I've been sitting here trying to figure out what I want to write. I want to write something but. . .
Hmm well to start off with I have my last finals week of my undergraduate career this week. And I have pretty much wasted the entire weekend. Seriously I haven't studied at all hardly. I am the living definition of senioritis! Oh well. I'll be done by Wednesday and then my parents & brother will be here on Thursday evening. Then graduation is on Saturday! Woohoo! I'm so excited to be done!
So over the last 5 weeks I've gotten to re-know a dear friend of mine. In a few weeks we're going on a roadtrip...and I'm going to his sister's wedding with him. And then spend the day with him where he lives...I'm really looking forward to it. Getting to know him again (and better than I ever did before) has been wonderful. He is an amazing person and I'm so thankful for our friendship. I never thought I'd see or talk to him ever again. And then one day I found him again. MySpace actually ended up being useful. I'm one of those people who only has a select few close friends. I'm not someone with tons...I have my close ones and that's it. He's quickly being added to that category. Or really he pretty much is already. And I haven't even seen him yet! The one thing I'm looking forward to the most is getting a hug from him. I think we're both a little nervous about it...but more of an excited nervous. We'll both be grinning from ear to ear I'm sure. His kids are going to think we're nuts!
To quote Roman Holiday, "So happy. . ."
;)
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Me from A to Z
Me, A to Z
Accent: hmm well I grew up in Southern Illinois, I'm sure sometimes I get a little bit of a southern twang
Booze: Absolut Mandarin and sprite with an orange slice
Chore I Hate: cleaning of any kind, especially the dishes, except if the sink starts piling up I'll do them (or at least throw them in the dishwasher)
Dog or Cat: I like both
Essential Electronics: I'm pretty attached to my laptop
Favorite Perfume: hmmm toss-up between Prada, Chanel Chance, & Ralph Lauren Romance
Gold or Silver: silver
Hometown: none. . .at the moment I live in a suburb of Denver
Insomnia: no, if anything I sleep too much
Job Title: Student soon to switch to. ..who knows!
Kids: not yet
Living arrangements: small 3-bedroom rental...with a leaky faucet that drives me nuts
Most admirable trait: hmmm. . .I love my friends and would do anything for them
Number of sexual partners: nada (and that's the way its supposed to be right now)
Overnight hospital stays: none
Phobias: i can't think of one off the top of my head
Quote:Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
Religion: Christian
Siblings: one sister & one brother
Time I wake up: depends on when I have class, anywhere between 7 and 8 am...soon it may have to be earlier, eek!
Unusual talent or skill: Nothing unusual i don't think
Vegetable I refuse to eat: brussel sprouts
Worst habit: procastination
X-rays: teeth
Yummy foods I make: Pad Thai, pasta w/ pesto, broccoli, rice, & cheese casserole
Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Accent: hmm well I grew up in Southern Illinois, I'm sure sometimes I get a little bit of a southern twang
Booze: Absolut Mandarin and sprite with an orange slice
Chore I Hate: cleaning of any kind, especially the dishes, except if the sink starts piling up I'll do them (or at least throw them in the dishwasher)
Dog or Cat: I like both
Essential Electronics: I'm pretty attached to my laptop
Favorite Perfume: hmmm toss-up between Prada, Chanel Chance, & Ralph Lauren Romance
Gold or Silver: silver
Hometown: none. . .at the moment I live in a suburb of Denver
Insomnia: no, if anything I sleep too much
Job Title: Student soon to switch to. ..who knows!
Kids: not yet
Living arrangements: small 3-bedroom rental...with a leaky faucet that drives me nuts
Most admirable trait: hmmm. . .I love my friends and would do anything for them
Number of sexual partners: nada (and that's the way its supposed to be right now)
Overnight hospital stays: none
Phobias: i can't think of one off the top of my head
Quote:Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
Religion: Christian
Siblings: one sister & one brother
Time I wake up: depends on when I have class, anywhere between 7 and 8 am...soon it may have to be earlier, eek!
Unusual talent or skill: Nothing unusual i don't think
Vegetable I refuse to eat: brussel sprouts
Worst habit: procastination
X-rays: teeth
Yummy foods I make: Pad Thai, pasta w/ pesto, broccoli, rice, & cheese casserole
Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Good day
I had a good day yesterday and today. . .
