I know that it doesn't make any sense that I can't stop thinking about someone that I only had talked to for a few weeks.

But I also couldn't stop thinking about him since April. The first time we met. . .I could tell there was something about him. The other times he came to church, he always made sure he came up to talk to me. And he looked so excited to see me. I knew he was. There was one time that I was singing in the praise team and he looked at me during communion and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

I don't know why after not seeing him for so long, I ended up talking to him. He was nervous to see me. I was too. But being around him and talking to him felt as comfortable and natural as talking to someone I'd known for years.

And now. . .he's gone. I can look up online to see that he's on a list of inmates. I know he had to go. . .it was for the best. He couldn't keep denying he wasn't supposed to be here. He was never going to be able to have a normal life with it hanging over his head.

And now someone who I probably would've just remembered as the guy I met at church once or twice is in my head. I have a special notebook to write letters along with pre-stamped envelopes (no adhesives allowed). I have his computer tower (sadly not in one piece so I can't get music off of it) in my room to someday ship or take to him. And now. . .I'll look at the mailbox everyday hoping I get a letter.

Kinda weird huh? The first time he talked he said something about how you can just have a feeling that something or meeting someone is going to be life-changing. Seriously? Geez, meet me and then go back to the one place you never wanted to go back to. Life-changing indeed.

Good things:

• PA program interview on January 16!!!!
• I ACED my classes this semester!!! (yes only two, but I was also working 60 hours a week)
  
• I finally got the 7th season of Gilmore Girls on DVD thanks to my wonderful roommate
• The weather was clear and great on my trip back from IL
  
• I got to spend a good amount of time with my family

Not-so-good things:

• I miss someone more than anyone should after only a few weeks. I already have a letter ready to mail. And will probably start a new one as soon as I mail the first.
  

Outside the wind is howling, the sky is grey, and I'm sure it's really cold.

I feel that way right now. I have a feeling I will for just a little while.

I found out why that guy hadn't called me. He basically went into hermit-mode and hadn't talked to anyone.

First it requires some background information. I don't really want to go into it too much...this is just the open internet but he's had a lot of crap happen including drugs and jail. Technically he wasn't supposed to be here and he is going back to turn himself in. He's been clean for about a year and a half, is a Christian, and is really dedicated to turning his life around. He was doing pretty good too, he had a good job with lots of possibilities...I hate that he's having to throw that all away. And unfortunately to the "justice" system he's a dangerous, horrible criminal with no hope.

This sucks. This is someone that there was an instantaneous click when we first met. I'm not joking, immediately I knew there was something about him. He did too. It took us so long to connect (just re-met him right before Thanksgiving) and now he's leaving. I'll probably never see him again. I'm going to spend the next 2 years worrying about him. And at the same time go on living my life and try to get on with it.

This week had already been difficult because I was upset that I hadn't heard from him. I told him it was really hard not to send a really bitchy message..he said "Oh I was waiting for it, I figured I'd get one." Now I'm going to continue being upset. What really sucks is that I have a final to study for, work to go to, and I can't spend a whole lot of time with him before he goes.

His birthday is coming up...and Christmas...he's never really celebrated Christmas before. He's never had a tree or anything. Now he still won't. I can't believe all this. . .it's just so surreal and unbelievable.

This sucks.

Honest Meme (I'm so good at Procrastinating)

So Val tagged me to do this meme that makes me list 10 honest things about myself. . .

Fun huh? Well I figure this is a great procrastination technique so here goes!!!

1) There are two things I do to relieve stress: dance (and I'm not talking ballet or the waltz, I'm talking sexy club dancing. I usually turn on something from a Broadway musical or 80s rock music and go totally crazy) and relax with a sappy movie and a glass of wine. Favorite? something along the lines of Pride and Prejudice and pinot grigio or cabernet savignon

2) I still think that I was actually meant to be a singer or an actress but never had the opportunities to pursue it. I've made my peace with this and enjoy that I'm doing something that uses my intellect and will help people. And I will always have a job no matter what the economy ;-) But I still dream of being Sarah Brown in Guys & Dolls.

3) If I had $2000 to spend on anything I wanted whether I needed it or not, I would go out and buy black Christian Louboutin heels and a designer handbag: either Gucci, Prada, or Louis Vuiton. I know I'm crazy.

4) Every once in awhile, I figure I should write down all my crazy thoughts and stories I come up with in my head and put it all together to make a book.

5) I started this earlier today but didn't get to finish. Now I am at home after working a shift at the nursing home. In the words of Val: I feel like hammered dog poo. Except I'm going to say what Val's mom would say: I feel like hammered dog shit. It was horrible, I got into a bit of a fight with a bitchy LPN which ended with her demanding I take a break. Then I did something I haven't done in a long time. I smoked. And guess who I got the cigarette from? That's right, the bitchy LPN! BLAH! My poor mother heard all about it in crying, yelling form tonight (except the smoking part) and I actually managed to not cuss horribly even though I really wanted to. Oh but one of the guys at work got an earful....

6) you know that guy I talked about meeting at church? Well I hadn't seen him in months but recently met up with him again. We hung out last week, had a great time, oh but now I haven't heard from him in 4 days. I have even stopped by his house. I feel incredibly stupid. Except I am also worried about him b/c he's a drug addict who has only been clean for a year. Yes I know I am crazy. Unfortunately I have a soft spot in my heart for people with problems. It's getting harder and harder though; soon I'll be cold as a stone.

7) It probably isn't a good idea for me to be doing this right now. I'm pissed. So everything is going to come out negative. Or incredibly silly because pretty soon the rum that is in my coke may just kick in.

8) I really still hope that someday I will find a husband...even though, I'm doing a pretty good job of convincing myself that I don't.

9) I have a pretty, classy, fancy Christmas tree. It really is pretty. It's gold, burgundy, and cream and one of the ornaments says "HOPE." I bought it last year and after Christmas just went ahead and hung it up on my wall. It's a good reminder. I want to continue to hold on to hope. . .somehow.

10) ok gotta admit the rum didn't kick in as much as I would have liked. . .but oh well. I do have to go to work tomorrow. Although I did go ahead and call my office to leave a message that I had a rough night and probably wouldn't actually get there at 8. I would do anything to just do absolutely nothing tomorrow. Except oh yeah I have a freakin test to study for.

ok there are 10 super honest things about me.

I'm supposed to tag 7 people. . .guess what? I don't know 7 people to tag except for one that's already done it! I'm pathetic.

So, I will tag the only ones I know to tag: Jamillah, Sarah, Tracie, and Jenn.

Dreaming too big?

I just registered for Physics II. That's right. . .Physics. . .

I don't need Physics for the physician's assistant program. However, it is a requirement for medical school.

I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop wishing I could become a doctor. It seems too lofty, too risky, too big of a dream. . .but I can't stop thinking about it. If I wind up getting into the PA program, I will probably drop it but at least I'm signed up if I don't.

I may quite possibly be crazy. I will have to take the MCAT, of course, and apply to the Early Decision Program by July 1. I want to try to do that because I've heard there's a fairly high acceptance rate if you do (at least, at KU).

Who knows, I could end up staying in Physics, but take the MCAT and do horribly and not even mess with applying.

Everytime I start thinking about it, I talk myself out of it. . . takes too much time, too expensive, crazy work hours. . .but then a few weeks later I'm back to thinking, "I want to be a doctor."

We'll see.

I have really tried to keep a positive outlook about my life as it is right now. I know I am blessed; I have everything I need. I know I am working towards what I want to do with my life.

But tonight it's hard.

I can't stop thinking that I'm almost 28 and I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. The things I have wanted the most in my life haven't happened and it can be really hard to deal with. I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. I'm surrounded by people who are married or getting married and having kids and it's really really hard. I'm surrounded by people younger than me who are getting started in their careers (or fairly well-established in them actually) and I feel like because of stupid decisions I've wasted the last 2 or 3 years instead of getting on with what it is I want to do. I hate it. And I hate that I have been feeling like this. I know it's just from being tired and busy which is making me stressed.

