A few years ago I posted something on a message board about the things that made me happy. I've been thinking about that lately because it is sometimes difficult to remember to be happy about little things when there are times the only thing I can think about is being miserable here.
So what makes me happy (in no particular order)?
1) Turning up the stereo in the hotel vans (when no one is in the van with me) and singing at the top of my lungs to really good songs. The best ones are: Come Sail Away, Independence Day, Fly Away, Unwritten, Friends in Low Places, and more. . that's all I can think of right now. I haven't heard come sail away in a long time, maybe it'll come on the radio tonight.
2) thinking about baseball season. Seriously I"m so excited especially because I"m really hoping I'll get to watch some games since I have cable. Here's hoping!
3) having clothes that are too big on me (even if they do drive me nuts)
4) having enough money in my bank account to pay all my bills and not having to live paycheck to paycheck
5) seeing evidence that God is taking care of me and that I'm definitely going to be ok
6) My family and friends who will always be with me
7) The anticipation of spring and getting to see lilacs blooming (kansas better have lilacs, damn it)
8) rain
Ok that's all for now.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Food ideas
Ok it's official, I'm sick of my chicken fried rice stuff I make. I need something new to make for my lunch. And it needs to include chicken becuase I have 3 packages of it in the freezer.
Well at least I have a way to spend my afternoon while I'm bored at work, recipe hunting!
Woohoo I'm thrilled.
Well at least I have a way to spend my afternoon while I'm bored at work, recipe hunting!
Woohoo I'm thrilled.
Bible study was good.
It was different than usual. I can't remember the latin phrase for it but we did something called Divine Reading. The leader read a few verses from Romans 8 while we just sat and listened. Then he read it a few more times; each time we just opened our hearts and minds to what it was saying and meditated on a part of it that stood out to us. It was good. I've noticed so many times I've just sat and read something out of the Bible and then was like "what the heck?" It's hard to just sit and be still and figure out what it's really saying. It was good just being still and thinking about the words from "there is now no condemnation. . ." to "nothing can separate us from the love of Christ."
Plus it's just good to just be still and quiet. It was hard though. My mind was still wandering at times. And thinking about things I didn't want to think about. But then, at the same time I loved being able to concentrate on parts of the passage and really just think "I'm free. The price has been paid." Not only does God not condemn me, but man cannot condemn me. I cannot condemn me. How cool is that?
It was cool just focusing in on a few verses instead of looking at a whole chapter or more at a time. The chapters really break up the thought of everything especially the letters of the NT. And so often people are so obsessed with reading as much as possible in one sitting they miss it. I mean who cares if you read through the Bible in a year? Why rush through it if it's so important? Why even think you have to read a whole chapter everyday? Who made that "rule" anyway? The exercise last night made me think about how I'd rather read a little bit at a time and really figure it out (or try to anyway) instead of rushing through it. I want to really concentrate on it instead of reading just to read. I would rather it take a year to get through a chapter and really focus on it and get deeply into it than read through the whole Bible only to get done and think "ok what did I just read?"
And the fact that I'm sitting here actually wanting to read the Bible in and of itself is pretty much amazing. I still question a lot about it. And I don't necessarily read it everyday. I still get overwelmed by it. But I'm more open to it lately. And I don't worry about it if I don't understand it, or question it, or don't read for a few days. Why not question it? If it's the word of God it can stand up to the questions. Why not wonder what in the world was going on in Jesus' mind when he curses a fig tree? And what's up with the whole dropping down dead because of lying about how much money Ananinas and his wife get for their house? Where's all that loving forgiveness stuff? They didn't even get a chance to say "yeah, I lied ok, here's all the money." Interesting.
Take some time to just be still and quiet and rest. It's worth it. And probably even necessary. God doesn't want us going going all the time. He wants us to be able to just rest and be. Even if it's just for like five minutes.
It was different than usual. I can't remember the latin phrase for it but we did something called Divine Reading. The leader read a few verses from Romans 8 while we just sat and listened. Then he read it a few more times; each time we just opened our hearts and minds to what it was saying and meditated on a part of it that stood out to us. It was good. I've noticed so many times I've just sat and read something out of the Bible and then was like "what the heck?" It's hard to just sit and be still and figure out what it's really saying. It was good just being still and thinking about the words from "there is now no condemnation. . ." to "nothing can separate us from the love of Christ."
Plus it's just good to just be still and quiet. It was hard though. My mind was still wandering at times. And thinking about things I didn't want to think about. But then, at the same time I loved being able to concentrate on parts of the passage and really just think "I'm free. The price has been paid." Not only does God not condemn me, but man cannot condemn me. I cannot condemn me. How cool is that?
It was cool just focusing in on a few verses instead of looking at a whole chapter or more at a time. The chapters really break up the thought of everything especially the letters of the NT. And so often people are so obsessed with reading as much as possible in one sitting they miss it. I mean who cares if you read through the Bible in a year? Why rush through it if it's so important? Why even think you have to read a whole chapter everyday? Who made that "rule" anyway? The exercise last night made me think about how I'd rather read a little bit at a time and really figure it out (or try to anyway) instead of rushing through it. I want to really concentrate on it instead of reading just to read. I would rather it take a year to get through a chapter and really focus on it and get deeply into it than read through the whole Bible only to get done and think "ok what did I just read?"
And the fact that I'm sitting here actually wanting to read the Bible in and of itself is pretty much amazing. I still question a lot about it. And I don't necessarily read it everyday. I still get overwelmed by it. But I'm more open to it lately. And I don't worry about it if I don't understand it, or question it, or don't read for a few days. Why not question it? If it's the word of God it can stand up to the questions. Why not wonder what in the world was going on in Jesus' mind when he curses a fig tree? And what's up with the whole dropping down dead because of lying about how much money Ananinas and his wife get for their house? Where's all that loving forgiveness stuff? They didn't even get a chance to say "yeah, I lied ok, here's all the money." Interesting.
Take some time to just be still and quiet and rest. It's worth it. And probably even necessary. God doesn't want us going going all the time. He wants us to be able to just rest and be. Even if it's just for like five minutes.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Tithing
Tithing. . .a touchy subject for some. A lot of people have dismissed the idea as being a scam the church plans to get money out of people.
I've been thinking of it a lot. I sometimes see it as a way to really start putting my trust in God when it comes to my finances (which I think I have come a long way with that, even without tithing). I don't want to think of it as something I HAVE to do or something I am doing to get something out of God. I don't want to be sitting here expecting to get something from it. I feel like God has blessed me already with being able to pay my bills and now with the ability to work the amount of time I need to to make ends meet. And then some. But I have thought about tithing.
Except I don't think tithing means giving money only to a church. I had an idea of what (or who really) I wanted to give money to but the idea got shot down because of the belief that tithing means only giving to a church. I think it's important to give to a church (I have to, I think, considering my dad is a pastor and I've seen what happens when people don't give) but I don't think it's the only way to tithe. I think it's just as important to give to individuals and to other outreach programs as it is the church.
I especially think this because I know there are plenty of people out there without a church. Right now I don't really have a church. I have one I go to but I don't consider it my church. I think I'm more comfortable now with giving some money to it but I don't want to only give to the church.
Oh well I guess I"ll just keep thinking about it and maybe God will let me know what he wants me to do.
I've been thinking of it a lot. I sometimes see it as a way to really start putting my trust in God when it comes to my finances (which I think I have come a long way with that, even without tithing). I don't want to think of it as something I HAVE to do or something I am doing to get something out of God. I don't want to be sitting here expecting to get something from it. I feel like God has blessed me already with being able to pay my bills and now with the ability to work the amount of time I need to to make ends meet. And then some. But I have thought about tithing.
Except I don't think tithing means giving money only to a church. I had an idea of what (or who really) I wanted to give money to but the idea got shot down because of the belief that tithing means only giving to a church. I think it's important to give to a church (I have to, I think, considering my dad is a pastor and I've seen what happens when people don't give) but I don't think it's the only way to tithe. I think it's just as important to give to individuals and to other outreach programs as it is the church.
