thinking, drinking, & talking

Well after my mini-pity party, I had some fun. Well on Friday anyway. Let's just say my roommates and I had fun. We watched movies, made pancakes and had some drinks. It was a lot of fun! And I think we're going to have another dinner party in the next couple of weeks. The last one we had was great.
I've been thinking a lot about different stuff. First there's the getting healthy part (discussed on my new blog) and just future stuff.
I graduate in May. I will have my Bachelor of Science degree in Biology. I want to go on to graduate school whether its med school, pharmacy school, or to get my Ph.D. so I can teach at the university level. Before I do that however, I have to pay off my credit cards. Which means at least two years working my ass off. Because it's more expensive to live out here than in IL, I've contemplated going back so I don't have to worry about paying rent. But then I'll be driving at least 30 minutes to get to work (thus a lot of gas) and jobs don't pay as well. Plus the more I think about it, even though things haven't been like I thought they would be (which I am not even sure what that was) I really want to stay here. I like having the mountains and the city.
I really hate that I have to put off my future but I am determined to do what it takes to get rid of the debt. The school loans don't bother me as much because I know that was more of an investment.
I hope everything will work out.
Friday night we were all talking about the goals we have, things we want to work on, etc. We also talked about the whole relationship and marriage thing. Even though I feel at times I'm surrounded by all these people that are younger than me & married and have kids, I feel like I'm at a point that I am really ok being single. There are a lot of things I want to do and work on before I get married. And I don't want to settle at all.

One of the things I need to work on is being ok with who I am. Here's some stuff I was thinking about:
I'm pretty. I know I'm not a skinny, perfect-skinned, obviously beautiful girl but I am pretty eyes, a good smile, and wonderful curves :) I am beginning to sound like a Dove commercial (campaign for beauty).
I like music, I like singing at the top of my lungs with my iPod. There are times when I miss singing so much that if I don't then I feel like I'm going to burst. So even if it's just in my truck, I sing.
I also like turning up the music when nobody's home and dance around the house. It's a good workout.
I know I've struggled with the life I have but there are parts that I am thankful for. I really do love my family and the friends I have. I wouldn't trade them for anything. And even though I feel so different from them and know my life will probably be a lot different I can appreciate where I've come from. I can appreciate it even though I want to be different.
I think I will turn out alright.

Mini-pity party

Ok so I need to have a mini-pity party.

I signed up on this website called facebook. . .a guy from my bio lab told me about it. It "connects" all different people from my school (and other schools). Going on this site reminds me of something: I have no friends. The only people I know are from my classes. We chat in class but I'm not really friends with them, in a kind of call and see if they want to do something way. I get along with my roommates but we don't "hang out" very often. My real friends are all over the place. IMing just doesn't always fulfill that need for fellowship and support.
I have times like yesterday that being by myself is absolutely wonderful but then every once in awhile when I see groups of friends hanging out, I can't help but wish I had a group. Granted, I don't wish for the people I had been hanging out with. There's no point in spending time with people who make you feel like shit about yourself.
But at the same time I wish I did have a friend or two around here.

Maybe someday I will.

Ok pity party over. To all my friends all over the place: I love you all and miss you a lot!

Eat, Drink, Be Healthy

Well as you can see I switched back to the format I had originally. I decided I liked it better.
However, I have started a new blog dedicated to my goal of being healthier.
Here it is: eat, drink, be healthy

Here I go! (but I'm still eating my godiva chocolate and the leftover pizza from yesterday!)

Happy Valentine's Day

Today I went to class, got my test back, found out I got an A-, worked for awhile, got Chipotle for lunch, did some homework, went to another class, then got Godiva chocolate, sang at the top of my lungs with my iPod, ordered a pizza, watched Gilmore Girls, and had a drink.

It was a good day.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Olympics

Every 2 years I am taken to a new world full of victory, heartache, and wonder. I sit in front of my TV in awe of the jumps, spins, and the flips that lead to an emotional medal ceremony.
This year, it is the winter Olympics in Torino, Italy. Italia! The opening ceremonies are tonight. The different scenes of the Alps, the mountaintop fortresses, and the ancient cities are so beautiful. I want to go!
It wasn't until the games in Salt Lake City that I realized how much I liked the winter olympics. I've always loved the summer games. . .now I love watching downhill skiing, snowboarding, and of course, ice skating.
The next few weeks are going to be wonderful.
Go USA!

Fat Jeans

Over the weekend I had to do something that had the potential to become a very depressing event: I went jeans shopping.
I wouldn't need to go jeans shopping necessarily because I have more jeans now than I have ever had in my life. However, I finally had to come to grips with the fact that many of those numerous pairs of jeans no longer fit.
Everytime I put them on it results in a huge bulge of fat over the tops that no shirt, no matter how big, will never hide.
So I walked into Old Navy, went straight for the boot leg, waist just below my belly button, with a little stretch jeans. I picked up some that were the size I used to wear and a size larger. I could handle the size larger. . .if they didn't fit, I think I would've thrown a fit.
I went into the dressing room and prepared for the worst. As I figured, the size I used to wear fit everywhere but the waist and belly. They could be buttoned but the looming fat bulge was there. No two ways around it. So....while reciting to myself "size doesn't matter, all that matters is that they fit...size doesn't matter, all that matters is that they fit." I tried to imagine Clinton and Stacy from TLC's What Not To Wear telling me that with a frightened look in my eye. I did it! I put the size larger pair on and they fit! Ok so the legs are a little baggy but the waist fits and there is no fat bulge.
Now I must say that the Old Navy jeans I bought are nothing compared to the amazing jeans (albeit odd sized) that I bought at the Polo outlet over Christmas. Those are the most amazing jeans I have ever worn. I've noticed that when I wear the Old Navy jeans once they are stretched out to the point I have to hike them up to the point I feel like I'm wearing mom jeans. Oh well. Maybe that will be motivation to lose some weight so my pre-fat jeans will fit. (I don't want the fat jeans to ever feel nonfat!)
I was proud of myself though. No freaking out, just happy I have jeans that fit. And they really do look better than tight ones that don't.

Super Bowl + No party = Not a lot of fun

This is the first year in forever I haven't had or attended a super bowl party. The super bowl isn't quite as fun without it. The commercials aren't as fun either.
oh well

I haven't done any work today. I just can't make myself motivated to do anything. I sat here all day watching a Full House marathon (yes, you didn't read that wrong, I did mean to type that). Full House is fun. But yeah, I just sat and watched it all day. I have a test on Tuesday....and a test on Wednesday. Difficult ones. And I haven't studied. I may have time on Tuesday to study for the one on Wed. but I'm busy all day Monday. . .no time to study for Tuesday's test. I've tried to study off and on all day but it just doesn't work. It also doesn't help that our heat isn't working and so it's freakin cold in my house. The landlord's father bought us some space heaters but so far they aren't doing much. It also doesn't help that we can only plug in one at a time because they'll blow a fuse.

Guess I'll try to do some reading during the game. . don't want to miss the commercials!

What to write

So all week I've been trying to figure out something to write and just felt like I had nothing to write about. But at the same time I had everything to write.
My monday sucked except for part of lab when the cute guy from another lab had to come to mine (he's tall and has pretty blue eyes) and the adorable 20 year old in lab is fun too. He has a cute smile.
The rest of my week was better.

A group of 25-30 gay Christians are coming to my campus in April because they think we are breeding fear and hate on our campus. If you want to read about it go to the message board at Brennan Manning's website. It should be interesting.

I saw the movie Goodnight, and Good Luck tonight. It was good. The 50s were a crazy time...I think I'm going to find a book about the whole McCarthy thing...

I have a lot of studying to do this weekend.

tonight

So tonight I went to church. I had already been having a frustrating day. I needed to study. I have a test on Thursday and homework due on Wednesday. And some other stuff. Well I just didn't have the motivation. It was difficult to make myself sit still for very long. I got a little bit done. . .some stuff about the nucleus of a neuron. Big whoop.
So then I decided to go to church with my roommates. It's the church that I go to when I actually go. At first I wanted to go. I thought being able to worship would be good. God and I have been talking a little more lately. But right before I left I got all ansy anxious and restless. So then everything was pissing me off. Like iTunes taking forever to download a song.
(I have just realized that I use "so" a lot, oh well.)
By the time we actually got there and I saw that the praise choir was singing (which just changes the whole dynamic of the service...it gets very "mega-churchy") I didn't want to be there. I told God that. I told him very bluntly I wish I could get the fuck out of here. (normally I would apologize for my language but I'm tired of doing that, so I won't anymore)
I was on the verge of tears the whole time. the sermon was pretty good. The bulletin had excerpts of Les Miserables and the pastor showed clips of the movie. He compared Jean ValJean and Javert to Paul and Judas. Paul and Judas both betrayed Christ. Paul repented and accepted Christ's grace...Judas didn't and took his own life. Jean ValJean turned to God and accepted grace. Javert couldn't accept a life in which grace overruled the law and took his own life.
I feel like Judas. I see grace right in front of me, I feel like I've experienced it at one point but I'm still scared and unwilling to accept it.
So yes I was pretty much in tears. The kind of tears that would have choked me if I would have let them. But I couldn't. Not there. Not in that place. Not in front of my roomates.
I just wanted to get out of there. The little voice inside me was screaming to just fall down and weep but the other part of me said "no, it's too much, surrender is too scary."
I wish I could say that I came home and spent time in prayer and bible study and had some amazing God experience, but who the hell am I kidding? I popped some popcorn, made myself a drink and put on a movie.
And now here I am writing this, still not studying. Tomorrow I'll be stressed about what I didn't get done and what I have to finish in one day. Oh well.