I want to just be able to enjoy this part of my life, knowing that I am working towards what I want to do and trust that it's ok that I am where I am in my life. I know things could be a lot worse and I know that I took the steps I needed to go through the CNA class, apply to the PA program and I felt like I was ready. I felt like it was finally the right time. I could know as soon as December (if I don't get an interview) or in February about if I get in.

Like I said, I usually have had a pretty good attitude about everything, taking the being tired and stressed better sometimes than others, but the last few days it's been more difficult.

What was I thinking? What was I thinking to work 60 hours a week and take two classes? Hmm? What? Seriously what was I thinking?

I'm exhausted. EXHAUSTED. Today (Friday), I slept through class, called in sick at the conference office and slept until 12:30 pm. Yes that would be 30 minutes after NOON. I went to bed at like 11:30.

This week I had a test that I barely studied for and I know I did horribly. My only encouragement is that I aced the first two and there's one more left that as long as I do well, I can still easily pull off an A.

I don't feel like I have time to breathe or even do the simplest of tasks like cleaning my room. And unfortunately I know that the free time I do have I basically waste. And I've been shopping which is never a good thing because I always start thinking that my wardrobe is horrible, I need new clothes, or there's just one more "basic" item I need. I'm going to make myself take a break from the mall.

The nursing home is hard. I don't know how I'll be able to keep it up. The only encouragement there is that next semester I should be able to work a more normal schedule and only work every other weekend. I hope. If for whatever reason I can't, I will either need to switch units or go somewhere else. That would suck though, I'd miss my residents! It was hard enough getting into the groove there, I don't want to have to try again.

Anyway, for the most part I'm ok, I am just working a lot and I'm tired which is making me more frustrated with life in general but really I know things will be ok. I decided that if I don't get into the PA program (which I probably won't) then I'm going to go through a med aide class so I can pass meds and not have to do the CNA thing so long.

I am always frustrated that I don't understand more about politics than I do.

And here it is again, another election year and part of me doesn't really know what to think....except, oh yeah, I can't stand the thought of another Republican in office. Yes, I don't care to disclose, I support Barack Obama.

I am getting into a health care discussion with someone on facebook...and still feel like I should know more about what I am discussing.

What I do know: I think that it is a travesty that there are 46 million Americans who are uninsured. I think it is ridiculous that the United States, the richest nation in the world with the best health care (as far as technology) spends MORE on health care than any other nation yet there are so many uninsured. I think it is devastating that a family would have to go bankrupt or forgo basic necessities in order to pay for the costs of medicine and treatment for someone that has a chronic illness. We're still the only industrialized nation without universal health care.
I think that at the root of this problem is the fact we still look at health care as a product to be sold to those willing to buy it. It is a way for XYZ company to make money. What if we looked at it as a basic human need that without question should be provided?

Is a government controlled universal health care system the answer for our country? I don't know really. There are all these stories from Canada and England saying that people have to wait months for basic treatment and surgeries...however, they can go to any doctor and be provided health care. There is no question about it.

Do I think something has to be done for the 46 million people that are uninsured (instead of just the limited-already-strained Medicaid)? YES. Something HAS to be done. And I don't believe that anything John McCain is going to throw out will do anything. $5000 tax credit? Sounds great for families who don't have anything more than basic check ups. What about people who have a child (or themselves) who have asthma or diabetes (thus ALWAYS having health care costs)? What about the family that is barely scraping by finds out one of them has cancer or another deadly disease? $5000 won't go very far.

I don't know what the best solution is. But I know it can't go on the way it is now.

I am tired. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. My back hurts. My throat is starting to get scratchy.

No, it's not the flu but something of my own doing. Two jobs, two classes, and little sleep.

I knew it would take getting used to and I know that I will find ways to make sure I'm getting rest (preferably not by skipping class because I didn't wake up like I did yesterday) and taking care of myself but right now . . . I gotta admit, it's tough. Whether it's dealing with difficult residents (difficult or no, they still make me smile and I love them) or difficult LPNs (definitely don't make me smile), I've had a difficult week at the nursing home. Really, I gotta say, the difficulty is coming from the LPNs. One, I think, is trying to be helpful, but the other night when I got stuck a hall that had multiple fall risks so they need to get to bed quick and multiple residents that shouldn't sit in their wheelchairs too long so they need to get to bed quick, I was frustrated beyond all get out at her "help." I'm still learning the routine, I'm still slow and I can't put 5 people to bed at once! Then there's another one that likes to just order me around like I'm stupid. But when there's someone else who's supposed to be doing something they don't say anything. Or when there are a couple of CNAs who just disappear for large chunks of time, nothing is said. Grrrr....ok I know I got myself into this and I really do enjoy it. I love taking care of the residents. I will somehow deal with the other people and try to be patient.

Classes are going well. I did well on my first test in pathophysiology. It was a LOT easier than I expected it to be. I have a quiz tomorrow in the class I slept through yesterday. . .the quizzes are tricky; it's not just memorize info and get the answer right. It's essay questions that you have to think a lot about and explain it well. I'm used to that though; that's what all my Bio tests in college were like. And right now all the material is stuff I learned already in Bio so I just have to review it basically.

Oh and I'm still attempting leading Bible study although we haven't had anyone come the last few weeks. And I started teaching a Sunday school class.

So yes, a lot going on and I am tired for sure (I do still get 7 - 8 hours of sleep a night so really I can't complain too much, I guess) but overall, it's all good. I may have to take a day off at the conference office soon just to try to rest and get some things around the house done. My room is an absolute mess and driving me crazy. Hmm...same with my desk at the office. . .I should work on that now, you know since I'm here! ;-)

A lot going on...and I'm exhausted

This is the second week of the all-consuming crazy life that I have willingly put myself into. I am taking 2 classes, working 20 hours a week at the conference office, and 40 hours a week at a nursing home. I work Thursday-Monday, 2nd shift.

I'm exhausted. Last week I manged to oversleep for my 8:30 class all 3 days we meet. Eek!

It's not all bad though. I really do like the nursing home. It's difficult at times and my back and feet hurt but I do really like it. It's one step closer to being a physician's assistant. That reminds me, I did get my application turned in! Now I will wait to get a supplementary application then hopefully get to go in for an interview in January. I'm excited even though I know it may be really difficult to get in the first time around. It's a really competitive program.

My roommate and I are foster parents for 4 kittens (3 young ones and 1 older one from a different litter). They had been hanging around our office and a few people started causing a fuss about it so we decided to catch them and take them home! We're trying to socialize them and wait until they're a bit older and then take them to the humane society. The older one, though, we're going to try to keep. I already know it's going to be hard to give them up!

I've been fighting the feelings of wondering if I'm really going to be able to handle all that I'm doing. Those feelings seem to like to creep up when you're tired, exhausted, get mad that you can't find your keys, and don't have time to clean your room. But I'm trying not to buy into all that. I know I need to give myself time to adjust to my new schedule. Hopefully next semester won't be as bad. I should be able to schedule my classes so that I can work a more normal schedule at the nursing home and not have to work every weekend.

Ok that's all for now. I still am going to try to post pics from when I went to WA. . .man that seems like so long ago. . . .

I'm sitting here watching Stand Up to Cancer. It's on NBC, CBS, and ABC.

Hearing the stories makes me tear up.

And it makes me want to be a part of the research. It makes me want to be a part of treating those with cancer. It makes me want to be a medical professional who will be caring and compassionate and fight like hell to fight a way to help them.

I hope that I'm on my way to that....I will start on Monday at a nursing home. My application for the PA program is almost finished. I will get that turned in on Monday probably. I will hope for an interview although I know I may not get one. It's a really difficult program to get into. We'll see! I'm excited though...I'm taking two classes: Microbiology and Pathophysiology. So far, I love the classes. I wasn't sure I'd like Micro but I have quickly changed my mind. And Patho. . .is so interesting and challenging. And my profs are really great and not just because they didn't make me buy a book. :-)

I am so excited to finally be beginning my path in the medical field.

