not missing you at all

So even though I feel like I'm doing better it doesn't change the fact that this still sucks. The one person I want desperately to talk to, I can't. The one person I want in my life isn't. And he wasn't in my life for a really long time. . .but then he was and now that he's not anymore, it really sucks. I didn't think I would lose him again. I miss him. I miss the kids. This just all sucks.

Anyway. . .I'm glad it's almost time for my trip. I'm working for a few hours tomorrow morning (6 am morning, ick) then driving. I'm excited. I have needed to get away from here for about a month and a half. I won't get away long enough.

After I get back though I have to be more serious about looking for a new job. I like the hotel. . .but it just doesn't pay enough.

I'll write about the trip when I get back.

a new day

I feel better. I'm tired from working 10+ hours a day the last two days but I'm going away for the weekend so I'm looking forward to that.

I went to church Sunday. And right up until I was leaving the parking lot of my apartment complex I wasn't sure where I was going. I ended up at Dave's church. I decided that, at least for that day, that I didn't have the energy to go to a totally foreign church hoping I might like it. I purposefully got there late so I could just slip in and not have to do the greeting part (still the most uncomfortable part of a service for me). I didn't see him except for when he sang a solo during the offering. And even then I didn't really look at him. It was good hearing him sing though; he did a really good job. He's gotten a lot better since his church camp days.
Anyway it was a good service. I'm glad I went. I was shaking the entire time almost but I am really glad I went. I needed it. I needed to be able to go, worship the way I wanted and be able to say to God that I was going to depend and trust in him. Cause I don't have anything else. It's just me and God now. I don't know if I'll continue to go to church there but I might just so I can get to a place where my life doesn't feel so upside down. The truth is though, I really like it there. It seems like the kind of church that could become my church, even if it is an AG church (it doesn't really seem like it most of the time, honestly). I've never really had a "my church" before. So we'll see.

This weekend I'm going to Illinois for a few days. Saturday I'm going with my mom to a Cardinals game. My dad was supposed to go but he ended up scheduling a wedding. I was disappointed. Going to a baseball game with my dad has always been one of my most wonderful childhood memories. But it's ok, there will be other times. Mom and I will have fun. She's been so great the last few weeks, just being there for me, I'm grateful that we'll have some time to spend together. I see so much of her in me. . .sometimes whether I like it or not. I'm a pretty strong mix of both of my parents actually. Anyway before the game I'm going to buy a Cards t-shirt cause I've never had one before. And depending on how much it costs, I'm going to see about getting a stuffed Fredbird at the Build-a-Bear workshop that is set up before the game! I saw a picture and it's adorable. I really hope they win. . .they've lost the last like 5 or 6 games. That would suck if the first game I go to in like 3 years they lose.

So. . .I feel like I'm doing better. Going to church helped. I'm really trying to do the whole depend on God thing. It's difficult, I've never been good at it. But here goes. The whole situation still sucks but I know I'll be fine. I'll make it.

Hurt

I am hurt. I hurt. The part of my brain that controls emotions is working overtime. Then the tears start flowing. I can't stop them.

The other day, the first season of 24 (Dave's favorite TV show) was on sale at Target. I almost bought it. That was going to be one of his Christmas presents.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to be all alone here. I thought it was real. I really thought it was real.

I don't know what to do. I don't like being this way. I wish I wasn't.

I keep wondering why he doesn't want me. Why doesn't he love me? And if we weren't supposed to be together then why did this happen? Did I miss some huge sign?
I just don't understand. Everything seemed to fall into place...

And now. . he doesn't care. It isn't anything to him that I'm not in his life anymore. He can go on and be fine. And me? I'm stuck. I have thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt that I have no hope of being able to pay unless I get a really good job. And I can't go on to grad school until that happens. I don't have anything to look forward to. Right now everything seems hopeless. Ok maybe not completely hopeless. . I'm sure eventually I won't feel hopeless...but the thing is I miss him so much. And I still love him. And I HATE that I'm the one who is crying AGAIN. It took me 3 years to get over the last guy and that was almost nothing. What if it takes that long to get over him? And this was a lot more (at least it seemed like it). I mean, it was more. . .I think so anyway. . .see now I don't even know.

