I am sitting here trying to figure out what to do for Bible study tomorrow. We started doing a study but it hasn't been working out very well so now we're stopping it and so I'm coming up with something from scratch. And I have no idea what to do.

I was thinking that maybe if I just start writing something I'll come up with something. Most of what I've been thinking about are things that I feel like aren't anything new; we've all heard it before. We all know that God loves us no matter what. We've been talking more and more about the kingdom of God being right here, right now and how we can live our lives knowing that. We've talked about how we can (and how we need to) reach out to people and love them. We all know that we are God's beloved children and because of Jesus we have access to the kingdom of God. Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok I'll admit it, sometimes I get sick of it all. I feel so incredibly STUCK. I feel like I can talk about these things; I feel like I can know these things but so what? What does it all really mean? What does it all really matter? What real purpose does it all serve in my life?

I continue to be so confused. I'm confused of what my life is. What it means. What I'm supposed to do with it. Right now I just feel like I'm going through all these motions of life not really knowing why or if I'm doing it right. I was ready to move last year. I was ready to get out of here, move back to IL, and start over. But no, I decided to stay. It's difficult...I mean, I honestly can't imagine my life any differently. I can't imagine not having the job at the conference office but I just am so frustrated that I am still so clueless it seems. The things I want the most are the things that I don't seem to have a chance at getting. And I don't mean material stuff. Maybe my problem is that I do want a relationship and family too much. Am I basing all my decisions upon that possibility even when I know that there's no guarantee of it happening? What am I living my life for really? I feel like everything I do is just a distraction from the fact that I still feel so alone. That I feel like I always will be. That I feel like the decisions I make are never the right ones. That I feel like I'm never going to figure any of this life stuff out. That I am never going to really be able to live.

And that instead of a relationship, I will only have a cat.

Ok so I don't think that helped with anything about Bible study.