Christmas fun

I don't know where to begin. . .

I had a great Christmas. And with the exception of the "I don't want to go back there" mood I was in yesterday, it was a perfect trip.

After I got to my parent's house on Saturday mom and I got to cooking. I made an apple pie. Ok well, I mixed cinnamon and sugar with the apples that my wonderful daddy peeled and sliced for me, put them into the pie pan with the store-bought pie crust (which is really really good), then popped it into the oven. It was absolutely wonderful.
Then I made my chocolate-nutella truffles. It was so much fun! I felt like a kid playing in mud. I got to dig my hands into chocolate, roll it in balls then dunk them into melted chocolate and coat them in crushed hazelnuts. It was so much fun. And more importantly they tasted really good. I also have my dad to thank for cracking the hazelnuts. He's so helpful doing the things nobody likes to do too much. And plus he can do it while sitting in his chair watching TV ;-)
Mom made some things too (including her baklava) and we listened to Christmas music all afternoon.

Saturday night after enjoying a meal of chicken enchiladas (made by yours truly), we all went to see The Pursuit of Happyness. It was excellent. It's an amazing story. My favorite part is when Will Smith's character is at a church during worship and his son is sitting next to him. In the midst of the singing and people lifting their hands, he sits down, picks up his son, and holds him tight. What a picture. I love when Jesus shows up in the movies.

We went to my sister's on Sunday to open up presents then opened more presents later that night after Aaron got off work. I got some fun stuff, including much wanted Cardinals World Series loot. OH! And more to say about my wonderful dad. He got me a DVD with two Cary Grant movies including Charade which I've been wanting for a real long time! I kept wanting him to tape it for me off TV when it was on but he found it on DVD for me. In case you don't know what the movie is, it's the movie that Vivian is watching at one point in Pretty Woman. "did you say marriage license? Oh I love you, Peter, Alex, whatever your name is." Along with Cary Grant, it has Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matheau, and James Colburn.

My neice and nephew are so cute. Morgan loved her CD and Jackson was a goofball when he opened his present. I got him his thing called Illustory. You write and illustrate and story then mail it in and the company makes a hard-bound book for you. Morgan got one from her cousin when we went to Mississippi and you could tell Jackson wanted one too. Well when he opened it, Morgan said "Jackson you got what you wanted!" and then Jackson said, "I didn't really want it, but I still like it." Ha! That boy kept looking at it and talking about it all the way back from Mississippi. I bet he'll do a good job, especially with his illustrations.

There was a candlelight/communion service at Dad's church Sunday night. Mom got a special treat: I sang per her request. She loved it, but of course, I thought I did horrible. I haven't sung in awhile and it was a song that I didn't know all that well and I didn't have much practice. Oh well, I was happy to do it for her. It made me think of how much I miss singing and wish I could do it more often. I don't really have the chance nowadays.

And of course Christmas day itself was great. As usual we went to my grandparents and had a great dinner. Then came time to open presents. It's so funny; we all cram into my grandparents' living room which isn't all that big. I think there were about 20 of us all together. The most fun is after opening presents. We have a wrapping paper fight. I don't really remember how it got started, I think it was when my cousin's kids were little, but every year now we throw wrapping paper at each other. It's the highlight of the day. This year, it seemed to be my uncle's mission (along with my cousin's little boy and a couple of the other kids) to hit me with every piece of wrapping paper he came across. I think the best part is watching my 80-year-old grandpa sitting back in his easy chair with his feet up, collecting wads of wrapping paper with a sly look on his face, then hitting someone square in the head! It's hilarious!

It was a wonderful weekend, although way too short. It was really hard for me to come back. And unfortunately it put me in a sour mood all day. I could barely make it through lunch at steak-n-shake without crying. But I got back ok, work was ok, and I am all unpacked and gettng my apartment cleaned up.

I had an amazing time. I love Christmas. I'm so thankful I got to be with my family.

more blah

In an episode of Sex & the City, Charlotte comments that it should only take half the amount of time you date someone to get over them. So, given her line of reasoning I should've been over Dave by now.
I'm not.
Good thing I don't take what's said on Sex & the City to mean anything.

For the most part I have been doing pretty good. It's getting easier to not think of him (or at least think of him and be completely sad). Yesterday, however, was more difficult. There were tissues involved. I still miss him. Sometimes I wonder if I really just miss having someone to talk to and maybe that's it to a certain extent but I really do miss him.

I know I shouldn't put a time limit on getting over all this but I hope it doesn't take long.

I do have something I'm thankful for about living in Kansas; if I was still in Denver I'd be possibly unable to get to IL for Christmas because of the huge snowstorm today. None of the bad weather came this far east so it looks like I'll have pretty good weather for driving, I hope.

I found a recipe for chocolate and nutella truffles covered with hazelnuts...mom and I are going to try to make some on Saturday. They sound so yummy!!!! I can't wait!

Randomness

It's no secret that there have been many times when I haven't handled all this break-up/stuck in Kansas business very well. And it's no secret that I haven't exactly been the nicest when it comes to my treatment of Dave. And because of something that happened a few days ago, that I won't go into, I've realized I have continued, without really meaning to, I think, to be unfair towards him. Even though all this has been harder on me than him, I know he didn't like what happened anymore than I did. I can go on forever about what all went wrong but it can't change anything. I am still hurt and sad. . .and I think more angry at myself than anything. I hate that I've lost someone again that always meant so much to me.
I know my situation isn't anything compared to others. . .hell, not even as bad as Dave's but I have been better at letting myself be sad but at the same time gain some perspective. There's a girl whose blog I read that is my age and lost her husband to cancer. Talk about putting things into perspective and making you realize life is a piece of cake.

Today I had a very "I can't believe I live in Kansas" day. Although over the last few weeks I've been feeling better I still feel so stuck here. Super-easy or not this job of mine is already getting old. It's amazing how you can point right at a building not even 50 yards away and people still don't know where you're telling them to go. oh well.
Also just my financial situation is frustrating. After I graduated I had it all planned out, I'd work for a few years until I got my credit cards paid off and then go to grad school. I had a good enough paying job, a fairly inexpensive place to live, I didn't have to worry about anything. Now though, I am lucky if I actually have the money to pay all my bills, which again gets me thinking about how if only I wasn't so stupid and irresponsible I wouldn't be in a situation where only getting paid $10 an hour isn't good enough. And it's all my fault. Trying not to worry, trying not to worry. . . .

I want to be able to just be here and stick it out, do the whole trusting God thing and I guess learn something from all this. But I feel so stuck and feel like I'm wasting time and getting nowhere.

But at the same time, I feel like somehow, someway staying here will mean that I will prove that I can make it. And something good will come out of all this. I still think that if I moved to IL I wouldn't have been much happier. And I would've felt like I just ran home crying with my tail between my legs. Who knows. I definitely feel like staying here was the right decision even though I seem to question it quite a bit. I guess it's just because I want something to be stable and certain and not much is right now. Except for the fact I will be here until June.

Christmas is almost here...I'm so excited. I just had another viewing of White Christmas and may have to watch While You Were Sleeping tomorrow night. I'm all ready for the holiday except Aaron's scarf is still not finished and I have no idea what to get my brother-in-law. I'll think of something I suppose. I'll get to spend most of Saturday at my parents'. I think I will have to see about making some apple pie or some fudge or something. Last year I made a really good cake. Hmmmm oh my goodness what about fudge with ferrero rocher crumbled on top? OH MY GOSH that sounds good! Or truffles. . .hmmm! OOO I"m getting excited!!!

And I also decided that someday I want to make hot buttered rum. I've always wanted to because of watching White Christmas.

Here's to. . . .

1) Here's to the reason I like football. ;-)

Tom Brady is available!!! (that would be the very very good-looking quarterback of the New England Patriots)

2) Here's to not feeling bad about using a dishwasher for the small amount of dishes one person uses.

This last week I ran out of dishwasher soap so I told myself I would just stick to doing dishes by hand. It worked! I kept up with washing them. However, today I got paid and decided if I have a dishwasher, then I should just go ahead and take advantage of it. So I went to buy soap today. :-D

3) Here's to knitting really really fast for the next week or so.

I need to knit. My brother asked me to knit him a scarf for Christmas so I am. He wants it about 6 feet long. I have about a foot finished.

4) Here's to Christmas being only 10 days away!

I'm excited about Christmas. I can't wait.

Cynism rears its ugly (?) head

I think I spelled cynism right.
One of the things that has happened as a result of this whole relationship breakup thing is my doubt about the point of male/female relationships, marriage, and all that is involved in it. I realize that I really have no idea what marriage is. I don't know what the point of it is. It was always this normal thing that surrounded me and in the past few years many of my friends have taken part in the whole marriage thing...I always thought I wanted to take part in it someday myself. But now. . .I'm not so sure. I keep wondering, really, what's the point?

Years and years ago, women didn't have much without getting married. There weren't many job opportunities. They'd be more likely to have to live with parents or other family members, with not much of anything of their own. It was expected a woman get married so they had a man to take care of them and provide for them.
Now, however, a woman doesn't need a man to take care of them and provide for them. They can do it on their own. Job opportunities are endless and women can live fine on their own. The majority of women have established careers before they even think of getting married, if they do at all. Nowadays a single woman isn't necessarily looked at as a bad thing. They get married because they want to not because they have to.

Back in January and February I was getting more and more ok with my single status. I hadn't had a guy interested in me in a long time and I was fine with it. Even now, the lonliness I feel isn't because I don't have a boyfriend, it's just because I don't have any friends around here and still feel a little unsettled here. I know for a fact that if I remain single for the next 5, 10, 20 years or for the rest of my life I will be fine. I will eventually go back to school, have a career, someday buy my own house, and all that other adult stuff (it better include a kick-ass car) and be absolutely fine. I can lead a completely full and meaningful life without being married. I knew all this before the relationship but still I could say that marriage was something I wanted someday. I wanted a husband that would be a partner and raise a family. I felt it was a meaningful and good thing.

