It is finished

Well the fall 2004 semester is finished. There is no more to do. I had my last final this morning. I think I did ok on it. I got everything turned in even though a lot of it was not done as well as it should've been. I'm so glad it's over.
I fly to IL tomorrow. It's going to be interesting being at my parents' for 3 weeks. I'm going to be visiting people off and on. I get to go to steak n shake! In fact, I get to go to steak and shake in like less than 12 hours! Woohoo!
It's going to be an interesting Christmas break. I am bringing books home to read. I'm determined to read "The Two Towers" and "The Return of the King." I finished Fellowship last Christmas but never got around to reading the other two.
I want this break to be relaxing and . . . relaxing. Even though I know there are going to be parts that are stressful. But that can't be helped. Maybe the stressful parts will end up being something halfway decent. We'll see.

Well have a merry christmas!

Well. . .

I'm flying home for Christmas. Found a cheap plane ticket (cheap enough anyway). Still disappointed though. I was really looking forward to driving with him. Oh well.
However, I did talk to him about him just springing this on us (my roommate and I). I never confront people when I am upset with them. I told him he should be honored. :)
So now I can't be mad at him. He's still adorable. GRRR. He was so nice about it.

And today, besides going to Applebee's and having a steak and a perfect margarita, was very frustrating. I got to makeup a quiz I missed and I failed it. I took my bio final this morning. Maybe. . .just maybe pulled off a B; completely and utterly failed my anatomy final. Didn't know about 3/4 of the stuff on it. Basically because I just gave up on studying. I couldn't concentrate at all yesterday and I've been staying up super late and will be tonight as well. I can't wait until this week is over. Then I'll get to go spend 3 weeks at my parents. . . .yay. Looking forward to that. . . ugh.

Stupid Idiot

Well normally I'm not into "signs." You know like in the movie Serendipity? Know how I was supposed to ride home with one of my roommates and the guy that I like? Yeah well he's a punk and he backed out and now our plans for getting home for Christmas are all up in the air.
So now I'm taking this as a sign that I shouldn't like him. Because he's obviously an asshole and now the fact that I was going to get to ride with him and talk to him so I could get to know him better is destroyed, what's the point?
I mean it's less than a week before we leave and he never said anything. I happened to be at his apartment and saw that he was looking at airline info online and then later we went to talk to him and found out that he's bailing. I seriously wonder if he was going to even say anything.
Stupid Idiot

Today

Well today I am feeling a little better. I actually feel like I can sit down and get my schoolwork completed and study for my finals. I have until midnight to finish and e-mail a couple of assignments. Then tomorrow (since I no longer have a job) I can work on my paper and another assignment. It's going to be a long weekend. I hope it goes well. I can't handle another crappy one.
Only one more week of the semester! In one week I will be cleaning and finishing packing. I can't wait.
I just really want this week to go well. I don't know if I can handle another one like this week. Even if I could handle it, I don't want to. I want to be able to study and do well on my finals. I need to.
Anyway so hopefully this weekend will go better than last weekend and this week.

Shit part 2

You know I don't know why I bother wanting to hang out with people or looking forward to hanging out with people. Apparently there is something about me that makes people cringe and even though I've hung out with them before they feel I am not worthy any longer or something.
I've always had this problem. I'm always the one left out and the one that doesn't get invited to anything. And right now my first response is F#%& it I don't need them. I don't need anyone. At the rate I'm going now I might as well just look forward to being alone all my life. I always have been. I've survived. What the hell? Obviously there is something about me that makes people run the other way.
But the thing is I don't think I'm that bad. Sure I'm quiet but once I get to know people I'm outgoing and fun. I love making friends and finding out everything about them. I want them to know me and know that when it comes down to it I can be a good friend.
But you know, who gives a shit at this point. I've made it 23 years alone, I can make it another 23 and another 23 after that.
I can't help but wonder where God is in all of this. I don't know what to think of God or even how to go about finding out anything. I can't right now. I really don't know what to do with a god that apparently likes to see me suffer. A god who doesn't seem to give a shit about me. Seriously, why do I even bother?
I hate feeling like this. It sucks. But it looks like I may as well get used to it.

