So tonight I went to church. I had already been having a frustrating day. I needed to study. I have a test on Thursday and homework due on Wednesday. And some other stuff. Well I just didn't have the motivation. It was difficult to make myself sit still for very long. I got a little bit done. . .some stuff about the nucleus of a neuron. Big whoop.
So then I decided to go to church with my roommates. It's the church that I go to when I actually go. At first I wanted to go. I thought being able to worship would be good. God and I have been talking a little more lately. But right before I left I got all ansy anxious and restless. So then everything was pissing me off. Like iTunes taking forever to download a song.
(I have just realized that I use "so" a lot, oh well.)
By the time we actually got there and I saw that the praise choir was singing (which just changes the whole dynamic of the service...it gets very "mega-churchy") I didn't want to be there. I told God that. I told him very bluntly I wish I could get the fuck out of here. (normally I would apologize for my language but I'm tired of doing that, so I won't anymore)
I was on the verge of tears the whole time. the sermon was pretty good. The bulletin had excerpts of Les Miserables and the pastor showed clips of the movie. He compared Jean ValJean and Javert to Paul and Judas. Paul and Judas both betrayed Christ. Paul repented and accepted Christ's grace...Judas didn't and took his own life. Jean ValJean turned to God and accepted grace. Javert couldn't accept a life in which grace overruled the law and took his own life.
I feel like Judas. I see grace right in front of me, I feel like I've experienced it at one point but I'm still scared and unwilling to accept it.
So yes I was pretty much in tears. The kind of tears that would have choked me if I would have let them. But I couldn't. Not there. Not in that place. Not in front of my roomates.
I just wanted to get out of there. The little voice inside me was screaming to just fall down and weep but the other part of me said "no, it's too much, surrender is too scary."
I wish I could say that I came home and spent time in prayer and bible study and had some amazing God experience, but who the hell am I kidding? I popped some popcorn, made myself a drink and put on a movie.
And now here I am writing this, still not studying. Tomorrow I'll be stressed about what I didn't get done and what I have to finish in one day. Oh well.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Day 1
Today was day 1 of my blood type diet. In case you don't know what that is, it is a diet based on the theory that depending on your blood type, certain foods are beneficial or harmful for you. So I'm going to avoid all the "avoid" foods . . . I can't eat dairy (except a few kinds of cheese), any wheat products, and certain fruits (like oranges and tomatoes). I can only eat chicken and turkey. No beef, pork....I think it'll work out ok. I got soy milk to use in my oatmeal and soy creamer for my coffee. That's one thing, coffee is beneficial! woohoo! I can't drink black tea, but I can drink coffee. and red wine is beneficial; I'll have to take advantage of that one.
I have type A blood. I'm at higher risk for diabetes, heart disease, and other life-threatening illnesses. However, as a fellow type A friend put it, we're healthier than most people when it comes to everyday sicknesses. We don't get colds as often, or other things like that. For me it's true, I haven't been sick in years.
So I'll see how it goes. I may have to get decaf coffee to drink at night. I came home tonight and someone had turned off the heat! The temp was like 61! So I was freezing and needed something hot to drink. I can also drink green tea. I'll have to drink that more often.
Green tea, just fyi, is highly beneficial for everyone.
And today, my roommates and I went to look at an amazing apartment that is just minutes from downtown Denver and it's in this nationally registered historic building. It is absolutely gorgeous. All of us would love to move but I don't know if it'll be possible.. . .I figure I can dream though.
I have type A blood. I'm at higher risk for diabetes, heart disease, and other life-threatening illnesses. However, as a fellow type A friend put it, we're healthier than most people when it comes to everyday sicknesses. We don't get colds as often, or other things like that. For me it's true, I haven't been sick in years.
So I'll see how it goes. I may have to get decaf coffee to drink at night. I came home tonight and someone had turned off the heat! The temp was like 61! So I was freezing and needed something hot to drink. I can also drink green tea. I'll have to drink that more often.
Green tea, just fyi, is highly beneficial for everyone.