But now. . .I'm not so sure. I have realized that I don't really know what the point of marriage is. The only benefit I can think of is, well, the sex part. But, really, one can live without having sex. Nuns and monks do it all the time. It won't be the end of the world if I never have sex. Apparently I'm no good at the relationship thing and really I don't think I want the possibility of being hurt like this again. I'm really really tired of it. It's too much. I'm not one of those women who can just walk away and just be ok after falling in love. But I wonder if any of those women really can just be OK. Anyway, I keep thinking of all the things I want to do and places I want to go and getting married (especially to a guy who doesn't make a lot of money and has four kids) would mean not getting to do that stuff. I don't see the benefit of marriage at all.

Really what's the point? I don't know anymore. I don't know why I would chose to have another person in my life that could end up hurting me so deeply over being single and sticking with being close to friends and family. Yes, I would love to have kids but I don't want to have kids unless I think I could raise them properly. And maybe I just can't. And hell nowadays I don't even need a husband to raise a kid. However, I still think it's better to have a mother and a father....although if a kid doesn't have either, just a mother or just a father is better than nothing.

All this thinking is making me wonder if I'm thinking like this because I've been hurt. . . Or is this because I am going to remain single and need to get used to that fact? What if I am destined to find a husband but this has turned me into being enough of a cynic that I won't ever give another guy a chance? But I really really can't handle the thought of being hurt like this again. I can't stand the thought of some guy coming along, making me think he loves me, then just drops me like wet rag. I can't stand the thought of it. The thought of getting hurt again is worse than the thought of never having sex.

That's cynism for you.

My specialty

I have a wonderful specialty. Something that I'm so good at and will probably always be very good at. Wanna know what it is? Ok, here it is, my specialty: WORRYING!!!!
I am so good at worrying, freaking out, getting totally down on myself, and making myself feeling like a failure and of no use at all.
And then something happens. In this case, this week, it was in the form of a job. I was freaking out and getting all worried because I didn't have a job. I worked 3 days last week. Friday I started a new job through the temp agency. I already hate it. I hope it only lasts a couple of weeks. I stand up all day and tell people where to go to get equipment and make payments. It's at a cable company. The only good thing about the job is that maybe they'll decide they like me and offer me a full time job which means getting free cable and internet. How cool would that be? (answer: very cool) However it would be a job that probably involves working with the general public (customer service, etc) and I don't think I'd be very good at that. The general public annoys me too much. Val told me I need to get a job in research. I am inclined to agree with her.
But even though it's not that great, I'm thankful I have it. I think it'll help me to make contacts and get my name out to some places which will hopefully lead to something more permanent. Even though more permanent would mean staying in Kansas which I would definitely have mixed feelings about. I'm getting to the point where I'm a little freaked about possibly not being able to move for awhile. Maybe that's only because it seems like June is years and years away.

So the freaking out and worrying was for nothing. Yet another lesson in the journey of realizing maybe, just maybe God really is looking after me. And not only that, maybe really actually wants something good for me. Maybe. ;-)

I admit, I am still lonely. Not, boyless lonely, just lonely. I'm going to make it a point to maybe introduce myself to a pastor or two at church on Sunday. There's a dessert brunch before the Christmas concert next week, so maybe I'll meet some people there. And after the new year, I want to get involved in Sunday school (maybe) and a Bible study (definitely). I think it'll be good to be involved even if I'm not here very long.

So things are going pretty good. I don't feel badly about sitting around not doing anything now since I'm working. I'm pretty much completely broke but that will change in a few weeks. I'll make it.

That's all for now.

blah blah blah

I've noticed that I'm not too into writing on this lately. It just feels like I write the same stuff over and over. I'm up, I'm down, I'm happy, I'm sad, I hate stupid boy, I love stupid boy...yada yada yada. All the same stuff over and over.
The same is true with my trying to reestablish the habit of journaling. I gave myself too much of a break over Thanksgiving and it's been hard to get back to it. Yesterday I wrote about how I did not have the motivation to write. I figure there's gotta be something to writing about not wanting to write.

I'm happy Christmas is coming. I only have a few more presents to buy. I have basically completed all my Christmas shopping online. It's nice. Stores are too crowded. It sometimes ruins my Christmas cheer. I wish I had more Christmas decorations. I put some more lights up and I have a buttercream vanilla candle that is absolute heaven.

I have re-started watching my Gilmore Girls DVDs. I really miss having TV. Although I get really tired of sitting and watching TV. I start getting stir-crazy. Then I think of how I'm supposed to be knitting but I only seem to get a few little rows done then get tired of it.

I'm tired of missing stupid guy. It's getting old. I'm tired of wasting my emotions, thoughts, and tears on him. He's not worth it. I've been doing pretty good but every once in awhile it all comes back. I need to remember to tell myself "it's his loss" rather than "why didn't he want me?" It's hard sometimes but I'm getting better at it.

Ok back to gilmore girls

IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!! YAY!!!! And now that I'm done driving in it I can enjoy it. WOOHOO!!!

Thanksgiving highlights!

I had an absolutely wonderful week. There is just too much to write about so here are some highlights:

I ate at Steak-N-Shake twice!!!

My cousin Brian had surgery on his back a week before Thanksgiving (as a result of a very bad car accident last year) and he's doing well. He explained to me what they did which was cool and he at one point made a comment about "dumb Dave," which made my day that my cousin Brian who I really don't know that well would have that kind of opinion in my defense. He went to church camp a couple of times and remembered him. . .and apparently made some kind of not-so-nice comment about him. hehehe :-) I like my cousin. He's pretty cool.

I got to go to Mississippi with my sister, her kids, my mom, my aunt, my uncle, and my grandparents. It was great! We ate at Cracker Barrel for breakfast on the way down there and the way back. On the way back I had my grandma help me organize all the family members. We spent time with many of her neices and nephews (and their kids) that were all the children of just one of her siblings! There were seven kids and all of them had at least 2 or 3 of their own. Big family! We had Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday and there were at least 40 people. Oh and I have a confession to make: there is a cousin I really wish I wasn't related to! What's funny is it's the guy who when he was 5 years old he had a huge crush on me (I was like 11). hehehe, I know I'm weird! Let's just say he grew up to be a very handsome man. . .complete with Wrangler jeans. Oh and it's hilarious listening to them all talk! My Aunt Ruby has one of the thickest southern accents I've ever heard! When I was little I'd start talking like them.

We went to visit a 99-year-old aunt in the nursing home and at one point she said (complete with a Southern accent) "I wish you'd put me in my bed, my butt's startin to hurt!" It was hilarious!! I wish I had a recording.

I got to spend a lot of time with my neice and nephew. My nephew has a personality! He's like a little boy! I can't describe it very well, but he has grown up so much. He still loves to draw and is always doodling on something. He's more outgoing than Morgan, she's still the quiet, sweet little girl she's always been. Of course, being brother and sister they have their moments of pushing each other's buttons but then they do things like rest their heads on each other's shoulders and it's just adorable. They've grown up so much.

Today I put my Christmas tree up, listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra (and downloaded a ringtone of theirs), and cleaned my apartment! It was a very productive day. I watched Meet Me in St. Louis, While You Were Sleeping, and now I'm watching White Christmas for the first time this holiday season. I tried watching it a couple of weeks ago but I couldn't. . .this Dave thing almost ruined it for me (it's one of his favorite movies)! How sad would that have been! But now I'm good. Someday I'll find someone else to watch all my old movies with. It's his loss, I'm wonderful ;-)

Ok I guess that was a little bit more than just highlights. It was such a good week. I loved spending time with my family. It was just relaxing and enjoyable...and I really feel happy. I think it'll be ok for me to be here in Wichita and I'm not going to worry about what going to happen. If I ever move back to IL it'll be because I really want to and it's where I'm supposed to be.

I'm so excited about the holidays!!! I can't wait until Christmas.

Another change of plans

In the days that I made the decision to move back to IL, I couldn't sleep, I got stressed out, and felt absolutely horrible. I kept thinking about having to pack all my stuff up again, making trips back and forth to get all my stuff, and having to clean out the apartment in Hartford. It basically was turned into a storage shed.
I'm not moving. I'm going to stay here for now. If I stay now I have a better chance of getting to move back to Denver which is where I'd rather be anyway. No I'm not thrilled with the idea of staying here, I'm still quitting my job at the hotel and don't actually have another job lined up right now but I'm staying. And I do feel ok about the decision. I'm still going to IL for Thanksgiving, then to Mississippi to visit family down there, then I will come back to Kansas.

A few days ago I got really down and scared and depressed. I don't like being like that but then I realized I don't have to be. It's not me. It doesn't have to be who I am. Then I did something I still think of as being a little hokey and too-Christiany but I did it and I feel better. I had a power moment. I realized that the depressed, wishing she wasn't alive Jodie is NOT who I am and it was the devil really trying to get at me. Telling me that once again I wasn't good enough, that I am of no worth. So I told him to stop fucking with me. Literally that's what I said, out loud. I said he has no power over me and the things he keeps trying to make me believe aren't true. I belong to Christ. I was bought with a price. Even now the thought of it and that night gives me a sense of peace, freedom, and power. I'm still going to be sad. I'm still confused as to why all this has happened. But more so I'm convinced that I will be ok, even if I'm in Kansas. And I won't have to be here forever just a few more months. I'm going to lean on Christ for my strength and understanding.

