Christmas recap and some other stuff too

We pulled into my parents driveway in the wee hours of Saturday morning at 3:30 am. It was a long drive. I couldn't really sleep any so I was up by 8:30 getting ready to make truffles and broccoli & rice casserole.
I loved spending time with my family. It's so precious to me now that I don't get to see them as often. My sister and her family came to mom and dad's and we had lunch and then opened presents. I had made a couple little scarves for my sister and a little purse for my neice. They both liked those. Dad loved his White Christmas DVD. And mom loved her sunflower photos. Oh and my nephew LOVED his Star Wars DVD I got him. I haven't found out but that was the goal for everyone to get him one so he could get all of them. I got my olive oil bottle, sushi kit (complete with the seaweed), blender, a set of my dishes, and a book filled with thousands of questions about movies. And I do mean thousands. It's a lot of fun.
Then we got to head over to see my brother's new place and the church where he works. We hung out at the little coffee shop and played scrabble for awhile. I lost. I stink at scrabble.
J loves my mom's yeast dinner rolls and my grandma's banana split cake. We brought some back with us. We headed over to my grandparents to eat lunch with them on Sunday before heading back to Kansas. Then we spent Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family and Christmas day with his mom's side. It was really fun. I missed being with my own family, of course, but everyone was so nice and welcoming I still felt at home. I think that was the best thing of all. I've been around his mom's side of the family more and I'm starting to pick up more on the little quirks of that side. His dad's side is more laid back and jokes around with each other. His dad's mom is in poor health but her mind is still really sharp and she's hilarious. J's other grandma is as sweet as can be but also is very good at ordering people around. ;-)

J and I got to talk a lot on the trip. We discussed many things about our relationship. I've really got to work on getting to a point where I trust him. It's been really difficult lately; my fear of him being like every one else is affecting us actually growing as a couple. I feel like there's a lot of things I need to work on.
I've been thinking about ways I can change the way I think about things. I've started thinking more about the qualities that I really love about J. He told me things that he really likes about me and I was encouraged because they are a lot of the things I like about myself and feel I have to offer to someone.
We also discussed some faith stuff. He has always had very pleasant church experiences and he really doesn't understand completely how and why church can be difficult for me. Especially when it comes to not always liking the United Methodist Church. Although, I can definitely say now that my beliefs line up more with the UMC than with any other denomination really. And things with the church here really seem to be different than in IL. There really is more of an emphasis on grace and acceptance.

So now there are lots of things to continue to think and talk about. I think my number one prayer right now is that I stop being afraid. I want to stop being afraid of my relationship with J, stop being afraid of my money situation and what it's going to take to fix it (I did finally re-cut up my credit card), and stop being afraid of really letting God be in control of my life.

I will not let fear rule my life.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

The crazy (but wonderful) Christmas traveling will begin today. J and I are leaving for Illinois this afternoon. We're going to mom and dad's to spend Saturday and part of Sunday with them, then we'll head back to Kansas to spend Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family, then Christmas day with his mom's side. I think it'll end up being that we travel about 20 hours driving. Sounds like so much fun huh?
But I am excited. I'm going to make biscotti and truffles tomorrow and open presents! And later on tonight down the road will be a stop at Steak-n-Shake. Woohoo!!!

I am trying not to think about the fact that this will be the first year EVER that I haven't been at my grandparents for Christmas. We are stopping by there on Sunday but still. It's weird to have another family to be around. Extremely weird. I am not worried about his mom's side; I've met all of them before. But I've never met any of his dad's side. So I'm going to end up being nervous, I'm sure.

Merry Christmas!!!!

ElfYourself

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1373148749

This is funny. Had to, of course, include J in this! It may be the only time I get to dance with him ;-)

Normal?

So after a few months now of feeling like crap, the last two few days I have felt better. What's funny? I'm waiting to go back to being my depressed self. . .except days of having a good day at work, laughing and talking to people, going out to dinner with co-workers and being cheering and outgoing. . .I wonder if that really is who I am. Will there be a day when the real, happy, outgoing me will be the norm instead of the sad, down, depressed me? I guess I will hold on to the hope that it will.

One of the girls from work had her little son with her. He's about 20 months old and absolutely adorable. He's trying to say like every word he can including "crustacean." We were at a Chinese/Sushi place that had fresh lobsters. Leave it to me to put some science into his brain ;-)
The poor thing has been sick and was a little grumpy so I took him for awhile so his mom could get her food put in the to-go box and pay her bill and it made me think only one thing and I will only say it really quick then put it away and not think about it anymore....I want to be a mom.

Ok time to continue my good day! I am going to watch TV and maybe have some peppermint-schnapps spiked hot chocolate even though I'm full from the sushi.

no idea

I have no idea what to get J for Christmas. I honestly never even thought I'd have the chance. . .(which is another issue altogether, why I keep thinking it's going to come to an end any day now) and now I have no idea.

He loves James Bond movies so I bought him two of those he doesn't have. But I don't want that to be all I get him. I'm trying to think of everything I know he likes but I can't come up with anything! There is something I know he'd like but it requires a long drive to get it and I am carless (something from the pottery shop). And something else I know he wants costs too much. I'd get it for him but I don't have the money (an iPod nano). I have no idea what he is getting me or how much he is spending on me.

Time is running out. And I'm stuck. He won't give me any ideas either. I'll keep thinking.

I really am tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of my funk. It's causing even the simplest of tasks to feel like huge chores and most of the time I just want the comfort of my nice warm bed especially when I really am supposed to be up getting ready for work.
The sermon in church yesterday was good. The pastor basically talked about how for a lot of people, Christmas isn't joyful; it's a time when the pain of losing someone or something bad that's happened seems to come out more. We have to remember that and not be ashamed to let ourselves feel. I'm feeling like that now; there are some things about Christmas I'm looking forward to and even though I know I really have no reason to be down, overall I am and I'll just look for the glimmers of light that come through the funk.

This weekend I went to J's cousin's graduation with his family. Saturday was a LONG day. The normal 2 1/2 hour drive to Manhattan became about 4 because of the bad weather. The roads weren't too bad but we still had to be cautious. Same way with the drive back. By the time we got home everyone was exhausted and tense. Then my truck started acting up about 8 miles from J's house. I had to drive back to his place hoping I'd make it; I didn't want to risk driving all the way home or get stuck somewhere on the side of the road. And because he wouldn't have any time at all to take me home on Sunday, he took me that night. He got home a little after 1. I felt bad because I knew he had a long day on Sunday, as usual, and he had already driven all day. He's going to try to take my truck to get looked at today. . .although the weather is supposed to get bad again so I don't know if he'll get to.
One thing I always think about when these things happen is my financial situation. I'm almost 27 years old and I will be asking my parents for money to get my truck fixed. And because of my irresponsible choices with money, I will not get a different vehicle for a very very very long time.

Even with my funk, I'm trying to remember things I'm thankful for and that make me happy. Here's a few things I'm thankful for:

1) I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend who will drive me home at midnight when there's ice starting to fall even after driving all day and he is exhausted. And I'm thankful that he really is someone I can trust and talk to even when I still have a hard time of it. And he's good at driving in winter weather so that means I won't have to :-)

2) I'm thankful that even with my truck broken down it's not affecting me too much. I can walk to work as usual and the grocery store is right next door. And now I have friends who I can call if I do need to go somewhere, like church yesterday (J MADE me call and ask to get a ride, it was extremely annoying, but I am glad I got to go, it was the first time I sang in the choir) and Bible study tonight.

3) I'm thankful for heat. Last winter in the apartment I was in, the little window unit heater didn't do such a great job. Even though I still seem to feel cold when it is 72 degrees in my apartment, I'm thankful I have a better heater and can warm up a little better.

Here are some things that make me happy:

1) Hot cocoa (and the occassional addition of peppermint schnapps)
2) My Christmas tree. It's bright and as J said, fancy.
3) Curling up on my couch and watching White Christmas. What will make me even happier is if I can get J to actually watch it with me at some point ;-)
4) Painting a kind of abstract butterfly. . .I haven't had much luck with the painting thing but I really like how it turned out.
5) Knitting. I am now working on the third little accessory scarf that I am just having a blast making. Very simple and I love sitting around the table with the ladies at the office during our daily coffee break; almost everyone sits around and knits!

Speaking of which, it's time for it now!

My goal today is just to remember to be thankful and enjoy the moments of light. . .

My favorite picture

This fall, I drove by two huge sunflower fields outside of J's town. I borrowed his camera and took about 4 rolls of film so that I could give a few of them to my mom for Christmas. I finally developed them this week and got them back to discover there were several very good ones. My favorite? This one of a monarch butterfly. I have a few with the butterflies; I think I will make a photo collage for myself.



