Thoughts, part 1

Fiddler starts tomorrow! We had a dress rehearsal last night and there's another one tonight. I think it'll go well although it just seemed like a mess last night. I hope tonight goes better. There are several things I have to move on and off stage and I kept forgetting. Oh well.

I got my dress finished and it turned out really good! I'll make sure to get a picture and I'll post it.



I have had so many things on my mind lately. Not any real problems or issues, just thoughts and general wonderings.

Lately it's been difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I am still in Kansas. I think back to a year ago and remember how I was convinced I was going to move back to Illinois at Thanksgiving. Even went as far as quitting my job. I think I just wanted an excuse to quit so I could go home for Thanksgiving. The thought of spending the holidays alone were too much to handle. But I stayed. And now it seems I will be sticking around for awhile. I will be here at least another year for work but most likely more to go to grad school. Ultimately I think I'll be ok with it, but I also know that it will take a long time before it feels even close to "home." It still feels so temporary. I don't know for sure what will happen with J. I don't know if I'll get into grad school. If you told me right now that neither of those things would work out, I'd start looking forward to next November when I could move, even if I was willing to wait that long. Lots of people can print letters and make up excel spreadsheets.

I still don't like that everytime I think about how I got to Kansas, I think of D. I probably always will. I know as time goes on, it will be less. I have a feeling I'll always wonder how the kids are. Of course, I think you always wonder about people who have been a part of your life. There are other people I wonder about as well.

But so much has happened over the last year and a half. Things that are good. I have J, I have friends here, I really like (and miss!) my Bible study group, I am going to join the choir at church, and although my job is incredibly boring at times, I love the people I work with. There's one lady that every once in awhile, we'll have a good conversation. Really there's potential all around me. I have the potential to have close relationships, be involved at church, and really have a life here. Sometimes, though, I think I still struggle with it being a life that isn't what I thought it would be. I've struggled with that for years and I know it's common. Sometimes I still wish I was traveling around singing or living in NYC, performing on Broadway. There have been times during the musical when I notice a kid or two that really has talent and a lot of potential and see how their parents are encouraging it, and it's frustrating because I didn't get the same encouragement. But I see ways to still do things I enjoy even if it's not on such a grand scale. The director of the musical is the choir director at church and he has encouraged me to join. There will be more of these little productions and who's to say I won't get a chance to sing and perform more often. We'll see.

Ok that's it for now. More thoughts later.