Day 1

Today was day 1 of my blood type diet. In case you don't know what that is, it is a diet based on the theory that depending on your blood type, certain foods are beneficial or harmful for you. So I'm going to avoid all the "avoid" foods . . . I can't eat dairy (except a few kinds of cheese), any wheat products, and certain fruits (like oranges and tomatoes). I can only eat chicken and turkey. No beef, pork....I think it'll work out ok. I got soy milk to use in my oatmeal and soy creamer for my coffee. That's one thing, coffee is beneficial! woohoo! I can't drink black tea, but I can drink coffee. and red wine is beneficial; I'll have to take advantage of that one.
I have type A blood. I'm at higher risk for diabetes, heart disease, and other life-threatening illnesses. However, as a fellow type A friend put it, we're healthier than most people when it comes to everyday sicknesses. We don't get colds as often, or other things like that. For me it's true, I haven't been sick in years.
So I'll see how it goes. I may have to get decaf coffee to drink at night. I came home tonight and someone had turned off the heat! The temp was like 61! So I was freezing and needed something hot to drink. I can also drink green tea. I'll have to drink that more often.
Green tea, just fyi, is highly beneficial for everyone.

And today, my roommates and I went to look at an amazing apartment that is just minutes from downtown Denver and it's in this nationally registered historic building. It is absolutely gorgeous. All of us would love to move but I don't know if it'll be possible.. . .I figure I can dream though.

Something new

I decided to try a new template for my blog. Let me know what you think. I am not talented like some people who make all these custom-things. Oh well. :)

Today I helped a friend with Chemistry. I was so proud of myself! I actually knew what I was talking about!

I finally got to sleep after that night I couldn't. . .I won't complain that I got woken up at like 7 am though. hehehe I got more sleep after that.

Earlier today my roommates were talking about trusting God. . .and the more I listened the more I realized that I do not trust God. At all. Well maybe just a little, but not really. And I am very cynical sometimes.

I've read something from the Bible two nights in a row now. Even though I don't think it was God that did anything to make me not trust Him (it's just my own turning away), you know, like a friend would hurt me, I am going to have to be as careful and cautious trying to get back to having a relationship with him.
We'll see how it goes.

It is like 1 am and I can't sleep

So I'm writing instead. My mind just won't shut off this evening. And I keep hearing banging noises that I think are from downstairs that are kinda irritating.
So the first thing I got to thinking about was how yesterday I sat and watched TV from about 1 pm until 11:30 pm. That's a lot. It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing. Today I sat from about 5 until 11:30...I went to work for the afternoon or I probably would've watched Tv again all day. I really need to do something about this. I don't like that it's so easy for me to just sit. I really need to be taking more time to study and read and I need to start doing some kind of aerobic activity. I really need to get out of the habit of just mindlessly staring at the TV. (I did buy Beautyshop today and watched that. it's hilarious!)
I admit though I really like watching my TV shows and movies. Movies will always be my favorite pastime.


I've been feeling better the past week or so. I actually started thinking about graduation and I felt hopeful. Even though I have to work for a awhile to pay off credit card bills, I feel hopeful that I will be able to do that and then go on to do something else. I have even been thinking about really pursuing going to school in NYC so I have the chance to live there. How awesome would that be? We'll see.

Even though I have felt better for a little while here, there is still that thought of "oh just wait a few days and you'll be back to your depressed self again." I know that I'll still get down and I have a long way to go to actually be content but I'm working on it. You know I know it sounds silly, but watching the movie Last Holiday actually helped me to start feeling better. I got to thinking about how much I worry and how seriously I take things; I want to be able to relax and be more carefree especially about the little things. It's a good movie. Funny, lighthearted, and it has a good message. My favorite is when Queen Latifah's character is talking to God. It's more of what I want for a relationship with God than everything else I've tried.

Earlier this week I put on my jeans that I got for christmas that fit me wonderfully and a pretty cream colored sweater along with my brown wedge-heeled loafers and some earrings.. . I did my hair and makeup and was like "no one else may think it, but I look good today." I felt good too. I know appearance doesn't matter as much as what's on the inside but when I feel like I look good, I just feel better than when I'm in a sweatshirt and tennis shoes.

I've talked off and on with some other people about the whole depression thing. It really is hard. I know for me I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be depressed but it is still hard. It's like this horrible, scary shadow of fear, loneliness, and anxiety that overtakes you. I admit that it really hasn't been as bad as about a year ago. It has been getting better. Hopefully it will continue to.

I really want to start focusing on getting to know Jesus and get past the religious part. I need to get past all of the religious American christianity that I dislike so much. In fact, I think I will go try to do something I haven't done in a really long time: open my Bible. And once I open it maybe I'll try to read something that is in it. Baby steps, people, baby steps. (there's a commercial like that. . .it's funny)

Brokeback Mountain

I saw Brokeback Mountain tonight.
It was really good. It was really intense.
There's so much I could say about it. . .
First of all, the direction, cinematography, and acting were all amazing. Heath Ledger was absolutely wonderful. He deserves all the recognition (i.e., award noms) he's getting. And the scenery! Oh my goodness, it was beautiful!
It was interesting to see how the characters related to one another and how they affected different people in their lives. It didn't matter that it was two men. It could have been anybody. Right or wrong, it could have been anybody.
I know a lot of people won't see it because they think of it as just the "gay cowboy" movie but it's really so much more than that.

I don't know what else to say; it was just really good.

Spa day

So I've been thinking of ways and things to do to make me feel better about myself. And I thought maybe taking time to pamper myself could be something. So I have decided to initiate spa day. Or at least my version of it that won't take an entire day but only an hour or so. I took a shower, deep conditioned my hair, shaved, exfoliated, slathered on lotion, painted my nails. . . and now I feel relaxed.
Now usually when I focus on myself too much that just makes me feel worse; I start to feel guilty. But I don't want to feel guilty about doing this. Because I know that if I start to feel better about myself, then I'll feel better equipped to do things for other people. I'm at a point where I feel that I don't have anything to give to others at all. And maybe if I do some pampering on the outside it'll help me want to feel good physically on the inside as well. Like drink more water, less soda (It'll probably help my skin a little), eat better, etc.

We'll see.

Driving

I wish I could quit driving. It always pisses me off. I either get mad at myself or mad at other people and yell explicitives constantly. But I guess not driving wouldn't really work; I need to get places. I just need to learn not to get mad when other people are stupid.

Anyway, I decided to drop Physics this semester. With all my other classes, I knew I wouldn't do well at all. So I decided to wait and take it another time when I can concentrate on it more.

So I have been trying to figure out how I can be more ok with myself. That seems to be the basis of a lot of my problems. I always seem to be reminded of getting made fun of, being ignored, and being told I wasn't good enough. That shit is so engrained in me that I don't know how to get past it. And now there's all this stuff that continues to plague me like feeling ugly, not smart enough, etc, etc, etc. Same old crap. It's really tiring.

I want to get past it though, somehow.

Mondays

Well it's official. Mondays are going to suck for the next 4 months. I will on campus from 9 in the morning to 9 at night. Oh what joy, what bliss.
I really hope I can keep a straight head this last semester. The last time I attempted to take 4 hard classes and work, I ended up on anti-depressants. I don't think that'll happen this time; I have a nice room to retreat to now. . I think I'll be fine. Just really freakin busy.
:)

One quarter of a century

Well today is it. My 25th birthday. It has been a good one, I can honestly say. I went to church this morning for the first time in months and enjoyed it for the most part. It's still hard for me to actually be there. I know it will be difficult for awhile. I'm going to try to keep going. Then after church I came home, had some lunch and went to a movie. I was going to go by myself but then my roommate came too. She didn't know it was my birthday today and I didn't want to be like "it's my birthday, you have to do something" but then she just out of the blue asked when it was and couldn't believe it was today and that i hadn't said anything. :) So we went to the movies and she's going to buy me dinner tonight.
We saw the movie Rumor Has It. I liked it, there were a couple of weird parts but that's hollywood for ya. It was interesting because the first thing the main character says is something about not knowing who she was. She was supposed to be about 33 I think. . .I don't want to be that old and still not like who I am. Or know who I am.
My friend Val brought up the fact that I need to come to a point where I can deal with myself before I can be content. I'm not sure how to do that. Another friend brought up making myself point out the positives. I'm thinking of going back to counseling too. I really shouldn't have stopped, I don't think. I think when it comes down to it, I don't like myself. I don't see myself as anyone who is worth anything. I mean even today, I didn't want to point out that it was birthday even though I know my roommate would genuinely want to celebrate with me. If I would have thought about it earlier I probably could've asked some people over and they would have loved to come. But. . .I just . . .I don't know.
I think I want to try to get to know God again, somehow. I want to get past all of my dislikes about american christianity and try to see who God really is.
I'm tired of being trapped in this little world of hating myself. It gets really hard.

Anyway, here's to being 25. . .I hope it turns out better than I think it will.

Thoughts

Ok just a warning this will probably be a downer of a post. I'm in a downer mood this evening and want to get some stuff out.
I just went to get some pizza and was thinking about this on the way there, in the store, and on the way back.
I'm going to be 25 on Sunday. One quarter of a century. My life has not been anything that I thought it would be. I always figured I'd be like my sister. She went to college, met someone, got married, had kids. . . it's not perfect, I know, but I get so envious of her sometimes. Her life just seems together.

