I know most of you will probably think I'm nuts, but I am totally in LOVE with this dress:
Christian Lacroix
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
A secret revealed
Ok. . .so. . .still don't feel much like blogging.
However, I did want to let you all know that so far, so good when it comes the medicine. I've actually already been feeling better. I've been in a pretty good mood for the last week. I went on a little road trip for work last week and had a wonderful time. It was almost like a mini-vacation even if I was interviewing people and just driving around in the emptiest parts of Kansas. I did eat a lot of Mexican food, including a place in Salina called Nacho Mama's! Ok it wasn't the best food but it's also a sports bar that looked like it would be fun.
Friday, I had just about the best time with Jason (OHHHHH!!!! That's it! That's his name!!!! I figured it was about time!) that I've had in a long time. He did too. Good enough to even give me a kiss right in front of the couple of youth group kids that were with us. And we had a good time last night at Bible study and tonight at a basketball game.
So yes, I'm feeling better. I don't know if it's normal to feel better right away but I guess only time will tell. I'll enjoy it while it lasts and accept being happier whatever the reason. I hope it continues.
However, I did want to let you all know that so far, so good when it comes the medicine. I've actually already been feeling better. I've been in a pretty good mood for the last week. I went on a little road trip for work last week and had a wonderful time. It was almost like a mini-vacation even if I was interviewing people and just driving around in the emptiest parts of Kansas. I did eat a lot of Mexican food, including a place in Salina called Nacho Mama's! Ok it wasn't the best food but it's also a sports bar that looked like it would be fun.
Friday, I had just about the best time with Jason (OHHHHH!!!! That's it! That's his name!!!! I figured it was about time!) that I've had in a long time. He did too. Good enough to even give me a kiss right in front of the couple of youth group kids that were with us. And we had a good time last night at Bible study and tonight at a basketball game.
So yes, I'm feeling better. I don't know if it's normal to feel better right away but I guess only time will tell. I'll enjoy it while it lasts and accept being happier whatever the reason. I hope it continues.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Happy (weird) Valentine's Day
Yesterday was a weird day.
It was Valentine's Day but really I don't get my Valentine's Day until tomorrow. J told me last week that what he really wanted to get me was a dog. Isn't that so sweet? I really, really want one but I can't afford the pet deposit for my apartment. And I can't really afford the expense of a dog either. I would want to make sure I took as good care of it as I could. So maybe another day I will get a dog. I was so amazed that is what he was going to do.
I can't even do anything that big for him, which I absolutely hate. I know of a few things he wants, like a watch, an iPod, and a video game. However, I am going to make him sugar cookies and decorate them with stuff he likes. Like one I'll decorate as a basketball, one as a video game controller, one with something medical-related, stuff like that. Then I'll do a few mushy heart ones ;-) I hope he likes them. I'll be working on them all this evening. I wish I could do something more, but, maybe I will be able to another day.
I was just a little bitty bit disappointed that I did not get a delivery at my office yesterday. I've never gotten Valentine's Day flowers before. . .I kinda wanted some. But, here's the thing, he helps a flower shop deliver on busy days like yesterday and I'm sure that he could get some sort of deal by getting flowers there, so maybe, just maybe, I still may get some. We'll see.
Ok I started talking about yesterday being a weird day and got a little sidetracked. The biggest thing about yesterday was that I went to the doctor. I had passed out almost 2 weeks ago and J was worried about me and kept on me to go, so I did. They did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was fine and I'll hear about the blood test results sometime next week. I had been helping someone move that day and was a bit anxious about some stuff with J (we had a major miscommunication about something) and I honestly think I was dehydrated & my blood pressure may have been a bit out of whack since I went from sleeping to up and moving around (it was in the middle of the night). I don't really know. We'll see what comes out of the blood work.
