Well Bible study ended up going well. We talked about spirituality and spiritual growth.

I ended up leaving work early today. I had a horrible headache and my stomach hurt. I came home and fell asleep for two hours. I feel a little better.

I had a good talk with a guy from work today. I asked him his opinion on some stuff about Jason in regards to his youth ministry stuff. One thing (not in relation to that) he said after telling him a few things about our relationship is that I deserve to be treasured in a relationship and it's obvious that I wasn't. I've been around him and his wife and it's good to see how they are together and I appreciated his encouragement. Maybe someday I'll find someone that will treasure me. If not, I'd definitely rather be single than be in a relationship that I am not treasured.

I feel bad. . .my cat keeps trying to climb on me but she's shedding like crazy so I really don't want her to. Plus you know I'm sitting here typing. Aww, now she's just resting her hed on my arm. Silly kitty. She's so cute. I was going to post a picture however something seems to be wrong with blogger and I can't. I'll try again later.

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to do for Bible study tomorrow. We started doing a study but it hasn't been working out very well so now we're stopping it and so I'm coming up with something from scratch. And I have no idea what to do.

I was thinking that maybe if I just start writing something I'll come up with something. Most of what I've been thinking about are things that I feel like aren't anything new; we've all heard it before. We all know that God loves us no matter what. We've been talking more and more about the kingdom of God being right here, right now and how we can live our lives knowing that. We've talked about how we can (and how we need to) reach out to people and love them. We all know that we are God's beloved children and because of Jesus we have access to the kingdom of God. Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok I'll admit it, sometimes I get sick of it all. I feel so incredibly STUCK. I feel like I can talk about these things; I feel like I can know these things but so what? What does it all really mean? What does it all really matter? What real purpose does it all serve in my life?

I continue to be so confused. I'm confused of what my life is. What it means. What I'm supposed to do with it. Right now I just feel like I'm going through all these motions of life not really knowing why or if I'm doing it right. I was ready to move last year. I was ready to get out of here, move back to IL, and start over. But no, I decided to stay. It's difficult...I mean, I honestly can't imagine my life any differently. I can't imagine not having the job at the conference office but I just am so frustrated that I am still so clueless it seems. The things I want the most are the things that I don't seem to have a chance at getting. And I don't mean material stuff. Maybe my problem is that I do want a relationship and family too much. Am I basing all my decisions upon that possibility even when I know that there's no guarantee of it happening? What am I living my life for really? I feel like everything I do is just a distraction from the fact that I still feel so alone. That I feel like I always will be. That I feel like the decisions I make are never the right ones. That I feel like I'm never going to figure any of this life stuff out. That I am never going to really be able to live.

And that instead of a relationship, I will only have a cat.

Ok so I don't think that helped with anything about Bible study.

Road trip

Well I'm off to Illinois tomorrow then Mississippi on Friday. I'm excited! I will get to see my sister and Kyle & Sarah tomorrow, then travel with Grandma and Grandpa, mom, and her two siblings, including my aunt that lives in England and I haven't seen in 5 years.

I'm really trying hard not to call or e-mail Jason. I re-read his e-mail and there are thing I missed. . .I know I shouldn't. And I probably won't because I know he doesn't want to talk to me.

Pray that I get to IL and back with my little old truck!

Well I guess it's natural that although I am relieved that things with Jason are over, I am also a bit sad and disappointed. I hate that I have cried but I know that if I need to, I just need to.

There were many good things about him. He did listen when I was struggling with something (ok for the most part) and he was encouraging and caring. I just know that he is not in a place that he could be the kind of guy I want. I don't doubt that he cared very much for me there were definitely things missing. He wasn't someone I could just relax with and enjoy a good conversation. We didn't "click." I had known this for awhile but I guess maybe I thought that things could get better the more we tried. He also would not make time for me other than just being around his youth group kids. We haven't spent time just on our own at all the last few months. I don't remember anytime after my birthday dinner really.

Oh well. I feel like I tried as hard as I could. I want (and deserve) someone who is going to make time for me even if he's busy. I want someone who isn't going to think that 15 minutes on the phone is all that is needed to carry on the relationship. I want someone that I can have fun with, relax with, and laugh with. I hope that there is someone out there who will see how amazing I am and that I can be the kind of girlfriend I know I can be.

I have no doubt that it won't take long to get over this. I have a supportive group of people around me this time. In fact, I'm going out with some girls on Friday night and then going to the zoo probably on Saturday! Woohoo! Oh! And I talked to a guy at church on Sunday. He seems really nice and actually looked me in the eye when he talked to me. And smiled at me. ;-)

Oh! And I forgot to mention that I have a cat now! She was a stray that kept hanging out around my office and she was getting harassed by mean male cats so I decided to take her home with me! She is SO adorable and cuddly. Her name is Zoe and she is a gorgeous white, black, and tan calico. She gives me kisses and is right now as we speak laying on my stomach (I'm reclined a little on my couch with the computer in my lap).