I especially think this because I know there are plenty of people out there without a church. Right now I don't really have a church. I have one I go to but I don't consider it my church. I think I'm more comfortable now with giving some money to it but I don't want to only give to the church.
Oh well I guess I"ll just keep thinking about it and maybe God will let me know what he wants me to do.
more stuff
Oh and I forgot to write about the exciting news: I paid off a credit card!!!!!!! Ok so the balance was only like $22 but still I paid it all off! That's how bad my money situation has been, I couldn't even pay anything but $5 or $10 on it every month. But now it's one less card to have to worry about every month. WOOHOO! AND depending on how much my tax return is I will probably be able to pay off another one in the next few months. Then I can concentrate on the ones with the larger balances. I am more and more confident that I'm going to be able to pay off these credit cards and be free of this debt crap someday. I can do it! And I want to! And I don't even want to use my credit cards. I am getting more and more to the point where I am comfortable with what I have, and don't want to get anything I can't afford. (well I do, really, I really want a camera but I know I won't buy one until I actually have the money). And with the two jobs I have the money for the things I need money for. It's exciting.
OH and guess what time of the year it is???!!!! SPRING TRAINING!!!! Which means soon, oh so very soon, the official baseball season will begin and more joy will return to my life. hehehehehe
I love baseball. I can't wait!!! I hope I get to go to a game at some point this year. Tickets are going to be harder to get this season probably, since the World Series win but man! I gotta go so I can wear my World Series Champions t-shirt!!!!!!
OH and guess what time of the year it is???!!!! SPRING TRAINING!!!! Which means soon, oh so very soon, the official baseball season will begin and more joy will return to my life. hehehehehe
I love baseball. I can't wait!!! I hope I get to go to a game at some point this year. Tickets are going to be harder to get this season probably, since the World Series win but man! I gotta go so I can wear my World Series Champions t-shirt!!!!!!
I was telling my mom this weekend that sometimes it's frustrating having all these thoughts and ideas and feelings running around in my mind and not being able to make them stop. Or get them out the way I want to. Even when talking to someone I can't seem to actually get out everything I want to get out. And I've been trying to make myself sit down and write but lately it hasn't worked.
This weekend was pretty busy as usual. I worked all weekend, of course. After Friday at the cable company, it made me wish I could work full-time at the hotel. I actually really like it, most of the time. Last night was horribly boring but oh well. I did get to see my cute pilot ;-) Except last night I looked at him and was like, dang he's YOUNG. Anyway, in a few days he'll be gone. But yeah, working here at the cable company is so easy it's tiring. It makes me realize how much I really love feeling like I'm doing something and keeping my mind active. When I just sit here doing basically nothing and can't actually help people beyond taking money it's frustrating. And it's frustrating when you try to explain that as nicely as possible and people still get mad at you.
Saturday night I watched the movie "Ray." It's really good. I love it. Except I couldn't just sit still and watch it. During every commercial break I was up trying to figure out something productive to do. Sometimes I can't just let myself rest. It's hard not to feel lonely at times. Sometimes I think I still miss him. But really I think I just miss the idea of him. Like the idea of having someone to talk to and hang out with. Oh well. It won't always be that way.
Anyway, I went to church yesterday. It was good. The whole sermon series has been about living out your faith and finding out your gifts and passions in order to serve other people. The pastor has talked about how once we are able to grasp our identity in Christ we are able to reach out and understand our call to serve other people. Saturday night I was talking with my mom and telling her about how I keep thinking more and more about wanting to be able to be the type of person who loves and cares about people that the church too often considers outcasts. I want to be able to hang out and love the kind of people Jesus did. . .the "sinners." The prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers. . .all those people that weren't considered in line for the love of God. I don't know exactly how but I really want to. I want to show gay people that all Christians aren't judgemental towards them. I want to reach out to homeless people and other people in need. I want to reach out to other Christians who are struggling, which yesterday I realized I may have a chance to do actually, we'll see. The sermon on Sunday made me think about how that's the kind of things I'm passionate about. And made me think about how I really do think God is somehow working in me. He's bringing joy back. He's reminding me that I am special and loved by him and I can be ME and be a follower of Christ. The pastor keeps referring to a verse in Zephaniah which says "he rejoices over you." God rejoices over me?! I still wonder how the heck it's possible but you know I am beleiving it more and more. It's pretty cool seeing how God seems to be changing me little by little.
Something I have learned about is how I really view church. I definitely think it's important. I would love to someday say that I have a church that allows me to feel at home and that I can grow. But I don't want it to be the only place I have a community. I don't want to get so attached to a certain church (i.e. local) that I forget about the Church (the WHOLE body of believers). I think people can get so into one church they forget about the rest. I don't want to get so involved in and attached to a particular church that I start thinking there is nothing else. I definitely think this is a result of the experiences I've had at the different churches I went to growing up. I learned not to put too much faith in a church.
I'll be working like mad this week. Bible study tonight (which I think I'm looking forward to we're studying Romans 8 so hopefully it'll be good). I'm working every other night this week, at the cable company and the hotel on Saturday and Sunday as usual. I'm going to be tired! But hopefully I'll get a lot of tips driving the van around.
I really hope Bible study is good tonight. This is the only free night I have I think I may be too disappointed if I feel like it's a waste. So hopefully it'll be good.
That's all for now.
This weekend was pretty busy as usual. I worked all weekend, of course. After Friday at the cable company, it made me wish I could work full-time at the hotel. I actually really like it, most of the time. Last night was horribly boring but oh well. I did get to see my cute pilot ;-) Except last night I looked at him and was like, dang he's YOUNG. Anyway, in a few days he'll be gone. But yeah, working here at the cable company is so easy it's tiring. It makes me realize how much I really love feeling like I'm doing something and keeping my mind active. When I just sit here doing basically nothing and can't actually help people beyond taking money it's frustrating. And it's frustrating when you try to explain that as nicely as possible and people still get mad at you.
Saturday night I watched the movie "Ray." It's really good. I love it. Except I couldn't just sit still and watch it. During every commercial break I was up trying to figure out something productive to do. Sometimes I can't just let myself rest. It's hard not to feel lonely at times. Sometimes I think I still miss him. But really I think I just miss the idea of him. Like the idea of having someone to talk to and hang out with. Oh well. It won't always be that way.
Anyway, I went to church yesterday. It was good. The whole sermon series has been about living out your faith and finding out your gifts and passions in order to serve other people. The pastor has talked about how once we are able to grasp our identity in Christ we are able to reach out and understand our call to serve other people. Saturday night I was talking with my mom and telling her about how I keep thinking more and more about wanting to be able to be the type of person who loves and cares about people that the church too often considers outcasts. I want to be able to hang out and love the kind of people Jesus did. . .the "sinners." The prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers. . .all those people that weren't considered in line for the love of God. I don't know exactly how but I really want to. I want to show gay people that all Christians aren't judgemental towards them. I want to reach out to homeless people and other people in need. I want to reach out to other Christians who are struggling, which yesterday I realized I may have a chance to do actually, we'll see. The sermon on Sunday made me think about how that's the kind of things I'm passionate about. And made me think about how I really do think God is somehow working in me. He's bringing joy back. He's reminding me that I am special and loved by him and I can be ME and be a follower of Christ. The pastor keeps referring to a verse in Zephaniah which says "he rejoices over you." God rejoices over me?! I still wonder how the heck it's possible but you know I am beleiving it more and more. It's pretty cool seeing how God seems to be changing me little by little.
Something I have learned about is how I really view church. I definitely think it's important. I would love to someday say that I have a church that allows me to feel at home and that I can grow. But I don't want it to be the only place I have a community. I don't want to get so attached to a certain church (i.e. local) that I forget about the Church (the WHOLE body of believers). I think people can get so into one church they forget about the rest. I don't want to get so involved in and attached to a particular church that I start thinking there is nothing else. I definitely think this is a result of the experiences I've had at the different churches I went to growing up. I learned not to put too much faith in a church.
