Apparently, my unwillingness to go to church wasn't just last week. . .I woke up thinking it was after 10 only to realize I had forgotten about the time change it was only after 9. I still didn't want to go. I am not sure why. It's weird especially since I had gotten to a point where I really wanted to go. Oh well. I didn't beat myself up over it. I tried to have a bit of quiet time. But all that ended up being was reading a little passage out of the Bible and saying a little prayer. It was all I could muster. I did have a nice relaxing day though.
I had rehearsal and I had thought that I'd try to go to the 5:30 service but I got done with practice at 3 and couldn't find something to waste 2 1/2 hours. I went to a couple of stores nearby but it was too tempting. I kept finding things I wanted but knew I couldn't buy them so I decided that it would be better for me to just go home. Then I just chilled; I watched what was left of the Patriots-Colts game (it was a good one, both teams were undefeated, now just the Patriots still are), cleaned up my apartment, ate some pizza, then remember that I have a dress to make!
I don't remember if I mentioned it but I am making my costume for Fiddler on the Roof. I got the bodice pieces put together and the collar on. I put on a musical while I was working and ended up working until almost midnight! I completely lost track of time.

Days like yesterday and not wanting to go to church always make me think about my whole spiritual life, my thoughts about church, and just faith in general. I got to thinking (again) about what it really means to have a relationship with Christ. I'm still not sure what it means exactly. Except that I think I know more now what it means to rely on him. I don't think I would've made it through this year without him. Well I guess I could've made it but I don't know if I would be in a good place. I find myself restless at times, wishing there were things I could do to live out my faith more. Not because it's what I'm supposed to do but because I just really want to. I feel like all I do is think of myself and it gets tiring!

What's church? Is it just a Sunday morning event? Or is it something more? I was reading the first couple chapters of Acts and found it interesting that the early believers just came together, broke bread (i.e. fellowship), and worshipped. Is that what we do on Sunday morning? Or Saturday night (As many churches are having services that night)? Sometimes it seems that there is such an emphasis on going to a church service as if that is the number one evidence of faith...but is it really? Or is it just one factor in the midst of several things that are evidence of faith? If a church is supposed to help people get connected into a community of believers, what happens when that doesn't happen? Am I asking this because its never happened to me? I've never felt like I truly belonged in any church community. I have found places that I like to go as far as the church service but I've never belonged. I've always felt like an outsider. Of course, growing up no church was "mine," it was just where dad was the pastor at the time. It didn't take long for me to figure out that the Illinois United Methodism that I was surrounded with (ok really just one group in particular) demanded me live up to a set of standards I couldn't live up to.
Am I using it all as an excuse?