opened his present. I got him his thing called Illustory. You write and illustrate and story then mail it in and the company makes a hard-bound book for you. Morgan got one from her cousin when we went to Mississippi and you could tell Jackson wanted one too. Well when he opened it, Morgan said "Jackson you got what you wanted!" and then Jackson said, "I didn't really want it, but I still like it." Ha! That boy kept looking at it and talking about it all the way back from Mississippi. I bet he'll do a good job, especially with his illustrations.

There was a candlelight/communion service at Dad's church Sunday night. Mom got a special treat: I sang per her request. She loved it, but of course, I thought I did horrible. I haven't sung in awhile and it was a song that I didn't know all that well and I didn't have much practice. Oh well, I was happy to do it for her. It made me think of how much I miss singing and wish I could do it more often. I don't really have the chance nowadays.

And of course Christmas day itself was great. As usual we went to my grandparents and had a great dinner. Then came time to open presents. It's so funny; we all cram into my grandparents' living room which isn't all that big. I think there were about 20 of us all together. The most fun is after opening presents. We have a wrapping paper fight. I don't really remember how it got started, I think it was when my cousin's kids were little, but every year now we throw wrapping paper at each other. It's the highlight of the day. This year, it seemed to be my uncle's mission (along with my cousin's little boy and a couple of the other kids) to hit me with every piece of wrapping paper he came across. I think the best part is watching my 80-year-old grandpa sitting back in his easy chair with his feet up, collecting wads of wrapping paper with a sly look on his face, then hitting someone square in the head! It's hilarious!

It was a wonderful weekend, although way too short. It was really hard for me to come back. And unfortunately it put me in a sour mood all day. I could barely make it through lunch at steak-n-shake without crying. But I got back ok, work was ok, and I am all unpacked and gettng my apartment cleaned up.

I had an amazing time. I love Christmas. I'm so thankful I got to be with my family.

more blah

In an episode of Sex & the City, Charlotte comments that it should only take half the amount of time you date someone to get over them. So, given her line of reasoning I should've been over Dave by now.
I'm not.
Good thing I don't take what's said on Sex & the City to mean anything.

For the most part I have been doing pretty good. It's getting easier to not think of him (or at least think of him and be completely sad). Yesterday, however, was more difficult. There were tissues involved. I still miss him. Sometimes I wonder if I really just miss having someone to talk to and maybe that's it to a certain extent but I really do miss him.

I know I shouldn't put a time limit on getting over all this but I hope it doesn't take long.

I do have something I'm thankful for about living in Kansas; if I was still in Denver I'd be possibly unable to get to IL for Christmas because of the huge snowstorm today. None of the bad weather came this far east so it looks like I'll have pretty good weather for driving, I hope.

I found a recipe for chocolate and nutella truffles covered with hazelnuts...mom and I are going to try to make some on Saturday. They sound so yummy!!!! I can't wait!

Randomness

It's no secret that there have been many times when I haven't handled all this break-up/stuck in Kansas business very well. And it's no secret that I haven't exactly been the nicest when it comes to my treatment of Dave. And because of something that happened a few days ago, that I won't go into, I've realized I have continued, without really meaning to, I think, to be unfair towards him. Even though all this has been harder on me than him, I know he didn't like what happened anymore than I did. I can go on forever about what all went wrong but it can't change anything. I am still hurt and sad. . .and I think more angry at myself than anything. I hate that I've lost someone again that always meant so much to me.
I know my situation isn't anything compared to others. . .hell, not even as bad as Dave's but I have been better at letting myself be sad but at the same time gain some perspective. There's a girl whose blog I read that is my age and lost her husband to cancer. Talk about putting things into perspective and making you realize life is a piece of cake.

Today I had a very "I can't believe I live in Kansas" day. Although over the last few weeks I've been feeling better I still feel so stuck here. Super-easy or not this job of mine is already getting old. It's amazing how you can point right at a building not even 50 yards away and people still don't know where you're telling them to go. oh well.
Also just my financial situation is frustrating. After I graduated I had it all planned out, I'd work for a few years until I got my credit cards paid off and then go to grad school. I had a good enough paying job, a fairly inexpensive place to live, I didn't have to worry about anything. Now though, I am lucky if I actually have the money to pay all my bills, which again gets me thinking about how if only I wasn't so stupid and irresponsible I wouldn't be in a situation where only getting paid $10 an hour isn't good enough. And it's all my fault. Trying not to worry, trying not to worry. . . .

I want to be able to just be here and stick it out, do the whole trusting God thing and I guess learn something from all this. But I feel so stuck and feel like I'm wasting time and getting nowhere.

But at the same time, I feel like somehow, someway staying here will mean that I will prove that I can make it. And something good will come out of all this. I still think that if I moved to IL I wouldn't have been much happier. And I would've felt like I just ran home crying with my tail between my legs. Who knows. I definitely feel like staying here was the right decision even though I seem to question it quite a bit. I guess it's just because I want something to be stable and certain and not much is right now. Except for the fact I will be here until June.

Christmas is almost here...I'm so excited. I just had another viewing of White Christmas and may have to watch While You Were Sleeping tomorrow night. I'm all ready for the holiday except Aaron's scarf is still not finished and I have no idea what to get my brother-in-law. I'll think of something I suppose. I'll get to spend most of Saturday at my parents'. I think I will have to see about making some apple pie or some fudge or something. Last year I made a really good cake. Hmmmm oh my goodness what about fudge with ferrero rocher crumbled on top? OH MY GOSH that sounds good! Or truffles. . .hmmm! OOO I"m getting excited!!!