Yesterday was just good. . .I got a very sweet e-card that managed to make me smile like a idiot at like 8 in the morning (not usual for me, it usually takes at least a few hours). Then the rest of the day was just pleasant with the exception of just one hour or so. . .which I got over by going on a lilac search. I found the most amazing lilac bush ever! It was huge! Then I found one that wasn't in someone's yard so I brought some home with me :) They're absoulutely wonderful. So after my lilac search I felt better about the not-so-great hour. Then later I got to talk on the phone for awhile and that was great too.
Today was my last day of classes!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOOO excited!!!!! I just have to get through finals and I'll DONE for good! (Or at least for now)
I found out about a possible job opportunity. . .which would start in June which means it wouldn't get in the way of my trip (very important consideration). So we'll see about that. It wouldn't pay that much (just enough) at first but I could probably get more later on.
So now I'm going to sing along to some Rascal Flatts before I start studying (Ugh).
I like good days. they make me happy.
Yesterday was just good. . .I got a very sweet e-card that managed to make me smile like a idiot at like 8 in the morning (not usual for me, it usually takes at least a few hours). Then the rest of the day was just pleasant with the exception of just one hour or so. . .which I got over by going on a lilac search. I found the most amazing lilac bush ever! It was huge! Then I found one that wasn't in someone's yard so I brought some home with me :) They're absoulutely wonderful. So after my lilac search I felt better about the not-so-great hour. Then later I got to talk on the phone for awhile and that was great too.
Today was my last day of classes!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOOO excited!!!!! I just have to get through finals and I'll DONE for good! (Or at least for now)
I found out about a possible job opportunity. . .which would start in June which means it wouldn't get in the way of my trip (very important consideration). So we'll see about that. It wouldn't pay that much (just enough) at first but I could probably get more later on.
So now I'm going to sing along to some Rascal Flatts before I start studying (Ugh).
I like good days. they make me happy.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Girls & Self-Esteem
Today's episode of Oprah was about girls & self-esteem, in particularly how mothers affect their daughters.
I've thought about this a lot. I have struggled with self-esteem a lot. I remember as I grew up that I was not the really pretty blond girl with the good clothes. I think I was probably a cute kid but I had glasses by the 4th grade and my clothes came from yard sales and wal-mart. And I also didn't have good friends. I always had friends who were constantly putting me down for one reason or another.
I never really got worried about my body image, I don't think, until I started gaining weight in the 8th grade. Before then I was pretty skinny. Although I was shopping in the junior's section before most of the other girls. Anyway I always wanted to go on a diet or lose weight. I was always criticizing myself to some degree. However, I never had an attitude that I was horrible and ugly...I just always wished I was thinner. Over the past few years I have probably gotten a little worse about it. But a lot of my insecurities about my external appearance really came from the inside.
I don't think I ever really heard my mother talk about her appearance, at least, not to the extent that it affected me. However, I do remember feeling like it was bad to think I was pretty. One time I told my mom that I thought I had pretty eyes and hair. Her response was "that sounds a little vain to me." Ok, so that meant to be a good little Christian girl I was not supposed to think I was pretty. I was supposed to be plain and ugly.
I've struggled with my girliness as well. I have always been into clothes and make-up. I love playing with new colors and making my eyes look really cool and dramatic. I like to look stylish and not like I just walked out of a dump. But many times I've been surrounded by girls who make these things seem so horrible that I would be made to feel bad about it. In fact my roommates last year had a whole little clique based on the fact they were not girly-girls. Of course, I wasn't in it. But I had to hear about it. And every time I did, I felt that there was something wrong with me.
I know now that there isn't. My best friends are the ones who know and love my excitement over getting dressed up and putting on my make-up. I know I don't need it, and there are times I don't bother, but I still enjoy it.
One thing that the show made me think about was if someday I have a daughter...I would love to have one. I hope I am able to show her what true beauty is and love her to the extent that she knows she is special and beautiful no matter what people are saying around her. I think that was a lot of my problem; I didn't have strong people around me (like in my family) that were countering the lies I got told in school or by the world around me. A lot of that goes into not being grounded in what God thought of me. Being more comfortable with myself inside and out has really come from realizing that I am loved by God. I've already noticed with my neice how much I want her to know how wonderful and special she is...I can't imagine how I'll feel about my own daughter someday, if I'm lucky enough to have one.
If I do have a daughter, I never want to criticize my appearance in front of her. The people Oprah talked to had basically taken what they heard their mothers say about themselves and applied it to them. It's so sad to hear how a 3 or 4 year-old is already worried that she's fat and ugly.
