Yummy yummy

Let me just say. . I ROCK.

And someday when I have a bigger kitchen, I do believe I will love trying all different kinds of recipes. It's fun.
With the exception of forgetting to defrost 1 of the 3 packages of chicken that are sitting in my freezer and having to buy another package, my enchiladas ended up SO awesome. And really easy to make. And the guacamole. . .excellent. However, I am beginning to regret the decision to put a whole serrano chile in it. My tongue is burning. And chasing it with my margarita isn't helping! ;-)

Sunday night is Italian night and baseball! Oh! That reminds me, I have to get pesto...the grocery store didn't have any. What's up with that?

OO! Today I finally got to see and smell some lilacs! They were at a park right near where I work. It was wonderful. I love lilacs.

Rain

After a week or so of a lot of cloudy days and not too much rain, last night it let loose. I woke up this morning to the sound of pouring rain. I like rain. And somewhere, I know I have an umberella. But I have no idea where it is. Oh well, I don't like umberellas anyway. Too much hassle. I don't mind getting a little wet.

Anyway, my mind is racing. Something I read on a message board started making me think about connecting with people. And my lack of connection with anyone right now. Lately, the only people I feel like I have connected with are my parents. I'm thankful for that but at the same time it's difficult sometimes because I think we're both figuring out how to relate to each other. They've been so supportive of me but I think there's a part of them that is not sure how to relate to my brother and I because our lives are so much different than what my sister's was at our age. It's a different dynamic. I'm so thankful for them though. It's harder and harder to try to talk to my sister. Or any other friends who live far away. Everyone is so busy with their lives and it's hard to make time which stinks. Sometimes it's frustrating that the only way you know what's going on with anyone is by reading one of these. Connecting really is hard and sometimes when you feel like you actually do connect with someone there's that possibility of the connection gettnig all screwed up. As much as you do want to be able to connect with someone it's scary because there's always that chance of getting hurt. So, rather than taking that chance, it's easier to just shy away from it.

Then I think about connecting with God. This blog made me think of different ways to worship and connect. Which is another reason it's hard for me to talk to my parents sometimes about the whole faith thing. Mom is constantly telling me to rely on God and reach out to him and it's getting old. I admit it, I roll my eyes most of the time. It's become such a cliche to me. And she's convinced if I listen to Joyce Meyer my life will be changed forever. The thought of that makes me gag. There's such a gap between what I believe and the things I was taught and was around growing up and I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate it all. It's frustrating sometimes. I feel like I don't know how to navigate it and have no idea what to do to figure out how.
And it's hard trying to figure it out especially when there's not much time to do so. Any night I have off work, the time has to be used very carefully. Besides making my dinner Friday, I HAVE to clean. It's driving me nuts not having time to clean my apartment.

Another thing I've been reminded of is how many people are actually going through a lot. Everyone's life has something going on. Ok, ok, I know this is an obvious statement but it's true and so much of the time I'm so concerned with my life I forget about other people's. A lot of the time I do care other times I don't. I admit it. I'm human and I definitely can be selfish, whether I like it or not.

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want. . . .well, it doesn't matter right now. I guess right now I just need to live life right now and try not to worry too much about anything else.

Party at my house

After all week of e-mailing myself tons of recipes I've seen on the food network, I've decided to try my hand at a new recipe. Friday it will be enchiladas and a new guacamole recipe. I was tempted to go Italian, but I really want guacamole :-D
I'm going to have some fun cooking. And have some good leftovers for the weekend. Woohoo!

My life as it is now

The last few weeks I've had the urge to try new recipes. I'm so sick of all the same food I've been eating. I keep saving recipes from the food network that hopefully I'll get to try sometime. And now I'm watching the food network and Emeril is making soups including a broccoli and cheese one that sounds good. . .I'll have to try it. I am also wanting to try to make something with asparagus and artichokes.