I love butterflies.

better

I feel a little bad for looking forward to Wednesday afternoons. This is the day that my boss teaches a class and leaves at 3:30. So unless there is just something pressing to do, I admit it: I goof off.
Including writing this :-)

So surprise, surprise, I feel better. I sent J an e-mail on Monday that managed to completely lift my spirits. I started remembering the things I have to look forward to and the things that make me, ME. One of the things that make me, me, will happen after work. I will defy the idea that women can not fix cars and replace my serpentine belt in my truck. It completely split in two last night around 11:30 as I was driving home from visiting J. It was great. . ..Haha! Now I admit that by the time I get the belt on, I will probably be a little pissed off but oh well. The final step of getting it on is the most difficult and I'll be rushing to get it done before its dark. But I'll do it.

Anyway, between writing the e-mail and the discussion we had after he read it, I am definitely feeling better. It still seems a little weird for me to think about it but J and I are, I think, taking steps to really figure out our relationship and where it's going. I guess you could say we're digging into it a little deeper. I know it's not going to be easy but I think it'll be good, whatever ends up happening.

I probably don't read as many as other people, but there are definitely a number of blogs I read regularly. One of them is by a woman who has cancer. One is by a woman who is a recovering addict. One is by a woman who at the age of 25 is a widow. And one is by a woman who after almost a whole lifetime of believing in God, is now an atheist. Besides the blogs of friends I read, those are the main four I always check.

Reading the one by the woman with cancer makes me feel awful for thinking my life is so awful. Reading the one by the young widow makes me feel awful that I was so upset by moving to a new place only to be dumped. Reading the one by the atheist makes me scared that even after a lifetime of believing there is a chance of not. And reading the one by the addict. . .gives me hope.

I've definitely been depressed lately. It's very frustrating because I always have this feeling of not having any reason to be. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my refridgerator. . .I am not lacking anything. On Friday I helped one of the guys in our Bible study help his sister with cleaning and laundry. It was one of the worst things I've seen. The house was a disaster. Holes in the walls, dried egg from when the kids threw eggs at the walls, dirty diapers just laying around. We ended up loading up the back of my truck with bags of clothes that were no longer wearable. Even then there were about 15 loads of laundry to do. And even though there is barely enough money to buy food for the 6 kids, there is enough to buy beer and cigarettes, a big-screen TV and have digital cable. I told the guy that I'd be willing to help out again. The biggest obstacle is going to be trying to teach their mother how to manage. No point in getting the place cleaned up only for it to become like it was before. I don't know if it'll work. I pray to God it does.

It made me scared of what life can do to people. I think what makes me even more scared is that I wonder sometimes if it's all worth it or if there's anything really to look forward to.

Yesterday I got to thinking that one of the things I'm scared of is never being happy here. I'm scared that I will end up staying and always regret it. And that I'll always wish I was somewhere or someone else. I pray that doesn't happen. Although I can feel it already happening.

Christmas is coming. I have my decorations up, lights outside but I'm not at all excited.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm so tired of being like this.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving!!!

I love Thanksgiving. I love the whole holiday season. Except for the crazy shopping. I feel sorry for the people who have to go to work tomorrow at 5 am (or earlier!) and deal with crazy people. J's mom goes to the stores at 5 am. I used to want to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving but not anymore.

Ok but that's not today :-D. Today I get to have french toast for breakfast, make an apple pie, and spend Thanksgiving with J's family. And I get to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade! I never get to watch much of it because we're always traveling to grandma's.

And as much as I get tired of the crazy shopping (or rather, the way that shopping for the holidays makes people crazy and forget what it's all supposed to be about) I wouldn't mind taking a trip up to Kansas City to do some real shopping. Wichita doesn't have many good stores. I don't know if I'll get to do that or not.

Anyway, I'm excited for today and I went ahead and got out my Christmas decorations (I think I may have to get a few more) and listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

One thing I have thought about is Advent. I've never paid much attention to it. We're going to do an Advent study at the office and I have an Advent calendar with different Bible passages to read everyday. Maybe I'll do that.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!!!

About the letter

Well J and I talked last night about the letter. It was a good, productive conversation. He asked me questions about the things I wrote about and even if it was difficult, I answered honestly.

Both of us have at least one thing we have to work on. I have to work on actually trusting him. I told him that I don't trust him completely because I am still scared that he will end up being like everyone else. I'm working on it. I've been more willing to open up and tell him things and realizing that he isn't like everyone else. And even if down the road we realize we aren't meant for each other that doesn't mean I can't trust him.
He has to work on his attitude that because he is the guy, he always has to be strong. He doesn't want to show that he has a weakness which is why it's been so hard for him to admit that he has been struggling with being depressed over the last few months. So I hope for both of us, over time, we will overcome these things.

I do feel better about things. He asked really good questions that helped me think through how I was feeling. And he didn't make me feel badly about any of it either. I was glad of that.

I am heading down to his grandparents' tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Of course, I will miss being with my family but I am looking forward to it. I'm making apple pie! Yummy!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

What a weekend

This was a interesting, crazy, wonderful weekend.

My parents and sister came on Friday and went to the musical on Saturday. We just chilled out Saturday morning. We ate french toast and bacon for breakfast, had a little snack at Panera bread, went to Target, and ate dinner at Chipotle. J came too.

J came to the musical on Friday night and he brought me flowers. He was so excited and happy for me. Which made me feel bad because I had written him a letter about some things I was really frustrated about. I didn't want to give it to him. But I did anyway. . .he read it right away. One of the things that has been bothering me is the fact that he doesn't really talk to me but he'll talk to other people about what is going on with him. He doesn't want to burden me with it all (I found this out from the person he told), but him not being open with me has made me upset and makes me not want to be open with him. So anyway, we'll see what happens with that. He took me out to lunch today and I'm spending Thanksgiving with his family so I think everything will be ok. There's just some stuff we need to work on.

I loved having my family here. The musical was awesome. And hopefully J and I will work on the things we need to work on.

Thoughts, part 1

Fiddler starts tomorrow! We had a dress rehearsal last night and there's another one tonight. I think it'll go well although it just seemed like a mess last night. I hope tonight goes better. There are several things I have to move on and off stage and I kept forgetting. Oh well.

I got my dress finished and it turned out really good! I'll make sure to get a picture and I'll post it.



I have had so many things on my mind lately. Not any real problems or issues, just thoughts and general wonderings.

Lately it's been difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I am still in Kansas. I think back to a year ago and remember how I was convinced I was going to move back to Illinois at Thanksgiving. Even went as far as quitting my job. I think I just wanted an excuse to quit so I could go home for Thanksgiving. The thought of spending the holidays alone were too much to handle. But I stayed. And now it seems I will be sticking around for awhile. I will be here at least another year for work but most likely more to go to grad school. Ultimately I think I'll be ok with it, but I also know that it will take a long time before it feels even close to "home." It still feels so temporary. I don't know for sure what will happen with J. I don't know if I'll get into grad school. If you told me right now that neither of those things would work out, I'd start looking forward to next November when I could move, even if I was willing to wait that long. Lots of people can print letters and make up excel spreadsheets.

I still don't like that everytime I think about how I got to Kansas, I think of D. I probably always will. I know as time goes on, it will be less. I have a feeling I'll always wonder how the kids are. Of course, I think you always wonder about people who have been a part of your life. There are other people I wonder about as well.

But so much has happened over the last year and a half. Things that are good. I have J, I have friends here, I really like (and miss!) my Bible study group, I am going to join the choir at church, and although my job is incredibly boring at times, I love the people I work with. There's one lady that every once in awhile, we'll have a good conversation. Really there's potential all around me. I have the potential to have close relationships, be involved at church, and really have a life here. Sometimes, though, I think I still struggle with it being a life that isn't what I thought it would be. I've struggled with that for years and I know it's common. Sometimes I still wish I was traveling around singing or living in NYC, performing on Broadway. There have been times during the musical when I notice a kid or two that really has talent and a lot of potential and see how their parents are encouraging it, and it's frustrating because I didn't get the same encouragement. But I see ways to still do things I enjoy even if it's not on such a grand scale. The director of the musical is the choir director at church and he has encouraged me to join. There will be more of these little productions and who's to say I won't get a chance to sing and perform more often. We'll see.

Ok that's it for now. More thoughts later.

A few weeks ago when I went bowling with J's youth group, we also went to a church service before hand. The pastor spoke about basically being content & making the best out of your circumstances, using the passage Jeremiah 11 as an illustration. The people had been exiled to Babylon and, through Jeremiah, they were told by God to. . .well, live their lives. They had jobs, families and watched their children marry and have their own children. I think it was 70 years they were there. I'm sure they dreamed of their home (Israel) and probably sat around and complained about being stuck in Babylon but they lived anyway. They were told that God had a plan for them and they believed it (Ok I know the Bible may not mention this but I'm sure they had their moments of not believing it, they did have a history of it & it is a bit of human nature).

J reminded me of this last night when I was telling him about how upside down and out of it I still feel at times. As excited I was about being in the musical, I'm ready to perform it and get it over with. Actually, I have fixed feelings. I am excited about the performances. I am ready for it. I'm excited about my dress that is coming along wonderfully. I finally get my old-fashioned costume. On the other hand, I'm ready to start going back to Bible study. I miss it.