And I also decided that someday I want to make hot buttered rum. I've always wanted to because of watching White Christmas.

Here's to. . . .

1) Here's to the reason I like football. ;-)

Tom Brady is available!!! (that would be the very very good-looking quarterback of the New England Patriots)

2) Here's to not feeling bad about using a dishwasher for the small amount of dishes one person uses.

This last week I ran out of dishwasher soap so I told myself I would just stick to doing dishes by hand. It worked! I kept up with washing them. However, today I got paid and decided if I have a dishwasher, then I should just go ahead and take advantage of it. So I went to buy soap today. :-D

3) Here's to knitting really really fast for the next week or so.

I need to knit. My brother asked me to knit him a scarf for Christmas so I am. He wants it about 6 feet long. I have about a foot finished.

4) Here's to Christmas being only 10 days away!

I'm excited about Christmas. I can't wait.

Cynism rears its ugly (?) head

I think I spelled cynism right.
One of the things that has happened as a result of this whole relationship breakup thing is my doubt about the point of male/female relationships, marriage, and all that is involved in it. I realize that I really have no idea what marriage is. I don't know what the point of it is. It was always this normal thing that surrounded me and in the past few years many of my friends have taken part in the whole marriage thing...I always thought I wanted to take part in it someday myself. But now. . .I'm not so sure. I keep wondering, really, what's the point?

Years and years ago, women didn't have much without getting married. There weren't many job opportunities. They'd be more likely to have to live with parents or other family members, with not much of anything of their own. It was expected a woman get married so they had a man to take care of them and provide for them.
Now, however, a woman doesn't need a man to take care of them and provide for them. They can do it on their own. Job opportunities are endless and women can live fine on their own. The majority of women have established careers before they even think of getting married, if they do at all. Nowadays a single woman isn't necessarily looked at as a bad thing. They get married because they want to not because they have to.

Back in January and February I was getting more and more ok with my single status. I hadn't had a guy interested in me in a long time and I was fine with it. Even now, the lonliness I feel isn't because I don't have a boyfriend, it's just because I don't have any friends around here and still feel a little unsettled here. I know for a fact that if I remain single for the next 5, 10, 20 years or for the rest of my life I will be fine. I will eventually go back to school, have a career, someday buy my own house, and all that other adult stuff (it better include a kick-ass car) and be absolutely fine. I can lead a completely full and meaningful life without being married. I knew all this before the relationship but still I could say that marriage was something I wanted someday. I wanted a husband that would be a partner and raise a family. I felt it was a meaningful and good thing.

But now. . .I'm not so sure. I have realized that I don't really know what the point of marriage is. The only benefit I can think of is, well, the sex part. But, really, one can live without having sex. Nuns and monks do it all the time. It won't be the end of the world if I never have sex. Apparently I'm no good at the relationship thing and really I don't think I want the possibility of being hurt like this again. I'm really really tired of it. It's too much. I'm not one of those women who can just walk away and just be ok after falling in love. But I wonder if any of those women really can just be OK. Anyway, I keep thinking of all the things I want to do and places I want to go and getting married (especially to a guy who doesn't make a lot of money and has four kids) would mean not getting to do that stuff. I don't see the benefit of marriage at all.

Really what's the point? I don't know anymore. I don't know why I would chose to have another person in my life that could end up hurting me so deeply over being single and sticking with being close to friends and family. Yes, I would love to have kids but I don't want to have kids unless I think I could raise them properly. And maybe I just can't. And hell nowadays I don't even need a husband to raise a kid. However, I still think it's better to have a mother and a father....although if a kid doesn't have either, just a mother or just a father is better than nothing.

All this thinking is making me wonder if I'm thinking like this because I've been hurt. . . Or is this because I am going to remain single and need to get used to that fact? What if I am destined to find a husband but this has turned me into being enough of a cynic that I won't ever give another guy a chance? But I really really can't handle the thought of being hurt like this again. I can't stand the thought of some guy coming along, making me think he loves me, then just drops me like wet rag. I can't stand the thought of it. The thought of getting hurt again is worse than the thought of never having sex.

That's cynism for you.

My specialty

I have a wonderful specialty. Something that I'm so good at and will probably always be very good at. Wanna know what it is? Ok, here it is, my specialty: WORRYING!!!!
I am so good at worrying, freaking out, getting totally down on myself, and making myself feeling like a failure and of no use at all.
And then something happens. In this case, this week, it was in the form of a job. I was freaking out and getting all worried because I didn't have a job. I worked 3 days last week. Friday I started a new job through the temp agency. I already hate it. I hope it only lasts a couple of weeks. I stand up all day and tell people where to go to get equipment and make payments. It's at a cable company. The only good thing about the job is that maybe they'll decide they like me and offer me a full time job which means getting free cable and internet. How cool would that be? (answer: very cool) However it would be a job that probably involves working with the general public (customer service, etc) and I don't think I'd be very good at that. The general public annoys me too much. Val told me I need to get a job in research. I am inclined to agree with her.
But even though it's not that great, I'm thankful I have it. I think it'll help me to make contacts and get my name out to some places which will hopefully lead to something more permanent. Even though more permanent would mean staying in Kansas which I would definitely have mixed feelings about. I'm getting to the point where I'm a little freaked about possibly not being able to move for awhile. Maybe that's only because it seems like June is years and years away.