Another thing that happened at the doctor was that I was once again perscribed an anti-depressant. That was the hardest part because I've been struggling with the idea of taking one again. It's been so difficult to admit and come to grips with the fact that I am not really okay and that it's okay to get help. I struggle with the thought that I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a job, I work with wonderful people, I have a church I like, friends, a boyfriend, a wonderful-loving family. . .there are so many people with tons more problems than what I have. But yet, I find it difficult to do anything but sit and watch TV when I get home from work. I can't let myself enjoy being at a basketball game with J. Having to gather up my laundry every two weeks and do it seems to be a huge chore that is almost impossible to do, I haven't been able to go to choir at all even after being really excited about it after the musical. I haven't been able to make myself get a part-time job so I can start making a dent in my credit cards nor been able to start the process of doing what I need to do to go to grad school. I just hate this overall feeling of being unhappy, having no motivation, and feeling like my life is meaningless right now. Goals I might have had have gone out the window. I don't know what I should be preparing for or working towards. And sometimes I get so sick of thinking of only myself. J got into the PA program and I didn't even think of doing something for him as a congratulations. Kids from his youth group got him a cake and are having a BBQ for him tomorrow. I didn't do anything. And he's been so great about trying to understand what I'm going through and being there for me.
In all this I still try to hope that God has something for me. That this isn't what he has in mind for me, that somehow I won't always be like this. I really, really hope.
I guess we'll see.
It was Valentine's Day but really I don't get my Valentine's Day until tomorrow. J told me last week that what he really wanted to get me was a dog. Isn't that so sweet? I really, really want one but I can't afford the pet deposit for my apartment. And I can't really afford the expense of a dog either. I would want to make sure I took as good care of it as I could. So maybe another day I will get a dog. I was so amazed that is what he was going to do.
I can't even do anything that big for him, which I absolutely hate. I know of a few things he wants, like a watch, an iPod, and a video game. However, I am going to make him sugar cookies and decorate them with stuff he likes. Like one I'll decorate as a basketball, one as a video game controller, one with something medical-related, stuff like that. Then I'll do a few mushy heart ones ;-) I hope he likes them. I'll be working on them all this evening. I wish I could do something more, but, maybe I will be able to another day.
I was just a little bitty bit disappointed that I did not get a delivery at my office yesterday. I've never gotten Valentine's Day flowers before. . .I kinda wanted some. But, here's the thing, he helps a flower shop deliver on busy days like yesterday and I'm sure that he could get some sort of deal by getting flowers there, so maybe, just maybe, I still may get some. We'll see.
Ok I started talking about yesterday being a weird day and got a little sidetracked. The biggest thing about yesterday was that I went to the doctor. I had passed out almost 2 weeks ago and J was worried about me and kept on me to go, so I did. They did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was fine and I'll hear about the blood test results sometime next week. I had been helping someone move that day and was a bit anxious about some stuff with J (we had a major miscommunication about something) and I honestly think I was dehydrated & my blood pressure may have been a bit out of whack since I went from sleeping to up and moving around (it was in the middle of the night). I don't really know. We'll see what comes out of the blood work.
Another thing that happened at the doctor was that I was once again perscribed an anti-depressant. That was the hardest part because I've been struggling with the idea of taking one again. It's been so difficult to admit and come to grips with the fact that I am not really okay and that it's okay to get help. I struggle with the thought that I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a job, I work with wonderful people, I have a church I like, friends, a boyfriend, a wonderful-loving family. . .there are so many people with tons more problems than what I have. But yet, I find it difficult to do anything but sit and watch TV when I get home from work. I can't let myself enjoy being at a basketball game with J. Having to gather up my laundry every two weeks and do it seems to be a huge chore that is almost impossible to do, I haven't been able to go to choir at all even after being really excited about it after the musical. I haven't been able to make myself get a part-time job so I can start making a dent in my credit cards nor been able to start the process of doing what I need to do to go to grad school. I just hate this overall feeling of being unhappy, having no motivation, and feeling like my life is meaningless right now. Goals I might have had have gone out the window. I don't know what I should be preparing for or working towards. And sometimes I get so sick of thinking of only myself. J got into the PA program and I didn't even think of doing something for him as a congratulations. Kids from his youth group got him a cake and are having a BBQ for him tomorrow. I didn't do anything. And he's been so great about trying to understand what I'm going through and being there for me.
