better

I feel a little bad for looking forward to Wednesday afternoons. This is the day that my boss teaches a class and leaves at 3:30. So unless there is just something pressing to do, I admit it: I goof off.
Including writing this :-)

So surprise, surprise, I feel better. I sent J an e-mail on Monday that managed to completely lift my spirits. I started remembering the things I have to look forward to and the things that make me, ME. One of the things that make me, me, will happen after work. I will defy the idea that women can not fix cars and replace my serpentine belt in my truck. It completely split in two last night around 11:30 as I was driving home from visiting J. It was great. . ..Haha! Now I admit that by the time I get the belt on, I will probably be a little pissed off but oh well. The final step of getting it on is the most difficult and I'll be rushing to get it done before its dark. But I'll do it.

Anyway, between writing the e-mail and the discussion we had after he read it, I am definitely feeling better. It still seems a little weird for me to think about it but J and I are, I think, taking steps to really figure out our relationship and where it's going. I guess you could say we're digging into it a little deeper. I know it's not going to be easy but I think it'll be good, whatever ends up happening.

I probably don't read as many as other people, but there are definitely a number of blogs I read regularly. One of them is by a woman who has cancer. One is by a woman who is a recovering addict. One is by a woman who at the age of 25 is a widow. And one is by a woman who after almost a whole lifetime of believing in God, is now an atheist. Besides the blogs of friends I read, those are the main four I always check.

Reading the one by the woman with cancer makes me feel awful for thinking my life is so awful. Reading the one by the young widow makes me feel awful that I was so upset by moving to a new place only to be dumped. Reading the one by the atheist makes me scared that even after a lifetime of believing there is a chance of not. And reading the one by the addict. . .gives me hope.

I've definitely been depressed lately. It's very frustrating because I always have this feeling of not having any reason to be. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my refridgerator. . .I am not lacking anything. On Friday I helped one of the guys in our Bible study help his sister with cleaning and laundry. It was one of the worst things I've seen. The house was a disaster. Holes in the walls, dried egg from when the kids threw eggs at the walls, dirty diapers just laying around. We ended up loading up the back of my truck with bags of clothes that were no longer wearable. Even then there were about 15 loads of laundry to do. And even though there is barely enough money to buy food for the 6 kids, there is enough to buy beer and cigarettes, a big-screen TV and have digital cable. I told the guy that I'd be willing to help out again. The biggest obstacle is going to be trying to teach their mother how to manage. No point in getting the place cleaned up only for it to become like it was before. I don't know if it'll work. I pray to God it does.

It made me scared of what life can do to people. I think what makes me even more scared is that I wonder sometimes if it's all worth it or if there's anything really to look forward to.

Yesterday I got to thinking that one of the things I'm scared of is never being happy here. I'm scared that I will end up staying and always regret it. And that I'll always wish I was somewhere or someone else. I pray that doesn't happen. Although I can feel it already happening.

Christmas is coming. I have my decorations up, lights outside but I'm not at all excited.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm so tired of being like this.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving!!!

I love Thanksgiving. I love the whole holiday season. Except for the crazy shopping. I feel sorry for the people who have to go to work tomorrow at 5 am (or earlier!) and deal with crazy people. J's mom goes to the stores at 5 am. I used to want to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving but not anymore.

Ok but that's not today :-D. Today I get to have french toast for breakfast, make an apple pie, and spend Thanksgiving with J's family. And I get to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade! I never get to watch much of it because we're always traveling to grandma's.

And as much as I get tired of the crazy shopping (or rather, the way that shopping for the holidays makes people crazy and forget what it's all supposed to be about) I wouldn't mind taking a trip up to Kansas City to do some real shopping. Wichita doesn't have many good stores. I don't know if I'll get to do that or not.

Anyway, I'm excited for today and I went ahead and got out my Christmas decorations (I think I may have to get a few more) and listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

One thing I have thought about is Advent. I've never paid much attention to it. We're going to do an Advent study at the office and I have an Advent calendar with different Bible passages to read everyday. Maybe I'll do that.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!!!

About the letter

Well J and I talked last night about the letter. It was a good, productive conversation. He asked me questions about the things I wrote about and even if it was difficult, I answered honestly.

Both of us have at least one thing we have to work on. I have to work on actually trusting him. I told him that I don't trust him completely because I am still scared that he will end up being like everyone else. I'm working on it. I've been more willing to open up and tell him things and realizing that he isn't like everyone else. And even if down the road we realize we aren't meant for each other that doesn't mean I can't trust him.
He has to work on his attitude that because he is the guy, he always has to be strong. He doesn't want to show that he has a weakness which is why it's been so hard for him to admit that he has been struggling with being depressed over the last few months. So I hope for both of us, over time, we will overcome these things.

