Confession

I'm torn. I'll just come right out and say it. It doesn't really match up with what I've been writing.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the BF.

I like him. He's sweet, funny, cute, and just . . . great.

But there are times when it would just be so much easier if he didn't exist. I wouldn't have someone that I wanted to talk to. I wouldn't have someone that I wanted to spend time with. I wouldn't be disappointed when I didn't get to see him. I'm already not looking forward to this weekend; I found out he's doing something with his family so I'll just be sitting here doing nothing. And I'm just disappointed because this weekend is pretty much the only weekend until September that we would've been able to do something. Oh well.

I think of these things and it reminds me that really, I'm still alone. And I wonder how much I am willing to put up with the illusion of not being alone only to be reminded that I really am.

I just don't know...I love being around him but then every once in awhile these things creep up that make me wonder if it's worth messing with. Is it just me being afraid? Or should I take it to mean that maybe it's not a good match?

The problem is I do like him. A lot.

Long nights, renter woes, and therapy

Last night I managed to sleep from about 11:00 to 1:30. Then I was awake until about 4. Then I woke up again around 5. I think by 6, after sending a few text messages to BF, I fell about asleep until about 9. Then I laid in bed until 11 trying to go back to sleep. I finally gave up.

My roof leaks. They knew it when I moved in and someone was supposed to fix it. But there's like a monsoon going on right now and it is still leaking. I'm glad I didn't get rid of the bucket. I wonder if I can ask to to get a reduced rent rate this month since it's not fixed.

This rain storm started making me think about how much I love rain and thunderstorms. Someday I want to live somewhere that I can just see the clouds roll in and enjoy the storm without any buildings in my way. There's always this theme of comparing life troubles with storms. I can see where it comes from. But really there is nothing more wonderful and theraputic to me than the sound of the rumbling thunder and the flashes of lightning. And the rain. . .I love it whether it's heavy and the wind is blowing wildly or it's soft and slow. For awhile I just stood outside on my balcony and enjoyed the wind and rain. It was so relaxing and wonderful.

I had so much fun last night with BF. We were going to go see Hairspray but decided to go sometime this week. He was tired and wanted to just stay in. It definitely ended up being a good thing. We made homemade pizza, salad, and had chocolate cake for dessert (ok we didn't make that). We also had pixy stix :-) I really love how we can just have fun staying in, making our own food and relaxing with a movie. Or two. I'm still a little amazed by all of it. There are still sometimes when I find myself freaking out a little but then I calm down. He says something about how his day will be wonderful once he sees me or is willing to go see Hairspray with me, or keeps looking at me during the movie...and I think, wow.

I don't know if he's the "one" or not. It hasn't even been 4 months, but I really want to just see what happens. I like him. :-)

I did it.

I really wish that BF didn't live an hour away. And I really wish that he didn't have to get up at 5 am to go to work. But maybe that's a good thing. . . no late nights for us ;-)

Tonight he came over and I did something that for years and years fought against and told myself I wouldn't do. . . .

I watched Austin Powers. One AND two.

And I thought they were funny. I will probably watch the third one sometime soon.

I can't believe I gave in.

Even with more of a social life, most of my evenings are spent alone in my apartment. And even after only a few weeks; I'm tired of it. And even with cutting back on some stuff like cable and consolidating student loans, money is going to be pretty tight. So I will probably go ahead and get a part-time job. Maybe. The only thing is, I want Monday nights free for Bible study, Sunday mornings free for church, and Saturday afternoons/evenings open because not only will that be a time I'll get to see BF but also because I'm hoping to be involved in getting a Saturday night service started at my church. A group met about it last week and I really want to be a part of it.

So is there any chance of something that I could do 2-3 nights a week and Saturday mornings? I don't want to kill myself working a 2nd job that will keep me from doing other things. And if BF buys his house then one of the things he's going to have to do is not drive up here as much. I'll be able to go down there probably once a week and I want to make sure that will work. I don't know...

I wonder if I have a better chance of a pile of money dropping in my lap.

Issues

I have issues.

Lots of issues.

I will probably always have issues.

