Happy Halloween!!!

To hell with thinking Halloween is an evil holiday. It's FUN!

Happy Halloween!

Love, Marilyn

There is a song that my dad's southern gospel singing group always sang called "Excuses." It was all these "excuses" people used to explain not going to church. I think us kids always liked it because it was a little more fun than the other songs.
That song pops into my head sometimes when I don't go to church. Like this morning. My excuse? I went last night! ;-)
One one hand I think it's a little funny that I will remember that song but then it's also a bit annoying that there's still something in me that will always make myself feel bad about not going on Sunday morning. Even if I went the night before.
Anyway, I went last night with J's youth group. He brought them up for a service at one of the United Methodist churches, then dinner and bowling. It was fun. I rode go-karts! I think I've maybe done that like once before. And the best part? I beat J at bowling!!!! I haven't bowled in probably about 2 years. What's really funny is at one point I said something about beating him and he said "I've seen you kick a soccer ball, I doubt you can bowl very well." I got a strike the very first time. I was excited. All his youth group kids were cheering me on to beat him.

It was fun but a little weird. I am already still a little shy around him sometimes but when I'm around him and other people. . .I'm even more so. I think I know why. . .and guess who it has to do with? Yes, that's right. Grrr. I think I'm afraid that he has some expectation of what I'm supposed to be like and he'll somehow find something wrong. Grrr. I hate that I still think like that. I mean he's never given me any reason to think he has that messed up attitude.

I will try not to worry about it. And at some point I'll talk to him about it.

I'm a little bored with this blog thing. I don't have anything to write about. Nothing of importance.

Musical is going well. . .it's getting to be crunch time now. We perform in less than a month! I'm going to make my own costume. I'm excited. I am not excited, however, about the fact that I have rehearsal tomorrow night and will have to miss Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy.

I think I may give up once and for all on eating healthy.

I made tacos for 6 people on Saturday. I went to J's and 3 youth group kids (plus the foreign exchange student) randomly showed up. It was fun! We also watched The Sixth Sense and made cookies.

I have realized that I get defensive of pastors when I hear people saying negative things about them. This includes when J speaks negatively of his pastor (and I don't even know her!) and says that he could do a better job of running the church than she does (plus I just think he's being arrogant). I haven't figure out a nice way to tell them that though.

As much as I like doing the musical, I really miss going to Bible study.

Ok that's enough.

So happy...

To quote Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday, "So happpyyy."

Today I got a wonderful special surprise. J sent me flowers! They were waiting for me at my office when I got back from lunch!!! They're so pretty!!! I was so excited!!! I was so surprised!!!

We met 6 months ago.

I left a message on his voicemail to tell him thank you and that I would have a constant smile on my face for the rest of the day. Everytime I look at the flowers I smile like an idiot.

I've never gotten flowers from a guy before. . .I think that makes it even better!

Better Sunday

Well I am now stocked with blood-type friendly foods including soy milk creamer and dried cranberries. Unfortunately I also have hummus which I thought was ok only to look on my list of forbidden foods and find that the main ingredient (chickpeas) is on it. Bummer. So then I just bought some pita chips to eat with it until its gone. :-)

This Sunday hasn't been nearly as bad as last Sunday. I haven't done much today but it's not as much of a lonely day. I went to church this morning. It was an example of what the new Saturday night service is like. I liked it although I don't think I'd be able to do it all the time. It's more relaxed and experiential, which is cool, but there's not as much music which I'd miss. The sermon was about the kingdom of God and how it can show up in subtle ways in our everyday life. And how we can make it happen. God is always wooing us to him and we, in turn, can help show other people that. Yesterday, I saw wild turkeys. I don't think I've ever seen wild turkeys before. Today I saw a swan as I drove home from the grocery store. All afternoon it's been raining and now there's a full-blown thunderstorm going on. I forget to see these little things in creation that remind me of God.
And I wonder, how can be someone to show that to other people? I feel like I talk a lot but don't do anything. I get so wrapped up in my own life that I forget about all the other people around me. I'm not really sure how. In my worry about going to BF's church yesterday I missed the chance to do something for him. I stopped by Sonic to get something to drink and realized I never even thought of getting him anything even though he always gets me something.
The thing at his church was fun. I went and I'm glad I did. I like seeing him around his youth group kids; I think it's really great he's been around for as along as he has been. I really believe he's made a great impact on a lot of them.

Oh I'm so sad! He asked me if I had rehearsal on Tuesday because he wanted to come up and take me out. It's been 6 months! And guess what? I have rehearsal. It's the first time I've had it on a Tuesday. I'm so sad. It was funny, he was like "I just go by the first time we met, I don't really know what date to consider it official." Works for me. :-) I haven't dated anyone for 6 months before. Even the thing with D didn't last 6 months. Oh wow. . .I have been dating J (ok it's time to upgrade to his first initial) for longer than the whole time start to finish with D. That's so cool. Even though things have still been difficult here, it's been more than I could ever have thought.