I do feel better about things. He asked really good questions that helped me think through how I was feeling. And he didn't make me feel badly about any of it either. I was glad of that.

I am heading down to his grandparents' tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Of course, I will miss being with my family but I am looking forward to it. I'm making apple pie! Yummy!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

What a weekend

This was a interesting, crazy, wonderful weekend.

My parents and sister came on Friday and went to the musical on Saturday. We just chilled out Saturday morning. We ate french toast and bacon for breakfast, had a little snack at Panera bread, went to Target, and ate dinner at Chipotle. J came too.

J came to the musical on Friday night and he brought me flowers. He was so excited and happy for me. Which made me feel bad because I had written him a letter about some things I was really frustrated about. I didn't want to give it to him. But I did anyway. . .he read it right away. One of the things that has been bothering me is the fact that he doesn't really talk to me but he'll talk to other people about what is going on with him. He doesn't want to burden me with it all (I found this out from the person he told), but him not being open with me has made me upset and makes me not want to be open with him. So anyway, we'll see what happens with that. He took me out to lunch today and I'm spending Thanksgiving with his family so I think everything will be ok. There's just some stuff we need to work on.

I loved having my family here. The musical was awesome. And hopefully J and I will work on the things we need to work on.

Thoughts, part 1

Fiddler starts tomorrow! We had a dress rehearsal last night and there's another one tonight. I think it'll go well although it just seemed like a mess last night. I hope tonight goes better. There are several things I have to move on and off stage and I kept forgetting. Oh well.

I got my dress finished and it turned out really good! I'll make sure to get a picture and I'll post it.



I have had so many things on my mind lately. Not any real problems or issues, just thoughts and general wonderings.

Lately it's been difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I am still in Kansas. I think back to a year ago and remember how I was convinced I was going to move back to Illinois at Thanksgiving. Even went as far as quitting my job. I think I just wanted an excuse to quit so I could go home for Thanksgiving. The thought of spending the holidays alone were too much to handle. But I stayed. And now it seems I will be sticking around for awhile. I will be here at least another year for work but most likely more to go to grad school. Ultimately I think I'll be ok with it, but I also know that it will take a long time before it feels even close to "home." It still feels so temporary. I don't know for sure what will happen with J. I don't know if I'll get into grad school. If you told me right now that neither of those things would work out, I'd start looking forward to next November when I could move, even if I was willing to wait that long. Lots of people can print letters and make up excel spreadsheets.

I still don't like that everytime I think about how I got to Kansas, I think of D. I probably always will. I know as time goes on, it will be less. I have a feeling I'll always wonder how the kids are. Of course, I think you always wonder about people who have been a part of your life. There are other people I wonder about as well.

But so much has happened over the last year and a half. Things that are good. I have J, I have friends here, I really like (and miss!) my Bible study group, I am going to join the choir at church, and although my job is incredibly boring at times, I love the people I work with. There's one lady that every once in awhile, we'll have a good conversation. Really there's potential all around me. I have the potential to have close relationships, be involved at church, and really have a life here. Sometimes, though, I think I still struggle with it being a life that isn't what I thought it would be. I've struggled with that for years and I know it's common. Sometimes I still wish I was traveling around singing or living in NYC, performing on Broadway. There have been times during the musical when I notice a kid or two that really has talent and a lot of potential and see how their parents are encouraging it, and it's frustrating because I didn't get the same encouragement. But I see ways to still do things I enjoy even if it's not on such a grand scale. The director of the musical is the choir director at church and he has encouraged me to join. There will be more of these little productions and who's to say I won't get a chance to sing and perform more often. We'll see.

Ok that's it for now. More thoughts later.

A few weeks ago when I went bowling with J's youth group, we also went to a church service before hand. The pastor spoke about basically being content & making the best out of your circumstances, using the passage Jeremiah 11 as an illustration. The people had been exiled to Babylon and, through Jeremiah, they were told by God to. . .well, live their lives. They had jobs, families and watched their children marry and have their own children. I think it was 70 years they were there. I'm sure they dreamed of their home (Israel) and probably sat around and complained about being stuck in Babylon but they lived anyway. They were told that God had a plan for them and they believed it (Ok I know the Bible may not mention this but I'm sure they had their moments of not believing it, they did have a history of it & it is a bit of human nature).