I went to the animal shelter today. There weren't any dogs, but there were a few adorable kittens. . .I can't decide if I want to go with getting a cat again or if I want to save my money for a yorkie. I really want a dog but they cost at the least $400 and at the most $2000.

it just hurts being here. I can't afford to move anywhere. I don't know what to do.

ok so. . .

ok maybe it's not fair of me to say he doesn't care. I don't know really if he does or not. Most likely, to some extent I'm sure he does. In fact I'm sure he does. . .

I don't think either of know what to think right now.

Oh my gosh

The seasons premiere of Grey's anatomy is TOMORROW. And I am going to miss it!!!! It just hit me! And I can't believe I'm going to miss it.

Wake me up when September ends

I love that Green Day song. It's perfect right now. Right now though I just wish it was June so I could leave Kansas.

I gave up living with some pretty good roommates, cable, internet, and rent lower than what I'm paying now along with a washer & dryer. I also had a chipotle nearby, TOTT, and New York & Company.

I have to miss the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. And Gilmore Girls. I'm paying more for rent now, I have to pay to do my laundry, I have to find a good chinese place, and there is no New York & Company. There's no Whole Foods Market here either.

Right now that's all I can think of. I can only think of how much I gave up to be here. When I thought I was getting married (or at least in a long term relationship leading to that) it was all worth it. No cable? No big deal, Dave gets ABC through his antennae. I was going to get him hooked on Grey's. We were going to watch Gilmore Girls together.

He plays tennis at my apartment complex. MY apartment complex! And of course I ended up seeing him yesterday because I brilliantly decided to check my mail. Then I returned the drill I borrowed from him. I wanted to act all cool and content but I said a quick "here's the drill" and walked away. I couldn't even look at him. It's not fair. He was supposed to be playing tennis with me. It's not fair that I'm the one alone out here. Still crying. Still all turned upside down. AND HE'S FINE. He doesn't care that I"m not apart of his life anymore. HE DOESN"T CARE. I saw him yesterday and even though I had had a good day I fell apart. I couldn't keep the tears in. But him, oh no, it doesn't matter if he sees me. Doesn't faze him a bit. He can go on and be fine. It's not FAIR. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to get my heart broken AGAIN. I wasn't supposed to be left out in the cold, all alone, working at a stupid job that doesn't pay enough, having to find a place to go to church and find friends. AND I CAN'T. Even when Dave got divorced, he had friends here, he had his kids to keep him going, he had a church to go to and people to be there for him.
I don't have ANYTHING.

And the worst part of it is. . .I would do anything to have him back. I have to fight against myself everyday to not call him.

I can't wait until September is over. And October, November, and on through June.

This sucks. BIG TIME.

What a day

Yes I changed the name again (but aren't you glad I didn't change the address?). I realized that Little Studio is more of a tribute to the Little House books. And trust me, the studio is LITTLE. Ok, ok I know most are but I seriously need a bigger place. Of course, all 6 of Laura's family probably lived in a place smaller than this at some point. Whoa. . .