Shit

If you're offended by the title of this post then you shouldn't be reading it. I feel like shit right now so get over my choice of words. It's the only way to express myself at this point.
And for those of you who don't mind the title, thank you for being understanding and sympathic and not a pharisee.
So yeah I feel like shit right now. The last week has been super super super super crappy. I have no motivation to do anything and I am way far behind in my classes. I haven't gone to class in a week. I'll be lucky if I make it tomorrow. I have a shitload of homework to finish and I just can't make my do it. I am just so frustrated with everything right now.
I'm frustrated with my parents, school, people in general, my stupid job, and just everything!
I haven't been this depressed in awhile. I really don't know what's wrong with me.
The only thing I'm looking forward to my ride home for Christmas. But even then, I just keep thinking it'll end up sucking.
I know I'll be ok and won't do anything too stupid but I'm ready for this funk to be over.
Ok that's about it about the shit. If you know me well enough you already know the details. And to those, thanks for being there for me.

No Title

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have no motivation whatsoever to do any of my school work. I only have a week left before finals and I don't know how I'm going to make it.
I got just a little drunk last night. I feel bad but I pretty much thought in the back of my mind that I wanted to. I don't think it was an accident. I know that next time I drink I will definitely be more careful. I was at a bowling alley with some people from school. I think I can ask them to keep me accountable. I don't have a problem with drinking occassionally and moderately but I don't like drinking enough that I get drunk and can't walk straight. I don't like it at all.
I keep thinking about someone. That's why I started going bowling because the guy I am interested in goes. And thanks to him I'm starting to acquire a taste for beer (or maybe it's the fact they're only $1). He's really nice and funny. And then there are all the little features about him that I notice. Like his smile, his eyes, his nose, his hands, and even his feet. I saw him barefoot today and found out that he has nice feet. I like feet. So I'm glad they aren't ugly.
I really want to just get to know him. I don't want to be all flirty and annoying, I just want to talk to him and take it slow. I keep telling myself that if I get to know him and he gets to know me and he's not interested then it's ok, it's his loss. ;-)
I may not be all girly around him but whoa! when I get around my friends I'm like "oh. . .I really want to get to know him" and "I really like his hands and feet and his smile, etc." Total girl! oh well.
So we'll see. It looks like him, one of my roommates, and I are going to ride home for Christmas. I'm excited. That will give me the chance to talk to him more. :)
ok that's it.
I really should do my homework. I have a paper that was due on Monday that I still haven't finished. And I didn't go to class today or yesterday. I just want this semester to be over!

From Colorado to Illinois and back

Well I'm back. I drove to Illinois on Monday and back on Saturday. I had a really good trip. I got to take my neice and nephew to see The Polar Express! It was so cute. And they now have a 19 month old golden lab. That was interesting. She's a sweet dog just likes to jump on people occassionally and be apart of everything. Thanksgiving was fun. We just ate and then sat around and visited, like we usually do. It was great.
I absolutely love my sister. She's wonderful. After she got married and I went to college we became a lot closer. She's so much older than me that when we were growing up we didn't get along. Which made sense, she was in high school when I was in grade school. I always looked up to her though. I always wanted to be just like her. And now is no exception. She's happy where she is, she has 2 wonderful children, and a great husband. Over the last few years she's taken care of me and is now one of my best friends. Being away from her is one of the hardest things about being in Colorado. And I love her kids. . .I can't imagine how I'm going to feel about my own children when I love my neice & nephew so much. My nephew is in kindgergarten and he's a total boy. And my neice is total girl. She loves to read and dance and play with Barbies. I find that I'm very protective of her. I never want anyone to hurt her, although I know that will happen. She reminds me of me when I was her age. She is always reading and mostly quiet. But when she gets excited about something, she gets super excited. And a huge smile comes upon her face. I always want her to know that she's beautiful and wonderful. If I feel this way about my neice . .wow! If I ever have a daughter, it's going to be nuts! I was thinking the other day about whether or not that's the way Jesus feels about me. Never wanting anything bad to happen to me but knowing it will and being there when it does. Does he take that joy in me?
Last night I realized that I definitely don't want to make that trip from here to Illinois and back again for Christmas. Hopefully I'll be able to hitch a ride with someone. Getting to IL was no problem, the time seemed to fly by but then coming back once it got dark it sucked. And when I got back into CO it was snowing a little and I immediately tensed up. So for the last 3 hours or so I was scared to death I'd hit a patch of ice and going flying. My truck doesn't handle snow and ice well at all. But I got home fine, thank goodness.
Thanksgiving was good. I do have a lot of things to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving

I'm going home for Thanksgiving! I am sooo excited! I decided at about 3 o'clock this afternoon. I've really missed my family the last few months and even though I'm going home for Christmas too, I want to see them now too! I'll get to see St. Louis, and eat at Steak 'N' Shake! I'll get to see my neice and nephew, my sister & her husband, my brother, my parents, my grandparents and just everybody! I'm going to make an apple pie and eat turkey and mashed potatoes and have an absolutely wonderful time eating my mother's homemade yeast rolls!!! I'm leaving leaving early tomorrow morning as soon as I cash my check and run by Starbucks. :)
I was so depressed at the idea that I was just going to sit here all week by myself and do homework. It was just so sad to even think about. I have snacks for the road, all the necessary equipment to hook up my iPod to my stereo, and all my homework I have to finish! woohoo! Good old flat, dreary, cold Illinois here I come!!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!

Crazy week

This has been a crazy week. I was sick most of the time and depressed the rest of it. I didn't go to work and slept all afternoon and then ended up staying up late. Crazy.
I got to hang out with someone a couple of times this week. He flew home to Illinois for Thanksgiving. I think I'm going to ask him about riding home with him for Christmas.
I hate that I don't get to go home for Thanksgiving. I am going to work a couple of days and then go to my roommate's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I also have a ton of homework to do,
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've felt so crappy the last few days.
Then I found out bad news.
Today has sucked. I went to work a little after 9 but no one was there so then I was going to go shopping but then I got a call from someone saying there were people at the office so I felt bad because I hadn't been there all week so I went. I hated it. I only stayed for like 3 hours. Then I came home and watched the rest of Con Air on TV and then Breakfast at Tiffany's. I love that movie. It's depressing and bittersweet.
AHHHHHHH
There are times when I just hate my life. And today is one of them.
Ok sorry for my depressing post.

Randomness from today

So all weekend I couldn't make myself do anything. I watched too many movies and thought about too much.
So then I went to bed and kept waking up thinking I really should get up and study and get my homework finished, yeah right.
So I took my bio test. . .I didn't fail but I still didn't do very well. I got a B on my chem test. Not bad I suppose. I think I'll come out of that class with a B or A-.
Tonight I went to chipotle with my roommates (and a couple of other girls) including this girl who has a crush on the same guy I now like. At one point my roommate and I were laughing about something about him and everyone was like "tell me! tell me!" And I was like NO I can't. . .talk about awkward.
I saw him today; I couldn't really talk to him but I told him about my chem test. I'm going to ask him about his weekend when I see him in chapel tomorrow. I hope he's there. I am so intent on NOT being stupid and girly around him. I want to just be myself. And I think I'm pretty damn cool. :)

It's been so long since I've had a relationship. It's kinda scary to think about it. I know I haven't always treated guys very well but it seems like I got hurt a lot. Guys that I thought were something special were just jerks and used me. I mean I've kissed more guys than I've actually dated. Even though I would be thinking "I shouldn't be doing this" I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. And I liked it most of the time anyway. Kissing is fun. But it also got to the point where it didn't mean anything. I was just giving myself to these guys and losing a part of myself everytime. And I think I'm still paying for it. I mean there's still a part of me that craves that physical aspect that I'm afraid I'll mess up again. For 3 years or so now, I've said that when it does come time for me to be in a relationship, I don't want to kiss until I'm engaged. I don't want the physical stuff to be the main focus. I mean I want to hold hands and have a guy put his arm around me but I don't to be hanging all over him and making out every two seconds. But what if I can't handle it? What if my mistakes from the past creep up and take hold? I know I've been forgiven for my past but what if I can't live up to the standards I've set? I have never had a chance to carry those standards out. There has been NO ONE for 3 years.
I don't know if there's any chance of anything happening with this guy but I'd like to get to know him. And if there is the chance then I want to stand up for myself. I have to. I don't want to feel guilty about all the stuff like I have been for the past 10 years. I want to know what a real godly relationship can be with a man. I look around at all my friends who are married and I'm like "what's wrong with me? When will it be my turn?" I know I shouldn't plan for it or plan my life around it and I don't want to but at the same time I want to get married. When I think about what I really want to do, it's get married and have a family.
Ok that's enough for now. Just some randomness. . .