In all this I still try to hope that God has something for me. That this isn't what he has in mind for me, that somehow I won't always be like this. I really, really hope.
I guess we'll see.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I dog-sat over the weekend. It was fun. The dog is a boxer and is just the most wonderful, playful, loveable animals ever, even if she did want to wake me up at 3 am. And 6 am.
So I ended up having a really good weekend...one of the reasons for this was the fact that J came up to see me on Saturday. I didn't even know it until that morning. He had to work but came up after. I was so surprised. I didn't expect it at all. I didn't even want to ask him because I didn't think he'd want to especially because he had come up for Bible study this week. But he did and we got Applebee's carside-to-go and watched a movie. We also had a long talk while we ate, mainly about things going on with me. It's hard sometimes. . .he doesn't really get what I'm going through and he wants me to explain it fully but it's so hard to because half of the time I don't know why I feel the way I do or I can't figure out why I can't make myself do certain things. He tries to ask questions in order to understand but it doesn't help when I can't give a solid answer to the questions.
I loved that he came to see me though. I'm going to a nearby high school basketball game tonight. Should be fun, I think.
So I ended up having a really good weekend...one of the reasons for this was the fact that J came up to see me on Saturday. I didn't even know it until that morning. He had to work but came up after. I was so surprised. I didn't expect it at all. I didn't even want to ask him because I didn't think he'd want to especially because he had come up for Bible study this week. But he did and we got Applebee's carside-to-go and watched a movie. We also had a long talk while we ate, mainly about things going on with me. It's hard sometimes. . .he doesn't really get what I'm going through and he wants me to explain it fully but it's so hard to because half of the time I don't know why I feel the way I do or I can't figure out why I can't make myself do certain things. He tries to ask questions in order to understand but it doesn't help when I can't give a solid answer to the questions.
I loved that he came to see me though. I'm going to a nearby high school basketball game tonight. Should be fun, I think.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
someone to talk to
It's so hard not to look back at other relationships and realize that one of the things I miss about them is being able to really talk to the other person. And not always a deep, meaningful conversation but just whatever came up. There was one guy that I would spend hours and hours with, talking online, right up until we would finally go to bed. Same with another one, we'd be online or talk on the phone for hours and hours. We never wanted to hang up.
But now there's this relationship. I can barely get him to call me. When I call him, I always feel like I'm interrupting whatever he's doing, even if it's watching mystery science theatre, like tonight. Instead of spending hours on the phone, I'm lucky if we talk 15 minutes. It's been a difficult adjustment. When we hang up, I sit here and wish I had someone to talk to. I don't think "I'm glad we got to talk." It doesn't even seem to bother him.
I'm dog-sitting this weekend. To him I'm busy, so it's just a schedule conflict that will prevent us from seeing each other. I don't even bother to ask if he'd want to come up here because he's been up here twice in the last week and he has to work on Saturday. I hate feeling like I can't even ask. I hate that I just sit here figuring there's no chance of him even considering it.
But now there's this relationship. I can barely get him to call me. When I call him, I always feel like I'm interrupting whatever he's doing, even if it's watching mystery science theatre, like tonight. Instead of spending hours on the phone, I'm lucky if we talk 15 minutes. It's been a difficult adjustment. When we hang up, I sit here and wish I had someone to talk to. I don't think "I'm glad we got to talk." It doesn't even seem to bother him.
I'm dog-sitting this weekend. To him I'm busy, so it's just a schedule conflict that will prevent us from seeing each other. I don't even bother to ask if he'd want to come up here because he's been up here twice in the last week and he has to work on Saturday. I hate feeling like I can't even ask. I hate that I just sit here figuring there's no chance of him even considering it.