Anyway, today started off as a crying and wallowing day, then became a "I have to buy groceries and do all this normal life stuff" day, then I came home and ended up talking to my mom for awhile. It ended up being a good conversation...there have been times the last few weeks that she's gotten on my nerves but she's really been there for me over the last month. Oh yeah, and for the 25 years before that. Anyway...we talked and I ended up realizing a lot of stuff about my relationship with Dave. Dave was determined that I needed to have my own life here. And he was right I do need that. It always seemed though he expected it to happen instanteously or at least after only a few weeks. Well, as wonderful as that might be, it's unrealistic. Neither of us realized how hard it was going to be for me to move here. And it was and still is. I mean I am still learning how to get around. I really don't know my way around; I know the little ways to get to places I go. There was one time we went to this pizza place and for the life of me I would never have been able to tell anyone that it was right next to Wal-Mart. I figured it out a few weeks later. Anyway, what I needed was someone who was going to be understanding and supportive of the fact that it was going to take time to feel comfortable in a new place. He tried sometimes, but my way of settling in wasn't his way, I don't think. He wanted me to get out and meet people right away and that is something that takes me time to do. And when I was going to his church I had more of a chance of doing that. He was always insistent that I "get out of my comfort zone" and get to know people. But I was thinking the other day that none of the people I am friends is because I was anyone other than who I am. I didn't have to be someone I'm not. Somehow we met, we clicked and got to know each other. Heck the same thing happened with Dave. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't or get out of my comfort zone (the whole idea of the comfort zone thing is irritating anyway, it's like saying people who aren't super-outgoing and easy to get along with are lepers or something, but that's a whole other issue). Dave has a job that forces him to be outgoing, which is fine, but I can almost guarantee that the people he is closest with are the people who know that he is not always the outgoing people person he has to be a lot of the time.
I didn't have to be someone I wasn't with Dave until I got here. I was still the same person, I was just an unsettled and feeling somewhat in need of something familiar and comfortable me. He couldn't handle that. And to a certain extent I couldn't handle it either. I didn't like it. I can take care of myself, I know that but when I first got out here I needed someone who was going to be there for me even when I wasn't the strong independent woman. I just needed someone who understood how difficult it was. And he did try, I think, but I think we had different ideas of how that was to be done. He has very much of a problem-solver personality and feeling like there's nothing for him to do to fix the problem is hard on him.

Most of you that know me know that I am NOT the super-outgoing, perfect, perky Christian girl. And most of you really appreciate that about me. It seemed Dave appreciated that about me too. Even though, when I got here, I started getting a different impression. It was ok for me (sometimes) until I was around people he knew, until I was at his church. I have found out that I have a method of becoming comfortable in a new environment. I stick to myself and observe at first. I see how people interact. I observe what is going on. Then, slowly, I begin to open up. And it seems that naturally I start gravitating towards people who I become interested in spending time with. That started happening and then, of course, ended. I was disappointed. And in the time I started gravitating (ok I was still in the very beginning stages of gravitating) I realize that I was not trying to be anyone but myself. And unless they were just being nice, they seemed to think that was ok.

I don't like being fake. It's hard for me to put on a smiling face when I don't feel like smiling. And it's hard for me to be convinced I should smile whether I feel like it or not. That's just the way I am. I'd rather be real. Real about who I am, how I feel, and what I think. Right now I feel like crap. Depending on God isn't easy right now and I usually have to choke out the words "I will trust you" and it takes all the strength I have to do it. Yesterday I yelled at God. If I have learned anything over the last few years it's that I have to be honest with God. Even if it means being angry at him, I have to keep communicating. He knows that. He can handle that. No, breaking up and being in a new city isn't the end of the world but it is still hard. God knows that praying and reading my Bible is hard for me to do. In fact most of the time the Bible pisses me off. God knows that about me. And I know he'll help me work through it.

I know I can be hard to get along with and sometimes difficult. I can be selfish and lose my cool. But I also know that I am a very caring person, I love to do new things, I take joy in things that are familiar (like starbucks and reading the little house books for the zillionith time), I love doing things for people (even though I knew I didn't have to, I loved helping Dave around his house), I get excited about watching a baseball game, I get worked up and upset when I see someone getting treated unfairly, I think thunderstorms are beautiful, I love to sing, I feel a a twinge of motherly love still when I think of those four wonderful kids, I get irritated by people who drive stupid, I feel a wave of joy and at the same time, sadness when I think of my friend who is pregnant (more joy than sadness). I can be super sweet one minute and a bitch the next. And you know what? That's ok. I want the sweet times to out number the bitchy times but if I want to be bitchy I'll be bitchy. And this all is ok. It's all who makes me who I am. I am passionate and caring, sometimes ditzy and like a little child, full of wonder and excitement. I am a person who wants and deserves someone who is going to care about me through all my ups and downs, through the times I am weak and times I am strong, someone who is going to woo me with notes, e-mails, voice mails, & flowers (I have realized that getting a dozen roses from a man is something I really want someday). I deserve someone who will stand beside me, respect me, and who will make me feel loved and cared for. I thought Dave could be that...I hoped he could be, for awhile, to a certain extent he was...sometimes I kinda wish he still could be. But I have to hope that God is not going to leave me out in the cold with the whole marriage and family area. I desire that and if God really wants to give me the desires of my heart. . .then I have to keep believing it'll happen someday.