I'll be working like mad this week. Bible study tonight (which I think I'm looking forward to we're studying Romans 8 so hopefully it'll be good). I'm working every other night this week, at the cable company and the hotel on Saturday and Sunday as usual. I'm going to be tired! But hopefully I'll get a lot of tips driving the van around.
I really hope Bible study is good tonight. This is the only free night I have I think I may be too disappointed if I feel like it's a waste. So hopefully it'll be good.
That's all for now.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
There was something on the news about making it a law that it would be a crime to leave a child in a car alone and that made me remember the little girl that died at the hospital when I worked there. I knew her mother was arrested because it turned out not only did she leave the child in the car but she beat her for about ten minutes before that.
So anyway I ran a search and found this: http://www.denverpost.com/search/ci_4453704
I don't think I'll ever forget that day.
So anyway I ran a search and found this: http://www.denverpost.com/search/ci_4453704
I don't think I'll ever forget that day.
Random rambling
I'm bored. So I decided to write some more. But let's see what to write?
I've been looking at apartments in Denver. I think I want to either live back around where I did before or live downtown. Downtown might be a little harder to pull off. But oh my gosh! There are so many great places. Capitol Hill, Washington Park. . .there are some AMAZING lofts downtown. I have decided I really like lofts.
But then living near where I did before means living near Belmar. . .Whole Foods. . .and I'd be closer to church...so we'll see.
One thing I was thinking about last night is how right now I have no idea what I want to do. I don't know what kind of job I want to try to do after I move from here. I have no idea if I want to go back to school, well I do want to go back but I'm really wondering what I want to do. Everything has just ended up so differently than I ever imagined and now I'm sitting here just totally questioning everything. I still want the family thing but I'm thinking that really it's not realistic to think that's going to happen anytime soon. In fact I think I'll probably be better off if I do wait quite a while. I guess. . .who knows. I really don't know right now. It doesn't matter. As much as I wish I could meet someone now I don't want to meet someone here.
When it's actually supposed to happen it'll happen, when I'm actually ready and it'll actually be real. Of course I still have a fear that I will have to go through all this again. That again, what I think is real won't be. . .that I'll get passed over again and made to feel like really I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like that again. Somehow I will not let it happen. I think now I'll be able to recognize better when things aren't quite right and definitely make myself stand up for myself better. Somehow. . .
Oh well I'm not going to worry about it.
I wonder if I'll see cute pilot guy tonight at work.
I've been looking at apartments in Denver. I think I want to either live back around where I did before or live downtown. Downtown might be a little harder to pull off. But oh my gosh! There are so many great places. Capitol Hill, Washington Park. . .there are some AMAZING lofts downtown. I have decided I really like lofts.
But then living near where I did before means living near Belmar. . .Whole Foods. . .and I'd be closer to church...so we'll see.
One thing I was thinking about last night is how right now I have no idea what I want to do. I don't know what kind of job I want to try to do after I move from here. I have no idea if I want to go back to school, well I do want to go back but I'm really wondering what I want to do. Everything has just ended up so differently than I ever imagined and now I'm sitting here just totally questioning everything. I still want the family thing but I'm thinking that really it's not realistic to think that's going to happen anytime soon. In fact I think I'll probably be better off if I do wait quite a while. I guess. . .who knows. I really don't know right now. It doesn't matter. As much as I wish I could meet someone now I don't want to meet someone here.
When it's actually supposed to happen it'll happen, when I'm actually ready and it'll actually be real. Of course I still have a fear that I will have to go through all this again. That again, what I think is real won't be. . .that I'll get passed over again and made to feel like really I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like that again. Somehow I will not let it happen. I think now I'll be able to recognize better when things aren't quite right and definitely make myself stand up for myself better. Somehow. . .
Oh well I'm not going to worry about it.
I wonder if I'll see cute pilot guy tonight at work.
What I've learned: my views on diet and exercise
I have a problem.
It's a good problem to have...it's just not a good time for the problem.
My clothes are too big. Ok not TOO big but bigger than I like them to be. My dress pants are all big on me and several sweaters and shirts are bigger. Now of course I love that these clothes are bigger but the problem is it's getting annoying wearing pants that are baggy. I hate baggy clothes. It's almost as bad as wearing clothes that are too tight.
Now the problem: I have no money to buy any new clothes. And I'm still not crazy about buying new clothes when I really hope that I can continue to get smaller. However, right now it's about the furthest thing from my mind so I may just have to go buy some fairly cheap clothes like at Target or something to hold me over. I've got too much other crap on my mind to worry too much about losing weight. I still try to a certain extent but it's not at the forefront of my mind right now. If I decide I want a dr. pepper, damn it, I'm drinking a dr. pepper.
Which leads me to think about one of the things I've learned from all this stuff in the last few months..what I want, what I don't want, etc.
What I've learned about myself (and other stuff that I thought before just reaffirming it):
1) I refuse to be obsessed with losing weight. It's not worth it just to lose weight. I want to be concerned with being healthy but not to the point that I won't eat ice cream (and other treats).
2) I want to love myself just as I am right now. I am far from being fat. I am absolutely beautiful just the way I am right now. And if another guy comes along, he's got to know that. He can't say he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am but at the same time elude to the fact that if I were smaller he'd like me even better. It doesn't work that way.
3) I will not let anyone make me feel badly (including myself) that I am not skinny. Or make me feel bad if there is a period of time when I decide I'd rather drink soda than water, or watch a movie rather than go for a walk or something. I'm working against a lifetime of a love of junk-food and a family history of being overweight. It's hard to change and I know it's not going to happen immediately.
4) If I actually do get married and have a family I want us to be balanced. I want us to be able to enjoy well-balanced, healthy, fresh meals along with not so healthy foods sometimes and still enjoy a few cookies, some ice cream and birthday cakes ;-) In other words I don't want to be a complete health nut. That's just not me. I will never be "granola." I will always think of chicken and pesto pizza as being absolutely wonderful, along with chocolate fudge brownie ice cream.
5) Also if I ever have a family, my kids will never hear me talk negatively about my body. And I think this is just as important for boys as it is girls. I will also never criticize my child's size. I will do what I can to make sure they are as healthy and active as possible. Given my family history there is definitely the possibility that my kids could struggle with their weight but I don't want them to think that makes them less than absolutely wonderful.
6) I don't like traditional exercising like videos and treadmills (although sometimes I can make myself do those things). Exercise in and of itself sucks. It's boring. I like exercising when it doesn't feel like exercising. Going on walks on a gorgeous day (snow included), hiking (well when I was somewhere with kick-ass hiking trails), rock-climbing, tennis, swimming, dancing. . .stuff like that. I also like doing these things with another person especially the climbing and tennis cause you need another person to do it with you.
And finally. . .the getting healthier and everything is something I will only do for MYSELF and no one else.
Ok so that is part one of the what I've learned series.
It's a good problem to have...it's just not a good time for the problem.
My clothes are too big. Ok not TOO big but bigger than I like them to be. My dress pants are all big on me and several sweaters and shirts are bigger. Now of course I love that these clothes are bigger but the problem is it's getting annoying wearing pants that are baggy. I hate baggy clothes. It's almost as bad as wearing clothes that are too tight.
Now the problem: I have no money to buy any new clothes. And I'm still not crazy about buying new clothes when I really hope that I can continue to get smaller. However, right now it's about the furthest thing from my mind so I may just have to go buy some fairly cheap clothes like at Target or something to hold me over. I've got too much other crap on my mind to worry too much about losing weight. I still try to a certain extent but it's not at the forefront of my mind right now. If I decide I want a dr. pepper, damn it, I'm drinking a dr. pepper.
Which leads me to think about one of the things I've learned from all this stuff in the last few months..what I want, what I don't want, etc.