I was thinking last night about how I guess it's just hard for me to live my life when I feel like there's nothing to it. When it comes right down to it, I'm not really happy about my life and that's just hard to deal with for me. I'm not really working towards anything and any goals I have or future plans seem so far off. . .And even trying to tell myself my life will not always be like this, things could be a lot worse, and I will not always be stuck in Wichita, sometimes it doesn't help to make me feel better. I figured it up. . .only 15 more weeks until I can leave. I have to figure out how to make it a little better because I can't stand the way things are now. I want things to change, even if it's just being able to be just a little (and even a tad) more content here. Somehow things have to be different. I'm still not sure how to make that happen. I think one thing that is making it so hard is the job situation. On one hand, having two jobs isn't too bad and it feels good to be able to pay all of my bills without having to go to the parents for money. On the other hand, I absolutely hate it. I don't have time to get things done, I'm constantly going out to eat because I don't have time to cook, and I'm always tired. But right now it's necessary. I really hope I can find something in Denver that pays enough so I don't have to continue the two job thing. But if I have to, I will.

God calmed me down a lot last night. I'm still just. . .blah about the whole faith thing, but he calmed me down when I needed it. I just get impatient I guess. I guess everyone does from time to time. I guess maybe it's hard because I don't feel like my life has much purpose right now. I'm not really living for anything. I'm not sure what to do with my life as it is right now. Oh well. if anything I'll continue working, pay my bills, and try to save up some money to move. In another month or so I can start trying to figure out stuff about the move and then it'll hopefully start to feel more real and something to look forward to. There really are a lot of cute places I've been looking at. And hopefully I'll find people to live with.

I'll keep going.

Fluff

Ok, so let's forget about everything that's really on my mind and just still with fluffy stuff.

*Spring is here. . .bunch of stuff blooming. One of these days I hope I can enjoy it. I hope I see some lilacs sometime.
*It's been cloudy here like all week. Supposedly there's a big storm coming. It seems the "big" storms always become small by the time they get here, so we'll see. I hate when it gets cloudy and looks like rain but then rain never comes. Plus, I need some lightning.
*Baseball season begins next Sunday. And guess who will be home that night to watch the ESPN coverage? Yes, that would be me, thank you very much. I somehow got scheduled to work a lovely 10 hour shift starting at 8 am that day but now I don't mind.
*My french guy is gone. I didn't get to see him again after Wednesday. He's in LA now. Sad.

ok that's enough fluff.

trying to write.

I've started to write something a few times in the last few days only to delete it all and sign off in a hurry before I change my mind.

Even now I am just sitting here trying to figure out if I do want to write, and if I do, what to write. There's lots I could write. . .

Ok well I just wrote something but deleted it.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Faith

I've been thinking a lot about faith the last few days, weeks, months. . .years. . .

Now after the last few days, it seems I can't get the whole faith thing right so, I wonder, what's the point? A few months ago I was wanting to go to church and I was intent of really doing the whole trusting God thing. I really wanted to work on my relationship and really try to live it out.

Now I'm closer to saying "f*** it."

My mother keeps telling me to depend on God, look to him, yada, yada, yada and I just get so frustrated because I'm trying! I've been trying for most of my damn life. God has been a constant presence and topic in my life all my life. Even before I was freakin born. I was surrounded by it ALL THE TIME. And I ALWAYS felt out of place and not like everyone else I was always around. I never managed to get it "right."

And I'm still like that. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. God keeps just being silent and I'm tired of waiting. If he's not going to do anything with me why doesn't he just leave me the hell alone?
But do I really want him to? Do I want God to just turn his back on me? Do I really want to turn my back on him? I know how I'd be if I wasn't trying to depend on God and it scares me.

I just know that things have to be different and soon. I can't take this much longer.

Lalalala

"The Producers" was AWESOME. I highly recommend it. It's hilarious, the music is great. . .I loved it. And I think it was the first time I left a show like that and didn't leave thinking "I wish I could do that." I mean, I do wish it but I didn't leave feeling like I missed my life's calling by not being able to be in "showbiz." (I think. . .)

So today I went through the whole process of setting up a new blog. But. . .I don't think I'm going to use it right now. And I don't know if I'll mess with the whole inviting thing. It's too much hassle really. I mean really, what's the point? Who cares?

For now, I'll keep things the same, I guess.

Man, it's been a long weekend. Finally, tonight, I get to relax a little bit. Which is good, I need it. The laundry is piling up.

OOOO La La. . .

So in the chaos of the whole debit card thing I forgot to mention that I get to go see the Producers tonight!!!! I'm so excited!!!!

And seriously. . .the guy from France. . .yeah. . .he's nice. Today I found out that after he leaves here he's going to LA and Dallas. And he likes American cars like Corvettes. And he likes motorcycles. Today in town there were a bunch of bikers and he was looking at all the bikes.

