Kissing Dating Hello!

For quite some time I got brainwashed into thinking dating was a bad thing. But now, I'm starting to realize that I actually like it. . .now I'm not going to just go out and start dating a bunch of random guys. I'll still just stick to one at a time but I think I'm really starting to enjoy this dating thing.

So Friday night. I had a good time. We went to a Mexican restaurant. It was a lot of fun. I found out some things about him that adds to the list of traits that I want to have in a guy (the whole time I was sitting there I was thinking, what the heck is going on here? He just keeps getting better!). After dinner, I could tell neither of us wanted to call it a night but we hadn't made any other plans so we ended up going to Wal-Mart because he needed to get something for his new apartment. He laughed at me because I hate going to good old wally world and I ended up buying a couple of DVDs and I laughed at him because they didn't have what he needed. After that, we went to Cold Stone for ice cream, then headed to Target where they did have what he needed (and of course I had to laugh at him because they did have what he was looking for). After that, we said goodnight.
Really, the dating thing seems to be a good thing. I like that I'm getting to talk to him on the phone and stuff, see him at Bible study, and see him alone. It's good. I'm sad though; he won't be at Bible study tonight. And I'm thinking I'm going to be really bold and find out if he's doing anything Friday night. Spiderman 3 comes out and I want to go see it! That is one of the cool things about him; he's a movie guy. We talked about all the movies coming out this summer that we want to go see. So we'll see if I'll have a date to them. ;-)

I'm still a little freaked out by it. A little scared, I must admit. And still confused about what to do as far as moving. But I'm trying not to worry about it. I definitely want to move out of my apartment but I have about 2 months to decide if I want to stay here or go somewhere else. If I did end up staying here, I definitely have to find a new job. I'm tired of working two jobs. Plus, I need something with benefits. I'm also thinking of taking some classes to get certified in something medical related so I can get a job at a hospital or clinic. We'll see. Options are wide-open (right now a little too wide open, in my opinion but oh well).

Oh! And I was sad yesterday, I was looking for the Cardinals game and it wasn't on so I went online and saw that one of the pitchers was killed in a car wreck. It's so sad.

So. . . .

I had a good time last night :-)

I'll write more later but just wanted to let you know I had a good time last night.


:-)

Friday night

I get to go to dinner tomorrow night.


And I don't mean I'm going alone ;-)

It's been interesting. But good. Still just going with the flow and enjoying getting to know someone new.

Trust

**Edited Post**

Last night when I wrote this I was at one point talking on the phone and talking online, so I wasn't really paying attention. I wanted to add a few things.

Trusting God is difficult at times. As I've said before, I've never really been too good at it. I think a lot of times I didn't know what it truly meant. I think maybe I thought that to trust God meant you always had to have it all "together." You could never doubt or be angry about your circumstances. You could never question.

Then, the questions come. Life comes at you, whatever it may be and you start to doubt. You become angry about your circumtances. And as hard as you try, nothing gets better. At least, it's been that way for me. Somehow I got in my mind at an early age that if I trusted God, my life would go just as planned. But then different things got to me (granted, not super bad things, but things that definitely affected me) and I started to doubt if God was really around and if trusting him was worth it. And for years I've struggled with it. Ever since moving to Kansas, I've been forced to and it's, of course, not been easy. I've been sitting here wondering what the hell is going on.

I am still learning. The last week or so, I think I'm actually starting to see that God really is taking care of me. He didn't just bring me here to be unhappy and miserable. I just need to let go and be patient. But it's so difficult at times. I just want to know what is going on, I want to know what God wants me to do. . .ok so I know I'm not the only one ;-)
The last few weeks and months have basically been total crap. A few days or maybe even a week may be good but for the most part things have been horrible. I've been so unhappy here. I don't like my jobs, although I'm so thankful for them; I don't have to worry about money at all. But still, I don't like them. I still feel bad at times for making such a big deal of things; my situation is a piece of cake really. But it has been hard. Figuring out how to make a life for yourself in a place you don't like and didn't have very good experiences in, is difficult. And I never realized before how lonely I really could be and how much I really do want people around. I need more than work to give my life meaning. I've tried. . .contacting the people from church about the Bible study was a huge step for me. And I do enjoy going. I didn't get to go for a few weeks and I missed it.