What I've learned about myself (and other stuff that I thought before just reaffirming it):
1) I refuse to be obsessed with losing weight. It's not worth it just to lose weight. I want to be concerned with being healthy but not to the point that I won't eat ice cream (and other treats).
2) I want to love myself just as I am right now. I am far from being fat. I am absolutely beautiful just the way I am right now. And if another guy comes along, he's got to know that. He can't say he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am but at the same time elude to the fact that if I were smaller he'd like me even better. It doesn't work that way.
3) I will not let anyone make me feel badly (including myself) that I am not skinny. Or make me feel bad if there is a period of time when I decide I'd rather drink soda than water, or watch a movie rather than go for a walk or something. I'm working against a lifetime of a love of junk-food and a family history of being overweight. It's hard to change and I know it's not going to happen immediately.
4) If I actually do get married and have a family I want us to be balanced. I want us to be able to enjoy well-balanced, healthy, fresh meals along with not so healthy foods sometimes and still enjoy a few cookies, some ice cream and birthday cakes ;-) In other words I don't want to be a complete health nut. That's just not me. I will never be "granola." I will always think of chicken and pesto pizza as being absolutely wonderful, along with chocolate fudge brownie ice cream.
5) Also if I ever have a family, my kids will never hear me talk negatively about my body. And I think this is just as important for boys as it is girls. I will also never criticize my child's size. I will do what I can to make sure they are as healthy and active as possible. Given my family history there is definitely the possibility that my kids could struggle with their weight but I don't want them to think that makes them less than absolutely wonderful.
6) I don't like traditional exercising like videos and treadmills (although sometimes I can make myself do those things). Exercise in and of itself sucks. It's boring. I like exercising when it doesn't feel like exercising. Going on walks on a gorgeous day (snow included), hiking (well when I was somewhere with kick-ass hiking trails), rock-climbing, tennis, swimming, dancing. . .stuff like that. I also like doing these things with another person especially the climbing and tennis cause you need another person to do it with you.
And finally. . .the getting healthier and everything is something I will only do for MYSELF and no one else.
Ok so that is part one of the what I've learned series.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Romans 7
In the Bible study I've been going to we're studying Romans. Last night, it was Romans 7. I'm still not quite comfortable speaking up and asking the questions that pop up in my head but they are still swirling in my head so I figure I'll try to get them out.
It talks about the mind vs. the body. Like how the sin within our body goes against our mind and what we know to be "right." I can definitely see how that can be the case. How many times have I done something knowing it wasn't such a great idea? Lots, of course. But I wonder. . .when the translation says "mind" does it mean our actual intellectual mind? Or something a little different . . . like what we consider our conscience? Because even if my mind is telling myself no, my mind still makes the decision to do something. I wish I could give precise examples but they're a tad bit personal.
Then I start thinking about how the passage seems to separate our minds from our bodies a great deal and I wonder if that's really the case. Are they really that separate? Studying neurobiology gives me the knowledge that really. . .no they aren't that separate. My mind is literally what controls my body. The neurons in my brain send signals to the rest of my body. And there are physical responses for feelings and emotions, etc. For example, someone walks into the cable company and is yelling, complaining, and being threatening and my heart starts pounding and I start shaking as a result of my fear. (Or does the physical response signal to my mind that I am afraid?) Or again, I see or hear something that reminds me of something sad and tears begin to well up in my eyes. It reminds me of being in my neuro class and studying the different theories of emotions. There at one time was a theory that we feel emotions based on our physical response. Like the emotion of being sad. . .do we cry because we are sad? Or are we sad because we cry? That sounds a little crazy huh? Most people wouldn't buy the thought that "oh I'm crying, that must mean I'm sad about something." Most of us would say that we feel sad (something going on in our brain) and we cry (the physical evidence of the sadness) as a result.
Ok so what does that mean? Are our minds and bodies so separate as it seems to say in Romans 7? On one hand, yes I think that we end up doing things we know we shouldn't and the whole time our mind is saying "stop! no! don't! this is not a good idea!" but the rest of us is doing as we please. But I wonder when I read something like "So then, with my mind I am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh I am a slave to the law of sin (Romans 7:25, NRSV)" can you really separate the mind from the body considering the mind is what controls the body? I can't type what I"m typing right now without the neurons that are running from my brain and spinal cord to my fingers. Or without the neurons that control my intelligence and how I process information.
And consider the facts about how what we put into our physical bodies can affect our mind. And what about people whose minds are the problem? I found it interesting that as soon as we're done talking about all this last night (and I'm sitting here with these questions) that someone requests prayer for a friend's mom who has schizophrenia. What about people with these mental disorders or other cases when the mind doesn't function in a way we consider "normal?"
I read something else last night about the different sins of the "flesh." I don't remember where it is now. But it says something about anger. Now I've always struggled with my anger and in what ways it is sinful. I consider my anger something in my mind. The anger in my mind can manifest itself physically, like yelling, shaking, heart pounding, etc. It's hard for me to consider the physical manifestations as the anger itself. To me, the anger begins in my mind. What I do as a result can be what is sinful.
So what am I to do with a passage that says that the body is a slave to sin and the mind is a slave to the law of God? What am I to do with a passage that talks about being set free of a body of death (7:24) when it seems that the very thing I want to be set free from is my mind?
My mind that keeps remembering all the rejection I've experienced at different times in my life and that making me feel a certain way about myself, my mind that can't seem to believe who and what I really am (beloved and a child of God), my mind that seems to always hold me back.
So what is the conflict? A battle between my body and mind? Or a conflict between my mind and well. . .my mind?
It talks about the mind vs. the body. Like how the sin within our body goes against our mind and what we know to be "right." I can definitely see how that can be the case. How many times have I done something knowing it wasn't such a great idea? Lots, of course. But I wonder. . .when the translation says "mind" does it mean our actual intellectual mind? Or something a little different . . . like what we consider our conscience? Because even if my mind is telling myself no, my mind still makes the decision to do something. I wish I could give precise examples but they're a tad bit personal.
Then I start thinking about how the passage seems to separate our minds from our bodies a great deal and I wonder if that's really the case. Are they really that separate? Studying neurobiology gives me the knowledge that really. . .no they aren't that separate. My mind is literally what controls my body. The neurons in my brain send signals to the rest of my body. And there are physical responses for feelings and emotions, etc. For example, someone walks into the cable company and is yelling, complaining, and being threatening and my heart starts pounding and I start shaking as a result of my fear. (Or does the physical response signal to my mind that I am afraid?) Or again, I see or hear something that reminds me of something sad and tears begin to well up in my eyes. It reminds me of being in my neuro class and studying the different theories of emotions. There at one time was a theory that we feel emotions based on our physical response. Like the emotion of being sad. . .do we cry because we are sad? Or are we sad because we cry? That sounds a little crazy huh? Most people wouldn't buy the thought that "oh I'm crying, that must mean I'm sad about something." Most of us would say that we feel sad (something going on in our brain) and we cry (the physical evidence of the sadness) as a result.
Ok so what does that mean? Are our minds and bodies so separate as it seems to say in Romans 7? On one hand, yes I think that we end up doing things we know we shouldn't and the whole time our mind is saying "stop! no! don't! this is not a good idea!" but the rest of us is doing as we please. But I wonder when I read something like "So then, with my mind I am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh I am a slave to the law of sin (Romans 7:25, NRSV)" can you really separate the mind from the body considering the mind is what controls the body? I can't type what I"m typing right now without the neurons that are running from my brain and spinal cord to my fingers. Or without the neurons that control my intelligence and how I process information.
And consider the facts about how what we put into our physical bodies can affect our mind. And what about people whose minds are the problem? I found it interesting that as soon as we're done talking about all this last night (and I'm sitting here with these questions) that someone requests prayer for a friend's mom who has schizophrenia. What about people with these mental disorders or other cases when the mind doesn't function in a way we consider "normal?"