I guess maybe it is not that hokey.

Jeans

Ok before I get to the really good news I will start off by saying that this weekend has been from hell. I have fought and fought with my decision to move. I still can't say for sure I know I am going to move. Right now the thought of it is overwelming but the thought of staying here is scaring me just as much. Dave isn't disappointed to see me go. Actually I don't know he didn't really say anything except, "I don't know what to say." So anyway I feel like there is this huge battle raging in me, and it's just frustrating. I still don't like being the one who is all unahppy and he can go on and be fine and seriously if he ends up with someone before I do I think I'm just going to give up. I get sick of being the one screwed over and trampled on only to be the one who continues to be alone.
Anyway. . . .
When I saw Dave on Friday to get my stuff, he commented that I had lost weight. Which I figured I had lost a little because there were some jeans that fit a little looser but I didn't think too much of it. But then I tried on some jeans and other pants that I haven't been able to wear for at least a year and they fit! In fact, a few more pounds and they'll be too big. The ones I'm wearing now are almost too baggy (of course that doesn't say much I've always been a fan of snug fitting pants). So I'm super excited! I haven't even really been trying. I just was trying to not gain too much. I'm going to keep not trying and see if I can get rid of the rest of this belly of mine.

5 years ago I had dropped out of GC and was living by myself and was very unhappy and depressed most of the time.
2 years ago I was on anti-depressants and pretty much, I realized, on the verge of having a drug and alcohol-abuse problem (I was basically mixing anti-depressants, alcohol and sleeping pills).
One year ago I was starting to feel better. By January and February I was happier, more content, and hopeful.
Less than six months later I feel like the same person I was 5 years ago and 2 years ago. I don't like it. I want January back.

the thought of moving is stressing me out. wednesday night i didn't fall asleep until after 4 am then had to get up at 9. i started getting tired later but couldn't take a nap because i was going to have to get up at 5 am to get to work at 6 friday morning. well then i woke up. talked on the phone with a few people...including dave. i had called him that afternoon then again at about 10 pm and then 2 hours later (after being told he'd call me right back) he called. there wasn't much to say. my graduation dress was at his house and so i needed to get it back. so then i was wide awake on thurs night and didn't sleep until about 2 and woke up by 4:30. and last night i was still wide awake (not tired at all) by 11 pm. I finally took a sleeping pill and fell asleep. and slept until 10 am. It felt good.

so i saw dave yesterday. the whole time i was trying to fight tears. Only two escaped at one point. we chatted for a bit. i gave him the card that i had gotten for one of his son's birthday that is next week. and then even though i kept telling myself i didn't want him to hug me, he did. i kept thinking that i didn't want to remember what it was like for him to hug me. i didn't want to remember what it was like. but now i do. now i remember what its like. i didn't want to let go.

but the thing is he is not sad that i'm going. he doesn't miss me. he doesn't wish i would stay. and then i hate that he said "see you later" when he left when i know we won't see each other. and i hate that he said "talk to you later" at times when he won't talk to me unless i talk to him. he still never asks me how i am. i guess maybe he figures he knows that i'm not doing that great and doesn't want to be reminded that he was a part of that. he knew about my walgreens thing but he didn't hear it from me...i know who he heard it from. I was dumb enough to tell good old music minister and i'm sure she mentioned it to him. i hate that he finds out something about me from her.

the nearest chipotle will be like 3 hours away. and there isn't a supertarget close to where i'm going to to live. i love supertarget, i shop there for everything. and now i'm going to have to shop at a little target and go to a regular grocery store. at least there's steak n shake except i am still going to be trying to lose weight so i can't go that often. the thing with chipotle is that almost everything is blood type friendly. i can go there and what i eat is almost all completely ok for me to eat. and deciding to eat a few blood type unfriendly things are ok because the majority is ok. i am crazy. who cares if there's no chipotle. i'll be able to see my family.
I am going to try and be good about visiting my grandparents. I think that would be fun to get to know them a little better. maybe grandma and I can cook together. and of course my sister will be an hour away. parents are close but not too close.
and of course there's good shopping not that far away. not that i can actually buy anything.

but the thing is, i'm tired of moving. everything is so uncertain. I thought I was moving here to settle down. i was looking forward to it. and now i have no idea what is going to happen. part of me feels like moving back to IL means i couldn't make it. i feel like it means that i'm slinking home, ashamed, with my tail between my legs, and that i'm no different than when i left. i was the one who couldn't wait to get out of IL and now I'm going back. and of course people will know why I am back. i can't afford to go back to denver. plus i do want to be closer to my family. and i know that even if i go back now doesn't mean i will always be there. i could still end up somewhere else when i go back to school.

when i told him that i loved him and that i was committed to the relationship i meant it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy and i knew there would be things that would be hard to figure out. but i was in and it didn't take him long to figure out that he wasn't in. he didn't want me. and even though at times i can have the attitude of "it's his loss," the truth is he didn't want me. he didn't want me. everything was like a big joke. and that just devastates me. but it's tiring crying over someone who doesn't cry over me and it's tiring missing someone who doesn't miss me. which i know why it's probably best for me to go because it'll make it easier to stop missing him.

i just don't like that everything is so uncertain and i have no idea about anything. i don't like that i was reminded of what it is like to have his arms wrapped around me, holding me...and i don't like that i had to look in his eyes and see someone that i still love so much, despite everything.

who says you can't go home

That Bon Jovi song gets on my nerves.

So here's the news: I'm going back to Illinois. Not really my first choice but I want to get out of Kansas. It hurts too much being here. I don't like always being reminded of everything. And plus I need to stop being alone and be around people who love and care about me. I don't want to be alone all the time. And I'm not talking about the no-boy alone just the no friends, no family, nothing alone.

I am looking forward to it. I'm going to go back to the apartment in Hartford. Katie is living in the house so if she's ever around I can see her. And my sister will be an hour away, my parents 2 1/2 (close but not too close), Kyle and Sarah are an hour away. I'll have people who I have grow to love and trust and I know will always care about me.

I'm going to move before Thanksgiving. I'll have to make a few trips to get all my stuff; dad is going to work on securing a trailer to haul stuff like furniture. And I have to clean out the apartment; it kinda turned into a storage shed after mom and dad moved the last time. I may have to crash at someone's house for a bit until I can get settled.

Here's to me and my super-quick moving decisions!

Blue Like Jazz

I found a book this afternoon that I can't put down and I am probably going to stay up reading it even though I'm getting tired and I have that interview tomorrow.
It's called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. And I want everyone in the world to read it. ;-) I'm sure there are people who wouldn't like it but I love it. Tonight I have been overcome with laughter, joy, sadness, lonliness, and wonder. I have been convinced of christ's love for me and his unwillingness to let me go and been angry once again about why he brought me to a place that I would end up alone (thanks to the chapter about the living in the community stuff).

It's a really good book. I'm going to finish it now.

I lied

Did you know there are a lot of things you need a computer and internet for? Like paying bills, looking up phone number and addresses for potential jobs, and a brief weak moment when I went to sephora.com...

And now I have a decision to make: do I take a job at walgreens or try to find an administrative job through the temp agency that I have an interview with on Thursday?

So, yes, Walgreens called to find out if I'm still interested in the pharmacy tech position. I am but it doesn't pay much more than what I make now, so I'd have to continue to work at the hotel (which SUCKS nowadays and I am going to end up working on Thanksgiving which means being here all alone and that will suck big time). Of course, working at Walgreens will allow me to get certified as a pharmacy tech which means I could make more money eventually like at a hospital or something. Or I could stay at Walgreens which has pretty good benefits.

On Thursday I have a an interview at a temp agency, one that when I look at the available jobs, they all look like they pay pretty well. Of course who knows what kind of job I'd end up with. And I don't know about benefits or anything yet.

So I could either end up working 2 jobs, one of which I have wanted for awhile now but won't make that much money or potentially get a pretty well-paying administrative job. I told the manager at walgreens I'd let her know if I was still interested by Friday.

Any advice? I'm really not sure what to do.

I'm still going to stay away from the computer except for like one time a day or two.

man...

I just realized that taking a break from this laptop of mine means not getting to watch grey's anatomy online.

oh well. . .I'm sticking with it. I'll catch up on grey's when I get back.

A break

I started thinking about this yesterday. . .I need a break. I'm not sure what I need a break from. I can't take a break from work. As much as I want to completely leave Kansas I don't think I can right now. The only way would be to partially move, find somewhere to live for free and save up enough money to be able to get out of my lease. However, the only way I know of to do that is to go to IL, i.e. Hartford. And unfortunately someone is living in the house now and the apartment is now Dad's storage facility. So I guess that's out. I think I'd rather move back to Denver anyway.

Anyway so because I can't leave completely I decided that somehow I need a focused time to think, pray, and try to figure things out. I can't go on the way things are right now.

So I think I'm going to take a break including a break from my computer. There is too much temptation to look at old pictures, old videos, myspace profiles, stuff that I really really want to buy (the urge to buy a camera and a purse is sometimes very overwelming). Everytime I open up my e-mail I'm tempted to look at all the old e-mails which so far I can't get rid of. And there is a dash of disappointment at the fact there are no more fun and loving e-mails from someone.

So I am going to try to stay away from my computer. I am going to try to stay away from stores (unless it's to get some yarn to knit or a book). All the credit cards are cut up anyway however I still manage to use them online sometimes. I am going to pray, write, read, knit, quilt, cook, bake, whatever. I want to somehow figure something out. And even if it is the knowledge that I will definitely be ok then great. I have no peace right now. It continues to make me upset to know that I have all these pieces to pick up while he's able to go on living his life as though I don't exist. And I really don't know what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be able to wake up and not be sad and not think of him.