I just have a hard time being happy with my life.
Sure I'm going to graduate from school this year (3 years later than originally planned) but thanks to my wonderful credit card use, I'm going to have to wait at least 2 years if not more before I actually go on with my career, which I feel like I'm just settling for because I can't do what I would love to do. I'm not even going to say what that is because it's just so out there. So instead I want to study medicine. Not a dishonorable profession but I'm afraid that with my gpa it will not become a reality for me.
You know what I really wish? I wish I could just be content. I wish I could joyful over all even though things aren't like I thought they'd be. I wish I thought that if something actually bad happened to me, I could actually handle it. I mean so much has happened to people lately: hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, and deaths and none of it has happened to me. My life hasn't been that hard really. Yet I hate it. My life sucks. I have no hope for anything to ever go right.
I feel like such a. . . . not necessarily a screw up but kinda like that. I mean, why did I have to be the depressed one? The one that spends too much money? the one who is undisciplined, angry, and bitter?
After I graduate, I have to get a job. A job that will help me start paying off my credit cards. I need to pay them off before I even think about anything else. Plus student loans. I know, I know almost every college grad has to deal with that. But with the other bills to pay, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I've thought about moving back to Illinois...I can live at my grandma's old house (meaning no rent to pay) and I'll be closer to my family but the thing is it scares me. I feel like if I go back I'll have to stay forever.
Colorado hasn't quite turned out like I thought it would. For the most part I like it but I just figured I'd end up happier. I don't even know what I expected.
I also thought maybe I'd be more on track with the whole God thing. I don't trust God at all. Anytime anything is mentioned about God, Jesus, or Christianity I just get squirmy. I don't like the small-minded conservative type of American Christianity that I see at my school, in my family, and so many people that I am around. Is there something else? Of course, at the same time I can't say that I like the super liberal Christianity that doesn't seem to believe anything too concrete at all.
So I don't know. I guess I'll just go to school and try to get by and try to ignore the unhappiness. Maybe one of these days I'll become numb to it.
Like I said, I know my life hasn't been too hard. I haven't had to deal with anything really major. Which makes me feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. oh well.

The states I have visited

create your own visited states map

now technically I've been to Arizona but only just enough to get to Las Vegas. . . . so I didn't include it. I may have also driven through South Carolina at some point but I don't remember.

New Year

I go back to CO on Wednesday. I have mixed feelings about it. I'll be glad to be back to my own place and I'm excited to start my last semester (I am actually graduating, I never thought I'd make it!) but on the other hand tonight after I left my sister's house I just cried and cried. I will miss my family so much. Tonight my parents, brother, grandparents, and sister's family got together for me and my neice and nephew's birthdays; it was great. After we ate, we played a game that the kids got. It's a kids game so they were all excited and just playful and outgoing.They've grown up so much! My neice is so sweet and fun (when she gets wound up, she is wound up big time) and my nephew is this little silly, kooky boy. So much time has passed. I was only 16 when my neice was born, my nephew was born two years later. I was only 12 when my sister and her husband started dating. Doesn't seem possible.
I know the new year is always a time to think back on the previous year and look ahead to the next. I don't know what will happen after I graduate but it looks like it will be better for me to stay in Colorado. I've really gone back and forth about it. I really want to try to have a better outlook on life this year.....I realized how pessimistic I've been lately and I really want to change that.
my brother wants his computer now so I'll write when I get back home.
Happy New Year!

Christmas

Well my time in the midwest has been nice. Mom and I went shopping almost everyday before Christmas (well not really but it felt like it). My sister and her family came over Christmas Eve to have lunch and open presents. My neice liked the scarf I made for her. I ended up undoing all of it (2 small yarn bunches worth) a week before so I could make it thinner. It was too wide for an almost 9 year old. But I do wish I had made it longer, but oh well. she said that with the yarn I have left I can make her a hat.
Christmas day we went to my grandparents' house. All of our extended family was there including my grandpa's brother and his wife. In all I think we had 23 people there! That's the most we've had in a long time. And my grandparents' house isn't very big. There was even a table set up in the living room; that was the first time in all my life I was allowed to eat in my grandmother's living room. :)
After we all open our presents we have a wrapping paper fight. It's a lot of fun.
Being around all of them got me to thinking about some things. My grandma mentioned how thankful we all should be. My cousin got in a pretty bad car wreck a few months ago. (i think it was during the summer) he hurt his back pretty badly, a lot of ribs, his thumb, and some other bones were broken. From the looks of him yesterday he has recovered pretty well. Something funny he said was how when he got thrown from the car, his shoes came off, his wallet came out of his pocket as well as his cell phone, but he was still holding his cigarette. He cracked up about that but did add that he got rid of it right away. how crazy is that?
My other cousin had her little boy, her live-in boyfriend, and his daughter were there. I could definitely tell the daughter feels very left out of the family. My cousin doesn't seem to treat her very well. . .and her dad although he has gotten better definitely likes paying more attention to his son. I watched her throughout the day and she definitely looked sad. I don't think she has any contact with her mom at all. I only see her once a year maybe so it's hard to feel like I know her at all. Plus she's only like 11; I don't do well with 11 year olds.
My family does have a lot to be thankful for really. To the point that thinking of some of my friends' families really makes my heart just ache. Well it makes my heart ache anyway. I have a few that have really faced some challenging things over the past year or so. I try to pray but the words seem so hollow and I've never been good at the encouraging bit. I hope they all know that I am always thinking of them anyway and know my heart goes out to them.
OH! and now I know how to quote stuff and creat a link! All of the little buttons at the stop of when you type an entry don't show up on my computer when I use safari (the mac web browser). I'm using my brother's computer and all this new stuff just pops up! ha!

I did it!!!!!!!!!

I got an A- in organic chemistry!!!!!!!!!!! And an A in lab!!!!!!!!! I am so freakin excited!!!!!! Woohooo!!!!!

Study, study, study

So, this week is finals week. I have my Physics and Organic Chemistry final tomorrow (Monday). I've done pretty good at studying. If I really just buckle down today I think I'll be fine. The physics final will be a little bit of a joke since we are allowed to use our notes. At this point, though, I really don't care. I really don't understand much of it; I just need a decent grade.
I leave Thursday to go home for the holidays. Mom and dad are picking me up then we're going to go to Chipotle. Dad loves the place! I've always joked that one of these days I was going to go buy a couple of burritosand take it on the plane with me for my parents. Now I don't have to if I fly to Indianapolis. There's one just a few miles from the airport!
One of my roommates got me wonderfully comfortable slippers for Christmas and a coffee mug with a J on it. I bought my other roommate a small box of Godiva chocolate. She literally squealed with delight. I bought some for family as well, but I may have to go back...I can think of a few other people who might enjoy some. :) Hell! I want some too, the truffles are SO good.

Do you ever have little things that just annoy the crap out of you? I do. (surprise, surprise) I need to vent them for a little bit here, maybe it'll help me let go....first, my roommates didn't want to buy trash bags after the ones I bought ran out because there were some left from the people who lived here before, a whole roll of them. Now these trash bags are smaller than we need for the trash can and thin and my roommates never (ok almost never) bother to empty the trash when it's full. because it's too small the edges always fall into the can and they just keep piling stuff on and never bother to fix it. It drives me nuts! I hate taking out the trash to begin with so I got into the habit of buying fairly sturdy bags with flaps that fit over the edge and they are easy to tie. That way I don't have to worry about the bag breaking or stuff falling out. Why am I the only one who wants to make this easy? I bought some trash bags and I would love to use them except I don't want to if they're never going to buy them. So I try to not let the little thin stupid trash bags bother me, but oh well. Today i couldn't resist, i put a good one in the trash can. Maybe someone will notice the difference.
And I don't understand making a cup of tea and then leaving the tea bag in the cup and putting it in the sink. Why can't they just throw the tea bag away?
I also don't like how they just throw dishes into the cupboard to where there's a big bowl on top of a little bowl. I am too used to my family who arranges things in an organized fashion in the cupboard. Big plates, then little plates. Big bowls, then little bowls. less risk of them all just collapsing! Oh and then where our pots and pans are: they take some out and then after they're clean they just throw them in on top of whatever's in there. So there's a little frying pan or a little lid carrying the weight of a huge pot. Again, I think I'm just used to my family's arranging things in an organized fashion.

Ok sorry to vent about these tiny, trivial things. I just needed to get them out.

Seven Things Tag

So today I got tagged by Val (sorry still don't how to make a link) and because I really don't want to do my organic homework I thought I'd give it a try. Here goes:
Seven Things Tag

Seven Things to do Before I Die:

1. Go to Europe (especially France, Italy, and England)
2. Go to New York City
3. Go whale watching (specifically for orcas)
4. Attend a fashion show
5. Take a really awesome picture
6. Go to South America
7. Donate money and work with some kind of relief/research/charity organization

Seven Things I cannot Do:

1. Speak a foreign language (I stole that one)
2. Ski (that should be above on what I want to do before I die, I do live in CO, after all!)
3. Understand Physics
4. Tap dance
5. Sing opera (not that I really want to)
6. Paint
7. Talk to single, available men (ha! I couldn't think of anything else)

Seven Things That Attract me to my Husband
I'll let you know in about 20 years......
But to switch it up for all my single and fabulous friends:

Seven Things I Love About Being Single

1. I can go just about anywhere I want, when I want
2. My money (what little of it there is) is all mine
3. I can go to the movies by myself (seriously I'm going to hate having to go to the movies with a boyfriend now that I'm so used to going by myself)
4. More time to study! woohoo!
5. Possibilities are endless for me right now without having to worry about someone else's plans
6. I can do just about whatever I want, when I want
7. um. . .I can't really think of anything else at this point. Basically no one else to worry about!

Seven Things I say Most Often:

1. Crap
2. Shit
3. Idiot
4. I hate physics
5. I want Chipotle
6. Stupid, freaking idiot (used mostly when driving)
7. Damn it

Seven Books or Series I Love:

1. Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
2. Cast A Long Shadow by Ruth Childers Seamands
3. Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
4. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
5. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
6. Face Forward by Kevyn Aucoin
7. and my new fav: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (even though I haven't finished yet)

Seven Movies I would watch over and over and over and...

1. White Christmas
2. Meet Me in St. Louis
3. Anchors Aweigh
4. While You Were Sleeping
5. Rent
6. Chicago
7. Guys and Dolls

Seven people to tag:
I don't know seven people who have blogs that haven't already been tagged just.....Kristi! Have at it!