And I also realized that as sad as it is for me to think it is, it's sad for people who know me to hear me being down on myself. My desire to be healthier is still there and that will help me in the long run. But I know, no matter what, that I am beautiful and special and worth loving. And knowing that for myself is the most important. It feels good to actually see how I have changed my thinking when it comes to this. There is no perfect or normal when it comes to appearance. We are all so different. Different families have different traits. In my family the women are tall and plump. We have big eyes and gorgeous smiles. We have dark, beautiful, thick hair. We're not teeny-tiny and dainty. Thank God for that. We're women who can work, take care of our children, make really good food, and love the people around us. We can think, cry, pray, and rejoice. :)
It's good being me.
I've thought about this a lot. I have struggled with self-esteem a lot. I remember as I grew up that I was not the really pretty blond girl with the good clothes. I think I was probably a cute kid but I had glasses by the 4th grade and my clothes came from yard sales and wal-mart. And I also didn't have good friends. I always had friends who were constantly putting me down for one reason or another.
I never really got worried about my body image, I don't think, until I started gaining weight in the 8th grade. Before then I was pretty skinny. Although I was shopping in the junior's section before most of the other girls. Anyway I always wanted to go on a diet or lose weight. I was always criticizing myself to some degree. However, I never had an attitude that I was horrible and ugly...I just always wished I was thinner. Over the past few years I have probably gotten a little worse about it. But a lot of my insecurities about my external appearance really came from the inside.
I don't think I ever really heard my mother talk about her appearance, at least, not to the extent that it affected me. However, I do remember feeling like it was bad to think I was pretty. One time I told my mom that I thought I had pretty eyes and hair. Her response was "that sounds a little vain to me." Ok, so that meant to be a good little Christian girl I was not supposed to think I was pretty. I was supposed to be plain and ugly.
I've struggled with my girliness as well. I have always been into clothes and make-up. I love playing with new colors and making my eyes look really cool and dramatic. I like to look stylish and not like I just walked out of a dump. But many times I've been surrounded by girls who make these things seem so horrible that I would be made to feel bad about it. In fact my roommates last year had a whole little clique based on the fact they were not girly-girls. Of course, I wasn't in it. But I had to hear about it. And every time I did, I felt that there was something wrong with me.
I know now that there isn't. My best friends are the ones who know and love my excitement over getting dressed up and putting on my make-up. I know I don't need it, and there are times I don't bother, but I still enjoy it.
One thing that the show made me think about was if someday I have a daughter...I would love to have one. I hope I am able to show her what true beauty is and love her to the extent that she knows she is special and beautiful no matter what people are saying around her. I think that was a lot of my problem; I didn't have strong people around me (like in my family) that were countering the lies I got told in school or by the world around me. A lot of that goes into not being grounded in what God thought of me. Being more comfortable with myself inside and out has really come from realizing that I am loved by God. I've already noticed with my neice how much I want her to know how wonderful and special she is...I can't imagine how I'll feel about my own daughter someday, if I'm lucky enough to have one.
If I do have a daughter, I never want to criticize my appearance in front of her. The people Oprah talked to had basically taken what they heard their mothers say about themselves and applied it to them. It's so sad to hear how a 3 or 4 year-old is already worried that she's fat and ugly.
And I also realized that as sad as it is for me to think it is, it's sad for people who know me to hear me being down on myself. My desire to be healthier is still there and that will help me in the long run. But I know, no matter what, that I am beautiful and special and worth loving. And knowing that for myself is the most important. It feels good to actually see how I have changed my thinking when it comes to this. There is no perfect or normal when it comes to appearance. We are all so different. Different families have different traits. In my family the women are tall and plump. We have big eyes and gorgeous smiles. We have dark, beautiful, thick hair. We're not teeny-tiny and dainty. Thank God for that. We're women who can work, take care of our children, make really good food, and love the people around us. We can think, cry, pray, and rejoice. :)
It's good being me.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Spring
I love spring. Today I made a discovery that made me overjoyed. Lilacs are blooming. That's right! It was only a few blossoms but they're blooming! And more are on the way!!! I pulled the branch down to my face and breathed in deeply. Ahhhh.... It was wonderful.
And the apple tree in the backyard is blossoming. It's pretty.
Spring. . .ahhh :) It makes me happy.
And the apple tree in the backyard is blossoming. It's pretty.