And today, my roommates and I went to look at an amazing apartment that is just minutes from downtown Denver and it's in this nationally registered historic building. It is absolutely gorgeous. All of us would love to move but I don't know if it'll be possible.. . .I figure I can dream though.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Something new
I decided to try a new template for my blog. Let me know what you think. I am not talented like some people who make all these custom-things. Oh well. :)
Today I helped a friend with Chemistry. I was so proud of myself! I actually knew what I was talking about!
I finally got to sleep after that night I couldn't. . .I won't complain that I got woken up at like 7 am though. hehehe I got more sleep after that.
Earlier today my roommates were talking about trusting God. . .and the more I listened the more I realized that I do not trust God. At all. Well maybe just a little, but not really. And I am very cynical sometimes.
I've read something from the Bible two nights in a row now. Even though I don't think it was God that did anything to make me not trust Him (it's just my own turning away), you know, like a friend would hurt me, I am going to have to be as careful and cautious trying to get back to having a relationship with him.
We'll see how it goes.
Today I helped a friend with Chemistry. I was so proud of myself! I actually knew what I was talking about!
I finally got to sleep after that night I couldn't. . .I won't complain that I got woken up at like 7 am though. hehehe I got more sleep after that.
Earlier today my roommates were talking about trusting God. . .and the more I listened the more I realized that I do not trust God. At all. Well maybe just a little, but not really. And I am very cynical sometimes.
I've read something from the Bible two nights in a row now. Even though I don't think it was God that did anything to make me not trust Him (it's just my own turning away), you know, like a friend would hurt me, I am going to have to be as careful and cautious trying to get back to having a relationship with him.
We'll see how it goes.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
It is like 1 am and I can't sleep
So I'm writing instead. My mind just won't shut off this evening. And I keep hearing banging noises that I think are from downstairs that are kinda irritating.
So the first thing I got to thinking about was how yesterday I sat and watched TV from about 1 pm until 11:30 pm. That's a lot. It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing. Today I sat from about 5 until 11:30...I went to work for the afternoon or I probably would've watched Tv again all day. I really need to do something about this. I don't like that it's so easy for me to just sit. I really need to be taking more time to study and read and I need to start doing some kind of aerobic activity. I really need to get out of the habit of just mindlessly staring at the TV. (I did buy Beautyshop today and watched that. it's hilarious!)
I admit though I really like watching my TV shows and movies. Movies will always be my favorite pastime.
I've been feeling better the past week or so. I actually started thinking about graduation and I felt hopeful. Even though I have to work for a awhile to pay off credit card bills, I feel hopeful that I will be able to do that and then go on to do something else. I have even been thinking about really pursuing going to school in NYC so I have the chance to live there. How awesome would that be? We'll see.
Even though I have felt better for a little while here, there is still that thought of "oh just wait a few days and you'll be back to your depressed self again." I know that I'll still get down and I have a long way to go to actually be content but I'm working on it. You know I know it sounds silly, but watching the movie Last Holiday actually helped me to start feeling better. I got to thinking about how much I worry and how seriously I take things; I want to be able to relax and be more carefree especially about the little things. It's a good movie. Funny, lighthearted, and it has a good message. My favorite is when Queen Latifah's character is talking to God. It's more of what I want for a relationship with God than everything else I've tried.
Earlier this week I put on my jeans that I got for christmas that fit me wonderfully and a pretty cream colored sweater along with my brown wedge-heeled loafers and some earrings.. . I did my hair and makeup and was like "no one else may think it, but I look good today." I felt good too. I know appearance doesn't matter as much as what's on the inside but when I feel like I look good, I just feel better than when I'm in a sweatshirt and tennis shoes.
I've talked off and on with some other people about the whole depression thing. It really is hard. I know for me I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be depressed but it is still hard. It's like this horrible, scary shadow of fear, loneliness, and anxiety that overtakes you. I admit that it really hasn't been as bad as about a year ago. It has been getting better. Hopefully it will continue to.