Windy and stuck

90 mph winds were clocked in Golden today. Which is like 5 miles from here. 90....that's hurricane force winds. It sucks. It snowed here Friday night/Saturday morning, which is absolutely beautiful but now it is supposed to be super cold and windy.
AND today was the first my truck got stuck in the snow and I had to get pushed out day of the season! woohoo! (please recognize intense sarcasm here).
Oh well, I'd rather have Colorado winter weather than Illinois winter weather anyday. I'd much rather have snow than ice or a mixture thereof. It really is beautiful when it snows here. All the snow sticks to the trees and then the sun comes out and it's all shimmery and silvery. ok yes, Illinois does get snow...but there's just something different about it here that I love.

so here's to the snow, 20 degree temps, and hurricane-force winds! (I'm trying so hard to be optimistic and cheerful)

God

I don't know what to think about God. This week in chapel I sat there listening to Larry Crabb talking about prayer being a way to build our relationship with God (instead of being a give me, give me thing) and I sat there going "yeah, right." I have a hard time believing that God actually cares about me. I don't know how to have a relationship with God. I'm still convinced I will end up having a life that I hate if I really trust God. He knows that, I've told him that a million times. How do I get away from thinking that? There are things that I can't stand about Christianity and those things have influenced my idea of who God is. I'm not sure how to change that or if I want to.
I have never felt that I fit in the typical Christian atmosphere...but I don't feel comfortable in non-Christian circles either.
Oh! I don't know. I guess I'll figure it out sometime.

Ok, enough about God.
Yesterday I saw Pride and Prejudice. It is SO good. Now, I've never read the book (I started reading last night, so hopefully I'll get through) so I don't know how "true" it is to it, but nevertheless, I absolutely love it. It has a wonderful cast including the guy who plays Mr. Darcy. Oh! He's wonderful! At one point he's walking across the field with his long coat blowing in the wind and just the way he walks is so. . . manly and sexy. He's the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. I love the story. It was a real romantic story unlike a lot of the movies that come out nowadays (even though i like those too).

Only two more weeks of school then it's back to good old Illinois for a few weeks. I'm excited to see my family.

I know that there's no point in living in the past or having regrets but there are times that I really wish I could turn back time. I wish I could go back and be like 20 again. Then I would be able to change my decision to drop out of school. No matter how much I hated GC I really wish I would've stayed. Then I wouldn't be almost 25 and feel like my life is worth nothing. I feel so behind other people my age. I see fellow classmates and I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they are young and have more going for them than me. I wish I could go back at least 5 years and make everything change. I guess things may not have been different if I'd made other decisions...if I really could go back I'd want to go back all the way to my childhood. I would've been raised differently, I would have been a better-adjusted child, I would've been able to stand up for myself. I wouldn't be the angry, bitter person that I have become. I really hate my life right now. I hate that I still haven't finished school, I hate that my parents still have to help me financially, I hate that I'm so obsessed with having stuff that I have racked up a bunch of debt, I hate that no matter how hard I seem to try there is always something that seems to hold me back from doing things I want to do or being successful. I'm just. . .tired. Tired of being like I am. I want to change. I want things to be better. I want to have some kind of hope again. I want to live, not just go through the motions.
And where is God in all this hate and want? Who knows. I don't trust God. I don't see what God could actually provide. And what I figure he wants from me I don't feel like I can live up to.

I guess somehow I will just keep going.

Shopping

So today I went shopping with my roommate. It was so depressisng. I couldn't buy anything. I probably won't buy any Christmas gifts until I go home mainly so I don't have to take them with me on the plane. And the gifts I do get will all be as cheap as possible. I didn't even find anything that I'd get for anyone, everything I saw I want for myself. A new purse (or two), a zip-up cashmere hoodie, shoes, various beauty products, etc. I really want a new purse. But not just any purse, a Coach purse. Only $300 or $400. That's all.
There were a ton of clothes I saw that were so cute. But even if I could buy them, I couldn't fit into them. I hate being poor and fat.
The whole time I walking through the mall all I was thinking is how much I wanted to buy something and how much I hated that I couldn't. The only thing I bought was lunch. I wish I had money.

RENT

is AWESOME! Go see it, right now. Drop everything and go see it.
Ok, ok if you really have something pressing to do, hurry up, do it, and go!
:)
I need to go to NY and see it on Broadway.

So...

it's Thanksgiving break now. I made it through the week. I spent all last weekend studying. I did pretty well about sticking to my schedule. By Sunday night I was about ready to burst though. I had been studying Physics all day. I still didn't understand it. It was soo frustrating. I didn't do well on my test. I was so upset. I sat in class trying not to just burst into tears. I spent so much time on Physics that I didn't get to study chemistry as much as I wanted to so I probably didn't do very well on that test either. Figures, I try to be good and study and do crappy on both tests. Ah!
I still have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. So during break I'll be doing that.
I helped a friend of mine and her husband move yesterday. It was fun hanging out with them but I am so sore! They moved from a 3rd floor apartment to another 3rd floor apartment. Definitely got some exercise yesterday! I'm spending Thanksgiving with them. I'm going to make broccoli casserole and an apple pie. And we're having turkey of course. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it even though I'd rather be with my family.

So I think my roommates pretty much hate me. Ok maybe not hate me, but I don't think they like me much. I'll come in and say hi and tell them something and they're just like "that's nice" but then they'll sit around and talk, talk, talk. They are in the same master's program so they do have more in common, I guess. But it's still hard. I feel so left out of things sometimes. I don't feel like I could ask them to do anything or hang out. I want to go see Rent on Wednesday when it comes out and my roommate wants to see it too, but I am afraid to ask if she wants to go together because I figure she has already made plans to see it with someone. So I'll just go alone. Speaking of movies, I saw Walk the Line yesterday. It was soooo good. I want to see it again. Of course everytime I see a movie like that it just makes me wish I could be a singer or an actress. Maybe if med school and grad school don't work out I'll just have to move to Nashville. Ha!

I wish I had my own place. That way I could see people only when I want to. And I don't have to be made to feel bad if I'm not keeping up with cleaning or if I want to watch something on TV. And the dishes will be placed in the cupboard properly.

Redemption

So, I have the chance to redeem myself from last weekend. First, my Physics test was postponed to Monday. Then my organic chem homework duedate was postponed to Monday. So while that means a crazy busy week, I have all weekend to make myself focus and study and get everything done. Which is good. So I'm glad. I have a study plan put together. I even have motivational sayings scheduled to pop up every few hours to maybe help keep me going. :) Cheesy huh?

I'm so determined to make sure I just plow through my homework this weekend. I've got to. I want to. I ended up being all motivated to get work done Monday night and I have been mostly throughout this week. So I hope it keep being that way. It will be.

I keep thinking about moving back to Illinois. How crazy is that? I mean I really like Colorado but sometimes I feel like there's nothing keeping me here. I have a few friends out here, but not really close ones. Even though I probably wouldn't live very close to my close friends in Illinois...I don't know. I'm afraid if I leave Colorado I'm going to regret it. It's so gorgeous out here and I like the weather (for the most part). How could I leave the mountains and the pretty snow (as opposed to flat, icy plains)? I really miss my family and friends though.
I need to decide. If I want to do further schooling out here then I need to get a Colorado license so I can get in-state tuition for University of Colorado. There's not really anywhere in IL I would want to go to school except maybe Chicago. . .and that would end up being just as expensive as living out here (and at least it's not so freakin windy and cold here).

Before I go crazy

I decided that before Physics drove me too much more crazy, I would write, since it's been awhile. Right now Physics is making me feel really dumb. I have 6 chapters of problems to do. Some of them are almost finished but I still have like 30 problems to do. Two chapters I haven't even been through yet. I try to read through the chapters but it's like it's in Japanese. I don't really understand anything. I also have to write up 10 labs for my lab notebook. I really don't know when that's going to get done. I can't wait until Thanksgiving. But I still have so much to do before then. Tests in all my classes, lots to read, essays to write.
It's days like these when I just think "how the hell do I expect to actually go to med school?" I know I have plenty of other options even if I don't. But I'm not ready to give up on that yet! I always start going towards some goal and then I give up. This is the first thing I've tried to do that I haven't given up on. I'm still a Bio major and I really enjoy it. But I always get caught up on something that just brings me down so much. This time its Physics. I find it so hard to sit down and concentrate. And then it's frustrating because I don't understand it and I don't know how to. I don't know how to study for it. I looked online for some study help but there's not much help.
It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing for long periods of time. I came home Thursday and watched TV for like 8 hours. That's it. I didn't do anything else. And then Friday the same thing, even though I should've started homework.
I have no idea how to make myself actually get focused and do the work I need to. Even making a list and specifying when I'm going to do each thing doesn't work. I mean there are times when I can make myself focus and get things done, but it's not a constant. It's like I'll be able to concentrate in spurts. It's so frustrating.

Last night I started thinking about how in two months I will be 25. It's not like I thought it was going to be. I'm still in school, I'm alone, and my future is still as unclear as ever. I know things will work out the way they're supposed to but sometimes it's really hard to believe.

I really hope I get to go home for Christmas. It would really suck to be alone on Christmas.

I did it!!!

I got an A on my organic chemistry test!!!!!!! I really did!!!!! I was so excited.

My field trips were fun.

Tonight I am going out to dinner with a few other Bio majors and hte Provost of the university to discuss some things having to do with the science dept. There are some major improvements that need to be made. We need more professors, better labs, and more encouragement. Also a woman who is an MD and also a lawyer is going to be there for us to talk to and give us some advice. It should be fun! And the provost is paying! ;)

So apparently a student got attacked a few weeks ago. Almost no one knew about it. I was outraged. This is the kind of thing we should know about! I wrote an e-mail to the pres and his cabinet about how I was extremely upset of how the situation was handled. I think it makes people more fearful if they don't know what's going on.

Should be a good night! And this weekend I have a lot of homework to do! yayayyay!!!

