I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately. Things have just continued to be so up and down around here that I don't even know where to begin.
My birthday was last week. It was really great. It was on the 8th. On the 7th, J came up and surprised me with a cake at Bible study. On the 8th, I went to a friend's house to have dinner. I got all these fun little kitchen gadgets, including a lemon zester. Then on that Friday, J took me to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and we went to a friend's house to have a couple pictures of us taken. Then we headed to wal-mart to get them printed out. He gave me a pretty silver cross necklace, a frame, and some Starbucks coffee. It was a really wonderful night! We dressed up and everything. He told me later that what he really wanted to do was buy us plane tickets to fly to IL to see my family. He is so good at stuff like that.
Unfortunately though, things have still been a little difficult. Mainly it has to do with Saturdays. . .it used to be that I could count on going down to his place to see him. I purposely kept my day free so I could. Lately though, instead of it being a day he gets to see me, it has become a day that he gets everything done that he needs to get done. And most of the time I feel like I'm in the way of that. It's been very frustrating especially because I don't feel like I'm saying I want some super special day all the time; I just want him to say "I want to see you." Even if we end up just hanging out at his apartment, I like being there with him.
This weekend was, I guess mainly a misunderstanding. He asked if I wanted to go with him to the HS basketball game on Friday but I had already said I'd help some people move and unpack. He made it sound like he had plans on Saturday so when I asked what they were, he said he needed to clean his office and was going to watch basketball. I was so upset about that. Maybe I didn't have any right to be, but I couldn't understand why there wasn't some way we could hang out anyway; he knows I enjoy watching sports. Later, after a day of very short, angry-toned text messages, we talked. He said he had made plans with someone to actually go watch a basketball tournament. Then I was just mad that he didn't tell me that.
More often than not I feel like he doesn't care whether or not he sees me and I'm irritated that we're only an hour away from each other and I can't even count on seeing him. He doesn't include me in his plans. He makes his plans first, then if I fit into them, then ok, if not, he won't adjust his plans at all even when it would be possible. He makes it seem like he needs time to be able to spend with his friends, which is totally understandable but lately that's all that happens. It's like he would rather be around anyone but me. He says this isn't true but his actions are saying otherwise. I feel like that we really have to make it a point to see each other and it shouldn't be that difficult; we're only an hour away from each other. Sure not as easy as if we were in the same town, but easier than being 3, 4, 5+ hours away.
We're still both trying. He told me that he cares about me more than he has anyone and thinks we have real potential as a long-term couple. And I agree with him, but we both know in order for that to happen, we have to keep working through all this stuff. It is hard. I didn't know it would be this hard. But something inside of me says it's worth it.
I hope it is.
1 comment:
Unsolicited advice: I get this way too sometimes, even now. I feel like video games or other friends are more important than me, like he's taking my presence for granted. So, I back off. I don't initiate affectionate touches. I don't suggest we spend time together. I don't start long in-depth conversations. I do my own thing and wait until he decides he misses me. It usually takes several days, but eventually he comes around and he initiates time together and affection and I feel less insecure. This is VERY difficult. To us, a day feels like a week and a week like a month. I think it will give your BF some space and the chance to figure out that he has to put some initiative into the relationship and not take you for granted as the one who will always call first, plan dates, and ask to hang out. If he brings it up, make it clear that you aren't mad or giving him the silent treatment or punishing him in any way. You're just doing your thing and if he wants to do something with you he can give you a call and plan time together. Your schedule doesn't revolve around him or his schedule.
Post a Comment