IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!! YAY!!!! And now that I'm done driving in it I can enjoy it. WOOHOO!!!

Thanksgiving highlights!

I had an absolutely wonderful week. There is just too much to write about so here are some highlights:

I ate at Steak-N-Shake twice!!!

My cousin Brian had surgery on his back a week before Thanksgiving (as a result of a very bad car accident last year) and he's doing well. He explained to me what they did which was cool and he at one point made a comment about "dumb Dave," which made my day that my cousin Brian who I really don't know that well would have that kind of opinion in my defense. He went to church camp a couple of times and remembered him. . .and apparently made some kind of not-so-nice comment about him. hehehe :-) I like my cousin. He's pretty cool.

I got to go to Mississippi with my sister, her kids, my mom, my aunt, my uncle, and my grandparents. It was great! We ate at Cracker Barrel for breakfast on the way down there and the way back. On the way back I had my grandma help me organize all the family members. We spent time with many of her neices and nephews (and their kids) that were all the children of just one of her siblings! There were seven kids and all of them had at least 2 or 3 of their own. Big family! We had Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday and there were at least 40 people. Oh and I have a confession to make: there is a cousin I really wish I wasn't related to! What's funny is it's the guy who when he was 5 years old he had a huge crush on me (I was like 11). hehehe, I know I'm weird! Let's just say he grew up to be a very handsome man. . .complete with Wrangler jeans. Oh and it's hilarious listening to them all talk! My Aunt Ruby has one of the thickest southern accents I've ever heard! When I was little I'd start talking like them.

We went to visit a 99-year-old aunt in the nursing home and at one point she said (complete with a Southern accent) "I wish you'd put me in my bed, my butt's startin to hurt!" It was hilarious!! I wish I had a recording.

I got to spend a lot of time with my neice and nephew. My nephew has a personality! He's like a little boy! I can't describe it very well, but he has grown up so much. He still loves to draw and is always doodling on something. He's more outgoing than Morgan, she's still the quiet, sweet little girl she's always been. Of course, being brother and sister they have their moments of pushing each other's buttons but then they do things like rest their heads on each other's shoulders and it's just adorable. They've grown up so much.

Today I put my Christmas tree up, listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra (and downloaded a ringtone of theirs), and cleaned my apartment! It was a very productive day. I watched Meet Me in St. Louis, While You Were Sleeping, and now I'm watching White Christmas for the first time this holiday season. I tried watching it a couple of weeks ago but I couldn't. . .this Dave thing almost ruined it for me (it's one of his favorite movies)! How sad would that have been! But now I'm good. Someday I'll find someone else to watch all my old movies with. It's his loss, I'm wonderful ;-)

Ok I guess that was a little bit more than just highlights. It was such a good week. I loved spending time with my family. It was just relaxing and enjoyable...and I really feel happy. I think it'll be ok for me to be here in Wichita and I'm not going to worry about what going to happen. If I ever move back to IL it'll be because I really want to and it's where I'm supposed to be.

I'm so excited about the holidays!!! I can't wait until Christmas.

Another change of plans

In the days that I made the decision to move back to IL, I couldn't sleep, I got stressed out, and felt absolutely horrible. I kept thinking about having to pack all my stuff up again, making trips back and forth to get all my stuff, and having to clean out the apartment in Hartford. It basically was turned into a storage shed.
I'm not moving. I'm going to stay here for now. If I stay now I have a better chance of getting to move back to Denver which is where I'd rather be anyway. No I'm not thrilled with the idea of staying here, I'm still quitting my job at the hotel and don't actually have another job lined up right now but I'm staying. And I do feel ok about the decision. I'm still going to IL for Thanksgiving, then to Mississippi to visit family down there, then I will come back to Kansas.

A few days ago I got really down and scared and depressed. I don't like being like that but then I realized I don't have to be. It's not me. It doesn't have to be who I am. Then I did something I still think of as being a little hokey and too-Christiany but I did it and I feel better. I had a power moment. I realized that the depressed, wishing she wasn't alive Jodie is NOT who I am and it was the devil really trying to get at me. Telling me that once again I wasn't good enough, that I am of no worth. So I told him to stop fucking with me. Literally that's what I said, out loud. I said he has no power over me and the things he keeps trying to make me believe aren't true. I belong to Christ. I was bought with a price. Even now the thought of it and that night gives me a sense of peace, freedom, and power. I'm still going to be sad. I'm still confused as to why all this has happened. But more so I'm convinced that I will be ok, even if I'm in Kansas. And I won't have to be here forever just a few more months. I'm going to lean on Christ for my strength and understanding.

I guess maybe it is not that hokey.