So now I begin an "at-home" retreat. Or at least a retreat at the place I happen to live. I'm not sure how long its going to last but somehow things have to be different.

See you when I get back.

I still miss him. I know he doesn't miss me at all. But I miss him.

I rearranged my living room yesterday. I put my TV in the living room. I was tired of always laying in bed watching tv. Now I just lay on my couch and watch tv.

See? I'm learning to appreciate the good days. And I know they'll be more. So far though today isn't one of them.

oh well.

Today

Today I. . . .

rearranged my living room.
had fun at work.
made $20 in tips.
listened to "Fishin in the Dark" without crying.
was laughing just cause. . .no reason, just wanted to.
had a very handsome black man from NYC flirt with me.
felt like me again.

I don't know if I will be like that tomorrow but I figure everyday I feel like me is a good thing. Today was a good day and it ended good too, thanks to wonderful hot cocoa and some Jars music.

I have no fear of drowning....

...it's the breathing that's taking all this work. -Jars of Clay "Work"

I am continuing on a journey that over the last like 7 years has been hard, scary, confusing, frustrating and something that has made me stand in awe and amazement one moment and cry and scream the next.
And now I continue on this journey and it seems like it will be just as hard, scary, confusing, and frustrating as it always has been. I'm hoping, though, that there will be some joy mixed in with that. I started seeing a mix of some joy & happiness (which I do believe are two different things) earlier this year and somehow before I knew it, lost it again.
This journey I speak of is life and in my case, this life of mine involves trusting a sometimes seemingly far away, yet very personal Christ. Many times I've wanted to completely close him out of my life but he never really let me. He let me do my own thing for awhile but he never actually let me shut him out completely. As much as sometimes I hated it, he was always right there.

Now I am faced with the fact that I have nothing else to turn to. If anything, being in Kansas has made me see that I really do need God. I can't make all this work on my own. So the journey of try to really trust God is continuing on. I'm not sure how to do it exactly.

I bought My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I bought it for a couple of reasons: 1) it was only $5; 2) it's been around for a long time so I think maybe there's something more to it than just fluffy stuff you'd find in a newer devotional; 3) I'd always heard of it and wanted to get it. So far it's really good. Sometimes I have to read and reread a few times just so it sinks in.
One of things I've always struggled with is how I feel like my relationship with God is compared (and I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard sometimes) to other people's. Coming from the Methodist church it was all about going to church every Sunday, reading a chapter from the Bible everyday and spending a set amount of time in prayer. The relationship with God and how to achieve it was put in a nice pretty easy to accept package. However, what happens when the Bible seems to do nothing but confuse? What happens when you sit to pray and there are no words that come out? What happens when you start doubting the validity all everything you had ever been taught?
I know many people have been there. Probably a lot more than would ever actually admit it too.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be authentic, real, and honest. I'm not afraid to tell him when I am angry and confused. I am not afraid to tell him that I do not want to worship him. And right now I am not afraid to tell him that I am scared as hell. I have nothing to put hope in except for Christ. And it's freaking scary!!

In yesterday's reading from MUFHH (hehehehe that looks funny) it said "Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it is revelation sense, and it reaches the shores where common sense fails. Faith must be tried before the reality of faith is actual. 'We know that all things work together for good.' then no matter what happens, the alchemy of god's providence transfigures the ideal faith into actual reality."

And also: "To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes. God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real."

I still want to be a Christian who is real and honest. Somehow I want to care about poeple who the church dismisses. I want people to say "you're a Christian? you're not like other Christians I've met" and the wonder why. And then somehow I want to show them who Christ really is. But I still wonder if I really know....

I read John 6 yesterday. It's full of teaching that confused a lot of people and even made some of Jesus's disciples decide to stop following. I wonder why Jesus did that. If he wants people to be saved and believe why did he teach something that would made some turn away? Something is think about. . .

Post #200

So apparently this is my 200th post. Break out the champagne...(I wish)

I went grocery shopping today and bought good, healthy stuff. Lettuce, broccoli, sprouts, etc. I'm going to eat healthy if it kills me (which is I guess the reason I want to eat healthy so that I avoid the killing part by eating chips and drinking soda). I worked out 3 times last week. I'm going to work up to 4-5 times. This belly of mine has got to go. I think I lost a little bit of weight lately; my jeans seem to be fitting a little loose. Here's to eating right for your blood type (whether it really works or not, it's easy to follow).

It is like 75 degrees outside here. That's way too warm for the end of October. I want to wear sweaters and a coat. It's supposed to be 50 tomorrow but that's still too warm for almost being November.

When I went grocery shopping I also had to buy comfort food, or beverage rather. Double chocolate hot cocoa which I will make with milk (the thought of making it with soy milk is too disgusting) and flavor with a tiny bit of peppermint schnapps. ;-)
I believe I will also eat some popcorn.

Last night I realized that even though I'm sad and wish I wasn't here, I am not as desperate as the other girl who moved out here to be with a guy. All she cares about is finding a husband. I've worked with her the last few nights and I'm just like "oh my gosh you're never going to find someone if you're obsessed about it." Ok I won't say that but I want to.
I mean, yes I'm disappointed and a little more sad than I really want to be but if I have to be single for a long time still (I figured I was going to be anyway) then I know I'll be ok. I'll work for awhile, pay off my bills, go to med school or PA school and be fine. I'll be happy again someday. Someday I will stop thinking of Dave and stop thinking of four little kids who I really wish I could buy birthday and christmas presents for. Someday I'll be fine. Better than fine. I'll be great. I'll be happy again.

Something I forgot to mention about the hot cocoa. . .there's also Redi-Whip. I've never actually bought Redi-Whip before. . .it's not too bad.

ok it's a little late but. . .

The Cardinals WON! They WON!!! The St. Louis Cardinals are the World Series Champions!!!!
Ok I'm a couple of days late on that one but as happy as I am the last few days have just made me sad. Or. . I've just been sad. Nothing besides what has been making me sad for the last few months is continuing to make me sad.

Ok so I'm excited about the Cardinals winning.

I have a couple of job applications to send in for a few places. And there are a couple of places I am going to send resume to. I have the day off tomorrow so I can spend some time working on that.

I went to a new church today. It wasn't too bad. The music team wasn't really that great. . .but I liked the sermon and the attitude of it. There was a good mix of ...oh who am I kidding it was ok but I really miss my church in Colorado. I really liked it there. And I was getting to the point where I wanted to get more involved and get to know people at the church. I liked the worship team and the good mix of singing worship songs and hymns, doing readings, taking communion with bread (not the thin yucky wafers) and wine (and juice for those who want juice) and just the freedom I felt there.

8 more months and I can move. I want to go back to Colorado. I miss it a lot.

But until then I know I'll be fine here. I'll try to find a new job so I can start paying off credit cards and make plans to eventually go back to school. I will keep going to church and make the best of it.

You know as alone as I am here I don't really want to get to know people here or make this home...I just want to be able to leave when I can. There's just too many bad memories here. But somehow I will make the best of it while I am here.

conflicted

I'm conflicted.

The music minister at dave's church (i.e. the girl he was interested in before me and who he's such good friends with) has never been anything but nice to me. In fact, the day after my rant about seeing his van at her apartment she sends me this nice, reaching out myspace message (i knew I should've stuck with not signing into it anymore). She said it was good to see me at church, and invited me to a couple of things with the single girls' group and said she'd been thinking of me and praying for me because she knows it must be hard being here where I don't really know anyone.

I sent her a message back. I told her I appreciated her message. It was nice. . .but why does she have to be so nice? And why can't I just stop thinking that there's some evil motive? Oh yeah becuase I"m me and apparently I'm a nutso freak. And then I just beat myself up over and over again because as much as I want to be gracious, loving, and ok I just. . .can't. I'm trying so hard, but .... sometimes I just still want to scream and throw things.

I'm conflicted, I don't want to dislike her, she's a perfectly nice person but at the same time all I can think of is what if he still likes her? What if he always did but convinced himself not to? He told me that because of her position in the church and her wanting to get her credentials (something like getting ordained in the AG church) she can't marry anyone who's divorced but would that really get in the way if they didn't let it? What if the whole time he was with me he just wanted me to be a marry-able version of her? What if (again) I was just the girl in between?

I keep finding out things about myself that I don't like. Thinking things like this is one of them....

OH MY GOSH

I just realized I had three posts yesterday. dang.

Anyway. The Cardinals are ONE game away from winning the World Series!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!
They play one more time in St. Louis...I hope they win tomorrow so that way they can win at Busch Stadium!!! The World Series!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I'm so excited!!!!

Unwinding

I just got off of work and I'm unwinding. It was a fun night.

There is one Christian band that I will for some reason always love: Jars of Clay. And it took me awhile to like them. I didn't until I saw them at Mississippi Nights in St. Louis, a good five years after their first CD came out. There is something about their music and lyrics that have always just kept me hooked. Today I downloaded their latest album and I love it. And I also downloaded "Redemption Songs" and love that too.
They were supposed to be in Wichita but the concert was canceled I guess...next week they're going to be at House of Blues in LAS VEGAS. Man! I wish I could go. That would be so awesome.

And I have a confession. . .there's a Casting Crowns song I love too. It's called Praise You in this Storm. I really like it, I admit. . .Yes that would be me admitting to liking a VERY Christian music industry song. EEK! ;-) (that's what I get for dating a guy who works at a christian radio station) And there are other songs I like...sometimes I even listen to the radio station. double EEK!