First of all, Washington was SO amazing! It is absolutely beautiful! I had so much fun doing fun little things like going to the lavender farm and spending time with my friends. Their two girls are so much fun. I am really going to try to post some pics soon. I have about 200 to choose from ;-)

I must admit this week, however, hasn't been all that great. Some of it has but I've had moments of feeling lonely, frustrated that I can't seem to get things like unpacking done, and just . . . not myself.
I may have taken it before but I took the Facebook version of the Meyer's Briggs personality test awhile back and me and my roommate were talking about it yesterday. We're both INFP which represents only like 1% of the population. Something she read online describes INFPs as having the tendency to feel lonely and out of place and different. I almost always feel that way.
In the next few weeks many things in my life are going to change. I'll work part-time at the conference office in the resource center library and hopefully get a full-time job at a nursing home. I put in applications at some last week. I will also be taking two classes at the university. I am definitely excited...excited that I'm FINALLY getting to go on with plans to do what I really want to do. Of course it'll still take awhile but I'm on my way! I do have a sense of calm and peace about it all too. I know things will work out the way they're supposed to.

But still there is a part of me that is frustrated with myself that I still haven't really unpacked and I moved a month ago. I'm frustrated that I think of all these things I want to do but feel like I can't do them. And then there's just that feeling of being lonely. I am not sure why I've felt that way lately. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I do when I'm home is watch TV. Which isn't totally true but today it feels like it. Oh well.

So I don't know. Hopefully this mood I'm in won't last. There is a lot to do and a lot to look forward to. Including the Olympics...ok now I'm glad I turned the TV back on. Gymnastics is on!!

Vacation

I'm headed to Washington (state) for vacation. I'm very excited. I get to see friends that I haven't seen in WAY too long. And their kids! I saw the first one when she was 3 months old. She's 3 now...and apparently there's a 2nd little one too ;-)

And Val if you read this before I get there, you better not be doing anything resembling getting ready to have a visitor. :-)

I can't wait to just . . . enjoy a new state, enjoy much cooler temperatures than what I am experiencing now, catching up, playing, and seeing mountains. . .ooo mountains. I miss mountains. I wonder if there's a place to get good seafood.

Ooo I'm getting more excited. I am working today but can't really concentrate on anything.

I'm afraid this post will seem a little down in the dumps even though I don't mean for it to be. Right now, though, I am tired and as a result, grumpy. I haven't slept enough in the last few days. I'm trying to just hold on until Saturday then I can sleep in.

My online class is finished. I did well. Medical terminology isn't that difficult really. Neither is the CNA class. That has turned into a joke of a class which is frustrating. My open book final is on Tuesday. . .don't think I'll have much trouble. Tomorrow I do a double shift at a nursing home to finish up my clinical hours. That's been a frustrating mess just because people keep wanting the times and locations changed around (including driving an hour away which I refused to do because I would've done it three times in a week). Anyway, so tomorrow I will start at 6:30 and work until about 10.

The good thing about that, though, is that my brother is coming to visit this weekend and we'll have a good amount of time together instead of me having to go do a clinical. And it means I can go to church on Sunday which means I may get to see the nice guy at church. :-)

I am all moved into the new house! And I got a piano! It's an old one, probably made in the 20s. Every time I'm at the house I want to play it. I don't know any actual songs really, but I know enough chords to be able to just play random nothingness but it sounds good!! I love it! The rest of the house is still a mess though.
The new house has a garden! It has tomatoes, basil, grapes, onions, and a few other kinds of herbs that I don't know. I love it. I cut up one of the tomatoes, put them on a piece of bread and topped it with fresh basil leaves, olive oil, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and parmesan cheese and toasted it in the toaster oven.....heaven, absolute heaven. There are also some strawberry plants! I'll have to do some work to get it all in shape. There are also tons of flowers all around.

I finally bought a digital camera that should come in by Saturday so I'll start taking pictures and post some of the new house and stuff.

I begin a couple of classes the third week of August and then hopefully I'll find a job at a nursing home to start in September. My full-time job at the conference office ends the last Friday of August. But get this: there is now a part-time job open at the office! In fact, I'm doing it while I'm still here and then will (hopefully) start part-time in September! I'm excited. Things are just falling into place and working out wonderfully. I wasn't looking forward to leaving the office and now it looks like I don't have to! The job is running the resource/media center and it's something that I can make work with my schedule which is wonderful. I could basically do it for as long as I needed to.

I can't wait until next Wednesday! I'm off to Washington!!!

This blog has a lot of stuff in it. Sometimes I go back over the posts and relive everything I thought about, felt, and was upset over. At times, I figure I have depended on it too much. I've probably revealed too much. I've probably let things out that I should've just kept to myself.
Oh well. I guess there's no point in worrying about it now.

But lately, I haven't wanted to write anything. Even now, I'm just sitting here writing, thinking that there's really nothing to actually write about. I'm moving on Friday. Then I'll move again two weeks later. Classes are going well. I'm going to WA in August (ok that is really exciting!). I will be looking for at least one job as a CNA to start by the end of August. I will plan on still applying to the PA program but if I don't get in, I am going to re-apply for the next year but maybe also go ahead and apply to medical school as well. I may be crazy but it seems that med school keeps popping up in my head and the wonder of "could I really do it?" hasn't gone away in. . .almost 8 years now. Who knows. Things that made me hesitate seem not to be an issue so maybe its just time to go for it. Forget about all the "ifs."

I am still so confused about my life. But I am also a lot more content about it than I have been. I have no idea what's going to happen. A few weeks ago, something potentially bad happened but I didn't beat myself up over it (too bad anyway). I have realized that I am still mad at Jason and mad at how I handled everything over those months and how I let everything just keep going on the way they were even though I was so unhappy. But, I know time will make that better. I am also a little mad at myself about the guy I met last month. We went out a few times and honestly I probably could've really liked him but . . . really I think both of us just wanted someone to make out with. Oh well.

My parents, niece, and nephew came out this week to visit. I loved having them here even though it meant my apartment was a little cramped. I miss my niece and nephew so much; I miss getting to see them grow up. My niece is becoming a little preteen. She was dancing around a lot and also put on a fashion show, complete with turquoise eyeliner. But there's this grown up part of her that sits quietly and reads her books, including her Bible, and writes in her little journal. I can't believe she's 11 now. My nephew is a typical 9 year old boy and is a lot of fun. He loves Star Wars and Indiana Jones. And Queen songs like "We Are the Champions" and "Another One Bites the Dust." I downloaded those and a few others that he liked to give to him. He also got hooked on a Weird Al song about Star Wars (The Saga Begins).

I need to go back to trying to exercise and eat better. Physically I have just been feeling very blah. The only thing I want to eat is junk food. I'm sitting here watching tennis and thinking "I should go play" but probably won't. It's really hot outside. And I need to pack. Ugh. This isn't going to be easy. I need to do something though. Everything I read and hear about says that I'm probably high risk for all wonderful sorts of diseases down the road. I need to get rid of my belly.

Who knows what life will hold. Somehow I'll keep enjoying each moment. I'll keep working towards my goals (as if-y as they are at times) and trust that God is somehow leading me and continuously making me into who he wants me to be.

Dreams

I've always had dreams. Some stick with me for years. Once I had a dream with the song, "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" that made me SO scared (it involved a family member pointing a gun at me) that I could not listen to that song for years.

Lately I just wake up and think "what the. . .?" I just seem to have such weird dreams and I just don't get them.

Last night I was dreaming of looking at different pictures and paintings and they weren't anything I ever remember seeing before but the detail and color was so vivid it's like somehow I had seen them.

Then there was one that I was back in the 70s or 80s. I don't remember exactly but I was me at the age I am now and walking around in a store with cheap prices, old electronics, and old clothes. Weird. . . except that's not even the craziest one I've had.

There were a few other weird ones but I don't remember them. But I definitely woke up this morning thinking, "what the. . .?"

The last few weeks have been a little crazy.

I'm not really holding my breath that things will really work out with the new guy...let's just say, he's fun to make out with. And in my experience, guys that are fun to make out with are only good for that one thing...oh well. I guess after a year of dating someone who didn't even try to kiss me, I just wanted someone who did want to. Oh well. There is a guy at church that is pretty nice. . .Am I beyond fickle? Ugh. What's really sad is this new guy is hilarious and he can play tennis! I really want a guy who can play tennis.

