Christmas recap and some other stuff too

We pulled into my parents driveway in the wee hours of Saturday morning at 3:30 am. It was a long drive. I couldn't really sleep any so I was up by 8:30 getting ready to make truffles and broccoli & rice casserole.
I loved spending time with my family. It's so precious to me now that I don't get to see them as often. My sister and her family came to mom and dad's and we had lunch and then opened presents. I had made a couple little scarves for my sister and a little purse for my neice. They both liked those. Dad loved his White Christmas DVD. And mom loved her sunflower photos. Oh and my nephew LOVED his Star Wars DVD I got him. I haven't found out but that was the goal for everyone to get him one so he could get all of them. I got my olive oil bottle, sushi kit (complete with the seaweed), blender, a set of my dishes, and a book filled with thousands of questions about movies. And I do mean thousands. It's a lot of fun.
Then we got to head over to see my brother's new place and the church where he works. We hung out at the little coffee shop and played scrabble for awhile. I lost. I stink at scrabble.
J loves my mom's yeast dinner rolls and my grandma's banana split cake. We brought some back with us. We headed over to my grandparents to eat lunch with them on Sunday before heading back to Kansas. Then we spent Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family and Christmas day with his mom's side. It was really fun. I missed being with my own family, of course, but everyone was so nice and welcoming I still felt at home. I think that was the best thing of all. I've been around his mom's side of the family more and I'm starting to pick up more on the little quirks of that side. His dad's side is more laid back and jokes around with each other. His dad's mom is in poor health but her mind is still really sharp and she's hilarious. J's other grandma is as sweet as can be but also is very good at ordering people around. ;-)

J and I got to talk a lot on the trip. We discussed many things about our relationship. I've really got to work on getting to a point where I trust him. It's been really difficult lately; my fear of him being like every one else is affecting us actually growing as a couple. I feel like there's a lot of things I need to work on.
I've been thinking about ways I can change the way I think about things. I've started thinking more about the qualities that I really love about J. He told me things that he really likes about me and I was encouraged because they are a lot of the things I like about myself and feel I have to offer to someone.
We also discussed some faith stuff. He has always had very pleasant church experiences and he really doesn't understand completely how and why church can be difficult for me. Especially when it comes to not always liking the United Methodist Church. Although, I can definitely say now that my beliefs line up more with the UMC than with any other denomination really. And things with the church here really seem to be different than in IL. There really is more of an emphasis on grace and acceptance.

So now there are lots of things to continue to think and talk about. I think my number one prayer right now is that I stop being afraid. I want to stop being afraid of my relationship with J, stop being afraid of my money situation and what it's going to take to fix it (I did finally re-cut up my credit card), and stop being afraid of really letting God be in control of my life.

I will not let fear rule my life.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

The crazy (but wonderful) Christmas traveling will begin today. J and I are leaving for Illinois this afternoon. We're going to mom and dad's to spend Saturday and part of Sunday with them, then we'll head back to Kansas to spend Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family, then Christmas day with his mom's side. I think it'll end up being that we travel about 20 hours driving. Sounds like so much fun huh?
But I am excited. I'm going to make biscotti and truffles tomorrow and open presents! And later on tonight down the road will be a stop at Steak-n-Shake. Woohoo!!!

I am trying not to think about the fact that this will be the first year EVER that I haven't been at my grandparents for Christmas. We are stopping by there on Sunday but still. It's weird to have another family to be around. Extremely weird. I am not worried about his mom's side; I've met all of them before. But I've never met any of his dad's side. So I'm going to end up being nervous, I'm sure.

Merry Christmas!!!!

ElfYourself

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1373148749

This is funny. Had to, of course, include J in this! It may be the only time I get to dance with him ;-)

Normal?

So after a few months now of feeling like crap, the last two few days I have felt better. What's funny? I'm waiting to go back to being my depressed self. . .except days of having a good day at work, laughing and talking to people, going out to dinner with co-workers and being cheering and outgoing. . .I wonder if that really is who I am. Will there be a day when the real, happy, outgoing me will be the norm instead of the sad, down, depressed me? I guess I will hold on to the hope that it will.

One of the girls from work had her little son with her. He's about 20 months old and absolutely adorable. He's trying to say like every word he can including "crustacean." We were at a Chinese/Sushi place that had fresh lobsters. Leave it to me to put some science into his brain ;-)
The poor thing has been sick and was a little grumpy so I took him for awhile so his mom could get her food put in the to-go box and pay her bill and it made me think only one thing and I will only say it really quick then put it away and not think about it anymore....I want to be a mom.

