In the days that I made the decision to move back to IL, I couldn't sleep, I got stressed out, and felt absolutely horrible. I kept thinking about having to pack all my stuff up again, making trips back and forth to get all my stuff, and having to clean out the apartment in Hartford. It basically was turned into a storage shed.
I'm not moving. I'm going to stay here for now. If I stay now I have a better chance of getting to move back to Denver which is where I'd rather be anyway. No I'm not thrilled with the idea of staying here, I'm still quitting my job at the hotel and don't actually have another job lined up right now but I'm staying. And I do feel ok about the decision. I'm still going to IL for Thanksgiving, then to Mississippi to visit family down there, then I will come back to Kansas.
A few days ago I got really down and scared and depressed. I don't like being like that but then I realized I don't have to be. It's not me. It doesn't have to be who I am. Then I did something I still think of as being a little hokey and too-Christiany but I did it and I feel better. I had a power moment. I realized that the depressed, wishing she wasn't alive Jodie is NOT who I am and it was the devil really trying to get at me. Telling me that once again I wasn't good enough, that I am of no worth. So I told him to stop fucking with me. Literally that's what I said, out loud. I said he has no power over me and the things he keeps trying to make me believe aren't true. I belong to Christ. I was bought with a price. Even now the thought of it and that night gives me a sense of peace, freedom, and power. I'm still going to be sad. I'm still confused as to why all this has happened. But more so I'm convinced that I will be ok, even if I'm in Kansas. And I won't have to be here forever just a few more months. I'm going to lean on Christ for my strength and understanding.
I guess maybe it is not that hokey.
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