Well whether I wanted it to be this way or not, I am forced into taking a break. I am forced into having more time on my hands.
I lost my job at the conference office. Although I know it's probably a blessing because I'm just so exhausted but at the same time it's a slap in the face. I was so fucking upset. They were still convinced I wasn't doing a good job and I KNOW I was. I hadn't been doing a good job last fall but after Christmas I made it a point to make sure I was on top of everything. I was definitely doing a good job! But apparently they were getting "complaints" about me. I was just so. . .shocked. I mean, every once in awhile there might be a difficult person that I had to talk to but I did my best to handle it well. And there were so many people I'd talk to on a daily basis that would tell me they appreciated it and I was helpful and courteous, etc.

Obviously this will give me more time to relax and doing simple everyday things like clean and cook (I'll have to since I won't be able to afford to go out to eat anymore). I think what makes me the most upset is that I know I had been doing a much better job but they refused to see that. They never asked me, they never came to the resource center to see what was going on. They never led me to believe there were any problems. It's just all bullshit.

Financially I think I'll be ok. I hate that I'll be back on a strict budget, back to not even being able to get a haircut or go out to dinner and a movie with some friends. I have no room to do something like. . .oh go to Kansas City like I had planned on during my spring break this week. I may still go but. . .it'll just be depressing because I won't be able to buy anything. Oh well.

So now I'm back to this place where I feel like a complete failure, a complete nothing, and like my life will never be any different. I am 28 years old and I have no career, no family. . .I'm completely alone and the only hope of my career I have is at least another 3 years away. I live in a place I pretty much hate. I have nothing. I live in a house owned by a 24-year-old. I am driving (and will still be driving) a 15-year-old truck that I've had for 8 years with 172,000 miles on it. I found out recently that my brother is in a production of Guys-N-Dolls...yup that would be the musical that I have dreamed of being in since I was in 1st grade. Yes, 1st grade. I remember specifically seeing it at Jerseyville High School and thinking "I want to do this." But I never got the chance.

My mom offered to come and see me for a few days. I am thinking of taking her up on it but I don't think I can take too much of her "just really trust God and be open to what he has for you." Honestly, I can't take it. I'm not sure if I believe that too much. I feel like that no matter how open I am (or feel like I am) to God, nothing ever works out. Nothing ever changes. I feel like that if I become the least bit happy or hopeful, then everything falls apart. Is that how it's going to be always? According to the "MyType" application on Facebook (based on Meyer's Briggs) I am an INFP, an idealist. Is this how being an INFP is? Is that just something I have to accept and work around or is this something that I can change? Is anything ever going to be good enough? Will I at some point get married and then be unhappy and ruin it? Will I finally get a career and be unhappy with that too, wondering if there was something else I was supposed to do? Will I ever live somewhere that I like?

I am so tired of feeling like this. So tired. I want something that makes my life feel just a little like worth living. Everytime something that like comes along, it goes away. Pretty quickly too. And then here I am writing about it on a freakin blog. I am sitting around waiting until the last moment to get ready to go to work, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. I hate it. But I have no idea what to do about it. It sucks being SO unhappy about everything in my life. More than just unhappy. . .I don't even know what word to use.

I feel like screaming. And throwing something.