I feel like I've been in a coma today. I've been dead to the world. I barely woke up in time to go to church. . .made it through the 4th and 5th grade Sunday school craziness and then made it through the service. The music has become really lacking lately but we did sing a song I am quite fond of.
Then I'm sitting in church listening to the sermon about how God is self-sacrificing and I'm thinking "do I believe this anymore?" and "why does this seem to have no bearing on how I'm living my life right now?"
I came home, ate a bit of lunch, and fell asleep for 2 1/2 hours. Then I ate again and laid in bed and watched TV shows on my computer. I've been doing that all evening and right up until about 10 minutes ago. Except for when I had to run to walgreens to get a soda, chips, and candy. That's all gone plus the popcorn I ate before that and some cereal I just finished.
On my way to Walgreens to get the food that I used as something slightly numbing (unfortunately I am out of alcohol or that may have been used), I asked myself what my problem was. And I answered, "I don't believe You (God) actually care about me." Then I asked myself why I thought that, especially since it's something I was raised believing (mostly) and had really started to believe in the last few years. Again I answered myself, "I don't believe it because if You did care about me, I wouldn't be how I am. I wouldn't be all alone, miserable in freakin Wichita, KS, I wouldn't have grown up the way I did, I wouldn't still be holding on to what I am holding onto. If you cared about me, I wouldn't be the way that I am."
I don't know what to do with that really. I do know that I am sick of my life the way it is. As usual I don't know what to do about it though. There doesn't seem to be much to do. Like I was three years ago, I am stuck here. Stuck. Physically, emotionally, stuck in every way. And still have no idea how to get out. This is getting fucking old.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Dreams
I'm not sure why I choose to torture myself sometimes.
Today I went to see the movie Fame...it was pretty cool actually. Really awesome dance scenes and camera work. I didn't like how most of the songs didn't seem to actually be sung by the actors though.
But at the end when the song is all about holding onto dreams . . . I wonder, really? And realize that I'm in this world where we always talk about living your dreams when it seems that. . .most dreams just don't come true.
I am pursuing a career as a physician's assistant...hopefully I will get into a program this time and in two years I can find a job at a doctor's office, clinic, or hospital. It's not a bad career and I actually do what to do it. But when I think about why I want to one of the reasons that pops up in my head is "because I can't do what I always wanted to do."
I had a pretty honest conversation with my brother when I went to IL for my family reunion. He told me he was jealous that I got a car when he still has his much less expensive one that he had to buy. I told him that I absolutely hated that I couldn't buy my own car and that I had my own set of jealousy about things with him. Right after moving his junior year of high school, he got to be in Grease. Then another year he was in another musical. And then this past spring he did something that made me want to throw a temper tantrum (complete with beating my fists on the floor, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!")...he was in Guys and Dolls. The first musical I ever saw at the age of 6. At the age of 6, I thought "I want to do that."
I never got to. I went to a high school with no music department, no theatre department. The next town over did...and they did a production of Guys and Dolls. My sister has been in it twice. Ok sure her college production of it wasn't very good but still.
I was in a silly play in high school that performed once for the grade school kids...and I did do a play in college and Fiddler on the Roof at church. And usually doing those things made me observe the people around me and think "they're so good and I'm not..I could never do this all the time."
I was never pushed, I never thought to push myself. I was shy and unsure of myself and scared. I was aware at a young age that although I could sing, I didn't have the natural musical talent I observed in other people. I could never learn to read music. And I rarely sing anymore except to music in the car. In fact, that's not very good anymore because I can feel my vocal muscles straining and it's like they're saying "No, stop, we're out of shape, don't use us!" Even if I did try to sing more, I sometimes still dream of it being more . . .
Maybe I just feel this way because even being a PA is a far off dream. I don't get to do what I would love to do and I don't get to do what I have decided to do so I feel like a failure right now.
I do get to have a dream come true though...thanks to a PA program interview, I get to go to New York City for the first time ever. I am SO excited, you have no idea. Not all dreams are impossible.
Today I went to see the movie Fame...it was pretty cool actually. Really awesome dance scenes and camera work. I didn't like how most of the songs didn't seem to actually be sung by the actors though.
But at the end when the song is all about holding onto dreams . . . I wonder, really? And realize that I'm in this world where we always talk about living your dreams when it seems that. . .most dreams just don't come true.
I am pursuing a career as a physician's assistant...hopefully I will get into a program this time and in two years I can find a job at a doctor's office, clinic, or hospital. It's not a bad career and I actually do what to do it. But when I think about why I want to one of the reasons that pops up in my head is "because I can't do what I always wanted to do."
I had a pretty honest conversation with my brother when I went to IL for my family reunion. He told me he was jealous that I got a car when he still has his much less expensive one that he had to buy. I told him that I absolutely hated that I couldn't buy my own car and that I had my own set of jealousy about things with him. Right after moving his junior year of high school, he got to be in Grease. Then another year he was in another musical. And then this past spring he did something that made me want to throw a temper tantrum (complete with beating my fists on the floor, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!")...he was in Guys and Dolls. The first musical I ever saw at the age of 6. At the age of 6, I thought "I want to do that."
I never got to. I went to a high school with no music department, no theatre department. The next town over did...and they did a production of Guys and Dolls. My sister has been in it twice. Ok sure her college production of it wasn't very good but still.
I was in a silly play in high school that performed once for the grade school kids...and I did do a play in college and Fiddler on the Roof at church. And usually doing those things made me observe the people around me and think "they're so good and I'm not..I could never do this all the time."
I was never pushed, I never thought to push myself. I was shy and unsure of myself and scared. I was aware at a young age that although I could sing, I didn't have the natural musical talent I observed in other people. I could never learn to read music. And I rarely sing anymore except to music in the car. In fact, that's not very good anymore because I can feel my vocal muscles straining and it's like they're saying "No, stop, we're out of shape, don't use us!" Even if I did try to sing more, I sometimes still dream of it being more . . .
Maybe I just feel this way because even being a PA is a far off dream. I don't get to do what I would love to do and I don't get to do what I have decided to do so I feel like a failure right now.
I do get to have a dream come true though...thanks to a PA program interview, I get to go to New York City for the first time ever. I am SO excited, you have no idea. Not all dreams are impossible.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Eat Pray Love
I am reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and so far, I love it. It is giving me so much to think about. Although she is more of a Buddhist than anything else, I am amazed at how much I am relating to it through my Christian, believing in Jesus worldview.
I am reading now about her time in India at an Ashram studying under a Guru. And it makes me wonder, "why have Christians been so afraid and downright critical of Eastern religious practices?" I mean, I remember hearing about how people thought yoga was so horrible and evil. But really, the collective meaning of Yoga (not just the physical exercise part) is basically what Christians consider spiritual discipline. And although a guru is a enlightened human, I read this and thought, hmmm. . .seems similar to how people described Jesus: Rabbi, Messiah (Anointed One): "The word Guru is composed of two Sanskrit syllables. The first means "darkness," and the second means, "light." Out of the darkness and into the light.... (seriously, just talked to 10 and 11 years old about Jesus as the light) and, "You come to your Guru, then, not only to receive lessons, as from any teacher, but to actually receive the Guru's state of GRACE." Yes, a lot of this is related to being enlightened to the divine self but what if I (believing in Jesus) think about how I am created in the image of God and God can be seen in me? Why is that something that Christians have such a difficult time grasping?
At one point in the book she talks about how after learning about a family that two people were stricken with cancer she said "that family needs some grace." And her sister said, "that family needs some casseroles," and proceeded to organize food to be made and taken to them each day. The author says that she doesn't think her sister realizes that was grace. And I'm thinking that the author doesn't realize that that is Jesus. She grew up in New England which I understand to have been so steeped in Puritanical religion, it just kinda said "to hell with it," and doesn't want too much to with God, so I can kinda understand her hesitation about Judeo-Christian God and Jesus (hell, I've had that too).
I love when things not bearing a "Christian" label are a part of my spiritual journey. And it makes me think more about the question, "is the American version of Christianity the only way to Jesus?"
I am reading now about her time in India at an Ashram studying under a Guru. And it makes me wonder, "why have Christians been so afraid and downright critical of Eastern religious practices?" I mean, I remember hearing about how people thought yoga was so horrible and evil. But really, the collective meaning of Yoga (not just the physical exercise part) is basically what Christians consider spiritual discipline. And although a guru is a enlightened human, I read this and thought, hmmm. . .seems similar to how people described Jesus: Rabbi, Messiah (Anointed One): "The word Guru is composed of two Sanskrit syllables. The first means "darkness," and the second means, "light." Out of the darkness and into the light.... (seriously, just talked to 10 and 11 years old about Jesus as the light) and, "You come to your Guru, then, not only to receive lessons, as from any teacher, but to actually receive the Guru's state of GRACE." Yes, a lot of this is related to being enlightened to the divine self but what if I (believing in Jesus) think about how I am created in the image of God and God can be seen in me? Why is that something that Christians have such a difficult time grasping?