One interesting thing: J is getting a foreign exchange student. The student had been living with a family but the couple is getting a divorce so they're moving him. I hope it works out well. I think it'll be neat; he's from Taiwan. I'm sure it'll be better for him.

Ok time to brave the rain (ok, enjoy walking in the rain) and go get my laundry.

Last night I finally fell asleep sometime after 12:30. I woke up to the sound of a garbage truck around 5 then was in and out of sleep until I got out of bed to get ready for work.
And just like every other day this week I'm tired. Very tired. And my head is hurting.

I've been thinking of some things I could do to help me sleep so I may start to give those a try (including your suggestions Jamillah).

I keep thinking about the good old diet and exercise stuff. . .I may try going back to avoiding red meat, getting soy milk, and sticking with fruits, veggies, and rice (i.e. blood type diet). I do remember having more energy and feeling better when I did it. So we'll see. . .can't hurt right?

But even trying to do something to address the physical stuff, what about the rest of me? Something seems to be affecting the rest of me but I don't know what it is.

Oh I would do anything right now to just go home and sleep.

what's wrong

Something is wrong but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's 11:30 and I've been trying to go to bed since 10. I've been tired all day but once it's actually time to sleep I can't. It's been like this all week.
I am still so alone here. Nothing seems right anymore. I feel all unsettled and uneasy. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel like I have a million thoughts running around in my head but as soon as I try to sort it out I freeze. As soon as I sit down to write I freeze.

I have read aloud some prayers that I have next to my bed. I have prayed my own prayers. They weren't much more than "just help me to sleep, I don't know what's wrong." I have listened to music to try to help me settle down. But it's not working.

BF's church is doing some big fundraiser on Saturday and I considered going but for some reason I think I should just stay home and try to figure out what's going on. But then I remember that Sunday is my day to do nothing and I always end up miserable, why do I want to add another day that I'm not doing anything?

I don't know what's wrong except that I feel lost, alone, and fearful because I don't know why.

EEK!

Something happened last night that I am still surprised about.

It was brief but it happened.

Holidays were mentioned in a conversation with BF. As in, how we would spend the holidays. I believe I will have 4 Christmases to figure out this year. Eek! How in the world did that happen?

I think I may kinda like it though ;-)

Right now the most logical thing is to go to Illinois for the weekend before Christmas, then spend Christmas Eve and Day in Kansas, especially since we'd both have to work the next day. I'll be bummed about missing my family's thing on Christmas day but it would be a lot to have to drive home on Christmas and go to work the next day. It'd be a long day.

But we'll see. . .nothing definite yet. But it was mentioned. :-)

Time to unwind

Today work was not good.

But as a way to relax and unwind, I find that there is nothing better than sitting and watching a good movie (tonight it's Pride and Prejudice) and a glass of wine. And a little knitting from time to time.

At the same time I am trying to figure out if I want to rearrange my apartment. I started to but now I'm thinking I don't like the idea. We'll see.

Back to relaxing.

Thank God for Monday

Who ever says, "thank God it's Monday?" I sure do. Yesterday was horrible. By the end of the day I was so miserable. And not for any reason. I sat around my apartment all day and watched TV. And while doing that, got myself into a funk. After BF got home, I was talking to him a little about my day but it was getting late so he had to go. I was mad. He knew it; I got offline real fast without saying goodbye. He sent me a text; I didn't get it until this morning. I apologized for getting upset. I didn't have any reason to be. It was almost 11 and the poor guy has to get up at 5 am.

The thing is, I know I have to make myself do more on Sunday. I have to keep myself occupied. When I don't, it's so easy to get myself into this funk that all I do is feel sorry for myself. This time around it was thinking about how in 3 months I will be 27 years old and feel like my life isn't much of anything. I know it's not true but it's hard not to think it. My life is still nothing like I thought it would be. Ok, I know that no one's life is what they really thought it would be. But you probably get what I mean. Even when you know you are completely normal thinking that you life is nothing like you thought, it still is difficult sometimes.

They hardest part with finding stuff to do is doing stuff that doesn't require money. What did I used to do when I got bored? I went shopping. I can't do that anymore. Even window shopping is impossible because all I think of is how I can't buy anything. And that's even more depressing! One thing I need to be better about is working on Christmas presents. There is knitting to be done, pictures to develop, and maybe even some painting to be done. I should do a painting for my brother. He'd like that.

I want to work on my apartment. I am going to get a new bookshelf to put my movies in, move my loveseat and old bookshelf. The loveseat will fit in my bedroom and then the old bookshelf can go where the loveseat was. So really there are lots of projects to work on, it's just getting the motivation to actually work on them.

I was better by the time I went to bed. God and I had a good talk. Then I felt better. I'm still glad it's Monday though.

sundays

I have come to the conclusion that Sunday is my least favorite day of the week. Once I get home from church, it's just a blah day.
Today I got home from church and fell asleep until after 2 pm. Then I realized that my computer didn't work. Which made me mad. It's working again now.
Sunday is my day to clean up my apartment especially when I know that BF will see it on Monday. Yes I admit, I clean mainly because I know he'll see it. It may not be as clean as usual tomorrow. Although I'm pretty proud of myself that all I really have to do is tidy up a little. That's how clean I've been keeping it.