Last week, I had pretty much decided that I would move as quickly as I could. I've been praying as best as I can asking God what he wants me to do. I still don't know. I don't know what I want and I don't know what God wants, which should be what I want. I told God that if there was any reason for me to stay here he better let me know quick because I was going to move in two weeks. And now I'm beginning to wonder if that's exactly what's going on. . .
One thing that has happened is just feeling like there is the possibility to actually have friends here. Tonight I went to the house of a girl from work to help her move something and had dinner. I stuck around while she made some cookies for dessert and even colored with her daughter. It was fun. Then last Wednesday I ate lunch with a girl from Bible study. And the last few days I've started getting to know someone else as well. And if you read the comment on my previous post, you may have guessed that it is a guy (it is). He was at Bible study Monday. I actually didn't officially meet him but I guess he asked the friends he was with (that was his first time there) about me. So we started talking. He's really nice. He's supposed to be there tonight too. What's funny is I wasn't really paying attention at all when I saw him last week. I'm not sure if all of this means anything but now I'm thinking that I will go ahead and stay until at least July. I actually will need to figure out if I'm moving or not by June so I can give notice. I really am starting to wonder if God does have something up his sleeve. But we'll see. I just need to pray. And pray. And pray some more. Even if the prayer is "God, please help me not to be stupid again."

One thing I know I struggle with is seeking out what God wants for me and not just what I want. Which may be why I don't know what I want so I can actually get out of God's way and do what he wants me to do.
So even though I have no idea what is going on, I will continue to trust God, even though it may mean still being a little angry and sad and doubting somethings. One thing that I've learned is that trusting God doesn't mean to always be happy and not being able to question things.

Here goes!

weird, weird, weird, weird

Life is weird.

Weird, weird, weird, weird.

Here I am thinking I'll be moving in a few weeks or at least a month or so and now I'm wondering if maybe I have some kind of reason to stay. . .but who knows. I'm not going to read anything into it. I'm just going to go with the flow.

Hookey

I called in sick to work today. The combination of a toothache, headache, and no sleep made it very difficult to wake up this morning.

I need some peace. I'm looking to go ahead and move in the next few weeks here and I just need some peace about it. I'm having trouble with it.

I'm also having trouble with forgiveness. And it's making it impossible for me to just move on with my life. I guess a good place to start is admitting that I definitely have not forgiven those I need to forgive. It's not easy. I guess if it was, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But holding on to these things are not worth it. Being away from here, I think, will finally allow me to heal.

Virginia Tech

This morning at work we had the news on and, of course, the main focus was the massacre at Va. Tech. A lady walked in and said something to the affect of if I have to hear anything more about that I'm going to scream.
I wanted to scream at her "you stupid, selfish woman! Every single one of the those people wish they didn't have to go through what they're going through! And you're complaining because you have to hear about it?"

I was slightly irritated by her comment.

I can't imagine what yesterday was like and what the days to come will be like for the students, faculty, and staff of the university. And what it will be like for the friends and families of the people who were killed. It's this horrible, harsh reality that they will now live everyday for the rest of their lives.

I hate to think about the fact that this is probably not the last time something like this will happen especially since it's happened enough before.

Amen

I'm not sure why I convinced myself I was in some way supposed to stay out here. Maybe I thought I had to continue in my misery as some sort of punishment for bad decisions. Maybe I was scared. Maybe it was just continued wishful thinking. Whatever the reason I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being miserable and scared. So I'm doing what I need to do to start the process of getting out of here and getting on with my life.
I still don't know what my life will hold and I'm still not sure what I really want but I'm going to figure it out eventually. Sure I still don't like everything that happened but oh well.

Tonight in Bible study we went over Romans 11. It's pretty loaded and hard to understand, but the very end is something to always remember:

"O the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counsellor? Or who has given a gift to him, to receive a gift in return? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:33-36)

It's still hard trusting God. It downright sucks sometimes. But somehow I'm still going to.

Hesitation be gone

There has only been one thing that has made me hesitate about moving back to the St. Louis area. I've thought a lot about it and wondered how I would handle putting myself into a situation without a basic need and want not being able to be met.
Today though, my worries have ended.

It's official.

There is a Chipotle (actually 2) now in the St. Louis area. It may be a bit of a drive but I think it's near one of my favorite malls, so I don't think I'll have any problem getting to it.

Now I can move to IL with the peace of mind that a wonderful burrito bowl and chips and guac are only short (albeit, a little longer than I have now) drive away.

Praise Jesus ;-)

I always knew he was looking out for me.

My ragamuffiness

So first of all, sometime last summer Dave took me to this deli place where I had an AMAZING turkey sandwich with cream cheese, sprouts, and avocado and a few months ago I tried finding it but couldn't remember where it was. I swear it's somewhere near my apartment but I couldn't find it. Tonight though, I found it! Or at least one of the like three that are in town. So I got my amazing sandwich, an amazing chocolate cookie, AND a Jones soda! It's been way too long since I've had a Jones.