At one point in the book she talks about how after learning about a family that two people were stricken with cancer she said "that family needs some grace." And her sister said, "that family needs some casseroles," and proceeded to organize food to be made and taken to them each day. The author says that she doesn't think her sister realizes that was grace. And I'm thinking that the author doesn't realize that that is Jesus. She grew up in New England which I understand to have been so steeped in Puritanical religion, it just kinda said "to hell with it," and doesn't want too much to with God, so I can kinda understand her hesitation about Judeo-Christian God and Jesus (hell, I've had that too).
I love when things not bearing a "Christian" label are a part of my spiritual journey. And it makes me think more about the question, "is the American version of Christianity the only way to Jesus?"
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
On Facebook, I am constantly seeing status updates about new jobs, relationships, engagements, marriages, babies, and houses. Examples of people moving forward with their lives. Most of these things are happening to my friends and while I am, of course, happy for them, it is also hard to swallow at times.
I am here, still in Kansas and not feeling like my life has moved at all. I guess in small ways I am moving forward, like applying to PA school but so much is still up in the air. I am caring for a woman that may live for a few more years or be gone in two months. I could get an interview for a PA program only to be rejected again and have to decide what to do next. I am living with a girl that although the chance of her announcing her engagement even in the next year doesn't seem likely, there is that possibility which means moving. Everything about my life is up in the air, is temporary, and nothing seems the least bit stable.
Now in all this instability, one would maybe point out that I need to trust God and that he is the only thing constant in this crazy life. Yes, I know in my head that is probably true and one day maybe I'll look back and see the ways that God provided for me and was shaping me. But I admit, it's becoming more and more difficult to actually believe it. I only see a history of disappointments, failures, and a life that has made me feel alone and grasping for something that I am not even sure what it is most of the time. And times when it seemed things were changing and going to be different only to fall apart again.
I really hope that things turn around sometime soon. . .for real.
I am here, still in Kansas and not feeling like my life has moved at all. I guess in small ways I am moving forward, like applying to PA school but so much is still up in the air. I am caring for a woman that may live for a few more years or be gone in two months. I could get an interview for a PA program only to be rejected again and have to decide what to do next. I am living with a girl that although the chance of her announcing her engagement even in the next year doesn't seem likely, there is that possibility which means moving. Everything about my life is up in the air, is temporary, and nothing seems the least bit stable.
Now in all this instability, one would maybe point out that I need to trust God and that he is the only thing constant in this crazy life. Yes, I know in my head that is probably true and one day maybe I'll look back and see the ways that God provided for me and was shaping me. But I admit, it's becoming more and more difficult to actually believe it. I only see a history of disappointments, failures, and a life that has made me feel alone and grasping for something that I am not even sure what it is most of the time. And times when it seemed things were changing and going to be different only to fall apart again.
I really hope that things turn around sometime soon. . .for real.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Every once in awhile I get the urge to watch Mamma Mia. Tonight I got the urge.
I've never seen the stage production and I'm sure if I had, the movie wouldn't be as good to me but I love the music. My favorite part is when they sing Dancing Queen. I just love how all the women who are working drop what they're doing and start dancing. It's just. . .beautiful to me. It reminds me that sometimes you just have to stop and dance. It's so freeing. I always (and I do mean ALWAYS) have to sing and dance along. I sometimes have to do it twice!
I also love when all the hot, buff guys come out of the water and are dancing in flippers ;-)
I've never seen the stage production and I'm sure if I had, the movie wouldn't be as good to me but I love the music. My favorite part is when they sing Dancing Queen. I just love how all the women who are working drop what they're doing and start dancing. It's just. . .beautiful to me. It reminds me that sometimes you just have to stop and dance. It's so freeing. I always (and I do mean ALWAYS) have to sing and dance along. I sometimes have to do it twice!
I also love when all the hot, buff guys come out of the water and are dancing in flippers ;-)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Surprise, surprise I'm having a hard time lately.
I am so sick of my life right now. I am bored half the time. When I get the chance to do something I enjoy, it seems to get shot down. Like last week when I worked in the garden, we ended up having a major thunder/hail storm which didn't ruin everything in the garden but ruined enough. I was just so upset. I know it shouldn't matter so much but it made me want to scream.
I met a guy a few weeks ago. A chubby, unattractive short Jewish guy (ok he's my height but to me that's short). He's nice but I'm not interested in him at all and not even really interested in trying to be friends with him.
Again as usual, nothing bad has happened. Sure the last year was crazy busy and I've had to recover from that. Really the whole getting used by the stupid ex-convict (who is now back together and living with his old girlfriend that he was sure he'd never get back together with) was the straw that broke my back this year. There seems to be something about being able to handle a bad part of your life if there is something else good to help balance it out. Right now there is no balance. While work is fine and part of me feels like that I was really meant to be available to help this lady out, I still have to work every other weekend at the nursing home and I still hate it even though I'm not there often. Feeling lonely is more common. I don't have many friends I can just call up and hang out with. I don't have any around here to do things I wish I could do. I still want to find someone to play tennis with. I hate staying in night after night. I hate knowing that I actually have all this free time and I'm not doing anything with it!! God-willing in a year I'll be back in school and won't have the time to do things.
There are people that are passionate about things. Whether it's their career or a cause, people have things they are passionate about. Passionate enough to take action. What am I doing? I'm not really all that passionate about anything. I don't necessarily feel like I'm working towards anything. I'm just waiting. I'm stuck between the life I have and the life I want.
The only thing that has made me happy recently besides seeing Rent is buying Stuart Weitzman shoes for $70 (original price $270) and a gorgeous Diane von Furstenberg skirt that was onsale and I'd be eyeing for months. I also had fun in Williams-Sonoma the other day.
I am just so unhappy and I have no idea what to do to change it. It's a horrible feeling.
Of course, there is always this crazy God factor in my life. I'm feeling more and more indifferent to it all. Is God really out for my good? How much control does He really have? Why does it seem so hard for me to actually have faith? Why has it been so up and down? It's just so annoying really. It is annoying that as soon as I seem to feel more comfortable with my life, who I am, and my relationship with God, of course, something happens. I'm tired of the fact that even when things aren't going well, I still don't have a "God is in control" attitude. I'm still just so angry sometimes that my life is not what I wish it was. I always had all these damned hopes and dreams (yes probably too many and too big hopes and dreams) and no way to reach them and make it happen. I HATE that. Faith doesn't bring much comfort or hope.
Yes I'll still apply to PA school and still hope and dream of the day I can get the hell out of Wichita. I'll keep hoping I can get to travel someday and maybe even keep hoping I'll have someone to travel with.
I am just ready to not hate my life.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Work is going well. I am really enjoying it. Sometimes I feel like a slight step above a housekeeper. . .but it's pretty much great ;-)
I went to St. Louis this past weekend. . .it was SOOOO awesome!!!! Kristi and I saw Rent at the fabulous Fox Theatre. We also went shopping (we even got our makeup done at Neiman Marcus), stayed at a new hip trendy hotel (the Moonrise), and ate at Giovanni's - my meal was great. . Kristi had some issues with hers...it was good going down but not so good. . .well you know ;-)
RENT was absolutely amazing. Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, the original Mark and Roger, were in it! I had been looking forward to it for over a year. I am so happy I got to see it! It was hard not singing along to all the songs. :-)
Another cool thing: I have made my first purchase from Tiffany's. That's right, the jewelry store. It is a simple, pretty silver butterfly necklace. I love it. I hope there are more little blue boxes in my future.
I also got to go to the zoo for a little bit. I hadn't been to the St. Louis Zoo in so long.
It was such a wonderful, amazing, relaxing weekend. It felt so good to be in an actual city, going to a show, eating at a super nice restaurant, and shopping. We had so much fun!!!
And now back to real, everyday life. . .which is. . .well. . .life. I have to admit, it's been better. But oh well. I'm trying to figure out ways to make it better. I've been trying to exercise but somehow can't quite keep from eating too much. I'd love to be able to lose about 20 pounds, but we'll see. I also need to get my room cleaned up and organized, so I can get a new bed. I slept in two queen-sized beds this weekend and can't stop thinking of how nice it was to just stretch out and have lots of room.