I am signed up for an online class and I thought it started on the 24th...it started on the 2nd. So I immediately contacted the instructor and order what I thought was the book. Only it was the web tutor access code. . .so I ordered it again. Only it won't get here until next week and the midterm is due by Saturday night. Guess who has the book and who I will probably drive an hour to get it from? That's right, Jason. Woohoo I am so excited. He seemed perfectly nice about it except when I said thank you, he said "uh huh." Whatever, at least I'll be able to get the test finished.

What's funny is I may not even need the class. I interviewed for a children's ministry director position in town. I started thinking about it and really felt like I should go for it. Especially since sometimes I start wondering if it's really ok for me to be getting into so much more debt. My job ends in August and I am really not sure if I'll really be able to make ends meet going to school and working as a CNA. I'd have to get two jobs. So I don't know....

I've been leading the young adult Bible study I've been involved with and got informed by an extremely conservative Catholic male that it is against God's cosmic plan for the spiritual development of males for a woman to be leading a Bible study. He's the roommate of the guy that opened his apartment for us to meet in. At some point we're going to have a discussion. I must admit it's really hard to look at some of the bible passages that seem to be speaking against women in leadership.
But then there are passages that are thanking and talking about women who are involved in ministry not to mention the fact that women are hanging out with Jesus and the first evangelists by telling of Jesus' resurrection. I find it difficult to believe that God would then just say "Sorry, you can't actually do anything. That whole acceptance of females that Jesus portrayed was just a hoax."

Every time I get the urge to go hit tennis balls, someone is on the tennis court. Grrrr.

I'm moving...twice...once in with a family for two weeks, then into. . .a house! My friend bought her house and she takes possession July 25. Woohoo! I decided to move in with the family for a few weeks to save money on rent at my apartment. I was going to have to pay extra to stay a month after my lease is up. I may regret that once I move all my stuff twice. . . oh well.

Fun,exciting, and challenging stuff.

Lots of things have been going on lately. They have been fun, exciting, and challenging.
First the fun part :-)I met someone at conference last week. He's a youth pastor (I know, what am I thinking. . .another youth pastor?) and he's very sweet and funny. And he's actually older than me. And he plays guitar. This is the cute part: during one of the sessions we were sitting at a table and my phone was out; he picked it up and put his phone number in my phone! Then sent himself a text message. He mentioned something about going out sometime but it wasn't going to be for a week because he was in a wedding and had camp all this week. Then he changed his mind and asked if I'd want to do something after he was finished with the wedding rehearsal on Friday. We went to see Indiana Jones. Then later after he was home, we ended up talking on the phone for a little while. And he called me after the wedding on Saturday and we talked for almost 4 hours! I was a little amazed. He's been at camp all this week and I didn't think we would get to talk really; it doesn't really work to call but we've been texting back and forth a little everyday. Oh and this includes flirting. I forgot how much I enjoy flirting. It's fun!!! (I point that out because J and I NEVER flirted!) I am hoping we'll get to hang out again sometime this weekend.

My CNA class is going well. It's a little boring at times and I have to watch videos on how to wash hands and put on gloves...but then there are important things like how to move a resident. The textbook is VERY simplistic and easy to read which is nice. It'll get me back in the swing of schoolwork...in the fall I'm taking microbiology, pathphysiology, and statistics. Woohoo!
There have been hiccups in the whole house buying process. It looks like the sellers may have walked which sucks. So who knows where I'll live. I guess I could just stay at my apartment and hope somehow money works out.

Ok the challenging thing. . .I have been leading the Monday night Bible study that I'd be attending for over a year. The guy who had been doing it had to step down and so I volunteered. Also in this time we moved locations to the home of one of group members. One of his roommates started attending as a result. This week he e-mailed me and told me that although he has enjoyed it and thinks I'm doing a good job, he doesn't think it's right for me to be leading because I am a woman. Needless to say I was just slightly annoyed by this. No one else thinks this way and it will probably come down to him not participating (probably not a bad thing; his fundamentalism will just make too many people uncomfortable) and possibly having to change locations again. I e-mailed several people, my pastor included. He was very helpful and encouraging. I admit reading the few passages in I Timothy and I Corinthians are discouraging and I haven't found any seemingly sustainable support that these passages were really just addressing what was going on at the time. However, I also read the parts that talk about women being an important part of Jesus' and Paul's ministry. I read how Mary Magdelene was the first one to proclaim and "preach" about Jesus' resurrection even if the disciples didn't believe her. I look at the fact that Jesus accepted and loved women and didn't think they were just a piece of property for men to have. I read in Acts 2 of when the Holy Spirit came and Peter quoted the Hebrew scriptures saying "your sons and daughters will prophesy (which means to preach)." I read about spiritual gifts and notice there is no distinguishing between "male" and "female" gifts. They are given to ALL. We are ALL a part of the body of Christ and God has given each of us gifts and talents to use for his glory. I have found such freedom and power in the fact that Jesus was so inclusive. If anything, once the church really started getting going, the men just couldn't handle the thought of women actually having a place and unfortunately it has just taken a really long time to counteract that.

So that is what is going on...I don't think I've mentioned it...but I feel like I'm soaring right now...I just feel content and joyful. It's a nice albeit strange feeling.

So.....

I have a new friend. :-)

Saturday mornings

I love Saturday mornings. I get to sleep as long as I want (this morning, it was 11:00 am), I make coffee, french toast or pancakes, and watch TV. When I had cable, I watched I Love Lucy. Now, it's episodes of Grey's Anatomy or Gilmore Girls on DVD. It's just this relaxing, wonderful "me" time. Sometimes, it's several episodes...today, it's only one because I need to do homework.

I have a wedding to go to tonight. I found an AMAZING dress. And get this, I found it at Sam's and it was less than $20. It's green & white and I look HOT in it, I won't lie. I also got a black one so now I have a great "little black dress."

My friend that is buying a house got the inspection done yesterday. She will know within the week if she will definitely get it. She is getting bids on a few things that need to be fixed; the owners may or may not negoiate the price. Until now, they haven't been too willing. Thankfully, she'll know for sure by the time I have to give my 30 days notice about leaving my apartment. I'm not thrilled with the idea of having to move again, but oh well.

I miss Zoe. I still walk into my apartment, half expecting her to come out from wherever she's been relaxing all day. I still expect her to be climbing up on me while I'm using my computer and when I'm going to bed.

I'm singing for the first time in the praise band at church tomorrow. Annual conference is coming up this week so I'll be at that. We're doing a celebration for the campaign. We've gone over our goal! It's exciting.

I should go do homework. The reading and workbook stuff for this CNA class is super easy. We talked about dementia last week; I found myself wanting a lot more info about it, like the parts of the brain that are affected, what happens to the neurons, research done, etc. I came home and got out my neuroscience book. Something about that tells me that it isn't too far-fetched that I'd want to do something like be a physician's assistant. I want to learn how to diagnose, treat, research new treatments, and research what is actually happening.

Good-bye Zoe

I was gone all weekend taking care of kids or I would've wrote about this later.



I took Zoe to the vet on Friday and got her tested for feline leukemia and FIV (it's not FID like I wrote before). Turns out she had FIV....so....I had to say good-bye.

It was so horrible seeing her so sick...she hadn't eaten, she was all wobbly when she stood up....she was in so much pain. But she still let me hold her and pet her. I gave her a big hug and kiss good-bye. And cried most of the way back to work.

I only had her for such a short time but I'm glad she had a good home for the last month and she didn't have to be in pain for too long. If she was still a stray, she would've had to go through the whole horrible process of her body shutting down. I'm glad she didn't have to.

I think maybe once I move, I may get another cat.

I do miss her already though.

Sick kitty

My kitty, Zoe, is sick.
She hasn't eaten anything since Saturday (I think). She has barely drank anything. She has been throwing up (but since she hasn't eaten, it's just stomach acid) and having bathroom issues (I'll spare you the details). I took her to the vet today and they gave her an anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea shot. I also got an antibiotic and a pill to give her. If she hasn't improved in a few days, then I'll have to take her back probably to get a feline leukemia/FID (like AIDS) test and blood work.
If she still doesn't get better. . .then I may have to say goodbye to Zoe.

