Happy (weird) Valentine's Day

Yesterday was a weird day.

It was Valentine's Day but really I don't get my Valentine's Day until tomorrow. J told me last week that what he really wanted to get me was a dog. Isn't that so sweet? I really, really want one but I can't afford the pet deposit for my apartment. And I can't really afford the expense of a dog either. I would want to make sure I took as good care of it as I could. So maybe another day I will get a dog. I was so amazed that is what he was going to do.

I can't even do anything that big for him, which I absolutely hate. I know of a few things he wants, like a watch, an iPod, and a video game. However, I am going to make him sugar cookies and decorate them with stuff he likes. Like one I'll decorate as a basketball, one as a video game controller, one with something medical-related, stuff like that. Then I'll do a few mushy heart ones ;-) I hope he likes them. I'll be working on them all this evening. I wish I could do something more, but, maybe I will be able to another day.

I was just a little bitty bit disappointed that I did not get a delivery at my office yesterday. I've never gotten Valentine's Day flowers before. . .I kinda wanted some. But, here's the thing, he helps a flower shop deliver on busy days like yesterday and I'm sure that he could get some sort of deal by getting flowers there, so maybe, just maybe, I still may get some. We'll see.

Ok I started talking about yesterday being a weird day and got a little sidetracked. The biggest thing about yesterday was that I went to the doctor. I had passed out almost 2 weeks ago and J was worried about me and kept on me to go, so I did. They did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was fine and I'll hear about the blood test results sometime next week. I had been helping someone move that day and was a bit anxious about some stuff with J (we had a major miscommunication about something) and I honestly think I was dehydrated & my blood pressure may have been a bit out of whack since I went from sleeping to up and moving around (it was in the middle of the night). I don't really know. We'll see what comes out of the blood work.

Another thing that happened at the doctor was that I was once again perscribed an anti-depressant. That was the hardest part because I've been struggling with the idea of taking one again. It's been so difficult to admit and come to grips with the fact that I am not really okay and that it's okay to get help. I struggle with the thought that I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a job, I work with wonderful people, I have a church I like, friends, a boyfriend, a wonderful-loving family. . .there are so many people with tons more problems than what I have. But yet, I find it difficult to do anything but sit and watch TV when I get home from work. I can't let myself enjoy being at a basketball game with J. Having to gather up my laundry every two weeks and do it seems to be a huge chore that is almost impossible to do, I haven't been able to go to choir at all even after being really excited about it after the musical. I haven't been able to make myself get a part-time job so I can start making a dent in my credit cards nor been able to start the process of doing what I need to do to go to grad school. I just hate this overall feeling of being unhappy, having no motivation, and feeling like my life is meaningless right now. Goals I might have had have gone out the window. I don't know what I should be preparing for or working towards. And sometimes I get so sick of thinking of only myself. J got into the PA program and I didn't even think of doing something for him as a congratulations. Kids from his youth group got him a cake and are having a BBQ for him tomorrow. I didn't do anything. And he's been so great about trying to understand what I'm going through and being there for me.

In all this I still try to hope that God has something for me. That this isn't what he has in mind for me, that somehow I won't always be like this. I really, really hope.

I guess we'll see.