So the freaking out and worrying was for nothing. Yet another lesson in the journey of realizing maybe, just maybe God really is looking after me. And not only that, maybe really actually wants something good for me. Maybe. ;-)

I admit, I am still lonely. Not, boyless lonely, just lonely. I'm going to make it a point to maybe introduce myself to a pastor or two at church on Sunday. There's a dessert brunch before the Christmas concert next week, so maybe I'll meet some people there. And after the new year, I want to get involved in Sunday school (maybe) and a Bible study (definitely). I think it'll be good to be involved even if I'm not here very long.

So things are going pretty good. I don't feel badly about sitting around not doing anything now since I'm working. I'm pretty much completely broke but that will change in a few weeks. I'll make it.

That's all for now.

blah blah blah

I've noticed that I'm not too into writing on this lately. It just feels like I write the same stuff over and over. I'm up, I'm down, I'm happy, I'm sad, I hate stupid boy, I love stupid boy...yada yada yada. All the same stuff over and over.
The same is true with my trying to reestablish the habit of journaling. I gave myself too much of a break over Thanksgiving and it's been hard to get back to it. Yesterday I wrote about how I did not have the motivation to write. I figure there's gotta be something to writing about not wanting to write.

I'm happy Christmas is coming. I only have a few more presents to buy. I have basically completed all my Christmas shopping online. It's nice. Stores are too crowded. It sometimes ruins my Christmas cheer. I wish I had more Christmas decorations. I put some more lights up and I have a buttercream vanilla candle that is absolute heaven.

I have re-started watching my Gilmore Girls DVDs. I really miss having TV. Although I get really tired of sitting and watching TV. I start getting stir-crazy. Then I think of how I'm supposed to be knitting but I only seem to get a few little rows done then get tired of it.

I'm tired of missing stupid guy. It's getting old. I'm tired of wasting my emotions, thoughts, and tears on him. He's not worth it. I've been doing pretty good but every once in awhile it all comes back. I need to remember to tell myself "it's his loss" rather than "why didn't he want me?" It's hard sometimes but I'm getting better at it.

Ok back to gilmore girls

IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!! YAY!!!! And now that I'm done driving in it I can enjoy it. WOOHOO!!!

Thanksgiving highlights!

I had an absolutely wonderful week. There is just too much to write about so here are some highlights:

I ate at Steak-N-Shake twice!!!

My cousin Brian had surgery on his back a week before Thanksgiving (as a result of a very bad car accident last year) and he's doing well. He explained to me what they did which was cool and he at one point made a comment about "dumb Dave," which made my day that my cousin Brian who I really don't know that well would have that kind of opinion in my defense. He went to church camp a couple of times and remembered him. . .and apparently made some kind of not-so-nice comment about him. hehehe :-) I like my cousin. He's pretty cool.

I got to go to Mississippi with my sister, her kids, my mom, my aunt, my uncle, and my grandparents. It was great! We ate at Cracker Barrel for breakfast on the way down there and the way back. On the way back I had my grandma help me organize all the family members. We spent time with many of her neices and nephews (and their kids) that were all the children of just one of her siblings! There were seven kids and all of them had at least 2 or 3 of their own. Big family! We had Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday and there were at least 40 people. Oh and I have a confession to make: there is a cousin I really wish I wasn't related to! What's funny is it's the guy who when he was 5 years old he had a huge crush on me (I was like 11). hehehe, I know I'm weird! Let's just say he grew up to be a very handsome man. . .complete with Wrangler jeans. Oh and it's hilarious listening to them all talk! My Aunt Ruby has one of the thickest southern accents I've ever heard! When I was little I'd start talking like them.

We went to visit a 99-year-old aunt in the nursing home and at one point she said (complete with a Southern accent) "I wish you'd put me in my bed, my butt's startin to hurt!" It was hilarious!! I wish I had a recording.

I got to spend a lot of time with my neice and nephew. My nephew has a personality! He's like a little boy! I can't describe it very well, but he has grown up so much. He still loves to draw and is always doodling on something. He's more outgoing than Morgan, she's still the quiet, sweet little girl she's always been. Of course, being brother and sister they have their moments of pushing each other's buttons but then they do things like rest their heads on each other's shoulders and it's just adorable. They've grown up so much.

Today I put my Christmas tree up, listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra (and downloaded a ringtone of theirs), and cleaned my apartment! It was a very productive day. I watched Meet Me in St. Louis, While You Were Sleeping, and now I'm watching White Christmas for the first time this holiday season. I tried watching it a couple of weeks ago but I couldn't. . .this Dave thing almost ruined it for me (it's one of his favorite movies)! How sad would that have been! But now I'm good. Someday I'll find someone else to watch all my old movies with. It's his loss, I'm wonderful ;-)

Ok I guess that was a little bit more than just highlights. It was such a good week. I loved spending time with my family. It was just relaxing and enjoyable...and I really feel happy. I think it'll be ok for me to be here in Wichita and I'm not going to worry about what going to happen. If I ever move back to IL it'll be because I really want to and it's where I'm supposed to be.

I'm so excited about the holidays!!! I can't wait until Christmas.

Another change of plans

In the days that I made the decision to move back to IL, I couldn't sleep, I got stressed out, and felt absolutely horrible. I kept thinking about having to pack all my stuff up again, making trips back and forth to get all my stuff, and having to clean out the apartment in Hartford. It basically was turned into a storage shed.
I'm not moving. I'm going to stay here for now. If I stay now I have a better chance of getting to move back to Denver which is where I'd rather be anyway. No I'm not thrilled with the idea of staying here, I'm still quitting my job at the hotel and don't actually have another job lined up right now but I'm staying. And I do feel ok about the decision. I'm still going to IL for Thanksgiving, then to Mississippi to visit family down there, then I will come back to Kansas.

