Christmas

Well my time in the midwest has been nice. Mom and I went shopping almost everyday before Christmas (well not really but it felt like it). My sister and her family came over Christmas Eve to have lunch and open presents. My neice liked the scarf I made for her. I ended up undoing all of it (2 small yarn bunches worth) a week before so I could make it thinner. It was too wide for an almost 9 year old. But I do wish I had made it longer, but oh well. she said that with the yarn I have left I can make her a hat.
Christmas day we went to my grandparents' house. All of our extended family was there including my grandpa's brother and his wife. In all I think we had 23 people there! That's the most we've had in a long time. And my grandparents' house isn't very big. There was even a table set up in the living room; that was the first time in all my life I was allowed to eat in my grandmother's living room. :)
After we all open our presents we have a wrapping paper fight. It's a lot of fun.
Being around all of them got me to thinking about some things. My grandma mentioned how thankful we all should be. My cousin got in a pretty bad car wreck a few months ago. (i think it was during the summer) he hurt his back pretty badly, a lot of ribs, his thumb, and some other bones were broken. From the looks of him yesterday he has recovered pretty well. Something funny he said was how when he got thrown from the car, his shoes came off, his wallet came out of his pocket as well as his cell phone, but he was still holding his cigarette. He cracked up about that but did add that he got rid of it right away. how crazy is that?
My other cousin had her little boy, her live-in boyfriend, and his daughter were there. I could definitely tell the daughter feels very left out of the family. My cousin doesn't seem to treat her very well. . .and her dad although he has gotten better definitely likes paying more attention to his son. I watched her throughout the day and she definitely looked sad. I don't think she has any contact with her mom at all. I only see her once a year maybe so it's hard to feel like I know her at all. Plus she's only like 11; I don't do well with 11 year olds.
My family does have a lot to be thankful for really. To the point that thinking of some of my friends' families really makes my heart just ache. Well it makes my heart ache anyway. I have a few that have really faced some challenging things over the past year or so. I try to pray but the words seem so hollow and I've never been good at the encouraging bit. I hope they all know that I am always thinking of them anyway and know my heart goes out to them.
OH! and now I know how to quote stuff and creat a link! All of the little buttons at the stop of when you type an entry don't show up on my computer when I use safari (the mac web browser). I'm using my brother's computer and all this new stuff just pops up! ha!

I did it!!!!!!!!!

I got an A- in organic chemistry!!!!!!!!!!! And an A in lab!!!!!!!!! I am so freakin excited!!!!!! Woohooo!!!!!

Study, study, study

So, this week is finals week. I have my Physics and Organic Chemistry final tomorrow (Monday). I've done pretty good at studying. If I really just buckle down today I think I'll be fine. The physics final will be a little bit of a joke since we are allowed to use our notes. At this point, though, I really don't care. I really don't understand much of it; I just need a decent grade.
I leave Thursday to go home for the holidays. Mom and dad are picking me up then we're going to go to Chipotle. Dad loves the place! I've always joked that one of these days I was going to go buy a couple of burritosand take it on the plane with me for my parents. Now I don't have to if I fly to Indianapolis. There's one just a few miles from the airport!
One of my roommates got me wonderfully comfortable slippers for Christmas and a coffee mug with a J on it. I bought my other roommate a small box of Godiva chocolate. She literally squealed with delight. I bought some for family as well, but I may have to go back...I can think of a few other people who might enjoy some. :) Hell! I want some too, the truffles are SO good.

Do you ever have little things that just annoy the crap out of you? I do. (surprise, surprise) I need to vent them for a little bit here, maybe it'll help me let go....first, my roommates didn't want to buy trash bags after the ones I bought ran out because there were some left from the people who lived here before, a whole roll of them. Now these trash bags are smaller than we need for the trash can and thin and my roommates never (ok almost never) bother to empty the trash when it's full. because it's too small the edges always fall into the can and they just keep piling stuff on and never bother to fix it. It drives me nuts! I hate taking out the trash to begin with so I got into the habit of buying fairly sturdy bags with flaps that fit over the edge and they are easy to tie. That way I don't have to worry about the bag breaking or stuff falling out. Why am I the only one who wants to make this easy? I bought some trash bags and I would love to use them except I don't want to if they're never going to buy them. So I try to not let the little thin stupid trash bags bother me, but oh well. Today i couldn't resist, i put a good one in the trash can. Maybe someone will notice the difference.
And I don't understand making a cup of tea and then leaving the tea bag in the cup and putting it in the sink. Why can't they just throw the tea bag away?
I also don't like how they just throw dishes into the cupboard to where there's a big bowl on top of a little bowl. I am too used to my family who arranges things in an organized fashion in the cupboard. Big plates, then little plates. Big bowls, then little bowls. less risk of them all just collapsing! Oh and then where our pots and pans are: they take some out and then after they're clean they just throw them in on top of whatever's in there. So there's a little frying pan or a little lid carrying the weight of a huge pot. Again, I think I'm just used to my family's arranging things in an organized fashion.

Ok sorry to vent about these tiny, trivial things. I just needed to get them out.

Seven Things Tag

So today I got tagged by Val (sorry still don't how to make a link) and because I really don't want to do my organic homework I thought I'd give it a try. Here goes:
Seven Things Tag

Seven Things to do Before I Die:

1. Go to Europe (especially France, Italy, and England)
2. Go to New York City
3. Go whale watching (specifically for orcas)
4. Attend a fashion show
5. Take a really awesome picture
6. Go to South America
7. Donate money and work with some kind of relief/research/charity organization

Seven Things I cannot Do:

1. Speak a foreign language (I stole that one)
2. Ski (that should be above on what I want to do before I die, I do live in CO, after all!)
3. Understand Physics
4. Tap dance
5. Sing opera (not that I really want to)
6. Paint
7. Talk to single, available men (ha! I couldn't think of anything else)

Seven Things That Attract me to my Husband
I'll let you know in about 20 years......
But to switch it up for all my single and fabulous friends:

Seven Things I Love About Being Single

1. I can go just about anywhere I want, when I want
2. My money (what little of it there is) is all mine
3. I can go to the movies by myself (seriously I'm going to hate having to go to the movies with a boyfriend now that I'm so used to going by myself)
4. More time to study! woohoo!
5. Possibilities are endless for me right now without having to worry about someone else's plans
6. I can do just about whatever I want, when I want
7. um. . .I can't really think of anything else at this point. Basically no one else to worry about!

Seven Things I say Most Often:

1. Crap
2. Shit
3. Idiot
4. I hate physics
5. I want Chipotle
6. Stupid, freaking idiot (used mostly when driving)
7. Damn it

Seven Books or Series I Love:

1. Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
2. Cast A Long Shadow by Ruth Childers Seamands
3. Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
4. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
5. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
6. Face Forward by Kevyn Aucoin
7. and my new fav: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (even though I haven't finished yet)

Seven Movies I would watch over and over and over and...

1. White Christmas
2. Meet Me in St. Louis
3. Anchors Aweigh
4. While You Were Sleeping
5. Rent
6. Chicago
7. Guys and Dolls

Seven people to tag:
I don't know seven people who have blogs that haven't already been tagged just.....Kristi! Have at it!

Windy and stuck

90 mph winds were clocked in Golden today. Which is like 5 miles from here. 90....that's hurricane force winds. It sucks. It snowed here Friday night/Saturday morning, which is absolutely beautiful but now it is supposed to be super cold and windy.
AND today was the first my truck got stuck in the snow and I had to get pushed out day of the season! woohoo! (please recognize intense sarcasm here).
Oh well, I'd rather have Colorado winter weather than Illinois winter weather anyday. I'd much rather have snow than ice or a mixture thereof. It really is beautiful when it snows here. All the snow sticks to the trees and then the sun comes out and it's all shimmery and silvery. ok yes, Illinois does get snow...but there's just something different about it here that I love.

so here's to the snow, 20 degree temps, and hurricane-force winds! (I'm trying so hard to be optimistic and cheerful)

God

I don't know what to think about God. This week in chapel I sat there listening to Larry Crabb talking about prayer being a way to build our relationship with God (instead of being a give me, give me thing) and I sat there going "yeah, right." I have a hard time believing that God actually cares about me. I don't know how to have a relationship with God. I'm still convinced I will end up having a life that I hate if I really trust God. He knows that, I've told him that a million times. How do I get away from thinking that? There are things that I can't stand about Christianity and those things have influenced my idea of who God is. I'm not sure how to change that or if I want to.
I have never felt that I fit in the typical Christian atmosphere...but I don't feel comfortable in non-Christian circles either.
Oh! I don't know. I guess I'll figure it out sometime.

Ok, enough about God.
Yesterday I saw Pride and Prejudice. It is SO good. Now, I've never read the book (I started reading last night, so hopefully I'll get through) so I don't know how "true" it is to it, but nevertheless, I absolutely love it. It has a wonderful cast including the guy who plays Mr. Darcy. Oh! He's wonderful! At one point he's walking across the field with his long coat blowing in the wind and just the way he walks is so. . . manly and sexy. He's the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. I love the story. It was a real romantic story unlike a lot of the movies that come out nowadays (even though i like those too).

Only two more weeks of school then it's back to good old Illinois for a few weeks. I'm excited to see my family.