I'm still very sad about all this. I don't like that I have lost someone I had just gotten back. I don't like that it seems like it is so easy for him to forget about me completely, whether it is or not. I don't like that I am so alone out here. I wish I could see him. I wish I could get a hug from him. I wish I didn't think that I wish I never found him again. Or at least that I wish we didn't become so close. I hate that we never got to go to a baseball game together. I wish that hearing the first few chords of fishin in the dark last night didn't almost make me start crying. . .if I wasn't going into a gas station I probably would have. I want to be able to remember how much fun we had even if it didn't last very long. There are songs that I will never be able to listen to without thinking of him. I will never be able to check the score of a Cardinals game or watch one without thinking of him.

And of course, as long as I live in Kansas I will never be able to wake up without remembering why I moved out here. And how it didn't work. That part stinks because every morning I just want to cry and transport myself somewhere else. Oh well, hopefully that'll pass with time.

Ok time for a brownie.

One month

It has been one month.
I'm not doing too well right now, I must admit. I don't care about being strong or trying to be ok. If I stop to think too much I just start crying. Or I get angry.
I tried going to church today. I stayed about 15 minutes. I couldn't stand it. All I could think about was how I was supposed to be at a different church. I was supposed to be at with Dave or at my church in CO. I shouldn't be having to look for another one. I had found one. And then I decided to leave to be here. And then I had the hope of having a home church. With people around me that I could get to know and be friends with. And now that's all gone.

And quite honestly I have a very strong F#*& it attitude right now.

People keep saying that I'm lucky. I'm young, unattached and now I can do anything I want. I'm sorry but that's bullshit. I've been young and unattached for awhile now and I'm damn sick of it. And now what? Do I stay here? Do I go back to CO? Do I go to IL? (I really don't think I want to do that) Right now I'm broke. I have no money. I really can't afford to move. If I stay here, I may as well stay so I can go to school and get in-state tuition. But if I don't want to go to school here I need to go to CO so I can get in-state tuition there. If I have to wait a year to move then that puts me a year behind. Of course, with my job situation I need that year to make up for the credit cards I'm not able to pay off right now.

I can take the MCAT in January now that they've got the computer based test. That gives me a lot of time to review and study. Of course then I'd have to take physics. If I do nursing, I'm basically only going to get a second bachelor's degree although there are always nursing jobs everywhere. Physician's assistant is a two-year program and I do a lot of things doctors get to do & get paid better than nurses. There are three classes I'd have to take though.

All of this though. . .I don't care. I can try to go through my life being the modern career woman but really I don't care. I feel like the one thing I have always wanted was dangled in front of me then ripped away. And now here I am, alone, angry, and depressed. A state that I really really really didn't want to be in again, especially so soon after feeling like I was doing better. And that's the thing I was. I thought I was. Meeting Dave was a continuation of that happy thing. But no, why would I actually be able to be happy?

I don't know how to be ok here. Everyday I wake up I am reminded of how everything went wrong. How I gave up so much to be here and now I am all alone. I thought I had found someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone I could have a family with. Someone who would love me and be there for me. Someone I could love and be there for.