Today was a pretty good day. Today it was overcast, a little rainy, and the most "fallish" (thanks to Val for that word) it's been so far. It was great even thought I was stuck inside most of the day. And now it's all foggy and dark and makes me think of campfires and drinking hot cocoa. Speaking of hot cocoa, I bought some french vanilla cocoa which is pretty good. I realized later that what I really want is peppermint cocoa. And if it's peppermint schnapps it's even better!

In my previous post I wrote about how in the book I'm reading it talks about taking up your cross and I thought about it and ended up writing this:

"There is wonder & amazement
There is fear & trembling
There is a light shining in the eyes of your child
There is mystery & wanting
There is hiding, shouting, & silence
There is confusion & understanding
There is standing still & dancing
Right here in the heart of this child."

I got out of the habit of writing after I dropped out of GC and I've always wanted to get back into it. Maybe I will.

Oh and the Cardinals game was rained out. Bummer. St. Louis is up 2 games to 1! WOOHOO!!!!!

Trying to let go

I didn't want to put stuff about my pursuit of Jesus and trying to let go of all the anger and self-condemnation I am going through right now in the post about me being angry about seeing his stupid mini-van and wanting desperately to go kick it (ok maybe not just kick it I did have keys in my hand). I didn't go anywhere near it though. I'm not as crazy as the cheated-on girl in the Carrie Underwood song (which I hate btw). Anyway. . .

I started reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for awhile and read some of it but never finished. It talks a lot about the crucified Christ. The battered, sweating, bleeding crucified Christ and the wisdom and power of it.

One of the things mentioned about experiencing the power and wisdom of the cross is the courage to accept & take up our own cross.

Our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today; the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it: this is our true cross. . . .in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. What happens in this encounter with the Crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies; his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement(The Signature of Jesus, page 61-62).

I want so much to believe that and accept that. I made something yesterday to help remind me that "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more" (the hymn, It Is Well with My Soul). I took some scrapbooking paper I had bought at some point and ripped a cross out of it. I wanted the edges to be rough and uneven, not perfect (like me). I glued it to another piece of paper. Then around the edges of the cross I wrote that verse from the hymn. Inside the cross I put my sins and problems I deal with. Next I took red paper (symbolizing the blood of Christ) and put torn pieces around the cross and wrote "it is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more." Then I crumbled it up a little. It's rough, unperfect, and messed up a bit (like me).

I'm NOT perfect. I never claim to be. My faith is real, honest (even if that honesty means saying I am discouraged and angry), and ever-changing. I am HIS. I am His child. If I want to sit in silent contemplation during worship, I will. If I want to stand up and raise my hands I will. No one is allowed to dictate what is the right way for me to worship and make me feel badly if I do something different. I want to strive to be the kind of follower of Christ who is an example of his acceptance and love. I want to accept people that the church sees as outcasts and beyond repair.

There's a new church I'm going to try on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

Fall doesn't exist in Kansas

Inspired by Val's post about October and Halloween, I decided to seek after some nature to see if I could find October in Kansas. I drove to El Dorado State Park. It wasn't much of anything. Just a bunch of campgrounds. I didn't stay long. The closest I came to finding whatever it was I was looking for was a little park in town. It had a bridge over a large creek (or small river, however you want to look at it). The trees were green and yellow with the sun coming down through the gaps of the branches. I took a couple of pictures.
But even that did no good at getting me out of my funk. All I could think about was the mountains and how the really tall ones have snow on them now. If I was still in CO, I could drive to my old church and see Mt. Evans looming in the distance with the smaller mountains all around it. I could see the Aspen trees all around with their changing leaves. I could have experienced the first snow that happened this past week.

But no, I am here. Right now even on pretty days, everything is just dull and brown. Some of the trees turn red but most of the time they are just yellow and there are still alot of them that are green. And it's supposed to get up to 70 degrees today.

Yesterday as hard as I tried not to be, I was angry. I'm really angry at myself. I'm trying not to be angry at him but it's hard, last night especially. I was doing laundry and had to see that he's at my apartment complex playing tennis. My apartment complex also happens to be the apartment complex of the girl that he dated before I came along. Well dated, thought about dating, never actually dated, whatever; he was interested in her. She's the music director at his church. And of course, she's one of the perky, perfect Christian girls. The type that he said he was glad I wasn't but started to get the impression that he would rather me be that way. And then after I went to work out in the fitness room (and stayed a bit to watch the Cardinals game), I stupidly walked over to see that his van was still in the parking lot, which means he stayed to hang out. I hated that. I hate that he was hanging out with the girl that he said he would have had to change so many things about himself to be with. I hated that they probably had the Cardinals game on and he was watching it with her (ok and to be fair with her sister too, they live together). Who cares that she's probably only watching it because he's into it. And the only thing I was thinking was that if I end up being the girl in between again I will be even more angry. I was the mistake Justin made before realizing who he really wanted to be with (and was with before me). And if I end up being that with Dave I just. . .I don't know. I won't like it. When I first got out here, I felt like he seemed to care a lot about what she thought of his relatinship with me. And even though he'd say things like she didn't know how to be friends with him without sometimes going into flirting with him, he always seemed to make sure he was talking to her when she was around. There was a pool party at someone's house one day that we went to and he talked to her more than me. He barely came near me.

I have been struggling again with how I'm not the perfect little perky Christian girl. I had gotten to a point where I thought I was ok with it. I was getting to be more and more comfortable with who I was. And up until I got here, that seemed to be ok with Dave. He liked that I was real and honest about who I was. He liked that I would go dancing at a bar and watch a lot of different kind of movies. But then almost from the first Sunday I went to his church it wasn't ok anymore. It was like he didn't believe me when I said that going to a new church is the hardest thing for me to do, especially a church where everyone wants to see Dave's new girlfriend. I'm shy and it takes awhile for me to open up. He wasn't willing to let me go about it at my own pace. He wanted me to go about it the way he would have and when I didn't I (to my face) was compared to his ex-wife. There were a couple of times that happened. One day when he was frustrated he was being a little short with his kids and said to me "if she was here, she would get on to me about that, because it's not their fault I'm upset and shouldn't take it out on them." All I could think was "well in case you didn't notice, she's not here and I'm NOT HER." Unfortunately like so many other times I didn't say anything. I knew things like that would come up but didn't know how hard it would really be to handle them.

I didn't speak up. There were so many times I wanted to but I didn't. I chickened out. I realize that he doesn't want a woman who is going to be partner to him, he wants a woman who is going to be the perfect image he has in his mind of what a woman should be. And I think good old music director is going to have a hard time of living up to that too.

I'm not saying all this to continue to make him the bad guy...it is just me needing to process. And quite honestly I have no idea what to think because all he's given me to go by is the fact that apparently I'm the last person in the world he wants to speak to and would rather me not exist.

Where's a gay tour of Tuscany when you need it?

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun. It always makes me want to go to Italy. Right now I'd do anything to be able to just pick up and go somewhere. At this point I just wish I had the money to go to Kansas City. I want to go to Nordstrom and get a pomegranate lemonade. Unfortunately I don't have enough money for gas.

As hard as I try to not be sad, it doesn't seem to work very well. Sometimes it does; sometimes I can get a glimpse of the person I was before all this happened. The person who was becoming more and more content, hopeful, and joyful. Then the realization that I am a stupid idiot comes back and I wonder if the person who was getting to be happy will ever come back again.
Everytime I wake up I am reminded of why I am here and what happened. And now the guilt has set in. Guilt over things I did wrong, including wanting to blame him for everything. I wanted to be able to be loving and gracious about the whole thing but I wasn't. I became angry and bitter. And worse of all, I have lost someone who for years was so important to me.

I need to find a new job. I got a call about the Walgreens job; they are going to keep looking for someone with pharmacy tech experience. They did say that if they don't find anyone they are going to call me first to see if I am still interested. I haven't been too seriously looking for a job...I need to but part of me is afraid that if I do find a good enough job (one that will pay me enough that I can pay off credit cards) it will be harder for me to leave. It would be dumb of me to leave a well-paying job if I did find one, even if it would be just something to hold me over until I can go back to school. I really don't think I want to stay here. I miss Denver. Of course, I have always wanted to live in NYC. Maybe if I do well enough on the MCAT I can pursue going to NYU. Who knows. I wish I could find something before the holidays; I'd have a better chance of not having to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas if I had a M-F office type job. One of my biggest fears right now is that I will have to spend Thanksgiving alone. Somehow I have to be able to go home for Christmas.

Right now all I can think of is the things I want that I can't have. I want to travel, but I can't. I want to buy a camera so I can take pictures, but I can't. I want to get the hell out of Kansas but I can't.

I also want to stop feeling sorry for myself but right now I can't. I want to be able to actually believe I have been forgiven for the mistakes I made in my relationship with Dave, for the anger I did not control very well, and believe God has some kind of plan for me. I am still trying my best to seek after God and hold on to this faith thing. I bought My Utmost for His Highest and Confessions of St. Augustine the other day. I am trying to read the Bible. And trying to pray. It's so hard. Especially because it seems the only thing I can pray is "why" and "help." I just keep trying to talk to Jesus. I end up in tears most of the time. I don't understand any of this still.

There's a line in a Jars of Clay song that I seem to keep repeating, "I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind." I've been waiting around for the last 25 years believing God is real and is somehow capable of more than I can ask for or imagine but lately. . .it seems impossible. I guess I'll go on trying to believe something good is possible. I hope soon I won't be so sad. Only 8 more months until my lease is up and I can leave. And if my mom says a lot could happen between now and June I think I may scream.