Does anyone not have issues?

this weekend

This weekend was a lot of fun. Tiring but fun. We ate a lot of food and watched Die Hard 1 and 2 on Friday night. We made omelets and watched an actually funny Christian comedian video on Saturday morning. Unfortunately I was really tired on Saturday. We went to bed around 2:30 am then by 6 am I was awake after realizing that I had slept in the same uncomfortable position and my neck was killing me. So from 6 until 9 I was in and out of sleep. Oh well.
After eating lunch at the Little Hooker (seriously that's the name of it and they have wonderful pie) we all ended up going back to Wichita to go to church at Q's dad's church (the same one BF and I went to last weekend). Then we all went to Q's parents' house for dinner. It was a lot of fun. It was so cool to just gather around the table and have a home-cooked meal. It got me to thinking about how I really hope someday I'm able to do that. And it makes me wish I had a table so I can invite people over for dinner. Oh well, I may still do that. We can just have an indoor picnic :)

So interesting little tidbit, BF wants to buy a house. Actually it's not just a house, it's house and 30 acres of land complete with a stream, 2 ponds, and 20 acres of hay. It sounds amazing except the house is kinda crappy. I think it's a cool idea even though the fact that he's younger than me and could actually buy a house kind of makes me ill. And that got me to thinking about my whole crazy money situation and what I need to do to make ends meet. I need to consolidate my student loans, see about getting some kind of line of credit or something so can actually pay off my credit cards, and sadly, get rid of my cable. I know I should still be open to the idea of a 2nd job but I really, really don't want to. Really don't want to. Even though, I do get pretty bored in the evenings. And I can't just always drive an hour to visit BF. I am already thinking of Thursday, though. ;-)

Anyway, last night after a very weird Bible study I was starting to get all down on myself but then I just. . .stopped. I knew I had no reason to. No reason at all. Because I belong to God and he's got me. I like when I remember that sooner rather than later. Sometimes I still get frustrated that I don't know what's going to happen and that my life is nothing like I thought it would be by the time I was 26, but really, it's still good. Who knows what's going to happen. Life is definitely an adventure.

Oooo, and I got a good indication that BF will be good at backrubs. Woohoo! He just keeps getting better!
Oh and the other day he mentioned that he doesn't have my blog address and I felt a little bad but I was just like "yeah you won't get to read it for quite awhile. Sorry." I am a little nervous about him being able to read this. . .which is also why I can't tell him about how some found this by looking up the pottery shop online (cause then he would find it). Which, btw, jayhawk: it's very interesting that you found this! I love the pottery shop! I hope you enjoy your trip to KS and I'd be interested in hearing more about your twins. I know life with kids (well not technically but I got a brief glimpse due to my would-be-stepchildren) can be hard, but even harder when they have special needs. Take care.

Oh yeah, it is an Xbox, not a playstation.

I'm excited about this weekend. BF invited me and a few people from Bible study to his place to hang out and watch movies. I thought about riding down there with everyone else but it looks like they will be leaving late in the afternoon on Saturday and I don't want to leave that early! And when I told him that I'd drive separately so I could stay later unles he didn't want me to, he said "oh no, I definitely want you to stay longer." :)

Ok I have to go back to work now.

Grand Theft Auto

Yesterday after work, I found out that BF wasn't doing anything besides going to his softball game at 9:30. It was looking like one of those nights of just sitting around not doing anything so I decided to just hop on down to see him :)

While we were eating a wonderfully simple meal of ham sandwiches and cheetos (I loved it), he began to teach me how to play Grand Theft Auto on his playstation (wait, I think it's a playstation. . .I can't remember which one). He's determined to get me hooked on a video game. It was fun but I get really crazy when I try to play a video game. It was hard get used to the controller; I kept overcorrecting while driving. Eventually I just tried to run over as many people and run into as many lamp posts as I could. And BF in his sarcastic manner said, "so it looks like the safest place for people to walk is in the street." I kicked him. ;-) I did get a little better the more I tried.

I probably shouldn't have but I went to the softball game (which caused me to not get home until midnight). It was fun. I've told him this before, but I really like his attitude towards it. Being a guy (and an athletic one), he can get competitive, but he's not crazy about it. He is just excited about playing and really easy going about it. It was supposed to be a church league but not enough churches signed up so they got put in a more competitive men's league. They haven't done very well at all honestly but he's just excited for everyone to come out and play. A lot of the guys are members of his church but don't come very often; he sees it as a way to just reach out to them to possibly get them reconnected to the church. I like that he doesn't get all bent out of shape when they lose or when someone messes up and doesn't do very well. And he doesn't get mad when he doesn't do well either. I just like his attitude about it.
I was excited for them last night; they played for the entire hour and got 8 runs and only lost by 3! Usually they get run-ruled. . .they usually get beat by about 15 runs or more.

So it was a good night. I just have to actually go to bed early tonight! I haven't the last few nights and I'm tired!

My Happy List

I'm taking a cue from Val and presenting a happy list. :)

1) Gorgeous, warm, sun-shiny days

2) Waking up to the sound of rain, thunder, and lightning

3) Talking to a friend that I haven't talked to in awhile

4) Talking to another friend that I haven't talked to in awhile

5) Having BF put his arm around me during church

6) Making my new apartment more homey

7) My red microwave

8) Realizing I like the WOW Hymns CD that BF was playing the other night

9) Cranberry limeades from Sonic (especially when BF brings it to me at work)

10) Frozen hot chocolates

11) Sticking around after Bible study and having a really awesome conversation about God and faith (and actually feeling like I can contribute something of worth)

12) Flowers

13) Being excited to see pictures of the child of someone I haven't seen since I was 19

Ok that's all for now!