I feel so stuck sometimes. Stuck in between a life that I want to have and the life I have right now. I feel like there are so many things I want to do. . .even simple things around town and around the house but instead I usually end up sitting on the couch watching TV. Like now. Oh well. Hopefully one of these days, some motivation will kick in.
I went to St. Louis this past weekend. . .it was SOOOO awesome!!!! Kristi and I saw Rent at the fabulous Fox Theatre. We also went shopping (we even got our makeup done at Neiman Marcus), stayed at a new hip trendy hotel (the Moonrise), and ate at Giovanni's - my meal was great. . Kristi had some issues with hers...it was good going down but not so good. . .well you know ;-)
RENT was absolutely amazing. Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, the original Mark and Roger, were in it! I had been looking forward to it for over a year. I am so happy I got to see it! It was hard not singing along to all the songs. :-)
Another cool thing: I have made my first purchase from Tiffany's. That's right, the jewelry store. It is a simple, pretty silver butterfly necklace. I love it. I hope there are more little blue boxes in my future.
I also got to go to the zoo for a little bit. I hadn't been to the St. Louis Zoo in so long.
It was such a wonderful, amazing, relaxing weekend. It felt so good to be in an actual city, going to a show, eating at a super nice restaurant, and shopping. We had so much fun!!!
And now back to real, everyday life. . .which is. . .well. . .life. I have to admit, it's been better. But oh well. I'm trying to figure out ways to make it better. I've been trying to exercise but somehow can't quite keep from eating too much. I'd love to be able to lose about 20 pounds, but we'll see. I also need to get my room cleaned up and organized, so I can get a new bed. I slept in two queen-sized beds this weekend and can't stop thinking of how nice it was to just stretch out and have lots of room.
I feel so stuck sometimes. Stuck in between a life that I want to have and the life I have right now. I feel like there are so many things I want to do. . .even simple things around town and around the house but instead I usually end up sitting on the couch watching TV. Like now. Oh well. Hopefully one of these days, some motivation will kick in.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
This week I haven't had to work. My employer's daughter is in town all week so I'm just going in on Friday (luckily she's still paying me). It's given me a lot of time. Time I really need to spend doing some studying. I have a test on Friday and two finals next week. If I can get focused and study, I can still get good grades in the classes.
I bought new tennis shoes this week. I keep putting them on to see if they provide some exercise motivation. It's actually worked a little! Last night, I did some dancing.
My car got fixed. I'm honestly beginning to think I should've looked for something here myself. My dad just picked out this one and honestly it's not that great. . .there's a bunch of little things wrong with it. The knob that controls that two side mirrors is broken and I can't roll down the driver's side window. The brakes already had to be replaced. Whoever owned this before definitely did not take care of it. It only has 34,000 miles on it. Honestly I think my dad got ripped off on the price. Oh well.
Ok so I'm watching Live with Regis and Kelly (I know, I'm pathetic) and they're in Miami Beach. Kelly just did a segment from Seaquarium and it looks AWESOME! I've got to go! And there was another place with Jungle in the name where you can pet the animals!
One thing I did yesterday was plant my garden! It made me very excited. I planted tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, jalepeno peppers, and cucumbers. I still have to plant the green beans, okra, and corn but have to get the rest of the garden cleaned out and let the soil warm up a bit. It's still been a bit chilly here. I love gardening. More specifically, vegetable gardening. I'm so excited to have fresh veggies.
I've been thinking a lot about just needing to find something to be happy about. This constant let-down feeling is just eating away at me. One thing I know I need to be doing is reading my Bible and some other books to start reminding me that God does love me, He is graceful and merciful, and is out for my good. I know the reason it's so hard for me to believe that is I haven't kept that idea in front of me through all this. I'm still burned out, disappointed about many things, and down-right tired. If I don't have to get up in the morning, I can easily sleep about 10 hours.
The sun is actually out today. I need to mow and finish the garden but I think I need to do some studying first. I keep thinking of Colorado (or anywhere else with mountains). I'd love to go hiking right now. I miss it.
I bought new tennis shoes this week. I keep putting them on to see if they provide some exercise motivation. It's actually worked a little! Last night, I did some dancing.
My car got fixed. I'm honestly beginning to think I should've looked for something here myself. My dad just picked out this one and honestly it's not that great. . .there's a bunch of little things wrong with it. The knob that controls that two side mirrors is broken and I can't roll down the driver's side window. The brakes already had to be replaced. Whoever owned this before definitely did not take care of it. It only has 34,000 miles on it. Honestly I think my dad got ripped off on the price. Oh well.
Ok so I'm watching Live with Regis and Kelly (I know, I'm pathetic) and they're in Miami Beach. Kelly just did a segment from Seaquarium and it looks AWESOME! I've got to go! And there was another place with Jungle in the name where you can pet the animals!
One thing I did yesterday was plant my garden! It made me very excited. I planted tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, jalepeno peppers, and cucumbers. I still have to plant the green beans, okra, and corn but have to get the rest of the garden cleaned out and let the soil warm up a bit. It's still been a bit chilly here. I love gardening. More specifically, vegetable gardening. I'm so excited to have fresh veggies.
I've been thinking a lot about just needing to find something to be happy about. This constant let-down feeling is just eating away at me. One thing I know I need to be doing is reading my Bible and some other books to start reminding me that God does love me, He is graceful and merciful, and is out for my good. I know the reason it's so hard for me to believe that is I haven't kept that idea in front of me through all this. I'm still burned out, disappointed about many things, and down-right tired. If I don't have to get up in the morning, I can easily sleep about 10 hours.
The sun is actually out today. I need to mow and finish the garden but I think I need to do some studying first. I keep thinking of Colorado (or anywhere else with mountains). I'd love to go hiking right now. I miss it.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Every once in awhile, something happens to make me feel like I am no better than I was a few years ago.
I'm not happy. I am upset about what my life is right now, in general. Every once in awhile there are some things that aren't bad but I just hate the feeling of being so unhappy.
I went to class this morning and then came back home and got upset about something. Not just upset, down right angry.
My parents brought me my car this weekend...and I can't even drive it. Something is wrong with the brakes. It was fine right up until they unloaded it. The very first time I drove it, it started making a weird noise when I would hit the brakes. My parents drove it the night before they left and it was fine! I finally get it and I can't even drive it. It's SO frustrating. And it's just another one of those things that make me feel like nothing ever just works out ok for me. I know it's not true but it's just so hard not to think that sometimes.
I'm frustrated with myself that I haven't been able to actually go to my stats class and focus on my classes. I have two more weeks left...I'm actually not working this week (luckily still getting paid) so I'll have a lot of time to study if I can just actually do it.
I've been wanting to eat better and exercise and haven't been able to do that either. I think today, though, I'm going to go get some new tennis shoes so maybe I can at least start walking or something. I feel like crap! I'm so tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know really I'm not, but I am not going to be as active since I won't be at the nursing home as much so I've got to do something...I've managed to lose 20 pounds in the time I've lived in Kansas. 20 or 25 more and I'll be good! But again the motivation to actually do it is hard to come by lately.
Two people from my church have been dating for 4 months and are engaged. They're getting married in August. Enough said. I keep telling myself that I just haven't found anyone good enough for me yet ;-) Oh and plus I'm probably really not ready to get married right now anyway and won't be for awhile. And (this I do believe) it's someone with the initials MC own loss for not talking to me anymore. Still frustrating though.
Another problem right now? I'm kinda indifferent to God right now. What's funny about that is I'm still teaching a Sunday school class. So indifferent right now, I can't even think of anything to say about it.
I hope things get better sometime soon.
I'm not happy. I am upset about what my life is right now, in general. Every once in awhile there are some things that aren't bad but I just hate the feeling of being so unhappy.
I went to class this morning and then came back home and got upset about something. Not just upset, down right angry.
My parents brought me my car this weekend...and I can't even drive it. Something is wrong with the brakes. It was fine right up until they unloaded it. The very first time I drove it, it started making a weird noise when I would hit the brakes. My parents drove it the night before they left and it was fine! I finally get it and I can't even drive it. It's SO frustrating. And it's just another one of those things that make me feel like nothing ever just works out ok for me. I know it's not true but it's just so hard not to think that sometimes.
I'm frustrated with myself that I haven't been able to actually go to my stats class and focus on my classes. I have two more weeks left...I'm actually not working this week (luckily still getting paid) so I'll have a lot of time to study if I can just actually do it.