Monday, February 04, 2008
blogging boredom
I have realized that I have just gotten bored with this blogging thing. I always feel like I'm writing about the same things over and over again.
I am just going to give a brief overview of what has been going on:
1) I am learning how to budget! After Christmas I cut up the credit card I'd be using and now I'm living on only what I have which isn't a lot. I've been making it work although it's been really difficult not being able to go buy new clothes. I'm sick of my wardrobe. One thing I need to go ahead and do is get a part-time job. . .just to have a little extra $$ and also start making a significant dent in the credit card debt. I've been saying this since the first of January but have yet to fill out an application anywhere.
2) Things with J are hopefully getting better. This weekend we had a bit of a fight mainly because of some miscommunication. We're talking through it and going to work on the communication thing. We've been relying on text messaging too much and it's causing problems. I saw him tonight and we had a good time. Oh! He got into the physician's assistant program and will start school up here in June.
3) I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue applying to grad school for the fall. I may see about going part-time until my job is over and until I feel like finances will work out for me to go full-time.
4) Since I wrote about J's grandma being sick, I will give you an update. She got out of the hospital today and is feeling much better but is definitely tired so she still needs rest. But now, J's sister has a very contagious form of the flu so the doctor told her she needs to stay away from her 1-year old daughter for about 4 days. Her daughter (R) has been sick in the last few weeks as well, so hopefully she doesn't get sick again. J left Bible study early tonight to go take care of R so that his grandma (who was taking care of her) can rest until his parents get there to take care of her. So basically the whole family needs prayer and they are all basically sick, tired, and/or stressed. I really wish I could do something to help. It's difficult being far enough away that I can't just drive down there.
5) Ok now on a more personal note. . .I think depression has been hitting me pretty hard lately. I really am tired of it. . .I need to go to a doctor anyway and have been thinking about seeing about getting some medication. But it's hard to think about going back on medication. . .I don't know if I really want to. But we'll see.
Ok that's my life in a nutshell. If I ever have anything super exciting happen or some wonderful thoughts or ponderings I'll share.
I am just going to give a brief overview of what has been going on:
1) I am learning how to budget! After Christmas I cut up the credit card I'd be using and now I'm living on only what I have which isn't a lot. I've been making it work although it's been really difficult not being able to go buy new clothes. I'm sick of my wardrobe. One thing I need to go ahead and do is get a part-time job. . .just to have a little extra $$ and also start making a significant dent in the credit card debt. I've been saying this since the first of January but have yet to fill out an application anywhere.
2) Things with J are hopefully getting better. This weekend we had a bit of a fight mainly because of some miscommunication. We're talking through it and going to work on the communication thing. We've been relying on text messaging too much and it's causing problems. I saw him tonight and we had a good time. Oh! He got into the physician's assistant program and will start school up here in June.
3) I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue applying to grad school for the fall. I may see about going part-time until my job is over and until I feel like finances will work out for me to go full-time.
4) Since I wrote about J's grandma being sick, I will give you an update. She got out of the hospital today and is feeling much better but is definitely tired so she still needs rest. But now, J's sister has a very contagious form of the flu so the doctor told her she needs to stay away from her 1-year old daughter for about 4 days. Her daughter (R) has been sick in the last few weeks as well, so hopefully she doesn't get sick again. J left Bible study early tonight to go take care of R so that his grandma (who was taking care of her) can rest until his parents get there to take care of her. So basically the whole family needs prayer and they are all basically sick, tired, and/or stressed. I really wish I could do something to help. It's difficult being far enough away that I can't just drive down there.
5) Ok now on a more personal note. . .I think depression has been hitting me pretty hard lately. I really am tired of it. . .I need to go to a doctor anyway and have been thinking about seeing about getting some medication. But it's hard to think about going back on medication. . .I don't know if I really want to. But we'll see.
Ok that's my life in a nutshell. If I ever have anything super exciting happen or some wonderful thoughts or ponderings I'll share.
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