I know that there's no point in living in the past or having regrets but there are times that I really wish I could turn back time. I wish I could go back and be like 20 again. Then I would be able to change my decision to drop out of school. No matter how much I hated GC I really wish I would've stayed. Then I wouldn't be almost 25 and feel like my life is worth nothing. I feel so behind other people my age. I see fellow classmates and I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they are young and have more going for them than me. I wish I could go back at least 5 years and make everything change. I guess things may not have been different if I'd made other decisions...if I really could go back I'd want to go back all the way to my childhood. I would've been raised differently, I would have been a better-adjusted child, I would've been able to stand up for myself. I wouldn't be the angry, bitter person that I have become. I really hate my life right now. I hate that I still haven't finished school, I hate that my parents still have to help me financially, I hate that I'm so obsessed with having stuff that I have racked up a bunch of debt, I hate that no matter how hard I seem to try there is always something that seems to hold me back from doing things I want to do or being successful. I'm just. . .tired. Tired of being like I am. I want to change. I want things to be better. I want to have some kind of hope again. I want to live, not just go through the motions.
And where is God in all this hate and want? Who knows. I don't trust God. I don't see what God could actually provide. And what I figure he wants from me I don't feel like I can live up to.

I guess somehow I will just keep going.

Shopping

So today I went shopping with my roommate. It was so depressisng. I couldn't buy anything. I probably won't buy any Christmas gifts until I go home mainly so I don't have to take them with me on the plane. And the gifts I do get will all be as cheap as possible. I didn't even find anything that I'd get for anyone, everything I saw I want for myself. A new purse (or two), a zip-up cashmere hoodie, shoes, various beauty products, etc. I really want a new purse. But not just any purse, a Coach purse. Only $300 or $400. That's all.
There were a ton of clothes I saw that were so cute. But even if I could buy them, I couldn't fit into them. I hate being poor and fat.
The whole time I walking through the mall all I was thinking is how much I wanted to buy something and how much I hated that I couldn't. The only thing I bought was lunch. I wish I had money.

RENT

is AWESOME! Go see it, right now. Drop everything and go see it.
Ok, ok if you really have something pressing to do, hurry up, do it, and go!
:)
I need to go to NY and see it on Broadway.

So...

it's Thanksgiving break now. I made it through the week. I spent all last weekend studying. I did pretty well about sticking to my schedule. By Sunday night I was about ready to burst though. I had been studying Physics all day. I still didn't understand it. It was soo frustrating. I didn't do well on my test. I was so upset. I sat in class trying not to just burst into tears. I spent so much time on Physics that I didn't get to study chemistry as much as I wanted to so I probably didn't do very well on that test either. Figures, I try to be good and study and do crappy on both tests. Ah!
I still have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. So during break I'll be doing that.
I helped a friend of mine and her husband move yesterday. It was fun hanging out with them but I am so sore! They moved from a 3rd floor apartment to another 3rd floor apartment. Definitely got some exercise yesterday! I'm spending Thanksgiving with them. I'm going to make broccoli casserole and an apple pie. And we're having turkey of course. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it even though I'd rather be with my family.

So I think my roommates pretty much hate me. Ok maybe not hate me, but I don't think they like me much. I'll come in and say hi and tell them something and they're just like "that's nice" but then they'll sit around and talk, talk, talk. They are in the same master's program so they do have more in common, I guess. But it's still hard. I feel so left out of things sometimes. I don't feel like I could ask them to do anything or hang out. I want to go see Rent on Wednesday when it comes out and my roommate wants to see it too, but I am afraid to ask if she wants to go together because I figure she has already made plans to see it with someone. So I'll just go alone. Speaking of movies, I saw Walk the Line yesterday. It was soooo good. I want to see it again. Of course everytime I see a movie like that it just makes me wish I could be a singer or an actress. Maybe if med school and grad school don't work out I'll just have to move to Nashville. Ha!

I wish I had my own place. That way I could see people only when I want to. And I don't have to be made to feel bad if I'm not keeping up with cleaning or if I want to watch something on TV. And the dishes will be placed in the cupboard properly.

Redemption

So, I have the chance to redeem myself from last weekend. First, my Physics test was postponed to Monday. Then my organic chem homework duedate was postponed to Monday. So while that means a crazy busy week, I have all weekend to make myself focus and study and get everything done. Which is good. So I'm glad. I have a study plan put together. I even have motivational sayings scheduled to pop up every few hours to maybe help keep me going. :) Cheesy huh?

I'm so determined to make sure I just plow through my homework this weekend. I've got to. I want to. I ended up being all motivated to get work done Monday night and I have been mostly throughout this week. So I hope it keep being that way. It will be.

I keep thinking about moving back to Illinois. How crazy is that? I mean I really like Colorado but sometimes I feel like there's nothing keeping me here. I have a few friends out here, but not really close ones. Even though I probably wouldn't live very close to my close friends in Illinois...I don't know. I'm afraid if I leave Colorado I'm going to regret it. It's so gorgeous out here and I like the weather (for the most part). How could I leave the mountains and the pretty snow (as opposed to flat, icy plains)? I really miss my family and friends though.
I need to decide. If I want to do further schooling out here then I need to get a Colorado license so I can get in-state tuition for University of Colorado. There's not really anywhere in IL I would want to go to school except maybe Chicago. . .and that would end up being just as expensive as living out here (and at least it's not so freakin windy and cold here).

Before I go crazy

I decided that before Physics drove me too much more crazy, I would write, since it's been awhile. Right now Physics is making me feel really dumb. I have 6 chapters of problems to do. Some of them are almost finished but I still have like 30 problems to do. Two chapters I haven't even been through yet. I try to read through the chapters but it's like it's in Japanese. I don't really understand anything. I also have to write up 10 labs for my lab notebook. I really don't know when that's going to get done. I can't wait until Thanksgiving. But I still have so much to do before then. Tests in all my classes, lots to read, essays to write.
It's days like these when I just think "how the hell do I expect to actually go to med school?" I know I have plenty of other options even if I don't. But I'm not ready to give up on that yet! I always start going towards some goal and then I give up. This is the first thing I've tried to do that I haven't given up on. I'm still a Bio major and I really enjoy it. But I always get caught up on something that just brings me down so much. This time its Physics. I find it so hard to sit down and concentrate. And then it's frustrating because I don't understand it and I don't know how to. I don't know how to study for it. I looked online for some study help but there's not much help.
It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing for long periods of time. I came home Thursday and watched TV for like 8 hours. That's it. I didn't do anything else. And then Friday the same thing, even though I should've started homework.
I have no idea how to make myself actually get focused and do the work I need to. Even making a list and specifying when I'm going to do each thing doesn't work. I mean there are times when I can make myself focus and get things done, but it's not a constant. It's like I'll be able to concentrate in spurts. It's so frustrating.

Last night I started thinking about how in two months I will be 25. It's not like I thought it was going to be. I'm still in school, I'm alone, and my future is still as unclear as ever. I know things will work out the way they're supposed to but sometimes it's really hard to believe.

I really hope I get to go home for Christmas. It would really suck to be alone on Christmas.

I did it!!!

I got an A on my organic chemistry test!!!!!!! I really did!!!!! I was so excited.

My field trips were fun.

Tonight I am going out to dinner with a few other Bio majors and hte Provost of the university to discuss some things having to do with the science dept. There are some major improvements that need to be made. We need more professors, better labs, and more encouragement. Also a woman who is an MD and also a lawyer is going to be there for us to talk to and give us some advice. It should be fun! And the provost is paying! ;)

So apparently a student got attacked a few weeks ago. Almost no one knew about it. I was outraged. This is the kind of thing we should know about! I wrote an e-mail to the pres and his cabinet about how I was extremely upset of how the situation was handled. I think it makes people more fearful if they don't know what's going on.

Should be a good night! And this weekend I have a lot of homework to do! yayayyay!!!

Wine and dine

One of the women I live with spent some time in the Peace Corps and lived in Morocco. So, on Saturday she made Moroccan food and invited a bunch of people over.
At first I was like "oh great a bunch of people! ahhh!" But then people brought wine. . .we had 3 bottles and some sangria. And between about 10 people we drank it all. I guess that's not a huge deal. It was fun though. I didn't know any of the people but we all just talked and laughed.

I also went to a wedding this weekend. A friend I used to work with got married. It was fun until the dancing started. i like dancing but not in front of anyone. I dance in my living room when no one's home. I did today. I got home and danced around the house. It was fun. The wedding reminded me that I do want a relationship someday but I know I need to wait until I am ready and wait for the right person. I do admit, I wish it would be soon! :)

I get to go on two field trips tomorrow. Yes that's right, field trips. :) One to the Celestial Seasonings factory in Boulder and then one to an observatory. It should be fun.

I have so much schoolwork to do and catch up on. Ick! But I'll get it done somehow. I just need to sit down and do everything.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

No world series for the cardinals this year.
They always mess up. They do so well and then they mess up.

not until the playoffs

As it says in the little "about me" section I love the St. Louis Cardinals. I really do. I never watch games though until the playoffs. Which I completely spaced on. until tonight! It's the NCLS and the Cards beat the Astros in game 1. Game 2 is tonight. bottom of the 3rd, Astros up 1-0.
The Cardinals deserve to win! It's their year! It has to be! What better way to close out the last season at Busch Stadium (which, btw, I'm still pissed about. I never got to go to a game this season) than winning the World Series? the stupid Red Sox had their moment now it's the Cardinals turn.
man, if they get into the World Series, I think I'd do just about anything to go to a game. How absolutely awesome would that be?

Undesirable

So the last few days a little part of me has been thinking about the fact that I just feel totally undesirable. I try not to worry about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend or any male friends around at all but sometimes it's hard. I haven't had a guy interested in me in about 4 years now. And it took me about lets see 3 of those years to get over that guy. I guess 4 years isn't a lot but. . .it feels like it. I'm going to be 25 soon. My closest friends are all married and finding the right guy is like the number 1 thing I want.
I am trying to focus on school. . .right now, it's my top priority and really I'm so busy I wouldn't have time for that kind of relationship. But I can't help but wish there was something going on in that department.
Like I said I try not to think about this. I try to be happy being single. But sometimes it's just hard. Am I really that bad? Around here I feel like the fattest, ugliest girl around. I'm surrounded by all these cute little blonde girls that all the guys flock too. It's sickening. Also, I really am surrounded by boys here. I'm an old woman around here. (apparently i don't look it. no one believes how old I am)

What's funny is I couldn't stand being around my roommates last year because they always said things like this. Another funny thing is I live with a 35 year old single woman who is so content being single it makes me sick. Around her I just feel like the stupid, fickle little girl.