Crushes

I started writing something but then I quit.

I think I have a crush.

But I don't know. It's doesn't matter . .. if anything I'll just hang out with him when I have the chance and if notices that I am wonderful, pleasant, and he would be the luckiest man on earth to have me then he'll have the guts to tell me. :)

I'm such a sap. A girly, silly sap.

it's so big

Yesterday in chapel we heard a former Muslim from Kuwait speak. He was a POW during the Gulf War and suffered in an Iraqi prison. While there he met a Christian and miraculously got out of the prison and ended up in the US searching for God. He became a Christian. It was interesting to hear.
Then we took some time to pray for the persecuted church around the world, like in Romania, Thailand, and Sudan. In Romania, many children live in orphanages where they suffer from abuse. In Thailand women are forced into prostitution. Prostitution accounts for a huge chunk of of their GDP. It's really sad. Women are kidnapped and sold by their families! In Sudan, AIDS is everywhere and many Christians get persecuted by the Muslims. The whole time I was just thinking how in the world am I supposed to pray for these people? The problems and situations are so big and I'm so small. . .I don't know how to pray for the problems. The stuff in Romania and Thailand mostly has to do with the government and the economic situation. And do I have the right to pray that the Christians in Sudan will not suffer persecution? When I read the Bible it seems that as a Christian I am to expect persecution. I don't know what it's really like. The most persecution I've been through is getting teased in middle school about being a Christian. I haven't had my life threatened because of it. If anything Christians in the US have been the ones persecuting non-Christians. Christians persecute women who get abortions, gays and lesbians, drug addicts and anyone who is not an upstanding Christian citizen. What kind of love is that? Would Jesus really be condemning the woman who because of sexual abuse by a man hates men and goes to a woman for satisfaction? He wouldn't. If anything he's condemning the Christian pharisees (me included) who act like by judging and condemning they are carrying on God's work. It's bullshit. I've realized I have no right to judge anyone. I've gone to find satisfaction in a lot of things instead of God, I've given myself to guys just to feel loved. What's the difference? Isn't it all the same in God's eyes?
Is being a Christian always about setting a perfect example and staying away from what people consider "bad?" What if it's about loving Jesus and being honest even when honesty means saying that we're not sure what we believe? What if it's loving people even when they hurt us and when they do things we wish they hadn't? I'm not perfect and I can't pretend to be. I want to know God and right now writing things like this and talking with my friends is one of the ways I'm searching. Even through my search, somehow I still believe that I can't give up on believing in God and for some reason he's still there holding me, loving me, and molding me.

oh the agony . . .

. . .of having to wait an entire weekend to see how I did on my chemistry test. I think I did pretty good. I wasn't sure about some things but think I made pretty well educated guesses.
Some people I know are going to Las Vegas this weekend I really want to go but I don't think I'll be able to. But man after the stress of chemistry I need a road trip!

Chemistry? Yeah. .. Chemistry

If you don't know what that is from, go find a copy of Guys and Dolls right now! You're missing out! Make sure it's the one with Frank Sinatra and Marlon Brando.

So I studied for my chemistry test tonight. It's tomorrow. I really hope I do well on it. I need to. I still have more studying to do and also more homework. This is going to be a fun night.

i don't have much to say. . .a lot of things have been running through my mind, I'm afraid I am just looking to have a distraction that I really don't need. But maybe it will just result in a new friend. That would be fun.