I read something else last night about the different sins of the "flesh." I don't remember where it is now. But it says something about anger. Now I've always struggled with my anger and in what ways it is sinful. I consider my anger something in my mind. The anger in my mind can manifest itself physically, like yelling, shaking, heart pounding, etc. It's hard for me to consider the physical manifestations as the anger itself. To me, the anger begins in my mind. What I do as a result can be what is sinful.
So what am I to do with a passage that says that the body is a slave to sin and the mind is a slave to the law of God? What am I to do with a passage that talks about being set free of a body of death (7:24) when it seems that the very thing I want to be set free from is my mind?
My mind that keeps remembering all the rejection I've experienced at different times in my life and that making me feel a certain way about myself, my mind that can't seem to believe who and what I really am (beloved and a child of God), my mind that seems to always hold me back.
So what is the conflict? A battle between my body and mind? Or a conflict between my mind and well. . .my mind?
Monday, February 19, 2007
I'm tired.
I've started writing something on here a couple times today. I don't know quite what I want to write.
Part of me wants to go off on a rant about how much I hate my life here and wish I could just go ahead and move.
Part of me wants to write about what I think of my life now and the things I've been thinking about it: what I want, what I don't want, what I've been thinking about my faith, etc.
Part of me wants to just keep it simple and talk about my long weekend that included a ten hour shift at the hotel and meeting an incredibly good-looking pilot from Chicago who actually knew of at least one of the towns I lived in and teased me about being a Cardinals fan (I'm guessing he's a Cubs fan, ick!). White Sox fan. . .ok I can handle that but Cubs. . . .not so much ;-) Too bad he's only around for a couple of weeks. At least he'll be fun to look out for those few weeks.
Anyway...I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like crap, tired of feeling like God doesn't care about me at all, tired of living in Wichita, tired of dreaming about a life that I feel like I'll never have, tired of feeling like I'm never going to change.
I'm just tired.
Part of me wants to go off on a rant about how much I hate my life here and wish I could just go ahead and move.
Part of me wants to write about what I think of my life now and the things I've been thinking about it: what I want, what I don't want, what I've been thinking about my faith, etc.
Part of me wants to just keep it simple and talk about my long weekend that included a ten hour shift at the hotel and meeting an incredibly good-looking pilot from Chicago who actually knew of at least one of the towns I lived in and teased me about being a Cardinals fan (I'm guessing he's a Cubs fan, ick!). White Sox fan. . .ok I can handle that but Cubs. . . .not so much ;-) Too bad he's only around for a couple of weeks. At least he'll be fun to look out for those few weeks.
Anyway...I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like crap, tired of feeling like God doesn't care about me at all, tired of living in Wichita, tired of dreaming about a life that I feel like I'll never have, tired of feeling like I'm never going to change.
I'm just tired.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Eye candy
So what does Jodie do when she sees a tall, gorgeous blue-eyed, spiky-blonde-haired guy sitting at Panera Bread with with a piece of music next to his tray indicating he's probably a musician of some sort? Talk to him? Smile at him? Make eye contact? Nope. . .just look the other way because the way I feel like I look today and given the fact that I feel like I could just fall over at any moment nothing remotely friendly and outgoing can escape from my mind. Never mind that the times I did kinda look at him he looked right back at me. Maybe I was just imagining it.
Too bad I saw him today and not yesterday...or the day before that....or Monday...there have been a handful of times the last few weeks that I think I would've at least gave him a little flirty smile. Just cause I could. Oh well.
But seriously, he had that kind of look I have come to realize that I like. Well-dressed but not too well-dressed. Nice jeans and a rock-n-roll type t-shirt. Looks like he could go right to playing the guitar or bass at a concert. Kinda reminded me of the guys in Colorado.
Oh well. At least I had some eye-candy during lunch.
Too bad I saw him today and not yesterday...or the day before that....or Monday...there have been a handful of times the last few weeks that I think I would've at least gave him a little flirty smile. Just cause I could. Oh well.
But seriously, he had that kind of look I have come to realize that I like. Well-dressed but not too well-dressed. Nice jeans and a rock-n-roll type t-shirt. Looks like he could go right to playing the guitar or bass at a concert. Kinda reminded me of the guys in Colorado.
Oh well. At least I had some eye-candy during lunch.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Home, part 2
Ok read the previous post before you read this one or it won't make any sense ;-)
After writing the previous post I got to thinking about my mom. And my dad too. I don't think I know how difficult the moving was for them. My dad didn't decide to go to seminary until he was 30. Until then they just lived in Hartford probably thinking that they'd end up staying near where both of them had grown up. Mom had known nothing but living in Bunker Hill until she got married. And then she was only 1/2 hour away.
And somehow they had to try to make a home for us all in every new place. I told my dad at one point before going to CO that I resented his profession because where it took us. How hard was that for him to hear? After moving to CO I remember finding out that my dad felt like he could do nothing to make me happy. Nothing he did was good enough. Whoa. I've never forgotten that.
My parents never really had any friends. They almost couldn't. You never could know when someone might turn on you. In the last few years they've found more people outside of their churches that have become a kind of supportive community for them which is good.
How did they do it? How did they make a home for us? I know at some point my dad was thinking about going to a different conference but didn't becuase he didn't want to uproot us so much.
It must have been so hard on them, especially mom. I don't think I've ever really thought about it before. It makes me have a bit more respect for them.
After writing the previous post I got to thinking about my mom. And my dad too. I don't think I know how difficult the moving was for them. My dad didn't decide to go to seminary until he was 30. Until then they just lived in Hartford probably thinking that they'd end up staying near where both of them had grown up. Mom had known nothing but living in Bunker Hill until she got married. And then she was only 1/2 hour away.
And somehow they had to try to make a home for us all in every new place. I told my dad at one point before going to CO that I resented his profession because where it took us. How hard was that for him to hear? After moving to CO I remember finding out that my dad felt like he could do nothing to make me happy. Nothing he did was good enough. Whoa. I've never forgotten that.
My parents never really had any friends. They almost couldn't. You never could know when someone might turn on you. In the last few years they've found more people outside of their churches that have become a kind of supportive community for them which is good.
How did they do it? How did they make a home for us? I know at some point my dad was thinking about going to a different conference but didn't becuase he didn't want to uproot us so much.
It must have been so hard on them, especially mom. I don't think I've ever really thought about it before. It makes me have a bit more respect for them.
Home
Val's latest post made me start thinking about the idea of "home." Her husband is in the military so they've moved a lot in the last few years.
I don't have a hometown. And to this day there is no place that feels like home to me at all. Of course, when you're younger it's easier to feel at "home" wherever you happen to live at the time. As an adult, it's definitely harder.
I was born in Frankfort, Kentucky right before my dad graduated from seminary. Then we moved to Eldorado, then Grafton, Belleville, Ashley, and for me, finally Crab Orchard. After that I went to school in Greenville, then moved to Hartford, then Denver, and now here. I don't really remember Eldorado. Grafton was fun. For the most part, it's the only place I have pleasant childhood memories: going to school in a boat, going to get a root beer float at the sometimes open ice cream shop, driving up the river road to get to church and to grandma's house, playing with Charlie and my other neighbor Mandy (and avoiding going to her house because of her huge-ass german shepherd). I remember going to high school football games and pretending I was a cheerleader.
Belleville was ok...we only lived there for 7 months. I remember liking going to a big church and a big school. Belleville got me hooked on reading The Baby-Sitters Club books. I also remember being called Pebbles because of how my mom did my hair and throwing a fit when people called me it (and I mean FIT, in the middle of Wednesday night dinner at church).
Living in Ashley started off ok. . .I remember Clint and him being madly in love with me in the 3rd grade. To this day, the Valentine's day card and gift he gave me is the best one I've ever gotten. I remember going to the little corner store and buying candy, walking and biking all over town, and going to Mt. Vernon and Centralia. After 5th and 6th grade living in Ashley was a nightmare. And now it's still just a source of bad memories. Living in Ashley shaped me in ways that I'm not so happy about. Ways that I feel like I am still trying to overcome.
