I know that there's no point in living in the past or having regrets but there are times that I really wish I could turn back time. I wish I could go back and be like 20 again. Then I would be able to change my decision to drop out of school. No matter how much I hated GC I really wish I would've stayed. Then I wouldn't be almost 25 and feel like my life is worth nothing. I feel so behind other people my age. I see fellow classmates and I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they are young and have more going for them than me. I wish I could go back at least 5 years and make everything change. I guess things may not have been different if I'd made other decisions...if I really could go back I'd want to go back all the way to my childhood. I would've been raised differently, I would have been a better-adjusted child, I would've been able to stand up for myself. I wouldn't be the angry, bitter person that I have become. I really hate my life right now. I hate that I still haven't finished school, I hate that my parents still have to help me financially, I hate that I'm so obsessed with having stuff that I have racked up a bunch of debt, I hate that no matter how hard I seem to try there is always something that seems to hold me back from doing things I want to do or being successful. I'm just. . .tired. Tired of being like I am. I want to change. I want things to be better. I want to have some kind of hope again. I want to live, not just go through the motions.
And where is God in all this hate and want? Who knows. I don't trust God. I don't see what God could actually provide. And what I figure he wants from me I don't feel like I can live up to.

I guess somehow I will just keep going.

Shopping

So today I went shopping with my roommate. It was so depressisng. I couldn't buy anything. I probably won't buy any Christmas gifts until I go home mainly so I don't have to take them with me on the plane. And the gifts I do get will all be as cheap as possible. I didn't even find anything that I'd get for anyone, everything I saw I want for myself. A new purse (or two), a zip-up cashmere hoodie, shoes, various beauty products, etc. I really want a new purse. But not just any purse, a Coach purse. Only $300 or $400. That's all.
There were a ton of clothes I saw that were so cute. But even if I could buy them, I couldn't fit into them. I hate being poor and fat.
The whole time I walking through the mall all I was thinking is how much I wanted to buy something and how much I hated that I couldn't. The only thing I bought was lunch. I wish I had money.

RENT

is AWESOME! Go see it, right now. Drop everything and go see it.
Ok, ok if you really have something pressing to do, hurry up, do it, and go!
:)
I need to go to NY and see it on Broadway.

So...

it's Thanksgiving break now. I made it through the week. I spent all last weekend studying. I did pretty well about sticking to my schedule. By Sunday night I was about ready to burst though. I had been studying Physics all day. I still didn't understand it. It was soo frustrating. I didn't do well on my test. I was so upset. I sat in class trying not to just burst into tears. I spent so much time on Physics that I didn't get to study chemistry as much as I wanted to so I probably didn't do very well on that test either. Figures, I try to be good and study and do crappy on both tests. Ah!
I still have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. So during break I'll be doing that.
I helped a friend of mine and her husband move yesterday. It was fun hanging out with them but I am so sore! They moved from a 3rd floor apartment to another 3rd floor apartment. Definitely got some exercise yesterday! I'm spending Thanksgiving with them. I'm going to make broccoli casserole and an apple pie. And we're having turkey of course. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it even though I'd rather be with my family.

So I think my roommates pretty much hate me. Ok maybe not hate me, but I don't think they like me much. I'll come in and say hi and tell them something and they're just like "that's nice" but then they'll sit around and talk, talk, talk. They are in the same master's program so they do have more in common, I guess. But it's still hard. I feel so left out of things sometimes. I don't feel like I could ask them to do anything or hang out. I want to go see Rent on Wednesday when it comes out and my roommate wants to see it too, but I am afraid to ask if she wants to go together because I figure she has already made plans to see it with someone. So I'll just go alone. Speaking of movies, I saw Walk the Line yesterday. It was soooo good. I want to see it again. Of course everytime I see a movie like that it just makes me wish I could be a singer or an actress. Maybe if med school and grad school don't work out I'll just have to move to Nashville. Ha!

I wish I had my own place. That way I could see people only when I want to. And I don't have to be made to feel bad if I'm not keeping up with cleaning or if I want to watch something on TV. And the dishes will be placed in the cupboard properly.

Redemption

So, I have the chance to redeem myself from last weekend. First, my Physics test was postponed to Monday. Then my organic chem homework duedate was postponed to Monday. So while that means a crazy busy week, I have all weekend to make myself focus and study and get everything done. Which is good. So I'm glad. I have a study plan put together. I even have motivational sayings scheduled to pop up every few hours to maybe help keep me going. :) Cheesy huh?

I'm so determined to make sure I just plow through my homework this weekend. I've got to. I want to. I ended up being all motivated to get work done Monday night and I have been mostly throughout this week. So I hope it keep being that way. It will be.

I keep thinking about moving back to Illinois. How crazy is that? I mean I really like Colorado but sometimes I feel like there's nothing keeping me here. I have a few friends out here, but not really close ones. Even though I probably wouldn't live very close to my close friends in Illinois...I don't know. I'm afraid if I leave Colorado I'm going to regret it. It's so gorgeous out here and I like the weather (for the most part). How could I leave the mountains and the pretty snow (as opposed to flat, icy plains)? I really miss my family and friends though.
I need to decide. If I want to do further schooling out here then I need to get a Colorado license so I can get in-state tuition for University of Colorado. There's not really anywhere in IL I would want to go to school except maybe Chicago. . .and that would end up being just as expensive as living out here (and at least it's not so freakin windy and cold here).

Before I go crazy

I decided that before Physics drove me too much more crazy, I would write, since it's been awhile. Right now Physics is making me feel really dumb. I have 6 chapters of problems to do. Some of them are almost finished but I still have like 30 problems to do. Two chapters I haven't even been through yet. I try to read through the chapters but it's like it's in Japanese. I don't really understand anything. I also have to write up 10 labs for my lab notebook. I really don't know when that's going to get done. I can't wait until Thanksgiving. But I still have so much to do before then. Tests in all my classes, lots to read, essays to write.
It's days like these when I just think "how the hell do I expect to actually go to med school?" I know I have plenty of other options even if I don't. But I'm not ready to give up on that yet! I always start going towards some goal and then I give up. This is the first thing I've tried to do that I haven't given up on. I'm still a Bio major and I really enjoy it. But I always get caught up on something that just brings me down so much. This time its Physics. I find it so hard to sit down and concentrate. And then it's frustrating because I don't understand it and I don't know how to. I don't know how to study for it. I looked online for some study help but there's not much help.
It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing for long periods of time. I came home Thursday and watched TV for like 8 hours. That's it. I didn't do anything else. And then Friday the same thing, even though I should've started homework.
I have no idea how to make myself actually get focused and do the work I need to. Even making a list and specifying when I'm going to do each thing doesn't work. I mean there are times when I can make myself focus and get things done, but it's not a constant. It's like I'll be able to concentrate in spurts. It's so frustrating.

Last night I started thinking about how in two months I will be 25. It's not like I thought it was going to be. I'm still in school, I'm alone, and my future is still as unclear as ever. I know things will work out the way they're supposed to but sometimes it's really hard to believe.

I really hope I get to go home for Christmas. It would really suck to be alone on Christmas.