I've been wanting to eat better and exercise and haven't been able to do that either. I think today, though, I'm going to go get some new tennis shoes so maybe I can at least start walking or something. I feel like crap! I'm so tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know really I'm not, but I am not going to be as active since I won't be at the nursing home as much so I've got to do something...I've managed to lose 20 pounds in the time I've lived in Kansas. 20 or 25 more and I'll be good! But again the motivation to actually do it is hard to come by lately.
Two people from my church have been dating for 4 months and are engaged. They're getting married in August. Enough said. I keep telling myself that I just haven't found anyone good enough for me yet ;-) Oh and plus I'm probably really not ready to get married right now anyway and won't be for awhile. And (this I do believe) it's someone with the initials MC own loss for not talking to me anymore. Still frustrating though.
Another problem right now? I'm kinda indifferent to God right now. What's funny about that is I'm still teaching a Sunday school class. So indifferent right now, I can't even think of anything to say about it.
I hope things get better sometime soon.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
This is actually from today:
My parents are coming tomorrow and I really need to clean the bathroom and finish cleaning my room. I have absolutely no motivation. I also have homework that I have no motivation for either. So here I am instead.
I started a new job this week. I'm only working at the nursing home every other weekend. Now I am helping a woman who has ALS. So far it's going really well. There are a lot of things she can still do for herself but still quite a few things she needs help with. I'm enjoying it.
Well I started this thinking I had something to say but nothing is coming...oh the reason my parents are coming is to bring me my new car! That's exciting! It's a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am.
In fact here's a picture, if you haven't already seen it on facebook:
Not crazy excited about the color but it's really not too bad. I'm excited to actually have a working CD player/radio and AC! Woohoo!
Ok going to actually try to get something done before I go to bed.
My parents are coming tomorrow and I really need to clean the bathroom and finish cleaning my room. I have absolutely no motivation. I also have homework that I have no motivation for either. So here I am instead.
I started a new job this week. I'm only working at the nursing home every other weekend. Now I am helping a woman who has ALS. So far it's going really well. There are a lot of things she can still do for herself but still quite a few things she needs help with. I'm enjoying it.
Well I started this thinking I had something to say but nothing is coming...oh the reason my parents are coming is to bring me my new car! That's exciting! It's a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am.
In fact here's a picture, if you haven't already seen it on facebook:
Not crazy excited about the color but it's really not too bad. I'm excited to actually have a working CD player/radio and AC! Woohoo!Ok going to actually try to get something done before I go to bed.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Saved draft number 3
and here's 3: (actually that's the last one. . .I miscounted)
Over the last several years, the whole Lent and Easter thing has seemed to come and go without me paying much attention. I think of something to give up or take up for Lent but then it doesn't happen. I feel like Easter should be something special
Over the last several years, the whole Lent and Easter thing has seemed to come and go without me paying much attention. I think of something to give up or take up for Lent but then it doesn't happen. I feel like Easter should be something special
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Saved draft number 2
Here's the 2nd one:
I can go to Kansas City, shop all day by myself, eat dinner at a restaurant by myself, then go to a movie yesterday by myself and feel totally and completely content.
But then I'm alone the past two nights at home and I can hardly stand how lonely I am. I tried reading but it was so silent so I had to watch two movies just to pass the time. I hate that feeling. I hate that when it comes right down to it, I am lonely.
I went with a friend downtown Friday evening for a music crawl except we only ended up hearing 2 bands for about 10 minutes each. The music wasn't her style and it was too loud. I couldn't help but wish I had someone, male or female, who I'd be able to sit in a bar with and just listen to a band. My roommate would but she was with her boyfriend. And the most recent "idiot" would too, except, well you know.
I have a test on Wednesday that I really should've studied for but I have absolutely no motivation. I don't have much motivation for anything really. There is a lot I have thought about doing and need to do. . .but none of it is getting done.
I keep thinking about my life, especially thinking about the things I wish I could do, things I always dreamed of. . .and how really none of it is happening. And being alone just gives me more time to think of it. Did you know that when I was younger, in addition to singing quite well, I would always start writing a book? I started many stories. . .most of them were pretty much identical to what I read in the Laura Ingalls books but I always tried to come up with something new. Once I even tried writing a story about a family in the Civil War. . .one in which the mother has died, leaving 3 kids to fend for themselves while their father is fighting. Eventually they hear that the father is wounded in a hospital so the youngest daughter goes to find him. Her older sister keeps bringing money home though no one knows how, although the older brother has his suspicions that it's not earned in the most respectable manner. I also used to write poems.
I can go to Kansas City, shop all day by myself, eat dinner at a restaurant by myself, then go to a movie yesterday by myself and feel totally and completely content.
But then I'm alone the past two nights at home and I can hardly stand how lonely I am. I tried reading but it was so silent so I had to watch two movies just to pass the time. I hate that feeling. I hate that when it comes right down to it, I am lonely.
I went with a friend downtown Friday evening for a music crawl except we only ended up hearing 2 bands for about 10 minutes each. The music wasn't her style and it was too loud. I couldn't help but wish I had someone, male or female, who I'd be able to sit in a bar with and just listen to a band. My roommate would but she was with her boyfriend. And the most recent "idiot" would too, except, well you know.
I have a test on Wednesday that I really should've studied for but I have absolutely no motivation. I don't have much motivation for anything really. There is a lot I have thought about doing and need to do. . .but none of it is getting done.
I keep thinking about my life, especially thinking about the things I wish I could do, things I always dreamed of. . .and how really none of it is happening. And being alone just gives me more time to think of it. Did you know that when I was younger, in addition to singing quite well, I would always start writing a book? I started many stories. . .most of them were pretty much identical to what I read in the Laura Ingalls books but I always tried to come up with something new. Once I even tried writing a story about a family in the Civil War. . .one in which the mother has died, leaving 3 kids to fend for themselves while their father is fighting. Eventually they hear that the father is wounded in a hospital so the youngest daughter goes to find him. Her older sister keeps bringing money home though no one knows how, although the older brother has his suspicions that it's not earned in the most respectable manner. I also used to write poems.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Saved draft number 1
Number 1 of 4 posts that I've wrote in the last month but never posted:
The transmission went out in my truck. It would cost more to fix it than the truck is worth.
So at the age of 28, my dad is going to find me a car and buy it for me because I in no way can afford to buy one myself at this point. I feel horrible about it. The only maybe good thing is eventually I will be able to pay for it or at least pay them back and once I can afford my own car, I can give it back to my parents.
I have been sitting here all morning doing nothing. I'm totally bored but completely unmotivated to do anything. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself; I've been so busy the last 6 months. But I can't keep not doing anything. I wait until the last minute to get ready for work. I dread each day I have to go.
The transmission went out in my truck. It would cost more to fix it than the truck is worth.
So at the age of 28, my dad is going to find me a car and buy it for me because I in no way can afford to buy one myself at this point. I feel horrible about it. The only maybe good thing is eventually I will be able to pay for it or at least pay them back and once I can afford my own car, I can give it back to my parents.
I have been sitting here all morning doing nothing. I'm totally bored but completely unmotivated to do anything. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself; I've been so busy the last 6 months. But I can't keep not doing anything. I wait until the last minute to get ready for work. I dread each day I have to go.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I enjoyed a nice pleasant day in Kansas City on Saturday. I went to a mall in Overland Park that has a Nordstrom and Sephora. Then I headed to Country Club Plaza; this outdoor mall area on the Missouri side. I loved it! There are tons of shops and restaurants; all of my favorites that I never get to go to. I finished the day at the Cheesecake Factory...had a yummy meal and even yummier cheesecake! (yes, I ate all by myself and it was great! how's that for being comfortable being single?)
Then around 10:30 pm, 40 miles or so from Wichita. . .something happened to my truck. There was some kind of crack, snap, or pop (I was going to try to insert something clever here about Rice Krispies but nothing is coming to me) and I ended up on the side of the road. What's funny is the truck will start but it won't move. I can't put it into any gear and get it to go. I got it towed and now waiting for the repair shop to call and let me know what's wrong.
I tried not thinking it but the first thought in my head when it happened was that I was being punished for going to KC. I had questioned all week about whether or not I should go given my new job situation but I just knew I needed to get out of Wichita! And there's not really any other place to go.
I already feel weird sitting here at home at 11 am not really doing anything. Oh well.