I feel very hopeful. I had gotten to a point that I felt better about everything else in my life except him. I know this is what is best. And I know that if there is someone out there for me, then it'll be worth waiting for and it'll be someone who is absolutely perfect for me. And will treat me the way that I deserve to be treated.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk!!!

The KU game was SOOOOO exciting!!!!

First, here's a link to a video that the co-worker I went with shot. This was after the game when we were downtown. It was so CRAZY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRvYHHhDgzM

The street was completely packed for blocks. They estimate there was at least 40,000 people there!

Then here's one right after they won. This was shot by a guy in front of us and we're in the video! We're near the bottom of the screen in the first 15 seconds or so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkEMEMsgwlI

Check out the photo gallery of the celebration in Downtown Lawrence: http://www2.ljworld.com/photos/galleries/2008/apr/07/fans_watch_championship_downtown_lawrence/

I'm FREE

Ok so I had e-mail Jason basically telling him the things I was unhappy about (and have been unhappy about) and told him that I wanted to talk about how to make things better especially if he wanted to continue the relationship. Well he decided to just e-mail me back and break up with me.

I was pissed that he did it that way. I left him a message saying that was the most immature and disrespectful thing he could have done, then I replied to a few things in his e-mail.

I am RELIEVED. I am disappointed, of course, but I am just so happy it's done. No more arguments about him not making time to spend with me or him making me feel like I'm expecting too much. He's really not that bad of a guy and I don't doubt that he to a certain extent cares for me but he definitely is not in a place where he can be the type of guy I want.

I brought treats to work to celebrate. And I'm going out on Friday. And probably to the zoo on Saturday. And I'm going to Mississippi and get to see my aunt who lives in England next weekend! Woohoo, I'm excited!

Ok so there will probably be more updates about the whole Jason situation. I finally sat down, wrote out everything I wanted to say and told him that if he really wants this to continue things HAVE to be different because my patience is wearing thin. I'll let you know what happens.

BUT the biggest most exciting news is that I'm going to Lawrence tonight to watch the KU-Memphis game!!! They open up the fieldhouse and show the game on the big screens and one girl from work is going and I'm going with her!!! It'll be so much fun especially if Kansas wins!

I'm not even really a huge KU fan (there are a lot of K-Staters here at the office so I've been pretty neutral) but I think it'll just be an awesome experience!!!

Go Jayhawks!!!!

a few updates

So a few updates. . .

Jason and I talked. Quite a while, in fact (well for us anyway). We're still together. We talked through stuff that was bothering me and it was good. What's funny is we both have people on our sides wondering why we are together. . .he said that although its been hard, he knows relationships are hard but working through everything will be worth it. And because of loving me so much he wants to keep working through it. I was talking to my sister and we started discussing how really, if anything, we're working through all the stuff that we'd probably have to work through if we were married already. We're just doing it ahead of time :-) Maybe, who knows.
Another thing I thought of is how really he isn't as experienced as other guys I've dated. . .I've never had to be very upfront about what I want. I need to work on being more vocal and explaining things.
He came up for Bible study on Monday and we had such a good time. We were just relaxed and comfortable and able to talk and laugh. I also got to see him on Tuesday; I went with him to a HS track meet. Unfortunately it was cut short when he had to take one of the kids to the hospital. Something happened after the kids ran and he had a horrible pain shooting through his side. They ruled out appendicitis but still unsure of what is wrong. I hope he's ok.

Another cool thing is that I'm enrolled in a certified nurse's assistant and medical terminology class for the summer. That way I can work in the medical field, make sure I really want to do it and after taking 3 more classes can hopefully get into the physician's assistant program next summer. I am still leaving it open; I figure there's no harm in taking the CNA class. It means I'll have a job, no matter what I end up doing. And even if I decide not to go for the PA program, I'll probably still do something in the medical field and the classes I have to take won't hurt any. I knew I at least had to find out if I definitely wanted to do something in the medical field. I mean everytime people talk about something having to do with medicine, my ears perk up and my curiosity goes up. Even today, a girl from work was talking about the back problems she has been having and after I got home I pulled out my anatomy book to see exactly what she was talking about. So I am definitely feeling better that I have a plan that is already being set into motion. One step at a time. . .I realized I was looking too far ahead and not just focusing on it little by little. It's better this way.

Ok so I guess that's the update. I feel excited that I have something to look forward to. And maybe even a trip to Washington! Especially because I have vacation time now. And don't know when I'll have it again! Woohoo!