Spring. . .ahhh :) It makes me happy.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
2 more weeks
In two weeks I will be a college graduate. It only took 5 years (over a 7 year period). I'm so excited to be done! I have been waiting for so long. Originally I had planned on graduating from college 3 years ago. But, even though it so long I think it all worked out the way it needed to. I was able to focus on something I was genuinely interested in, even though now I'm leaning towards not going to medical school. If I had stayed in school to begin with I don't think I would've even thought about it! And I would never have come to Colorado. (well maybe not never, but you know)
I'm really ready to be done with my degree. It feels so good! Now I will work for a few years to fix my money situation, then after that it will be grad school (I hope). It kinda sucks that I can't go right away, but I think it will all work out well.
This summer, I plan on playing tennis (if I find someone to play with), going hiking, climbing a 14er (mountain over 14,000 feet), and. . .I don't know what else. Those are the three things on the top of the list. Oh! And I'm going to IL at the end of May (that's the greatest road trip ever), and I'm going to go to at least one baseball game, preferrably when the Cardinals come to town!
I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be great to be done with school and just be able to relax and enjoy the sunny, warm weather. And get out and do some fun stuff. :)
I'm really ready to be done with my degree. It feels so good! Now I will work for a few years to fix my money situation, then after that it will be grad school (I hope). It kinda sucks that I can't go right away, but I think it will all work out well.
This summer, I plan on playing tennis (if I find someone to play with), going hiking, climbing a 14er (mountain over 14,000 feet), and. . .I don't know what else. Those are the three things on the top of the list. Oh! And I'm going to IL at the end of May (that's the greatest road trip ever), and I'm going to go to at least one baseball game, preferrably when the Cardinals come to town!
I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be great to be done with school and just be able to relax and enjoy the sunny, warm weather. And get out and do some fun stuff. :)
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Damn
Ok so overall I know that I'll be ok but why can't I seem to study in a way that will actually help me do well on an exam? oh well. I'm not going to do well in embryology at all. I told my prof how frustrating it is and she was like "it was the hardest class for me too, even in grad school." wonderful.
only 17 more days left until I graduate, thank GOD! I'm going to be done with this stupid bachelor's degree. It's about time!
And only 34 days until the greatest road trip ever!! (You're excited aren't you, DC?) I can't wait!
only 17 more days left until I graduate, thank GOD! I'm going to be done with this stupid bachelor's degree. It's about time!
And only 34 days until the greatest road trip ever!! (You're excited aren't you, DC?) I can't wait!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Happy
So, I am happy. I can't believe it. I've been more happy in the last few months than I have been in the last few years (let's going on 5 or 6 now). And after that long of having a lot more bad days than good days, it's still weird for me to feel joyous and hopeful. And I am. More than I have been in a long time.
Yes, I got totally stressed out yesterday thinking of all that I had to do. But I vented (thanks for listening to me, D) and got calmed down and even though I will be up very late the next few nights, I am more calm about it and know I will do the best I can.
It's weird to actually feel better. Sometimes I am just so bursting with excitement, happiness, or joy I just don't know what to do with myself. And I know the happiness will not always be there, but I hope the just overall joy can stick around for awhile.
Today I went to chapel and actually enjoyed it. That doesn't happen very often. First we got an update about the SoulForce visit. Everything went really well. Nothing crazy happened. The president said that the people of SoulForce were just amazed by the grace and love they experienced. In fact, at least one person said that now when she hears the label "Christian" it will not hold as many negative conotations for her anymore. I was just overjoyed to hear that! I've struggled with the label Christian because it can have many negative meanings. And it definitely does for the homosexual community. So I was just happy that God was glorified and his love was shown during their visit. Oh Lord, that sounded all christiany didn't it? :-P
Then we sang some songs. .. and they were all just praise songs. I liked that. Sometimes we sing too many songs that are more about us than God. These were about God and it was good. I just stood there sometimes tapping my foot to the pounding drums singing at the top of lungs and then other times stood there still and silent. It was nice to forget about me as much as I could and just praise. :) Again it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time but I'm slowly getting back to it. It was cool.
I am just good right now. I'm thankful that God is working on me, he's showing me more of who he really is and that is erasing the negative image I've had for so long. He's also showing me who I really am and the negative images of me are being erased. I am so thankful for people he has put in my life lately, ok so one in particular...it's been amazing. I know I still have a long way to go, but it's good to feel like I'm actually walking instead of standing still.
Ok so by the end of this week I may look back at this and be like "ok well that was just the calm before the storm, now I'm freakin out!" HAhaha! oh well! I just need to calmly get through the things I need to get done and I'll be fine. No 12 mile walks.