My life is on hold. That's the way it feels. I still can't have the kind of life I want. I am trying to figure out ways to still have a life even though I'm going to be broke and have no idea what is going to happen. I figure I can take advantage of WSU's fitness center now...I can try to finally get in shape. I could also try to finally learn to play the piano. And soon I'll be able to start gardening. I am thinking about somehow getting a new mattress. Every time I climb into my single bed I feel very un-grown-up. I need something that makes me feel adult and together. And I'm thinking that I want to go to a flea market or antique store to find an awesome headboard.
Somehow, I'll figure out what I'm going to do. Now that my truck is really definitely becoming unreliable I am somehow going to have to get a new car. Somehow I want to feel adult and at least a little together. Somehow.
Then around 10:30 pm, 40 miles or so from Wichita. . .something happened to my truck. There was some kind of crack, snap, or pop (I was going to try to insert something clever here about Rice Krispies but nothing is coming to me) and I ended up on the side of the road. What's funny is the truck will start but it won't move. I can't put it into any gear and get it to go. I got it towed and now waiting for the repair shop to call and let me know what's wrong.
I tried not thinking it but the first thought in my head when it happened was that I was being punished for going to KC. I had questioned all week about whether or not I should go given my new job situation but I just knew I needed to get out of Wichita! And there's not really any other place to go.
I already feel weird sitting here at home at 11 am not really doing anything. Oh well.
My life is on hold. That's the way it feels. I still can't have the kind of life I want. I am trying to figure out ways to still have a life even though I'm going to be broke and have no idea what is going to happen. I figure I can take advantage of WSU's fitness center now...I can try to finally get in shape. I could also try to finally learn to play the piano. And soon I'll be able to start gardening. I am thinking about somehow getting a new mattress. Every time I climb into my single bed I feel very un-grown-up. I need something that makes me feel adult and together. And I'm thinking that I want to go to a flea market or antique store to find an awesome headboard.
Somehow, I'll figure out what I'm going to do. Now that my truck is really definitely becoming unreliable I am somehow going to have to get a new car. Somehow I want to feel adult and at least a little together. Somehow.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
For the last 3 days I have done basically nothing. Tuesday I got my haircut and went out to a bar for St. Patty's day. I had my first Irish Car Bomb. It was actually pretty good. My roommate and I ended up talking to a couple of guys for a little while. It was fun.
Then yesterday I read and watched movies all day long. It was great. Except I feel like I managed to eat a ton of food. . . . oh well.
Today I have watched TV and cleaned the kitchen. And made sushi! Or maki-sushi to be more precise. It was definitely good. Now I'm ready for a margarita or something.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to work in the garden and get it cleaned up so it'll be ready for planting when it's time. I am so excited to have a garden again. I am going to plant green beans, tomatoes, corn, and maybe some broccoli and lettuce. And some herbs.
I like that I'm relaxing. Except so much free time is making me think a lot. And right now there's only one person I can think about. I haven't talked to him in a month. He hasn't responded to the e-mails I've sent (3 total) and he hasn't tried calling. I haven't even tried calling him in at least 2 weeks. After one week, I basically quit trying. I do know at least that he's alive out there somewhere as I received a stupid e-mail forward last week (one of those forward this to as many people and you'll get $$ for it). I'm just. . .annoyed really. And frustrated that my fear was realized: the only reason it all happened was because he needed to face his past in AZ and finding a "good girl" helped him realize it.
I am so tired of being alone..although I know that I'll make it and I'll be fine and even if I did have a relationship, there would be times I'd just want my space, really when it comes down to it I am tired of being alone. And here was a guy that was kind, real and didn't make me feel like I was screwed up. . .he was someone that we could've gone out and had a great time every once in awhile but also be just as willing to stay in, cook a great dinner, and watch a movie. And oh so ruggedly manly...hmm...ok done now ;-)
One good thing is I know for a fact it's not me. . .for once, I know for a fact that him not talking to me means it's his loss. It is his loss. He was always so amazed that I was so nice to him. He wasn't used to women, or anyone for that matter, being nice to him and here I was doing what just came naturally to me. Except now he's on the list of guys who my niceness will not come as naturally anymore. I don't trust him anymore like I did.
I didn't start off trusting Jason and that messed it all up. I did start off trusting M and look what happened. Either way, it doesn't seem to work out. Oh well. I'll keep watching movies and TV to escape reality. I may also need a margarita.
Then yesterday I read and watched movies all day long. It was great. Except I feel like I managed to eat a ton of food. . . . oh well.
Today I have watched TV and cleaned the kitchen. And made sushi! Or maki-sushi to be more precise. It was definitely good. Now I'm ready for a margarita or something.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to work in the garden and get it cleaned up so it'll be ready for planting when it's time. I am so excited to have a garden again. I am going to plant green beans, tomatoes, corn, and maybe some broccoli and lettuce. And some herbs.
I like that I'm relaxing. Except so much free time is making me think a lot. And right now there's only one person I can think about. I haven't talked to him in a month. He hasn't responded to the e-mails I've sent (3 total) and he hasn't tried calling. I haven't even tried calling him in at least 2 weeks. After one week, I basically quit trying. I do know at least that he's alive out there somewhere as I received a stupid e-mail forward last week (one of those forward this to as many people and you'll get $$ for it). I'm just. . .annoyed really. And frustrated that my fear was realized: the only reason it all happened was because he needed to face his past in AZ and finding a "good girl" helped him realize it.
I am so tired of being alone..although I know that I'll make it and I'll be fine and even if I did have a relationship, there would be times I'd just want my space, really when it comes down to it I am tired of being alone. And here was a guy that was kind, real and didn't make me feel like I was screwed up. . .he was someone that we could've gone out and had a great time every once in awhile but also be just as willing to stay in, cook a great dinner, and watch a movie. And oh so ruggedly manly...hmm...ok done now ;-)
One good thing is I know for a fact it's not me. . .for once, I know for a fact that him not talking to me means it's his loss. It is his loss. He was always so amazed that I was so nice to him. He wasn't used to women, or anyone for that matter, being nice to him and here I was doing what just came naturally to me. Except now he's on the list of guys who my niceness will not come as naturally anymore. I don't trust him anymore like I did.
I didn't start off trusting Jason and that messed it all up. I did start off trusting M and look what happened. Either way, it doesn't seem to work out. Oh well. I'll keep watching movies and TV to escape reality. I may also need a margarita.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Well whether I wanted it to be this way or not, I am forced into taking a break. I am forced into having more time on my hands.
I lost my job at the conference office. Although I know it's probably a blessing because I'm just so exhausted but at the same time it's a slap in the face. I was so fucking upset. They were still convinced I wasn't doing a good job and I KNOW I was. I hadn't been doing a good job last fall but after Christmas I made it a point to make sure I was on top of everything. I was definitely doing a good job! But apparently they were getting "complaints" about me. I was just so. . .shocked. I mean, every once in awhile there might be a difficult person that I had to talk to but I did my best to handle it well. And there were so many people I'd talk to on a daily basis that would tell me they appreciated it and I was helpful and courteous, etc.
Obviously this will give me more time to relax and doing simple everyday things like clean and cook (I'll have to since I won't be able to afford to go out to eat anymore). I think what makes me the most upset is that I know I had been doing a much better job but they refused to see that. They never asked me, they never came to the resource center to see what was going on. They never led me to believe there were any problems. It's just all bullshit.
Financially I think I'll be ok. I hate that I'll be back on a strict budget, back to not even being able to get a haircut or go out to dinner and a movie with some friends. I have no room to do something like. . .oh go to Kansas City like I had planned on during my spring break this week. I may still go but. . .it'll just be depressing because I won't be able to buy anything. Oh well.
So now I'm back to this place where I feel like a complete failure, a complete nothing, and like my life will never be any different. I am 28 years old and I have no career, no family. . .I'm completely alone and the only hope of my career I have is at least another 3 years away. I live in a place I pretty much hate. I have nothing. I live in a house owned by a 24-year-old. I am driving (and will still be driving) a 15-year-old truck that I've had for 8 years with 172,000 miles on it. I found out recently that my brother is in a production of Guys-N-Dolls...yup that would be the musical that I have dreamed of being in since I was in 1st grade. Yes, 1st grade. I remember specifically seeing it at Jerseyville High School and thinking "I want to do this." But I never got the chance.
My mom offered to come and see me for a few days. I am thinking of taking her up on it but I don't think I can take too much of her "just really trust God and be open to what he has for you." Honestly, I can't take it. I'm not sure if I believe that too much. I feel like that no matter how open I am (or feel like I am) to God, nothing ever works out. Nothing ever changes. I feel like that if I become the least bit happy or hopeful, then everything falls apart. Is that how it's going to be always? According to the "MyType" application on Facebook (based on Meyer's Briggs) I am an INFP, an idealist. Is this how being an INFP is? Is that just something I have to accept and work around or is this something that I can change? Is anything ever going to be good enough? Will I at some point get married and then be unhappy and ruin it? Will I finally get a career and be unhappy with that too, wondering if there was something else I was supposed to do? Will I ever live somewhere that I like?