I'm praying so hard that she gets better. I've only had her a month and a half! It would be horrible to lose her now....

Zoe

I wrote this yesterday while at work but couldn't post it:

I am sitting at work and the boredom has reached epic proportions. I am sure there are many people who would love to have nothing to do at work but not me. I hate it. I get anxious. I can't stand sitting still but I feel like I have no choice but to stay at my desk. It give me too much time to think.

I have been sitting here thinking about Jason. Then I get frustrated that I'm sitting here thinking about Jason.

Then I think about Val's beautiful little girl who is 1 today! Yay Happy Birthday! But then I think that I'm a horrible friend because I did not get her a gift. I haven't finished knitting the cute little blanket that was supposed to be for her birthday. But maybe it'll be done by the time I go visit! I am visiting this summer, I am determined!!!!

Then I think about how pretty soon Kyle & Sarah will have a wee little one of their own and I am no where close to starting the little knitted blanket for their little one. And knowing me and my present shipping disability it will be months before I send them a baby gift. (sorry guys...like you're really concerned...you have more important things to think about;-) ) But I'm so excited to see pictures and hear about her!

I am not nearly as tired as I had been a few days ago. I feel tons better. Tonight is the start of the big annual River Festival and I'm going to the opening night parade. At some point I need to go get a funnel cake!!!
My CNA class starts next Tuesday night; I will learn how to do vitals, give old-wrinkly people a bath, and clean up their poop. Woohoo. . . actually I'm looking forward to it. I know that it's a step I have to take to get where I want to be. And I like old people. I want to be a good caregiver. They deserve it. I remember when my grandmother was in a nursing home. I want to treat them all like they were my grandmother because I would want her to be treated with the utmost respect and care (of course my grandmother was very easy to deal with and I know that is not always the case but still).

Let's see. . .what else? Oh yes, my friend from work put in an offer on a house and it got accepted! The inspection isn't for two weeks so now she's just waiting to see what happens. If all goes well we'll be able to move in at the end of June! It's a really cute house with a big backyard and even a garden!!! I am still feeling pretty calm about not really knowing yet about where I'm going to live. My lease is up at the end of June and the rent is going up so I really can't afford to stay there. Having a roommate will be a big help!

I am completely taking charge of Bible study now. Eek! I'm sending out the e-mails, will talk to any people who might be interested in coming, and leading it. I've even had some "counseling" experience. A girl from Bible study broke up with her boyfriend and apparently I'm the "go-to" person when it comes to that stuff. :-) Actually it was really cool. . .I felt like I could actually help. And actually believe the stuff I was saying.

braindead

The last two days have left me feeling tired, slow, and downright. . .well. . .down. I left work early today, came home and slept for over two hours. I've been grumpy and keep making stupid mistakes at work. I have felt like I'm in just a daze and can't do anything right.
I have no idea why. It sucks. I am continuing to feel a bit braindead right now. I've been watching America's Next Top Model (the super-annoying girl finally got booted!) and now American Idol. Really just because I heard Maroon 5 is supposed to be on.

I am supposed to start my CNA class next week. I was expecting to get a bill or something but haven't yet so now I have to call the school and make sure everything is ok.

Unfortunately when I get in these braindead moods, I manage to just think about all the stuff (and people. . .well person really) I don't want to think about. I keep mainly thinking about the bad stuff and then it starts being a little frustrating. I hate feeling like I wasted so much time on him. But at the same time, I miss having someone to talk to. Well, I miss having a guy to talk to, even if at times, he wasn't so great at it. Oh well. I think I am just more upset about the fact that it was another deadend relationship rather than being upset about Jason himself.

Oh btw, Maroon 5 was on and absolutely wonderful. Adam Levine. . .oh my. . . .he's just. . .yeah. . .

Jodieology

Found this on myspace...I'm bored waiting to go to Bible study.

Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. French

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Chipolte

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Anything Mexican (Abuelo's is GREAT)

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20%

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Pizza or tacos

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Several kinds of cheese. Or just mozzerella

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A: Cinnamon and Sugar

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Sex and the City movie wallpaper

Q. How many televisions are in your house/apartment?
A. 1

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. left

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Just teeth

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Probably now

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. mattresses

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A: yes

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. no...unless it was just a peck. I'd need more money for that!!

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. probably not unless I really needed the money

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. yeah

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A: depends on how much would show

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: nothing

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: I liked it the first time

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: stand

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: yup and will be again soon probably

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: at least 5 or 6

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. not since when I rear-ended someone

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Happy


LASTOLOGY

Q: Friend you talked to on the phone?
A: Mom

Q:Last person who called you?
A. hmm good question.

Q: Person you hugged?
A: mom, grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Diane

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number(s)?
A: 8

Q: Season?
A: Spring

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: family

Q: Mood?
A: excited

Q: Listening to?
A: Will & Grace

Q: Watching?
A: Will & Grace

Q: Worrying about?
A: whether or not its going to rain

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: bathroom

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: right now play volleyball...in the future...too many things!

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: Made of Honor

Q: Do you smile often?
A: I try to

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Most of the time

Well Bible study ended up going well. We talked about spirituality and spiritual growth.

I ended up leaving work early today. I had a horrible headache and my stomach hurt. I came home and fell asleep for two hours. I feel a little better.

I had a good talk with a guy from work today. I asked him his opinion on some stuff about Jason in regards to his youth ministry stuff. One thing (not in relation to that) he said after telling him a few things about our relationship is that I deserve to be treasured in a relationship and it's obvious that I wasn't. I've been around him and his wife and it's good to see how they are together and I appreciated his encouragement. Maybe someday I'll find someone that will treasure me. If not, I'd definitely rather be single than be in a relationship that I am not treasured.

I feel bad. . .my cat keeps trying to climb on me but she's shedding like crazy so I really don't want her to. Plus you know I'm sitting here typing. Aww, now she's just resting her hed on my arm. Silly kitty. She's so cute. I was going to post a picture however something seems to be wrong with blogger and I can't. I'll try again later.

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to do for Bible study tomorrow. We started doing a study but it hasn't been working out very well so now we're stopping it and so I'm coming up with something from scratch. And I have no idea what to do.

I was thinking that maybe if I just start writing something I'll come up with something. Most of what I've been thinking about are things that I feel like aren't anything new; we've all heard it before. We all know that God loves us no matter what. We've been talking more and more about the kingdom of God being right here, right now and how we can live our lives knowing that. We've talked about how we can (and how we need to) reach out to people and love them. We all know that we are God's beloved children and because of Jesus we have access to the kingdom of God. Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok I'll admit it, sometimes I get sick of it all. I feel so incredibly STUCK. I feel like I can talk about these things; I feel like I can know these things but so what? What does it all really mean? What does it all really matter? What real purpose does it all serve in my life?

I continue to be so confused. I'm confused of what my life is. What it means. What I'm supposed to do with it. Right now I just feel like I'm going through all these motions of life not really knowing why or if I'm doing it right. I was ready to move last year. I was ready to get out of here, move back to IL, and start over. But no, I decided to stay. It's difficult...I mean, I honestly can't imagine my life any differently. I can't imagine not having the job at the conference office but I just am so frustrated that I am still so clueless it seems. The things I want the most are the things that I don't seem to have a chance at getting. And I don't mean material stuff. Maybe my problem is that I do want a relationship and family too much. Am I basing all my decisions upon that possibility even when I know that there's no guarantee of it happening? What am I living my life for really? I feel like everything I do is just a distraction from the fact that I still feel so alone. That I feel like I always will be. That I feel like the decisions I make are never the right ones. That I feel like I'm never going to figure any of this life stuff out. That I am never going to really be able to live.

And that instead of a relationship, I will only have a cat.

Ok so I don't think that helped with anything about Bible study.

Road trip

Well I'm off to Illinois tomorrow then Mississippi on Friday. I'm excited! I will get to see my sister and Kyle & Sarah tomorrow, then travel with Grandma and Grandpa, mom, and her two siblings, including my aunt that lives in England and I haven't seen in 5 years.