I really want to start focusing on getting to know Jesus and get past the religious part. I need to get past all of the religious American christianity that I dislike so much. In fact, I think I will go try to do something I haven't done in a really long time: open my Bible. And once I open it maybe I'll try to read something that is in it. Baby steps, people, baby steps. (there's a commercial like that. . .it's funny)
So the first thing I got to thinking about was how yesterday I sat and watched TV from about 1 pm until 11:30 pm. That's a lot. It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing. Today I sat from about 5 until 11:30...I went to work for the afternoon or I probably would've watched Tv again all day. I really need to do something about this. I don't like that it's so easy for me to just sit. I really need to be taking more time to study and read and I need to start doing some kind of aerobic activity. I really need to get out of the habit of just mindlessly staring at the TV. (I did buy Beautyshop today and watched that. it's hilarious!)
I admit though I really like watching my TV shows and movies. Movies will always be my favorite pastime.
I've been feeling better the past week or so. I actually started thinking about graduation and I felt hopeful. Even though I have to work for a awhile to pay off credit card bills, I feel hopeful that I will be able to do that and then go on to do something else. I have even been thinking about really pursuing going to school in NYC so I have the chance to live there. How awesome would that be? We'll see.
Even though I have felt better for a little while here, there is still that thought of "oh just wait a few days and you'll be back to your depressed self again." I know that I'll still get down and I have a long way to go to actually be content but I'm working on it. You know I know it sounds silly, but watching the movie Last Holiday actually helped me to start feeling better. I got to thinking about how much I worry and how seriously I take things; I want to be able to relax and be more carefree especially about the little things. It's a good movie. Funny, lighthearted, and it has a good message. My favorite is when Queen Latifah's character is talking to God. It's more of what I want for a relationship with God than everything else I've tried.
Earlier this week I put on my jeans that I got for christmas that fit me wonderfully and a pretty cream colored sweater along with my brown wedge-heeled loafers and some earrings.. . I did my hair and makeup and was like "no one else may think it, but I look good today." I felt good too. I know appearance doesn't matter as much as what's on the inside but when I feel like I look good, I just feel better than when I'm in a sweatshirt and tennis shoes.
I've talked off and on with some other people about the whole depression thing. It really is hard. I know for me I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be depressed but it is still hard. It's like this horrible, scary shadow of fear, loneliness, and anxiety that overtakes you. I admit that it really hasn't been as bad as about a year ago. It has been getting better. Hopefully it will continue to.
I really want to start focusing on getting to know Jesus and get past the religious part. I need to get past all of the religious American christianity that I dislike so much. In fact, I think I will go try to do something I haven't done in a really long time: open my Bible. And once I open it maybe I'll try to read something that is in it. Baby steps, people, baby steps. (there's a commercial like that. . .it's funny)
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Brokeback Mountain
I saw Brokeback Mountain tonight.
It was really good. It was really intense.
There's so much I could say about it. . .
First of all, the direction, cinematography, and acting were all amazing. Heath Ledger was absolutely wonderful. He deserves all the recognition (i.e., award noms) he's getting. And the scenery! Oh my goodness, it was beautiful!
It was interesting to see how the characters related to one another and how they affected different people in their lives. It didn't matter that it was two men. It could have been anybody. Right or wrong, it could have been anybody.
I know a lot of people won't see it because they think of it as just the "gay cowboy" movie but it's really so much more than that.
I don't know what else to say; it was just really good.
It was really good. It was really intense.
There's so much I could say about it. . .
First of all, the direction, cinematography, and acting were all amazing. Heath Ledger was absolutely wonderful. He deserves all the recognition (i.e., award noms) he's getting. And the scenery! Oh my goodness, it was beautiful!
It was interesting to see how the characters related to one another and how they affected different people in their lives. It didn't matter that it was two men. It could have been anybody. Right or wrong, it could have been anybody.
I know a lot of people won't see it because they think of it as just the "gay cowboy" movie but it's really so much more than that.
I don't know what else to say; it was just really good.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Spa day
So I've been thinking of ways and things to do to make me feel better about myself. And I thought maybe taking time to pamper myself could be something. So I have decided to initiate spa day. Or at least my version of it that won't take an entire day but only an hour or so. I took a shower, deep conditioned my hair, shaved, exfoliated, slathered on lotion, painted my nails. . . and now I feel relaxed.