Jeans

Ok before I get to the really good news I will start off by saying that this weekend has been from hell. I have fought and fought with my decision to move. I still can't say for sure I know I am going to move. Right now the thought of it is overwelming but the thought of staying here is scaring me just as much. Dave isn't disappointed to see me go. Actually I don't know he didn't really say anything except, "I don't know what to say." So anyway I feel like there is this huge battle raging in me, and it's just frustrating. I still don't like being the one who is all unahppy and he can go on and be fine and seriously if he ends up with someone before I do I think I'm just going to give up. I get sick of being the one screwed over and trampled on only to be the one who continues to be alone.
Anyway. . . .
When I saw Dave on Friday to get my stuff, he commented that I had lost weight. Which I figured I had lost a little because there were some jeans that fit a little looser but I didn't think too much of it. But then I tried on some jeans and other pants that I haven't been able to wear for at least a year and they fit! In fact, a few more pounds and they'll be too big. The ones I'm wearing now are almost too baggy (of course that doesn't say much I've always been a fan of snug fitting pants). So I'm super excited! I haven't even really been trying. I just was trying to not gain too much. I'm going to keep not trying and see if I can get rid of the rest of this belly of mine.

5 years ago I had dropped out of GC and was living by myself and was very unhappy and depressed most of the time.
2 years ago I was on anti-depressants and pretty much, I realized, on the verge of having a drug and alcohol-abuse problem (I was basically mixing anti-depressants, alcohol and sleeping pills).
One year ago I was starting to feel better. By January and February I was happier, more content, and hopeful.
Less than six months later I feel like the same person I was 5 years ago and 2 years ago. I don't like it. I want January back.

the thought of moving is stressing me out. wednesday night i didn't fall asleep until after 4 am then had to get up at 9. i started getting tired later but couldn't take a nap because i was going to have to get up at 5 am to get to work at 6 friday morning. well then i woke up. talked on the phone with a few people...including dave. i had called him that afternoon then again at about 10 pm and then 2 hours later (after being told he'd call me right back) he called. there wasn't much to say. my graduation dress was at his house and so i needed to get it back. so then i was wide awake on thurs night and didn't sleep until about 2 and woke up by 4:30. and last night i was still wide awake (not tired at all) by 11 pm. I finally took a sleeping pill and fell asleep. and slept until 10 am. It felt good.

so i saw dave yesterday. the whole time i was trying to fight tears. Only two escaped at one point. we chatted for a bit. i gave him the card that i had gotten for one of his son's birthday that is next week. and then even though i kept telling myself i didn't want him to hug me, he did. i kept thinking that i didn't want to remember what it was like for him to hug me. i didn't want to remember what it was like. but now i do. now i remember what its like. i didn't want to let go.

but the thing is he is not sad that i'm going. he doesn't miss me. he doesn't wish i would stay. and then i hate that he said "see you later" when he left when i know we won't see each other. and i hate that he said "talk to you later" at times when he won't talk to me unless i talk to him. he still never asks me how i am. i guess maybe he figures he knows that i'm not doing that great and doesn't want to be reminded that he was a part of that. he knew about my walgreens thing but he didn't hear it from me...i know who he heard it from. I was dumb enough to tell good old music minister and i'm sure she mentioned it to him. i hate that he finds out something about me from her.

the nearest chipotle will be like 3 hours away. and there isn't a supertarget close to where i'm going to to live. i love supertarget, i shop there for everything. and now i'm going to have to shop at a little target and go to a regular grocery store. at least there's steak n shake except i am still going to be trying to lose weight so i can't go that often. the thing with chipotle is that almost everything is blood type friendly. i can go there and what i eat is almost all completely ok for me to eat. and deciding to eat a few blood type unfriendly things are ok because the majority is ok. i am crazy. who cares if there's no chipotle. i'll be able to see my family.
I am going to try and be good about visiting my grandparents. I think that would be fun to get to know them a little better. maybe grandma and I can cook together. and of course my sister will be an hour away. parents are close but not too close.
and of course there's good shopping not that far away. not that i can actually buy anything.

but the thing is, i'm tired of moving. everything is so uncertain. I thought I was moving here to settle down. i was looking forward to it. and now i have no idea what is going to happen. part of me feels like moving back to IL means i couldn't make it. i feel like it means that i'm slinking home, ashamed, with my tail between my legs, and that i'm no different than when i left. i was the one who couldn't wait to get out of IL and now I'm going back. and of course people will know why I am back. i can't afford to go back to denver. plus i do want to be closer to my family. and i know that even if i go back now doesn't mean i will always be there. i could still end up somewhere else when i go back to school.

when i told him that i loved him and that i was committed to the relationship i meant it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy and i knew there would be things that would be hard to figure out. but i was in and it didn't take him long to figure out that he wasn't in. he didn't want me. and even though at times i can have the attitude of "it's his loss," the truth is he didn't want me. he didn't want me. everything was like a big joke. and that just devastates me. but it's tiring crying over someone who doesn't cry over me and it's tiring missing someone who doesn't miss me. which i know why it's probably best for me to go because it'll make it easier to stop missing him.

i just don't like that everything is so uncertain and i have no idea about anything. i don't like that i was reminded of what it is like to have his arms wrapped around me, holding me...and i don't like that i had to look in his eyes and see someone that i still love so much, despite everything.

who says you can't go home

That Bon Jovi song gets on my nerves.

So here's the news: I'm going back to Illinois. Not really my first choice but I want to get out of Kansas. It hurts too much being here. I don't like always being reminded of everything. And plus I need to stop being alone and be around people who love and care about me. I don't want to be alone all the time. And I'm not talking about the no-boy alone just the no friends, no family, nothing alone.