It's a gorgeous day here today. But as beautiful it is, I still imagine in my head how beautiful the mountains of Colorado are. It's still sometimes hard not to think about it and wish I was there. Especially when I remember the way I got here in the first place. But then, it's hard to say that because of all that has happened. J. . .the musical. . .I am going to start singing in the choir at church. None of that would've happened if I hadn't come. Hell, one of these days I may end up having to thank D! (Ok let's not go that far)

I think that still being uncertain of what my life will hold (and I know everyone is uncertain) is hard. I will be 27 in January and I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I still feel like I'm still waiting for my life to start.
But I am still hopeful. I am still hoping to go to grad school in a year. My relationship with J is still growing. I've seen that in how I have been able to open up to him more, especially in the last week. He's more helpful than I thought he would be. Although, he used a cliche Christian phrase last night but I told him that I hated it. :-) He understood. It has sometimes been difficult for me to believe he can handle all my issues.

So even with the uncertainty, I will still be hopeful. And remember to be thankful. Because I know I do have a lot to be thankful for. And lots to look forward to.

I am almost finished with my costume! All I have to do is hem the skirt and put on the buttons. And if I can't figure out how to do the button holes, then I will sew on the buttons and just use velcro to fasten the bodice. The audience doesn't have to know! :-)
The show is next week. It's on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And, of course, there are rehearsals every night next week. And my parents, sister, and brother are all coming!

I started thinking last night about how I miss being busy. Work isn't very busy right now and I just get bored so easily, it seems. And even with the musical, I don't have much going on. I haven't had to commit to anything outside of regular rehearsals since I don't have a big part. What's funny is that I'm sure at some point I'll look back and miss not being busy! I have decided that I'm going to join the choir at church. I think that'll be good and maybe help me to get to know some more people there. I will probably try to find a job after the new year as well. And I think I am going to try and get into sewing more. I want to make some skirts and maybe even try a jacket/blazer type thing.

I feel bad for J though. Cause he is busy. The nursing home is short staffed so everyone has to work overtime. He has been working one or two 12-hour shifts a week. Plus 2 after-school programs for two churches and youth group. And on top of all that he's been sick this week. He really hasn't gotten a chance to rest much, I don't think. I wish I could do something for him. Which I'm sure he thinks I've done enough since he started getting sick after he saw me on Saturday...my throat was a bit sore. Apparently, he gets sick very easily. All I did was sit next to him on the couch (seriously).
There's a lock-in on Saturday that I'm helping with. I will try to do as much as I can for him but may just end up being the person yelling at the kids (his voice is about gone, of course, I have to be careful too!) if any of the "couples" start getting to cozy. Which is bound to happen considering it's a movie-themed lock-in. There will be movies going on in 3 or 4 different rooms. Fun idea, huh? There's even going to be a concession stand.

I've been feeling very ho-hum lately. I know I shouldn't whine about it but it's hard not to sometimes. Oh well. I'll just try to enjoy it and find things to do.

Apparently, my unwillingness to go to church wasn't just last week. . .I woke up thinking it was after 10 only to realize I had forgotten about the time change it was only after 9. I still didn't want to go. I am not sure why. It's weird especially since I had gotten to a point where I really wanted to go. Oh well. I didn't beat myself up over it. I tried to have a bit of quiet time. But all that ended up being was reading a little passage out of the Bible and saying a little prayer. It was all I could muster. I did have a nice relaxing day though.
I had rehearsal and I had thought that I'd try to go to the 5:30 service but I got done with practice at 3 and couldn't find something to waste 2 1/2 hours. I went to a couple of stores nearby but it was too tempting. I kept finding things I wanted but knew I couldn't buy them so I decided that it would be better for me to just go home. Then I just chilled; I watched what was left of the Patriots-Colts game (it was a good one, both teams were undefeated, now just the Patriots still are), cleaned up my apartment, ate some pizza, then remember that I have a dress to make!
I don't remember if I mentioned it but I am making my costume for Fiddler on the Roof. I got the bodice pieces put together and the collar on. I put on a musical while I was working and ended up working until almost midnight! I completely lost track of time.

Days like yesterday and not wanting to go to church always make me think about my whole spiritual life, my thoughts about church, and just faith in general. I got to thinking (again) about what it really means to have a relationship with Christ. I'm still not sure what it means exactly. Except that I think I know more now what it means to rely on him. I don't think I would've made it through this year without him. Well I guess I could've made it but I don't know if I would be in a good place. I find myself restless at times, wishing there were things I could do to live out my faith more. Not because it's what I'm supposed to do but because I just really want to. I feel like all I do is think of myself and it gets tiring!

What's church? Is it just a Sunday morning event? Or is it something more? I was reading the first couple chapters of Acts and found it interesting that the early believers just came together, broke bread (i.e. fellowship), and worshipped. Is that what we do on Sunday morning? Or Saturday night (As many churches are having services that night)? Sometimes it seems that there is such an emphasis on going to a church service as if that is the number one evidence of faith...but is it really? Or is it just one factor in the midst of several things that are evidence of faith? If a church is supposed to help people get connected into a community of believers, what happens when that doesn't happen? Am I asking this because its never happened to me? I've never felt like I truly belonged in any church community. I have found places that I like to go as far as the church service but I've never belonged. I've always felt like an outsider. Of course, growing up no church was "mine," it was just where dad was the pastor at the time. It didn't take long for me to figure out that the Illinois United Methodism that I was surrounded with (ok really just one group in particular) demanded me live up to a set of standards I couldn't live up to.
Am I using it all as an excuse?

a few little revelations

Last night I went to J's youth group meeting and helped cook a meal. It was the birthday of his foreign exchange student so he wanted to make a dish from his native country (Thailand).
He found a recipe and I told him that I could pick up anything that he couldn't get down where he lived. There are several asian markets (I now know of 3 just within a mile or two of my apartment) so I could easily pick up hard to find ingredients. I got the things that he said he couldn't get at a regular grocery store only to get to the church to have him ask me "where's the rest of the stuff?" Apparently he thought I was picking up everything right down to the green onions! I was very proud of myself; I calmly explained that I thought he was getting that stuff and that it was my understanding I was only getting things that he couldn't get at the grocery store. I did apologize for forgetting to bring the garlic though; I had said that I'd bring that since I already had some.
Anyway, there was someone he called that could go pick up the rest of it, so it worked out ok. I did think it was funny though because no one was surprised that there was a miscommunication; apparently a few of the adults have had their moments of confusion with him. I'll have to remember that.
So now I know that I just have to make sure we're very clear on plans and who's responsible for what. I'm glad it turned out ok though. It was a lot of fun.

It got me to thinking about how everyone has their own talents and things they like to do. . .the last few weeks I've really realized I love to cook. I really do. And not just the end result of the meal but the process of cooking. I always make a huge mess but that's part of the fun. I don't like feeling rushed about it because the whole process is theraputic. I also love that J will help me clean up! :-) I love trying new things and using fresh, different ingredients. I'm not sure why this surprises me so much.

Another thing I started thinking of has to do with a comment one of the other adults made last night. I needed help lighting the stove (I really am afraid of sticking a match down through the little grate while the gas is on) so asked someone to light it but then needed another one lit a little bit later and he said "boy you sure are demanding." I knew he was joking but in an effort to keep myself from actually thinking I was being too demanding I said "I'm just at take charge individual." Of course, this isn't true, but what's funny is the guy said "Good, J needs a take charge kind of woman!" I thought this was interesting. J is a very type-A organized individual. But I have noticed (and after getting some insight from other people) that he can also be a bit of a flake. Which, I guess, is just his 23-year-old guy-ness coming out. Sometimes it's frustrating. It's good to know about though so I can learn how to deal with it. One way I don't want to deal with it is by being a nag about things. I cringe everytime one (or all) of the women around here start talking about their husbands like they're idiots. I don't want to be like that! I'm sure in some ways it's inevitable but I don't want to just assume he can't do things for himself or that I'll always have to handle things myself. I don't think it would really be like with him but I think we both have the tendency to be passive about some things and may help each other out in that area.

One thing about last night was seeing how much he truly loves being a youth pastor. He loves working with the kids and really wants to help them and be there for them. Last night after I got home he called me and talked to me about some of the different kids and what is going on with them and how he's trying to help. One thing that has been happening lately is a few of the boys just come over to play video games (that's what happened the Saturday I was there and ended up making tacos; they still talk about it). Oh my last week one of the guys said something like "if you two get married, you're going to start off with like 6 kids." I just laughed and thought "if only you knew how ironic that really was." I like getting to hang out with them from time to time. It's a bunch of guys. I haven't hung out with any of the girls really, that intimidates me a little more. I do get to help with a lock-in soon though! Eek!

So going back to what I was saying before, married women, I have a question (or two) for you. . . .in what ways does your husband step up that you really appreciate? And in what ways does his "guy-ness" come out that annoys you and how do you deal with it?

Happy Halloween!!!