Ok done now. I'll get back to being obsessed about organic chemistry.

A little better

Well my week started off kinda crappy but the last few days haven't been as bad. My classes today went smoothly and I feel a little more together. Together enough to be able to work on the homework I have this weekend. And I am determined to go out and have some fun this weekend even if it's just out to dinner. Or maybe I'll go see a movie. I was thinking of going hiking as well. I can't do all that though. Organic chemistry beckons!
I got to thinking again this week about how I still want to be a doctor. I just HAVE to push through the things that I feel hold me back and just do it. I have to believe I can do it.
Last night my roommate made a good observation. I was in my room listening to some music and I was singing along. My roommate said "you're not crying, so that's good." She's right! I could be in my room crying because i think my life sucks but instead I was jamming to some music and relieving some tension. It got me to a place where I can relax.

I have to start doing research for a paper I have to write. My topic is how Christians should respond to initiatives to legalize same-sex marriage. It's going to be difficult. But, there is definitely a lot of info out there! I got excited about it this afternoon after receiving the latest issue of Time. The cover story is about adolescent homosexuals. i started talking to my roommates about it. Here is what I'm thinking: If Christians are going to be so concerned with making sure gays can't get married because it's a supposedly "unhealthy" and "unnatural" relationship, then they need to look at the fact that the divorce rate among Christans is almost the same as among non-Christians. There is something wrong with how Christians view relationships and how churches are dealing with it. I don't necessarily think that same-sex marriage is what God intended for marriage but I also don't think God intended for heterosexual marriages to be abusive and messed up as a lot of them are these days. It's not about homo vs. hetero marriage. . .it's deeper than that. It's about the individual person and their sexuality and. . . .their humanness.
You also have to consider the definition of marriage. What is it? I don't really know. I see the marriages around me: my parents, my sister, and some of my friends. Is marriage just a human institution that is proved by a marriage certificate? Or is it something else? Is it a spiritual union that mirrors God's desired relationship with humans? Or what?
What is happening that people do not have healthy relationships? I know in my Christian upbringing I was never taught how to relate to men. I was told to not have sex. Big deal. What about everything else? I also wasn't taught to stand up for myself; I thought I always had to play the part of the submissive female.

There are so many parts of this. You have to look at the definition of marriage, how much Christians should get involved in public policy (how far do you go before it violates the 1st amendment), and how much freedom should be entitled to people.
It's difficult to determine. Although legally our nation isn't a Christian nation (as in it's our official religion), there is so much Christian influence because it's such a huge part of our history.
Are Christians demanding so much freedom for themselves that they forget our nation provides everyone should have those same freedoms?

Ok I could go on forever. I need to go to bed.

What am I doing?

So again I am asking myself what am I doing? More like what the f*&% am I doing? I started this school year being very motivated and excited about the classes I was taking. And little by little it has all fallen apart. And it's only been a little over a month! I have two full months left.
I didn't do very well on my physics test. It made me really mad. I know I didn't study as well as I needed to for it but the test itself was actually very simple. I don't like the way the points were assigned. There were 20 questions, each worth 5 points. Doesn't sound too bad right? Except that half the problems were true/false. So one true/false question was worth the same amount of points as a problem you had to work out. I just don't like that. If you miss too many t/f questions you're already screwed and there's still half the test left.
I just feel like. . . I can never do anything good enough. There is always something keeping me back from doing as well as I know I can. But it's like I'm just not willing to do it. But I want to. I want to be able to study and do really well in my classes. I want this education I'm getting to actually allow me to do something good with my life. This weekend when I volunteered at the hospital it made me say "yes, I want to do this." But so much is dependent on my grades that I don't think I'll be able to.
Why can't I focus? Why can't I manage to do the things I know I need to so I can be successful? Is this God trying to tell me I shouldn't be going into the medical field? Or is it just the same things that have plagued me since I was young that are going to get in my way no matter what I try to do? Are things from my childhood (always being "smarter" than the school required me to be, so I didn't have to try hard, never establishing good study habits, etc) always going to plague me?
What do I do? I want to finish this last year of school as strong as possible, med school or not. How can I change my behavior and my mindset?
I let things like this test grade get me down so much, it turns into a slippery slope (i did horrible on the test so I'll do horrible in the class and I'll never get into med school or anything else).
I hate thinking like that. I hate thinking my life is meaningless. I hate thinking that I don't want to live my life if it's always going to be this hard. I hate thinking that I am not good enough.

Big leap

So I did something yesterday. . .I cut up my credit cards. . .well except one for emergencies (and by emergencies I mean if I need $10 in gas because it's almost maxed out) and one that I hid away in case I need to use it for tuition and books next semester. It's scary. The only money I have now is what is in my bank account and it's not a lot. And even though my parents have been absolutely wonderful about helping me out it's been hard on them ever since they moved and my mom isn't working.
What am I going to do? Oh yeah find a freakin job. I hate job hunting. And I'm so picky. I don't want to work retail, I wouldn't mind trying a restaurant but there aren't many good ones around here. The problem is that I need something that I will make decent money. I'm not just some little high schooler who needs money so they can go to the movies.

So I realized the other day that i'm going to have to work after I graduate and pay off my credit cards before I think about continuing my education. I don't even know if I will mess with taking the MCAT right away because I don't know if I'll be able to afford the cost of applying to medical school. And with my bills I don't know if I'll be able to afford to even go right away because I wouldn't be able to work. Even if I don't go to med school I won't be able to go to grad school (maybe if I went somewhere here part-time, but not if I want to go to England) until I get some of my debt paid off.
The biggest thing is my credit cards. But what about my school loans? I was thinking that if I could still be taking 6 hours of classes (there are still classes I need to take before med or grad school) then I could avoid having to pay them off. But if I find something making enough money then maybe I could at least pay what I can until I do what's next.
oh this is stressful. But I'm going to do it. I need to. I HAVE to. Even if it means putting off things like new clothes, a car, and England. But I don't want to put them off for too long. ;-)

did I mention that before I cut up and put away my credit cards that I bought a jacket, undergarments, and some shirts? One last spree. :)

Link

Can someone tell me how to create a link?

Today my friend would have been mad at my genetics prof. check out her blog, it's good stuff: http://newwaylc.blogspot.com

thoughts of today

I started thinking yesterday how I want to move to a foreign country at some point. Probably not for very long, maybe just a couple of years, but at some point I want to. I have no idea how to go about doing that though. I even thought "what if I go somewhere after I graduate? I can take some time before I go to med school or grad school. . ." I should talk to one of my aunts. One lives in England (that is where I'm leaning towards, france or italy would be nice but that would be harder because I don't know anybody there and the language) and the other lives in the Dominican Republic. (I don't want to live there because of the hurricanes). Anyway I could talk to one of them about what I have to do. How cool would that be to pick up and move to a different country?
Which led me to thinking that maybe I should plan on taking some time off after I graduate. I wonder if I should so that I can work and get serious about paying off some of my credit cards before I think about continuing my schooling. But then that brings up the question, would I be able to find a good enough job that would pay enough to actually allow me to pay off my credit cards? And I'd be paying school loans too (maybe, I need to take a few more classes after I graduate so I may be able to put off paying the loans if I wanted to). I don't know. I do know that I hate being in debt and something has got to change. BIG time. It's my own fault, I know. I just need to be happy with not buying things. Right now the problem is that I don't have a job and so I'm having to use credit to buy necessities like gas and food. Next weekend I'll go fill out some applications. . .the past few weeks I've been studying like crazy for tests. I hate job hunting. Especially now because all the retail places will only be looking for holiday help and I need something more than that. Just part time but more than holiday. I don't want to work retail anyway because it's almost christmas and I hate working christmas.

This morning I read some of my book for one of my classes. It's called American Jesus by Stephen Prothero. It is about all of the forms Jesus has taken in the United States. The author is very clear that he's not trying to make a statement about who Jesus was or is (like calling him the messiah or something) but it's just to look back at how Americans have portrayed him throughout the years. It's a very good book. I highly recommend it. Today I read about Jesus the Rabbi. In the 20s and 30s, Jews in America started recognizing Jesus, as a Jew and as a prophet like Moses and Jeremiah. They weren't accepting Jesus as the Messiah but they were rejecting that he was a Jew. In the Middle Ages, Jews rejected Jesus completely especially because of the fact Christians constantly called them "Christ-killers." Which amazes me that people could be so well dumb. They just dwelled on that so much. I mean the whole point of Christianity was that Jesus died and was resurrected. And people still dwell on it today. Just look at when "The Passion" came out. There was even a church that posted on their billboard (or whatever the board is out in front of the church, i can't think of what it's called) some verse that said something about the Jews killing Jesus. I was just like "who the hell cares? You're missing the point."

Oh and this week in class (a gen ed all seniors are required to take) we talked basically about the point of Christianity. We talked about the Bible and how we read it. One thing that was said was, "The Resurrection helps us understand the Bible, just as telos helps us understand the Resurrection. The Resurrection is the context and fulfillment of the whole canon." Many times in Prothero's book (mentioned about) he talks about liberal Protestants who reject the idea that Christ was resurrected. Now even though I feel like I've moved away from my conservative Christian roots I can't go that far left. One thing that I thought during the lecture was "I've never doubted the resurrection or the significance of Jesus (at least not too much). I don't have a problem with saying Jesus died and rose again. I've had a problem with everything else." I've had a problem with the Bible and how much authority it has. I've had a problem with the teachings of Paul. I really wonder if the Christianity Paul wrote about is what Jesus really wanted. Did Jesus even want there to be a whole new religion? Do people have to accept Christianity in order to accept Jesus?
So even though I don't know about all that stuff, yet, I do know this, I believe that Jesus was the Messiah, that he died for the sins of the world, and was resurrected. And I do believe that without this there is no point to Christianity. Like my professor eluded to in his lecture, without the resurrection you may as well find a new religion. Buddhism and other religions are a lot more helpful if you just want to live a good life. I agree with him.

