We're off!!!

First of all, my truck is fixed. It was the starter.

Next, tomorrow BF and I leave for Illinois! We won't get there until about midnight and have to leave early on Sunday but we're going! It's very cute; he's actually nervous about meeting my family. Down to being worried about what he should wear. Awww....what's really funny is I said something about what to wear while we drove and he said "you're such a girl." I said, "yes I am, and very proud of it."

I'm excited. We're going to eat at Steak-N-Shake (we're going to eat at one then down the road further stop at one to get shakes!), stop at a Shop-N-Save so I can get some Wolfgang Puck soup, eat some good homemade food, and just relax. And I'll try not to dwell on the fact that there's no pig.

My truck

My truck is dead in a grocery store parking lot.

I'm frustrated. I tried jumping it but it didn't work. So now I will have to go get the battery tested and clean it up a little to see if it really is the battery.

If not, who knows what it is.

These things happen and it makes me frustrated because I know that if I wasn't such an idiot with money I'd be able to get a different vehicle. But no, I'll be stuck with my truck for who knows how long.

Oh well.

Hopefully tomorrow someone will take me to get the battery tested.

Things that make me happy

1) Morning text messages from a certain someone

2) Mid-morning text messages from that same certain someone

3) Fields of sunflowers

4) Monarch butterflies on the sunflowers

5) Not caring that I have walked by a certain minivan twice today

6) Being able to listen to songs that used to make me sad

7) This is the Monday that BF comes up to pick me up from work and take me to dinner.

8) Chatting with women from work

9) Knowing that there's a very good chance I will finish knitting my brother's scarf by this weekend

10) Going to my family reunion this weekend and BF coming with me

11) Looking forward to the fact that I am less than a week away from eating at Steak-n-Shake

weekend update

I think it's funny I went from writing multiple things some days to hardly anything. I'm not sure what to write. But here goes:

-Rehearsals for Fiddler are going well. The only bad thing about rehearsals this week is there is one on Thursday night which is the same night as the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. I'm not happy about that. Other than that besides having to hit a really high note out of the middle of nowhere, it's great.

-Work is going well. I've been praying that I can just handle the mundane tasks as best as possible. I love the office; it's been a really good experience.

-I participated in small town America Saturday. BF's little town was having a little celebration. His youth group sold drinks, we had AMAZING BBQ, and went to the rodeo. It was fun! I got worried everytime a guy got bucked off though. I have horrible memories of the movie 8 Seconds.

-Before that, I went down to where he lives to one of the many amazing sunflower fields. I borrowed BF's camera and took pictures. I'm hoping out of 3 rolls of film I have a few that would make a pretty collage for my mom for Christmas. She loves sunflowers. I also hope that the shots of the butterflies on the sunflowers turned out ok. It was amazing standing there in the field and watching all the butterflies and other insects buzzing around.

-This coming weekend is my family's annual pig roast in Illinois. Unfortunately they passed on responsibility to my uncle and he apparently decided that it was too much of a hassle to actually roast a pig. I'm not happy about that; this is the first time I've gotten to go since I moved to Colorado. One amazing thing? BF is coming with me!!! So he'll get to meet ALL my family. He's a little nervous. I told him not to be except for the fact that if it was ever needed, my brother, cousin, and uncle could all snap him like a twig ;-)

-Every so often BF just makes me catch my breath. Like when he tells me there's a song that makes him think of me. I told him that if he likes to see me smile so much, he should've seen me once he told me that. How come it's so easy to fall for those things? ;-)

I bet you wish you knew what song it is. hehehe, too bad! I'm not tellling!

What time is it?

It is 3:30 am.

I am awake. And I don't feel well. I am not sure what's wrong.