I'm really trying hard not to call or e-mail Jason. I re-read his e-mail and there are thing I missed. . .I know I shouldn't. And I probably won't because I know he doesn't want to talk to me.

Pray that I get to IL and back with my little old truck!

Well I guess it's natural that although I am relieved that things with Jason are over, I am also a bit sad and disappointed. I hate that I have cried but I know that if I need to, I just need to.

There were many good things about him. He did listen when I was struggling with something (ok for the most part) and he was encouraging and caring. I just know that he is not in a place that he could be the kind of guy I want. I don't doubt that he cared very much for me there were definitely things missing. He wasn't someone I could just relax with and enjoy a good conversation. We didn't "click." I had known this for awhile but I guess maybe I thought that things could get better the more we tried. He also would not make time for me other than just being around his youth group kids. We haven't spent time just on our own at all the last few months. I don't remember anytime after my birthday dinner really.

Oh well. I feel like I tried as hard as I could. I want (and deserve) someone who is going to make time for me even if he's busy. I want someone who isn't going to think that 15 minutes on the phone is all that is needed to carry on the relationship. I want someone that I can have fun with, relax with, and laugh with. I hope that there is someone out there who will see how amazing I am and that I can be the kind of girlfriend I know I can be.

I have no doubt that it won't take long to get over this. I have a supportive group of people around me this time. In fact, I'm going out with some girls on Friday night and then going to the zoo probably on Saturday! Woohoo! Oh! And I talked to a guy at church on Sunday. He seems really nice and actually looked me in the eye when he talked to me. And smiled at me. ;-)

Oh! And I forgot to mention that I have a cat now! She was a stray that kept hanging out around my office and she was getting harassed by mean male cats so I decided to take her home with me! She is SO adorable and cuddly. Her name is Zoe and she is a gorgeous white, black, and tan calico. She gives me kisses and is right now as we speak laying on my stomach (I'm reclined a little on my couch with the computer in my lap).

I feel very hopeful. I had gotten to a point that I felt better about everything else in my life except him. I know this is what is best. And I know that if there is someone out there for me, then it'll be worth waiting for and it'll be someone who is absolutely perfect for me. And will treat me the way that I deserve to be treated.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk!!!

The KU game was SOOOOO exciting!!!!

First, here's a link to a video that the co-worker I went with shot. This was after the game when we were downtown. It was so CRAZY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRvYHHhDgzM

The street was completely packed for blocks. They estimate there was at least 40,000 people there!

Then here's one right after they won. This was shot by a guy in front of us and we're in the video! We're near the bottom of the screen in the first 15 seconds or so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkEMEMsgwlI

Check out the photo gallery of the celebration in Downtown Lawrence: http://www2.ljworld.com/photos/galleries/2008/apr/07/fans_watch_championship_downtown_lawrence/

I'm FREE

Ok so I had e-mail Jason basically telling him the things I was unhappy about (and have been unhappy about) and told him that I wanted to talk about how to make things better especially if he wanted to continue the relationship. Well he decided to just e-mail me back and break up with me.

I was pissed that he did it that way. I left him a message saying that was the most immature and disrespectful thing he could have done, then I replied to a few things in his e-mail.

I am RELIEVED. I am disappointed, of course, but I am just so happy it's done. No more arguments about him not making time to spend with me or him making me feel like I'm expecting too much. He's really not that bad of a guy and I don't doubt that he to a certain extent cares for me but he definitely is not in a place where he can be the type of guy I want.

I brought treats to work to celebrate. And I'm going out on Friday. And probably to the zoo on Saturday. And I'm going to Mississippi and get to see my aunt who lives in England next weekend! Woohoo, I'm excited!

Ok so there will probably be more updates about the whole Jason situation. I finally sat down, wrote out everything I wanted to say and told him that if he really wants this to continue things HAVE to be different because my patience is wearing thin. I'll let you know what happens.

BUT the biggest most exciting news is that I'm going to Lawrence tonight to watch the KU-Memphis game!!! They open up the fieldhouse and show the game on the big screens and one girl from work is going and I'm going with her!!! It'll be so much fun especially if Kansas wins!

I'm not even really a huge KU fan (there are a lot of K-Staters here at the office so I've been pretty neutral) but I think it'll just be an awesome experience!!!

Go Jayhawks!!!!

a few updates

So a few updates. . .

Jason and I talked. Quite a while, in fact (well for us anyway). We're still together. We talked through stuff that was bothering me and it was good. What's funny is we both have people on our sides wondering why we are together. . .he said that although its been hard, he knows relationships are hard but working through everything will be worth it. And because of loving me so much he wants to keep working through it. I was talking to my sister and we started discussing how really, if anything, we're working through all the stuff that we'd probably have to work through if we were married already. We're just doing it ahead of time :-) Maybe, who knows.
Another thing I thought of is how really he isn't as experienced as other guys I've dated. . .I've never had to be very upfront about what I want. I need to work on being more vocal and explaining things.
He came up for Bible study on Monday and we had such a good time. We were just relaxed and comfortable and able to talk and laugh. I also got to see him on Tuesday; I went with him to a HS track meet. Unfortunately it was cut short when he had to take one of the kids to the hospital. Something happened after the kids ran and he had a horrible pain shooting through his side. They ruled out appendicitis but still unsure of what is wrong. I hope he's ok.

Another cool thing is that I'm enrolled in a certified nurse's assistant and medical terminology class for the summer. That way I can work in the medical field, make sure I really want to do it and after taking 3 more classes can hopefully get into the physician's assistant program next summer. I am still leaving it open; I figure there's no harm in taking the CNA class. It means I'll have a job, no matter what I end up doing. And even if I decide not to go for the PA program, I'll probably still do something in the medical field and the classes I have to take won't hurt any. I knew I at least had to find out if I definitely wanted to do something in the medical field. I mean everytime people talk about something having to do with medicine, my ears perk up and my curiosity goes up. Even today, a girl from work was talking about the back problems she has been having and after I got home I pulled out my anatomy book to see exactly what she was talking about. So I am definitely feeling better that I have a plan that is already being set into motion. One step at a time. . .I realized I was looking too far ahead and not just focusing on it little by little. It's better this way.

Ok so I guess that's the update. I feel excited that I have something to look forward to. And maybe even a trip to Washington! Especially because I have vacation time now. And don't know when I'll have it again! Woohoo!

If you think of it say a prayer for me.

I need to be strong right now and tell Jason exactly how I feel and tell him that I don't think things are working and that I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

I'm tired of thinking about how I would like to spend my Saturday with him and make dinner and watch a movie only to find out that he is spending his day cleaning.

"What may happen in two years shouldn't determine what you decide to do; you don't even know what will happen tomorrow."

That's what Jason told me today. I've been trying to figure out what to do when this job is over. It's been quite stressful lately. I need to make a decision and start the process of making it happen.
The hardest part? Being in a relationship. And also knowing that if things do work out, it won't be for another 2 years. I know that I shouldn't base my decision of what I want to do on the possibility of something that I don't know will actually happen but it's hard not thinking about it. I admit it, even if I went ahead and got my MS in Biology, if we did get married, I don't know how willing I'd be to spend 5 years working on a Ph.D., especially if kids were added into that mix. But whatever, I know I shouldn't think of it that way. I should do whatever I want, right? Forget thinking about something that I have absolutely no guarantee of happening.

A few times he's asked me about teaching HS biology but I feel like I'd think I was just settling. Or maybe really, that I wouldn't be able to be a good enough teacher. I'd want to be one that even if kids didn't like (although I'd want them to), they'd maybe look back and think that they actually learned something from me. I'm not sure if I really think I'd be able to handle high school kids. And like I said, I keep thinking that I'd feel like I'm settling.