Here is the link to the PowerPoint presentation (I don't know how to actually make it a link. . .so you'll just have copy and paste): http://faculty.ccu.edu/jmallinson/ (if that doesn't take you directly to it, click on "classes" and then it's the first class listed (INT 402 - Monday powerpoint 9/19)

crazy blog

well I had wrote the "what to do with discouragement" post before the "discouragement" post but it wasn't showing up and the website said there was an error when I tried to post it. so now basically there's two of hte same post. oh well.

Discouragement

Well this has been the kind of week I expected to have. Things were going too well and I was feeling too happy and confident. I had my first organic chemistry test and I didn't do too well. It just really sucks because I feel like I'm actually understanding stuff but the test didn't reflect that.
So then I was just bummed. Everytime I do badly on something like this it just get me so down that I don't want to do anything. I try to tell myself I can do better next time and I still have time to improve but. . .it's still hard.
I also had a genetics test which I would've done well on except there were these two 15 point genetics problems, like with the punnet square stuff. It wasn't just mixing AaBb with AaBb either so I don't know how well I did. We've never done anything like them except for a homework assignment that we never went over or anything. I don't like when professors do that. This professor especially because he really doesn't know what he's doing. He's not a genetics person. But that is a whole different story.

And so this weekend I will be studying for another class that the prof doesn't know what he's doing. He knows physics but he doesn't know how to teach. It's pointless to go to class. oh well.

I always seem to write something when I'm in a bad mood. Really things haven't been too bad. I really need a job but I don't know how I'll squeeze that in. But I don't have a choice. It's just hard to find something good. With the exception of this week, school has been going pretty good.

what to do with discouragement

So today I got my organic chemistry test back. I got a 77. I was not happy. I feel like I'm actually understanding everything, I studied, I was really hopeful that I would do well. So for the rest of the day (including when a 3rd year med student came to talk to us) I was just discouraged and depressed and couldn't concentrate.
I feel like I am not successful at anything I try to do.
I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I am just going to be let down. Then I feel like everytime something like a bad test grade I get down enough that I can't do anything to get out of it.
I have a genetics test tomorrow and I haven't really studied. I can't. I just figure I don't have enough time to actually study to a point I will do well so what's the point? And that's what happens.
For the last few weeks I was hopeful that things were going well and I was optimistic that I was going to do well this semester. But now at least for today I'm totally discouraged. And probably will be again as soon as I take my genetics test and then I have a physics test next Wednesday!
How can I just learn to not be discouraged? And just deal with a bad grade in a healthy way? I don't know. I really don't.

always self-involved

ok so even that last post was all self-involved.

blahblahblah

fooey

i need to study now. what a great Sunday.

rambling thoughts

I didn't even realize what day it was until I got on the internet and saw something about a ceremony in New York in memory of Sept. 11. I don't believe that was 4 years ago. I know for people involved and who lost loved ones, it seems like an eternity.
And now there's hurricane Katrina. The devastation is so massive. The pictures I've seen look like they're from a war zone. I've read so much about it and watched the TV reports. . . .I wish I could do something. I don't have any money to give, I can't go there. So here I am stuck here just watching the TV reports and reading magazine articles.
With the memories of 9/11, the hurricane, and things that have happened to friends and their friends I just sit here and wonder "what am I doing?" I complain so much about the little annoying occurances in my life, I complain about everything that doesn't go my way and I don't feel like I am able to "be there" for anyone. I don't feel like I can do anything for anyone. I just feel like I'm so wrapped up in how crappy I think my life is that I have no perspective.
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who loses a parent?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who is struggling with depression?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who doesn't know what they're supposed to do with their life?
How am I supposed to be a sister and a daughter to a family who is so far away?
How am I supposed to deal with my life, knowing it is significant but still care about other people?

I don't know. I don't know at all.

All alone

Tonight is an all alone night. Even though my two roommates are here. And it's a night that I am reminded of how I so easy let everyone walk all over me. And a night that I figure that the world would be wonderful if I was just alone. Or not here at all.
Ok first of all, for those of you who know me, I know a lot about pop culture. I always read the magazines and watch entertainment tonight and shows on E!. I just think it's fun. Tonight I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards. They're pretty cool except they are overrun with rappers which I'm not into but there were going to be performances by bands I really liked. So I was watching up until 10 minutes ago when my roommates (who just sat down to eat dinner and hadn't been watching) said things like "isn't Gray's Anatomy on?" and "We need to watch this movie (bourne supremacy), can we?" Total disregard for the fact that I was watching something already. Enforcing the fact they weren't interested in watching what I was watching so they did what they could to get their way. So instead of saying "well I really want to watch this so I'd like to continue watching it" I just said go ahead (to the movie) and that I need to do some homework anyway. And now I am in here almost crying because I hate that I allow myself to do this. I mean really it's no big deal, MTV will show the awards show like 50 million times in the next few weeks anyway and there's a lot of stuff that usually goes on that I don't really like. But still why do I have to stop doing what I want in order to make everyone else happy? Why do I have to deny what I'm interested in so that other people get what they want? Why do I always have to feel like I'm unimportant and my interests are dumb and superficial? Yeah some of them are. I won't die if I can't watch the MTV VMAs but still the principle of it. . .it sucks. And I've always done this. I'm not someone who will pipe up and say "NO!" when I am being pushed out of the way.
I had hoped that I was going to change. I've always been like this. My interests, my needs, my wishes are unimportant. I can't have what I want. I have to deny myself of everything. That's what I've always felt. And if I try to stand up for myself I am considered a bitch and selfish, and rude, etc, etc, etc.

Green Day has a song called "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." One of the lines is: And I walk alone. I guess I just need to get used to that. Because I do. I walk alone.

good old pat robertson

If you read my "100 things" list then you saw that one of them says that I hate how people like Pat Robertson give the rest of us Christians a bad name.

Case in point:

Pat Robertson said that we should go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela since he thinks we're trying to anyway. Of course he since has made a public apology (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9047102/) but the damage has been done. I have a really problem with that man and the liberties he takes.
Now I will be honest part of me wants to send him a hot-headed e-mail calling him, in the words of Spike in the movie "Notting Hill," a daft prick but the other part of me just wants to pray that God will make him more aware of what he is saying and doing.

This semester I'm taking a general education course that they make all seniors take, Integrative Seminar. The theme of my class is "The Faces of Jesus." The first day we looked at different pictures of how Jesus is portrayed in America including "mocks" of Jesus like in the movie Dogma, the Buddy Christ. And we were asked "do images like this of Jesus result because people want to make fun of Jesus?" Some people said yes. The way people view Jesus is often skewed because of images like the buddy Christ. But then someone said, it's not because of that. They view Jesus in this way because of their interactions with Christians. The professor (and me in my head) was like "EXACTLY!"
Now I'm sure I've done my part in discouraging someone to be a Christian. I still struggle with what I believe. The other day I was telling my roommate that I see the kind of Christian I want to be and the kind of Christian I don't want to be and I don't know how to get to (or away) from it.

But I will keep trying.

The Whole Nine Yards

I'm watching that movie right now. I wanted to rent The Whole Ten Yards but Blockbuster didn't have it. I need to go get Fools Rush In too. If you are wondering what these movies have in common, here it is: They all have Matthew Perry in it. Who, for some reason, I am completely fascinated with lately. He's so adorable! Who cares that he's like 35. . .and has been in rehab a couple of times and crashed his Porsche into someone's home one time (that was awhile back). He's making two new movies right now. I can't wait! I can't get enough.

After Nine Yard, Charade starring Gary Grant and Audrey Hepburn is on. It's so good!!! If you've never seen it, it's the movie that Julia Roberts character in Pretty Woman is watching before the "piano" scene. It's wonderful.

I also have been pigging out today and not studying for my huge ass test that is on Wednesday!

Oh well

So here's to Dr. Pepper, popcorn, cheetos, Matthew Perry, Gary Grant, and the wonderful Audrey Hepburn! Yay, Saturday night!

Weak in the knees

Warning: extremely girly cheesy post to follow

The movie "head over heels" is really funny, silly but funny. In it the main female character gets weak in the knees about Freddie Prinze, Jr's character.
Well I hope that when I meet the man of my dreams I react to him the way that I reacted today to this amazingly gorgeous man that walked into the office today. All i said was hi to him. He was probably late 20s, early 30s, the the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He had beautiful, striking blue eyes. . . .And I only saw him for a moment. I was in the back of the office and had no idea what he was doing there. But I was definitely weak in the knees. . .

:)

Ok the cheesiness is over now.

I will go back to contemplating the really important questions of life, like . . .will I actually wake up tomorrow so I can get Starbucks before work like I've been trying to all week?