Ok time to continue my good day! I am going to watch TV and maybe have some peppermint-schnapps spiked hot chocolate even though I'm full from the sushi.

no idea

I have no idea what to get J for Christmas. I honestly never even thought I'd have the chance. . .(which is another issue altogether, why I keep thinking it's going to come to an end any day now) and now I have no idea.

He loves James Bond movies so I bought him two of those he doesn't have. But I don't want that to be all I get him. I'm trying to think of everything I know he likes but I can't come up with anything! There is something I know he'd like but it requires a long drive to get it and I am carless (something from the pottery shop). And something else I know he wants costs too much. I'd get it for him but I don't have the money (an iPod nano). I have no idea what he is getting me or how much he is spending on me.

Time is running out. And I'm stuck. He won't give me any ideas either. I'll keep thinking.

I really am tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of my funk. It's causing even the simplest of tasks to feel like huge chores and most of the time I just want the comfort of my nice warm bed especially when I really am supposed to be up getting ready for work.
The sermon in church yesterday was good. The pastor basically talked about how for a lot of people, Christmas isn't joyful; it's a time when the pain of losing someone or something bad that's happened seems to come out more. We have to remember that and not be ashamed to let ourselves feel. I'm feeling like that now; there are some things about Christmas I'm looking forward to and even though I know I really have no reason to be down, overall I am and I'll just look for the glimmers of light that come through the funk.

This weekend I went to J's cousin's graduation with his family. Saturday was a LONG day. The normal 2 1/2 hour drive to Manhattan became about 4 because of the bad weather. The roads weren't too bad but we still had to be cautious. Same way with the drive back. By the time we got home everyone was exhausted and tense. Then my truck started acting up about 8 miles from J's house. I had to drive back to his place hoping I'd make it; I didn't want to risk driving all the way home or get stuck somewhere on the side of the road. And because he wouldn't have any time at all to take me home on Sunday, he took me that night. He got home a little after 1. I felt bad because I knew he had a long day on Sunday, as usual, and he had already driven all day. He's going to try to take my truck to get looked at today. . .although the weather is supposed to get bad again so I don't know if he'll get to.
One thing I always think about when these things happen is my financial situation. I'm almost 27 years old and I will be asking my parents for money to get my truck fixed. And because of my irresponsible choices with money, I will not get a different vehicle for a very very very long time.

Even with my funk, I'm trying to remember things I'm thankful for and that make me happy. Here's a few things I'm thankful for:

1) I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend who will drive me home at midnight when there's ice starting to fall even after driving all day and he is exhausted. And I'm thankful that he really is someone I can trust and talk to even when I still have a hard time of it. And he's good at driving in winter weather so that means I won't have to :-)

2) I'm thankful that even with my truck broken down it's not affecting me too much. I can walk to work as usual and the grocery store is right next door. And now I have friends who I can call if I do need to go somewhere, like church yesterday (J MADE me call and ask to get a ride, it was extremely annoying, but I am glad I got to go, it was the first time I sang in the choir) and Bible study tonight.

3) I'm thankful for heat. Last winter in the apartment I was in, the little window unit heater didn't do such a great job. Even though I still seem to feel cold when it is 72 degrees in my apartment, I'm thankful I have a better heater and can warm up a little better.

Here are some things that make me happy:

1) Hot cocoa (and the occassional addition of peppermint schnapps)
2) My Christmas tree. It's bright and as J said, fancy.
3) Curling up on my couch and watching White Christmas. What will make me even happier is if I can get J to actually watch it with me at some point ;-)
4) Painting a kind of abstract butterfly. . .I haven't had much luck with the painting thing but I really like how it turned out.
5) Knitting. I am now working on the third little accessory scarf that I am just having a blast making. Very simple and I love sitting around the table with the ladies at the office during our daily coffee break; almost everyone sits around and knits!

Speaking of which, it's time for it now!

My goal today is just to remember to be thankful and enjoy the moments of light. . .

My favorite picture

This fall, I drove by two huge sunflower fields outside of J's town. I borrowed his camera and took about 4 rolls of film so that I could give a few of them to my mom for Christmas. I finally developed them this week and got them back to discover there were several very good ones. My favorite? This one of a monarch butterfly. I have a few with the butterflies; I think I will make a photo collage for myself.



I love butterflies.