I still remember the day we went to Crab Orchard for the first time. We met with the people at the church. It was a small town like every other...I figured I'd go to the 8th grade in a small school, then go to Marion for high school. A big high school that I'd be able to join the choir, be in musicals, do everything I had dreamed of since I was in 1st grade (totally serious, the first time I saw my sister's HS production of Guys & Dolls, I wanted to be in a musical). I'd go to football games and do all the normal high school things. Then we drove around and found the school and I saw something that scared me immediately: a driver's ed car. I remember thinking: "NO! It's not possible that this stupid little town has it's own high school." I was just sitting here trying to figure out a pleasant memory about high school. . .there really aren't a lot. . .nothing I can remember right now. Volleyball was fun.
Every other place I've lived, I've known that it's just temporary. For awhile I wanted Denver to be home. It never felt like it. When I moved here, I thought, "now maybe I'll be able to have a home, a real home." But now, I know again it's just temporary. In a few months I'll move again. I'm not sure where still. Like everywhere else, this is just home for now. And I'm not that concerned with making it any more "home" than I need to.
However, I realize more and more that I want to feel at home somewhere. I want to feel at least a little bit settled and know that the place I'm in is the one I'll be in for more than a few months or 2, 4, or even 5 years....oh well. I asked my sister when she finally started feeling at home in Vandalia. She said that it wasn't until she had lived there longer than any other place she'd lived before. I can definitely understand that. When I got here, I was made to feel like I was supposed to feel at home here immediately or within a few weeks. Not possible. I'm just now getting to the point where I feel like I can figure out how to get to more places than just Target, the bank, church and work. I feel a little more comfortable here but I still don't want to get too attached so it won't be too difficult to leave.
I wonder if I will ever feel like I fit anywhere. I didn't really fit in Colorado (although I think I'm more likely to go back there and try again). I didn't really fit anywhere in Illinois. I definitely don't fit here. Maybe I'm not supposed to fit anywhere. Maybe that's just how it's going to be for me.
Who knows.
I don't have a hometown. And to this day there is no place that feels like home to me at all. Of course, when you're younger it's easier to feel at "home" wherever you happen to live at the time. As an adult, it's definitely harder.
I was born in Frankfort, Kentucky right before my dad graduated from seminary. Then we moved to Eldorado, then Grafton, Belleville, Ashley, and for me, finally Crab Orchard. After that I went to school in Greenville, then moved to Hartford, then Denver, and now here. I don't really remember Eldorado. Grafton was fun. For the most part, it's the only place I have pleasant childhood memories: going to school in a boat, going to get a root beer float at the sometimes open ice cream shop, driving up the river road to get to church and to grandma's house, playing with Charlie and my other neighbor Mandy (and avoiding going to her house because of her huge-ass german shepherd). I remember going to high school football games and pretending I was a cheerleader.
Belleville was ok...we only lived there for 7 months. I remember liking going to a big church and a big school. Belleville got me hooked on reading The Baby-Sitters Club books. I also remember being called Pebbles because of how my mom did my hair and throwing a fit when people called me it (and I mean FIT, in the middle of Wednesday night dinner at church).
Living in Ashley started off ok. . .I remember Clint and him being madly in love with me in the 3rd grade. To this day, the Valentine's day card and gift he gave me is the best one I've ever gotten. I remember going to the little corner store and buying candy, walking and biking all over town, and going to Mt. Vernon and Centralia. After 5th and 6th grade living in Ashley was a nightmare. And now it's still just a source of bad memories. Living in Ashley shaped me in ways that I'm not so happy about. Ways that I feel like I am still trying to overcome.
I still remember the day we went to Crab Orchard for the first time. We met with the people at the church. It was a small town like every other...I figured I'd go to the 8th grade in a small school, then go to Marion for high school. A big high school that I'd be able to join the choir, be in musicals, do everything I had dreamed of since I was in 1st grade (totally serious, the first time I saw my sister's HS production of Guys & Dolls, I wanted to be in a musical). I'd go to football games and do all the normal high school things. Then we drove around and found the school and I saw something that scared me immediately: a driver's ed car. I remember thinking: "NO! It's not possible that this stupid little town has it's own high school." I was just sitting here trying to figure out a pleasant memory about high school. . .there really aren't a lot. . .nothing I can remember right now. Volleyball was fun.
Every other place I've lived, I've known that it's just temporary. For awhile I wanted Denver to be home. It never felt like it. When I moved here, I thought, "now maybe I'll be able to have a home, a real home." But now, I know again it's just temporary. In a few months I'll move again. I'm not sure where still. Like everywhere else, this is just home for now. And I'm not that concerned with making it any more "home" than I need to.
However, I realize more and more that I want to feel at home somewhere. I want to feel at least a little bit settled and know that the place I'm in is the one I'll be in for more than a few months or 2, 4, or even 5 years....oh well. I asked my sister when she finally started feeling at home in Vandalia. She said that it wasn't until she had lived there longer than any other place she'd lived before. I can definitely understand that. When I got here, I was made to feel like I was supposed to feel at home here immediately or within a few weeks. Not possible. I'm just now getting to the point where I feel like I can figure out how to get to more places than just Target, the bank, church and work. I feel a little more comfortable here but I still don't want to get too attached so it won't be too difficult to leave.
I wonder if I will ever feel like I fit anywhere. I didn't really fit in Colorado (although I think I'm more likely to go back there and try again). I didn't really fit anywhere in Illinois. I definitely don't fit here. Maybe I'm not supposed to fit anywhere. Maybe that's just how it's going to be for me.
Who knows.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I've decided
There is one place that I've wanted to go to for as long as I can remember: New York City.
I have decided that sometime this year I am going to go. I'm tired of only wishing I could go. So, even if I have to go by myself, I'm going. I am going to at least go see Rent. And then maybe another one or two shows or plays. I'm going to go shopping and eat a Gray's Papaya hotdog and go to a restaurant I've always heard of like Tavern on the Green or something.
That is one of my goals this year. By this time next year I will be able to say I have been to NYC. I may not be able to go until after the summer. But I'm going.
I have decided that sometime this year I am going to go. I'm tired of only wishing I could go. So, even if I have to go by myself, I'm going. I am going to at least go see Rent. And then maybe another one or two shows or plays. I'm going to go shopping and eat a Gray's Papaya hotdog and go to a restaurant I've always heard of like Tavern on the Green or something.
That is one of my goals this year. By this time next year I will be able to say I have been to NYC. I may not be able to go until after the summer. But I'm going.
Free day
I woke up and went to work yesterday only to find out that there were too many people here so I said "I'll go home, I really don't mind!" I was SO exhausted. So I treated myself to a me day. It was great.
First before I went home I got cable! Woohoo! Ok so I won't be home much to watch it but at least I'll be able to watch my shows. Or at least tape them and watch them later! I'm going to be paying for it strictly with tips I get at the hotel. I can have the money for it in a week easy just driving people to and from the airport. The last few days I've gotten nice tips from airline people when I drive them to Old Town (area downtown with a bunch of restaurants and hang-outs). Speaking of old town there is a place called Oeno I want to go to. It's a wine bar and it looks really nice. And not a loud, crowded place filled with 21-year-olds getting trashed. Just 30-year-olds getting trashed ;-) No, really, it seems like one of those great places you could go after work or on a Friday night and just have a good time with friends. Like a place you'd find in New York City.
Anyway, after getting cable I went to get my haircut. And I got a deep-conditioning treatment. It was great. I almost feel asleep. Then I treated myself to a movie. I saw Because I Said So. It was cute. I want to see Diane Keaton in one of her older movies. Like Annie Hall or something. Oh the guy in the movie! He's absolutely gorgeous. And I love his character in the movie. Oh and I want Mandy Moore's hair. Right now I just have a shorter, straighter version.