I was wrong. And it sucks. It hurts. It makes me never want to trust any man again. It makes me never want to trust how I feel about anyone again. How can I? I am always wrong. It always seems to be real. Then it is over. And I'm the one who is crying and alone.

I don't even think he cares about me at all.

I miss him.

Perspective

I wrote this yesterday but the internet messed up so it didn't get published and I lost what I wrote.

I have a hard time with perspective. I means who cares that I broke up with my boyfriend. A lot worse things have happened. I mean, two days was the 5 year anniversary of the World Trade Center/Pentagon attacks. A day that thousands of people have to remember as the most horrible day of their lives.
I have friends who have lost parents, and other important people in their lives. The only person I have lost was my 90 year old grandmother.
And breaking up with Dave is nothing compared to the fact that he's been divorced. I can't even imagine how hard that is and then having to raise 4 kids on top of that.

Yes, the fact that I moved adds to the difficulty of this break-up. And I have lost someone. Someone that means so much to me. And I lost 4 little people too. I don't like thinking that I wish that I never found him again or that I became friends with him. Unfortunately I kinda feel that way right now. I hope that doesn't last.

I bought Anchorman the other day. He loves that movie. One time, when I was still in CO, I watched it and we typed lines of the movie back and forth. It was fun. I can still watch the movie. And it just makes me smile. I'm glad of that. There are a few other things that I hope I can do, listen to, and watch someday without it being too hard.

At the end of the month I'm going to go to IL. I'm going to go to a Cardinals game with my dad. It's one of the things that I always remember doing with dad. What's funnny is Dave is going to at the same game. I really wanted to go to a game with him. That was one of the things we were going to do together.

I know I'll be ok...but it's just hard. Everything is messed up and upside down and confusing. I want something to look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything. . .just the hope that my life will not always suck. Someday I'll be happy. I was happy for awhile...finding Dave added to the happiness. I thought that would continue longer than a few months. I'm tired of being so unhappy. And right now I just don't know how to try to be happy. Half of the time I feel like I'm going to explode. I am just so alone here. There I go again losing perspective. I'm healthy (I'm sure if i started drinking some water instead of soda all the time I'd be healthier), I have a job (even if it doesn't pay enough), I have a roof over my head, people who love me, etc, etc, etc.

The thing is though. . .the one person I want to love me, doesn't. And right now that seems to overshadow all the things that I'm supposed to look at and be thankful for.

Guess I'll still work on that perspective thing.

New church #1

For the first time since Dave & I broke up I didn't have to work on Sunday morning and so I got to wake up and pick a church to try. Any of you that know me, know that going to new churches is one of my least favorite things ever. Before I left my apartment I almost starting crying. Well I did start crying actually but stopped so I wouldn't mess up my makeup. But after church, however, the tears flowed freely. I tried a United Methodist church. It wasn't horrible...very traditional which I don't totally hate but I'm too much of a singer to want to go to a church that sings like 2 songs and then barely sings them. I like guitars and drums. I want them at church. I like pianos and organs too but I really want the guitars and drums. And not in the "this is the cool thing to do so we're going to try it whether we're good at it or not" or the super "mega-churchy" way.
I got home and was just thinking about how I had just gotten to the point where I liked going to church and I liked the church I went to in CO. I loved the music, the preaching, and taking communion every Sunday. I liked being able to go on Saturday night when the crowd was a little smaller and more informal.
And now here I am starting from scratch in like every aspect of my life including finding a church, once again, on my own.
I liked the idea of having someone to go to church with when I first got here. I liked the idea of having a church home. I was getting to the point where I liked going to Dave's church. I liked the people I met, I liked the preaching and if I sang loud enough I could shut out the music leader's annoying voice. No, going to an assemblies of God church wasn't my first choice necessarily but it wasn't as bad as ones I had been to. There wasn't a "only those who speak in tongues will inherit the earth" mentality. And after hearing how supportive the church had been of Dave and his situation it sounded like somewhere I would want to try. So now it's just frustrating having to find a new place. And I'm in a place that seems to either be super super Bible belt traditional or trying to break into the mega-church business. I already looked to see if there was an evangelical Presbyterian (the kind of church I went to in CO) church here but there's not.