Oh yeah baby

The Cardinals did it! They are going to the World Series! The last game was so exciting!!!! I had my eyes glued to my computer shouting "DON'T BLOW IT!" The Mets got a run in the first inning, then the Cardinals got one in the 2nd. Then no one scored until the Cards got 2 runs in the 9th. It was scary though; the Mets ended up with bases loaded and one of their best hitters up to bat. But he struck out! WOOHOO! My parents called during the bottom of the 9th so I got to share my excitment with my dad.

Ok so, they may not be able to beat Detroit but. . .I'm still so proud of them! They did it!!!!!!

Fun stuff

The musical Hairspray is here in Wichita for a few days. The cast and crew are staying at the hotel and we got free tickets from the company that presented the show! Originally I was supposed to work 3-11 but I went in early at 1 and then left early to go to the show!
It was SO good. It is so funny and the music is great; exciting and full of energy. I highly recommend it.

And the Cardinals won last night!!!!! One win away from the World Series! I hope they make it!

Walgreens

I had a job interview yesterday at Walgreens for a position as a pharmacy technician. The interview went well. I should hear about it in a couple of days. I will probably still work at the hotel; I won't be making too much more at the pharmacy than I am at the hotel. But it would be a good opportunity. Once I'm certified I can make a little more and once I get enough experience, I can work at a hospital. Plus when I can go back to school it'll look good that I've been doing something medical related.
I hope I get it.

I started thinking about taking the MCAT again. There's a test in January but that doesn't give me enough time to review so I'd take it in April. I just keep thinking I want to at least see how I can do. I think Grey's Anatomy is having a negative influence on me. . .keeps making me think I still want to be a doctor. ;-) Definitely don't want to be a surgeon though. Maybe a pediatrician...I've always wanted to work with children with cancer and other life-threatening illnesses.

I guess we'll see.

Go CARDS!

the cardinals are in the national league championship series against the mets. i'm sure many people thought the mets would just sweep the cards (they've done a lot better) but the cards won last night and are up 5-0 tonight! I really wish I could watch the games1 It's driving me nuts!!!!
If they go to the world series I may just have to go to a sports bar to watch the games. Somehow I'll watch them!

And try not to think about how if I was still dating Dave we'd be watching at his house.

GO CARDS!

Immediately after writing that last post I just feel stupid. I mean who cares that I had a relationship that didn't work out? A lot of worse things have happened; people have gone through a lot worse...see that's the logical part of me.

I mean yes it still sucks. And a lot of times the illogical part overrides the logical.

I'll work on it.

One part logic, 2 parts very illogic

I've always had a hard time being ok with my circumstances. Even though sometimes I can find some good in things most of the time I just sit and think of how much everything sucks.
This is no exception. The logical part of me is saying that I will be fine, I will make the best of this situation, and I will someday get to have the whole family thing.

However, the very illogical part of me is feeling like my life is a very bad country song. Or a romantic comedy (or drama maybe) without the happy ending. In other words, my life is what really happens. My life is the real life situation. Girl falls for boy, boy decides he doesn't want girl and then cuts her completely out and makes girl feel like the stupidest person in the world.

Right now I am feeling very helpless and hopeless. I can't get the kind of job I want until I can go back to school which I can't do until I get my credit cards paid off. Which I can't do while I'm making only $8 an hour. And unfortunately my hopeless feeling is making me very unmotivated to look for another job. Especially because I have no idea what kind of job I want.

I'm lonely. I miss him. I don't like sitting at my apartment alone watching (again) the 1st & 2nd seasons of grey's anatomy. And I may have to start gilmore girls all over again too. I miss going to his house, eating dinner with him and the kids and just being around. I miss watching movies with him and talking to him.

Except he couldn't handle me actually being around. It was fine when I was just on the phone, but actually having me around ruined his routine and he couldn't handle it. All the talk about how even when things weren't perfect, he would love me anyway was all crap.

I just feel like my whole life is messed up. I messed up. And here I am all alone trying to fix it. I am trying really hard to keep depending on God. I don't have anything else to depend on. Even when I'm basically yelling at him, I try to keep talking.
It's really hard to believe he's listening. The whole faith thing hasn't been too easy for a really really long time.

It's hard sitting back watching all my friends getting married, and having families, and having homes. They didn't mess up by dropping out of school, racking up a bunch of debt, and moving somewhere only to feel like the whole world just is laughing at them. I thought back in January & February that things were starting to get better. Dave coming along was just another good thing to happen.

I know I kept saying that no matter what happened I was glad to have him in my life again but I lied. I don't like this at all. I would have rather just stayed internet buddies with him. . .every once in awhile, just an e-mail saying hi and giving an update. But then there were a lot of good times...I don't know what I think.

I saw him today in traffic. I drove past him. I have the tendency to pay attention to minivans lately. . .and saw him. I wanted to call him but I couldn't. I can't. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me at all. He just wants to pretend I don't exist.

I just wish I could stop crying.

this sucks.

missing birthdays

I've never been good at remembering birthdays. But today I remembered that there are four birthdays that I wanted so much to remember and now I will miss.
It's just a little thing but I'm going to miss the kids' birthdays. One is next month. The others are in January, Feburary, & March. And I will miss them. I had already been excited about buying presents and maybe even making a cake. But not now.

Overall I'm not doing too bad. I'm lonely. I think I like work just because it puts me around people so I don't go nuts being alone.

I still want to call him up but I'm getting better at talking myself out of it. I really want to talk to him this week because the radio station's shareathon is going on and it's a stressful week for him and I just want to make sure he's doing ok.

I wanted to call him when the cards won last night which means they are going to the national league championship. And I know I'm going to want to call him to talk about the games...they're playing the mets who did a lot better than them so I don't know how well the Cards will do.

Oh and in my attempt to replicate the pomegranate lemonade, I went to Panera, bought some lemonade and was going to add the juice BUT I couldn't find pomegranate juice anywhere! I went to three stores. Target had the POM pomegranate tea but not just the juice. Where is Whole Foods when you need it? I'll have to keep looking for somewhere that actually carries it around here. Kansas is a little behind on some things.

ok that's all, time for bed.

Fried mashed-potato cones

I forgot to write about the wonderful fried mashed-potato cones at the brewery where I ate last weekend. They were the best part! And they were just these little cones of fried mashed potatos seasoned somehow. . .not sure with what. But they were soooo good! I could've eaten a whole plate of them.

AND before I drove back to KS I stopped at Nordstrom in St. Louis. And at their little coffee shop they had pomegranate lemonade. Oh my gosh, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever drank. I may have to try to replicate it.

And it's official. . .I HAVE to start eating better and working out. I have to. I'm tired of clothes not fitting me. I decided this when I went to try on bras. It's just frustrating. So I figure I'll go back to my blood-type diet and exercise somehow...it's still nice enough here I can go to the park and walk. My apartment complex also has a little workout room. Even if I just lose like 20 pounds I'll be happy. Plus I'll double my wardrobe. I have a bunch of clothes that are too small. Including a lot of winter stuff. So it would just be good all around for me. Plus I have too much potential to blow up since it seems like I just sit around a lot nowadays. I'll just take it slow and easy...I don't want to be obsessed about it. But I know that it'll be good for me. I will take better care of myself; and hopefully fit into some clothes I haven't fit in for awhile.

And plus. . .maybe it'll be a distraction. And for a little bit I'll forget about things.

Baseball, Beer, & Quilts

I had a good trip.

I treated myself to a hotel room on Friday night (complete with room service Saturday morning). I hung out with Kyle & Sarah; we went to a restaurant on Laclede's Landing in St. Louis. We ate these wontons filled with duck and sampled a few different kinds of beers that the restaurant brews. A few of them weren't too bad, but it was still beer. We walked around a little bit and went over to the arch. I like the arch.
The baseball game was fun. Mom and I had a good time. I bought a shirt and nachos. OH MY GOSH. I just realized I forgot the souvenir cup that I bought. Bummer. The game wasn't exciting until the 7th inning when Milwaukee got 2 runs. Then everyone was losing hope. The Cardinals kept getting on base but couldn't get any runs. Then in the 8th inning, we got 3! Woohoo! I was glad we won. Then mom and I went to Steak-N-Shake. I miss that place.

After craving mexican food for a few weeks, I finally got some. Mom and I went out to lunch. The restaurant was right next to the bar where Dave and I (and other people too) went after his sister's wedding reception. It's where we danced to Brown-Eyed Girl. It was fun. I smiled about it which made me happy. I don't want to remember things like that and only feel sad.

Oh! The Dairy Queen has frozen hot chocolates! I was so excited. I love them and most dairy queens don't have them anymore.

Then my mom decided that it was time for me to learn how to quilt. I have a quilt top made up of quilt blocks that women in my family made for the annual Pig Roast. I won the quilt but never actually made it. The top was put together so now I'm going to finish it. The blocks are from 1993. It only took 13 years to start. Better late than never. Maybe it won't take 13 years to finish. ;-)

I got my hair done before I left. It's dark. . .like Catherine Zeta-Jones dark. Definitely have the sultry brunette thing goin.

Driving so much alone gives you a lot of time to think. I thought about how over the last few months I have been very quick to want to blame Dave for a lot of stuff. Well, for everything. I made my own mistakes when it came to our relationship. I was being very unfair.

I am going to get more serious about finding a new job and get more serious about figuring out how to trust God with my life. I know it's going to be difficult but I have to. Things never seem to work out too well when I try to do things my own way.

Ok time to get ready for work. Ugh.

not missing you at all

So even though I feel like I'm doing better it doesn't change the fact that this still sucks. The one person I want desperately to talk to, I can't. The one person I want in my life isn't. And he wasn't in my life for a really long time. . .but then he was and now that he's not anymore, it really sucks. I didn't think I would lose him again. I miss him. I miss the kids. This just all sucks.