Now usually when I focus on myself too much that just makes me feel worse; I start to feel guilty. But I don't want to feel guilty about doing this. Because I know that if I start to feel better about myself, then I'll feel better equipped to do things for other people. I'm at a point where I feel that I don't have anything to give to others at all. And maybe if I do some pampering on the outside it'll help me want to feel good physically on the inside as well. Like drink more water, less soda (It'll probably help my skin a little), eat better, etc.
We'll see.
Now usually when I focus on myself too much that just makes me feel worse; I start to feel guilty. But I don't want to feel guilty about doing this. Because I know that if I start to feel better about myself, then I'll feel better equipped to do things for other people. I'm at a point where I feel that I don't have anything to give to others at all. And maybe if I do some pampering on the outside it'll help me want to feel good physically on the inside as well. Like drink more water, less soda (It'll probably help my skin a little), eat better, etc.
We'll see.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Driving
I wish I could quit driving. It always pisses me off. I either get mad at myself or mad at other people and yell explicitives constantly. But I guess not driving wouldn't really work; I need to get places. I just need to learn not to get mad when other people are stupid.
Anyway, I decided to drop Physics this semester. With all my other classes, I knew I wouldn't do well at all. So I decided to wait and take it another time when I can concentrate on it more.
So I have been trying to figure out how I can be more ok with myself. That seems to be the basis of a lot of my problems. I always seem to be reminded of getting made fun of, being ignored, and being told I wasn't good enough. That shit is so engrained in me that I don't know how to get past it. And now there's all this stuff that continues to plague me like feeling ugly, not smart enough, etc, etc, etc. Same old crap. It's really tiring.
I want to get past it though, somehow.
Anyway, I decided to drop Physics this semester. With all my other classes, I knew I wouldn't do well at all. So I decided to wait and take it another time when I can concentrate on it more.
So I have been trying to figure out how I can be more ok with myself. That seems to be the basis of a lot of my problems. I always seem to be reminded of getting made fun of, being ignored, and being told I wasn't good enough. That shit is so engrained in me that I don't know how to get past it. And now there's all this stuff that continues to plague me like feeling ugly, not smart enough, etc, etc, etc. Same old crap. It's really tiring.
I want to get past it though, somehow.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Mondays
Well it's official. Mondays are going to suck for the next 4 months. I will on campus from 9 in the morning to 9 at night. Oh what joy, what bliss.
I really hope I can keep a straight head this last semester. The last time I attempted to take 4 hard classes and work, I ended up on anti-depressants. I don't think that'll happen this time; I have a nice room to retreat to now. . I think I'll be fine. Just really freakin busy.
:)
I really hope I can keep a straight head this last semester. The last time I attempted to take 4 hard classes and work, I ended up on anti-depressants. I don't think that'll happen this time; I have a nice room to retreat to now. . I think I'll be fine. Just really freakin busy.
:)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
One quarter of a century
Well today is it. My 25th birthday. It has been a good one, I can honestly say. I went to church this morning for the first time in months and enjoyed it for the most part. It's still hard for me to actually be there. I know it will be difficult for awhile. I'm going to try to keep going. Then after church I came home, had some lunch and went to a movie. I was going to go by myself but then my roommate came too. She didn't know it was my birthday today and I didn't want to be like "it's my birthday, you have to do something" but then she just out of the blue asked when it was and couldn't believe it was today and that i hadn't said anything. :) So we went to the movies and she's going to buy me dinner tonight.
We saw the movie Rumor Has It. I liked it, there were a couple of weird parts but that's hollywood for ya. It was interesting because the first thing the main character says is something about not knowing who she was. She was supposed to be about 33 I think. . .I don't want to be that old and still not like who I am. Or know who I am.
My friend Val brought up the fact that I need to come to a point where I can deal with myself before I can be content. I'm not sure how to do that. Another friend brought up making myself point out the positives. I'm thinking of going back to counseling too. I really shouldn't have stopped, I don't think. I think when it comes down to it, I don't like myself. I don't see myself as anyone who is worth anything. I mean even today, I didn't want to point out that it was birthday even though I know my roommate would genuinely want to celebrate with me. If I would have thought about it earlier I probably could've asked some people over and they would have loved to come. But. . .I just . . .I don't know.