J reminded me of this last night when I was telling him about how upside down and out of it I still feel at times. As excited I was about being in the musical, I'm ready to perform it and get it over with. Actually, I have fixed feelings. I am excited about the performances. I am ready for it. I'm excited about my dress that is coming along wonderfully. I finally get my old-fashioned costume. On the other hand, I'm ready to start going back to Bible study. I miss it.

It's a gorgeous day here today. But as beautiful it is, I still imagine in my head how beautiful the mountains of Colorado are. It's still sometimes hard not to think about it and wish I was there. Especially when I remember the way I got here in the first place. But then, it's hard to say that because of all that has happened. J. . .the musical. . .I am going to start singing in the choir at church. None of that would've happened if I hadn't come. Hell, one of these days I may end up having to thank D! (Ok let's not go that far)

I think that still being uncertain of what my life will hold (and I know everyone is uncertain) is hard. I will be 27 in January and I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I still feel like I'm still waiting for my life to start.
But I am still hopeful. I am still hoping to go to grad school in a year. My relationship with J is still growing. I've seen that in how I have been able to open up to him more, especially in the last week. He's more helpful than I thought he would be. Although, he used a cliche Christian phrase last night but I told him that I hated it. :-) He understood. It has sometimes been difficult for me to believe he can handle all my issues.

So even with the uncertainty, I will still be hopeful. And remember to be thankful. Because I know I do have a lot to be thankful for. And lots to look forward to.

I am almost finished with my costume! All I have to do is hem the skirt and put on the buttons. And if I can't figure out how to do the button holes, then I will sew on the buttons and just use velcro to fasten the bodice. The audience doesn't have to know! :-)
The show is next week. It's on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And, of course, there are rehearsals every night next week. And my parents, sister, and brother are all coming!

I started thinking last night about how I miss being busy. Work isn't very busy right now and I just get bored so easily, it seems. And even with the musical, I don't have much going on. I haven't had to commit to anything outside of regular rehearsals since I don't have a big part. What's funny is that I'm sure at some point I'll look back and miss not being busy! I have decided that I'm going to join the choir at church. I think that'll be good and maybe help me to get to know some more people there. I will probably try to find a job after the new year as well. And I think I am going to try and get into sewing more. I want to make some skirts and maybe even try a jacket/blazer type thing.

I feel bad for J though. Cause he is busy. The nursing home is short staffed so everyone has to work overtime. He has been working one or two 12-hour shifts a week. Plus 2 after-school programs for two churches and youth group. And on top of all that he's been sick this week. He really hasn't gotten a chance to rest much, I don't think. I wish I could do something for him. Which I'm sure he thinks I've done enough since he started getting sick after he saw me on Saturday...my throat was a bit sore. Apparently, he gets sick very easily. All I did was sit next to him on the couch (seriously).
There's a lock-in on Saturday that I'm helping with. I will try to do as much as I can for him but may just end up being the person yelling at the kids (his voice is about gone, of course, I have to be careful too!) if any of the "couples" start getting to cozy. Which is bound to happen considering it's a movie-themed lock-in. There will be movies going on in 3 or 4 different rooms. Fun idea, huh? There's even going to be a concession stand.

I've been feeling very ho-hum lately. I know I shouldn't whine about it but it's hard not to sometimes. Oh well. I'll just try to enjoy it and find things to do.

Apparently, my unwillingness to go to church wasn't just last week. . .I woke up thinking it was after 10 only to realize I had forgotten about the time change it was only after 9. I still didn't want to go. I am not sure why. It's weird especially since I had gotten to a point where I really wanted to go. Oh well. I didn't beat myself up over it. I tried to have a bit of quiet time. But all that ended up being was reading a little passage out of the Bible and saying a little prayer. It was all I could muster. I did have a nice relaxing day though.
I had rehearsal and I had thought that I'd try to go to the 5:30 service but I got done with practice at 3 and couldn't find something to waste 2 1/2 hours. I went to a couple of stores nearby but it was too tempting. I kept finding things I wanted but knew I couldn't buy them so I decided that it would be better for me to just go home. Then I just chilled; I watched what was left of the Patriots-Colts game (it was a good one, both teams were undefeated, now just the Patriots still are), cleaned up my apartment, ate some pizza, then remember that I have a dress to make!
I don't remember if I mentioned it but I am making my costume for Fiddler on the Roof. I got the bodice pieces put together and the collar on. I put on a musical while I was working and ended up working until almost midnight! I completely lost track of time.

Days like yesterday and not wanting to go to church always make me think about my whole spiritual life, my thoughts about church, and just faith in general. I got to thinking (again) about what it really means to have a relationship with Christ. I'm still not sure what it means exactly. Except that I think I know more now what it means to rely on him. I don't think I would've made it through this year without him. Well I guess I could've made it but I don't know if I would be in a good place. I find myself restless at times, wishing there were things I could do to live out my faith more. Not because it's what I'm supposed to do but because I just really want to. I feel like all I do is think of myself and it gets tiring!

