I probably don't read as many as other people, but there are definitely a number of blogs I read regularly. One of them is by a woman who has cancer. One is by a woman who is a recovering addict. One is by a woman who at the age of 25 is a widow. And one is by a woman who after almost a whole lifetime of believing in God, is now an atheist. Besides the blogs of friends I read, those are the main four I always check.

Reading the one by the woman with cancer makes me feel awful for thinking my life is so awful. Reading the one by the young widow makes me feel awful that I was so upset by moving to a new place only to be dumped. Reading the one by the atheist makes me scared that even after a lifetime of believing there is a chance of not. And reading the one by the addict. . .gives me hope.

I've definitely been depressed lately. It's very frustrating because I always have this feeling of not having any reason to be. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my refridgerator. . .I am not lacking anything. On Friday I helped one of the guys in our Bible study help his sister with cleaning and laundry. It was one of the worst things I've seen. The house was a disaster. Holes in the walls, dried egg from when the kids threw eggs at the walls, dirty diapers just laying around. We ended up loading up the back of my truck with bags of clothes that were no longer wearable. Even then there were about 15 loads of laundry to do. And even though there is barely enough money to buy food for the 6 kids, there is enough to buy beer and cigarettes, a big-screen TV and have digital cable. I told the guy that I'd be willing to help out again. The biggest obstacle is going to be trying to teach their mother how to manage. No point in getting the place cleaned up only for it to become like it was before. I don't know if it'll work. I pray to God it does.

It made me scared of what life can do to people. I think what makes me even more scared is that I wonder sometimes if it's all worth it or if there's anything really to look forward to.

Yesterday I got to thinking that one of the things I'm scared of is never being happy here. I'm scared that I will end up staying and always regret it. And that I'll always wish I was somewhere or someone else. I pray that doesn't happen. Although I can feel it already happening.

Christmas is coming. I have my decorations up, lights outside but I'm not at all excited.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm so tired of being like this.