So today I pretty much had a breakdown which involved a 45 minute phone call to my parents. Lately hearing what they have to say doesn't annoy me as much.
I feel like I am so screwed up right now. I don't feel diligent enough about getting a job and that makes me feel guilty because my parents are footing all the bills right now. It seems that all I do is watch movies (Friday there were a bunch of Judy Garland movies on, how could I resist?) and VH1. Ugh. I have been to some interviews, all for part time jobs that I probably would enjoy to some extent but they're not really what I want to do.
But I guess the biggest thing is my spiritual life or lack there of. I have no interest in going to church, reading my Bible, or praying. But this thing called Christianity is still such a big part of my life I can't imagine not following God. But I'm afraid of what following God wholly and completely will mean. In my mind, it means giving up things I don't want to give up, doing something I don't want to do and basically hating my life. I'm not sure how my mind will change about that. Supposedly, following God will bring freedom and joy.
Another hard thing is the fact that I grew up hating church and the people in it, I grew up thinking there was always something wrong with me because I wasn't as spiritual as someone else, etc. I always felt like I wasn't good enough at anything.
And now I'm in Colorado, at first things seemed to be going ok, then everything fell apart again. Now again I'm surrounded by people who are considered more spiritual, more loved by God, and who are probably going to do something great. It made me mad as hell when we prayed for people going on mission trips this summer in chapel. Apparently only people doing something with "ministry" attached to it are worth praying for. I feel like I'm just surrounded by people who are happy or doing a damn better job at pretending.
Then again, I decided a long time ago I didn't want to pretend, it was too exhausting.
I need God. I need to know the God that loves me and will give me peace and joy. A God that will take all these ugly things away, all the hate, the anger, and the bitterness.
I'm sick of the legalistic Christianity that I keep buying into. I'm sick of the American Christianity that rejects people for who they are and expects me to go along with them. I want nothing to do with it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I understand your feelings. I've been there too. Try going to a heavily affluent church while you are barely making enough for food and feeling you fit in....
Regardless, remember that God doesn't care about the "good stuff" you do. He just wants you to love him and know him. A good reminder for me when I feel that God is absent is remembering where it says in James (I don't remmeber the verse) "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you".
God never leaves us, he is just waiting for an invitation to be part of our lives and that is the hardest step to make because it means your life will change!
Post a Comment