I'm so frustrated that I can't figure out what I want to do. Part of me wants to figure out if I want to work in the medical field. That plan includes taking a certified nurses assistant class this summer, along with an online class I'd need for the physician's assistant program. Then I'd have 3 classes to take in the fall. I'd have to apply by October. I don't know if I'd be able to get in right away but if I figured out that I definitely wanted to do it (especially after working as a CNA), I'd probably get in the next year. If I decided I didn't want to work in the medical field, I would still have time to apply to the graduate program to start in January. There. Good plan huh? Screw it, I'm just going to do it and see what happens.

Still here

For Lent I had decided that instead of giving up something, I wanted to take up something. I wanted to take time out each day to pray, read my Bible, and write. Or do at least one or a combination of a few of those things. It hasn't worked. I couldn't even get through a week. I haven't been able to write in my journal or even here. And that is amazing to me especially because for awhile I was writing every day.
Sometimes it feels as though my brain has stopped working. Except with all the thoughts that are constantly running through my head it's obvious that really it hasn't stopped working but something is just. . .different. I don't think it's the medicine because I felt the same way before I started taking it.
Last night at Bible study we talked about God's self-sacrifice. In our study materials it shows a painting of Christ on the cross and a sculpture of Mary holding him after he's died (It's called Pieta by Michaelangelo). We were supposed to meditate on each one for ten minutes or so and write down our thoughts. My thoughts? I kept thinking, "I can't. It's too hard." I thought about this and realized that I haven't let myself think about the sacrifice of Christ dying on a cross. I'm not sure when the last time it was that I really thought about it, what it meant, what significance it has in my life. It's hard. It's painful. I don't want to think about it because if I do, then I will realize how unworthy I am of such a sacrifice. I feel like my life is not a reflection of God's love as shown by his willingness to sacrifice his Son. It's a difficult thing to wrap my head around right now.
I've been feeling a lot better lately. Of course, pills won't make everything better so there are still some rough days. Right now my biggest struggle is trying to figure out what path to take after this job ends. I am still struggling with the decision of grad school because I wonder if I should with my money situation the way it is. I have so far gone almost 3 months with no credit card usage (Yay!!) but I still haven't gone to get a part-time job to help actually pay down the balances. So in that way, I still feel stuck. I don't know why I haven't been able to make myself go look for a job, I don't know why I haven't been able to even sit down and really start taking the steps to even start school. . .that's what is really frustrating me right now. I have been struggling about what to actually do, as well. I still really like the idea of teaching at a university (although I can't help but think that options for that around here, while not completely absent, are a bit limited) but every once in awhile something else starts popping up in my head that I wonder about. The thought of it scares the shit out of me, though. Sometimes I have thought of the "safe" types of careers, like getting my education degree and just teaching HS biology. But then I remember that I am not good at handling high schoolers and figure I wouldn't exactly be happy doing that. I know I'd feel like I was just settling.
Right now I still think I want to head to grad school to get my master's and Ph.D...I am just not sure exactly when to try and start. The biggest thing in my way is, of course, finances. I'd still have to be making enough money to pay all my bills and credit cards and I'm not sure how to do that and take classes at the same time. I would try to get a teaching assistantship, which would mean either reduced tuition or a small stipend but that definitely wouldn't be enough to cover everything.
So here I am trying really not to worry about it but also trying to start taking the steps I need to in order to make things happen. God help me.

Great dress

I know most of you will probably think I'm nuts, but I am totally in LOVE with this dress:

Christian Lacroix

A secret revealed

Ok. . .so. . .still don't feel much like blogging.

However, I did want to let you all know that so far, so good when it comes the medicine. I've actually already been feeling better. I've been in a pretty good mood for the last week. I went on a little road trip for work last week and had a wonderful time. It was almost like a mini-vacation even if I was interviewing people and just driving around in the emptiest parts of Kansas. I did eat a lot of Mexican food, including a place in Salina called Nacho Mama's! Ok it wasn't the best food but it's also a sports bar that looked like it would be fun.
Friday, I had just about the best time with Jason (OHHHHH!!!! That's it! That's his name!!!! I figured it was about time!) that I've had in a long time. He did too. Good enough to even give me a kiss right in front of the couple of youth group kids that were with us. And we had a good time last night at Bible study and tonight at a basketball game.

So yes, I'm feeling better. I don't know if it's normal to feel better right away but I guess only time will tell. I'll enjoy it while it lasts and accept being happier whatever the reason. I hope it continues.

Happy (weird) Valentine's Day

Yesterday was a weird day.

It was Valentine's Day but really I don't get my Valentine's Day until tomorrow. J told me last week that what he really wanted to get me was a dog. Isn't that so sweet? I really, really want one but I can't afford the pet deposit for my apartment. And I can't really afford the expense of a dog either. I would want to make sure I took as good care of it as I could. So maybe another day I will get a dog. I was so amazed that is what he was going to do.

I can't even do anything that big for him, which I absolutely hate. I know of a few things he wants, like a watch, an iPod, and a video game. However, I am going to make him sugar cookies and decorate them with stuff he likes. Like one I'll decorate as a basketball, one as a video game controller, one with something medical-related, stuff like that. Then I'll do a few mushy heart ones ;-) I hope he likes them. I'll be working on them all this evening. I wish I could do something more, but, maybe I will be able to another day.

I was just a little bitty bit disappointed that I did not get a delivery at my office yesterday. I've never gotten Valentine's Day flowers before. . .I kinda wanted some. But, here's the thing, he helps a flower shop deliver on busy days like yesterday and I'm sure that he could get some sort of deal by getting flowers there, so maybe, just maybe, I still may get some. We'll see.

Ok I started talking about yesterday being a weird day and got a little sidetracked. The biggest thing about yesterday was that I went to the doctor. I had passed out almost 2 weeks ago and J was worried about me and kept on me to go, so I did. They did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was fine and I'll hear about the blood test results sometime next week. I had been helping someone move that day and was a bit anxious about some stuff with J (we had a major miscommunication about something) and I honestly think I was dehydrated & my blood pressure may have been a bit out of whack since I went from sleeping to up and moving around (it was in the middle of the night). I don't really know. We'll see what comes out of the blood work.

Another thing that happened at the doctor was that I was once again perscribed an anti-depressant. That was the hardest part because I've been struggling with the idea of taking one again. It's been so difficult to admit and come to grips with the fact that I am not really okay and that it's okay to get help. I struggle with the thought that I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a job, I work with wonderful people, I have a church I like, friends, a boyfriend, a wonderful-loving family. . .there are so many people with tons more problems than what I have. But yet, I find it difficult to do anything but sit and watch TV when I get home from work. I can't let myself enjoy being at a basketball game with J. Having to gather up my laundry every two weeks and do it seems to be a huge chore that is almost impossible to do, I haven't been able to go to choir at all even after being really excited about it after the musical. I haven't been able to make myself get a part-time job so I can start making a dent in my credit cards nor been able to start the process of doing what I need to do to go to grad school. I just hate this overall feeling of being unhappy, having no motivation, and feeling like my life is meaningless right now. Goals I might have had have gone out the window. I don't know what I should be preparing for or working towards. And sometimes I get so sick of thinking of only myself. J got into the PA program and I didn't even think of doing something for him as a congratulations. Kids from his youth group got him a cake and are having a BBQ for him tomorrow. I didn't do anything. And he's been so great about trying to understand what I'm going through and being there for me.

In all this I still try to hope that God has something for me. That this isn't what he has in mind for me, that somehow I won't always be like this. I really, really hope.

I guess we'll see.

I dog-sat over the weekend. It was fun. The dog is a boxer and is just the most wonderful, playful, loveable animals ever, even if she did want to wake me up at 3 am. And 6 am.
So I ended up having a really good weekend...one of the reasons for this was the fact that J came up to see me on Saturday. I didn't even know it until that morning. He had to work but came up after. I was so surprised. I didn't expect it at all. I didn't even want to ask him because I didn't think he'd want to especially because he had come up for Bible study this week. But he did and we got Applebee's carside-to-go and watched a movie. We also had a long talk while we ate, mainly about things going on with me. It's hard sometimes. . .he doesn't really get what I'm going through and he wants me to explain it fully but it's so hard to because half of the time I don't know why I feel the way I do or I can't figure out why I can't make myself do certain things. He tries to ask questions in order to understand but it doesn't help when I can't give a solid answer to the questions.

