Captivating

I started reading the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge and I'm hooked. I borrowed it from someone, although I think I may have to go buy it. It's one of those books you need to be able to write in and highlight.
I have a million thoughts running around in my head.
One of the things is talks about is how you are taught to be a woman by your parents. And how things your parents did shapes you. A little while after moving to Colorado I went through the whole thing of forgiving my parents for things they did and did not do (which in their case was more the norm). After reading through those parts of the book, I was happy to note that I honestly have forgiven them. I can still look at the ways my parents shaped me, ways I do not like, but I'm not angry at them. It continues to be so freeing.

I recognize my mother's unique strength more now. She put up with a lot from us kids, dad, and dad's profession. But, in general, my mom was not a strong person. It took her a long time to find her identity, I think, as a wife, mother, and a woman. She was the kind of woman she believed she was supposed to be. She was quiet & passive. When she was angry, she would close up. The silent treatment was her thing. A lot of this came from her mother.
My sister had her issues with mom as well, but sometimes I feel like it was a bit harder for me. I sometimes think that she didn't know how to relate to me. She's always commented on how she is amazed at how smart I am and even how fearless I am. The first time I drove out to Colorado by myself, she was just amazed I could do something like that. She was impressed at my sense of independence. Over the last few years she has been more encouraging but while growing up there wasn't a lot of that. But anyway, despite all that, I know she did the best she could and I love her.

Things about dad were interesting. I never had any doubt in my mind that dad loved me. Adored me even. If you ask my sister, she would probably say that I had the tendency to be dad's favorite. But if the theory behind the 5 love languages has any merit, I don't think the way he showed love was how I received love. The worst memories I have of my dad have to do with his anger. The best? Him spending time doing special things with us kids like taking us to baseball games (even if he did make us leave early).

One thing that the book also goes into is the topic of beauty. I remember having the thought growing up that to believe you were beautiful meant that you were vain and that was bad. I remember telling my mom that I thought my hair was pretty. It was long, flowy, and soft. She told me that was vanity. Yes I know that beauty is fleeting and it's a lot more than looks, but I know now that beauty is not wrong. It's one of the things that makes me female. It is one of the ways we project the image of God. And His beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. By the world's standards I am not beautiful. I'm not super thin and my skin still resembles a 16-year-olds. But over the last few years, I realize that I am, in fact, beautiful. All of me.