Now I am watching music videos. This is like the only time you can actually watch videos. There's a really weird song on right now; I don't who sings it or what it's called but the video is a little weird. well the guy singing it is a little weird. Ok it's silverchair who I think I've heard of. But I'm not sure what else they sing. Now there's another song that isn't that great. It's funny hearing white boys singing R & B type songs. It's hard to pull it off. Except this guys last name makes me think he's Jewish. Justin Timberlake can kinda pulls it off. Actually I love his song lovestoned. It's so much fun to dance to. There are a lot of songs I want to get. Ok what is with Nelly Furtado turning into a slutty hip-hop singer? I used to like her stuff. Now she's completely different, and of course, more popular. It's all about the benjamins. Ha!

Geez there's a lot of interesting commercials on now.
Oh have you heard of a movie that has to do with the 60s? It's a musical called Across the Universe. BF keeps turning up his nose at it but I think it looks awesome. I'll proably go see it.

So I'm to the point where I really don't like that I only get to see BF a few times a week. I miss him a lot during the week. And now I'm running into a dilemma. My church is starting a Saturday night service and I really want to be involved. Except. . .Saturdays are when I get to see BF. On days he doesn't work I usually go see him pretty much as soon as I wake up and get ready. On days he does work (every other week) I'm there pretty much when he gets home. So I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to commit to help with the service and then turn around and not stick with it. I don't want to miss out of spending time with BF. But then I wonder if the reason of wanting to see my boyfriend isn't a good reason to not be involved. I don't know.

Ok that's enough rambling. It's 4 am now.

Glasses

First order of business: I am getting a new e-mail address. Or a better way to put it is that I'm not renewing my Mac e-mail so I'm going to switch to a different one. I think between facebook and myspace I will pretty much be able to notify everyone who needs or wants it but if for some reason you don't get a message from me and do want my e-mail let me know.

Next, I am stuck wearing my glasses. Funny story really. Last night I opened my window because it was going to be nice and cool. Well my window is right by my balcony and my balcony is where a tarp and some plastic got put after I moved (since it was rainy the day I moved). Well the wind was blowing the plastic and it woke me up so I proceeded to go outside (at 1 am) to try to tuck some of the ends under so they wouldn't blow around as much. I did this twice and at one point my eyes were getting dry and my contacts were messing up so I rubbed them a little and I guess managed to rub a contact out. Now if anyone is asking why I was sleeping in my contacts it's because they are disposable night and day ones, so technically I can (even though I've been told not to, oops). So I woke up this morning to blurry vision and finally realized why.
Luckily I found a doctor that can see me today and if I'm really lucky he'll have a pair of contacts in my prescription to hold me over until the ones I will order come in. If not, I will be stuck wearing my glasses for at least a week. And BF will have to see me in them. I guess since I'm not used to wearing them, I feel like a nerd when I do. But oh well, he has glasses too.

Also, I really hate garbage trucks; they wake me up at least once a week at 5 am. This morning was the second time this week.

Captivating

I started reading the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge and I'm hooked. I borrowed it from someone, although I think I may have to go buy it. It's one of those books you need to be able to write in and highlight.
I have a million thoughts running around in my head.
One of the things is talks about is how you are taught to be a woman by your parents. And how things your parents did shapes you. A little while after moving to Colorado I went through the whole thing of forgiving my parents for things they did and did not do (which in their case was more the norm). After reading through those parts of the book, I was happy to note that I honestly have forgiven them. I can still look at the ways my parents shaped me, ways I do not like, but I'm not angry at them. It continues to be so freeing.

I recognize my mother's unique strength more now. She put up with a lot from us kids, dad, and dad's profession. But, in general, my mom was not a strong person. It took her a long time to find her identity, I think, as a wife, mother, and a woman. She was the kind of woman she believed she was supposed to be. She was quiet & passive. When she was angry, she would close up. The silent treatment was her thing. A lot of this came from her mother.
My sister had her issues with mom as well, but sometimes I feel like it was a bit harder for me. I sometimes think that she didn't know how to relate to me. She's always commented on how she is amazed at how smart I am and even how fearless I am. The first time I drove out to Colorado by myself, she was just amazed I could do something like that. She was impressed at my sense of independence. Over the last few years she has been more encouraging but while growing up there wasn't a lot of that. But anyway, despite all that, I know she did the best she could and I love her.