What's church? Is it just a Sunday morning event? Or is it something more? I was reading the first couple chapters of Acts and found it interesting that the early believers just came together, broke bread (i.e. fellowship), and worshipped. Is that what we do on Sunday morning? Or Saturday night (As many churches are having services that night)? Sometimes it seems that there is such an emphasis on going to a church service as if that is the number one evidence of faith...but is it really? Or is it just one factor in the midst of several things that are evidence of faith? If a church is supposed to help people get connected into a community of believers, what happens when that doesn't happen? Am I asking this because its never happened to me? I've never felt like I truly belonged in any church community. I have found places that I like to go as far as the church service but I've never belonged. I've always felt like an outsider. Of course, growing up no church was "mine," it was just where dad was the pastor at the time. It didn't take long for me to figure out that the Illinois United Methodism that I was surrounded with (ok really just one group in particular) demanded me live up to a set of standards I couldn't live up to.
Am I using it all as an excuse?

a few little revelations

Last night I went to J's youth group meeting and helped cook a meal. It was the birthday of his foreign exchange student so he wanted to make a dish from his native country (Thailand).
He found a recipe and I told him that I could pick up anything that he couldn't get down where he lived. There are several asian markets (I now know of 3 just within a mile or two of my apartment) so I could easily pick up hard to find ingredients. I got the things that he said he couldn't get at a regular grocery store only to get to the church to have him ask me "where's the rest of the stuff?" Apparently he thought I was picking up everything right down to the green onions! I was very proud of myself; I calmly explained that I thought he was getting that stuff and that it was my understanding I was only getting things that he couldn't get at the grocery store. I did apologize for forgetting to bring the garlic though; I had said that I'd bring that since I already had some.
Anyway, there was someone he called that could go pick up the rest of it, so it worked out ok. I did think it was funny though because no one was surprised that there was a miscommunication; apparently a few of the adults have had their moments of confusion with him. I'll have to remember that.
So now I know that I just have to make sure we're very clear on plans and who's responsible for what. I'm glad it turned out ok though. It was a lot of fun.

It got me to thinking about how everyone has their own talents and things they like to do. . .the last few weeks I've really realized I love to cook. I really do. And not just the end result of the meal but the process of cooking. I always make a huge mess but that's part of the fun. I don't like feeling rushed about it because the whole process is theraputic. I also love that J will help me clean up! :-) I love trying new things and using fresh, different ingredients. I'm not sure why this surprises me so much.

Another thing I started thinking of has to do with a comment one of the other adults made last night. I needed help lighting the stove (I really am afraid of sticking a match down through the little grate while the gas is on) so asked someone to light it but then needed another one lit a little bit later and he said "boy you sure are demanding." I knew he was joking but in an effort to keep myself from actually thinking I was being too demanding I said "I'm just at take charge individual." Of course, this isn't true, but what's funny is the guy said "Good, J needs a take charge kind of woman!" I thought this was interesting. J is a very type-A organized individual. But I have noticed (and after getting some insight from other people) that he can also be a bit of a flake. Which, I guess, is just his 23-year-old guy-ness coming out. Sometimes it's frustrating. It's good to know about though so I can learn how to deal with it. One way I don't want to deal with it is by being a nag about things. I cringe everytime one (or all) of the women around here start talking about their husbands like they're idiots. I don't want to be like that! I'm sure in some ways it's inevitable but I don't want to just assume he can't do things for himself or that I'll always have to handle things myself. I don't think it would really be like with him but I think we both have the tendency to be passive about some things and may help each other out in that area.

One thing about last night was seeing how much he truly loves being a youth pastor. He loves working with the kids and really wants to help them and be there for them. Last night after I got home he called me and talked to me about some of the different kids and what is going on with them and how he's trying to help. One thing that has been happening lately is a few of the boys just come over to play video games (that's what happened the Saturday I was there and ended up making tacos; they still talk about it). Oh my last week one of the guys said something like "if you two get married, you're going to start off with like 6 kids." I just laughed and thought "if only you knew how ironic that really was." I like getting to hang out with them from time to time. It's a bunch of guys. I haven't hung out with any of the girls really, that intimidates me a little more. I do get to help with a lock-in soon though! Eek!

So going back to what I was saying before, married women, I have a question (or two) for you. . . .in what ways does your husband step up that you really appreciate? And in what ways does his "guy-ness" come out that annoys you and how do you deal with it?