I think I want to try to get to know God again, somehow. I want to get past all of my dislikes about american christianity and try to see who God really is.
I'm tired of being trapped in this little world of hating myself. It gets really hard.
Anyway, here's to being 25. . .I hope it turns out better than I think it will.
We saw the movie Rumor Has It. I liked it, there were a couple of weird parts but that's hollywood for ya. It was interesting because the first thing the main character says is something about not knowing who she was. She was supposed to be about 33 I think. . .I don't want to be that old and still not like who I am. Or know who I am.
My friend Val brought up the fact that I need to come to a point where I can deal with myself before I can be content. I'm not sure how to do that. Another friend brought up making myself point out the positives. I'm thinking of going back to counseling too. I really shouldn't have stopped, I don't think. I think when it comes down to it, I don't like myself. I don't see myself as anyone who is worth anything. I mean even today, I didn't want to point out that it was birthday even though I know my roommate would genuinely want to celebrate with me. If I would have thought about it earlier I probably could've asked some people over and they would have loved to come. But. . .I just . . .I don't know.
I think I want to try to get to know God again, somehow. I want to get past all of my dislikes about american christianity and try to see who God really is.
I'm tired of being trapped in this little world of hating myself. It gets really hard.
Anyway, here's to being 25. . .I hope it turns out better than I think it will.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Thoughts
Ok just a warning this will probably be a downer of a post. I'm in a downer mood this evening and want to get some stuff out.
I just went to get some pizza and was thinking about this on the way there, in the store, and on the way back.
I'm going to be 25 on Sunday. One quarter of a century. My life has not been anything that I thought it would be. I always figured I'd be like my sister. She went to college, met someone, got married, had kids. . . it's not perfect, I know, but I get so envious of her sometimes. Her life just seems together.
I just have a hard time being happy with my life.
Sure I'm going to graduate from school this year (3 years later than originally planned) but thanks to my wonderful credit card use, I'm going to have to wait at least 2 years if not more before I actually go on with my career, which I feel like I'm just settling for because I can't do what I would love to do. I'm not even going to say what that is because it's just so out there. So instead I want to study medicine. Not a dishonorable profession but I'm afraid that with my gpa it will not become a reality for me.
You know what I really wish? I wish I could just be content. I wish I could joyful over all even though things aren't like I thought they'd be. I wish I thought that if something actually bad happened to me, I could actually handle it. I mean so much has happened to people lately: hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, and deaths and none of it has happened to me. My life hasn't been that hard really. Yet I hate it. My life sucks. I have no hope for anything to ever go right.
I feel like such a. . . . not necessarily a screw up but kinda like that. I mean, why did I have to be the depressed one? The one that spends too much money? the one who is undisciplined, angry, and bitter?
After I graduate, I have to get a job. A job that will help me start paying off my credit cards. I need to pay them off before I even think about anything else. Plus student loans. I know, I know almost every college grad has to deal with that. But with the other bills to pay, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I've thought about moving back to Illinois...I can live at my grandma's old house (meaning no rent to pay) and I'll be closer to my family but the thing is it scares me. I feel like if I go back I'll have to stay forever.
Colorado hasn't quite turned out like I thought it would. For the most part I like it but I just figured I'd end up happier. I don't even know what I expected.
I also thought maybe I'd be more on track with the whole God thing. I don't trust God at all. Anytime anything is mentioned about God, Jesus, or Christianity I just get squirmy. I don't like the small-minded conservative type of American Christianity that I see at my school, in my family, and so many people that I am around. Is there something else? Of course, at the same time I can't say that I like the super liberal Christianity that doesn't seem to believe anything too concrete at all.
So I don't know. I guess I'll just go to school and try to get by and try to ignore the unhappiness. Maybe one of these days I'll become numb to it.
Like I said, I know my life hasn't been too hard. I haven't had to deal with anything really major. Which makes me feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. oh well.
