Bored

I'm bored, so I thought I'd write something.

So that movie I saw on Thursday, Amazing Grace. . .it was pretty good. I left a little depressed because the only thing I could think of was "what am I that passionate about that I would continue to fight for 15-20 or more years?" Um. . .nothing. . .this guy fought for like 20 years to abolish the slave trade. So much of the time I feel that I am passionate about different things but not in a position to do anything about it.

One of the lines in the movie struck me. I can't remember it exactly. William said something about his faith returning although there were no lightning bolts or anything like that. Then John Newton (played by Albert Finney) said something like God sometimes works like a light drizzle. . .drop by drop.
hmmm. How many times do we expect God to come at us like a lightning bolt? I have to admit, I'm a little tired of the drizzle. I sometimes wish that God would just do something immediately. I am tired of going from feeling better to feeling like I wish I wasn't even a. . . .ok even the thought of typing the rest of that thought is scary. And ridiculous. Because it's really not how I feel.
But God continues to drizzle on me. Drop by drop. Is there really something wrong with me actually being happy and joyful? I want the instances of me actually knowing that I'll be ok to become greater in number. Right now they are too far apart. I know it's probably because I just hold on to things a lot longer than I should. Sometimes it's hard not to just want to bash him and blame him for everything even though I know not everything was his fault. We just. . .made a mistake. We thought there could be more to our relationship and we were wrong. Simple as that. I still don't like that I am still here and in this situation though. I don't like that he was the only guy to come around in 5 years and it ended up like this. I know things could be worse that's for sure but it still sucks.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she, in her very charasmatic, name-it, claim-it way made me realize (again) how much that does NOT appeal to me. And this trusting and finding God is going to be and look different than that. There's nothing wrong with that, I'm just different.
I know I'll be fine. I keep repeating that to myself. And if God wants to keep the drizzle going instead of the heavy rain and lightning bolts then ok. I'll go with it. Like I've said before I know now more of what I want and don't want. What do I want? To find a place I can someday call home. I want to find a place to stay for more than a few years at a time, I want to pay off my credit cards and go back to school. I will not live my life thinking I have to be married before I am "complete" or can be happy because that's not true. I want to be able to live my life instead of going through it feeling like I'm in a daze, which is how I've felt the last week or so.

ok time to start counting my money.