Things about dad were interesting. I never had any doubt in my mind that dad loved me. Adored me even. If you ask my sister, she would probably say that I had the tendency to be dad's favorite. But if the theory behind the 5 love languages has any merit, I don't think the way he showed love was how I received love. The worst memories I have of my dad have to do with his anger. The best? Him spending time doing special things with us kids like taking us to baseball games (even if he did make us leave early).

One thing that the book also goes into is the topic of beauty. I remember having the thought growing up that to believe you were beautiful meant that you were vain and that was bad. I remember telling my mom that I thought my hair was pretty. It was long, flowy, and soft. She told me that was vanity. Yes I know that beauty is fleeting and it's a lot more than looks, but I know now that beauty is not wrong. It's one of the things that makes me female. It is one of the ways we project the image of God. And His beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. By the world's standards I am not beautiful. I'm not super thin and my skin still resembles a 16-year-olds. But over the last few years, I realize that I am, in fact, beautiful. All of me.

So as much as I do enjoy the times I have my nights to myself, I also really like when I don't have my nights to myself. ;-)

Yesterday I went to BF's. He had to take some pictures of some churches so first we did that. It was about a 2 hours trip. :) We were both getting ansy being in the car. I couldn't sit still and we were both hungry. We got that finished then we went back to his apartment, made dinner, and watched Blades of Glory. It was funny.

I just had a good time.

I can't remember all the things I've wrote about BF. So I'm going to do a bit of that now.

BF lives in a little town outside of Winfield, Kansas. He works full-time at a nursing home and is getting ready to apply to the physician's assistant program at WSU. He is also a part-time youth pastor at a few little churches also near Winfield. He graduated from college the same time I did (with the same degree). Knowing that, you could probably guess that he's a few years younger than me. He's 23. It doesn't seem like it, though. I tease him sometimes that he's younger than my brother! It's fun.
Let's see what do I like about him? He's smart, funny, he loves movies, Mexican food, and he's just. . .incredibly sweet. And he's been so patient with me. There's been a few times when I've been a bit freaked out (a bit?!) and he's just been caring and understanding about it. I love that we just enjoy each other's company. I think I'm getting to the point that I really wish I could see him more often.
I start rehearsal tomorrow evening and he's still going to come up as usual, probably bring me a cranberry limeade from Sonic and take me out to dinner. And maybe if rehearsal gets done soon enough he can come over after Bible study too.

Oh man, I need to get ready for church. They changed the service times and now I have to be there 15 minutes earlier! It's throwing off my whole morning. I can't finish watching I Love Lucy! ;-)

Roddick lost. But he did play well.

I found out that I may not have to think about whether or not BF will stay in Kansas. Looks like he missed the application deadline for a couple and doesn't have all the prerequistes for the others. So now it's just Wichita State. Except there is a new prereq (just added this year) that he doesn't have. Now he will have to decide if it's worth taking it with the risk of not getting into the program. I'm thinking he just needs to go to seminary like everyone keeps telling him he should. Then I can run away screaming. ;-)

Who knows.

Ok back to work.

Thinking

Things I've been thinking about:

1) Whether or not I should switch cell phone companies. I'm on verizon and I can talk to my sister and brother for free but I'm always on the extended network if I'm outside of Wichita. It's annoying. I've been looking at a few others. Choosing a new cell phone company feels as serious as deciding where to live or what career to choose. Luckily I have until January to figure it out. :)

2) I really want to get in shape. Little by little I've been trying to eat better, I have only had one soda in the last 3 weeks, and I'm walking and going to start yoga. And with any luck my high school and college tennis player BF will be up for teaching me how to play. Watching the US Open has got me itching to play again.