To hell with thinking Halloween is an evil holiday. It's FUN!

Happy Halloween!

Love, Marilyn

There is a song that my dad's southern gospel singing group always sang called "Excuses." It was all these "excuses" people used to explain not going to church. I think us kids always liked it because it was a little more fun than the other songs.
That song pops into my head sometimes when I don't go to church. Like this morning. My excuse? I went last night! ;-)
One one hand I think it's a little funny that I will remember that song but then it's also a bit annoying that there's still something in me that will always make myself feel bad about not going on Sunday morning. Even if I went the night before.
Anyway, I went last night with J's youth group. He brought them up for a service at one of the United Methodist churches, then dinner and bowling. It was fun. I rode go-karts! I think I've maybe done that like once before. And the best part? I beat J at bowling!!!! I haven't bowled in probably about 2 years. What's really funny is at one point I said something about beating him and he said "I've seen you kick a soccer ball, I doubt you can bowl very well." I got a strike the very first time. I was excited. All his youth group kids were cheering me on to beat him.

It was fun but a little weird. I am already still a little shy around him sometimes but when I'm around him and other people. . .I'm even more so. I think I know why. . .and guess who it has to do with? Yes, that's right. Grrr. I think I'm afraid that he has some expectation of what I'm supposed to be like and he'll somehow find something wrong. Grrr. I hate that I still think like that. I mean he's never given me any reason to think he has that messed up attitude.

I will try not to worry about it. And at some point I'll talk to him about it.

I'm a little bored with this blog thing. I don't have anything to write about. Nothing of importance.

Musical is going well. . .it's getting to be crunch time now. We perform in less than a month! I'm going to make my own costume. I'm excited. I am not excited, however, about the fact that I have rehearsal tomorrow night and will have to miss Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy.

I think I may give up once and for all on eating healthy.

I made tacos for 6 people on Saturday. I went to J's and 3 youth group kids (plus the foreign exchange student) randomly showed up. It was fun! We also watched The Sixth Sense and made cookies.

I have realized that I get defensive of pastors when I hear people saying negative things about them. This includes when J speaks negatively of his pastor (and I don't even know her!) and says that he could do a better job of running the church than she does (plus I just think he's being arrogant). I haven't figure out a nice way to tell them that though.

As much as I like doing the musical, I really miss going to Bible study.

Ok that's enough.

So happy...

To quote Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday, "So happpyyy."

Today I got a wonderful special surprise. J sent me flowers! They were waiting for me at my office when I got back from lunch!!! They're so pretty!!! I was so excited!!! I was so surprised!!!

We met 6 months ago.

I left a message on his voicemail to tell him thank you and that I would have a constant smile on my face for the rest of the day. Everytime I look at the flowers I smile like an idiot.

I've never gotten flowers from a guy before. . .I think that makes it even better!

Better Sunday

Well I am now stocked with blood-type friendly foods including soy milk creamer and dried cranberries. Unfortunately I also have hummus which I thought was ok only to look on my list of forbidden foods and find that the main ingredient (chickpeas) is on it. Bummer. So then I just bought some pita chips to eat with it until its gone. :-)

This Sunday hasn't been nearly as bad as last Sunday. I haven't done much today but it's not as much of a lonely day. I went to church this morning. It was an example of what the new Saturday night service is like. I liked it although I don't think I'd be able to do it all the time. It's more relaxed and experiential, which is cool, but there's not as much music which I'd miss. The sermon was about the kingdom of God and how it can show up in subtle ways in our everyday life. And how we can make it happen. God is always wooing us to him and we, in turn, can help show other people that. Yesterday, I saw wild turkeys. I don't think I've ever seen wild turkeys before. Today I saw a swan as I drove home from the grocery store. All afternoon it's been raining and now there's a full-blown thunderstorm going on. I forget to see these little things in creation that remind me of God.
And I wonder, how can be someone to show that to other people? I feel like I talk a lot but don't do anything. I get so wrapped up in my own life that I forget about all the other people around me. I'm not really sure how. In my worry about going to BF's church yesterday I missed the chance to do something for him. I stopped by Sonic to get something to drink and realized I never even thought of getting him anything even though he always gets me something.
The thing at his church was fun. I went and I'm glad I did. I like seeing him around his youth group kids; I think it's really great he's been around for as along as he has been. I really believe he's made a great impact on a lot of them.

Oh I'm so sad! He asked me if I had rehearsal on Tuesday because he wanted to come up and take me out. It's been 6 months! And guess what? I have rehearsal. It's the first time I've had it on a Tuesday. I'm so sad. It was funny, he was like "I just go by the first time we met, I don't really know what date to consider it official." Works for me. :-) I haven't dated anyone for 6 months before. Even the thing with D didn't last 6 months. Oh wow. . .I have been dating J (ok it's time to upgrade to his first initial) for longer than the whole time start to finish with D. That's so cool. Even though things have still been difficult here, it's been more than I could ever have thought.

One interesting thing: J is getting a foreign exchange student. The student had been living with a family but the couple is getting a divorce so they're moving him. I hope it works out well. I think it'll be neat; he's from Taiwan. I'm sure it'll be better for him.

Ok time to brave the rain (ok, enjoy walking in the rain) and go get my laundry.

Last night I finally fell asleep sometime after 12:30. I woke up to the sound of a garbage truck around 5 then was in and out of sleep until I got out of bed to get ready for work.
And just like every other day this week I'm tired. Very tired. And my head is hurting.

I've been thinking of some things I could do to help me sleep so I may start to give those a try (including your suggestions Jamillah).

I keep thinking about the good old diet and exercise stuff. . .I may try going back to avoiding red meat, getting soy milk, and sticking with fruits, veggies, and rice (i.e. blood type diet). I do remember having more energy and feeling better when I did it. So we'll see. . .can't hurt right?

But even trying to do something to address the physical stuff, what about the rest of me? Something seems to be affecting the rest of me but I don't know what it is.

Oh I would do anything right now to just go home and sleep.

what's wrong

Something is wrong but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's 11:30 and I've been trying to go to bed since 10. I've been tired all day but once it's actually time to sleep I can't. It's been like this all week.
I am still so alone here. Nothing seems right anymore. I feel all unsettled and uneasy. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel like I have a million thoughts running around in my head but as soon as I try to sort it out I freeze. As soon as I sit down to write I freeze.

I have read aloud some prayers that I have next to my bed. I have prayed my own prayers. They weren't much more than "just help me to sleep, I don't know what's wrong." I have listened to music to try to help me settle down. But it's not working.

BF's church is doing some big fundraiser on Saturday and I considered going but for some reason I think I should just stay home and try to figure out what's going on. But then I remember that Sunday is my day to do nothing and I always end up miserable, why do I want to add another day that I'm not doing anything?

I don't know what's wrong except that I feel lost, alone, and fearful because I don't know why.

EEK!

Something happened last night that I am still surprised about.

It was brief but it happened.

Holidays were mentioned in a conversation with BF. As in, how we would spend the holidays. I believe I will have 4 Christmases to figure out this year. Eek! How in the world did that happen?

I think I may kinda like it though ;-)

Right now the most logical thing is to go to Illinois for the weekend before Christmas, then spend Christmas Eve and Day in Kansas, especially since we'd both have to work the next day. I'll be bummed about missing my family's thing on Christmas day but it would be a lot to have to drive home on Christmas and go to work the next day. It'd be a long day.

But we'll see. . .nothing definite yet. But it was mentioned. :-)

Time to unwind

Today work was not good.

But as a way to relax and unwind, I find that there is nothing better than sitting and watching a good movie (tonight it's Pride and Prejudice) and a glass of wine. And a little knitting from time to time.

At the same time I am trying to figure out if I want to rearrange my apartment. I started to but now I'm thinking I don't like the idea. We'll see.

Back to relaxing.

Thank God for Monday

Who ever says, "thank God it's Monday?" I sure do. Yesterday was horrible. By the end of the day I was so miserable. And not for any reason. I sat around my apartment all day and watched TV. And while doing that, got myself into a funk. After BF got home, I was talking to him a little about my day but it was getting late so he had to go. I was mad. He knew it; I got offline real fast without saying goodbye. He sent me a text; I didn't get it until this morning. I apologized for getting upset. I didn't have any reason to be. It was almost 11 and the poor guy has to get up at 5 am.

The thing is, I know I have to make myself do more on Sunday. I have to keep myself occupied. When I don't, it's so easy to get myself into this funk that all I do is feel sorry for myself. This time around it was thinking about how in 3 months I will be 27 years old and feel like my life isn't much of anything. I know it's not true but it's hard not to think it. My life is still nothing like I thought it would be. Ok, I know that no one's life is what they really thought it would be. But you probably get what I mean. Even when you know you are completely normal thinking that you life is nothing like you thought, it still is difficult sometimes.

They hardest part with finding stuff to do is doing stuff that doesn't require money. What did I used to do when I got bored? I went shopping. I can't do that anymore. Even window shopping is impossible because all I think of is how I can't buy anything. And that's even more depressing! One thing I need to be better about is working on Christmas presents. There is knitting to be done, pictures to develop, and maybe even some painting to be done. I should do a painting for my brother. He'd like that.