Anyway. . .I'm glad it's almost time for my trip. I'm working for a few hours tomorrow morning (6 am morning, ick) then driving. I'm excited. I have needed to get away from here for about a month and a half. I won't get away long enough.

After I get back though I have to be more serious about looking for a new job. I like the hotel. . .but it just doesn't pay enough.

I'll write about the trip when I get back.

a new day

I feel better. I'm tired from working 10+ hours a day the last two days but I'm going away for the weekend so I'm looking forward to that.

I went to church Sunday. And right up until I was leaving the parking lot of my apartment complex I wasn't sure where I was going. I ended up at Dave's church. I decided that, at least for that day, that I didn't have the energy to go to a totally foreign church hoping I might like it. I purposefully got there late so I could just slip in and not have to do the greeting part (still the most uncomfortable part of a service for me). I didn't see him except for when he sang a solo during the offering. And even then I didn't really look at him. It was good hearing him sing though; he did a really good job. He's gotten a lot better since his church camp days.
Anyway it was a good service. I'm glad I went. I was shaking the entire time almost but I am really glad I went. I needed it. I needed to be able to go, worship the way I wanted and be able to say to God that I was going to depend and trust in him. Cause I don't have anything else. It's just me and God now. I don't know if I'll continue to go to church there but I might just so I can get to a place where my life doesn't feel so upside down. The truth is though, I really like it there. It seems like the kind of church that could become my church, even if it is an AG church (it doesn't really seem like it most of the time, honestly). I've never really had a "my church" before. So we'll see.

This weekend I'm going to Illinois for a few days. Saturday I'm going with my mom to a Cardinals game. My dad was supposed to go but he ended up scheduling a wedding. I was disappointed. Going to a baseball game with my dad has always been one of my most wonderful childhood memories. But it's ok, there will be other times. Mom and I will have fun. She's been so great the last few weeks, just being there for me, I'm grateful that we'll have some time to spend together. I see so much of her in me. . .sometimes whether I like it or not. I'm a pretty strong mix of both of my parents actually. Anyway before the game I'm going to buy a Cards t-shirt cause I've never had one before. And depending on how much it costs, I'm going to see about getting a stuffed Fredbird at the Build-a-Bear workshop that is set up before the game! I saw a picture and it's adorable. I really hope they win. . .they've lost the last like 5 or 6 games. That would suck if the first game I go to in like 3 years they lose.

So. . .I feel like I'm doing better. Going to church helped. I'm really trying to do the whole depend on God thing. It's difficult, I've never been good at it. But here goes. The whole situation still sucks but I know I'll be fine. I'll make it.

Hurt

I am hurt. I hurt. The part of my brain that controls emotions is working overtime. Then the tears start flowing. I can't stop them.

The other day, the first season of 24 (Dave's favorite TV show) was on sale at Target. I almost bought it. That was going to be one of his Christmas presents.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to be all alone here. I thought it was real. I really thought it was real.

I don't know what to do. I don't like being this way. I wish I wasn't.

I keep wondering why he doesn't want me. Why doesn't he love me? And if we weren't supposed to be together then why did this happen? Did I miss some huge sign?
I just don't understand. Everything seemed to fall into place...

And now. . he doesn't care. It isn't anything to him that I'm not in his life anymore. He can go on and be fine. And me? I'm stuck. I have thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt that I have no hope of being able to pay unless I get a really good job. And I can't go on to grad school until that happens. I don't have anything to look forward to. Right now everything seems hopeless. Ok maybe not completely hopeless. . I'm sure eventually I won't feel hopeless...but the thing is I miss him so much. And I still love him. And I HATE that I'm the one who is crying AGAIN. It took me 3 years to get over the last guy and that was almost nothing. What if it takes that long to get over him? And this was a lot more (at least it seemed like it). I mean, it was more. . .I think so anyway. . .see now I don't even know.

I went to the animal shelter today. There weren't any dogs, but there were a few adorable kittens. . .I can't decide if I want to go with getting a cat again or if I want to save my money for a yorkie. I really want a dog but they cost at the least $400 and at the most $2000.

it just hurts being here. I can't afford to move anywhere. I don't know what to do.

ok so. . .

ok maybe it's not fair of me to say he doesn't care. I don't know really if he does or not. Most likely, to some extent I'm sure he does. In fact I'm sure he does. . .

I don't think either of know what to think right now.

Oh my gosh

The seasons premiere of Grey's anatomy is TOMORROW. And I am going to miss it!!!! It just hit me! And I can't believe I'm going to miss it.

Wake me up when September ends

I love that Green Day song. It's perfect right now. Right now though I just wish it was June so I could leave Kansas.

I gave up living with some pretty good roommates, cable, internet, and rent lower than what I'm paying now along with a washer & dryer. I also had a chipotle nearby, TOTT, and New York & Company.

I have to miss the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. And Gilmore Girls. I'm paying more for rent now, I have to pay to do my laundry, I have to find a good chinese place, and there is no New York & Company. There's no Whole Foods Market here either.

Right now that's all I can think of. I can only think of how much I gave up to be here. When I thought I was getting married (or at least in a long term relationship leading to that) it was all worth it. No cable? No big deal, Dave gets ABC through his antennae. I was going to get him hooked on Grey's. We were going to watch Gilmore Girls together.

He plays tennis at my apartment complex. MY apartment complex! And of course I ended up seeing him yesterday because I brilliantly decided to check my mail. Then I returned the drill I borrowed from him. I wanted to act all cool and content but I said a quick "here's the drill" and walked away. I couldn't even look at him. It's not fair. He was supposed to be playing tennis with me. It's not fair that I'm the one alone out here. Still crying. Still all turned upside down. AND HE'S FINE. He doesn't care that I"m not apart of his life anymore. HE DOESN"T CARE. I saw him yesterday and even though I had had a good day I fell apart. I couldn't keep the tears in. But him, oh no, it doesn't matter if he sees me. Doesn't faze him a bit. He can go on and be fine. It's not FAIR. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to get my heart broken AGAIN. I wasn't supposed to be left out in the cold, all alone, working at a stupid job that doesn't pay enough, having to find a place to go to church and find friends. AND I CAN'T. Even when Dave got divorced, he had friends here, he had his kids to keep him going, he had a church to go to and people to be there for him.
I don't have ANYTHING.

And the worst part of it is. . .I would do anything to have him back. I have to fight against myself everyday to not call him.

I can't wait until September is over. And October, November, and on through June.

This sucks. BIG TIME.

What a day

Yes I changed the name again (but aren't you glad I didn't change the address?). I realized that Little Studio is more of a tribute to the Little House books. And trust me, the studio is LITTLE. Ok, ok I know most are but I seriously need a bigger place. Of course, all 6 of Laura's family probably lived in a place smaller than this at some point. Whoa. . .

Anyway, today started off as a crying and wallowing day, then became a "I have to buy groceries and do all this normal life stuff" day, then I came home and ended up talking to my mom for awhile. It ended up being a good conversation...there have been times the last few weeks that she's gotten on my nerves but she's really been there for me over the last month. Oh yeah, and for the 25 years before that. Anyway...we talked and I ended up realizing a lot of stuff about my relationship with Dave. Dave was determined that I needed to have my own life here. And he was right I do need that. It always seemed though he expected it to happen instanteously or at least after only a few weeks. Well, as wonderful as that might be, it's unrealistic. Neither of us realized how hard it was going to be for me to move here. And it was and still is. I mean I am still learning how to get around. I really don't know my way around; I know the little ways to get to places I go. There was one time we went to this pizza place and for the life of me I would never have been able to tell anyone that it was right next to Wal-Mart. I figured it out a few weeks later. Anyway, what I needed was someone who was going to be understanding and supportive of the fact that it was going to take time to feel comfortable in a new place. He tried sometimes, but my way of settling in wasn't his way, I don't think. He wanted me to get out and meet people right away and that is something that takes me time to do. And when I was going to his church I had more of a chance of doing that. He was always insistent that I "get out of my comfort zone" and get to know people. But I was thinking the other day that none of the people I am friends is because I was anyone other than who I am. I didn't have to be someone I'm not. Somehow we met, we clicked and got to know each other. Heck the same thing happened with Dave. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't or get out of my comfort zone (the whole idea of the comfort zone thing is irritating anyway, it's like saying people who aren't super-outgoing and easy to get along with are lepers or something, but that's a whole other issue). Dave has a job that forces him to be outgoing, which is fine, but I can almost guarantee that the people he is closest with are the people who know that he is not always the outgoing people person he has to be a lot of the time.
I didn't have to be someone I wasn't with Dave until I got here. I was still the same person, I was just an unsettled and feeling somewhat in need of something familiar and comfortable me. He couldn't handle that. And to a certain extent I couldn't handle it either. I didn't like it. I can take care of myself, I know that but when I first got out here I needed someone who was going to be there for me even when I wasn't the strong independent woman. I just needed someone who understood how difficult it was. And he did try, I think, but I think we had different ideas of how that was to be done. He has very much of a problem-solver personality and feeling like there's nothing for him to do to fix the problem is hard on him.

Most of you that know me know that I am NOT the super-outgoing, perfect, perky Christian girl. And most of you really appreciate that about me. It seemed Dave appreciated that about me too. Even though, when I got here, I started getting a different impression. It was ok for me (sometimes) until I was around people he knew, until I was at his church. I have found out that I have a method of becoming comfortable in a new environment. I stick to myself and observe at first. I see how people interact. I observe what is going on. Then, slowly, I begin to open up. And it seems that naturally I start gravitating towards people who I become interested in spending time with. That started happening and then, of course, ended. I was disappointed. And in the time I started gravitating (ok I was still in the very beginning stages of gravitating) I realize that I was not trying to be anyone but myself. And unless they were just being nice, they seemed to think that was ok.