My sister sent me this today:

"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from teh ground that isn't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. "

Fraud!

So. . .I had a bit of drama tonight. First, I noticed that $20 was missing from my wallet. Then I found out that it had happened to a few other people as well. I was indeed a little irritated about it. I even wrote a note and put it by the timeclock that said (to whoever is doing it because it's apparently an employee) "stop stealing people's money."
Then I got home and checked my wallet again and realized that my old bank card was gone. I got online and sure enough it had been used a couple of times.
I'm not horribly worried about it now because I called the bank, got the card deactivated and everything. .. I even filed a police report. Luckily I caught it soon enough so they didn't do too much damage. I think I'm going to add something to the note tomorrow.
They didn't take my current card probably because my picture is on it. What's scary is just today had put my SS card in my purse because I needed it for work so that was in there too. Plus checks and everything. I figured they went straight for the wallet to go through it real quick because they never knew when someone was going to walk into the office at the hotel and catch them.

Now my purse will never leave my sight and as soon as I find my padlock I'm locking it up!

Crazy people stealing my money. . .ok I gotta go to bed. I'm riled up enough I don't know if I can sleep.

Happy stuff

Things that make me laugh and smile:

1) The little maintenance guy at the hotel saying "Red Bull gives you wings" complete with a little flip of his arms imitating wings. Everyone got to experience my squeaky laugh as a result. And then the maintenance guy choked on his red bull.

2) Listening to the hot French guy (and very nice French guy I might add) saying "karaoke." It took like 3 times of him saying it before I figured out what he was saying. Seriously wish I had a recording. It was adorable.

3) Sushi. I had it again last night. It's wonderful.

4) Being able to pay to get my truck fixed without using a credit card.

5) Chicks, ducks, and bunnies.

Just some tidbits

Just a few little tidbits:

1) 17 days until opening day

2) Had to take my truck in to get the brakes looked at. I think the same thing that was wrong with it last year is wrong again on the other side. I can't wait to see how much it's going to cost.

3) Got to see (& talk to) hot French guy again last night. I told him about the cool movie theatre downtown (you can order food and drinks from your seat) and wished I could've said "you have to try it, let's go this weekend." Forget the no fraterinizing with guests rule.

4) I'm going to start looking at Biology grad programs at different universities to see where I think I'd want to go to see where I think I want to move. I want to keep my options open and even though sometimes the idea that I can go anywhere I want is a little scary it's also kinda exciting!!

Ew I just got the call from the auto shop. I love that I get to shell out $300 today.

Eye Candy, part deux

There are definitely perks that come with working at a hotel. You get to meet a lot of different people from all over. . .

Like the absolutely gorgeous guy from France, although he hasn't lived there for awhile. He's lived in Singapore and New Zealand. He's here for pilot training. I picked him up from the Y last night and made myself talk to him the whole way back (ok it's only a few minutes but still). I love listening to him talk. So yeah I just asked him where he was from, what he does, etc. It'll be nice seeing him around for the next few weeks.

And this weekend is the Producers!!!! I REALLY hope we get tickets for Saturday night because then I'll be able to go and I already told my boss I want tickets. And it'll be so much fun having the cast. They're only doing two shows so they won't be here long enough to be annoying like the cast of Mamma Mia. I wonder if cute french guy wants to go see the Producers. ;-)

Bored

I'm bored, so I thought I'd write something.

So that movie I saw on Thursday, Amazing Grace. . .it was pretty good. I left a little depressed because the only thing I could think of was "what am I that passionate about that I would continue to fight for 15-20 or more years?" Um. . .nothing. . .this guy fought for like 20 years to abolish the slave trade. So much of the time I feel that I am passionate about different things but not in a position to do anything about it.