I want to work on my apartment. I am going to get a new bookshelf to put my movies in, move my loveseat and old bookshelf. The loveseat will fit in my bedroom and then the old bookshelf can go where the loveseat was. So really there are lots of projects to work on, it's just getting the motivation to actually work on them.

I was better by the time I went to bed. God and I had a good talk. Then I felt better. I'm still glad it's Monday though.

sundays

I have come to the conclusion that Sunday is my least favorite day of the week. Once I get home from church, it's just a blah day.
Today I got home from church and fell asleep until after 2 pm. Then I realized that my computer didn't work. Which made me mad. It's working again now.
Sunday is my day to clean up my apartment especially when I know that BF will see it on Monday. Yes I admit, I clean mainly because I know he'll see it. It may not be as clean as usual tomorrow. Although I'm pretty proud of myself that all I really have to do is tidy up a little. That's how clean I've been keeping it.

Anyway, I just feel like I sit around and do nothing all day and it gets old. I tidy up and watch TV. Today I am hooked on the Travel channel. I've watched a show about where to find the best hot dogs, barbeque, & the most unique McDonald's. Next up? Something about the most fun food places. I saw a shot of Krispy Kreme.

Did you know that there is a McDonald's with a diner inside? It's in Indiana. And there's a McCafe in Montreal where you can get coffee and fancy desserts. The most unique? It's in Rome near the Spanish Steps. Somehow I don't think that I'd really want to go to a McDonald's if I ever get to go to Rome. Although they do serve gelato. Maybe I'd go for that.

Sundays are just lonely days. Oh well.

Pics from the weekend

Grandpa and Grandma's farm

Having fun. . .

BF started being mean and tickling me while my brother tried to take a picture. Or did I start tickling him? Hmm, I can't remember ;-)

Me and my little bro

Me and my big sis

Me and my niece Morgan

More tidbits

Here are some more tidbits from the weekend (the post before is the first one I wrote about the weekend):

1. BF is VERY detail oriented, which is good. He printed out directions, which I thought was a little funny since I knew where I was going but he was driving so it was ok. However, the directions were saying to go a different way that would've taken longer and I was a little irritated that he didn't seem to like the idea of me giving him directions. I finally told him that although I understand him wanting precise directions, that he just needed to chill and trust that I knew how to get to my own grandparents house :-) And I really tried hard not to get snippy. However, when we got to I-255 after him questioning whether or not it was really there, I couldn't help but say, "well look at that, it's 255!" in a slightly snippy tone. I think I did ok after that.

2. My brother isn't completely annoying anymore. I actually like hanging out with him.

3. My niece and nephew are wonderful and are growing up so fast! Mo is in 5th grade and loves playing her tuba. Jack is in 3rd grade and is a typical little boy. He still loves to color and draw but now he's hooked on video games and Star Wars. In fact we're going to coordinate who gets to get him what Star Wars movie for Christmas. He wants all of them, of course.

4. No matter how old I get, my mother will always make sure boys and girls are kept separate while sleeping in the same vicinity of one another. BF slept in the front of the camper Saturday night, while mom and I were in the back. For the occasion she made sure the two sliding doors that separated the front and back were shut (I didn't even know the camper had two sliding doors).

5. Despite that, BF and I still managed to sneak away and claim the hammock so we could stargaze for a little bit.

6. I still love Steak-N-Shake.

7. I had the realization that my grandparents are 81 and 79 and may not be around too much longer. I don't like that realization.

8. I will admit it fully. . .this weekend made me homesick for Illinois. I loved being back at grandma and grandpa's farm. I definitely miss being near my family. And probably wouldn't mind if I ever got the chance to move back. I would have to live near St. Louis though.

Down on the farm

The weekend was wonderful. BF and I got to my grandparents' farm around 11:30 on Friday night. I was up by 6 on Saturday (I was anxious to surprise grandma and grandpa and I wanted to see the sunrise). Aaron had let it slip to my sister that I was coming so the only people that were actually surprised were my grandparents (although they thought something was up because of overhearing Aaron and Tammy) and my aunt Gwen. She lives in the Dominican Republic and it was supposed to be a surprise that she was going to be there but it didn't work too well either! Our family can't keep secrets!

We don't do a whole lot except sit around the fire talking and of course eating at meal time. We had yummy biscuits and gravy for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch, and then our "feast" for dinner. That's when we eat the pig. I was happy to note that I wasn't the only one who wasn't happy about not roasting a pig this year. A few of us younger ones are already talking about doing more next year so it's more like the roasts we remember. A lot of them have their own kids now and want them to experience it like we did when we were the little kids.

BF had fun. He said he really felt comfortable with Tammy and Aaron (they liked him too). Mom talked to him more this time and, of course, Dad is difficult to figure out. I told him we'd been trying for a long time and we've learned to love him anyway.

It was so relaxing; we sat around the fire, walked around the farm a little bit, and played frisbee and kicked a soccer ball around. At one point I kicked the ball around with my little cousin, Kim. She's sweet; she's in 8th grade and I've figured out that although she has her ditzy moments, I think she's really smart. School is frustrating for her because it's too easy. She was saying something about being in scholastic bowl and being a nerd and I told her that nerds were the coolest, most interesting people! She is a bit ditzy though; apparently she missed the part about BF being my boyfriend, she thought he was just some unknown cousin. I laughed at her for awhile for that one!

BF and I can be a couple of dorks sometimes. Saturday night when we were getting ready to go to bed, we ended up dancing around to the ringtones on both of our phones. It was funny.

Ok time to go back to work. I have more to tell though so stay tuned!

We're off!!!

First of all, my truck is fixed. It was the starter.

Next, tomorrow BF and I leave for Illinois! We won't get there until about midnight and have to leave early on Sunday but we're going! It's very cute; he's actually nervous about meeting my family. Down to being worried about what he should wear. Awww....what's really funny is I said something about what to wear while we drove and he said "you're such a girl." I said, "yes I am, and very proud of it."

I'm excited. We're going to eat at Steak-N-Shake (we're going to eat at one then down the road further stop at one to get shakes!), stop at a Shop-N-Save so I can get some Wolfgang Puck soup, eat some good homemade food, and just relax. And I'll try not to dwell on the fact that there's no pig.

My truck

My truck is dead in a grocery store parking lot.

I'm frustrated. I tried jumping it but it didn't work. So now I will have to go get the battery tested and clean it up a little to see if it really is the battery.

If not, who knows what it is.

These things happen and it makes me frustrated because I know that if I wasn't such an idiot with money I'd be able to get a different vehicle. But no, I'll be stuck with my truck for who knows how long.

Oh well.

Hopefully tomorrow someone will take me to get the battery tested.

Things that make me happy

1) Morning text messages from a certain someone

2) Mid-morning text messages from that same certain someone

3) Fields of sunflowers

4) Monarch butterflies on the sunflowers

5) Not caring that I have walked by a certain minivan twice today

6) Being able to listen to songs that used to make me sad

7) This is the Monday that BF comes up to pick me up from work and take me to dinner.

8) Chatting with women from work

9) Knowing that there's a very good chance I will finish knitting my brother's scarf by this weekend

10) Going to my family reunion this weekend and BF coming with me

11) Looking forward to the fact that I am less than a week away from eating at Steak-n-Shake

weekend update

I think it's funny I went from writing multiple things some days to hardly anything. I'm not sure what to write. But here goes:

-Rehearsals for Fiddler are going well. The only bad thing about rehearsals this week is there is one on Thursday night which is the same night as the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. I'm not happy about that. Other than that besides having to hit a really high note out of the middle of nowhere, it's great.

-Work is going well. I've been praying that I can just handle the mundane tasks as best as possible. I love the office; it's been a really good experience.

-I participated in small town America Saturday. BF's little town was having a little celebration. His youth group sold drinks, we had AMAZING BBQ, and went to the rodeo. It was fun! I got worried everytime a guy got bucked off though. I have horrible memories of the movie 8 Seconds.

-Before that, I went down to where he lives to one of the many amazing sunflower fields. I borrowed BF's camera and took pictures. I'm hoping out of 3 rolls of film I have a few that would make a pretty collage for my mom for Christmas. She loves sunflowers. I also hope that the shots of the butterflies on the sunflowers turned out ok. It was amazing standing there in the field and watching all the butterflies and other insects buzzing around.

-This coming weekend is my family's annual pig roast in Illinois. Unfortunately they passed on responsibility to my uncle and he apparently decided that it was too much of a hassle to actually roast a pig. I'm not happy about that; this is the first time I've gotten to go since I moved to Colorado. One amazing thing? BF is coming with me!!! So he'll get to meet ALL my family. He's a little nervous. I told him not to be except for the fact that if it was ever needed, my brother, cousin, and uncle could all snap him like a twig ;-)

-Every so often BF just makes me catch my breath. Like when he tells me there's a song that makes him think of me. I told him that if he likes to see me smile so much, he should've seen me once he told me that. How come it's so easy to fall for those things? ;-)

I bet you wish you knew what song it is. hehehe, too bad! I'm not tellling!