After the movie I went to Panera and had lunch. It was rainy and dreary all day and the perfect day for soup and a sandwich. Then I went home, did some cleaning, yelled at my vacuum cleaner, then went to Bible study. I don't think I got a chance to write about it last week. It's the second week I've been. It's not too bad. We're studying Romans. I ended up having a ton of questions after we got through it. I'm still not quite comfortable voicing my questions. Afterwards I hung out a bit mainly becuase my car was blocked in. But it was nice chatting with everyone. Before we got started everyone was talking about the movies that are up for Best Picture for the Oscars. So now I'm thinking it would be fun to have our own little film festival and watch the Departed (which I really want to see but haven't gotten around to it), Little Miss Sunshine, and a few others. And maybe something like Cars so we can lighten the mood a little. That would be fun.
I must admit I was sitting there for awhile wishing I was somewhere else. Yesterday after church and during Bible study, I just felt so weird. I don't know how to explain it. I felt like I was choking and I couldn't breathe. I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of something but not sure what. I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for my life to start but at the same time I'm thinking "this is my life. It's happening now." I'm not totally sure what to do with it right now.
I think right now I am just praying for some peace. And a little contentment. I don't want to be angry about my situation. I still hope that maybe something good will come out of all this.
Oh and I've decided that I really really really want to go rock-climbing. I haven't been since Living Springs. . .I read an article about it and it made me want to do it again. It's so much fun. And hard. And so rewarding when you make it up to the top!
First before I went home I got cable! Woohoo! Ok so I won't be home much to watch it but at least I'll be able to watch my shows. Or at least tape them and watch them later! I'm going to be paying for it strictly with tips I get at the hotel. I can have the money for it in a week easy just driving people to and from the airport. The last few days I've gotten nice tips from airline people when I drive them to Old Town (area downtown with a bunch of restaurants and hang-outs). Speaking of old town there is a place called Oeno I want to go to. It's a wine bar and it looks really nice. And not a loud, crowded place filled with 21-year-olds getting trashed. Just 30-year-olds getting trashed ;-) No, really, it seems like one of those great places you could go after work or on a Friday night and just have a good time with friends. Like a place you'd find in New York City.
Anyway, after getting cable I went to get my haircut. And I got a deep-conditioning treatment. It was great. I almost feel asleep. Then I treated myself to a movie. I saw Because I Said So. It was cute. I want to see Diane Keaton in one of her older movies. Like Annie Hall or something. Oh the guy in the movie! He's absolutely gorgeous. And I love his character in the movie. Oh and I want Mandy Moore's hair. Right now I just have a shorter, straighter version.
After the movie I went to Panera and had lunch. It was rainy and dreary all day and the perfect day for soup and a sandwich. Then I went home, did some cleaning, yelled at my vacuum cleaner, then went to Bible study. I don't think I got a chance to write about it last week. It's the second week I've been. It's not too bad. We're studying Romans. I ended up having a ton of questions after we got through it. I'm still not quite comfortable voicing my questions. Afterwards I hung out a bit mainly becuase my car was blocked in. But it was nice chatting with everyone. Before we got started everyone was talking about the movies that are up for Best Picture for the Oscars. So now I'm thinking it would be fun to have our own little film festival and watch the Departed (which I really want to see but haven't gotten around to it), Little Miss Sunshine, and a few others. And maybe something like Cars so we can lighten the mood a little. That would be fun.
I must admit I was sitting there for awhile wishing I was somewhere else. Yesterday after church and during Bible study, I just felt so weird. I don't know how to explain it. I felt like I was choking and I couldn't breathe. I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of something but not sure what. I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for my life to start but at the same time I'm thinking "this is my life. It's happening now." I'm not totally sure what to do with it right now.
I think right now I am just praying for some peace. And a little contentment. I don't want to be angry about my situation. I still hope that maybe something good will come out of all this.
Oh and I've decided that I really really really want to go rock-climbing. I haven't been since Living Springs. . .I read an article about it and it made me want to do it again. It's so much fun. And hard. And so rewarding when you make it up to the top!
Friday, February 09, 2007
Better
I feel better today. A lot better, in fact.
Every once in awhile (and hopefully more often) I catch glimpses of the fact that I will be ok. The real me just kinda shines through. Today I took a nice little walk to pick up my paycheck, ate at a little sandwich shop (it's a renovated old-fashioned soda shop, it's good), and then made myself some hot chocolate to warm up.
Eventually I hope that I'm able to not get so upset about things. But for now I know I just need to let myself feel how I feel.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Every once in awhile (and hopefully more often) I catch glimpses of the fact that I will be ok. The real me just kinda shines through. Today I took a nice little walk to pick up my paycheck, ate at a little sandwich shop (it's a renovated old-fashioned soda shop, it's good), and then made myself some hot chocolate to warm up.
Eventually I hope that I'm able to not get so upset about things. But for now I know I just need to let myself feel how I feel.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
So why do I always manage to end up falling for the controlling, manipulative jerks? I guess it's my fault. At least in part. But I'm fucking sick of it. Why did I believe him? Why did I believe him when he said he liked that he didn't have to change who he was with me? Why did I believe him when he said he wasn't interested in the other girl? Why did I actually pick up and move believing that he actually liked who I really was?
Why was he so concerned with making sure she knew about me? But it doesn't matter if I know about her. I tried telling myself it didn't mean anything that when he went to that swim party he talked to her and her sister more than he even looked at me.
Why did I let him make me feel like I really wasn't good enough? Why wasn't I more insistant that he had no right to criticize small details about who I was and what I did?
I was always so accepting of him. Of everything about him. I didn't hold it against him about his past relationships and what they entailed. I accepted him for who he was. Of course I didn't realize either who he really was until I moved here. I realize now that I couldn't be with someone who yelled so much at his kids. I couldn't be with someone who was critical about my faith and tried to rule over me. I couldn't be with someone who expected me to be so accepting and undertanding of him but he made so effort to do the same with me. I couldn't be with someone who acts one way one place and completely different another and expects me to do the same.
I realize that now. I admit I still wish I would've figured it out before I moved here. Or really that I paid more attention to the questions in my mind. I should've paid more attention to thinking it was odd that he was so concerned with her knowing about me. I even asked him about why he was so concerned. He didn't really give much of an answer.
Whatever. Five more months and I'll be out of here. I'll delete all the e-mails and conversations that I kept. I'll throw away everything that reminds me of him. And maybe someday I will find someone who is not a complete ass. I will not let anyone do this to me again.
Have I mentioned that I still feel incredibly stupid?
Why was he so concerned with making sure she knew about me? But it doesn't matter if I know about her. I tried telling myself it didn't mean anything that when he went to that swim party he talked to her and her sister more than he even looked at me.
Why did I let him make me feel like I really wasn't good enough? Why wasn't I more insistant that he had no right to criticize small details about who I was and what I did?
I was always so accepting of him. Of everything about him. I didn't hold it against him about his past relationships and what they entailed. I accepted him for who he was. Of course I didn't realize either who he really was until I moved here. I realize now that I couldn't be with someone who yelled so much at his kids. I couldn't be with someone who was critical about my faith and tried to rule over me. I couldn't be with someone who expected me to be so accepting and undertanding of him but he made so effort to do the same with me. I couldn't be with someone who acts one way one place and completely different another and expects me to do the same.
I realize that now. I admit I still wish I would've figured it out before I moved here. Or really that I paid more attention to the questions in my mind. I should've paid more attention to thinking it was odd that he was so concerned with her knowing about me. I even asked him about why he was so concerned. He didn't really give much of an answer.
Whatever. Five more months and I'll be out of here. I'll delete all the e-mails and conversations that I kept. I'll throw away everything that reminds me of him. And maybe someday I will find someone who is not a complete ass. I will not let anyone do this to me again.
Have I mentioned that I still feel incredibly stupid?
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Who needs clean clothes?
Not me. I also don't need new toothpaste. Which is good because I have no time to do laundry or get toothpaste. Now was it a couple weeks ago I was thinking of how much free time I had? Or am I just imagining that?