One of the lines in the movie struck me. I can't remember it exactly. William said something about his faith returning although there were no lightning bolts or anything like that. Then John Newton (played by Albert Finney) said something like God sometimes works like a light drizzle. . .drop by drop.
hmmm. How many times do we expect God to come at us like a lightning bolt? I have to admit, I'm a little tired of the drizzle. I sometimes wish that God would just do something immediately. I am tired of going from feeling better to feeling like I wish I wasn't even a. . . .ok even the thought of typing the rest of that thought is scary. And ridiculous. Because it's really not how I feel.
But God continues to drizzle on me. Drop by drop. Is there really something wrong with me actually being happy and joyful? I want the instances of me actually knowing that I'll be ok to become greater in number. Right now they are too far apart. I know it's probably because I just hold on to things a lot longer than I should. Sometimes it's hard not to just want to bash him and blame him for everything even though I know not everything was his fault. We just. . .made a mistake. We thought there could be more to our relationship and we were wrong. Simple as that. I still don't like that I am still here and in this situation though. I don't like that he was the only guy to come around in 5 years and it ended up like this. I know things could be worse that's for sure but it still sucks.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she, in her very charasmatic, name-it, claim-it way made me realize (again) how much that does NOT appeal to me. And this trusting and finding God is going to be and look different than that. There's nothing wrong with that, I'm just different.
I know I'll be fine. I keep repeating that to myself. And if God wants to keep the drizzle going instead of the heavy rain and lightning bolts then ok. I'll go with it. Like I've said before I know now more of what I want and don't want. What do I want? To find a place I can someday call home. I want to find a place to stay for more than a few years at a time, I want to pay off my credit cards and go back to school. I will not live my life thinking I have to be married before I am "complete" or can be happy because that's not true. I want to be able to live my life instead of going through it feeling like I'm in a daze, which is how I've felt the last week or so.

ok time to start counting my money.

It's interesting when you keep getting reminded of the kind of person someone is. It makes me feel a little sorry for them. But I guess if that's the way they are ok being, then whatever. At least I don't have to deal with it. I am sad for the person though (like you don't know who I'm talking about).

I kinda hate to do this and it may not be a permanent thing but I have decided that it would be best if I go ahead and limit access to my blog. I've seen a couple of people do this and decided it would be easier than starting a whole new blog (maybe, thoughts on that anyone?). So, I now am going to limit access to people who I invite to read it. In order to do this I guess the easiest way is to leave me a comment with your e-mail address (I won't publish the comments) or if you know my e-mail address, e-mail me. We'll see how that works. I know it may be a pain but quite honestly since Dave hasn't stopped reading this I'm forcing him to. And it is really for no other reason than I just don't like that he can find out whatever he wants about me. He has no right anymore.

So over the next week or so I'll be inviting you as I get e-mail addresses. And then if I figure out that it may be too complicated then I'll just start a new blog.

I know life is like this but. . .it's really frustrating to go from feeling good and then over the course of the week go right back to feeling absolutely horrible.
It seems that it doesn't matter what I do I am just, overall, very discontent and unhappy.

I know I am still angry. And I know I still really haven't just been able to forgive myself. Or him. I'm trying.

I know I'll feel better eventually.

I hope. I'm just so tired. Of everything.

Oh my goodness, we're watching Ellen and she's on the phone with some old lady from Austin, Texas and the lady started a story with "I love Jesus but I drink a little." Ellen couldn't contain her laughter. It was hilarious. Ok at least I got to laugh today.

Something has to change. And soon.
I'm tired of this.

There are many things I am thinking about today. I don't have much motivation to actually write it. It wears me out thinking about it. But here goes.

One thing is how much I wish I could get out of here. But then also having no idea where to go really. Or what to do when I get there. Everything will be as uncertain as it is right now. Moving back to Denver means loading up all my stuff, paying who knows how much to move it all, finding a place to live, roommates, and a job. I try not to think about it because it's too overwelming. But the thought of staying here is just downright awful. Even if, God forbid, I stay here, I want to find a different place to live. I hate my apartment. Yesterday when I got home from shopping I just wanted to leave again.

I hate that I still think about him. I don't like that I am still up and down about it all. One day I feel like I'm content about it, one day I feel like it just happened yesterday.
Mom keeps saying she thinks there is a reason for this all. But really, I think it is just something that happened. I made a wrong choice. And now I'm just having to deal with it. I will, I know.
One day I'll get the hell out of here and I won't think of him as much.
Sometimes it just all comes back.

Oh well. It doesn't matter.

playing hooky

I took the day off from work today. I know I probably shouldn't have but I did.
And you'd think I'd be able to just sit and do nothing. But I couldn't. I couldn't sit still. So I went shopping. I needed to anyway. And it was very successful. I went to TJ Max (gasp!) and found pants and a shirt then went to Target and found more shirts. It was great. I still need to find shoes for work though. I couldn't find anything I liked.

I also went to the movies. I saw the movie Amazing Grace. It was good. I highly recommend it. I had all this stuff to say about it when I got out of the movie. Maybe I'll write about it later.