Wine and dine

One of the women I live with spent some time in the Peace Corps and lived in Morocco. So, on Saturday she made Moroccan food and invited a bunch of people over.
At first I was like "oh great a bunch of people! ahhh!" But then people brought wine. . .we had 3 bottles and some sangria. And between about 10 people we drank it all. I guess that's not a huge deal. It was fun though. I didn't know any of the people but we all just talked and laughed.

I also went to a wedding this weekend. A friend I used to work with got married. It was fun until the dancing started. i like dancing but not in front of anyone. I dance in my living room when no one's home. I did today. I got home and danced around the house. It was fun. The wedding reminded me that I do want a relationship someday but I know I need to wait until I am ready and wait for the right person. I do admit, I wish it would be soon! :)

I get to go on two field trips tomorrow. Yes that's right, field trips. :) One to the Celestial Seasonings factory in Boulder and then one to an observatory. It should be fun.

I have so much schoolwork to do and catch up on. Ick! But I'll get it done somehow. I just need to sit down and do everything.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

No world series for the cardinals this year.
They always mess up. They do so well and then they mess up.

not until the playoffs

As it says in the little "about me" section I love the St. Louis Cardinals. I really do. I never watch games though until the playoffs. Which I completely spaced on. until tonight! It's the NCLS and the Cards beat the Astros in game 1. Game 2 is tonight. bottom of the 3rd, Astros up 1-0.
The Cardinals deserve to win! It's their year! It has to be! What better way to close out the last season at Busch Stadium (which, btw, I'm still pissed about. I never got to go to a game this season) than winning the World Series? the stupid Red Sox had their moment now it's the Cardinals turn.
man, if they get into the World Series, I think I'd do just about anything to go to a game. How absolutely awesome would that be?

Undesirable

So the last few days a little part of me has been thinking about the fact that I just feel totally undesirable. I try not to worry about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend or any male friends around at all but sometimes it's hard. I haven't had a guy interested in me in about 4 years now. And it took me about lets see 3 of those years to get over that guy. I guess 4 years isn't a lot but. . .it feels like it. I'm going to be 25 soon. My closest friends are all married and finding the right guy is like the number 1 thing I want.
I am trying to focus on school. . .right now, it's my top priority and really I'm so busy I wouldn't have time for that kind of relationship. But I can't help but wish there was something going on in that department.
Like I said I try not to think about this. I try to be happy being single. But sometimes it's just hard. Am I really that bad? Around here I feel like the fattest, ugliest girl around. I'm surrounded by all these cute little blonde girls that all the guys flock too. It's sickening. Also, I really am surrounded by boys here. I'm an old woman around here. (apparently i don't look it. no one believes how old I am)

What's funny is I couldn't stand being around my roommates last year because they always said things like this. Another funny thing is I live with a 35 year old single woman who is so content being single it makes me sick. Around her I just feel like the stupid, fickle little girl.

Ok done now. I'll get back to being obsessed about organic chemistry.

A little better

Well my week started off kinda crappy but the last few days haven't been as bad. My classes today went smoothly and I feel a little more together. Together enough to be able to work on the homework I have this weekend. And I am determined to go out and have some fun this weekend even if it's just out to dinner. Or maybe I'll go see a movie. I was thinking of going hiking as well. I can't do all that though. Organic chemistry beckons!
I got to thinking again this week about how I still want to be a doctor. I just HAVE to push through the things that I feel hold me back and just do it. I have to believe I can do it.
Last night my roommate made a good observation. I was in my room listening to some music and I was singing along. My roommate said "you're not crying, so that's good." She's right! I could be in my room crying because i think my life sucks but instead I was jamming to some music and relieving some tension. It got me to a place where I can relax.

I have to start doing research for a paper I have to write. My topic is how Christians should respond to initiatives to legalize same-sex marriage. It's going to be difficult. But, there is definitely a lot of info out there! I got excited about it this afternoon after receiving the latest issue of Time. The cover story is about adolescent homosexuals. i started talking to my roommates about it. Here is what I'm thinking: If Christians are going to be so concerned with making sure gays can't get married because it's a supposedly "unhealthy" and "unnatural" relationship, then they need to look at the fact that the divorce rate among Christans is almost the same as among non-Christians. There is something wrong with how Christians view relationships and how churches are dealing with it. I don't necessarily think that same-sex marriage is what God intended for marriage but I also don't think God intended for heterosexual marriages to be abusive and messed up as a lot of them are these days. It's not about homo vs. hetero marriage. . .it's deeper than that. It's about the individual person and their sexuality and. . . .their humanness.
You also have to consider the definition of marriage. What is it? I don't really know. I see the marriages around me: my parents, my sister, and some of my friends. Is marriage just a human institution that is proved by a marriage certificate? Or is it something else? Is it a spiritual union that mirrors God's desired relationship with humans? Or what?
What is happening that people do not have healthy relationships? I know in my Christian upbringing I was never taught how to relate to men. I was told to not have sex. Big deal. What about everything else? I also wasn't taught to stand up for myself; I thought I always had to play the part of the submissive female.

There are so many parts of this. You have to look at the definition of marriage, how much Christians should get involved in public policy (how far do you go before it violates the 1st amendment), and how much freedom should be entitled to people.
It's difficult to determine. Although legally our nation isn't a Christian nation (as in it's our official religion), there is so much Christian influence because it's such a huge part of our history.
Are Christians demanding so much freedom for themselves that they forget our nation provides everyone should have those same freedoms?

Ok I could go on forever. I need to go to bed.

What am I doing?

So again I am asking myself what am I doing? More like what the f*&% am I doing? I started this school year being very motivated and excited about the classes I was taking. And little by little it has all fallen apart. And it's only been a little over a month! I have two full months left.
I didn't do very well on my physics test. It made me really mad. I know I didn't study as well as I needed to for it but the test itself was actually very simple. I don't like the way the points were assigned. There were 20 questions, each worth 5 points. Doesn't sound too bad right? Except that half the problems were true/false. So one true/false question was worth the same amount of points as a problem you had to work out. I just don't like that. If you miss too many t/f questions you're already screwed and there's still half the test left.
I just feel like. . . I can never do anything good enough. There is always something keeping me back from doing as well as I know I can. But it's like I'm just not willing to do it. But I want to. I want to be able to study and do really well in my classes. I want this education I'm getting to actually allow me to do something good with my life. This weekend when I volunteered at the hospital it made me say "yes, I want to do this." But so much is dependent on my grades that I don't think I'll be able to.
Why can't I focus? Why can't I manage to do the things I know I need to so I can be successful? Is this God trying to tell me I shouldn't be going into the medical field? Or is it just the same things that have plagued me since I was young that are going to get in my way no matter what I try to do? Are things from my childhood (always being "smarter" than the school required me to be, so I didn't have to try hard, never establishing good study habits, etc) always going to plague me?
What do I do? I want to finish this last year of school as strong as possible, med school or not. How can I change my behavior and my mindset?
I let things like this test grade get me down so much, it turns into a slippery slope (i did horrible on the test so I'll do horrible in the class and I'll never get into med school or anything else).
I hate thinking like that. I hate thinking my life is meaningless. I hate thinking that I don't want to live my life if it's always going to be this hard. I hate thinking that I am not good enough.

Big leap

So I did something yesterday. . .I cut up my credit cards. . .well except one for emergencies (and by emergencies I mean if I need $10 in gas because it's almost maxed out) and one that I hid away in case I need to use it for tuition and books next semester. It's scary. The only money I have now is what is in my bank account and it's not a lot. And even though my parents have been absolutely wonderful about helping me out it's been hard on them ever since they moved and my mom isn't working.
What am I going to do? Oh yeah find a freakin job. I hate job hunting. And I'm so picky. I don't want to work retail, I wouldn't mind trying a restaurant but there aren't many good ones around here. The problem is that I need something that I will make decent money. I'm not just some little high schooler who needs money so they can go to the movies.

So I realized the other day that i'm going to have to work after I graduate and pay off my credit cards before I think about continuing my education. I don't even know if I will mess with taking the MCAT right away because I don't know if I'll be able to afford the cost of applying to medical school. And with my bills I don't know if I'll be able to afford to even go right away because I wouldn't be able to work. Even if I don't go to med school I won't be able to go to grad school (maybe if I went somewhere here part-time, but not if I want to go to England) until I get some of my debt paid off.
The biggest thing is my credit cards. But what about my school loans? I was thinking that if I could still be taking 6 hours of classes (there are still classes I need to take before med or grad school) then I could avoid having to pay them off. But if I find something making enough money then maybe I could at least pay what I can until I do what's next.
oh this is stressful. But I'm going to do it. I need to. I HAVE to. Even if it means putting off things like new clothes, a car, and England. But I don't want to put them off for too long. ;-)

did I mention that before I cut up and put away my credit cards that I bought a jacket, undergarments, and some shirts? One last spree. :)

Link

Can someone tell me how to create a link?

Today my friend would have been mad at my genetics prof. check out her blog, it's good stuff: http://newwaylc.blogspot.com

thoughts of today

I started thinking yesterday how I want to move to a foreign country at some point. Probably not for very long, maybe just a couple of years, but at some point I want to. I have no idea how to go about doing that though. I even thought "what if I go somewhere after I graduate? I can take some time before I go to med school or grad school. . ." I should talk to one of my aunts. One lives in England (that is where I'm leaning towards, france or italy would be nice but that would be harder because I don't know anybody there and the language) and the other lives in the Dominican Republic. (I don't want to live there because of the hurricanes). Anyway I could talk to one of them about what I have to do. How cool would that be to pick up and move to a different country?
Which led me to thinking that maybe I should plan on taking some time off after I graduate. I wonder if I should so that I can work and get serious about paying off some of my credit cards before I think about continuing my schooling. But then that brings up the question, would I be able to find a good enough job that would pay enough to actually allow me to pay off my credit cards? And I'd be paying school loans too (maybe, I need to take a few more classes after I graduate so I may be able to put off paying the loans if I wanted to). I don't know. I do know that I hate being in debt and something has got to change. BIG time. It's my own fault, I know. I just need to be happy with not buying things. Right now the problem is that I don't have a job and so I'm having to use credit to buy necessities like gas and food. Next weekend I'll go fill out some applications. . .the past few weeks I've been studying like crazy for tests. I hate job hunting. Especially now because all the retail places will only be looking for holiday help and I need something more than that. Just part time but more than holiday. I don't want to work retail anyway because it's almost christmas and I hate working christmas.