Yes, I got totally stressed out yesterday thinking of all that I had to do. But I vented (thanks for listening to me, D) and got calmed down and even though I will be up very late the next few nights, I am more calm about it and know I will do the best I can.
It's weird to actually feel better. Sometimes I am just so bursting with excitement, happiness, or joy I just don't know what to do with myself. And I know the happiness will not always be there, but I hope the just overall joy can stick around for awhile.
Today I went to chapel and actually enjoyed it. That doesn't happen very often. First we got an update about the SoulForce visit. Everything went really well. Nothing crazy happened. The president said that the people of SoulForce were just amazed by the grace and love they experienced. In fact, at least one person said that now when she hears the label "Christian" it will not hold as many negative conotations for her anymore. I was just overjoyed to hear that! I've struggled with the label Christian because it can have many negative meanings. And it definitely does for the homosexual community. So I was just happy that God was glorified and his love was shown during their visit. Oh Lord, that sounded all christiany didn't it? :-P
Then we sang some songs. .. and they were all just praise songs. I liked that. Sometimes we sing too many songs that are more about us than God. These were about God and it was good. I just stood there sometimes tapping my foot to the pounding drums singing at the top of lungs and then other times stood there still and silent. It was nice to forget about me as much as I could and just praise. :) Again it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time but I'm slowly getting back to it. It was cool.
I am just good right now. I'm thankful that God is working on me, he's showing me more of who he really is and that is erasing the negative image I've had for so long. He's also showing me who I really am and the negative images of me are being erased. I am so thankful for people he has put in my life lately, ok so one in particular...it's been amazing. I know I still have a long way to go, but it's good to feel like I'm actually walking instead of standing still.
Ok so by the end of this week I may look back at this and be like "ok well that was just the calm before the storm, now I'm freakin out!" HAhaha! oh well! I just need to calmly get through the things I need to get done and I'll be fine. No 12 mile walks.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Bread & Wine for Breakfast
The original plan was to go to church at 9:30 this morning. However, I awoke at around 3:30, fell back asleep only to wake back up at 4:00 am when one of my roommates got in the shower. So by 4:30 I was wide awake and then just got up and said "good morning!" and "Well I guess since I'm up I'll go to church now."
It was great. There wasn't a whole lot of people; not nearly as many that would be in the other services today. And I didn't have to go by myself, which was nice. I wasn't looking forward to it.
As I said, it was great. The sermon text was Matthew 28:1-10. The main focus of it was how Jesus met them and said "Greetings!" or "Hi!" And how he also said "Do not be afraid."
Before the sermon, a clip was played. I don't know what movie it was from but Will Ferrell was Jesus...and he asked "what is it about me that makes everyone so insecure?" And it's so true! We look at Jesus and think "oh no he knows all this horrible stuff about me, he knows all the crap I've done, he can't love me. It's not possible!" But the greatest thing is.. . he does love us. More than we can ever know.
The funniest part of the sermon was the very beginning. The pastor (who is really awesome) came out dressed up as a woman! He had this big white hat, white sandals (worn with his socks), a floral dress, and a blonde wig! He was "Mary." How cool is it for the pastor of the church to come out dressed in drag? Well he did discard his outfit...in front of everyone (his regular clothes were underneath,btw). It was hilarious. He had a pin in his hat and popped his boobs!
I'm not really good at remembering a lot about sermons, but some of the things he said really spoke to me. Especially about not worrying, not being afraid and just letting Jesus romance me. He wants to! How amazing is that? I really feel like God has been working on me the last few months, slowly but surely. And it's different than I figured it would be. It's not like I all of a sudden started going to church every Sunday and spend hours a day in prayer or something. But he's allowed me to enjoy my life more. To take pleasure it in. To take pleasure in things I enjoy. Like going to the zoo and seeing a tiger and a gorilla baby. Like going to an exhibit of dissected bodies to see how wonderfully made we are (and how fragile and only human we are), getting to re-know an old friend, singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs, dancing, laughing, yelling at the Cardinals when they lose to Chicago! (how flippin crazy is that!?) I can delight in who he made me to be. I can delight in the good things about me.
I still have a long way to go. I know my next challenge is going to be my money situation. Getting to a point where I can live more simply and be happy with what I have...that's going to be TOUGH. And a real test. But I know with his help I can do it. And I want to.
For a long time I have been afraid of trusting God because of what it might mean for me. I'm tired of being afraid. It's not worth it.