The 31 hours scheduled to work at the hotel has now turned into 35. I got called at 6 to see if I could come in. It's crazy busy and they didn't have enough people. It was going to be the only free night I had. It was fun though. I like it when it's busy and you're moving around all the time. I like feeling like I'm good at the hotel biz. And it's nice when the managers see you as someone who can do a good job and get things done and they appreciate you. And give you free food from the restaurant. Which may not be such a good thing because the only thing I like is the hamburgers and fries. But when it takes you like an hour and a half to eat it, I figure it's not that bad. I like work it off after every bite. Ok well maybe not really but oh well it sounds good.
ok i'm tired and I don't even know why I'm still awake writing this. I have to wake up early early early so maybe I can eat breakfast and make my dinner for tomorrow. Cause I have to work again. And the rest of the week. Which is good. I need the money and I like not sitting around my apartment.
I need some clean socks. Maybe I'll just go buy some. oh except I don't know when I'd do that either.
Maybe this is good preparation for med school & being a doctor. I'm learning how to work long days. Now I just need to figure out how to wind down and get good sleep and be able to wake up in the mornings. That's another problem I can't make myself get up in the morning. I set two alarms and even put one on the other side of the room but I still can't get up. I just turn it off and crawl back into bed! ok really now I need to sleep.
The 31 hours scheduled to work at the hotel has now turned into 35. I got called at 6 to see if I could come in. It's crazy busy and they didn't have enough people. It was going to be the only free night I had. It was fun though. I like it when it's busy and you're moving around all the time. I like feeling like I'm good at the hotel biz. And it's nice when the managers see you as someone who can do a good job and get things done and they appreciate you. And give you free food from the restaurant. Which may not be such a good thing because the only thing I like is the hamburgers and fries. But when it takes you like an hour and a half to eat it, I figure it's not that bad. I like work it off after every bite. Ok well maybe not really but oh well it sounds good.
ok i'm tired and I don't even know why I'm still awake writing this. I have to wake up early early early so maybe I can eat breakfast and make my dinner for tomorrow. Cause I have to work again. And the rest of the week. Which is good. I need the money and I like not sitting around my apartment.
I need some clean socks. Maybe I'll just go buy some. oh except I don't know when I'd do that either.
Maybe this is good preparation for med school & being a doctor. I'm learning how to work long days. Now I just need to figure out how to wind down and get good sleep and be able to wake up in the mornings. That's another problem I can't make myself get up in the morning. I set two alarms and even put one on the other side of the room but I still can't get up. I just turn it off and crawl back into bed! ok really now I need to sleep.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
I'm schedule to work 31 hours at the hotel this week. That'll be fun. And this week I'm determined to get up in the morning so I can eat breakfast. Lately I've just had an apple and it's not enough and I get hungry mid-morning and the only thing available to eat is junk food. Plus when I go to the hotel to work, dinner is pretty much non-existent. It will consist of an apple and string cheese. Which is why I have to wake up early enough to eat breakfast because the apple has to be saved for dinner. At least lunch is all figured out. I've got it down so that I make enough chicken and rice for the whole week.
I already feel better. I don't feel like I'm sitting around doing nothing. And now I'll be able to pay all my bills and feel like I'm getting a handle on everything.
At church, the pastor has been doing a sermon series called "Grace Works: Living Beyond Myself" and he set up a pyramid like that hierarchy of needs and the first step on the pyramid is "identity." He asked the question, "Can you accept the fact that God accepts you?" And I wonder, can I really? Last year I thought I was getting to the point where I could. Then after everything from June until now has made me question all of it completely. And as usual I know in my head I am loved and cherished by God. I know that he rejoices over me. But the rest of me has trouble really believing it. How can he continue to rejoice over me when I just seem to always mess everything up? I never seem to get anything right. How can he love someone who constantly says she wants to trust him but never manages to figure out how?
I already feel better. I don't feel like I'm sitting around doing nothing. And now I'll be able to pay all my bills and feel like I'm getting a handle on everything.
At church, the pastor has been doing a sermon series called "Grace Works: Living Beyond Myself" and he set up a pyramid like that hierarchy of needs and the first step on the pyramid is "identity." He asked the question, "Can you accept the fact that God accepts you?" And I wonder, can I really? Last year I thought I was getting to the point where I could. Then after everything from June until now has made me question all of it completely. And as usual I know in my head I am loved and cherished by God. I know that he rejoices over me. But the rest of me has trouble really believing it. How can he continue to rejoice over me when I just seem to always mess everything up? I never seem to get anything right. How can he love someone who constantly says she wants to trust him but never manages to figure out how?
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Well!
Well!
I'm tired. Today was a long day and tomorrow probably will be crazy too. And then I get to work this weekend. Which is good. I've enjoyed the nights I've worked so far. It's good to be back.
We have a nice new blanket of snow here. It's pretty except I just hate driving in it. I slid a little this morning and then all I could picture was me spinning in the middle of the road and eventually either running into the holiday inn, blockbuster, or another car. I managed to make it ok though.
So cool thing of the week: I was reconnected with the guy that was pretty much my best friend when I was like 5. Before that really. He was my next door neighbor in Grafton, I don't really remember not being friends with him. Me, him, and Aaron made quite a team always getting into some kind of trouble. One thing I remember very clearly was us hacking into the gigantic tree in our front yard and basically killing it. We pulled off the bark and just kept going. And when there was a flood, we fished from our front yard. We'd run up and down our driveway with dollies (you know like to move furniture) and bikes pretending we were driving cars and trucks. Charlie always pretended we was driving a big-rig. Anyway, he managed to find me on myspace so we've been reminiscing. It's fun. He's in the army and is in Iraq now.
It's fun remembering that part of my childhood. . .it was all fun and pleasant pretty much. Sure we'd do something, get in trouble and then we'd pick right back up where we left off after the punishment ended but overall it was great.
When I lived in Hartford, I'd drive up through Alton, up the river road, and through Grafton often when I wanted to get away and remember a place that was always happy. It's changed a lot. Our old house isn't there. It was destroyed in the flood of 93. They built a new grade school recently. I don't have a hometown at all. And if I was a native or long-time resident of Grafton I probably would've grown to dislike it, as I end up disliking most small towns, but it was a pleasant place to be when was 4, 5, 6 and 7 (for awhile).
I'm tired. Today was a long day and tomorrow probably will be crazy too. And then I get to work this weekend. Which is good. I've enjoyed the nights I've worked so far. It's good to be back.
We have a nice new blanket of snow here. It's pretty except I just hate driving in it. I slid a little this morning and then all I could picture was me spinning in the middle of the road and eventually either running into the holiday inn, blockbuster, or another car. I managed to make it ok though.
So cool thing of the week: I was reconnected with the guy that was pretty much my best friend when I was like 5. Before that really. He was my next door neighbor in Grafton, I don't really remember not being friends with him. Me, him, and Aaron made quite a team always getting into some kind of trouble. One thing I remember very clearly was us hacking into the gigantic tree in our front yard and basically killing it. We pulled off the bark and just kept going. And when there was a flood, we fished from our front yard. We'd run up and down our driveway with dollies (you know like to move furniture) and bikes pretending we were driving cars and trucks. Charlie always pretended we was driving a big-rig. Anyway, he managed to find me on myspace so we've been reminiscing. It's fun. He's in the army and is in Iraq now.
It's fun remembering that part of my childhood. . .it was all fun and pleasant pretty much. Sure we'd do something, get in trouble and then we'd pick right back up where we left off after the punishment ended but overall it was great.
When I lived in Hartford, I'd drive up through Alton, up the river road, and through Grafton often when I wanted to get away and remember a place that was always happy. It's changed a lot. Our old house isn't there. It was destroyed in the flood of 93. They built a new grade school recently. I don't have a hometown at all. And if I was a native or long-time resident of Grafton I probably would've grown to dislike it, as I end up disliking most small towns, but it was a pleasant place to be when was 4, 5, 6 and 7 (for awhile).
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