Ok now on to what I've really been thinking about. I've had so much on my mind this week. After a topic that came up on a message board I got to thinking about being a ragamuffin. I don't necessarily immediately describe myself as a ragamuffin but really I think I am. If you don't know what a ragamuffin is, you should read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I read it for the first time my sophomore year at Greenville and it made me really start to embrace (and believe in) the idea of grace. One of the first things he writes about is how Christians believe in grace in theory, but not really in practice. We don't really live it and embrace it. We want to sit in our comfy churches, doing all the things we think we should do. We still think we have to earn our salvation. I know there is nothing I can do to earn my salvation; it's already taken care of, but I still catch myself thinking that I should being doing more (or at this point just anything) so God will be happy with me. Agh!
I'm a ragamuffin. I don't fit into the tradition mold of mainstream American Christianity. I believe everyone is worthy of the love of Christ. As a human I am not perfect and never will be. I can be compassionate and caring one moment, then selfish and self-absorbed the next. I will drive down the road and yell at people who are driving stupidly. Then feel bad. I will wait on someone at the cable company who is dirty and a little (or a lot) smelly and want to wrinkle my nose. But then I actually look at them and they're nice and smile and say "have a good day," then I will realize that even the dirty, smelly ones are people and they deserve love. Even the mean ones (although it's harder to think that about them).
I think God shows up in songs and movies that others don't realize. He's all over the place. He's not just in our comfy churches. He's in the Nickelback song that says "amen, I'm alive." He's in Rent and Little Miss Sunshine. He's in the John Mayer song "Gravity." I love when he shows up in places that people wouldn't think about. Believe it or not he even shows up every once in awhile in Sex & the City.
I know I am beautiful and I am strong. But I am also scared and weak at times. And that's ok. I can be totally content when I am alone but I still get lonely. Sometimes I'm way too hard on myself. I take joy in things in nature and things made by man, like art. I still want to go back to school and have a career but I also want a family, a house, and a garden so I can grow my own veggies like green beans and tomatoes.
Like every other human being, I am broken and not perfect. I don't want to ever pretend I am. I never want to look more to other people or to a church more than I look to God. I want to embrace and live by grace.
Here's to being a ragamuffin.

Waiting. . .waiting. . .

Lifehouse has a song called "Breathing." Or maybe it's just called "Breathe." Oh no, wait, that's the Faith Hill song. Anyway, in the Lifehouse song there's a line that says: "I'm trying to identify the voices in my head, God, which one's you?"
I'm wondering the same thing.

The last few days I've just been trying to calmly think about what the best thing is to do. And asking just for some divine guidance. And I'm trying to patiently wait for an answer. I don't want to make a split-second decision. Wherever I go, I'm staying for a good amount of time. I keep thinking more and more about going back to IL. Then I can move into the little apartment and fix it up. Put a new floor in the kitchen and bathroom, get a new stove, do some painting, & eventually get new carpet. I figure little by little I'll fix the place up and then it'll make it easier to rent out after I leave.
But then this voice comes into my head and starts to make me wonder if I'm supposed to just stay here. Which, if I do, I'd still find a new apartment (mine is way too small) and I'd need to change my work situation. Then I wonder "WHAT? Why in the world would I stay here?"

I don't know. I'll keep praying. And patiently waiting so I can figure out what I'm supposed to do.

The time is coming

The time has come for me to seriously start figuring out where I'm going to go in July and what I'm going to do.
And I still have no idea. Sunday I started thinking about maybe sticking with the moving to IL thing. I could just move back to Hartford and fix up the little apartment. That way I'm not paying rent and can make a bigger dent in the credit cards. And, of course, I'd be closer to family. I don't like missing out on all the little family stuff. I want to see them more than twice a year.
But then, it's also still Illinois. I'm still not too crazy about that place even if I do love being near St. Louis. St. Louis. . .just yesterday I found out there's a history museum in Forest Park. I had no idea! The Zoo. . .the Science Center. . .West County Mall. . .the Galleria. . .The Arch. . .and of course, the St. Louis Cardinals. There's definitely a lot of perks, even if it's not necessarily as cool as Denver, it's still pretty damn awesome.

One thing, though, that makes me hesitate is where I want to go to graduate school. If I want to go to University of Colorado (which I keep going back to) I need to be a Colorado resident. By the time I get the cards paid off and can go back to school I will be a resident. I can't move to IL only to move back to CO for school and pay nonres. tuition. That would be ridiculous. And there's no where in IL or MO I'd want to go to school. Well maybe Washington University or St. Louis University but those are expensive.