I don't like being fake. It's hard for me to put on a smiling face when I don't feel like smiling. And it's hard for me to be convinced I should smile whether I feel like it or not. That's just the way I am. I'd rather be real. Real about who I am, how I feel, and what I think. Right now I feel like crap. Depending on God isn't easy right now and I usually have to choke out the words "I will trust you" and it takes all the strength I have to do it. Yesterday I yelled at God. If I have learned anything over the last few years it's that I have to be honest with God. Even if it means being angry at him, I have to keep communicating. He knows that. He can handle that. No, breaking up and being in a new city isn't the end of the world but it is still hard. God knows that praying and reading my Bible is hard for me to do. In fact most of the time the Bible pisses me off. God knows that about me. And I know he'll help me work through it.

I know I can be hard to get along with and sometimes difficult. I can be selfish and lose my cool. But I also know that I am a very caring person, I love to do new things, I take joy in things that are familiar (like starbucks and reading the little house books for the zillionith time), I love doing things for people (even though I knew I didn't have to, I loved helping Dave around his house), I get excited about watching a baseball game, I get worked up and upset when I see someone getting treated unfairly, I think thunderstorms are beautiful, I love to sing, I feel a a twinge of motherly love still when I think of those four wonderful kids, I get irritated by people who drive stupid, I feel a wave of joy and at the same time, sadness when I think of my friend who is pregnant (more joy than sadness). I can be super sweet one minute and a bitch the next. And you know what? That's ok. I want the sweet times to out number the bitchy times but if I want to be bitchy I'll be bitchy. And this all is ok. It's all who makes me who I am. I am passionate and caring, sometimes ditzy and like a little child, full of wonder and excitement. I am a person who wants and deserves someone who is going to care about me through all my ups and downs, through the times I am weak and times I am strong, someone who is going to woo me with notes, e-mails, voice mails, & flowers (I have realized that getting a dozen roses from a man is something I really want someday). I deserve someone who will stand beside me, respect me, and who will make me feel loved and cared for. I thought Dave could be that...I hoped he could be, for awhile, to a certain extent he was...sometimes I kinda wish he still could be. But I have to hope that God is not going to leave me out in the cold with the whole marriage and family area. I desire that and if God really wants to give me the desires of my heart. . .then I have to keep believing it'll happen someday.

I'm still very sad about all this. I don't like that I have lost someone I had just gotten back. I don't like that it seems like it is so easy for him to forget about me completely, whether it is or not. I don't like that I am so alone out here. I wish I could see him. I wish I could get a hug from him. I wish I didn't think that I wish I never found him again. Or at least that I wish we didn't become so close. I hate that we never got to go to a baseball game together. I wish that hearing the first few chords of fishin in the dark last night didn't almost make me start crying. . .if I wasn't going into a gas station I probably would have. I want to be able to remember how much fun we had even if it didn't last very long. There are songs that I will never be able to listen to without thinking of him. I will never be able to check the score of a Cardinals game or watch one without thinking of him.

And of course, as long as I live in Kansas I will never be able to wake up without remembering why I moved out here. And how it didn't work. That part stinks because every morning I just want to cry and transport myself somewhere else. Oh well, hopefully that'll pass with time.

Ok time for a brownie.

One month

It has been one month.
I'm not doing too well right now, I must admit. I don't care about being strong or trying to be ok. If I stop to think too much I just start crying. Or I get angry.
I tried going to church today. I stayed about 15 minutes. I couldn't stand it. All I could think about was how I was supposed to be at a different church. I was supposed to be at with Dave or at my church in CO. I shouldn't be having to look for another one. I had found one. And then I decided to leave to be here. And then I had the hope of having a home church. With people around me that I could get to know and be friends with. And now that's all gone.

And quite honestly I have a very strong F#*& it attitude right now.

People keep saying that I'm lucky. I'm young, unattached and now I can do anything I want. I'm sorry but that's bullshit. I've been young and unattached for awhile now and I'm damn sick of it. And now what? Do I stay here? Do I go back to CO? Do I go to IL? (I really don't think I want to do that) Right now I'm broke. I have no money. I really can't afford to move. If I stay here, I may as well stay so I can go to school and get in-state tuition. But if I don't want to go to school here I need to go to CO so I can get in-state tuition there. If I have to wait a year to move then that puts me a year behind. Of course, with my job situation I need that year to make up for the credit cards I'm not able to pay off right now.

I can take the MCAT in January now that they've got the computer based test. That gives me a lot of time to review and study. Of course then I'd have to take physics. If I do nursing, I'm basically only going to get a second bachelor's degree although there are always nursing jobs everywhere. Physician's assistant is a two-year program and I do a lot of things doctors get to do & get paid better than nurses. There are three classes I'd have to take though.

All of this though. . .I don't care. I can try to go through my life being the modern career woman but really I don't care. I feel like the one thing I have always wanted was dangled in front of me then ripped away. And now here I am, alone, angry, and depressed. A state that I really really really didn't want to be in again, especially so soon after feeling like I was doing better. And that's the thing I was. I thought I was. Meeting Dave was a continuation of that happy thing. But no, why would I actually be able to be happy?

I don't know how to be ok here. Everyday I wake up I am reminded of how everything went wrong. How I gave up so much to be here and now I am all alone. I thought I had found someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone I could have a family with. Someone who would love me and be there for me. Someone I could love and be there for.

I was wrong. And it sucks. It hurts. It makes me never want to trust any man again. It makes me never want to trust how I feel about anyone again. How can I? I am always wrong. It always seems to be real. Then it is over. And I'm the one who is crying and alone.

I don't even think he cares about me at all.

I miss him.

Perspective

I wrote this yesterday but the internet messed up so it didn't get published and I lost what I wrote.

I have a hard time with perspective. I means who cares that I broke up with my boyfriend. A lot worse things have happened. I mean, two days was the 5 year anniversary of the World Trade Center/Pentagon attacks. A day that thousands of people have to remember as the most horrible day of their lives.
I have friends who have lost parents, and other important people in their lives. The only person I have lost was my 90 year old grandmother.
And breaking up with Dave is nothing compared to the fact that he's been divorced. I can't even imagine how hard that is and then having to raise 4 kids on top of that.

Yes, the fact that I moved adds to the difficulty of this break-up. And I have lost someone. Someone that means so much to me. And I lost 4 little people too. I don't like thinking that I wish that I never found him again or that I became friends with him. Unfortunately I kinda feel that way right now. I hope that doesn't last.

I bought Anchorman the other day. He loves that movie. One time, when I was still in CO, I watched it and we typed lines of the movie back and forth. It was fun. I can still watch the movie. And it just makes me smile. I'm glad of that. There are a few other things that I hope I can do, listen to, and watch someday without it being too hard.

At the end of the month I'm going to go to IL. I'm going to go to a Cardinals game with my dad. It's one of the things that I always remember doing with dad. What's funnny is Dave is going to at the same game. I really wanted to go to a game with him. That was one of the things we were going to do together.

I know I'll be ok...but it's just hard. Everything is messed up and upside down and confusing. I want something to look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything. . .just the hope that my life will not always suck. Someday I'll be happy. I was happy for awhile...finding Dave added to the happiness. I thought that would continue longer than a few months. I'm tired of being so unhappy. And right now I just don't know how to try to be happy. Half of the time I feel like I'm going to explode. I am just so alone here. There I go again losing perspective. I'm healthy (I'm sure if i started drinking some water instead of soda all the time I'd be healthier), I have a job (even if it doesn't pay enough), I have a roof over my head, people who love me, etc, etc, etc.

The thing is though. . .the one person I want to love me, doesn't. And right now that seems to overshadow all the things that I'm supposed to look at and be thankful for.

Guess I'll still work on that perspective thing.

New church #1

For the first time since Dave & I broke up I didn't have to work on Sunday morning and so I got to wake up and pick a church to try. Any of you that know me, know that going to new churches is one of my least favorite things ever. Before I left my apartment I almost starting crying. Well I did start crying actually but stopped so I wouldn't mess up my makeup. But after church, however, the tears flowed freely. I tried a United Methodist church. It wasn't horrible...very traditional which I don't totally hate but I'm too much of a singer to want to go to a church that sings like 2 songs and then barely sings them. I like guitars and drums. I want them at church. I like pianos and organs too but I really want the guitars and drums. And not in the "this is the cool thing to do so we're going to try it whether we're good at it or not" or the super "mega-churchy" way.
I got home and was just thinking about how I had just gotten to the point where I liked going to church and I liked the church I went to in CO. I loved the music, the preaching, and taking communion every Sunday. I liked being able to go on Saturday night when the crowd was a little smaller and more informal.
And now here I am starting from scratch in like every aspect of my life including finding a church, once again, on my own.
I liked the idea of having someone to go to church with when I first got here. I liked the idea of having a church home. I was getting to the point where I liked going to Dave's church. I liked the people I met, I liked the preaching and if I sang loud enough I could shut out the music leader's annoying voice. No, going to an assemblies of God church wasn't my first choice necessarily but it wasn't as bad as ones I had been to. There wasn't a "only those who speak in tongues will inherit the earth" mentality. And after hearing how supportive the church had been of Dave and his situation it sounded like somewhere I would want to try. So now it's just frustrating having to find a new place. And I'm in a place that seems to either be super super Bible belt traditional or trying to break into the mega-church business. I already looked to see if there was an evangelical Presbyterian (the kind of church I went to in CO) church here but there's not.

Well I guess I'll find another church to try next Sunday.