Speaking of friends, I have some that seem to be going through a lot right now. I hurt for them. There's just so much . . .

In anatomy today (which btw, I aced my last test in that class) we talked about neurological disorders and drugs that affect the nervous system. It was so cool.

Ok well that was short but that's about all I can write this evening. Back to studying.

He wrote back

He wrote back! I can't believe it! He was sooo sweet about it too. He said thank you, said he was flattered, and it put a smile on his face. I was glad he was nice. I really wish I could've gotten to know him. Maybe next time I actually have a crush on someone, I'll have the guts to at least introduce myself. Yeah right. I still have this fantasy that one day he will come to visit some old friends and find out where I live and stop by, He'll be so smitten that he'll make sure he gets my phone number so he can call me and eventually move back out here and propose to me on a mountain. Hey I can dream can't I?
It's so crazy. . .I have two potential plans for my life. First is being a doctor and if marriage comes along somewhere in there great. The other is just to meet the man of my dreams right now and get married and start a family. Forget the doctor part. But. . .then I sit in anatomy and I am so fascinated I want to know more. I want to know how all the processes of the body work together to make our body function properly. I want to understand why our bodies do what they do and how we can take care of it to make it work better. (definitely have to work on that!) I want to know what can go wrong and figure out what can be done to make it right. It's just so amazing. I feel like knowing about how God created me helps me to understand better who he is and grow closer.
I guess there is still a part of me who would love to be on Broadway in New York or shooting a movie in some exotic locale or singing in front of thousands of people all over the country, but if I can't have that dream, then reaching my goal of being a doctor is just as good.
I think my confidence is going up, Someday some cute guy that I notice is going to notice me back and pursue me. And I'll notice little things about him like the shape of his hands and how his eyes crinkle up when he smiles and he'll love that notice it. He'll love that I get really into old musicals with Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra and how sometimes I just want to turn up music and dance wildly around my apartment. He'll understand that sometimes I want to go out and have fun and other times just want to stay home and be quiet. :) I'm such a sap. He'll also have to love me coming home talking about all the different medical stuff I learn. And he'll understand why I can't kiss him until we're married (ok maybe engaged) and won't try to make me break that vow.
Oh and God whenever you want to bring this guy along to me, feel free :) Until then I'll just study chemistry. Chemistry? Yeah. . ,chemistry!

OH MY GOSH

I can't believe what I did today. I was at work and we were all kinda goofing off (ok majorly goofing off) and my co-workers started telling me that I should just e-mail this guy that I had a crush on last year and tell him. He was here at school last year and then he didn't come back. So I figured what the hell he's in Michigan I'll never see him again, I might as well. So I did. I can't believe it! I never talked to him last year because. . .. I'm a chicken. I'm really shy around people especially guys. I sat behind him in a class we had together and still never talked to him. I did say a hi a few times and got to see his beautiful straight-teeth smile. :)
I'm such a dork. Oh well, I told him that I didn't expect anything from him about it, of course, and that he should just smile, say thank you, and be flattered. So even if it was just over e-mail I told him! I was shaking the entire time.
What's really ironic is the fact that he's still taking online classes through my university and I had to set him up with the classes (I work in the office that handles it)! So, I had to actually talk to him. Isn't that crazy?
So yeah, I told an extremely cute guy that I had (have) a crush on him. It'll go away soon I hope.
So that's about me being crazy. I need a drink.

Election Day!