100 things about me

So my friend Val (www.ruminationsofordinary.blogspot.com) got this idea from another blogging friend of hers to list 100 things about her. So after reading 100 things about each of them I decided to go for it. :)

1. My name is Jodie
2. I am 24 years old
3. My birthday is on January 8
4. I am originally from Illinois
5. I do not have a hometown in IL
6. My dad is a minister
7. We moved every 4 to 5 years (which is why I don't have a hometown)
8. I have an older sister and a younger brother
9. My mom was a stay at home mom
10. My sister is married and has two adorable kids
11. My brother just graduated from college
12. I am in college right now
13. I graduate next May (finally)
14. I started college right out of high school, then after two years, I dropped out
15. After taking 2 years off I moved out to Colorado to go back to college
16. I am majoring in Biology
17. After graduation my preference of what I want to do is in this order: med school, pharmacy school, grad school, nursing
18. Although I want to go into medicine, I've always dreamed of being a recording artist
19. I like almost all kinds of music except rap
20. The only rap I do like is Will Smith
21. The high school I went to only had 100 people (it was public)
22. I played volleyball while in HS
23. I love the TV song "Friends"
24. I am watching reruns of Friends right now
25. I love the following shows on the WB: Gilmore Girls, Everwood, & One Tree Hill
26. I'm hooked on the edited-for-TBS version of Sex and the City
27. I love Coach handbags and accessories
28. My dream purse is a Louis Vuitton
29. I am a total girly-girl meaning I love clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup and InStyle magazine
30. I drive a Ford Ranger
31. My dream car is a BMW or Mercedes
32. My dream house is one in the mountains somewhere but still close to the city
33. My other dream house (or apartment rather) is in NYC
34. I've never been to NYC though
35. It's my number 1 dream US destination
36. There are so many places all over the world I want to go it would take more than the 64 spots on this list I have left
37. My favorite drink is mandarin orange Absolut vodka and Sprite with a slice of orange
38. I am a Christian
39. I feel like I am a horrible one most of the time
40. I want to learn how to surf
41. The best vacation I've had so far in my life was to North Carolina with two friends of mine
42. I want to learn how to ski
43. I have been to 28 states
44. I've only been to Arizona long enough to drive through the corner of it on the way to CA
45. My favorite movie is a tie between Singin In the Rain, American in Paris, and Anchors Aweigh all starring Gene Kelly
46. Oh! Meet Me in St. Louis is a part of the tie as well
47. Going to the movies is one of my favorite things
48. I like going to the movies by myself
49. I didn't want to see the first Lord of the Rings movie
50. My friends took me with them to see it
51. I absolutely loved it
52. I'm working at a title company right now
53. I have worked at a Wal-Mart portrait studio (it sucked)
54. After that, I worked at Dillard's
55. After that, I worked at a real estate company
56. This past spring I played a character in a play that was originally a man's part
57. More than anything I want to get married someday and have a family
58. I am completely single, I don't even have any single male friends
59. i'd love to be proposed to on a mountain
60. If I ever do get married my ceremony will probably be a combination of ideas from all my friends' weddings
61. The idea of eloping and getting married in Las Vegas is appealing
62. Not as appealing as having a church wedding
63. I don't like smoking
64. Sometimes I crave a cigarette so I smoke one
65. Then I remember I don't like it
66. I always finish the whole thing so I am not wasteful
67. The whole time I do this I think "why am I doing this? it's gross"
68. I was on a ministry team for 4 summers
69. I would never dream of doing that now
70. I grew up in the United Methodist church
71. Now if i go to church (which nowadays is rarely) I go to an evangelical Presbyterian church
72. I don't like the bad rep Christians in this country like Pat Robertson give the rest of us
73. I don't think that wearing revealing clothes and being physically sexy is what empowers women. it only cripples them
74. For women to be empowered they need to be taught to be confident, think for themselves, stand up for what they believe in, and remember they are women and we need to be women and not try to be men
75. I believe God created the earth and everything on it
76. I don't believe everything about evolution but I don't believe in a 6-day creation
77. I hate Wal-mart
78. I love Target
79. I have suffered from depression off and on since high school
80. I was on anti-depressants for a few months
81. They didn't work for me so I went off of them
82. I have felt so much better since then
83. My favorite actresses are Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, and the late Judy Garland and Audrey Hepburn
84. My favorite actors are . . . .all dead. Gene Kelly, Gregory Peck, and Marlon Brando (in his Streetcar days)
85. Movies now aren't as good as movies from the 40s and 50s
86. I have always wanted to be in a production of Guys and Dolls
87. I can't make up my mind if I'd rather be Sarah Brown or Adelaide
88. I am 5'9"
89. I'm not skinny but I'm not too fat either
90. I live with two gals that are studying to get their Masters in Counseling
91. Most of the furniture in my house does not belong to the people who live here
92. This house doesn't have air-conditioning
93. Last summer, I went to a Maroon 5 and John Mayer concert at Red Rocks
94. I love hiking
95. The shows like I love the 80s on VH1 are the best!
96. I'm watching I love 1988 right now
97. I was only 7 years old in 1988
98. I love the St. Louis Cardinals
99. I don't want kiss another guy until I am engaged
100. I'm going to go buy new pants now.

whew!

Creation, evolution: the ongoing debate

I received my weekly issue of Time magazine today. The cover story: Evolution Wars. It's about the old yet ongoing issue of evolution and creation. Recently, many schools are coming up with curriculum that emphasizes that evolution is a theory (still teaching it) but also giving students the chance to explore other ideas, like intelligent design. It's an interesting article.
They have this question presented in the article: Can you believe in God and evolution? Two of the responses were from people who argue that you can and they do. Then there are two who say it's not possible although one (the president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary) argues against it more, saying he believes in the 6-day creation, word for word Genesis account.
I used to before I actually studied science. I believe in God, I have my whole life, but there is too much scientific evidence for me to believe that the account is Genesis is some kind of historical fact. In an Old Testament class I took my professor pointed out that the writer, or writers of Genesis did not write it to be a science or history book. It was written as a theological statement. The Bible should not be used to teach us about science and science should not be used to tell us about God.

In the article, Francis Collins, Director of the National Genome Research Institute said something I really like:
"I see no conflict in what the Bible tells me about God and what science tells me about nature. Like St. Augustine in A.D. 400, I do not find the wording of Genesis 1 and 2 to suggest a scientific textbook but a powerful and poetic description of God's intentions in creating the universe. The mechanism of creation is left unspecified. If God, who is all powerful and who is not limited by space and time, chose to use the mechanism of evolution to create you and me, who are we to say that wasn't an absolutely elegant plan? And if God has now given us the intelligence and the opportunity to discover his methods, that is something to celebrate."
(Time magazine, August 15, 2005, page 34)

I think different views should be taught in science classes. I think die-hard evolutionists should consider the basis for people who believe in intelligent design and die-hard 6 day creationists should look at the scientific evidence. One thing I also think: they should spend too much time on it. There is so much to learn when it comes to science if you dwell on the origin part you miss all the good stuff!!!!
Another thing: there are so many things that Christians need to pay attention to that it is worthless to spend too much on a debate that will most likely never end.

I'm not sure what to call this post. I will just start writing. Ok I have to admit something: I love watching beauty pageants. Always have. I especially love the Miss USA pageants: Miss USA, Miss Universe, and Miss Teen USA. So Miss Teen USA is on now and so of course I'm watching it. I always pay attention to who Miss Illinois is and if she is worthy of representing our state (I'm not quite used to the fact I live in Colorado, it's still not completely home). When I was still in high school a woman from Marion (where I lived) was second runner up for Miss USA, a year or so later Miss Illinois Teen was from Marion and got 1st runner up. Then a girl that I was in a pageant with was Miss Illinois Teen (she won the pageant I was in). Now get this another girl from Marion is Miss Illinois Teen and I knew her older sister. Her older sister was one of those girls that you wished you could hate but you couldn't. She was perfect. She was so nice and absolutely beautiful. She was super talented (she was Sarah Brown in a production of Guys and Dolls) and everyone loved her. As much as I wished I could dislike her I couldn't. But I admit I was jealous. She was tall, thin, beautiful, talented, smart, blah, blah, blah. I think she was a runner up in Miss Illinois Teen at one point. oh well. Now I will cheer on her sister.

It's kinda funny that I'm going to watch this pageant. I have been feeling especially ugly and fat lately. I just have no motivation to eat properly and exercise. I need to be studying but I have no motivation for that either.

Yesterday I was thinking about how I wish I could sing. Everytime I watch something about a recording artist and how they got started (yesterday it was the E! True Hollywood Story about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson) I sit there and I'm like "I wish that was me."

But then there's the part of me when I get to reading an article about medical research being done or I hear about a new disease or I volunteer at the hospital that I'm like "I want to be a doctor!"
How crazy is that? I go from wanting a music career to a medical career. I have always known my interests are widespread. What do you do when the world tells you to only pick one thing? Yes, I know, don't listen to them, be yourslf, do your own thing, etc.
Have I mentioned that I want to write? I have realized lately that I really want to get back into it. I used to write all the time but then got out of the habit. So hopefully I'll write more.
Oh geez, Aaron Carter is performing at the pageant. He sounds horrible. :) Kimberley Locke (from American Idol) is performing later; I like her, she's good.

Oh yeah another thing I want, I admit it, I want to meet someone and get married. yup, I do.

Ok I suppose that is enough mindless ramble. Hopefully I'll write more and it'll be entertaining.

Well nothing much has been happening around here. I've just been working. I got a new roommate. She's cool.

Um. . .yeah. It's raining here this evening and it rained yesterday too. It was wonderful. It cools the temperature so much. It's been really hot here. We have all our windows open and it's so relaxing to hear the rain.

This week I hated that I was in Colorado instead of Illinois: my best friend's mom died. I hated that I couldn't go to her funeral. But her husband was there (he's been gone because he's in the navy) so that was good. I haven't talked to her yet but I think things are going ok. I can't imagine losing one of my parents right now.

