One month

It has been one month.
I'm not doing too well right now, I must admit. I don't care about being strong or trying to be ok. If I stop to think too much I just start crying. Or I get angry.
I tried going to church today. I stayed about 15 minutes. I couldn't stand it. All I could think about was how I was supposed to be at a different church. I was supposed to be at with Dave or at my church in CO. I shouldn't be having to look for another one. I had found one. And then I decided to leave to be here. And then I had the hope of having a home church. With people around me that I could get to know and be friends with. And now that's all gone.

And quite honestly I have a very strong F#*& it attitude right now.

People keep saying that I'm lucky. I'm young, unattached and now I can do anything I want. I'm sorry but that's bullshit. I've been young and unattached for awhile now and I'm damn sick of it. And now what? Do I stay here? Do I go back to CO? Do I go to IL? (I really don't think I want to do that) Right now I'm broke. I have no money. I really can't afford to move. If I stay here, I may as well stay so I can go to school and get in-state tuition. But if I don't want to go to school here I need to go to CO so I can get in-state tuition there. If I have to wait a year to move then that puts me a year behind. Of course, with my job situation I need that year to make up for the credit cards I'm not able to pay off right now.

I can take the MCAT in January now that they've got the computer based test. That gives me a lot of time to review and study. Of course then I'd have to take physics. If I do nursing, I'm basically only going to get a second bachelor's degree although there are always nursing jobs everywhere. Physician's assistant is a two-year program and I do a lot of things doctors get to do & get paid better than nurses. There are three classes I'd have to take though.

All of this though. . .I don't care. I can try to go through my life being the modern career woman but really I don't care. I feel like the one thing I have always wanted was dangled in front of me then ripped away. And now here I am, alone, angry, and depressed. A state that I really really really didn't want to be in again, especially so soon after feeling like I was doing better. And that's the thing I was. I thought I was. Meeting Dave was a continuation of that happy thing. But no, why would I actually be able to be happy?

I don't know how to be ok here. Everyday I wake up I am reminded of how everything went wrong. How I gave up so much to be here and now I am all alone. I thought I had found someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone I could have a family with. Someone who would love me and be there for me. Someone I could love and be there for.

I was wrong. And it sucks. It hurts. It makes me never want to trust any man again. It makes me never want to trust how I feel about anyone again. How can I? I am always wrong. It always seems to be real. Then it is over. And I'm the one who is crying and alone.

I don't even think he cares about me at all.