What time is it?

It is 3:30 am.

I am awake. And I don't feel well. I am not sure what's wrong.

Now I am watching music videos. This is like the only time you can actually watch videos. There's a really weird song on right now; I don't who sings it or what it's called but the video is a little weird. well the guy singing it is a little weird. Ok it's silverchair who I think I've heard of. But I'm not sure what else they sing. Now there's another song that isn't that great. It's funny hearing white boys singing R & B type songs. It's hard to pull it off. Except this guys last name makes me think he's Jewish. Justin Timberlake can kinda pulls it off. Actually I love his song lovestoned. It's so much fun to dance to. There are a lot of songs I want to get. Ok what is with Nelly Furtado turning into a slutty hip-hop singer? I used to like her stuff. Now she's completely different, and of course, more popular. It's all about the benjamins. Ha!

Geez there's a lot of interesting commercials on now.
Oh have you heard of a movie that has to do with the 60s? It's a musical called Across the Universe. BF keeps turning up his nose at it but I think it looks awesome. I'll proably go see it.

So I'm to the point where I really don't like that I only get to see BF a few times a week. I miss him a lot during the week. And now I'm running into a dilemma. My church is starting a Saturday night service and I really want to be involved. Except. . .Saturdays are when I get to see BF. On days he doesn't work I usually go see him pretty much as soon as I wake up and get ready. On days he does work (every other week) I'm there pretty much when he gets home. So I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to commit to help with the service and then turn around and not stick with it. I don't want to miss out of spending time with BF. But then I wonder if the reason of wanting to see my boyfriend isn't a good reason to not be involved. I don't know.

Ok that's enough rambling. It's 4 am now.

Glasses

First order of business: I am getting a new e-mail address. Or a better way to put it is that I'm not renewing my Mac e-mail so I'm going to switch to a different one. I think between facebook and myspace I will pretty much be able to notify everyone who needs or wants it but if for some reason you don't get a message from me and do want my e-mail let me know.

Next, I am stuck wearing my glasses. Funny story really. Last night I opened my window because it was going to be nice and cool. Well my window is right by my balcony and my balcony is where a tarp and some plastic got put after I moved (since it was rainy the day I moved). Well the wind was blowing the plastic and it woke me up so I proceeded to go outside (at 1 am) to try to tuck some of the ends under so they wouldn't blow around as much. I did this twice and at one point my eyes were getting dry and my contacts were messing up so I rubbed them a little and I guess managed to rub a contact out. Now if anyone is asking why I was sleeping in my contacts it's because they are disposable night and day ones, so technically I can (even though I've been told not to, oops). So I woke up this morning to blurry vision and finally realized why.
Luckily I found a doctor that can see me today and if I'm really lucky he'll have a pair of contacts in my prescription to hold me over until the ones I will order come in. If not, I will be stuck wearing my glasses for at least a week. And BF will have to see me in them. I guess since I'm not used to wearing them, I feel like a nerd when I do. But oh well, he has glasses too.

Also, I really hate garbage trucks; they wake me up at least once a week at 5 am. This morning was the second time this week.

Captivating

I started reading the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge and I'm hooked. I borrowed it from someone, although I think I may have to go buy it. It's one of those books you need to be able to write in and highlight.
I have a million thoughts running around in my head.
One of the things is talks about is how you are taught to be a woman by your parents. And how things your parents did shapes you. A little while after moving to Colorado I went through the whole thing of forgiving my parents for things they did and did not do (which in their case was more the norm). After reading through those parts of the book, I was happy to note that I honestly have forgiven them. I can still look at the ways my parents shaped me, ways I do not like, but I'm not angry at them. It continues to be so freeing.

I recognize my mother's unique strength more now. She put up with a lot from us kids, dad, and dad's profession. But, in general, my mom was not a strong person. It took her a long time to find her identity, I think, as a wife, mother, and a woman. She was the kind of woman she believed she was supposed to be. She was quiet & passive. When she was angry, she would close up. The silent treatment was her thing. A lot of this came from her mother.
My sister had her issues with mom as well, but sometimes I feel like it was a bit harder for me. I sometimes think that she didn't know how to relate to me. She's always commented on how she is amazed at how smart I am and even how fearless I am. The first time I drove out to Colorado by myself, she was just amazed I could do something like that. She was impressed at my sense of independence. Over the last few years she has been more encouraging but while growing up there wasn't a lot of that. But anyway, despite all that, I know she did the best she could and I love her.

Things about dad were interesting. I never had any doubt in my mind that dad loved me. Adored me even. If you ask my sister, she would probably say that I had the tendency to be dad's favorite. But if the theory behind the 5 love languages has any merit, I don't think the way he showed love was how I received love. The worst memories I have of my dad have to do with his anger. The best? Him spending time doing special things with us kids like taking us to baseball games (even if he did make us leave early).

One thing that the book also goes into is the topic of beauty. I remember having the thought growing up that to believe you were beautiful meant that you were vain and that was bad. I remember telling my mom that I thought my hair was pretty. It was long, flowy, and soft. She told me that was vanity. Yes I know that beauty is fleeting and it's a lot more than looks, but I know now that beauty is not wrong. It's one of the things that makes me female. It is one of the ways we project the image of God. And His beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. By the world's standards I am not beautiful. I'm not super thin and my skin still resembles a 16-year-olds. But over the last few years, I realize that I am, in fact, beautiful. All of me.

So as much as I do enjoy the times I have my nights to myself, I also really like when I don't have my nights to myself. ;-)

Yesterday I went to BF's. He had to take some pictures of some churches so first we did that. It was about a 2 hours trip. :) We were both getting ansy being in the car. I couldn't sit still and we were both hungry. We got that finished then we went back to his apartment, made dinner, and watched Blades of Glory. It was funny.

I just had a good time.

I can't remember all the things I've wrote about BF. So I'm going to do a bit of that now.

BF lives in a little town outside of Winfield, Kansas. He works full-time at a nursing home and is getting ready to apply to the physician's assistant program at WSU. He is also a part-time youth pastor at a few little churches also near Winfield. He graduated from college the same time I did (with the same degree). Knowing that, you could probably guess that he's a few years younger than me. He's 23. It doesn't seem like it, though. I tease him sometimes that he's younger than my brother! It's fun.
Let's see what do I like about him? He's smart, funny, he loves movies, Mexican food, and he's just. . .incredibly sweet. And he's been so patient with me. There's been a few times when I've been a bit freaked out (a bit?!) and he's just been caring and understanding about it. I love that we just enjoy each other's company. I think I'm getting to the point that I really wish I could see him more often.
I start rehearsal tomorrow evening and he's still going to come up as usual, probably bring me a cranberry limeade from Sonic and take me out to dinner. And maybe if rehearsal gets done soon enough he can come over after Bible study too.

Oh man, I need to get ready for church. They changed the service times and now I have to be there 15 minutes earlier! It's throwing off my whole morning. I can't finish watching I Love Lucy! ;-)

Roddick lost. But he did play well.

I found out that I may not have to think about whether or not BF will stay in Kansas. Looks like he missed the application deadline for a couple and doesn't have all the prerequistes for the others. So now it's just Wichita State. Except there is a new prereq (just added this year) that he doesn't have. Now he will have to decide if it's worth taking it with the risk of not getting into the program. I'm thinking he just needs to go to seminary like everyone keeps telling him he should. Then I can run away screaming. ;-)

Who knows.

Ok back to work.

Thinking

Things I've been thinking about:

1) Whether or not I should switch cell phone companies. I'm on verizon and I can talk to my sister and brother for free but I'm always on the extended network if I'm outside of Wichita. It's annoying. I've been looking at a few others. Choosing a new cell phone company feels as serious as deciding where to live or what career to choose. Luckily I have until January to figure it out. :)

2) I really want to get in shape. Little by little I've been trying to eat better, I have only had one soda in the last 3 weeks, and I'm walking and going to start yoga. And with any luck my high school and college tennis player BF will be up for teaching me how to play. Watching the US Open has got me itching to play again.

3) BF is applying to physicians' assistant programs. One is in Kansas. There's also Colorado, Oklahoma, and Nebraska. I'm trying not to think of it at all. I don't want to think of him leaving and then me still having to be here. But I know I can't worry about it. There's nothing even saying we'll still be together by the time he leaves anyway.

4) I really am looking forward to being in Fiddler even though I will miss Bible study for 10 weeks. Monday nights are when we'll be working on music and large group scenes, which is what I'll be doing the most of.

5) Roger Federer and Andy Roddick are playing in the US Open tonight. I'm going to watch. I am sure that Federer will win but it should be a good match. If Roddick actually wins then I would put money that he'd actually win the open. It would be an amazing accomplishment for him.