I am looking forward to it. I'm going to go back to the apartment in Hartford. Katie is living in the house so if she's ever around I can see her. And my sister will be an hour away, my parents 2 1/2 (close but not too close), Kyle and Sarah are an hour away. I'll have people who I have grow to love and trust and I know will always care about me.

I'm going to move before Thanksgiving. I'll have to make a few trips to get all my stuff; dad is going to work on securing a trailer to haul stuff like furniture. And I have to clean out the apartment; it kinda turned into a storage shed after mom and dad moved the last time. I may have to crash at someone's house for a bit until I can get settled.

Here's to me and my super-quick moving decisions!

Blue Like Jazz

I found a book this afternoon that I can't put down and I am probably going to stay up reading it even though I'm getting tired and I have that interview tomorrow.
It's called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. And I want everyone in the world to read it. ;-) I'm sure there are people who wouldn't like it but I love it. Tonight I have been overcome with laughter, joy, sadness, lonliness, and wonder. I have been convinced of christ's love for me and his unwillingness to let me go and been angry once again about why he brought me to a place that I would end up alone (thanks to the chapter about the living in the community stuff).

It's a really good book. I'm going to finish it now.

I lied

Did you know there are a lot of things you need a computer and internet for? Like paying bills, looking up phone number and addresses for potential jobs, and a brief weak moment when I went to sephora.com...

And now I have a decision to make: do I take a job at walgreens or try to find an administrative job through the temp agency that I have an interview with on Thursday?

So, yes, Walgreens called to find out if I'm still interested in the pharmacy tech position. I am but it doesn't pay much more than what I make now, so I'd have to continue to work at the hotel (which SUCKS nowadays and I am going to end up working on Thanksgiving which means being here all alone and that will suck big time). Of course, working at Walgreens will allow me to get certified as a pharmacy tech which means I could make more money eventually like at a hospital or something. Or I could stay at Walgreens which has pretty good benefits.

On Thursday I have a an interview at a temp agency, one that when I look at the available jobs, they all look like they pay pretty well. Of course who knows what kind of job I'd end up with. And I don't know about benefits or anything yet.

So I could either end up working 2 jobs, one of which I have wanted for awhile now but won't make that much money or potentially get a pretty well-paying administrative job. I told the manager at walgreens I'd let her know if I was still interested by Friday.

Any advice? I'm really not sure what to do.

I'm still going to stay away from the computer except for like one time a day or two.

man...

I just realized that taking a break from this laptop of mine means not getting to watch grey's anatomy online.

oh well. . .I'm sticking with it. I'll catch up on grey's when I get back.

A break

I started thinking about this yesterday. . .I need a break. I'm not sure what I need a break from. I can't take a break from work. As much as I want to completely leave Kansas I don't think I can right now. The only way would be to partially move, find somewhere to live for free and save up enough money to be able to get out of my lease. However, the only way I know of to do that is to go to IL, i.e. Hartford. And unfortunately someone is living in the house now and the apartment is now Dad's storage facility. So I guess that's out. I think I'd rather move back to Denver anyway.

Anyway so because I can't leave completely I decided that somehow I need a focused time to think, pray, and try to figure things out. I can't go on the way things are right now.

So I think I'm going to take a break including a break from my computer. There is too much temptation to look at old pictures, old videos, myspace profiles, stuff that I really really want to buy (the urge to buy a camera and a purse is sometimes very overwelming). Everytime I open up my e-mail I'm tempted to look at all the old e-mails which so far I can't get rid of. And there is a dash of disappointment at the fact there are no more fun and loving e-mails from someone.

So I am going to try to stay away from my computer. I am going to try to stay away from stores (unless it's to get some yarn to knit or a book). All the credit cards are cut up anyway however I still manage to use them online sometimes. I am going to pray, write, read, knit, quilt, cook, bake, whatever. I want to somehow figure something out. And even if it is the knowledge that I will definitely be ok then great. I have no peace right now. It continues to make me upset to know that I have all these pieces to pick up while he's able to go on living his life as though I don't exist. And I really don't know what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be able to wake up and not be sad and not think of him.

So now I begin an "at-home" retreat. Or at least a retreat at the place I happen to live. I'm not sure how long its going to last but somehow things have to be different.

See you when I get back.

I still miss him. I know he doesn't miss me at all. But I miss him.

I rearranged my living room yesterday. I put my TV in the living room. I was tired of always laying in bed watching tv. Now I just lay on my couch and watch tv.

See? I'm learning to appreciate the good days. And I know they'll be more. So far though today isn't one of them.

oh well.

Today

Today I. . . .

rearranged my living room.
had fun at work.
made $20 in tips.
listened to "Fishin in the Dark" without crying.
was laughing just cause. . .no reason, just wanted to.
had a very handsome black man from NYC flirt with me.
felt like me again.

I don't know if I will be like that tomorrow but I figure everyday I feel like me is a good thing. Today was a good day and it ended good too, thanks to wonderful hot cocoa and some Jars music.