I loved that he came to see me though. I'm going to a nearby high school basketball game tonight. Should be fun, I think.

someone to talk to

It's so hard not to look back at other relationships and realize that one of the things I miss about them is being able to really talk to the other person. And not always a deep, meaningful conversation but just whatever came up. There was one guy that I would spend hours and hours with, talking online, right up until we would finally go to bed. Same with another one, we'd be online or talk on the phone for hours and hours. We never wanted to hang up.

But now there's this relationship. I can barely get him to call me. When I call him, I always feel like I'm interrupting whatever he's doing, even if it's watching mystery science theatre, like tonight. Instead of spending hours on the phone, I'm lucky if we talk 15 minutes. It's been a difficult adjustment. When we hang up, I sit here and wish I had someone to talk to. I don't think "I'm glad we got to talk." It doesn't even seem to bother him.

I'm dog-sitting this weekend. To him I'm busy, so it's just a schedule conflict that will prevent us from seeing each other. I don't even bother to ask if he'd want to come up here because he's been up here twice in the last week and he has to work on Saturday. I hate feeling like I can't even ask. I hate that I just sit here figuring there's no chance of him even considering it.

blogging boredom

I have realized that I have just gotten bored with this blogging thing. I always feel like I'm writing about the same things over and over again.
I am just going to give a brief overview of what has been going on:

1) I am learning how to budget! After Christmas I cut up the credit card I'd be using and now I'm living on only what I have which isn't a lot. I've been making it work although it's been really difficult not being able to go buy new clothes. I'm sick of my wardrobe. One thing I need to go ahead and do is get a part-time job. . .just to have a little extra $$ and also start making a significant dent in the credit card debt. I've been saying this since the first of January but have yet to fill out an application anywhere.

2) Things with J are hopefully getting better. This weekend we had a bit of a fight mainly because of some miscommunication. We're talking through it and going to work on the communication thing. We've been relying on text messaging too much and it's causing problems. I saw him tonight and we had a good time. Oh! He got into the physician's assistant program and will start school up here in June.

3) I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue applying to grad school for the fall. I may see about going part-time until my job is over and until I feel like finances will work out for me to go full-time.

4) Since I wrote about J's grandma being sick, I will give you an update. She got out of the hospital today and is feeling much better but is definitely tired so she still needs rest. But now, J's sister has a very contagious form of the flu so the doctor told her she needs to stay away from her 1-year old daughter for about 4 days. Her daughter (R) has been sick in the last few weeks as well, so hopefully she doesn't get sick again. J left Bible study early tonight to go take care of R so that his grandma (who was taking care of her) can rest until his parents get there to take care of her. So basically the whole family needs prayer and they are all basically sick, tired, and/or stressed. I really wish I could do something to help. It's difficult being far enough away that I can't just drive down there.

5) Ok now on a more personal note. . .I think depression has been hitting me pretty hard lately. I really am tired of it. . .I need to go to a doctor anyway and have been thinking about seeing about getting some medication. But it's hard to think about going back on medication. . .I don't know if I really want to. But we'll see.

Ok that's my life in a nutshell. If I ever have anything super exciting happen or some wonderful thoughts or ponderings I'll share.

J's grandma

J just told me that his grandma is in the hospital with pnuemonia. Wanted to share in case anyone wants to send up a little prayer.

I get nervous when I hear older people get pnuemonia. . .but hopefully she'll be able to get over it even if it takes awhile.

Birthday Date Pictures

Ok this one is a silly one but its still one of my favorites. And as you can see, I have bangs now! I feel all cute and trendy.



Ok this is pretty much my favorite one.

Sad

I'm sad.

Heath Ledger died today. He was so talented. . .he was one of my favorite actors.

I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately. Things have just continued to be so up and down around here that I don't even know where to begin.

My birthday was last week. It was really great. It was on the 8th. On the 7th, J came up and surprised me with a cake at Bible study. On the 8th, I went to a friend's house to have dinner. I got all these fun little kitchen gadgets, including a lemon zester. Then on that Friday, J took me to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and we went to a friend's house to have a couple pictures of us taken. Then we headed to wal-mart to get them printed out. He gave me a pretty silver cross necklace, a frame, and some Starbucks coffee. It was a really wonderful night! We dressed up and everything. He told me later that what he really wanted to do was buy us plane tickets to fly to IL to see my family. He is so good at stuff like that.

Unfortunately though, things have still been a little difficult. Mainly it has to do with Saturdays. . .it used to be that I could count on going down to his place to see him. I purposely kept my day free so I could. Lately though, instead of it being a day he gets to see me, it has become a day that he gets everything done that he needs to get done. And most of the time I feel like I'm in the way of that. It's been very frustrating especially because I don't feel like I'm saying I want some super special day all the time; I just want him to say "I want to see you." Even if we end up just hanging out at his apartment, I like being there with him.
This weekend was, I guess mainly a misunderstanding. He asked if I wanted to go with him to the HS basketball game on Friday but I had already said I'd help some people move and unpack. He made it sound like he had plans on Saturday so when I asked what they were, he said he needed to clean his office and was going to watch basketball. I was so upset about that. Maybe I didn't have any right to be, but I couldn't understand why there wasn't some way we could hang out anyway; he knows I enjoy watching sports. Later, after a day of very short, angry-toned text messages, we talked. He said he had made plans with someone to actually go watch a basketball tournament. Then I was just mad that he didn't tell me that.
More often than not I feel like he doesn't care whether or not he sees me and I'm irritated that we're only an hour away from each other and I can't even count on seeing him. He doesn't include me in his plans. He makes his plans first, then if I fit into them, then ok, if not, he won't adjust his plans at all even when it would be possible. He makes it seem like he needs time to be able to spend with his friends, which is totally understandable but lately that's all that happens. It's like he would rather be around anyone but me. He says this isn't true but his actions are saying otherwise. I feel like that we really have to make it a point to see each other and it shouldn't be that difficult; we're only an hour away from each other. Sure not as easy as if we were in the same town, but easier than being 3, 4, 5+ hours away.

We're still both trying. He told me that he cares about me more than he has anyone and thinks we have real potential as a long-term couple. And I agree with him, but we both know in order for that to happen, we have to keep working through all this stuff. It is hard. I didn't know it would be this hard. But something inside of me says it's worth it.

I hope it is.

Politics & such

I come from a fairly conservative Republican family. My dad is very outspoken about his Republican beliefs. My sister and her husband think George W. Bush is the most wonderful President ever.

As I watch continuing coverage of the primaries, I have come to a not very surprising conclusion: I think I just might be a Democrat.

GASP!

I still think I'm more middle of the road on a lot of things but . . . over the years, I've started leaning more and more towards the left.

I guess we'll see.


So. . .my birthday was this week. It was a very good birthday. I went over to a friend's house for dinner and J surprised me with a cake on Monday at Bible study. Tomorrow night he's taking me to dinner. It was a great day.

Things have been a little weird lately. I am still having trouble trusting Jason. And most of it has to do with little things like wondering if he really does want to talk to me or be around me. I'm trusting him more with big things like telling him my struggles with faith and depression. But I still manage to freak out about little things. So I am faced with the task of really changing how I think; he has never done anything to make me believe I can't trust him. I still have times when I am scared, though, that he will end up being like everyone else. I have to let go of that and stop being afraid.

I'm trying. God and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I know I can't do this on my own. My church's pastor is doing a sermon series on the twelve steps. And I'm working right along with it when it comes to letting go of my fear. I'm continuing on my journey.

Happy New Year

I know people usually get all contemplative about a New Year, hoping maybe there are things they will change about themselves (diet, exercise, job, attitude, etc), or reflecting on the year before hoping that the new one will be different.

I started thinking yesterday that my journey will continue...ok yes I know that sounds obvious but there is something inside of me that is thinking of how this journey of my life that I'm on will continue. And it will not be easy. I still wonder if I'm so screwed up that I will never recover but somehow I'm hopeful that maybe I will.

And maybe I'm supposed to actually let people help me. Something is changing. I am changing. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Here's to a new year. Whatever it may hold.