Moving forward

BF works at a nursing home and has to work 1st shift every other weekend, thus he doesn't get to attend church every other Sunday morning. So he decided to check out a Saturday evening service at one of the local United Methodist churches. I went with him and it was pretty cool. It was a small group but still pretty cool. I was actually impressed.

The pastor's sermon title was "Why the church?" He talked about the different ways the church shapes our faith. His daughter is Q the other girl from the camping trip. He e-mailed her and asked her how the church and different people in the church helped shape her faith. There were examples of youth leaders, friends, deacons, etc. BF (who went to the same church as her for awhile during middle school) had those same examples. Parents were included in the examples, especially for Q.

It got me to thinking the people who shaped my faith. And I come up really short. My parents didn't do much to shape my faith. Sure dad was a pastor but the only stuff about faith we ever got was at church. I remember being in Sunday school one time at Rosedale and I took a crayon and colored in the world Bible (on the front of one). My Sunday school teacher told me that was wrong and I shouldn't do that. It wasn't until high school that I could underline or highlight anything in my Bible. There was never a youth group or someone who I looked up to.
My parents didn't do much at home when it came to any faith building. They know they failed in that. We've talked about it. Most of what I remember is examples of a legalistic religion instead of being taught about love and grace. I feel like I have had a lifetime of negative experiences mixed in with some good ones.
There was camp...most of the time I was just concerned with finding a boyfriend for the week. Then I was always going to camps with the ministry team. There were many good experiences but for the most part I was surrounded by people who had a very "holier-than-thou" attitude, who made me think I had to be perfect in order to be a Christian. When I started college and struggled so much with my faith and life there was no support in the group. I definitely have had some friends who have helped shape my faith, in good ways, that I am extremely thankful for. But it was more of us figuring stuff out at the same time and helping each other out.

I wish I remembered more than just negative experiences. But really I guess there's no point in looking back and wishing. My past and how I grew up is just that. It's in the past now. And I am moving forward and I am continuing to be shaped. Shaped into the person that I am supposed to be. Sure, it's taking me a bit longer than some but not as long as others, I guess.

I hope someday I might be able to have a positive influence on someone. Is that selfish? I don't know. I hope someday when (God-willing) I have kids of my own, I will be a positive influence on them and they won't look back and wonder why I never taught them anything. Who knows.

Prayer

I have been thinking lately about prayer. What it really is, how to pray, and if it really makes a difference. And what part it plays in my life.

I've never been good at it, I don't think. I've tried to do prayer vigils and CCU had days of prayer that I went to but after about 20 minutes I was itching to get up and leave. I hear about people spending multiple hours in prayer and wonder, really, how they do it.
Most of the time, my prayers happen when I'm tucked into bed and I start talking out loud. Sometimes there's a "Dear God" or "Heavenly Father," but most of the time I just start talking. I am pretty sure this is ok. But I wonder what am I supposed to really pray about? What is prayer really? Oh I know there are tons of Bible verses about it and I know that it's important. But I definitely feel it's one of the areas I just. . .fall short in.

But is that because I think I'm supposed to start every prayer with "Dear Jesus" and spend a certain amount of time in prayer? Is that part of my legalistic background rearing its ugly head? I lean more towards saying "yes."
About a month ago now, I wrote in my prayer journal (another thing that gets written in anywhere from multiple times a day or once every few weeks) that if I could know about a new job by June 15th that would be great. I prefaced it by saying, "I know it probably won't happen." But it did. Was that a God thing? (Again I definitely lean towards yes)
The day after I got back from the camping trip in Colorado I started getting freaked out about my job situation then that same day I found out about a job. Then later that week there were a few more. Here God was answering my prayers when I still had this attitude of He tricked me into moving here and just wanted to see me miserable. Yes, I know really that's not true but still.

And how do I pray about this new relationship? Right now, my prayer seems to be "God help me not be stupid again." But really how do I pray about this? I can't necessarily pray that this ends up being "it," but is it ok to hope for that? What if it's not? I don't know anything for certain.

And how do I pray for people? That is where I really feel I fall short. I hate it I tell someone I'll pray for them but then I realize I don't. Sometimes I'll be completely honest and say "I'll try." But even when I do pray for people the words seem so cliche and shallow. "God please watch over so-and-so and their family." I mean just how shallow does that sound? But I really want to be able to pray for people sincerely.