So now I'm home again and still not wanting to sit still. I finally have a night that I get to watch Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy and they're repeats that I've already seen. Figures.

You know, it sometimes really sucks coming home to an empty apartment.

There have been several times I've thought about getting a new blog. I probably use this too much as a substitute for keeping a personal journal and there are some things I can't write about because of who I know will be reading. Sometimes I think that I don't like that certain people know plenty of what's going on with me but I know nothing of what is going on with them.

So maybe I'll try to scale back a bit. I have said that before but it's never worked too well. I think I will at least make myself write something down in my journal or on my computer journal before I write here. That way I can edit my thoughts a bit more.

I read a bit of my entries from last spring. They are interesting.

I'm tired.

My sister sent me a letter the other day and included a copy of a devotional that she had read and thought I needed to read. It was about a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend and now at the age of 30 was afraid of being alone. And then learning to give that fear over to God.

And I wondered: "is that me? Am I actually afraid of being alone, as in never getting married?"

And the thing is I don't think I am. I know that if I never get married then I'll be ok. I'll be better than ok. I know that I don't NEED to get married. Do I want to? Yeah, I do still. But I know I want to wait until I'm ready and it's the right time and I'm not going to live my life thinking it won't be complete until I'm married. I have to be complete on my own. If that means waiting 5, 10, 15, 20 years or never then ok.

However, I do think that I am afraid of being alone, in the sense of not having that many friends around. It takes a LOT of effort for me and sometimes I am just not willing to make the effort. I've struggled with the fact that I'm not that outgoing but at the same time I still want to just be me. After I get more comfortable I am more outgoing. I refuse to think that the fact that I am shy is a huge flaw or something. But it does make it difficult. Sometimes I really just wish I had someone I could call up and hang out with around here. I do get lonely. And sometimes as much as I like talking to my parents, I want someone else to talk to.

I got to thinking again today about whether or not I should try to find a regular job here. I'm exhausted. I woke up today at like 8:40 and have to be at work at 9:30. And the next two days will be exactly the same. But I am still looking forward to moving in four months. So I don't know. At this point a regular full-time job means staying in Wichita. I know I could do it and be fine but...I don't know. Even though I've been feeling better the last few weeks, everything is still uncertain and I still don't know what I want to do. I'm more to a point that I just want to want what God wants (how many times can you use want in a sentence?) for me.

Even with everything so uncertain and being unsure of so much, I am sure that I'm ok, there is something (and maybe even someone) for me. And Jesus is covering me and holding on to me tight. Just like he always has.

It's official

I LOVE sushi.

I've been wanting to try it for quite awhile and today I finally did. It was awesome.

I just need to master chopsticks.

Keeping it Holy

Yesterday was my Sabbath. Ok some of you may be thinking well, duh, yesterday was Sunday but really, I'm serious, it was my Sabbath.
I worked all week and weekend. I had to work yesterday but before work I was able to relax and even though I had to complete some mundane tasks such as laundry, it was my Sabbath.
After Friday and Saturday I was exhausted. We had a huge group check into the hotel on Friday and I ended up being there until 12:30 am, then worked at the cable company on Saturday, then the hotel until around 11:30 pm. I had already decided that I wouldn't set my alarm but if I woke up in time I'd go to church. I did wake up in time but as I laid in bed thinking about how I needed to do laundry and go to the grocery store and still make it to work by 3, I got the sense that it would actually be more beneficial for me not to go to church. And I really think it was. I drank some coffee, got onto my computer (I could actually get online!). Then I just took my time and "rested" while I did my laundry, went to the store, got my mail. . .it was a BEAUTIFUL day here. I walked to the laundry room and I was just so. . .content. And relaxed. It was a day that I didn't mind that I was in Kansas. I just enjoyed the day. It was just wonderful. God allowed me to relax and rejuvenate and keep the Sabbath holy. Even though I didn't go to church, I worshipped, even while doing my laundry and the little tasks that would've been stressing me out all week because they wouldn't have gotten done for a few more days. I even worshipped while getting ready for work. I turned on some Jars and just enjoyed the time I had to myself. Nothing to worry about, just taking my time. It was great.