And when it comes to praying about it. . .I'm trying. I'm pleading with God for some kind of guidance because I really don't know what to do. Know what I keep getting? Silence. Ok not always. I think I'm getting a lot of "BE PATIENT." And something to the affect of "Do you really think I'm just going to leave you out in the cold with nothing?" "Do you really think I just wanted to play a trick on you?" Um. . .no. . .not really. Ok, I'll keep going, I'll keep trusting you ok? Sorry, God. . .

Another thing I'm trying to figure out is if I want to continue going to the church I'm going to. Guess what the sermon series is for the next 3 months? Just a wonderful topic. The M word. No, no, no, not that M word. The other one: marriage. I about freaked when I saw the bulletin about it on Sunday. I was just like "holy shit, you've got to be kidding me." I don't want to sit through 3 months of sermons on marriage! But then maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea since I really don't know what I think of the whole marriage thing and need some assistance forming my opinion. I hate to completely stop going to church but seriously, I think it's just going to be a form of torture. And I really don't want to try to find somewhere else to go just for the 3 months I'm still here. Oh well. . .

For now, I'll continue on with what I'm doing. I'll start seriously trying to figure out where I should go and start trying to find a job and a place to live. Wherever I go, I hope this is the last big move for awhile. I want to feel settled somewhere at least for a little bit.

Easter

Today is Good Friday. Sunday is Easter. The last however many weeks has been Lent.

And I feel totally out of it. I've been to church twice during lent. Every year I always think that I'll really take the time to focus on the season and the meaning of it but this year it's like it's nothing to me.

But at the same time it's everything to me. The death and resurrection of Christ is everything my belief system is based on. It's this amazing mystery and conspiracy. It's a story of passion, love, and hatred. It's something that makes me feel totally loved but totally unworthy. One moment, I cower in fear at the fact I can never measure up. Then, I throw my hands up in abandon knowing I am bought with a price and I am accepted.

The cross provides me with clarity and direction but at the same time confusion. How is that possible? How can something be so clear yet so confusing and hard to handle?

Happy Easter to you all.

If only I had a picture

To anyone reading this:
If I EVER EVER EVER say anything about wanting blonde hair, do whatever it takes to say NO. Kick, scream, and yell, bind me up and give me a box of dark brown hair color whatever it takes NEVER let me try to go blonde ever again!

And in case you're wondering, I tried. tonight. I look like a freakin clown. I paid a buttload of money for it.

I'm getting fixed on Saturday. And I'm seriously considering calling in sick tomorrow.

Spring?

It's snowing.
All the pretty flowers are going to be gone. Including the lilacs. At least I got to see some though.
I thought it was too good to be true for it to actually stay warm without at least one more cold snap.

Moving

Every once in awhile when I think about the whole moving thing I have this slightly overwelming fear (or thought or something) that I won't get to. Ok yes, it is a fear. And talking to my mom about it is annoying; she still thinks there is some reason for me being here. So I just talk about looking at apartments in Denver and saving up money for the move and try to ignore the "mmhmm" (translation: yeah we'll see about that).
Now really there's nothing really wrong with Wichita. It's not that bad. But when you've lived somewhere like Denver (and even St. Louis) it's just a downer. I think I could've liked it over time but now that there's no reason for me to be here (insert another "well maybe there is a reason" comment from my mom) I want to live somewhere that I actually want to be.
We'll see. I've said it before that if I have to stay here I will be open to that but I really want to move. I'll keep planning on it that's for sure. And I won't worry about it.

Rejoice

Last night when I came home from work, these words were on my lips "rejoice in the Lord always." Now I'm not usually one to have a Bible verse pop in my head and I honestly have no idea where it is in the Bible really (NT somewhere I think), so I thought about it some more.
We all know it's easy to rejoice in God when things are going well and we are happy. I mean, look at me, as soon as I get into a bad mood I'm thinking nothing will ever be ok, I'll never be happy, and my life will never mean anything. Ha! I'm so dramatic.
So can I really rejoice in the Lord always? And not just when I'm happy? I mean even now when I'm in a good mood it's sometimes hard because I'm still not too crazy about my situation. But really it's not that bad. I won't always be working so much (I hope). But even then I am glad I've had the energy and the schedule to be able to work so I can get things paid for. It's amazing to be able to make my student loan payments and pay more than the minimum on my credit cards. And schedule-wise it's pretty good; I don't have to get to the cable company until 9:30 so it doesn't make leaving the hotel at 11 or 11:30 too bad.
And not only that, I feel like my attitude is changing towards things I want or think I need. Would I love to go buy clothes at Banana Republic and Dillards? Of course. But I'm liking my Target clothes a lot. In fact I'm probably going to go buy a couple more shirts. They're great! And I'm a little irritated that I can't find suitable shoes at Target because I don't want to spend more money somewhere else! Oh well. I will probably still go get the cute leopard-print sandals at Target sometime soon.