This morning I read some of my book for one of my classes. It's called American Jesus by Stephen Prothero. It is about all of the forms Jesus has taken in the United States. The author is very clear that he's not trying to make a statement about who Jesus was or is (like calling him the messiah or something) but it's just to look back at how Americans have portrayed him throughout the years. It's a very good book. I highly recommend it. Today I read about Jesus the Rabbi. In the 20s and 30s, Jews in America started recognizing Jesus, as a Jew and as a prophet like Moses and Jeremiah. They weren't accepting Jesus as the Messiah but they were rejecting that he was a Jew. In the Middle Ages, Jews rejected Jesus completely especially because of the fact Christians constantly called them "Christ-killers." Which amazes me that people could be so well dumb. They just dwelled on that so much. I mean the whole point of Christianity was that Jesus died and was resurrected. And people still dwell on it today. Just look at when "The Passion" came out. There was even a church that posted on their billboard (or whatever the board is out in front of the church, i can't think of what it's called) some verse that said something about the Jews killing Jesus. I was just like "who the hell cares? You're missing the point."

Oh and this week in class (a gen ed all seniors are required to take) we talked basically about the point of Christianity. We talked about the Bible and how we read it. One thing that was said was, "The Resurrection helps us understand the Bible, just as telos helps us understand the Resurrection. The Resurrection is the context and fulfillment of the whole canon." Many times in Prothero's book (mentioned about) he talks about liberal Protestants who reject the idea that Christ was resurrected. Now even though I feel like I've moved away from my conservative Christian roots I can't go that far left. One thing that I thought during the lecture was "I've never doubted the resurrection or the significance of Jesus (at least not too much). I don't have a problem with saying Jesus died and rose again. I've had a problem with everything else." I've had a problem with the Bible and how much authority it has. I've had a problem with the teachings of Paul. I really wonder if the Christianity Paul wrote about is what Jesus really wanted. Did Jesus even want there to be a whole new religion? Do people have to accept Christianity in order to accept Jesus?
So even though I don't know about all that stuff, yet, I do know this, I believe that Jesus was the Messiah, that he died for the sins of the world, and was resurrected. And I do believe that without this there is no point to Christianity. Like my professor eluded to in his lecture, without the resurrection you may as well find a new religion. Buddhism and other religions are a lot more helpful if you just want to live a good life. I agree with him.

Here is the link to the PowerPoint presentation (I don't know how to actually make it a link. . .so you'll just have copy and paste): http://faculty.ccu.edu/jmallinson/ (if that doesn't take you directly to it, click on "classes" and then it's the first class listed (INT 402 - Monday powerpoint 9/19)

crazy blog

well I had wrote the "what to do with discouragement" post before the "discouragement" post but it wasn't showing up and the website said there was an error when I tried to post it. so now basically there's two of hte same post. oh well.

Discouragement

Well this has been the kind of week I expected to have. Things were going too well and I was feeling too happy and confident. I had my first organic chemistry test and I didn't do too well. It just really sucks because I feel like I'm actually understanding stuff but the test didn't reflect that.
So then I was just bummed. Everytime I do badly on something like this it just get me so down that I don't want to do anything. I try to tell myself I can do better next time and I still have time to improve but. . .it's still hard.
I also had a genetics test which I would've done well on except there were these two 15 point genetics problems, like with the punnet square stuff. It wasn't just mixing AaBb with AaBb either so I don't know how well I did. We've never done anything like them except for a homework assignment that we never went over or anything. I don't like when professors do that. This professor especially because he really doesn't know what he's doing. He's not a genetics person. But that is a whole different story.

And so this weekend I will be studying for another class that the prof doesn't know what he's doing. He knows physics but he doesn't know how to teach. It's pointless to go to class. oh well.

I always seem to write something when I'm in a bad mood. Really things haven't been too bad. I really need a job but I don't know how I'll squeeze that in. But I don't have a choice. It's just hard to find something good. With the exception of this week, school has been going pretty good.

what to do with discouragement

So today I got my organic chemistry test back. I got a 77. I was not happy. I feel like I'm actually understanding everything, I studied, I was really hopeful that I would do well. So for the rest of the day (including when a 3rd year med student came to talk to us) I was just discouraged and depressed and couldn't concentrate.
I feel like I am not successful at anything I try to do.
I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I am just going to be let down. Then I feel like everytime something like a bad test grade I get down enough that I can't do anything to get out of it.
I have a genetics test tomorrow and I haven't really studied. I can't. I just figure I don't have enough time to actually study to a point I will do well so what's the point? And that's what happens.
For the last few weeks I was hopeful that things were going well and I was optimistic that I was going to do well this semester. But now at least for today I'm totally discouraged. And probably will be again as soon as I take my genetics test and then I have a physics test next Wednesday!
How can I just learn to not be discouraged? And just deal with a bad grade in a healthy way? I don't know. I really don't.

always self-involved

ok so even that last post was all self-involved.

blahblahblah

fooey

i need to study now. what a great Sunday.

rambling thoughts

I didn't even realize what day it was until I got on the internet and saw something about a ceremony in New York in memory of Sept. 11. I don't believe that was 4 years ago. I know for people involved and who lost loved ones, it seems like an eternity.
And now there's hurricane Katrina. The devastation is so massive. The pictures I've seen look like they're from a war zone. I've read so much about it and watched the TV reports. . . .I wish I could do something. I don't have any money to give, I can't go there. So here I am stuck here just watching the TV reports and reading magazine articles.
With the memories of 9/11, the hurricane, and things that have happened to friends and their friends I just sit here and wonder "what am I doing?" I complain so much about the little annoying occurances in my life, I complain about everything that doesn't go my way and I don't feel like I am able to "be there" for anyone. I don't feel like I can do anything for anyone. I just feel like I'm so wrapped up in how crappy I think my life is that I have no perspective.
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who loses a parent?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who is struggling with depression?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who doesn't know what they're supposed to do with their life?
How am I supposed to be a sister and a daughter to a family who is so far away?
How am I supposed to deal with my life, knowing it is significant but still care about other people?

I don't know. I don't know at all.

All alone

Tonight is an all alone night. Even though my two roommates are here. And it's a night that I am reminded of how I so easy let everyone walk all over me. And a night that I figure that the world would be wonderful if I was just alone. Or not here at all.
Ok first of all, for those of you who know me, I know a lot about pop culture. I always read the magazines and watch entertainment tonight and shows on E!. I just think it's fun. Tonight I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards. They're pretty cool except they are overrun with rappers which I'm not into but there were going to be performances by bands I really liked. So I was watching up until 10 minutes ago when my roommates (who just sat down to eat dinner and hadn't been watching) said things like "isn't Gray's Anatomy on?" and "We need to watch this movie (bourne supremacy), can we?" Total disregard for the fact that I was watching something already. Enforcing the fact they weren't interested in watching what I was watching so they did what they could to get their way. So instead of saying "well I really want to watch this so I'd like to continue watching it" I just said go ahead (to the movie) and that I need to do some homework anyway. And now I am in here almost crying because I hate that I allow myself to do this. I mean really it's no big deal, MTV will show the awards show like 50 million times in the next few weeks anyway and there's a lot of stuff that usually goes on that I don't really like. But still why do I have to stop doing what I want in order to make everyone else happy? Why do I have to deny what I'm interested in so that other people get what they want? Why do I always have to feel like I'm unimportant and my interests are dumb and superficial? Yeah some of them are. I won't die if I can't watch the MTV VMAs but still the principle of it. . .it sucks. And I've always done this. I'm not someone who will pipe up and say "NO!" when I am being pushed out of the way.
I had hoped that I was going to change. I've always been like this. My interests, my needs, my wishes are unimportant. I can't have what I want. I have to deny myself of everything. That's what I've always felt. And if I try to stand up for myself I am considered a bitch and selfish, and rude, etc, etc, etc.

Green Day has a song called "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." One of the lines is: And I walk alone. I guess I just need to get used to that. Because I do. I walk alone.

good old pat robertson

If you read my "100 things" list then you saw that one of them says that I hate how people like Pat Robertson give the rest of us Christians a bad name.

Case in point:

Pat Robertson said that we should go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela since he thinks we're trying to anyway. Of course he since has made a public apology (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9047102/) but the damage has been done. I have a really problem with that man and the liberties he takes.
Now I will be honest part of me wants to send him a hot-headed e-mail calling him, in the words of Spike in the movie "Notting Hill," a daft prick but the other part of me just wants to pray that God will make him more aware of what he is saying and doing.

This semester I'm taking a general education course that they make all seniors take, Integrative Seminar. The theme of my class is "The Faces of Jesus." The first day we looked at different pictures of how Jesus is portrayed in America including "mocks" of Jesus like in the movie Dogma, the Buddy Christ. And we were asked "do images like this of Jesus result because people want to make fun of Jesus?" Some people said yes. The way people view Jesus is often skewed because of images like the buddy Christ. But then someone said, it's not because of that. They view Jesus in this way because of their interactions with Christians. The professor (and me in my head) was like "EXACTLY!"
Now I'm sure I've done my part in discouraging someone to be a Christian. I still struggle with what I believe. The other day I was telling my roommate that I see the kind of Christian I want to be and the kind of Christian I don't want to be and I don't know how to get to (or away) from it.