A few days ago I got really down and scared and depressed. I don't like being like that but then I realized I don't have to be. It's not me. It doesn't have to be who I am. Then I did something I still think of as being a little hokey and too-Christiany but I did it and I feel better. I had a power moment. I realized that the depressed, wishing she wasn't alive Jodie is NOT who I am and it was the devil really trying to get at me. Telling me that once again I wasn't good enough, that I am of no worth. So I told him to stop fucking with me. Literally that's what I said, out loud. I said he has no power over me and the things he keeps trying to make me believe aren't true. I belong to Christ. I was bought with a price. Even now the thought of it and that night gives me a sense of peace, freedom, and power. I'm still going to be sad. I'm still confused as to why all this has happened. But more so I'm convinced that I will be ok, even if I'm in Kansas. And I won't have to be here forever just a few more months. I'm going to lean on Christ for my strength and understanding.

I guess maybe it is not that hokey.

Jeans

Ok before I get to the really good news I will start off by saying that this weekend has been from hell. I have fought and fought with my decision to move. I still can't say for sure I know I am going to move. Right now the thought of it is overwelming but the thought of staying here is scaring me just as much. Dave isn't disappointed to see me go. Actually I don't know he didn't really say anything except, "I don't know what to say." So anyway I feel like there is this huge battle raging in me, and it's just frustrating. I still don't like being the one who is all unahppy and he can go on and be fine and seriously if he ends up with someone before I do I think I'm just going to give up. I get sick of being the one screwed over and trampled on only to be the one who continues to be alone.
Anyway. . . .
When I saw Dave on Friday to get my stuff, he commented that I had lost weight. Which I figured I had lost a little because there were some jeans that fit a little looser but I didn't think too much of it. But then I tried on some jeans and other pants that I haven't been able to wear for at least a year and they fit! In fact, a few more pounds and they'll be too big. The ones I'm wearing now are almost too baggy (of course that doesn't say much I've always been a fan of snug fitting pants). So I'm super excited! I haven't even really been trying. I just was trying to not gain too much. I'm going to keep not trying and see if I can get rid of the rest of this belly of mine.

5 years ago I had dropped out of GC and was living by myself and was very unhappy and depressed most of the time.
2 years ago I was on anti-depressants and pretty much, I realized, on the verge of having a drug and alcohol-abuse problem (I was basically mixing anti-depressants, alcohol and sleeping pills).
One year ago I was starting to feel better. By January and February I was happier, more content, and hopeful.
Less than six months later I feel like the same person I was 5 years ago and 2 years ago. I don't like it. I want January back.

the thought of moving is stressing me out. wednesday night i didn't fall asleep until after 4 am then had to get up at 9. i started getting tired later but couldn't take a nap because i was going to have to get up at 5 am to get to work at 6 friday morning. well then i woke up. talked on the phone with a few people...including dave. i had called him that afternoon then again at about 10 pm and then 2 hours later (after being told he'd call me right back) he called. there wasn't much to say. my graduation dress was at his house and so i needed to get it back. so then i was wide awake on thurs night and didn't sleep until about 2 and woke up by 4:30. and last night i was still wide awake (not tired at all) by 11 pm. I finally took a sleeping pill and fell asleep. and slept until 10 am. It felt good.

so i saw dave yesterday. the whole time i was trying to fight tears. Only two escaped at one point. we chatted for a bit. i gave him the card that i had gotten for one of his son's birthday that is next week. and then even though i kept telling myself i didn't want him to hug me, he did. i kept thinking that i didn't want to remember what it was like for him to hug me. i didn't want to remember what it was like. but now i do. now i remember what its like. i didn't want to let go.

but the thing is he is not sad that i'm going. he doesn't miss me. he doesn't wish i would stay. and then i hate that he said "see you later" when he left when i know we won't see each other. and i hate that he said "talk to you later" at times when he won't talk to me unless i talk to him. he still never asks me how i am. i guess maybe he figures he knows that i'm not doing that great and doesn't want to be reminded that he was a part of that. he knew about my walgreens thing but he didn't hear it from me...i know who he heard it from. I was dumb enough to tell good old music minister and i'm sure she mentioned it to him. i hate that he finds out something about me from her.

the nearest chipotle will be like 3 hours away. and there isn't a supertarget close to where i'm going to to live. i love supertarget, i shop there for everything. and now i'm going to have to shop at a little target and go to a regular grocery store. at least there's steak n shake except i am still going to be trying to lose weight so i can't go that often. the thing with chipotle is that almost everything is blood type friendly. i can go there and what i eat is almost all completely ok for me to eat. and deciding to eat a few blood type unfriendly things are ok because the majority is ok. i am crazy. who cares if there's no chipotle. i'll be able to see my family.
I am going to try and be good about visiting my grandparents. I think that would be fun to get to know them a little better. maybe grandma and I can cook together. and of course my sister will be an hour away. parents are close but not too close.
and of course there's good shopping not that far away. not that i can actually buy anything.