The other day I almost had a slightly uncomfortable run-in while getting my coffee. Or at least, the potential for one but it ended up not being anything. I didn't let who I knew was inside Starbucks keep me from getting my much-needed coffee. I was proud of myself. I was feeling very chipper that morning so I was determined to make sure I said hi if I had the chance but I didn't have to.

The Cardinals lost again last night. How sad! Maybe they can win tonight. I wish I didn't have to work so I could watch the game. I love having ESPN 2.

I like me

Yesterday I filled out one of those surveys on myspace and one of the questions was about what body part you don't like. I thought for a bit and couldn't come up with an answer. Many people go straight to their arms or legs or nose or something but nothing came to my mind. And this morning when I was getting ready I looked more closely and said to myself "I do like the way I look."
I mean there are little annoyances. My skin still annoys me at times but it could be worse. I admit I wouldn't mind losing a bit more of my tummy but really as a whole I like the way I look. I'm tall, fairly well-proportioned, I'm not too skinny, not too big. I'm beautiful.

Holy crap. I started writing this at like 10:30 and now it is 12:30 and I have been swamped with people making payments. It's not all bad for the most part but there are always the people that don't pay attention to their bills so they don't know how much they owe or get mad because I tell them I only take payments. Oh well some people just like to be difficult.

It's a beautiful day

It's a gorgeous spring day here in Wichita. On days like this I don't mind too much to be here. Maybe. ;-)
Also on days like this, I hate that I'm stuck inside all day. I can't wait until my lunch break so I can turn in my timecard. I like walking down there and today is a perfect day to do it. And I'll get to go by the park again and see the lilacs! Woohoo.

Saturday and Sunday were crazy at the hotel. It made me realize how much I really don't like working there. And we're getting a new manager. I guess she was supposed to start today so we'll see how that goes.

Ok time for lunch! yay!

Baseball and pasta

Can I just say it again? I rock. I am a damn good cook, I've discovered. Tonight was penne pasta and pesto with broccoli, tomatoes, and an Italian cheese blend. I also got bread that I topped with olive oil, garlic, pesto, and cheese. It's yummy.
I ended up talking to mom while I was cooking. I was cutting the bread and mentioned that it would make good communion bread referring to the fact that the church I've been going to serves little wafers. Then I said if I had some grape juice I could have my own communion. Then I thought well I don't have grape juice, but I do have cranberry juice so I could use that. So I did. That led to me mentioning how it was only since prohibition that grape juice was even used, which led to mom asking me if I've had wine. I hesitated a little but then finally said yes and I actually prefer it over juice for communion. There's something about the bitterness of it that just goes with communion. That's one thing I've avoided ever talking to my parents about but I figured it would come out sometime. When they come visit they're going to see the couple wine bottles I have set out. And I'm determined to not put them away, I can't hide from them who I am. I like wine; in fact, I really hate that liquor stores are closed here on Sundays, wine would've been wonderful with my meal. I would've felt all Italian. :-)
Anyway, something she said about how we can have communion on our own and it doesn't have to be blessed by clergy started me thinking about my recent attitude of "to hell with it" when it comes to my faith. One I seriously think there's the possibility that I suffer from pms more than I think I do but mainly I think maybe I get so hooked (or I am still hooked) on the idea that my faith is only about what I do and not the fact that it's just. . .me. My faith isn't separate from who I am. It is who I am. I think when I start getting the idea in my head that I am probably not getting it right because I don't do this, or I don't do that, I start judging myself on man's definition of what a Christian is supposed to be, and not on the fact that I am free from that judgment and Christ takes me as I am. And not only am I free from the judgment of other people I am free from my own judgment of myself. It's so hard still, though. Who knows if it will ever get any easier to just continue to hold on to that.
I still have no idea what my life will hold but I'm along for the ride!

Oh and just on a side note, I'm so sad that the Cardinals are losing. And despite the unfortunate name, Skip Schumaker I believe will become my new favorite player. And I admit it, it's just because he's cute ;-)