I know God can change the things that need changing and continue to help me see how much he really does love me and wants me. Me, the way I am, flaws and all.
I enjoyed starting my day with praise, with contemplation, and with communion for my breakfast. So far it's been a pretty damn good Easter. ;-)
It was great. There wasn't a whole lot of people; not nearly as many that would be in the other services today. And I didn't have to go by myself, which was nice. I wasn't looking forward to it.
As I said, it was great. The sermon text was Matthew 28:1-10. The main focus of it was how Jesus met them and said "Greetings!" or "Hi!" And how he also said "Do not be afraid."
Before the sermon, a clip was played. I don't know what movie it was from but Will Ferrell was Jesus...and he asked "what is it about me that makes everyone so insecure?" And it's so true! We look at Jesus and think "oh no he knows all this horrible stuff about me, he knows all the crap I've done, he can't love me. It's not possible!" But the greatest thing is.. . he does love us. More than we can ever know.
The funniest part of the sermon was the very beginning. The pastor (who is really awesome) came out dressed up as a woman! He had this big white hat, white sandals (worn with his socks), a floral dress, and a blonde wig! He was "Mary." How cool is it for the pastor of the church to come out dressed in drag? Well he did discard his outfit...in front of everyone (his regular clothes were underneath,btw). It was hilarious. He had a pin in his hat and popped his boobs!
I'm not really good at remembering a lot about sermons, but some of the things he said really spoke to me. Especially about not worrying, not being afraid and just letting Jesus romance me. He wants to! How amazing is that? I really feel like God has been working on me the last few months, slowly but surely. And it's different than I figured it would be. It's not like I all of a sudden started going to church every Sunday and spend hours a day in prayer or something. But he's allowed me to enjoy my life more. To take pleasure it in. To take pleasure in things I enjoy. Like going to the zoo and seeing a tiger and a gorilla baby. Like going to an exhibit of dissected bodies to see how wonderfully made we are (and how fragile and only human we are), getting to re-know an old friend, singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs, dancing, laughing, yelling at the Cardinals when they lose to Chicago! (how flippin crazy is that!?) I can delight in who he made me to be. I can delight in the good things about me.
I still have a long way to go. I know my next challenge is going to be my money situation. Getting to a point where I can live more simply and be happy with what I have...that's going to be TOUGH. And a real test. But I know with his help I can do it. And I want to.
For a long time I have been afraid of trusting God because of what it might mean for me. I'm tired of being afraid. It's not worth it.
I know God can change the things that need changing and continue to help me see how much he really does love me and wants me. Me, the way I am, flaws and all.
I enjoyed starting my day with praise, with contemplation, and with communion for my breakfast. So far it's been a pretty damn good Easter. ;-)
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Breakthrough
I don't know how many males read my blog but just as a warning this is a post about clothing and body image. So you might be bored. :)
Today I had a breathrough.
I went graduation dress shopping. There's a store that has this absolutely wonderful dress and I tried it on. It fit in most places. There is one area however, that never fits me very well even if the article of clothing is my size. I blame my mother. But I didn't freak out and get all upset which is very easy to do when you're wanting to find something cute but can't because you're not a size 2. I calmly thought about it and said to myself, "I'll go online and buy a bigger size and then see if it'll work in this one area and then fix the rest to make it fit." YAY! It was amazing. I'm totally fine with buying a bigger size. Clinton and Stacey have had a profound affect on me. ;-)
So we'll see. If it doesn't work, I'll take it back and find a different dress. I found a strapless dress that is cute...I never thought I'd consider one before but it wasn't too bad! I think I'd be worried about having to make sure it didn't fall down the whole time I'm wearing it though. It was a cute dress though.
I found some old pictures of me. I always wonder why I thought I was so ugly. I wasted a lot of time thinking that. But really I'm pretty damn hot. And was back then too. :)
Today I had a breathrough.
I went graduation dress shopping. There's a store that has this absolutely wonderful dress and I tried it on. It fit in most places. There is one area however, that never fits me very well even if the article of clothing is my size. I blame my mother. But I didn't freak out and get all upset which is very easy to do when you're wanting to find something cute but can't because you're not a size 2. I calmly thought about it and said to myself, "I'll go online and buy a bigger size and then see if it'll work in this one area and then fix the rest to make it fit." YAY! It was amazing. I'm totally fine with buying a bigger size. Clinton and Stacey have had a profound affect on me. ;-)
So we'll see. If it doesn't work, I'll take it back and find a different dress. I found a strapless dress that is cute...I never thought I'd consider one before but it wasn't too bad! I think I'd be worried about having to make sure it didn't fall down the whole time I'm wearing it though. It was a cute dress though.