Back to normal

Well life has returned pretty much back to normal here. Except my new apartment is still a bit of a wreck. I did make a lot of progress on it before the parents came but now I have a lot of cleaning up to do! What I really need now is something to put my TV on.
Yesterday I got a super-girly shower curtain. I couldn't decide between super-girly and plain & classy. I went with the super-girly because this is the time to get exactly what I want and I may not always have the luxury of girly when it comes to bathroom decor. It's cute; I like it.
My kitchen is going to have a French bistro type vibe. And I need to get curtains. Unfortunately the ones I made last year don't fit the window. They're too short. Oh and I got the mirror that goes with my grandmother's vanity that I've had for a few years now. It's absolutely gorgeous. So now I have the dresser, vanity, and mirror. Dad did say that there is a stool that goes with it too. Hopefully someday I'll get that. I love my old furniture.

On Tuesday, there is a staff lunch followed by a Bishop/Cabinet presentation. I had to order food and everything. The next few days at work are definitely going to be busy.

Let's see I don't remember everything I've written about my new BF. I can definitely say that I have missed talking to him the last few days. He is a part-time youth pastor and did a Survivor weekend with his kids this weekend. I will probably get to talk to him a little bit tonight but then tomorrow before Bible study we're going to get something to eat. I like getting off work at 5 now. :) And that's another reason I need to get my apartment straightened up a bit; he may see it tomorrow. Of course, he did see my old apartment right before I moved and it was a mess so it won't matter too much.

family time and news!

This really has been a good (but long) week. My introvert-ness is screaming for some solitude. As much as I love having my family here, I need some alone time that doesn't come easy when there are 4 people in a 1 bedroom apartment. But it's really ok; we're having a good time. Today I took the afternoon off from work and we went to Chipotle (for the 2nd time) for lunch, browsed around Barnes & Noble for a bit so Mo (neice) could get some books. I bought some too; probably shouldn't have but they had $3 copies of a bunch of classics like Uncle Tom's Cabin and Wuthering Heights, so I went for it. I also bought a new Donald Miller book.
Then we went to Exploration Place, the kids/science musuem here. It's pretty neat; definitely not as good as other places like it elsewhere, but maybe someday it will be better.

So. . .we went to NF's . . . . oh wait I mean, BF's church's picnic for the 4th. It was a lot of fun and relaxing. It was at a couple's house out in the country and we had a potluck, played some softball (I really stink), and shot off fireworks. Just as it was really getting dark we started raining and we saw tons of lightning and fireworks from surrounding towns. The people from his church were really nice. I even got to joking around with one of the kids from the youth group. I really liked how he treated me. He was excited to introduce me to people. He didn't go off and leaving me to fend for myself. Mo had already decided she wanted to eat at a certain table and mentioned that to him, telling him I'd be sitting with her and he got to the table even before I did. :) I liked that. And there were several times where he came and stood or sat next to me. I know that doesn't sound like a huge deal but I loved that he didn't just act like everyone else was more important than me. Before we left, I got a nice big hug. And Monday before Bible study we're going to meet up and go to dinner. I love getting off work at 5.

Did you catch that? BF, not NF. :-) Yes, it's official, he's my boyfriend. When he said he wanted to introduce me as his girlfriend, my mind started racing a bit but then I was just like, "ok, yes, I think that is ok." I really like him and I really like the way things are going still. And most importantly, we're taking our time. And we will continue to. He mentioned something about going Abilene, KS sometime soon to see some historical homes and buildings (definitely up for that!) and in a few weeks, the two of us, plus the married couple from Bible study are going to have a movie night and possibly go canoeing. Slightly scary images of first weekend at GC come to mind when I think of canoeing, but I think I could handle it ;-)

Job is going really well. We're getting everything organized, I'm slowly teaching myself how to use Access, and we're having a reception for the Bishop and his Cabinet next week that I've been planning. It's fun!

Ok that's all for now!

Moved!

I am moved. And I am pretty damn impressed with myself: I have a good portion unpacked. All I need to do is get a new entertainment center to set up my TV, set up my movies, and bookcase. And decorate. I'm amazed quite honestly. I'm not usually this on top of unpacking. Now I can relax and get it nice and decorated.

Parents are coming this week. In fact, I'm expecting them any minute now. And there is a surprise that my mom let slip but I'm still supposed to still act surprised. My neice is coming with them!!! Everyone else who was in on it did a good job; I even talked to my sister and she was describing how they stopped by and went to lunch (another issue, they are getting here about 3 hours later than I thought). So anyway when I see my neice, I will act surprised.

For the 4th, we're going to NF's church's picnic. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh and on Saturday when I moved, NF did something really sweet. He found the framed picture I have of the two of us and put it by my bed for me. It is my first decoration :)