but the thing is, i'm tired of moving. everything is so uncertain. I thought I was moving here to settle down. i was looking forward to it. and now i have no idea what is going to happen. part of me feels like moving back to IL means i couldn't make it. i feel like it means that i'm slinking home, ashamed, with my tail between my legs, and that i'm no different than when i left. i was the one who couldn't wait to get out of IL and now I'm going back. and of course people will know why I am back. i can't afford to go back to denver. plus i do want to be closer to my family. and i know that even if i go back now doesn't mean i will always be there. i could still end up somewhere else when i go back to school.

when i told him that i loved him and that i was committed to the relationship i meant it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy and i knew there would be things that would be hard to figure out. but i was in and it didn't take him long to figure out that he wasn't in. he didn't want me. and even though at times i can have the attitude of "it's his loss," the truth is he didn't want me. he didn't want me. everything was like a big joke. and that just devastates me. but it's tiring crying over someone who doesn't cry over me and it's tiring missing someone who doesn't miss me. which i know why it's probably best for me to go because it'll make it easier to stop missing him.

i just don't like that everything is so uncertain and i have no idea about anything. i don't like that i was reminded of what it is like to have his arms wrapped around me, holding me...and i don't like that i had to look in his eyes and see someone that i still love so much, despite everything.

who says you can't go home

That Bon Jovi song gets on my nerves.

So here's the news: I'm going back to Illinois. Not really my first choice but I want to get out of Kansas. It hurts too much being here. I don't like always being reminded of everything. And plus I need to stop being alone and be around people who love and care about me. I don't want to be alone all the time. And I'm not talking about the no-boy alone just the no friends, no family, nothing alone.

I am looking forward to it. I'm going to go back to the apartment in Hartford. Katie is living in the house so if she's ever around I can see her. And my sister will be an hour away, my parents 2 1/2 (close but not too close), Kyle and Sarah are an hour away. I'll have people who I have grow to love and trust and I know will always care about me.

I'm going to move before Thanksgiving. I'll have to make a few trips to get all my stuff; dad is going to work on securing a trailer to haul stuff like furniture. And I have to clean out the apartment; it kinda turned into a storage shed after mom and dad moved the last time. I may have to crash at someone's house for a bit until I can get settled.

Here's to me and my super-quick moving decisions!

Blue Like Jazz

I found a book this afternoon that I can't put down and I am probably going to stay up reading it even though I'm getting tired and I have that interview tomorrow.
It's called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. And I want everyone in the world to read it. ;-) I'm sure there are people who wouldn't like it but I love it. Tonight I have been overcome with laughter, joy, sadness, lonliness, and wonder. I have been convinced of christ's love for me and his unwillingness to let me go and been angry once again about why he brought me to a place that I would end up alone (thanks to the chapter about the living in the community stuff).

It's a really good book. I'm going to finish it now.

I lied

Did you know there are a lot of things you need a computer and internet for? Like paying bills, looking up phone number and addresses for potential jobs, and a brief weak moment when I went to sephora.com...

And now I have a decision to make: do I take a job at walgreens or try to find an administrative job through the temp agency that I have an interview with on Thursday?

So, yes, Walgreens called to find out if I'm still interested in the pharmacy tech position. I am but it doesn't pay much more than what I make now, so I'd have to continue to work at the hotel (which SUCKS nowadays and I am going to end up working on Thanksgiving which means being here all alone and that will suck big time). Of course, working at Walgreens will allow me to get certified as a pharmacy tech which means I could make more money eventually like at a hospital or something. Or I could stay at Walgreens which has pretty good benefits.

On Thursday I have a an interview at a temp agency, one that when I look at the available jobs, they all look like they pay pretty well. Of course who knows what kind of job I'd end up with. And I don't know about benefits or anything yet.

So I could either end up working 2 jobs, one of which I have wanted for awhile now but won't make that much money or potentially get a pretty well-paying administrative job. I told the manager at walgreens I'd let her know if I was still interested by Friday.

Any advice? I'm really not sure what to do.

I'm still going to stay away from the computer except for like one time a day or two.

man...

I just realized that taking a break from this laptop of mine means not getting to watch grey's anatomy online.

oh well. . .I'm sticking with it. I'll catch up on grey's when I get back.

A break

I started thinking about this yesterday. . .I need a break. I'm not sure what I need a break from. I can't take a break from work. As much as I want to completely leave Kansas I don't think I can right now. The only way would be to partially move, find somewhere to live for free and save up enough money to be able to get out of my lease. However, the only way I know of to do that is to go to IL, i.e. Hartford. And unfortunately someone is living in the house now and the apartment is now Dad's storage facility. So I guess that's out. I think I'd rather move back to Denver anyway.

Anyway so because I can't leave completely I decided that somehow I need a focused time to think, pray, and try to figure things out. I can't go on the way things are right now.

So I think I'm going to take a break including a break from my computer. There is too much temptation to look at old pictures, old videos, myspace profiles, stuff that I really really want to buy (the urge to buy a camera and a purse is sometimes very overwelming). Everytime I open up my e-mail I'm tempted to look at all the old e-mails which so far I can't get rid of. And there is a dash of disappointment at the fact there are no more fun and loving e-mails from someone.

So I am going to try to stay away from my computer. I am going to try to stay away from stores (unless it's to get some yarn to knit or a book). All the credit cards are cut up anyway however I still manage to use them online sometimes. I am going to pray, write, read, knit, quilt, cook, bake, whatever. I want to somehow figure something out. And even if it is the knowledge that I will definitely be ok then great. I have no peace right now. It continues to make me upset to know that I have all these pieces to pick up while he's able to go on living his life as though I don't exist. And I really don't know what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be able to wake up and not be sad and not think of him.