I am so tired of feeling like this. So tired. I want something that makes my life feel just a little like worth living. Everytime something that like comes along, it goes away. Pretty quickly too. And then here I am writing about it on a freakin blog. I am sitting around waiting until the last moment to get ready to go to work, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. I hate it. But I have no idea what to do about it. It sucks being SO unhappy about everything in my life. More than just unhappy. . .I don't even know what word to use.
I feel like screaming. And throwing something.
I lost my job at the conference office. Although I know it's probably a blessing because I'm just so exhausted but at the same time it's a slap in the face. I was so fucking upset. They were still convinced I wasn't doing a good job and I KNOW I was. I hadn't been doing a good job last fall but after Christmas I made it a point to make sure I was on top of everything. I was definitely doing a good job! But apparently they were getting "complaints" about me. I was just so. . .shocked. I mean, every once in awhile there might be a difficult person that I had to talk to but I did my best to handle it well. And there were so many people I'd talk to on a daily basis that would tell me they appreciated it and I was helpful and courteous, etc.
Obviously this will give me more time to relax and doing simple everyday things like clean and cook (I'll have to since I won't be able to afford to go out to eat anymore). I think what makes me the most upset is that I know I had been doing a much better job but they refused to see that. They never asked me, they never came to the resource center to see what was going on. They never led me to believe there were any problems. It's just all bullshit.
Financially I think I'll be ok. I hate that I'll be back on a strict budget, back to not even being able to get a haircut or go out to dinner and a movie with some friends. I have no room to do something like. . .oh go to Kansas City like I had planned on during my spring break this week. I may still go but. . .it'll just be depressing because I won't be able to buy anything. Oh well.
So now I'm back to this place where I feel like a complete failure, a complete nothing, and like my life will never be any different. I am 28 years old and I have no career, no family. . .I'm completely alone and the only hope of my career I have is at least another 3 years away. I live in a place I pretty much hate. I have nothing. I live in a house owned by a 24-year-old. I am driving (and will still be driving) a 15-year-old truck that I've had for 8 years with 172,000 miles on it. I found out recently that my brother is in a production of Guys-N-Dolls...yup that would be the musical that I have dreamed of being in since I was in 1st grade. Yes, 1st grade. I remember specifically seeing it at Jerseyville High School and thinking "I want to do this." But I never got the chance.
My mom offered to come and see me for a few days. I am thinking of taking her up on it but I don't think I can take too much of her "just really trust God and be open to what he has for you." Honestly, I can't take it. I'm not sure if I believe that too much. I feel like that no matter how open I am (or feel like I am) to God, nothing ever works out. Nothing ever changes. I feel like that if I become the least bit happy or hopeful, then everything falls apart. Is that how it's going to be always? According to the "MyType" application on Facebook (based on Meyer's Briggs) I am an INFP, an idealist. Is this how being an INFP is? Is that just something I have to accept and work around or is this something that I can change? Is anything ever going to be good enough? Will I at some point get married and then be unhappy and ruin it? Will I finally get a career and be unhappy with that too, wondering if there was something else I was supposed to do? Will I ever live somewhere that I like?
I am so tired of feeling like this. So tired. I want something that makes my life feel just a little like worth living. Everytime something that like comes along, it goes away. Pretty quickly too. And then here I am writing about it on a freakin blog. I am sitting around waiting until the last moment to get ready to go to work, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. I hate it. But I have no idea what to do about it. It sucks being SO unhappy about everything in my life. More than just unhappy. . .I don't even know what word to use.
I feel like screaming. And throwing something.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
I am feeling very French this evening....
Last night, I dreamed I was in France. Tonight I watched Ratatouille (yes the children's movie) and then all I could think about was wine and cheese. So I went and purchased a bottle of pinot noir, Camembert cheese, and a loaf of French bread. It's very yummy. Although, I am sure that French women don't down half of the cheese in one sitting. ;-) Oh well.
I really hope I can go to France someday. I think I really should start wearing scarves. I won't start smoking though. . .although if I ever go to France, I will totally get some French cigarettes!
What can I say? I'm a dreamer.
Last night, I dreamed I was in France. Tonight I watched Ratatouille (yes the children's movie) and then all I could think about was wine and cheese. So I went and purchased a bottle of pinot noir, Camembert cheese, and a loaf of French bread. It's very yummy. Although, I am sure that French women don't down half of the cheese in one sitting. ;-) Oh well.
I really hope I can go to France someday. I think I really should start wearing scarves. I won't start smoking though. . .although if I ever go to France, I will totally get some French cigarettes!
What can I say? I'm a dreamer.
Friday, March 06, 2009
So after talking to someone almost everyday for about 2 weeks, I haven't heard from him since last Monday. He got a cell phone and I tried calling each night after getting off work last week and he never answered. Then I sent an e-mail (knowing he has his computer and internet access because he sent me an e-mail) and still nothing. At all. No e-mail, no call.
I'm a little irritated. I mean, I could understand not talking for a few days but now it's almost been 2 weeks. I got tired of trying to call and never getting an answer. So I stopped trying. I figure if he wants to talk to me, he knows my number. And if he doesn't want to talk to me then I'll just put him in the same category of idiots that have also just stopped talking to me over the years. Unfortunately this is the only one that has ended up costing me $300. I could have bought a Coach purse with that!
The rejected girl part of me is just sad and irritated. The part of me, however, that truly cares for him and hopes he's doing ok, is just a little worried about him. I want to know he's ok...but at this point I'm a little nervous to call the house he's been living at. The whole reason he got the cell phone was so he didn't tie up the landline so I don't know if it's ok to call there. And since he hasn't tried calling me, I don't even know if I should unless I just talk to the owner of the house and ask if he's ok and still there and say that's all I wanted to know. Oh well. Maybe I'll give it some more time.
But really what was I expecting? You'd think I'd know better after all this time. Sometime I wonder if I need to just learn to care less. I mean, any chance for a relationship with him went right out the door when he went back to AZ. Oh well.
I'm a little irritated. I mean, I could understand not talking for a few days but now it's almost been 2 weeks. I got tired of trying to call and never getting an answer. So I stopped trying. I figure if he wants to talk to me, he knows my number. And if he doesn't want to talk to me then I'll just put him in the same category of idiots that have also just stopped talking to me over the years. Unfortunately this is the only one that has ended up costing me $300. I could have bought a Coach purse with that!
The rejected girl part of me is just sad and irritated. The part of me, however, that truly cares for him and hopes he's doing ok, is just a little worried about him. I want to know he's ok...but at this point I'm a little nervous to call the house he's been living at. The whole reason he got the cell phone was so he didn't tie up the landline so I don't know if it's ok to call there. And since he hasn't tried calling me, I don't even know if I should unless I just talk to the owner of the house and ask if he's ok and still there and say that's all I wanted to know. Oh well. Maybe I'll give it some more time.
But really what was I expecting? You'd think I'd know better after all this time. Sometime I wonder if I need to just learn to care less. I mean, any chance for a relationship with him went right out the door when he went back to AZ. Oh well.
Monday, March 02, 2009
It's sometimes very difficult when things seem to be so up in the air when it comes to just about everything in life right now.
One of the questions I was asked in my PA interview was where I saw myself in 10 years. I was totally caught off guard. I had no idea what to say. I bumbled through some answer that I can't even remember. Part of me feels like I can't say where I see myself 10 years down the road because EVERYTHING is so open. I was thinking of it today. There are so many "ifs." Like, if I'm done with school, if I'm still single, if I'm married, if I have kids...if, if, if. But let's think "if" I just could plan out what I hoped my life would be in 10 years...(it hasn't worked yet, I still don't feel like I can plan out anything).
In 10 years:
1) I will be finished with grad school and working as a PA (that's within 5 years)
2) My student loans will be paid off
3) I will own a house and a good car
4) I will live somewhere that I am able to see mountains on a regular basis
5) I will be married and have at least 1 child
If the last one doesn't happen, then I'll just add "I will have a 2nd home somewhere." Oh yeah, I would also like to pay my parents back for all the loans they took out for me to go to school.