I have thought a lot about the Sabbath. At one point, Jesus said that the Sabbath was made for the man, not man for the Sabbath. God wanted a day where we could relax and worship Him. He knew that life can get so busy we forget to stop and breathe. He knew we needed a day to rest. Sometimes our circumstances don't allow that day of rest to be on Sunday. I learned that just because of my dad; his day to work was on Sunday. The pastor of where I go to church takes Friday as his Sabbath. While in college, I learned real quick to not even think that I wasn't going to not do homework on Sunday. At CCU, Friday ended up being my day to rest and not do anything. And now I feel like when I have a chance to rest, I take it, enjoy it, and it just is so wonderful, no matter what day it is. This week won't be as busy. I have a couple of nights off. Hopefully I'll catch up on some sleep and stuff I need to get done, including buying new shoes. My feet hurt so bad.

I love being able to worship in un-traditional ways. I love when I feel like God is saying "don't worry if you're not worshipping at a church service, do what you need to do." I felt like God gave me from 10 am until 3 pm as a gift (and even the rest of the day because it wasn't that busy at the hotel so I wasn't stressed there) and I accepted it and thanked him over and over for it.

OH! And I got a head start on Easter candy. I went to Target and passed by the candy aisle and my eyes lit up as I realized that it was the time of year for my Sweettarts Chicks, Ducks, and Bunnies. And then I laughed to myself as I remembered how a few years ago and I slipped up and said Chucks, Dicks, and Bunnies. Hehehehehe. I'm sure if anyone saw me in the candy aisle they would've thought I was insane or something.

Thanks to that time yesterday I feel like I can actually make through this week. Last week I felt like I was going to fall over.

And today is another beautiful day.

:-)

Fever

Apparently the rest of the country is experiencing severe thunderstorms, tornados, and lots of snow.
Here it is breezy, sunny, and although not as warm as yesterday, fairly warm and pleasant.

It's GORGEOUS here. I figure we're either just lucky and are going to miss all the bad weather or we're going to get slammed. And by bad, I just mean a bad snowstorm or tornado. Thunderstorms are ok (and welcome). I'm so sad; apparently it rained last night after I went to bed. I always miss the rain.

But anyway I started writing this because I am feeling the fever. Spring fever. I want it to be about 65 degrees and sunny and I want to go to the park and walk and soak up some sun. I'm stuck in this building all day long and it's depressing me. I need to go outside!

tired

I left the hotel at 12:30 last night. I woke up one minute before my alarm went off then hit the snooze for about 30 minutes before I actually got up. Ok maybe 40. I'm tired.

It's times like these that I wish I could find one job that paid enough but then again, working two jobs occupies my time which is good. And I only have four more months (!) of living here and I'm more and more convinced I don't want to stay here (although the other day I had to give up some control and tell God that if for some reason he wants me to stay here I will followed by a "i really hope I don't have to though"). I'm hoping I'm going to be able to start putting some money aside to help me cover the cost of moving. I keep looking at apartments in Denver and Lakewood. I think I may just try to find a place near to where I lived before. It's close to everything I want to be close to. Including TOTT! Oh man, last weekend all I could think about was wanting chinese food. I finally got some at the grocery store but nothing compares to TOTT.

I can't believe everything that has happened this year. Sometimes I think about it and I'm still just like "what the. . .?" Last year at this time he was no part of my life. I was concentrating on school and just living. It's still kinda funny how I ended up finding him. I had a dream about someone else that I hadn't seen in years and then tried looking him up on the internet. I had heard of good old myspace but thought it was a little ridiculous. Then I just decided to sign up. After finding a few other people, I thought of DC and was then amazed to actually find him. Even after our initial phone call to catch up I never thought we'd continue talking. But, alas, we did. Sure we had fun. It was good getting to know him. I'm not sorry for that. I must admit, though, I do wish I hadn't thought that I wanted it to be more. We would've been fine just staying friends. Sure after awhile we would've gotten to the point where we weren't talking as much but at least I would've been able to send a Christmas card and even send the kids birthday cards. Oh well. I do still miss having someone to talk to though. It was cool having someone that I looked forward to talking to. Hopefully this will make me be more careful and not rush into anything.

But you know, I love that I know that I really am ok and a lot better off now. I feel good that I'm doing what I need to do to get bills paid and stuff. And I feel good that I know even more now that I can be me. I don't have to hide the fact that I'm not perfect and I'm still figuring some stuff out. I don't have to apologize for that. I don't know why so much of the time I think I have to.

Ok back to work.