I keep going in and out between feeling happy with my life and then sometimes I feel....crappy as always. I am trying not to be but sometimes it's hard. I can't help but feel like my life is just really blah. I'm almost 25 and I'm still trying to get my undergraduate degree. But at the same time I'm glad I'm going after something I really want to (medicine) and that my path led me to Colorado. Even though i don't like my school all that much really I like my professors and that makes it a lot better.
I'm trying to be optimistic that things will get better and I will feel better about things that are going on but sometimes it's hard.

One thing that I have been thinking about a lot though is that fact that I really need to lose some weight. My clothes are getting to the point where they aren't fitting too well and I can't buy new ones (and I don't want to buy larger sizes either!). I really need to do something. But it's so hard. I'm not happy the way I am now. I do want to take better care of myself. It's hard though. I like junk food a LOT and I don't like normal exercise. Oh well maybe something will work out. Like me! Ha!!!!

Bad news

Well first of all, I couldn't get Dave Matthews Band tickets. They're going to be at Red Rocks in September. How awesome would that be? I went to see Maroon 5 and John Mayer last summer. It's an awesome venue! And Dave Matthews! It would've been wonderful. Maybe they'll come back someday.

But worse news is that the mother of the little girl who died last week is being investigated for child abuse. Apparently she had shaken and spanked her for like 10 minutes because she wouldn't stop rolling down the window in the car. She was probably doing it because she was hot! Then they left her in the car with the windows only slightly cracked. When they came back she was unconsious. So she was probably already getting really hot and even dehydrated, then she was probably crying and stuggling while her mom was beating her, making her even hotter. Then she was left in the car. I found her obituary online, the funeral was on Friday. She was only 2! The mother was only 19 so she was just a kid herself. It's so sad.

Hard Day

Today was a hard day at the hospital where I volunteer. I experienced my first fatality. A 2-year old girl was brought in unconscious. The person who brought her in said that they were driving (a long drive) and she passed out from the heat. . .it's possible maybe if she was on the side of the sun and was by the window. I really hope that's the truth.
They rushed her in and immediately performed CPR and got the drugs they needed. Of course, I can't do anything, but I stood in the room and watched. They worked on her for a half an hour. It was really sad. It was good to see how everyone reacted; everyone did what they needed to do. . .and when they pronounced her dead there were things they all needed to do and they did it.
the attending physician was amazing. She did her job and tried to keep everyone calm, gave orders, etc. She made the decision to stop working on her. There was nothing else they could do. Later, though, after they were cleaning her up you could tell she had been crying. It was hard on everybody.

I also saw a guy get a camera put down his esophogus and into his stomach. That part of the day was cool.

The best milkshake ever

Here's a recipe for the best milkshake ever:

Coffee ice cream (any brand will do but breyer's is really good)
Milk
Fudge
Nescafe Ice Java iced Coffee syrup, french vanilla
Bailey's irish cream (that's the most important ingredient)

Blend all together and then you'll be sipping paradise!
It's wonderful!!!

My job

Well I got a job! I started the day after I went to the temp agency. I am a receptionist at a title company. It's a lot of fun. I like it a lot. I work from 8 - 5 M-F. It's tiring. When I get home I don't want to do anything. But that's ok cause I work all day. And make good money. I'll have enough money to pay my bills and live on! yay! I won't have to ask mom and dad for anything. which is good because they moved and are a long ways away from a bank (my bank anyway).
Not much else going on. I'ts hot here. And there's no air conditioning where I live. Kinda annoying. Kinda wish I'd known that. oh well.

ok that's all for now. Just wanted to write about my job.

So apparently I saved this as a draft so it didn't show up. But now I will post it
You know what's weird, thinking about someone that you haven't seen or talked to in a long time. There was this friend I had a few years ago that was really cool but we lost contact. . .and for some reason I keep thinking about them (ok it's a guy) and I wish I could talk to him. but i feel weirdl...things didn't end that well between us. I wasn't that nice to him. I wish I had though, he was a really cool guy.
Anyway, just a weird thing.

Thursday

So I'm going to an interview today for a temp agency. It's mainly office and clerical work, which is cool cause I could get good money. I looked online and this company has offerings for jobs that pay at least $10.00/hr.
One of the things I need for this job is two forms of ID, so my driver's license and my SS card. I couldn't find it! I took it out of the wallet it was in and I couldn't remember where I put it. So this may not seem like a big deal but I calmly looked through. I asked God to help me. Usually in these situations I freak out and get all flustered and mad that I could be so stupid to just put my SS card somewhere that I didn't know where to find it. But I didn't want to do that this time. So, I calmly looked in different boxes I thought it may be in until I found it.
I was proud of myself. It's so easy for me to get all mad and flustered and then I get mad at myself for being all flustered and angry.
So now I will go and hope for the best. It would be great to find something full time especially for the summer but even part time will work at this point.
My parents have been great about helping me out financially but I hate having them have to. They're limited financially enough as it is. But they're being great about it. I have realized that I really do have wonderful parents. I couldn't say that a few years ago but now I realize how much they have given me. They have changed as well.
Well I'll let you know about what happens at the agency.
Wish me luck!

What keeps going on

So today I pretty much had a breakdown which involved a 45 minute phone call to my parents. Lately hearing what they have to say doesn't annoy me as much.
I feel like I am so screwed up right now. I don't feel diligent enough about getting a job and that makes me feel guilty because my parents are footing all the bills right now. It seems that all I do is watch movies (Friday there were a bunch of Judy Garland movies on, how could I resist?) and VH1. Ugh. I have been to some interviews, all for part time jobs that I probably would enjoy to some extent but they're not really what I want to do.
But I guess the biggest thing is my spiritual life or lack there of. I have no interest in going to church, reading my Bible, or praying. But this thing called Christianity is still such a big part of my life I can't imagine not following God. But I'm afraid of what following God wholly and completely will mean. In my mind, it means giving up things I don't want to give up, doing something I don't want to do and basically hating my life. I'm not sure how my mind will change about that. Supposedly, following God will bring freedom and joy.
Another hard thing is the fact that I grew up hating church and the people in it, I grew up thinking there was always something wrong with me because I wasn't as spiritual as someone else, etc. I always felt like I wasn't good enough at anything.
And now I'm in Colorado, at first things seemed to be going ok, then everything fell apart again. Now again I'm surrounded by people who are considered more spiritual, more loved by God, and who are probably going to do something great. It made me mad as hell when we prayed for people going on mission trips this summer in chapel. Apparently only people doing something with "ministry" attached to it are worth praying for. I feel like I'm just surrounded by people who are happy or doing a damn better job at pretending.
Then again, I decided a long time ago I didn't want to pretend, it was too exhausting.
I need God. I need to know the God that loves me and will give me peace and joy. A God that will take all these ugly things away, all the hate, the anger, and the bitterness.
I'm sick of the legalistic Christianity that I keep buying into. I'm sick of the American Christianity that rejects people for who they are and expects me to go along with them. I want nothing to do with it.

Illinois

So I guess it's been awhile since I've written anything. I went to Illinois for almost 2 weeks. It was great. I almost didn't want to come back. I miss my family a lot sometimes. Too bad I dislike Illinois so much. My neice and nephew are so wonderful. I got to see my neice's dance recital. She was so cute! I also got to see my sister and my friends, including my best friend and her new baby! She's so adorable! We didn't do anything all day but that was ok, it was great seeing her; I hadn't in over a year. She has a lot going on right now and it amazes me how well she has handled it all. (which she probably won't agree that she has when she reads this, but she has)
I also got to see my friends who share a love of the WB. We enjoyed the season finale of Everwood together. it's wonderful watching my shows with people who don't talk during the show. Seriously we'd talk during the commercial and as soon as the show came back on we'd immediately stop. It was great.
I really wanted to go see a Cardinals game especially because it's the last season in Busch Stadium but I didn't get to, oh well. It was a great, relaxing time. And I got to bring back the furniture I wanted to! So now I won't live out of a suitcase.

but now it is time to go back to my real life with my number one goal being to find a job. ugh.

Freedom

I am officially free from ever having to deal with the residence life office of CCU for the rest of my life. At least I hope so; I never want to live on campus again.
Cleaning is the worst. I even cleaned more after I officially checked out to help out the other girls who are still there. It's so tiring. After cleaning from top to bottom and scrubbing every inch of that apartment it makes me never want to clean ever again. Or at least not for a long time.
I don't have to do anything for awhile. Well i need to go find a job which is not going to be easy. I have to be able to go home for my brother's graduation so unless an employer will be nice and let that happen I may be jobless for a few weeks. Which I hate that means mom and dad will be footing some bills. I always hate that. I want to make enough money to support myself, at least for the most part. It'll be hard while in school.
Anyway.
I got all moved into my new place. I think I'll like it. I'm living with two other girls now. Better than 4. . and i get my own room so if i want to lock myself in I can. woohoo!
I think I just want to sit and knit and read. Of course that's hard when we have cable and I'm already addicted to VH1! It's ridiculous!
i guess that's about it. It's time for bed. i get to sleep in tomorrow.

Deep cave

So I wouldn't mind crawling up in a cave and just never coming out. I mean I could just have some food, some books (I've gotten all into reading again the last week or so) and knitting needles and yarn! I just learned how on Saturday. And I'll probably go ahead and bring my laptop as long as I'd have some kind of internet access (it's the 21st century surely there are caves with it by now) because the only people worth talking to are online, of course, that's not always that great either. Well I could get by without it.
I can just knit and read.
I just wish I had something to look forward to. I have nothing. I'm sick of being sick of everything.
I had a dream the other night that my mom was trying to pray for me and I told her to shut up. Then I had a dream that I was falling down something like an elevator shaft but then all of a sudden to a "falling" up again and landed on a balcony or something. But then there were pigeons who were pecking at me. Stupid pigeons.

Something has got to change soon. I can't keep being like this.

