Faith

I've been thinking a lot about faith the last few days, weeks, months. . .years. . .

Now after the last few days, it seems I can't get the whole faith thing right so, I wonder, what's the point? A few months ago I was wanting to go to church and I was intent of really doing the whole trusting God thing. I really wanted to work on my relationship and really try to live it out.

Now I'm closer to saying "f*** it."

My mother keeps telling me to depend on God, look to him, yada, yada, yada and I just get so frustrated because I'm trying! I've been trying for most of my damn life. God has been a constant presence and topic in my life all my life. Even before I was freakin born. I was surrounded by it ALL THE TIME. And I ALWAYS felt out of place and not like everyone else I was always around. I never managed to get it "right."

And I'm still like that. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. God keeps just being silent and I'm tired of waiting. If he's not going to do anything with me why doesn't he just leave me the hell alone?
But do I really want him to? Do I want God to just turn his back on me? Do I really want to turn my back on him? I know how I'd be if I wasn't trying to depend on God and it scares me.

I just know that things have to be different and soon. I can't take this much longer.