So now I begin an "at-home" retreat. Or at least a retreat at the place I happen to live. I'm not sure how long its going to last but somehow things have to be different.

See you when I get back.

I still miss him. I know he doesn't miss me at all. But I miss him.

I rearranged my living room yesterday. I put my TV in the living room. I was tired of always laying in bed watching tv. Now I just lay on my couch and watch tv.

See? I'm learning to appreciate the good days. And I know they'll be more. So far though today isn't one of them.

oh well.

Today

Today I. . . .

rearranged my living room.
had fun at work.
made $20 in tips.
listened to "Fishin in the Dark" without crying.
was laughing just cause. . .no reason, just wanted to.
had a very handsome black man from NYC flirt with me.
felt like me again.

I don't know if I will be like that tomorrow but I figure everyday I feel like me is a good thing. Today was a good day and it ended good too, thanks to wonderful hot cocoa and some Jars music.

I have no fear of drowning....

...it's the breathing that's taking all this work. -Jars of Clay "Work"

I am continuing on a journey that over the last like 7 years has been hard, scary, confusing, frustrating and something that has made me stand in awe and amazement one moment and cry and scream the next.
And now I continue on this journey and it seems like it will be just as hard, scary, confusing, and frustrating as it always has been. I'm hoping, though, that there will be some joy mixed in with that. I started seeing a mix of some joy & happiness (which I do believe are two different things) earlier this year and somehow before I knew it, lost it again.
This journey I speak of is life and in my case, this life of mine involves trusting a sometimes seemingly far away, yet very personal Christ. Many times I've wanted to completely close him out of my life but he never really let me. He let me do my own thing for awhile but he never actually let me shut him out completely. As much as sometimes I hated it, he was always right there.

Now I am faced with the fact that I have nothing else to turn to. If anything, being in Kansas has made me see that I really do need God. I can't make all this work on my own. So the journey of try to really trust God is continuing on. I'm not sure how to do it exactly.

I bought My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I bought it for a couple of reasons: 1) it was only $5; 2) it's been around for a long time so I think maybe there's something more to it than just fluffy stuff you'd find in a newer devotional; 3) I'd always heard of it and wanted to get it. So far it's really good. Sometimes I have to read and reread a few times just so it sinks in.
One of things I've always struggled with is how I feel like my relationship with God is compared (and I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard sometimes) to other people's. Coming from the Methodist church it was all about going to church every Sunday, reading a chapter from the Bible everyday and spending a set amount of time in prayer. The relationship with God and how to achieve it was put in a nice pretty easy to accept package. However, what happens when the Bible seems to do nothing but confuse? What happens when you sit to pray and there are no words that come out? What happens when you start doubting the validity all everything you had ever been taught?
I know many people have been there. Probably a lot more than would ever actually admit it too.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be authentic, real, and honest. I'm not afraid to tell him when I am angry and confused. I am not afraid to tell him that I do not want to worship him. And right now I am not afraid to tell him that I am scared as hell. I have nothing to put hope in except for Christ. And it's freaking scary!!

In yesterday's reading from MUFHH (hehehehe that looks funny) it said "Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it is revelation sense, and it reaches the shores where common sense fails. Faith must be tried before the reality of faith is actual. 'We know that all things work together for good.' then no matter what happens, the alchemy of god's providence transfigures the ideal faith into actual reality."

And also: "To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes. God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real."

I still want to be a Christian who is real and honest. Somehow I want to care about poeple who the church dismisses. I want people to say "you're a Christian? you're not like other Christians I've met" and the wonder why. And then somehow I want to show them who Christ really is. But I still wonder if I really know....

I read John 6 yesterday. It's full of teaching that confused a lot of people and even made some of Jesus's disciples decide to stop following. I wonder why Jesus did that. If he wants people to be saved and believe why did he teach something that would made some turn away? Something is think about. . .

Post #200

So apparently this is my 200th post. Break out the champagne...(I wish)

I went grocery shopping today and bought good, healthy stuff. Lettuce, broccoli, sprouts, etc. I'm going to eat healthy if it kills me (which is I guess the reason I want to eat healthy so that I avoid the killing part by eating chips and drinking soda). I worked out 3 times last week. I'm going to work up to 4-5 times. This belly of mine has got to go. I think I lost a little bit of weight lately; my jeans seem to be fitting a little loose. Here's to eating right for your blood type (whether it really works or not, it's easy to follow).

It is like 75 degrees outside here. That's way too warm for the end of October. I want to wear sweaters and a coat. It's supposed to be 50 tomorrow but that's still too warm for almost being November.

When I went grocery shopping I also had to buy comfort food, or beverage rather. Double chocolate hot cocoa which I will make with milk (the thought of making it with soy milk is too disgusting) and flavor with a tiny bit of peppermint schnapps. ;-)
I believe I will also eat some popcorn.

Last night I realized that even though I'm sad and wish I wasn't here, I am not as desperate as the other girl who moved out here to be with a guy. All she cares about is finding a husband. I've worked with her the last few nights and I'm just like "oh my gosh you're never going to find someone if you're obsessed about it." Ok I won't say that but I want to.
I mean, yes I'm disappointed and a little more sad than I really want to be but if I have to be single for a long time still (I figured I was going to be anyway) then I know I'll be ok. I'll work for awhile, pay off my bills, go to med school or PA school and be fine. I'll be happy again someday. Someday I will stop thinking of Dave and stop thinking of four little kids who I really wish I could buy birthday and christmas presents for. Someday I'll be fine. Better than fine. I'll be great. I'll be happy again.