My life lately

Last Sunday I woke up and reluctantly went to church. I left 30 minutes into the service. I couldn't stand the prayers, the singing, and the happy people (or at least people trying to look happy). I decided to go to chapel today and from the moment they started talking about praying for people going on mission trips, working at Christian camps, or doing some other kind of ministry related thing I wanted to leave. Apparently they are the only people worth praying for. So I was tempted to leave during the prayer but I waited until the songs started. I couldn't sit there anymore. I couldn't stand being surround by all of those people. I just couldn't stand it. So I left and went to Starbucks. I have not felt like being around people lately. I did something with my roommates last night but the whole time felt like crap. Too often I've had that feeling of being so lonely even when surrounded by people. I just want to crawl up in a hole and not come out.
I still have to find a job. I am so discouraged about it right now. The only jobs out there are ones that I have done before and hated. And I'm afraid that how my last job ended will come back and bite me in the ass. Depression screws up a bunch of stuff. I'm so sick of it.
In about a week I will be done with this semester, and be moved out of this stupid CCU campus for good. I need to start packing. I have too much junk. I'm going to throw as much stuff away as possible.
I have been on a reading kick lately. I have been reading all of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. Next I may try to read my Jane Austen books or Wuthering Heights that I borrowed. Hopefully I'll keep it up all summer. I watch too many movies. Maybe I'll actually get through the Lord of the Rings books.
Reading all about the pioneer stuff again makes me wish that I lived in a different time. I always have. yes, things like cooking, washing, etc are easier nowadays but times were simpler, families were more important. I read these stories about those times and hope I can make my family as important as back then. I remember how my mom made us kids breakfast every morning. Like eggs and bacon, pancakes and waffles. I hope I can do that someday.
Oh crap I have class. Gotta go.

Play pictures

Here's a link to play pictures:

http://homepage.mac.com/jodieebrewer

Enjoy!

(I guess you'll have to copy and paste the link)

quick post

Everyone keeps saying that Sunday was the best day for it to snow. Hah! Stupid people. :)

We took down the set today. So we get to carry it from the music building to the art building. woohoo! (definitely being sarcastic here)

I keep thinking about God. I don't know where I stand with Him lately.
I have to find a job, I really don't want to. To be perfectly honest, I hate working. I've never had a job that I've liked.
School will be over soon. It's been hard to concentrate lately. I really wonder what I'm doing. What was I thinking when I thought I wanted to be a doctor? I will graduate next year. I don't know if there's any point to taking physics and organic chemistry especially because I don't need them for my degree and I must be crazy to think I'll be able to get into medical school.

You know what I really want. I want to feel at least a little content with my life. I want to feel like I have some sort of purpose. I want to like myself. I want to . . . feel like I belong somewhere. And I know that this is a typical girl thing but I really want to meet someone. I keep seeing all these married people that are so awesome I want to be one of them! I know it will probably happen sometime but. . .why can't it happen soon? ok that's my girliness for today.

Stupid snow

Well today (Sunday) was supposed to be the last show but Denver got hit by a snowstorm. So it got cancelled. It's such a let down. After last night we were all like "see you tomorrow!" But now. . .last night was our last show. It's so sad.
It was a lot of fun though. Last night we all went to Chili's and just hung out and had fun. There were so many cool people. They were a blast to work with. I don't even know if I can describe it. I hope I get to at least see them sometime again. I loved the whole process of everything and seeing it all come together. I hope I get to do it again sometime. It would even be fun doing behind the scenes stuff. I would love costuming! It stinks that CCU doesn't have a theatre department anymore. Not like I would have time to take any extra classes with all my science stuff.
I am really glad I got the chance to do this. It was wonderful. God really blessed me during this experience. The director is amazing. She is so wise and caring and just exudes this wonderful faith; it's inspiring.
But now it's time to go back to the normal.

A rush!

Ok so it's been awhile since I've posted. If I would've during the last month you probably would've heard all about how my life sucks and how I can't wait until this semester is over. As far as school is concerned it's been tough. I just feel like I can't get things done. And I have to find a job real soon.
BUT, tonight! Tonight was opening night of the play! It was SOOO much FUN! It went really really well. Acting and being up there on stage just gives me such a rush! My character is a mean-spirited Senator who is trying to figure out where her stepmother put $10 million dollars. It's fun. :)
I am soo thankful that I got to be a part of this. I've always wanted to be in a play and I'm so glad i got the chance. Before every practice and rehearsal (and now, performance) we pray as a cast. Tonight the only thing I could say was "thank you." For so long I feel like God says no to everything I like or enjoy. I guess that's not exactly a great way to view God and how he treats me but I feel like being in this play was his way of saying yes about something.
I got celebrate or pass out or something! (that's from Coyote Ugly, hehehe)

So right now the play thing is something that is just absolutely wonderful in my life. Maybe I'll go into the other stuff another time.

Over

Thank God this week is over. I got my paper and did my presentation without too much stress. I didn't take off to go for a walk at 5 am, which is always good. I had to sing this morning which sucked. Afterwards I just felt like crap, thinking I am no good at anything. Then I went shopping. That's always fun.
I watched the movie Adaptation tonight. It was cool. The guy who wrote it (and who it is about) also wrote Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So now it makes me want to see those movies.

So enough about the basics. Now it is time for some abstract thought.
Why is it that we want things that we know are not good for us? And that we can't have? What happens inside that when we see something or someone, we desire it? We think that it will satisfy something in us that seems to be missing. And just for one moment we want to ignore the part of us that is telling us that what we think we want is not good for us.
Sometimes I wish I could separate myself from the thoughts and what I know is right. I wish I could separate myself from my emotions.
Ok I'm done now.

Joys and frustrations

The joys:
Spring break is only 3 days away and it looks like I'll be going to Albequerque
and the best thing: Val had her baby!!!!!

The frustrations:
I have a Chem test tomorrow that I still haven't studied for
I have a 10 page paper and 15 min presentation to work on for Thursday that isn't even started yet
I don't know all my lines for the play yet
I don't know my songs for voice lessons as well as I should.
And I feel like I have no time!!! No it's just I don't have any motivation.

Only 3 more days before it's all over for a week. Of course I still have stuff to do during break. All the little stuff that hasn't gotten done (and memorizing my lines) because I spend so much on the big stuff.
oh well.
The happiest thing is Val had her baby! A little girl. I'm so happy for her. I just know she's absolutely beautiful.

More craziness

Ok so I never thought I'd wish I was back at Greenville College. Ok maybe not exactly. But I really wish I was in an atmosphere like that.
In the words of the geek guy in 10 Things I Hate About You "The shit hath hit-eth the fan-eth" Here at Colorado Christian University we found out that one of our best-loved religion professors is going on a "sabbotical" and not coming back. This sabbotical is more like the school not renewing his contract (therefore not voluntary) and is a link to wanting to rid the school of any teaching that is too liberal. Now I know that there are some views that some of the professors hold that not everyone agrees with, but when will everyone agree? When I decided to come here (besides it being in Colorado) I wanted a Christian university that I could have a Christ-centered education. I wanted a place where I could learn and be challenged. However that has not happened. Yes, I've learned but I've gone from being at a school that was challenging (faith-wise) to a school who will do anything not to step on anyone's toes (Namely parents and over-zealous alumni). It's so frustrating.
This afternoon we had a meeting that addressed some of the issues brought up. One of them being whether or not the University is going to become a school with more of an indoctrinating, "Bible college" type atmosphere. They say no. But as someone in the meeting said what is said isn't what i necessarily see happening. I tend to agree. I don't think we're necessarily going to be indoctrinated but I do think the school isn't going to challenge the students. They don't want to make the students think too much or cause too much controversy.
It's hard to figure out exactly. During the meeting the President of the University talked a lot but never really said anything. It was frustrating. He refused to answer questions. He just skirted around the issues that people brought up.
Only one more year now. . .I still wish that I was going somewhere else sometimes.

Craziness of life

I was alone all weekend. It pretty much sucked. No not pretty much. . .it did suck. And then all the homework I had managed to slip my mind so then I was stressed out about that all on Sunday night. Then I woke up late. . .I actually went to class though so that's good. I'm doing better now.
I went through a little breakdown last night though. I've been thinking a lot about God stuff and life/future stuff. And it just all hit the fan after this weekend. I didn't get much sleep. Which is why I overslept this morning.
Oh well. Hopefully the rest of the week will be better. . .even though I have so much to do. The next two weeks are going to be crazy!
I'd write more but I'm jamming to Bon Jovi and Def Leppard. :)

Boys

Whenever I have hung out with a group of guys, I usually have fun. Guys are fun to hang out with. There is just something about it.
It has been awhile since I have hung out with guys on a regular basis. Really the only time I do is when I go bowling. The guys who live across the hall are adorable. I wish I could actually get to know them. (well 2 of them, and 1 especially) But oh well. At least I have bowling.
Sometimes it sucks because they their "boys' club." Why isn't going out with the girls as much fun or as appealing? It would be fun to be able to have a cool mixed club. :) Sometimes I miss having a group of people to hang with. Really I don't have one. but oh well.
I'm just being silly. It's 1:30 am and I am trying to make myself tired so I can go to bed. It's not working.
But I have no idea what else to type right now so I'm going to go. llalallalalallalala. . . and I have school tomorrow! eeek!