Well it's election day. I told myself I wasn't going to watch anything about the results tonight but I'm in the student union to study and it's on the big screen TV so. . .I'm watching! I hope it doesn't end up like last time. It would be nice to know who's going to take office in January before Christmas.
I think it's going to be really close. Right now Bush is ahead but states major democrat states like California haven't been reported yet. So we'll see.
I have an anatomy test tomorrow. . .which is why I'm in the union. I really want to do well even if I have to stay up really late. It's over some interesting stuff - muscles. Everytime I study I'm just amazed and overwelmed about the human body. I mean, there is so much! There are so many microscopic parts and processes that go on, I wonder if I'll ever be able to figure it all out. I'll definitely always be learning something. Which is fine. I think that's one of the reasons I want to be a doctor. There is so much to learn and the technology is always changing. One day will never be the same as another. It will be exciting!
I get worried though because I don't feel like I'm doing well enough in my classes. I haven't studied enough for Chemistry and that's going to mess me up. I'm going to be studying like crazy the next few weeks and definitely over Thanksgiving.
I had to read a sermon entitled "Why God Used D. L. Moody" given by a collegue of his, Torrey. It was interesting. There was the basic stuff, he prayed, he was humbled, he studied the Bible, he had a passion for the lost, all that kind of stuff. Then my professor discussed it and talked about how a lot of that stuff about Moody could be said about people here. And all I was thinking was "not me." Right now things having to do with God are so hard for me to concentrate on. Praying is super hard and when I do try I feel so inadequate. I haven't picked up my Bible since before the summer. At the beginning of the year I went to a leadership retreat and did a lot of praying and crying but I just feel like it was all emotion. And I can't trust my emotions. They've always let me down.
But I will keep going. There's a part of me that knows I will never be able to completely turn away from God. I still want to somehow get to a point where I feel like I have a relationship with God. I just don't know what that will look like for me.
Ok time to study.

Driving slow on Sunday morning. . .

That title is from a Maroon 5 song. It's a good one; actually the whole CD is good.
Weekends are so difficult. After going to school and working all week the thought of having to do anything intelligent is beyond me. Then when Sunday rolls around I am reminded that tomorrow is Monday and my school week begins again and I only have a little time to get all the stuff I should've been working on all weekend finished. Oh well. I had a fun weekend. I went shopping, saw the movie Ray, and went to Applebee's with my roommates. I spent way too much money and will probably live on ramen noodles (if I had any), $1 totino's pizzas, and peanut butter sandwiches for the next few weeks. It'll probably be good for me. I go to Chipotle and Starbucks too much anyway. Maybe I'll drop a few pounds :)
To quote one of my favorite movies: Life is a pain in the ass (you know what it's from). My life hasn't turned out at all like what I had expected. I filled out one of those e-mail survey's the other day and one of the questions was like what's your dream career. I answered to have a successful singing career, acting career, or a combination of the two: Broadway. Which is why here I am at Colorado Christian University studying Biology with the hopes of becoming a doctor. Makes sense huh? I really do want to be a doctor; I just hope I have what it takes. There is so much to learn about how the human body works; it's amazing. How in the world can I hold it all in?
There has always been so much I've wanted to do and so many places I've wanted to go. I know that I still have a lot of time, but it always seems that I'm sitting here living a meaningless life while the world is spinning around and exciting things are happening that I can't be apart of. And being at a Christian university and growing up in the church with a pastor father, I'm supposed to be concerned with telling people about Jesus and concerned with the "eternal." But quite honestly I'm not sure what I believe about God anymore. What part does he have in my life? What does a relationship with him look like? If it looks like what my parents have or what I see from the conservative right wing crazy people I don't think I want it.
But then there's a part of me that keeps saying God is real and there is something to this Christian life; I just don't know what.
Ok that's enough thought before Sunday at noon.

My Blog

I decided to follow in my best friend's footsteps and create a blog. Now that I got through the horror of coming up with a username and blog name I'm all set!
I'm watching the World Series right between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Boston Red Sox. I can not believe the Cardinals are doing so badly. I had so much hope for them to win! Watching them go to the series was so exciting. I remember going to Busch Stadium probably when I was 4 or 5 to see the Cardinals play. I remember hoping that Ozzie Smith would do a backflip on the field. Going to baseball games with my dad are probably some of the best memories I have from growing up. I remember being furious when I found out that my dad took my brother and sister to a game while I was in school! I remember my dad making us leave early so we wouldn't be stuck in traffic and then hearing the fireworks going off because someone had hit a homerun. But there were plenty of games I got to go to and homeruns I got to see. And now to this day, even though I may not be happy with the cardinals performance right now, they will always be my team.
I hope I get to see one more game at Busch Stadium before they build the new one. . .ah. . . .America's pastime. :)