6) I have a lot of books to read. I started Uncle Tom's Cabin, The Divine Conspiracy, and A Journey through the Hebrew Scriptures. I also (at the suggestion of Val) want to get Captivating. I need to get going on them all.

Ok I think that's all for now.

Romantic day

Hmm. Do you think there's a part of me that is still scared shitless of relationships? And I don't even think that it's just relationships with men. I think it's all relationships and friendships. There's always part of me that is scared, I think. I'm scared that something will happen and we'll not be friends anymore. I'm afraid to call people because I figure they'll be busy and not want to talk. I figure it's easier to just be on my own rather than taking the risk of letting someone see me for who I really am. And even though there have been many relationships that have left me with my heart broken and a few broken friendships, I get proven wrong on so many occassions. There are so many people who have stuck by me and I hope that I will be friends with for life. I still figure I'm not that great of a friend back, but I'll work on it.
Another thing that I keep getting proved wrong on is about BF (oooo I almost typed his name out). I talked to him the other night about somethings that were bothering me. In the words of Val, I basically told him, "I want to be wooed, damn it!" So we talked about it. What's funny is when we were talking about it, he said that he had our date planned for Saturday. I was like "What?!" He had two dates planned and they were both a surprise. He gave me a few hints but I couldn't figure out what they were.
So yesterday I went to his place and picked our date. I picked Mystery Date #2, which was entitled "I've got you Babe, hook, line, and mallet":
1) Baking cookies (ok I knew that much because we needed cookies for a BBQ on Monday)
2) Dinner at the Hooker (yes it's a little place out in the country that is a restaurant/bait shop, hence the hook and line part of the title, they have AMAZING homemade pies)
3) Backyard croquet (that's where the mallet comes in, it was fun, I beat him!! And I think he was a little mad)
4) Watching a romantic comedy "Laws of Attraction" (that's where the I've got you babe comes in) It was actually good, usually Julianne Moore gets on my nerves.
5) Stargazing (that was my favorite part and one of the times when my truck comes in really handy)

It was a wonderful day. We also watched True Lies and the Incredibles. It's kinda funny; we're always watching movies. I love it. Next time he comes over to my apartment I think I'll have to get him to watch one of my old musicals. He needs to know who Gene Kelly is :)
The cookies turned out wonderfully. We made double chocolate chip and at one point he was measuring out the cocoa and spilled it and then I threw some at him. It was funny. When he lost at croquet he hit his ball really hard. I wished we could've played longer but it was getting too dark.
The movie was good . . . and I must say, I love cuddling. And that's all I'll say. ;-)
Stargazing was wonderful. We just layed in the back of my truck and stared up at the sky. We chatted a little bit and I teased him about losing at croquet. Then the most romantic thing . . . we saw shooting stars! It was wonderful . . . I didn't want to leave.

He has been so patient with me. He knows that I'm still a little scared but brought up how I need to be careful that it doesn't prevent me from experiencing something good. I know that's true. I'm trying. I'm still a little surprised he hasn't turned and run away but I'm thinking that it's saying a lot that he hasn't.

Oh crap I need to go get ready for church. I'm probably going to be late.

Frustrated

I am frustrated.
I'm frustrated that things went from getting better to right back downhill. What's wrong with me? I was excited about my job. . .it came at just the right time. . .and now I'm sitting here hating it. It's only been 2 months! Now I'm dreading that it lasts until next November. I've been feeling like this for awhile now. I love my boss and the people in the office but this job is already making me want to snap.
Then there's BF. Part of the time it all seems fine but then I keep finding myself unhappy about it. I want to be pursued. I don't want to always be the one making suggestions of when to get together. And feeling like I'm very low on the priority list. I think he really likes me but there's just something missing.

I got a part in Fiddler. It's small but it's something. Am I excited about it? Not really.

I got asked to sing in my church's worship team from time to time. Am I excited about that? Only a little.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do things seem to start going well only for it to all go sour again? This is so frustrating. I have no idea what to do.

Every once in awhile I am reminded that even though things are definitely better now, there are still times when I am not quite content about what my life is right now.
A lady from work had pictures from her trip to Colorado. I looked and now I can't stop thinking about it. I definitely still miss Colorado. Part of me still wishes I lived there. I still have no idea what my life is going to hold here. . .I could end up staying for quite a while. I could end up finishing up this job then moving on. Who knows. But I do know that every so often I'd do anything to go back. I've gotten to the point that I know I don't always want to live in Wichita. I don't really like it. And now that I've been here this length of time, it will make sense for me to plan on going to grad school at one of the state schools.
I don't know. Sometimes I think that I still want to live in the middle of a big city but then I think of wanting a garden and dog and it makes me want to live out in the country.

Right now, though, I will continue to be here and make the best of it. Who knows what it will hold.

Oh my gosh. I am home for lunch and watching The Fabulous Life of London on VH1 and they just said something about a diamond-studded tea bag! That's ridiculous! And I thought I had expensive taste!

audition

I auditioned for Fiddler on the Roof.

I'm not holding my breath.

I think I should find out by Friday or so.

Interesting day

So today was interesting.

I ran into D today. And got the satisfaction of letting him know that I was just fine. . .and that I had a boyfriend. :) Not that I need a boyfriend to be fine...but still.
I was a little nervous at first but then I calmed down. Why should I be nervous talking to someone like him?

The hardest part? One of the kids was with him. Honestly, that made me ache.

But it was fine. I realized that it was all a year ago. . .weird huh? So much has happened. Things continue to be good even when I freak out a little. I was thinking today again how things just really fell into place again and how I am changing and growing. It's hurt, it's been crappy, but it's also been wonderful and freeing.

Ok I'm going to go back to talking to BF now.

Brief tidbits

Few little tidbits:

Saw The Bourne Ultimatium tonight. It's really good. I went with BF and a friend of his. We also ate mexican food. It was yummy.

I am hanging out with someone from Bible study this week. So doing that whole getting out and getting to know people other than BF.

The most exciting tidbit:
My church is doing a production of Fiddler on the Roof and auditions are next week! I am going to audition and I really hope I get a part! It would be SO awesome! It would prevent me from going to Bible study for the next 2 1/2 months but it'll be worth it. I may not have to go every Monday night anyway.

Ok that's the end of the tidbits

I really need to chill

I just watched an Avril Lavigne video for her song, "When You're Gone." I am crying now.

This was been an interesting week. Work has been fine, except that the potential craziness that I thought would happen hasn't and I don't think it will. Ok there was some craziness surrounding the design of a poster that happened one day after I left. We have 6 events over two weeks starting next weekend that we're getting ready for. I'll be traveling all over Kansas. I'll be getting some overtime and a few days off. Woohoo!

For me, the most interesting has had to do with BF. Something hasn't seemed right the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out what is was. Monday after surprising a few friends with an anniversary dinner, we got dinner and he came over. Then he sat and looked at houses on my computer. Then Tuesday I got online after work and he said what seemed like two words to me, then said "I'm going to go, I'll talk to you later." I was a little irritated. And it wasn't the first time that I just felt like he had no interest in talking to me. Then I did some thinking and worked up the courage to tell him that it bothered me that we hadn't been talking as much. (Ok I told him in an e-mail). It bothered me that he seemed to really like me when we're around each other but then it's like when I'm not around he doesn't have to pay attention to me. I was a little worried about how he would take it but I also felt huge relief that I told him what I was thinking about. By the next morning (I didn't talk to him at all the rest of the evening), I had an e-mail from him apologizing. He did say that he does have the tendency to close up a little bit when he has a lot of things he's thinking about. Which doesn't have to be a bad thing but if I don't know that then I'm going to think it's something else, like him not liking me or something. Right now he's trying to figure out if he should buy a house, stick with the plan of going to PA (physician's assistant) school, or pursue a job at the conference office that is opening up. Personally it sounds like he still wants to go for being a PA so he should still stick with that. But anyway, he does have a lot to think about and I can understand that.
So I felt better until Thursday night. Then I found myself not wanting to sit around wondering if he was actually going to talk to me. So I just got offline and started watching a movie. That only made me more frustrated because I really actually wanted to be talking to him. So after a frustrated call to my mom I replied to a text message he sent and told him I was frustrated and that the only reason I started watching a movie and got off my computer because I didn't want to sit there wondering if he was going to talk to me. Geez what is it with me being all out there with how I feel lately? Well then we actually talked. And I told him what I was thinking.
I'm caught in the middle of being scared if it doesn't work out but also being scared to continue to get attached. I think I may already be attached.
Yes, there are some things I still think I need to do like continue to try to get to know some more people. There are a few options of some groups at my church I'm going to check out. And I think I'm going to try and encourage our Bible study group to do some more things outside of our normal meeting time.
It's so difficult sometimes to just chill and enjoy things from day to day. I do have trouble with that. Why? Why can't I just accept that right now is right now? Sometimes I look at my life and think it's not what it's supposed to be at my age. But why does it matter? Why do I think there's a proper stage of life associated with a certain age? I have no idea. I still have hopes about what I want to do. I am going to plan on starting grad school after my job at the conference office is over. I think I'm going to have to start studying for the GRE now! I looked at BF's study guide for it and I felt pretty dumb. I'm going to look into going to either WSU, K-State, or KU. By the time I am ready to go I'll have Kansas residency so I may as well at least get my master's here so I can get in-state tuition.
Anyway, things are good now with BF since we actually got to sit down and talk and he knows more of where I'm coming from. Last night was funny; he went over to a friend's house but kept sending me text messages. I kept being a flirt. It's fun flirting with text messages. :)

I get to see him this afternoon. I get to go to the country. I'm excited. I think I may be bad and go see if I can get a new shirt.