Something I forgot to mention about the hot cocoa. . .there's also Redi-Whip. I've never actually bought Redi-Whip before. . .it's not too bad.

ok it's a little late but. . .

The Cardinals WON! They WON!!! The St. Louis Cardinals are the World Series Champions!!!!
Ok I'm a couple of days late on that one but as happy as I am the last few days have just made me sad. Or. . I've just been sad. Nothing besides what has been making me sad for the last few months is continuing to make me sad.

Ok so I'm excited about the Cardinals winning.

I have a couple of job applications to send in for a few places. And there are a couple of places I am going to send resume to. I have the day off tomorrow so I can spend some time working on that.

I went to a new church today. It wasn't too bad. The music team wasn't really that great. . .but I liked the sermon and the attitude of it. There was a good mix of ...oh who am I kidding it was ok but I really miss my church in Colorado. I really liked it there. And I was getting to the point where I wanted to get more involved and get to know people at the church. I liked the worship team and the good mix of singing worship songs and hymns, doing readings, taking communion with bread (not the thin yucky wafers) and wine (and juice for those who want juice) and just the freedom I felt there.

8 more months and I can move. I want to go back to Colorado. I miss it a lot.

But until then I know I'll be fine here. I'll try to find a new job so I can start paying off credit cards and make plans to eventually go back to school. I will keep going to church and make the best of it.

You know as alone as I am here I don't really want to get to know people here or make this home...I just want to be able to leave when I can. There's just too many bad memories here. But somehow I will make the best of it while I am here.

conflicted

I'm conflicted.

The music minister at dave's church (i.e. the girl he was interested in before me and who he's such good friends with) has never been anything but nice to me. In fact, the day after my rant about seeing his van at her apartment she sends me this nice, reaching out myspace message (i knew I should've stuck with not signing into it anymore). She said it was good to see me at church, and invited me to a couple of things with the single girls' group and said she'd been thinking of me and praying for me because she knows it must be hard being here where I don't really know anyone.

I sent her a message back. I told her I appreciated her message. It was nice. . .but why does she have to be so nice? And why can't I just stop thinking that there's some evil motive? Oh yeah becuase I"m me and apparently I'm a nutso freak. And then I just beat myself up over and over again because as much as I want to be gracious, loving, and ok I just. . .can't. I'm trying so hard, but .... sometimes I just still want to scream and throw things.

I'm conflicted, I don't want to dislike her, she's a perfectly nice person but at the same time all I can think of is what if he still likes her? What if he always did but convinced himself not to? He told me that because of her position in the church and her wanting to get her credentials (something like getting ordained in the AG church) she can't marry anyone who's divorced but would that really get in the way if they didn't let it? What if the whole time he was with me he just wanted me to be a marry-able version of her? What if (again) I was just the girl in between?

I keep finding out things about myself that I don't like. Thinking things like this is one of them....

OH MY GOSH

I just realized I had three posts yesterday. dang.

Anyway. The Cardinals are ONE game away from winning the World Series!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!
They play one more time in St. Louis...I hope they win tomorrow so that way they can win at Busch Stadium!!! The World Series!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I'm so excited!!!!

Unwinding

I just got off of work and I'm unwinding. It was a fun night.

There is one Christian band that I will for some reason always love: Jars of Clay. And it took me awhile to like them. I didn't until I saw them at Mississippi Nights in St. Louis, a good five years after their first CD came out. There is something about their music and lyrics that have always just kept me hooked. Today I downloaded their latest album and I love it. And I also downloaded "Redemption Songs" and love that too.
They were supposed to be in Wichita but the concert was canceled I guess...next week they're going to be at House of Blues in LAS VEGAS. Man! I wish I could go. That would be so awesome.

And I have a confession. . .there's a Casting Crowns song I love too. It's called Praise You in this Storm. I really like it, I admit. . .Yes that would be me admitting to liking a VERY Christian music industry song. EEK! ;-) (that's what I get for dating a guy who works at a christian radio station) And there are other songs I like...sometimes I even listen to the radio station. double EEK!

Today was a pretty good day. Today it was overcast, a little rainy, and the most "fallish" (thanks to Val for that word) it's been so far. It was great even thought I was stuck inside most of the day. And now it's all foggy and dark and makes me think of campfires and drinking hot cocoa. Speaking of hot cocoa, I bought some french vanilla cocoa which is pretty good. I realized later that what I really want is peppermint cocoa. And if it's peppermint schnapps it's even better!

In my previous post I wrote about how in the book I'm reading it talks about taking up your cross and I thought about it and ended up writing this:

"There is wonder & amazement
There is fear & trembling
There is a light shining in the eyes of your child
There is mystery & wanting
There is hiding, shouting, & silence
There is confusion & understanding
There is standing still & dancing
Right here in the heart of this child."

I got out of the habit of writing after I dropped out of GC and I've always wanted to get back into it. Maybe I will.

Oh and the Cardinals game was rained out. Bummer. St. Louis is up 2 games to 1! WOOHOO!!!!!

Trying to let go

I didn't want to put stuff about my pursuit of Jesus and trying to let go of all the anger and self-condemnation I am going through right now in the post about me being angry about seeing his stupid mini-van and wanting desperately to go kick it (ok maybe not just kick it I did have keys in my hand). I didn't go anywhere near it though. I'm not as crazy as the cheated-on girl in the Carrie Underwood song (which I hate btw). Anyway. . .