Well I guess I'll find another church to try next Sunday.

new name, new look

So as you can see I changed the name of this blog and the look. The URL is the same though (to make it easy for you all). I figured it was time since I'm in a new stage of my life. A stage I'm really not enjoying right now. I'm staying alive by watching hours of Gilmore Girls, munching on parmesan garlic chips, and drinking dr. pepper. I really want to get back on the healthy water-drinking, blood-type diet track but right now it's not working too well. Oh well. Tomorrow I'm going to make myself at least go walking. Last time I tried playing tennis I killed my arm all over again. And my knees hurt.

So here's to my life on the prairie.

Happy & not-so-happy things

There are many wonderful things that make me happy and things that make me not-so-happy.

Let's start with the not-so-happy: realizing your ex is really a jerk. I had hints (especially after I got here) and some people mentioning things to that effect but I never really believed it until yesterday. He never bothered to call me when he found out that my truck was dead. I left two messages asking for his help. I was really hurt that he didn't even bother calling me back. I talked to him online and told him this...the best he could do was say that he called a few people to see if anyone could help me. I really wanted to be like "oh gee thanks that's wonderful, that makes me feel better" in the best possible sarcastic IM possible. I didn't. It was upsetting that the one person I thought I could count on to at least offer help (knowing that I don't have many people out here to call) is, in fact, someone I can't count on at all. He didn't care that I needed help at all. I didn't think he was that kind of person. So after that happened and after I talked to a trusted friend, I began to realize how selfish he was during the relationship and how selfish he continues to be. I'm still thinking through all of that.

Ok saying all that one of the things that makes me happy is knowing I don't need him at all. Turns out that my battery was dead in my truck. I got someone from the hotel to take me to and from work and jump my truck (which was the first step in figuring out what was wrong) and then got a ride to wal-mart to get a new battery and then changed it myself. It makes me happy that I can do things like that.

It also makes me happy to eat chocolate creme Oreos and milk. And to go to Krispy Kreme for donuts. The hot now sign wasn't on but then I walked in to find that there was hot donuts! I ordered two but then got an extra free one! Woohoo! So I got donuts, a bottle of milk (which I used for the oreos).

Oh! Oh! And it makes me happy when Target sells the DVDs of Gilmore Girls for under $20! I already had the first two seasons and so I bought seasons 3 and 4. I would have bought 5 but they were out. I'll have to go to the little Target.

I know I will be just find here. If I have to stay until my lease is up, ok but I know I'll be ok. Without the guy who did not, in fact, treat me well. He knew he didn't which is why we had to break up. At least I can be thankful for that.

And it just keeps getting better

Ok, ok, ok I know that compared to what other people have to go through, my life doesn't seem too horrible. But I also know there is no point in minimizing my feelings. They're a big deal to me.

My truck is dead. I just drove it like an hour ago and now it's dead. What's even better is I was supposed to go to work tonight. And of course the only person I know to call to see if I can get a ride is Dave and he didn't answer his phone. I don't even know if he's in town.

And of course it's a holiday so I can't rent a car. However I probably will tomorrow. I have to have a way to get to work. And hopefully Dave will be a friend and help me with my truck.

To be perfectly honest, I am not doing well. Right now I can handle the whole busted relationship thing but the being all alone out here and feeling so upside down and messed up I can't handle. And my truck doesn't help at all.

I hate being all whiny and miserable. Over the last year, I was getting over being miserable. . .I was hoping I could continue getting over it and be happy for awhile and maybe avoid the depression thing for awhile.

oh well.

I'm lonely.

I want someone to hang out with. And not just anyone.

I wonder if he even thinks about me or wonders about me.

Does he pick up his phone and think about calling me like I do? I doubt it.

I miss him.

Did I mention I'm lonely?