I found some old pictures of me. I always wonder why I thought I was so ugly. I wasted a lot of time thinking that. But really I'm pretty damn hot. And was back then too. :)
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
SoulForce
Well, tomorrow is the SoulForce visit. I can't remember if I wrote about it earlier...I tried looking for a post about it but I can't find it...
Basically SoulForce is a group that is going to different Christian colleges and universities (and some military schools) that have clauses in their handbook prohibiting gay and lesbian individuals from going to the school. Click here for their website.
If you know me, you know I have very strong feelings about the issue of homosexuality. I have written about it, I have argued, I have thought about it, and I have wrestled with how to approach the issue. Yesterday in chapel a former lesbian spoke. I had actually heard her story before. It's amazing. Click here to listen to her chapel message. (It's the one from April 11)
I hope that when the people from soulforce come, they are surprised and hit over the head with love and grace. I've heard some tidbits about their visits to other schools, and I think they've been surprised. They've been approached with love. People wanted to get to know them. People were interested in them as people (which if you listen to the chapel message, is one of the things that impacted Melissa the most).
Unfortunately, my day is pretty full so I don't even know if I'll get to talk to anyone but I'll post about things I hear about and see.
Basically SoulForce is a group that is going to different Christian colleges and universities (and some military schools) that have clauses in their handbook prohibiting gay and lesbian individuals from going to the school. Click here for their website.
If you know me, you know I have very strong feelings about the issue of homosexuality. I have written about it, I have argued, I have thought about it, and I have wrestled with how to approach the issue. Yesterday in chapel a former lesbian spoke. I had actually heard her story before. It's amazing. Click here to listen to her chapel message. (It's the one from April 11)
I hope that when the people from soulforce come, they are surprised and hit over the head with love and grace. I've heard some tidbits about their visits to other schools, and I think they've been surprised. They've been approached with love. People wanted to get to know them. People were interested in them as people (which if you listen to the chapel message, is one of the things that impacted Melissa the most).
Unfortunately, my day is pretty full so I don't even know if I'll get to talk to anyone but I'll post about things I hear about and see.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Amazing
It's amazing how hearing someone's voice as they leave you a message or getting an e-mail from someone in the middle of the day can just brighten your mood. :)
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Today I realized how easy it is for me to still believe that I'm not someone that people would want to spend time with. I really have been getting better; I'm more comfortable just calling someone up to see if they want to do something and more willing to put myself out there to actually be friends with someone.
But I still have my moments, I'm not sure why. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to protect myself in some way, believing I will be hurt eventually. But I really don't want to be like that.
I also don't want to have to make people feel like they constantly need to reassure me. Because I am fun to be around. I'm a good friend (even though it's hard; I'm not good at advice and such really). I just need to remember that.
Anyway, just writing about it helps me to remember. I will not be a slave to my fear.
But I still have my moments, I'm not sure why. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to protect myself in some way, believing I will be hurt eventually. But I really don't want to be like that.
I also don't want to have to make people feel like they constantly need to reassure me. Because I am fun to be around. I'm a good friend (even though it's hard; I'm not good at advice and such really). I just need to remember that.
Anyway, just writing about it helps me to remember. I will not be a slave to my fear.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
the man of my dreams
So last night I had a conversation and ended up talking about relationships. It got me thinking about my past relationships and what I want for the future.
I haven't had any good relationships. Or long ones. I went out with my first boyfriend for like 5 months and that was just basically to have someone to make out with and take me to the mall (not at night, of course, being that would mean we were dating). The guys I liked the most just kept me dangling from their strings and walked all over me. And I let them. I didn't think I deserved any better. I didn't think anyone would love me for who I was or respect me.
And then I realized that was just bullshit. I did deserve better. After my last relationship (well I don't know if you could call it a relationship, it was complicated), I decided things had to be different from then on. I mean, the physical stuff of relationships always puzzled me. Sex was out of the question but there's so much else that can happen. And churches and Christians never tell you what is too much. Even now it's just different for everybody. My best friend didn't really kiss her husband until they were married. Another friend waited to have sex but her and her husband were making out constantly (before they got married).
But now I know what will work for me. I just hope I can live up to the rules. I mean I know its going to be hard. But hopefully I'll find someone who will respect my rules, take them as his own and we'll help each other make it work.