I started reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for awhile and read some of it but never finished. It talks a lot about the crucified Christ. The battered, sweating, bleeding crucified Christ and the wisdom and power of it.

One of the things mentioned about experiencing the power and wisdom of the cross is the courage to accept & take up our own cross.

Our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today; the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it: this is our true cross. . . .in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. What happens in this encounter with the Crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies; his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement(The Signature of Jesus, page 61-62).

I want so much to believe that and accept that. I made something yesterday to help remind me that "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more" (the hymn, It Is Well with My Soul). I took some scrapbooking paper I had bought at some point and ripped a cross out of it. I wanted the edges to be rough and uneven, not perfect (like me). I glued it to another piece of paper. Then around the edges of the cross I wrote that verse from the hymn. Inside the cross I put my sins and problems I deal with. Next I took red paper (symbolizing the blood of Christ) and put torn pieces around the cross and wrote "it is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more." Then I crumbled it up a little. It's rough, unperfect, and messed up a bit (like me).

I'm NOT perfect. I never claim to be. My faith is real, honest (even if that honesty means saying I am discouraged and angry), and ever-changing. I am HIS. I am His child. If I want to sit in silent contemplation during worship, I will. If I want to stand up and raise my hands I will. No one is allowed to dictate what is the right way for me to worship and make me feel badly if I do something different. I want to strive to be the kind of follower of Christ who is an example of his acceptance and love. I want to accept people that the church sees as outcasts and beyond repair.

There's a new church I'm going to try on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

Fall doesn't exist in Kansas

Inspired by Val's post about October and Halloween, I decided to seek after some nature to see if I could find October in Kansas. I drove to El Dorado State Park. It wasn't much of anything. Just a bunch of campgrounds. I didn't stay long. The closest I came to finding whatever it was I was looking for was a little park in town. It had a bridge over a large creek (or small river, however you want to look at it). The trees were green and yellow with the sun coming down through the gaps of the branches. I took a couple of pictures.
But even that did no good at getting me out of my funk. All I could think about was the mountains and how the really tall ones have snow on them now. If I was still in CO, I could drive to my old church and see Mt. Evans looming in the distance with the smaller mountains all around it. I could see the Aspen trees all around with their changing leaves. I could have experienced the first snow that happened this past week.

But no, I am here. Right now even on pretty days, everything is just dull and brown. Some of the trees turn red but most of the time they are just yellow and there are still alot of them that are green. And it's supposed to get up to 70 degrees today.

Yesterday as hard as I tried not to be, I was angry. I'm really angry at myself. I'm trying not to be angry at him but it's hard, last night especially. I was doing laundry and had to see that he's at my apartment complex playing tennis. My apartment complex also happens to be the apartment complex of the girl that he dated before I came along. Well dated, thought about dating, never actually dated, whatever; he was interested in her. She's the music director at his church. And of course, she's one of the perky, perfect Christian girls. The type that he said he was glad I wasn't but started to get the impression that he would rather me be that way. And then after I went to work out in the fitness room (and stayed a bit to watch the Cardinals game), I stupidly walked over to see that his van was still in the parking lot, which means he stayed to hang out. I hated that. I hate that he was hanging out with the girl that he said he would have had to change so many things about himself to be with. I hated that they probably had the Cardinals game on and he was watching it with her (ok and to be fair with her sister too, they live together). Who cares that she's probably only watching it because he's into it. And the only thing I was thinking was that if I end up being the girl in between again I will be even more angry. I was the mistake Justin made before realizing who he really wanted to be with (and was with before me). And if I end up being that with Dave I just. . .I don't know. I won't like it. When I first got out here, I felt like he seemed to care a lot about what she thought of his relatinship with me. And even though he'd say things like she didn't know how to be friends with him without sometimes going into flirting with him, he always seemed to make sure he was talking to her when she was around. There was a pool party at someone's house one day that we went to and he talked to her more than me. He barely came near me.

I have been struggling again with how I'm not the perfect little perky Christian girl. I had gotten to a point where I thought I was ok with it. I was getting to be more and more comfortable with who I was. And up until I got here, that seemed to be ok with Dave. He liked that I was real and honest about who I was. He liked that I would go dancing at a bar and watch a lot of different kind of movies. But then almost from the first Sunday I went to his church it wasn't ok anymore. It was like he didn't believe me when I said that going to a new church is the hardest thing for me to do, especially a church where everyone wants to see Dave's new girlfriend. I'm shy and it takes awhile for me to open up. He wasn't willing to let me go about it at my own pace. He wanted me to go about it the way he would have and when I didn't I (to my face) was compared to his ex-wife. There were a couple of times that happened. One day when he was frustrated he was being a little short with his kids and said to me "if she was here, she would get on to me about that, because it's not their fault I'm upset and shouldn't take it out on them." All I could think was "well in case you didn't notice, she's not here and I'm NOT HER." Unfortunately like so many other times I didn't say anything. I knew things like that would come up but didn't know how hard it would really be to handle them.

I didn't speak up. There were so many times I wanted to but I didn't. I chickened out. I realize that he doesn't want a woman who is going to be partner to him, he wants a woman who is going to be the perfect image he has in his mind of what a woman should be. And I think good old music director is going to have a hard time of living up to that too.

I'm not saying all this to continue to make him the bad guy...it is just me needing to process. And quite honestly I have no idea what to think because all he's given me to go by is the fact that apparently I'm the last person in the world he wants to speak to and would rather me not exist.