Anyway, I just feel like I sit around and do nothing all day and it gets old. I tidy up and watch TV. Today I am hooked on the Travel channel. I've watched a show about where to find the best hot dogs, barbeque, & the most unique McDonald's. Next up? Something about the most fun food places. I saw a shot of Krispy Kreme.

Did you know that there is a McDonald's with a diner inside? It's in Indiana. And there's a McCafe in Montreal where you can get coffee and fancy desserts. The most unique? It's in Rome near the Spanish Steps. Somehow I don't think that I'd really want to go to a McDonald's if I ever get to go to Rome. Although they do serve gelato. Maybe I'd go for that.

Sundays are just lonely days. Oh well.

Pics from the weekend

Grandpa and Grandma's farm

Having fun. . .

BF started being mean and tickling me while my brother tried to take a picture. Or did I start tickling him? Hmm, I can't remember ;-)

Me and my little bro

Me and my big sis

Me and my niece Morgan

More tidbits

Here are some more tidbits from the weekend (the post before is the first one I wrote about the weekend):

1. BF is VERY detail oriented, which is good. He printed out directions, which I thought was a little funny since I knew where I was going but he was driving so it was ok. However, the directions were saying to go a different way that would've taken longer and I was a little irritated that he didn't seem to like the idea of me giving him directions. I finally told him that although I understand him wanting precise directions, that he just needed to chill and trust that I knew how to get to my own grandparents house :-) And I really tried hard not to get snippy. However, when we got to I-255 after him questioning whether or not it was really there, I couldn't help but say, "well look at that, it's 255!" in a slightly snippy tone. I think I did ok after that.

2. My brother isn't completely annoying anymore. I actually like hanging out with him.

3. My niece and nephew are wonderful and are growing up so fast! Mo is in 5th grade and loves playing her tuba. Jack is in 3rd grade and is a typical little boy. He still loves to color and draw but now he's hooked on video games and Star Wars. In fact we're going to coordinate who gets to get him what Star Wars movie for Christmas. He wants all of them, of course.

4. No matter how old I get, my mother will always make sure boys and girls are kept separate while sleeping in the same vicinity of one another. BF slept in the front of the camper Saturday night, while mom and I were in the back. For the occasion she made sure the two sliding doors that separated the front and back were shut (I didn't even know the camper had two sliding doors).

5. Despite that, BF and I still managed to sneak away and claim the hammock so we could stargaze for a little bit.

6. I still love Steak-N-Shake.

7. I had the realization that my grandparents are 81 and 79 and may not be around too much longer. I don't like that realization.

8. I will admit it fully. . .this weekend made me homesick for Illinois. I loved being back at grandma and grandpa's farm. I definitely miss being near my family. And probably wouldn't mind if I ever got the chance to move back. I would have to live near St. Louis though.

Down on the farm

The weekend was wonderful. BF and I got to my grandparents' farm around 11:30 on Friday night. I was up by 6 on Saturday (I was anxious to surprise grandma and grandpa and I wanted to see the sunrise). Aaron had let it slip to my sister that I was coming so the only people that were actually surprised were my grandparents (although they thought something was up because of overhearing Aaron and Tammy) and my aunt Gwen. She lives in the Dominican Republic and it was supposed to be a surprise that she was going to be there but it didn't work too well either! Our family can't keep secrets!

We don't do a whole lot except sit around the fire talking and of course eating at meal time. We had yummy biscuits and gravy for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch, and then our "feast" for dinner. That's when we eat the pig. I was happy to note that I wasn't the only one who wasn't happy about not roasting a pig this year. A few of us younger ones are already talking about doing more next year so it's more like the roasts we remember. A lot of them have their own kids now and want them to experience it like we did when we were the little kids.

BF had fun. He said he really felt comfortable with Tammy and Aaron (they liked him too). Mom talked to him more this time and, of course, Dad is difficult to figure out. I told him we'd been trying for a long time and we've learned to love him anyway.

It was so relaxing; we sat around the fire, walked around the farm a little bit, and played frisbee and kicked a soccer ball around. At one point I kicked the ball around with my little cousin, Kim. She's sweet; she's in 8th grade and I've figured out that although she has her ditzy moments, I think she's really smart. School is frustrating for her because it's too easy. She was saying something about being in scholastic bowl and being a nerd and I told her that nerds were the coolest, most interesting people! She is a bit ditzy though; apparently she missed the part about BF being my boyfriend, she thought he was just some unknown cousin. I laughed at her for awhile for that one!

BF and I can be a couple of dorks sometimes. Saturday night when we were getting ready to go to bed, we ended up dancing around to the ringtones on both of our phones. It was funny.

Ok time to go back to work. I have more to tell though so stay tuned!