3) BF is applying to physicians' assistant programs. One is in Kansas. There's also Colorado, Oklahoma, and Nebraska. I'm trying not to think of it at all. I don't want to think of him leaving and then me still having to be here. But I know I can't worry about it. There's nothing even saying we'll still be together by the time he leaves anyway.

4) I really am looking forward to being in Fiddler even though I will miss Bible study for 10 weeks. Monday nights are when we'll be working on music and large group scenes, which is what I'll be doing the most of.

5) Roger Federer and Andy Roddick are playing in the US Open tonight. I'm going to watch. I am sure that Federer will win but it should be a good match. If Roddick actually wins then I would put money that he'd actually win the open. It would be an amazing accomplishment for him.

6) I have a lot of books to read. I started Uncle Tom's Cabin, The Divine Conspiracy, and A Journey through the Hebrew Scriptures. I also (at the suggestion of Val) want to get Captivating. I need to get going on them all.

Ok I think that's all for now.

Romantic day

Hmm. Do you think there's a part of me that is still scared shitless of relationships? And I don't even think that it's just relationships with men. I think it's all relationships and friendships. There's always part of me that is scared, I think. I'm scared that something will happen and we'll not be friends anymore. I'm afraid to call people because I figure they'll be busy and not want to talk. I figure it's easier to just be on my own rather than taking the risk of letting someone see me for who I really am. And even though there have been many relationships that have left me with my heart broken and a few broken friendships, I get proven wrong on so many occassions. There are so many people who have stuck by me and I hope that I will be friends with for life. I still figure I'm not that great of a friend back, but I'll work on it.
Another thing that I keep getting proved wrong on is about BF (oooo I almost typed his name out). I talked to him the other night about somethings that were bothering me. In the words of Val, I basically told him, "I want to be wooed, damn it!" So we talked about it. What's funny is when we were talking about it, he said that he had our date planned for Saturday. I was like "What?!" He had two dates planned and they were both a surprise. He gave me a few hints but I couldn't figure out what they were.
So yesterday I went to his place and picked our date. I picked Mystery Date #2, which was entitled "I've got you Babe, hook, line, and mallet":
1) Baking cookies (ok I knew that much because we needed cookies for a BBQ on Monday)
2) Dinner at the Hooker (yes it's a little place out in the country that is a restaurant/bait shop, hence the hook and line part of the title, they have AMAZING homemade pies)
3) Backyard croquet (that's where the mallet comes in, it was fun, I beat him!! And I think he was a little mad)
4) Watching a romantic comedy "Laws of Attraction" (that's where the I've got you babe comes in) It was actually good, usually Julianne Moore gets on my nerves.
5) Stargazing (that was my favorite part and one of the times when my truck comes in really handy)

It was a wonderful day. We also watched True Lies and the Incredibles. It's kinda funny; we're always watching movies. I love it. Next time he comes over to my apartment I think I'll have to get him to watch one of my old musicals. He needs to know who Gene Kelly is :)
The cookies turned out wonderfully. We made double chocolate chip and at one point he was measuring out the cocoa and spilled it and then I threw some at him. It was funny. When he lost at croquet he hit his ball really hard. I wished we could've played longer but it was getting too dark.
The movie was good . . . and I must say, I love cuddling. And that's all I'll say. ;-)
Stargazing was wonderful. We just layed in the back of my truck and stared up at the sky. We chatted a little bit and I teased him about losing at croquet. Then the most romantic thing . . . we saw shooting stars! It was wonderful . . . I didn't want to leave.

He has been so patient with me. He knows that I'm still a little scared but brought up how I need to be careful that it doesn't prevent me from experiencing something good. I know that's true. I'm trying. I'm still a little surprised he hasn't turned and run away but I'm thinking that it's saying a lot that he hasn't.

Oh crap I need to go get ready for church. I'm probably going to be late.