We'll see....right now I can't even figure out how to get out of Kansas. I can't really right now. If I can get into WSU's PA program next year, it would be dumb of me not to go....the whole program costs less than one year of most other programs. I will still go ahead and apply to other programs...mostly on the East & West coasts. But money-wise it's going to be wise to stay where I am. Then I'll look all over for a job.
Can I really plan out anything? Probably not completely. I guess I can at least hope for those things in the next 10 years.
One of the questions I was asked in my PA interview was where I saw myself in 10 years. I was totally caught off guard. I had no idea what to say. I bumbled through some answer that I can't even remember. Part of me feels like I can't say where I see myself 10 years down the road because EVERYTHING is so open. I was thinking of it today. There are so many "ifs." Like, if I'm done with school, if I'm still single, if I'm married, if I have kids...if, if, if. But let's think "if" I just could plan out what I hoped my life would be in 10 years...(it hasn't worked yet, I still don't feel like I can plan out anything).
In 10 years:
1) I will be finished with grad school and working as a PA (that's within 5 years)
2) My student loans will be paid off
3) I will own a house and a good car
4) I will live somewhere that I am able to see mountains on a regular basis
5) I will be married and have at least 1 child
If the last one doesn't happen, then I'll just add "I will have a 2nd home somewhere." Oh yeah, I would also like to pay my parents back for all the loans they took out for me to go to school.
We'll see....right now I can't even figure out how to get out of Kansas. I can't really right now. If I can get into WSU's PA program next year, it would be dumb of me not to go....the whole program costs less than one year of most other programs. I will still go ahead and apply to other programs...mostly on the East & West coasts. But money-wise it's going to be wise to stay where I am. Then I'll look all over for a job.
Can I really plan out anything? Probably not completely. I guess I can at least hope for those things in the next 10 years.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My mouth hurts, my head hurts, and my shoulders hurt...
I had a tooth removed last Thursday and my mouth is swollen and sore. I've been living on ibuprofen. I really REALLY should have had the doc give me the painkiller he said he could give me. Oh well. Anyway that is what is making my head hurt. And stress and tiredness is making my shoulders hurt. Oh well. Hopefully my mouth will feel better soon.
I just realized that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. People are talking about what they are giving up and I am not even joking, I'd give anything to be able to give up about 10 hours of work-time at this point. Ok, not really a possibility, I know. The last few years I've been hearing about people adding something for Lent, actually. Something that is challenging for them to do, something that will be enriching and hopefully a way to grow over the next 6 weeks.
I've been wanting to make myself take more time for me lately. I NEED to. I need to do something that is feeding my mine and soul. It's interesting when working in a place that you are caring for people. . .you end up in a place where for just a little while you have to think about only yourself and can't feel like you're being selfish. I do take some time every once in awhile but it's not always necessarily "good" for me. I need something besides watching some TV or a movie, or going out to dinner.
I was thinking I would like to find a good book to read and just commit to reading it everyday. Or do something that would definitely be challenging: read my Bible. Eek! I haven't read it on a regular basis in a very long time. Or I was thinking about making myself write each day. I haven't journaled in quite awhile either. I'll have to think about it. Quite honestly, like everything else my spiritual life has been in the dumps lately; it would probably be good for me to just take more time out to focus on it more.
We'll see. Maybe this Lenten season won't just be like another 6 weeks.
I had a tooth removed last Thursday and my mouth is swollen and sore. I've been living on ibuprofen. I really REALLY should have had the doc give me the painkiller he said he could give me. Oh well. Anyway that is what is making my head hurt. And stress and tiredness is making my shoulders hurt. Oh well. Hopefully my mouth will feel better soon.
I just realized that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. People are talking about what they are giving up and I am not even joking, I'd give anything to be able to give up about 10 hours of work-time at this point. Ok, not really a possibility, I know. The last few years I've been hearing about people adding something for Lent, actually. Something that is challenging for them to do, something that will be enriching and hopefully a way to grow over the next 6 weeks.
I've been wanting to make myself take more time for me lately. I NEED to. I need to do something that is feeding my mine and soul. It's interesting when working in a place that you are caring for people. . .you end up in a place where for just a little while you have to think about only yourself and can't feel like you're being selfish. I do take some time every once in awhile but it's not always necessarily "good" for me. I need something besides watching some TV or a movie, or going out to dinner.
I was thinking I would like to find a good book to read and just commit to reading it everyday. Or do something that would definitely be challenging: read my Bible. Eek! I haven't read it on a regular basis in a very long time. Or I was thinking about making myself write each day. I haven't journaled in quite awhile either. I'll have to think about it. Quite honestly, like everything else my spiritual life has been in the dumps lately; it would probably be good for me to just take more time out to focus on it more.
We'll see. Maybe this Lenten season won't just be like another 6 weeks.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Not getting into the PA program has gotten me on a major "thinking about life" kick. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. I feel like in some way I'll always be thinking about my life, of course. I'll always be trying to figure it out.
Truth is right now, I am not very satisfied with any part of my life. I'm fairly satisified with the hope that my life will not always be the way it is, but in general, I am just. . .not.
I have thought about the things that are the most important to me and things that I want someday. Or wish I had now. Relationships are important to me. Friends, family, etc. Well, my family is far away and quite honestly, I'm ok with that. After visiting last Christmas, I realized that I am totally ok with being 8 or 9 hours away. I miss seeing them for little things, like birthdays and random family get togethers, but as a whole I'm fine with being far away.
Then there are friends. I have friends here but I am so busy that I am not able to see them very often. Every once in awhile my roommate and I have late night girl talk which is good. All my other close friends live far away so talking to them is reserved for phone calls every once in awhile or catching each other online. Or commenting on Facebook status updates ;-) So while the friendships part of my life isn't ideal it isn't bad. I know what it was like having no one to hang out with here so I like that I do have people I can call up if I have time and go out to a movie or something.
Then, of course, there is the twinge of disappointment I feel every once in awhile when I wish I had someone sleeping next to me or someone to cuddle with while watching a movie. Or when I wish I wasn't feeling like I'm going through all this life stuff completely alone or wish I had someone besides myself to think of all the time. What's weird is that I am also trying to figure out how to have a friendship with a guy that I'd be dating if he were still here. Right now I figure that maybe I was just put into his life because he was going to need someone that was good to him and encouraging while he was going through all this stuff. We'll be friends for awhile then because of distance and our different lives, we'll just be like. . .facebook friends or something. That is, if he gets back on facebook, which I doubt. Anyway. It basically stinks knowing there is someone that thinks you are absolutely wonderful but is 1000+ miles away. Oh and has so much crap going on that really a relationship would be impossible anyway.
Past the relationships, there's the job/career/life passion thing. I am not satisfied with my jobs. I am not where I thought I'd be at 28 when it comes to my career. I mean, I still don't have one and it's frustrating. I figured I'd at least have a career if not a relationship or vice versa. And now it looks like I'm on the "I'm focused on my career right now" track. I pretty much figure the relationship thing won't happen until after I'm completely done with school and settled into a career, if it happens at all. Is that horrible? No. Is it how I want it? No. I already feel like I'm pursuing my 2nd choice career, which is fine, I am excited about someday being a PA. I hate that I have to wait even longer and have no idea how I'm going to continue to work 60 hours a week.
I know all this probably just sounds like small, stupid, shallow complaints, but I really do wonder how long I can go on being so unhappy with everything in my life. Do I really just have to live with it? Do I just continue to be patient and wait for the day when things aren't so bad? Can I will myself to be happy? Is it just all about positive thinking? Or do is there some kind of action involved? Then I also think about how really...I have NOTHING to complain about. I have nothing to worry about. I have nothing to really actually be unhappy about. Because even though it's not all I want right now. . .it's not bad. I know this.
Then there's the God aspect of all this. Even with being unsatisfied. . .I am still holding on to the idea that somehow God is working. I'm still praying that God will lead me to where he wants me. That he will continue making me into the person he wants me to be. I still trust that His hand is in my life. So does that mean I do just have to be patient and just wait? What do I do in the meantime really?
Who knows. I do know that even with this time of being unhappy, there are still good things. I will make it. I will do what I need to do to get what I want. And someday I will learn to hold on tight to the hope, wonder, and beauty that I know is all around me even when things aren't going well. I hope so, at least.
Truth is right now, I am not very satisfied with any part of my life. I'm fairly satisified with the hope that my life will not always be the way it is, but in general, I am just. . .not.
I have thought about the things that are the most important to me and things that I want someday. Or wish I had now. Relationships are important to me. Friends, family, etc. Well, my family is far away and quite honestly, I'm ok with that. After visiting last Christmas, I realized that I am totally ok with being 8 or 9 hours away. I miss seeing them for little things, like birthdays and random family get togethers, but as a whole I'm fine with being far away.