But I will keep trying.

The Whole Nine Yards

I'm watching that movie right now. I wanted to rent The Whole Ten Yards but Blockbuster didn't have it. I need to go get Fools Rush In too. If you are wondering what these movies have in common, here it is: They all have Matthew Perry in it. Who, for some reason, I am completely fascinated with lately. He's so adorable! Who cares that he's like 35. . .and has been in rehab a couple of times and crashed his Porsche into someone's home one time (that was awhile back). He's making two new movies right now. I can't wait! I can't get enough.

After Nine Yard, Charade starring Gary Grant and Audrey Hepburn is on. It's so good!!! If you've never seen it, it's the movie that Julia Roberts character in Pretty Woman is watching before the "piano" scene. It's wonderful.

I also have been pigging out today and not studying for my huge ass test that is on Wednesday!

Oh well

So here's to Dr. Pepper, popcorn, cheetos, Matthew Perry, Gary Grant, and the wonderful Audrey Hepburn! Yay, Saturday night!

Weak in the knees

Warning: extremely girly cheesy post to follow

The movie "head over heels" is really funny, silly but funny. In it the main female character gets weak in the knees about Freddie Prinze, Jr's character.
Well I hope that when I meet the man of my dreams I react to him the way that I reacted today to this amazingly gorgeous man that walked into the office today. All i said was hi to him. He was probably late 20s, early 30s, the the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He had beautiful, striking blue eyes. . . .And I only saw him for a moment. I was in the back of the office and had no idea what he was doing there. But I was definitely weak in the knees. . .

:)

Ok the cheesiness is over now.

I will go back to contemplating the really important questions of life, like . . .will I actually wake up tomorrow so I can get Starbucks before work like I've been trying to all week?

100 things about me

So my friend Val (www.ruminationsofordinary.blogspot.com) got this idea from another blogging friend of hers to list 100 things about her. So after reading 100 things about each of them I decided to go for it. :)

1. My name is Jodie
2. I am 24 years old
3. My birthday is on January 8
4. I am originally from Illinois
5. I do not have a hometown in IL
6. My dad is a minister
7. We moved every 4 to 5 years (which is why I don't have a hometown)
8. I have an older sister and a younger brother
9. My mom was a stay at home mom
10. My sister is married and has two adorable kids
11. My brother just graduated from college
12. I am in college right now
13. I graduate next May (finally)
14. I started college right out of high school, then after two years, I dropped out
15. After taking 2 years off I moved out to Colorado to go back to college
16. I am majoring in Biology
17. After graduation my preference of what I want to do is in this order: med school, pharmacy school, grad school, nursing
18. Although I want to go into medicine, I've always dreamed of being a recording artist
19. I like almost all kinds of music except rap
20. The only rap I do like is Will Smith
21. The high school I went to only had 100 people (it was public)
22. I played volleyball while in HS
23. I love the TV song "Friends"
24. I am watching reruns of Friends right now
25. I love the following shows on the WB: Gilmore Girls, Everwood, & One Tree Hill
26. I'm hooked on the edited-for-TBS version of Sex and the City
27. I love Coach handbags and accessories
28. My dream purse is a Louis Vuitton
29. I am a total girly-girl meaning I love clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup and InStyle magazine
30. I drive a Ford Ranger
31. My dream car is a BMW or Mercedes
32. My dream house is one in the mountains somewhere but still close to the city
33. My other dream house (or apartment rather) is in NYC
34. I've never been to NYC though
35. It's my number 1 dream US destination
36. There are so many places all over the world I want to go it would take more than the 64 spots on this list I have left
37. My favorite drink is mandarin orange Absolut vodka and Sprite with a slice of orange
38. I am a Christian
39. I feel like I am a horrible one most of the time
40. I want to learn how to surf
41. The best vacation I've had so far in my life was to North Carolina with two friends of mine
42. I want to learn how to ski
43. I have been to 28 states
44. I've only been to Arizona long enough to drive through the corner of it on the way to CA
45. My favorite movie is a tie between Singin In the Rain, American in Paris, and Anchors Aweigh all starring Gene Kelly
46. Oh! Meet Me in St. Louis is a part of the tie as well
47. Going to the movies is one of my favorite things
48. I like going to the movies by myself
49. I didn't want to see the first Lord of the Rings movie
50. My friends took me with them to see it
51. I absolutely loved it
52. I'm working at a title company right now
53. I have worked at a Wal-Mart portrait studio (it sucked)
54. After that, I worked at Dillard's
55. After that, I worked at a real estate company
56. This past spring I played a character in a play that was originally a man's part
57. More than anything I want to get married someday and have a family
58. I am completely single, I don't even have any single male friends
59. i'd love to be proposed to on a mountain
60. If I ever do get married my ceremony will probably be a combination of ideas from all my friends' weddings
61. The idea of eloping and getting married in Las Vegas is appealing
62. Not as appealing as having a church wedding
63. I don't like smoking
64. Sometimes I crave a cigarette so I smoke one
65. Then I remember I don't like it
66. I always finish the whole thing so I am not wasteful
67. The whole time I do this I think "why am I doing this? it's gross"
68. I was on a ministry team for 4 summers
69. I would never dream of doing that now
70. I grew up in the United Methodist church
71. Now if i go to church (which nowadays is rarely) I go to an evangelical Presbyterian church
72. I don't like the bad rep Christians in this country like Pat Robertson give the rest of us
73. I don't think that wearing revealing clothes and being physically sexy is what empowers women. it only cripples them
74. For women to be empowered they need to be taught to be confident, think for themselves, stand up for what they believe in, and remember they are women and we need to be women and not try to be men
75. I believe God created the earth and everything on it
76. I don't believe everything about evolution but I don't believe in a 6-day creation
77. I hate Wal-mart
78. I love Target
79. I have suffered from depression off and on since high school
80. I was on anti-depressants for a few months
81. They didn't work for me so I went off of them
82. I have felt so much better since then
83. My favorite actresses are Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, and the late Judy Garland and Audrey Hepburn
84. My favorite actors are . . . .all dead. Gene Kelly, Gregory Peck, and Marlon Brando (in his Streetcar days)
85. Movies now aren't as good as movies from the 40s and 50s
86. I have always wanted to be in a production of Guys and Dolls
87. I can't make up my mind if I'd rather be Sarah Brown or Adelaide
88. I am 5'9"
89. I'm not skinny but I'm not too fat either
90. I live with two gals that are studying to get their Masters in Counseling
91. Most of the furniture in my house does not belong to the people who live here
92. This house doesn't have air-conditioning
93. Last summer, I went to a Maroon 5 and John Mayer concert at Red Rocks
94. I love hiking
95. The shows like I love the 80s on VH1 are the best!
96. I'm watching I love 1988 right now
97. I was only 7 years old in 1988
98. I love the St. Louis Cardinals
99. I don't want kiss another guy until I am engaged
100. I'm going to go buy new pants now.

whew!

Creation, evolution: the ongoing debate

I received my weekly issue of Time magazine today. The cover story: Evolution Wars. It's about the old yet ongoing issue of evolution and creation. Recently, many schools are coming up with curriculum that emphasizes that evolution is a theory (still teaching it) but also giving students the chance to explore other ideas, like intelligent design. It's an interesting article.
They have this question presented in the article: Can you believe in God and evolution? Two of the responses were from people who argue that you can and they do. Then there are two who say it's not possible although one (the president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary) argues against it more, saying he believes in the 6-day creation, word for word Genesis account.
I used to before I actually studied science. I believe in God, I have my whole life, but there is too much scientific evidence for me to believe that the account is Genesis is some kind of historical fact. In an Old Testament class I took my professor pointed out that the writer, or writers of Genesis did not write it to be a science or history book. It was written as a theological statement. The Bible should not be used to teach us about science and science should not be used to tell us about God.

In the article, Francis Collins, Director of the National Genome Research Institute said something I really like:
"I see no conflict in what the Bible tells me about God and what science tells me about nature. Like St. Augustine in A.D. 400, I do not find the wording of Genesis 1 and 2 to suggest a scientific textbook but a powerful and poetic description of God's intentions in creating the universe. The mechanism of creation is left unspecified. If God, who is all powerful and who is not limited by space and time, chose to use the mechanism of evolution to create you and me, who are we to say that wasn't an absolutely elegant plan? And if God has now given us the intelligence and the opportunity to discover his methods, that is something to celebrate."
(Time magazine, August 15, 2005, page 34)

I think different views should be taught in science classes. I think die-hard evolutionists should consider the basis for people who believe in intelligent design and die-hard 6 day creationists should look at the scientific evidence. One thing I also think: they should spend too much time on it. There is so much to learn when it comes to science if you dwell on the origin part you miss all the good stuff!!!!
Another thing: there are so many things that Christians need to pay attention to that it is worthless to spend too much on a debate that will most likely never end.

I'm not sure what to call this post. I will just start writing. Ok I have to admit something: I love watching beauty pageants. Always have. I especially love the Miss USA pageants: Miss USA, Miss Universe, and Miss Teen USA. So Miss Teen USA is on now and so of course I'm watching it. I always pay attention to who Miss Illinois is and if she is worthy of representing our state (I'm not quite used to the fact I live in Colorado, it's still not completely home). When I was still in high school a woman from Marion (where I lived) was second runner up for Miss USA, a year or so later Miss Illinois Teen was from Marion and got 1st runner up. Then a girl that I was in a pageant with was Miss Illinois Teen (she won the pageant I was in). Now get this another girl from Marion is Miss Illinois Teen and I knew her older sister. Her older sister was one of those girls that you wished you could hate but you couldn't. She was perfect. She was so nice and absolutely beautiful. She was super talented (she was Sarah Brown in a production of Guys and Dolls) and everyone loved her. As much as I wished I could dislike her I couldn't. But I admit I was jealous. She was tall, thin, beautiful, talented, smart, blah, blah, blah. I think she was a runner up in Miss Illinois Teen at one point. oh well. Now I will cheer on her sister.