I just went to get some pizza and was thinking about this on the way there, in the store, and on the way back.
I'm going to be 25 on Sunday. One quarter of a century. My life has not been anything that I thought it would be. I always figured I'd be like my sister. She went to college, met someone, got married, had kids. . . it's not perfect, I know, but I get so envious of her sometimes. Her life just seems together.
I just have a hard time being happy with my life.
Sure I'm going to graduate from school this year (3 years later than originally planned) but thanks to my wonderful credit card use, I'm going to have to wait at least 2 years if not more before I actually go on with my career, which I feel like I'm just settling for because I can't do what I would love to do. I'm not even going to say what that is because it's just so out there. So instead I want to study medicine. Not a dishonorable profession but I'm afraid that with my gpa it will not become a reality for me.
You know what I really wish? I wish I could just be content. I wish I could joyful over all even though things aren't like I thought they'd be. I wish I thought that if something actually bad happened to me, I could actually handle it. I mean so much has happened to people lately: hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, and deaths and none of it has happened to me. My life hasn't been that hard really. Yet I hate it. My life sucks. I have no hope for anything to ever go right.
I feel like such a. . . . not necessarily a screw up but kinda like that. I mean, why did I have to be the depressed one? The one that spends too much money? the one who is undisciplined, angry, and bitter?
After I graduate, I have to get a job. A job that will help me start paying off my credit cards. I need to pay them off before I even think about anything else. Plus student loans. I know, I know almost every college grad has to deal with that. But with the other bills to pay, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I've thought about moving back to Illinois...I can live at my grandma's old house (meaning no rent to pay) and I'll be closer to my family but the thing is it scares me. I feel like if I go back I'll have to stay forever.
Colorado hasn't quite turned out like I thought it would. For the most part I like it but I just figured I'd end up happier. I don't even know what I expected.
I also thought maybe I'd be more on track with the whole God thing. I don't trust God at all. Anytime anything is mentioned about God, Jesus, or Christianity I just get squirmy. I don't like the small-minded conservative type of American Christianity that I see at my school, in my family, and so many people that I am around. Is there something else? Of course, at the same time I can't say that I like the super liberal Christianity that doesn't seem to believe anything too concrete at all.
So I don't know. I guess I'll just go to school and try to get by and try to ignore the unhappiness. Maybe one of these days I'll become numb to it.
Like I said, I know my life hasn't been too hard. I haven't had to deal with anything really major. Which makes me feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. oh well.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
The states I have visited
create your own visited states map
now technically I've been to Arizona but only just enough to get to Las Vegas. . . . so I didn't include it. I may have also driven through South Carolina at some point but I don't remember.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
New Year
I go back to CO on Wednesday. I have mixed feelings about it. I'll be glad to be back to my own place and I'm excited to start my last semester (I am actually graduating, I never thought I'd make it!) but on the other hand tonight after I left my sister's house I just cried and cried. I will miss my family so much. Tonight my parents, brother, grandparents, and sister's family got together for me and my neice and nephew's birthdays; it was great. After we ate, we played a game that the kids got. It's a kids game so they were all excited and just playful and outgoing.They've grown up so much! My neice is so sweet and fun (when she gets wound up, she is wound up big time) and my nephew is this little silly, kooky boy. So much time has passed. I was only 16 when my neice was born, my nephew was born two years later. I was only 12 when my sister and her husband started dating. Doesn't seem possible.
I know the new year is always a time to think back on the previous year and look ahead to the next. I don't know what will happen after I graduate but it looks like it will be better for me to stay in Colorado. I've really gone back and forth about it. I really want to try to have a better outlook on life this year.....I realized how pessimistic I've been lately and I really want to change that.
my brother wants his computer now so I'll write when I get back home.
Happy New Year!
I know the new year is always a time to think back on the previous year and look ahead to the next. I don't know what will happen after I graduate but it looks like it will be better for me to stay in Colorado. I've really gone back and forth about it. I really want to try to have a better outlook on life this year.....I realized how pessimistic I've been lately and I really want to change that.
my brother wants his computer now so I'll write when I get back home.
Happy New Year!
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