Then there are friends. I have friends here but I am so busy that I am not able to see them very often. Every once in awhile my roommate and I have late night girl talk which is good. All my other close friends live far away so talking to them is reserved for phone calls every once in awhile or catching each other online. Or commenting on Facebook status updates ;-) So while the friendships part of my life isn't ideal it isn't bad. I know what it was like having no one to hang out with here so I like that I do have people I can call up if I have time and go out to a movie or something.
Then, of course, there is the twinge of disappointment I feel every once in awhile when I wish I had someone sleeping next to me or someone to cuddle with while watching a movie. Or when I wish I wasn't feeling like I'm going through all this life stuff completely alone or wish I had someone besides myself to think of all the time. What's weird is that I am also trying to figure out how to have a friendship with a guy that I'd be dating if he were still here. Right now I figure that maybe I was just put into his life because he was going to need someone that was good to him and encouraging while he was going through all this stuff. We'll be friends for awhile then because of distance and our different lives, we'll just be like. . .facebook friends or something. That is, if he gets back on facebook, which I doubt. Anyway. It basically stinks knowing there is someone that thinks you are absolutely wonderful but is 1000+ miles away. Oh and has so much crap going on that really a relationship would be impossible anyway.
Past the relationships, there's the job/career/life passion thing. I am not satisfied with my jobs. I am not where I thought I'd be at 28 when it comes to my career. I mean, I still don't have one and it's frustrating. I figured I'd at least have a career if not a relationship or vice versa. And now it looks like I'm on the "I'm focused on my career right now" track. I pretty much figure the relationship thing won't happen until after I'm completely done with school and settled into a career, if it happens at all. Is that horrible? No. Is it how I want it? No. I already feel like I'm pursuing my 2nd choice career, which is fine, I am excited about someday being a PA. I hate that I have to wait even longer and have no idea how I'm going to continue to work 60 hours a week.
I know all this probably just sounds like small, stupid, shallow complaints, but I really do wonder how long I can go on being so unhappy with everything in my life. Do I really just have to live with it? Do I just continue to be patient and wait for the day when things aren't so bad? Can I will myself to be happy? Is it just all about positive thinking? Or do is there some kind of action involved? Then I also think about how really...I have NOTHING to complain about. I have nothing to worry about. I have nothing to really actually be unhappy about. Because even though it's not all I want right now. . .it's not bad. I know this.
Then there's the God aspect of all this. Even with being unsatisfied. . .I am still holding on to the idea that somehow God is working. I'm still praying that God will lead me to where he wants me. That he will continue making me into the person he wants me to be. I still trust that His hand is in my life. So does that mean I do just have to be patient and just wait? What do I do in the meantime really?
Who knows. I do know that even with this time of being unhappy, there are still good things. I will make it. I will do what I need to do to get what I want. And someday I will learn to hold on tight to the hope, wonder, and beauty that I know is all around me even when things aren't going well. I hope so, at least.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Rejection
Well, I got my rejection letter for the physician's assistant program. I was not surprised...still disappointed but not surprised. I knew after the interview that I didn't do well. I knew it.
So now I get to go through another year and a half of working 60 hours a week at two jobs that I don't like. I don't know if I can really do that. I may try to take a med aide class in the summer; I really don't think I can handle being a CNA any longer than I have to.
It looks like M will probably get out soon. His father got him an excellent lawyer and a few people here wrote letters to the judge about him. I've heard from him several times. He's doing fairly well.
I have to admit...the only thing I can think of is Arizona. And really hoping he gets out. That way we'll actually be able to talk to each other. There is a PA program at a school near Phoenix. I've already looked at it. How crazy am I? I mean. . .you'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time I liked a guy in another state. What's wrong with me? I'm crazy. I know.
Ok I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to stay here in good old Wichita until I rot. Ok, no, but longer than I want. I am so tired of it here. I continue to feel stuck here. This is not supposed to be home! This is not supposed to be where I'm supposed to be, damn it!
I'll be fine, I know I will be. I will apply to PA programs for next year and hopefully get into one. Mateo and I will be friends and if it's supposed to be anything more, then somehow it'll work out. Most likely it won't be anything more but I know it'll be good to be friends. He needs good friends.
So now I get to go through another year and a half of working 60 hours a week at two jobs that I don't like. I don't know if I can really do that. I may try to take a med aide class in the summer; I really don't think I can handle being a CNA any longer than I have to.
It looks like M will probably get out soon. His father got him an excellent lawyer and a few people here wrote letters to the judge about him. I've heard from him several times. He's doing fairly well.
I have to admit...the only thing I can think of is Arizona. And really hoping he gets out. That way we'll actually be able to talk to each other. There is a PA program at a school near Phoenix. I've already looked at it. How crazy am I? I mean. . .you'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time I liked a guy in another state. What's wrong with me? I'm crazy. I know.
Ok I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to stay here in good old Wichita until I rot. Ok, no, but longer than I want. I am so tired of it here. I continue to feel stuck here. This is not supposed to be home! This is not supposed to be where I'm supposed to be, damn it!
I'll be fine, I know I will be. I will apply to PA programs for next year and hopefully get into one. Mateo and I will be friends and if it's supposed to be anything more, then somehow it'll work out. Most likely it won't be anything more but I know it'll be good to be friends. He needs good friends.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Well after a week and a half of not being able to use my computer because the power adapter went out, my new one came today, thank goodness. All the way from Hong Kong. Yay ebay.
I got a letter on my birthday from M. He's doing ok, considering. I'm waiting to hear how his court date went on the 6th.
I had a fun birthday. I had a cake and candles at my young adult Bible study. And then me and two friends went out to a wine bar downtown called Oeno. It's a kind of New York City type place right in this small city of Wichita. Besides being almost totally empty, it was a lot of fun. I tried a few different samples of red wine and had some fancy cheese. Then had to go get something to eat at Old Chicago to kill the buzz a bit ;-) I also got a leather jacket for $40. It's one that would normally cost about $300. I was excited!
I must admit that even though there are good parts of a day and good days. . .it seems like really I've been in more of a depressed state lately. I'm stuck in a waiting mode when it comes to knowing if I'll be starting school this summer or not. Right now thought of classes and 60 hours a week of work is overwhelming for the next 4 months or so, let alone the thought of doing it another year and a half if I don't get it. I know I can do it, I just really don't want to. Then there is the disappointment of a stop to a relationship that never even got started really. We are writing though. And we'll continue to. We'll definitely be friends.
Maybe he's right. . .he said there's a reason God brought us together. We'll see. Until then I'll keep working and keep hoping that I get to start PA program this summer. I just need to get through the interview first. It's on the 16th. I haven't really started getting nervous about it yet. I do have a cute suit to wear though.
I just thought of the words of a song that I used to listen to...I can't remember if Rich Mullins wrote it or someone kind of like him but the words are: Hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf, you have been my king of glory, won't you be my prince of peace....thank goodness for someone else being able to put something into words that I can't.
I got a letter on my birthday from M. He's doing ok, considering. I'm waiting to hear how his court date went on the 6th.
I had a fun birthday. I had a cake and candles at my young adult Bible study. And then me and two friends went out to a wine bar downtown called Oeno. It's a kind of New York City type place right in this small city of Wichita. Besides being almost totally empty, it was a lot of fun. I tried a few different samples of red wine and had some fancy cheese. Then had to go get something to eat at Old Chicago to kill the buzz a bit ;-) I also got a leather jacket for $40. It's one that would normally cost about $300. I was excited!
I must admit that even though there are good parts of a day and good days. . .it seems like really I've been in more of a depressed state lately. I'm stuck in a waiting mode when it comes to knowing if I'll be starting school this summer or not. Right now thought of classes and 60 hours a week of work is overwhelming for the next 4 months or so, let alone the thought of doing it another year and a half if I don't get it. I know I can do it, I just really don't want to. Then there is the disappointment of a stop to a relationship that never even got started really. We are writing though. And we'll continue to. We'll definitely be friends.
Maybe he's right. . .he said there's a reason God brought us together. We'll see. Until then I'll keep working and keep hoping that I get to start PA program this summer. I just need to get through the interview first. It's on the 16th. I haven't really started getting nervous about it yet. I do have a cute suit to wear though.
I just thought of the words of a song that I used to listen to...I can't remember if Rich Mullins wrote it or someone kind of like him but the words are: Hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf, you have been my king of glory, won't you be my prince of peace....thank goodness for someone else being able to put something into words that I can't.
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