We have to be friends first. We have to be able to have serious conversations, hang out and be silly, and be there for each other. I really do want the fairytale (well the real life kind). I want a man who is going to be up front and honest about his feeling for me and love me for who I am.
I want him to be a Christian but not a churchy, "yay my life is wonderful because I have Jesus" type. A real Christian who can admit his faults, be real, and admit his struggles. And I really hope I find someone who will know how much I hate cleaning and doing the dishes and be helpful in those areas :) Crazy, I know, but I can dream can't I? And he better be good with kids. And I want to be able to love him, encourage him, and learn from him. . .and be the kind of wife he needs.
I know sometimes girls dream about the type of guy they'll end up with and sometimes who you think is perfect for you isn't and you end up with someone you wouldn't have even dreamt of. And it is so easy to just daydream and hope. . .and someone can come along who you think is absolutely wonderful but he's not the one. So then you just keep dreaming.
In some respects I can be quite the feminist but really I'm not :) I want to get married and have a family. I still want to work but I want my family to come first. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It is possible to have a healthy, loving marriage. I know nowadays it seems impossible, but I really don't think it is.
I know the right guy will come along when it is time. It may be hard for me since I haven't had the best experience with men. Or boys rather, there haven't been any men. ;-)
I know someday someone will come along, love the little things about me, think its funny that I love Coach handbags, even if I can't get one, love that I dance around to Bon Jovi and Def Leppard when I need to release tension, love me whether I'm all glammed up or just in a sweatshirt and just love being around me even if we're just sitting around watching a movie.
God has that part of my life taken care of. And its something I am more than willing to let God be in control of. It'll be worth it.
And until then, I will be happy and content with my singleness even though it can be hard. I'll just be me and then someone will see that and absolutely love it :)
I haven't had any good relationships. Or long ones. I went out with my first boyfriend for like 5 months and that was just basically to have someone to make out with and take me to the mall (not at night, of course, being that would mean we were dating). The guys I liked the most just kept me dangling from their strings and walked all over me. And I let them. I didn't think I deserved any better. I didn't think anyone would love me for who I was or respect me.
And then I realized that was just bullshit. I did deserve better. After my last relationship (well I don't know if you could call it a relationship, it was complicated), I decided things had to be different from then on. I mean, the physical stuff of relationships always puzzled me. Sex was out of the question but there's so much else that can happen. And churches and Christians never tell you what is too much. Even now it's just different for everybody. My best friend didn't really kiss her husband until they were married. Another friend waited to have sex but her and her husband were making out constantly (before they got married).
But now I know what will work for me. I just hope I can live up to the rules. I mean I know its going to be hard. But hopefully I'll find someone who will respect my rules, take them as his own and we'll help each other make it work.
We have to be friends first. We have to be able to have serious conversations, hang out and be silly, and be there for each other. I really do want the fairytale (well the real life kind). I want a man who is going to be up front and honest about his feeling for me and love me for who I am.
I want him to be a Christian but not a churchy, "yay my life is wonderful because I have Jesus" type. A real Christian who can admit his faults, be real, and admit his struggles. And I really hope I find someone who will know how much I hate cleaning and doing the dishes and be helpful in those areas :) Crazy, I know, but I can dream can't I? And he better be good with kids. And I want to be able to love him, encourage him, and learn from him. . .and be the kind of wife he needs.
I know sometimes girls dream about the type of guy they'll end up with and sometimes who you think is perfect for you isn't and you end up with someone you wouldn't have even dreamt of. And it is so easy to just daydream and hope. . .and someone can come along who you think is absolutely wonderful but he's not the one. So then you just keep dreaming.
In some respects I can be quite the feminist but really I'm not :) I want to get married and have a family. I still want to work but I want my family to come first. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It is possible to have a healthy, loving marriage. I know nowadays it seems impossible, but I really don't think it is.
I know the right guy will come along when it is time. It may be hard for me since I haven't had the best experience with men. Or boys rather, there haven't been any men. ;-)
I know someday someone will come along, love the little things about me, think its funny that I love Coach handbags, even if I can't get one, love that I dance around to Bon Jovi and Def Leppard when I need to release tension, love me whether I'm all glammed up or just in a sweatshirt and just love being around me even if we're just sitting around watching a movie.
God has that part of my life taken care of. And its something I am more than willing to let God be in control of. It'll be worth it.
And until then, I will be happy and content with my singleness even though it can be hard. I'll just be me and then someone will see that and absolutely love it :)
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