Randomness

My best friend is having a baby. Pretty much anyday now really. I saw new pictures of her and she is SO pregnant! I almost started crying when I saw them. Just to think that she has a little person inside of her. . . I'm so sad that I haven't been able to see her and pat her belly :) After the baby is born I get to go shopping for her, though, yay! You know what's funny? Last night I was having dreams that I was waiting for a call to find out that she had the baby.
Yesterday my roommate wanted to go to a Christian bookstore to look for a book so we went. Someday I want to write a book about being single and happy. Not single, and happy enough until you get married. You look in the singles section and it's all about how to get by until marriage. Or finding a husband or wife. OH my! I think about it enough already! Sometimes it's hard not to think something is wrong with me or that no one will ever want me because I'm not a perfect Christian. I've been enjoying my single life lately. I have been able to just concentrate on school and have fun with my friends. (Yes I admit sometimes too much fun but still). And I can be happy for my friends who are married, having kids, or that are engaged. It's fun to watch it all unfold.
I think I need to find a job. I like to shop too much and without one I have too much time on my hands. Too bad I can't take all that time and study. Or memorize my lines for the play. Oh well :)
Colorado is beautiful. It's so beautiful today. I wish I could go to the mountains. Maybe I'll take a drive today.

A thought

So today I was thinking about school and the things I want to accomplish. To accomplish those things I have to do well in school. I have to be motivated and constantly active in my understanding of different subjects. While in my bioethics class, I wondered: Am I afraid to really do well? Am I afraid that if I actually apply myself that things I want to happen will happen? Am I afraid to live up to the intelligence I know I have? Is there a part of me who just wants to go through life not caring and not having to live up to anything?
I know that if I apply myself I can do really well. I could have straight As. I could fill out a medical school application in a few years and schools would be begging me for interviews (ok maybe not really but I'd get an interview). But maybe there's a part of me who only wants to be mediocre so I have a valid excuse for not accomplishing what I want.
I don't have anyone to look to when it comes to wanting to being more than I see around me. I have no one to look to when it comes to wanting a career and a family. I have no model of what a wonderful Christian woman who is working outside the home and raising a family looks like. I'm nuts. Why do I even think about these things?
BTW, I'm really proud of myself, I must say. I got through Valentine's Day wonderfully! There was a lot of bitterness around me but I was just like, eh! No big deal. Having a husband is definitely something I want but I also want it to be exactly what I need when I need it. And I know it will happen when I'm ready. No use in worrying about it. Even though at this wonderful Christian college we're only surrounded by it all the time. Ohwell, comes with the territory.
ok that's all for now.
Only a couple more weeks before my wonderful best friend is a mommy! yayay!!
time to do homework!

My new tradition

Last year on Valentine's day I went shopping. Today I went as well. I think it should just become a tradition. I found such cute stuff! And it was on sale! I found some wonderful black boots and little white tennis shoes. I got two adorable sweaters including a red cashmere one! On sale! It was so exciting! And now I am spending time studying the heart and with Gene Kelly (I'm watching Singin In the Rain). I love Gene Kelly. He's wonderful. OOO then maybe I could watch An American in Paris. Ah Gene Kelly in good old Parie, singing Gershwin, and dancing on a piano.
Ok time to go back to studying. I have a test on Monday. The circulatory system and the heart are so interesting! There's so much that goes on! It amazes me!

Valentine's Weekend

Ah, valentine's day. The Hallmark holiday. I remember last year. My roommate and I went shopping. We had a lot of fun. This year I'll be so busy with getting homework done I won't even have time to think about it.
There is a lot of bitterness surrounding me right now in regards to this holiday. I am trying very hard to have a positive attitude about it. I don't want to look at this time of year and be moaning about being alone. Yes sometimes it's hard but in the past few days and weeks I've tried looking at being alone as a good thing. I mean I do want a relationship someday but I don't want a meaningless one. I don't want just any guy, I want THE guy. And I'm willing to wait for it no matter how long. Ok so I hope I don't have to wait until I'm forty but I know I could make it.
I bought the movie, The Notebook this week. I absolutely love it. One thing my roommate mentioned about it was that you can see the image of Christ's love for us in the movie. When Noah is pursuing Allie, he pursues her relentlessly even though at first, she isn't interested. And then he invites her to be free. And then he dances with her, wooing her with a sweet melody. I want to be pursued by a guy that way that Jesus pursues me. I will accept no less.
Valentine's Day certainly isn't my favorite right now but I hope someday to enjoy it. But until then. . .I will just try not to think about it and enjoy this time I have alone. Lately it's been kinda cool. Lots of cool stuff is happening right now. . .I'm enjoying school, I'm in a play, and the other day, I worshipped in a way that I hadn't in awhile. Grace overtook me for a short time. It was short, but it was wonderful at the same time.
I just thought, even though things for me are going pretty well right now, it seems that so many people I know are going through a lot. Sometimes I'm afraid I will not be able to be supportive. I hope I can though.
Ok time for bed.

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the extravagent love of God, the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit be with you.

Being bad is so much fun

There are many times when I have thought this. I must admit that I like doing things that I know aren't 100% beneficial for me. Like going bowling. No the bowling part isn't the bad part, but the reason people started going bowling: $1 beer. Now I can only drink beer after having a couple good drinks before hand. We went last night and I indulged in a couple girly drinks and even a beer and for some reason I choose to indulge in some Camel Exotic Blends cigarettes. You know after about 3 I realized why I don't smoke. But at the same time it was kinda fun. It's amazing how social it all is. I think going to the bowling alley and hanging out with all the guys (including the cute guy from Georgia who actually looks incredibly hot smoking a cigar) gives me a sense of actually belonging. I need that from time to time. Even though I need that social interaction, I'm looking forward to the weekend; I'm going to hang out with a friend of mine and then do homework all weekend and be alone. I have some stuff to catch up on. And our apartment will be quiet this weekend so I can just concentrate (I hope).
Oh and just FYI, I am not going to start smoking or anything. They really are gross and not good for you. Not a habit I want to have. But every 3 or 4 years it fun to curb the slight craving I seem to have every once in awhile.
And being around guys when they're all being very guy-y is interesting. It's been awhile. I haven't really hung out with guys for like 4 years. i think there's still a part of me that is a little scared just because of all the crap I've been through. But oh well.
anyway that's just stuff that I was thinking about. I could think about it deeper and really contemplate why people do things they know aren't necessarily good. I guess it's part of that human nature thing. I know I can't be "good" on my own and my nature gets in the way a lot. And sometimes I just really don't care. Sometimes I don't want to be good. Sometimes being bad is just more fun :)

Woohoo!!!

I'm in a play! I am playing a senator. It's going to be cool. The play is called The Curious Savage. I haven't read it all yet but it seems really cool. I'm so excited. I've always wanted to be in a play and I always felt like I never had a chance. And now I do! I'm so excited! I said that already didn't I? :)
I've been feeling so good today. And really for the last week. I'm not messing with my medicine anymore. I really don't think it was doing much. I've been motivated to do school work (well for the most part) and I've been eating better and exercising. It's fun!
Ok that's all for now. It's so weird being in a good mood. I like it. I hope it lasts and when things aren't so great, I hope I can work through it. I think I'll be able to. We'll see.

:)

I annoy the. . .

crap out of myself. Just as I thought I wouldn't think about a certain guy and gotten past my 2 seconds of thinking I might like him, the thoughts come back. He's funny, nice, and he's not a super-Christian who's so outgoing that he doesn't remember the people he meets. He can talk to people without being annoying. But other than those things I don't know anything about him. I never have the chance to hang out with him except when the whole "crew" is hanging out. And then it's this little exclusive group of 3: him, his roommate, and one of my roommates. Everyone else is there but not quite in the club.
I'm a cool person, I'm worth liking. Of course even if we did get to know each other, I don't think that it would the right time for anything. I'm still working through stuff (btw, have I mentioned that I have been feeling wonderful the last week or so?) and trying to focus on school. He seems to be figuring out stuff too. And really into just having fun and partying a lot. He does like to drink. . .but oh well, so do I. :) But I'm all about the moderation, I promise.
He seems like he'd be hard to get to know really. Of course I am too. I don't know. I won't worry about it (or at least I'll try) and whatever happens, happens.

Too much thinking

One thing that happens to me when I get to thinking too much is that I am unable to fall asleep. Tonight is one of those nights. So until my doctor-prescribed sleeping pill kicks in I decided to write.
I had a good chat this evening with one of my roommates. Nice, good, honest talk. That kind of sharing I can handle.
One thing I can't handle is what happened Friday night. I went to this little get together at a guy's house (I know him through my roommates). For the most part it was fun, we talked, laughed, ate, and played cards. But also a part of the evening was going to be a time of sharing. Like sharing what was going on in our lives. I knew 4 people there and I didn't know them very well. All the rest were ones I didn't know at all. I was very uncomfortable. Two people that I knew were also uncomfortable with the idea of talking about their lives with complete strangers. So we bolted. One girl brought up watching Superman movies and at that point anything sounded better than that so we took off. It took us two Blockbusters to find all four movies, but we found them. So we watched two and then ended up staying up until 6 am and then slept until 11 am. It was great even though the people that we had gone with to the party weren't too thrilled at us bailing :). We laughed about it a lot. All three of us would have been massively uncomfortable.
To quote one of my favorite movies: "Life is a pain in the ass." It really is. The last few months have been hell. I don't know what this semester is going to hold. I am constantly thinking about my life and what kind of life I want to live. I am always contemplating what it means for me to be a Christian and what I believe about God. Tonight I realized (again) that I can't give it up. It's too much a part of me. And my faith is different than others. I want to be open and honest and compassionate. I want to know that God can work in many different ways. I think Jesus reveals himself to me in ways I do not expect. He knows my struggles and right now conventional ways of revelation (like the Bible and intense prayer) don't seem to affect me. Maybe the revelations I experience now will lead me to those once again but until then, he is reaching me through things that happen with people I know, with conversations, and with seemingly random experiences.
I am slowly realizing the strength I have and the person that I am. In turn I think that it will help me to realize the person of Jesus.
So those are the thoughts I have at 3 am. My pill is beginning to kick in so I think I will now cuddle up with my covers and sleep for a long time. No school tomorrow yayayayay!