It's kinda funny that I'm going to watch this pageant. I have been feeling especially ugly and fat lately. I just have no motivation to eat properly and exercise. I need to be studying but I have no motivation for that either.

Yesterday I was thinking about how I wish I could sing. Everytime I watch something about a recording artist and how they got started (yesterday it was the E! True Hollywood Story about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson) I sit there and I'm like "I wish that was me."

But then there's the part of me when I get to reading an article about medical research being done or I hear about a new disease or I volunteer at the hospital that I'm like "I want to be a doctor!"
How crazy is that? I go from wanting a music career to a medical career. I have always known my interests are widespread. What do you do when the world tells you to only pick one thing? Yes, I know, don't listen to them, be yourslf, do your own thing, etc.
Have I mentioned that I want to write? I have realized lately that I really want to get back into it. I used to write all the time but then got out of the habit. So hopefully I'll write more.
Oh geez, Aaron Carter is performing at the pageant. He sounds horrible. :) Kimberley Locke (from American Idol) is performing later; I like her, she's good.

Oh yeah another thing I want, I admit it, I want to meet someone and get married. yup, I do.

Ok I suppose that is enough mindless ramble. Hopefully I'll write more and it'll be entertaining.

Well nothing much has been happening around here. I've just been working. I got a new roommate. She's cool.

Um. . .yeah. It's raining here this evening and it rained yesterday too. It was wonderful. It cools the temperature so much. It's been really hot here. We have all our windows open and it's so relaxing to hear the rain.

This week I hated that I was in Colorado instead of Illinois: my best friend's mom died. I hated that I couldn't go to her funeral. But her husband was there (he's been gone because he's in the navy) so that was good. I haven't talked to her yet but I think things are going ok. I can't imagine losing one of my parents right now.

I keep going in and out between feeling happy with my life and then sometimes I feel....crappy as always. I am trying not to be but sometimes it's hard. I can't help but feel like my life is just really blah. I'm almost 25 and I'm still trying to get my undergraduate degree. But at the same time I'm glad I'm going after something I really want to (medicine) and that my path led me to Colorado. Even though i don't like my school all that much really I like my professors and that makes it a lot better.
I'm trying to be optimistic that things will get better and I will feel better about things that are going on but sometimes it's hard.

One thing that I have been thinking about a lot though is that fact that I really need to lose some weight. My clothes are getting to the point where they aren't fitting too well and I can't buy new ones (and I don't want to buy larger sizes either!). I really need to do something. But it's so hard. I'm not happy the way I am now. I do want to take better care of myself. It's hard though. I like junk food a LOT and I don't like normal exercise. Oh well maybe something will work out. Like me! Ha!!!!

Bad news

Well first of all, I couldn't get Dave Matthews Band tickets. They're going to be at Red Rocks in September. How awesome would that be? I went to see Maroon 5 and John Mayer last summer. It's an awesome venue! And Dave Matthews! It would've been wonderful. Maybe they'll come back someday.

But worse news is that the mother of the little girl who died last week is being investigated for child abuse. Apparently she had shaken and spanked her for like 10 minutes because she wouldn't stop rolling down the window in the car. She was probably doing it because she was hot! Then they left her in the car with the windows only slightly cracked. When they came back she was unconsious. So she was probably already getting really hot and even dehydrated, then she was probably crying and stuggling while her mom was beating her, making her even hotter. Then she was left in the car. I found her obituary online, the funeral was on Friday. She was only 2! The mother was only 19 so she was just a kid herself. It's so sad.

Hard Day

Today was a hard day at the hospital where I volunteer. I experienced my first fatality. A 2-year old girl was brought in unconscious. The person who brought her in said that they were driving (a long drive) and she passed out from the heat. . .it's possible maybe if she was on the side of the sun and was by the window. I really hope that's the truth.
They rushed her in and immediately performed CPR and got the drugs they needed. Of course, I can't do anything, but I stood in the room and watched. They worked on her for a half an hour. It was really sad. It was good to see how everyone reacted; everyone did what they needed to do. . .and when they pronounced her dead there were things they all needed to do and they did it.
the attending physician was amazing. She did her job and tried to keep everyone calm, gave orders, etc. She made the decision to stop working on her. There was nothing else they could do. Later, though, after they were cleaning her up you could tell she had been crying. It was hard on everybody.

I also saw a guy get a camera put down his esophogus and into his stomach. That part of the day was cool.

The best milkshake ever

Here's a recipe for the best milkshake ever:

Coffee ice cream (any brand will do but breyer's is really good)
Milk
Fudge
Nescafe Ice Java iced Coffee syrup, french vanilla
Bailey's irish cream (that's the most important ingredient)

Blend all together and then you'll be sipping paradise!
It's wonderful!!!

My job

Well I got a job! I started the day after I went to the temp agency. I am a receptionist at a title company. It's a lot of fun. I like it a lot. I work from 8 - 5 M-F. It's tiring. When I get home I don't want to do anything. But that's ok cause I work all day. And make good money. I'll have enough money to pay my bills and live on! yay! I won't have to ask mom and dad for anything. which is good because they moved and are a long ways away from a bank (my bank anyway).
Not much else going on. I'ts hot here. And there's no air conditioning where I live. Kinda annoying. Kinda wish I'd known that. oh well.

ok that's all for now. Just wanted to write about my job.

So apparently I saved this as a draft so it didn't show up. But now I will post it
You know what's weird, thinking about someone that you haven't seen or talked to in a long time. There was this friend I had a few years ago that was really cool but we lost contact. . .and for some reason I keep thinking about them (ok it's a guy) and I wish I could talk to him. but i feel weirdl...things didn't end that well between us. I wasn't that nice to him. I wish I had though, he was a really cool guy.
Anyway, just a weird thing.

Thursday

So I'm going to an interview today for a temp agency. It's mainly office and clerical work, which is cool cause I could get good money. I looked online and this company has offerings for jobs that pay at least $10.00/hr.
One of the things I need for this job is two forms of ID, so my driver's license and my SS card. I couldn't find it! I took it out of the wallet it was in and I couldn't remember where I put it. So this may not seem like a big deal but I calmly looked through. I asked God to help me. Usually in these situations I freak out and get all flustered and mad that I could be so stupid to just put my SS card somewhere that I didn't know where to find it. But I didn't want to do that this time. So, I calmly looked in different boxes I thought it may be in until I found it.
I was proud of myself. It's so easy for me to get all mad and flustered and then I get mad at myself for being all flustered and angry.
So now I will go and hope for the best. It would be great to find something full time especially for the summer but even part time will work at this point.
My parents have been great about helping me out financially but I hate having them have to. They're limited financially enough as it is. But they're being great about it. I have realized that I really do have wonderful parents. I couldn't say that a few years ago but now I realize how much they have given me. They have changed as well.
Well I'll let you know about what happens at the agency.
Wish me luck!

What keeps going on

So today I pretty much had a breakdown which involved a 45 minute phone call to my parents. Lately hearing what they have to say doesn't annoy me as much.
I feel like I am so screwed up right now. I don't feel diligent enough about getting a job and that makes me feel guilty because my parents are footing all the bills right now. It seems that all I do is watch movies (Friday there were a bunch of Judy Garland movies on, how could I resist?) and VH1. Ugh. I have been to some interviews, all for part time jobs that I probably would enjoy to some extent but they're not really what I want to do.
But I guess the biggest thing is my spiritual life or lack there of. I have no interest in going to church, reading my Bible, or praying. But this thing called Christianity is still such a big part of my life I can't imagine not following God. But I'm afraid of what following God wholly and completely will mean. In my mind, it means giving up things I don't want to give up, doing something I don't want to do and basically hating my life. I'm not sure how my mind will change about that. Supposedly, following God will bring freedom and joy.
Another hard thing is the fact that I grew up hating church and the people in it, I grew up thinking there was always something wrong with me because I wasn't as spiritual as someone else, etc. I always felt like I wasn't good enough at anything.
And now I'm in Colorado, at first things seemed to be going ok, then everything fell apart again. Now again I'm surrounded by people who are considered more spiritual, more loved by God, and who are probably going to do something great. It made me mad as hell when we prayed for people going on mission trips this summer in chapel. Apparently only people doing something with "ministry" attached to it are worth praying for. I feel like I'm just surrounded by people who are happy or doing a damn better job at pretending.
Then again, I decided a long time ago I didn't want to pretend, it was too exhausting.
I need God. I need to know the God that loves me and will give me peace and joy. A God that will take all these ugly things away, all the hate, the anger, and the bitterness.
I'm sick of the legalistic Christianity that I keep buying into. I'm sick of the American Christianity that rejects people for who they are and expects me to go along with them. I want nothing to do with it.

Illinois

So I guess it's been awhile since I've written anything. I went to Illinois for almost 2 weeks. It was great. I almost didn't want to come back. I miss my family a lot sometimes. Too bad I dislike Illinois so much. My neice and nephew are so wonderful. I got to see my neice's dance recital. She was so cute! I also got to see my sister and my friends, including my best friend and her new baby! She's so adorable! We didn't do anything all day but that was ok, it was great seeing her; I hadn't in over a year. She has a lot going on right now and it amazes me how well she has handled it all. (which she probably won't agree that she has when she reads this, but she has)
I also got to see my friends who share a love of the WB. We enjoyed the season finale of Everwood together. it's wonderful watching my shows with people who don't talk during the show. Seriously we'd talk during the commercial and as soon as the show came back on we'd immediately stop. It was great.
I really wanted to go see a Cardinals game especially because it's the last season in Busch Stadium but I didn't get to, oh well. It was a great, relaxing time. And I got to bring back the furniture I wanted to! So now I won't live out of a suitcase.

but now it is time to go back to my real life with my number one goal being to find a job. ugh.