I think I have a wonderful art of bringing up something that makes it a lot worse than it really is. When I finally talked to BF I felt better about everything and think I just really confused him.
As corny as I still think it sounds, I know some of the reason I wasn't feeling good about anything in my life is my wonderful ability to stop trusting God. Ok maybe it's not that corny but it is sometimes still hard for me to admit that, yes, it makes a difference in my life. And when I do just sit and make it a point to put my focus back on God, I feel better.

Anway, last night I sawt he 3rd Austin Powers. And I liked it. We also watched Casino Royale. I liked it too. BF loves James Bond. Which is definitely fine by me; I want to see some of the Sean Connery ones.

Oh and here's the big news: I'm meeting his parents today. We're going to a casino in Oklahoma. He said his parents never go but decided to give it a shot. And it's an Indian casino which means his sister can go (she's under 21). I've already met his grandparents and now it's on to his parents, sister, and neice. His neice is about 7 months old. So we'll see how that goes.

Ok I'm going to the pool now.

tired of being afraid

I agree with the comment on my previous post. I think that is still one of my problems; as far as someone else to hang out with I don't have anyone. I will have to work on that. There are a few girls from Bible study that I think it would be fun to hang out with.

I have thought about everything and I think it really just comes down to me still being scared. I went down to visit BF last night and we went to see Hairspray (it's sooo good even though it's definitely better on the stage). I thought about it on the way down there and realized that I really have to stop worrying. I just need to enjoy it and not worry. I did that last night; I just relaxed and had a good time. I think he liked the movie more than he admitted. And he knew that I really liked that he took me. One thing I really like about him is that even though he listens mostly to Christian music (some of it is growing on me), he also likes a lot of old stuff from the 70s and 80s. On the way to and from the theatre we listened to some, including Journey, Bon Jovi, Eagles. . .lots of stuff. Even Meatloaf which cracked me up. I remember absolutely hating a song when I was 12 and never really liked it, that is, until it was in the Dr. Pepper commercial. :)

Somehow I will stop worrying. And over time I'm sure I'll be less scared. I am going to talk to him before Friday. It's so early on, I don't want to freak him out or anything, but I also don't want to pretend that there isn't a part of me that is scared. I think he'll be able to understand that. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Confession

I'm torn. I'll just come right out and say it. It doesn't really match up with what I've been writing.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the BF.

I like him. He's sweet, funny, cute, and just . . . great.

But there are times when it would just be so much easier if he didn't exist. I wouldn't have someone that I wanted to talk to. I wouldn't have someone that I wanted to spend time with. I wouldn't be disappointed when I didn't get to see him. I'm already not looking forward to this weekend; I found out he's doing something with his family so I'll just be sitting here doing nothing. And I'm just disappointed because this weekend is pretty much the only weekend until September that we would've been able to do something. Oh well.

I think of these things and it reminds me that really, I'm still alone. And I wonder how much I am willing to put up with the illusion of not being alone only to be reminded that I really am.

I just don't know...I love being around him but then every once in awhile these things creep up that make me wonder if it's worth messing with. Is it just me being afraid? Or should I take it to mean that maybe it's not a good match?

The problem is I do like him. A lot.

Long nights, renter woes, and therapy

Last night I managed to sleep from about 11:00 to 1:30. Then I was awake until about 4. Then I woke up again around 5. I think by 6, after sending a few text messages to BF, I fell about asleep until about 9. Then I laid in bed until 11 trying to go back to sleep. I finally gave up.

My roof leaks. They knew it when I moved in and someone was supposed to fix it. But there's like a monsoon going on right now and it is still leaking. I'm glad I didn't get rid of the bucket. I wonder if I can ask to to get a reduced rent rate this month since it's not fixed.

This rain storm started making me think about how much I love rain and thunderstorms. Someday I want to live somewhere that I can just see the clouds roll in and enjoy the storm without any buildings in my way. There's always this theme of comparing life troubles with storms. I can see where it comes from. But really there is nothing more wonderful and theraputic to me than the sound of the rumbling thunder and the flashes of lightning. And the rain. . .I love it whether it's heavy and the wind is blowing wildly or it's soft and slow. For awhile I just stood outside on my balcony and enjoyed the wind and rain. It was so relaxing and wonderful.

I had so much fun last night with BF. We were going to go see Hairspray but decided to go sometime this week. He was tired and wanted to just stay in. It definitely ended up being a good thing. We made homemade pizza, salad, and had chocolate cake for dessert (ok we didn't make that). We also had pixy stix :-) I really love how we can just have fun staying in, making our own food and relaxing with a movie. Or two. I'm still a little amazed by all of it. There are still sometimes when I find myself freaking out a little but then I calm down. He says something about how his day will be wonderful once he sees me or is willing to go see Hairspray with me, or keeps looking at me during the movie...and I think, wow.

I don't know if he's the "one" or not. It hasn't even been 4 months, but I really want to just see what happens. I like him. :-)

I did it.

I really wish that BF didn't live an hour away. And I really wish that he didn't have to get up at 5 am to go to work. But maybe that's a good thing. . . no late nights for us ;-)

Tonight he came over and I did something that for years and years fought against and told myself I wouldn't do. . . .

I watched Austin Powers. One AND two.

And I thought they were funny. I will probably watch the third one sometime soon.

I can't believe I gave in.

Even with more of a social life, most of my evenings are spent alone in my apartment. And even after only a few weeks; I'm tired of it. And even with cutting back on some stuff like cable and consolidating student loans, money is going to be pretty tight. So I will probably go ahead and get a part-time job. Maybe. The only thing is, I want Monday nights free for Bible study, Sunday mornings free for church, and Saturday afternoons/evenings open because not only will that be a time I'll get to see BF but also because I'm hoping to be involved in getting a Saturday night service started at my church. A group met about it last week and I really want to be a part of it.

So is there any chance of something that I could do 2-3 nights a week and Saturday mornings? I don't want to kill myself working a 2nd job that will keep me from doing other things. And if BF buys his house then one of the things he's going to have to do is not drive up here as much. I'll be able to go down there probably once a week and I want to make sure that will work. I don't know...

I wonder if I have a better chance of a pile of money dropping in my lap.

Issues

I have issues.

Lots of issues.

I will probably always have issues.

Does anyone not have issues?

this weekend

This weekend was a lot of fun. Tiring but fun. We ate a lot of food and watched Die Hard 1 and 2 on Friday night. We made omelets and watched an actually funny Christian comedian video on Saturday morning. Unfortunately I was really tired on Saturday. We went to bed around 2:30 am then by 6 am I was awake after realizing that I had slept in the same uncomfortable position and my neck was killing me. So from 6 until 9 I was in and out of sleep. Oh well.
After eating lunch at the Little Hooker (seriously that's the name of it and they have wonderful pie) we all ended up going back to Wichita to go to church at Q's dad's church (the same one BF and I went to last weekend). Then we all went to Q's parents' house for dinner. It was a lot of fun. It was so cool to just gather around the table and have a home-cooked meal. It got me to thinking about how I really hope someday I'm able to do that. And it makes me wish I had a table so I can invite people over for dinner. Oh well, I may still do that. We can just have an indoor picnic :)

So interesting little tidbit, BF wants to buy a house. Actually it's not just a house, it's house and 30 acres of land complete with a stream, 2 ponds, and 20 acres of hay. It sounds amazing except the house is kinda crappy. I think it's a cool idea even though the fact that he's younger than me and could actually buy a house kind of makes me ill. And that got me to thinking about my whole crazy money situation and what I need to do to make ends meet. I need to consolidate my student loans, see about getting some kind of line of credit or something so can actually pay off my credit cards, and sadly, get rid of my cable. I know I should still be open to the idea of a 2nd job but I really, really don't want to. Really don't want to. Even though, I do get pretty bored in the evenings. And I can't just always drive an hour to visit BF. I am already thinking of Thursday, though. ;-)

Anyway, last night after a very weird Bible study I was starting to get all down on myself but then I just. . .stopped. I knew I had no reason to. No reason at all. Because I belong to God and he's got me. I like when I remember that sooner rather than later. Sometimes I still get frustrated that I don't know what's going to happen and that my life is nothing like I thought it would be by the time I was 26, but really, it's still good. Who knows what's going to happen. Life is definitely an adventure.

Oooo, and I got a good indication that BF will be good at backrubs. Woohoo! He just keeps getting better!
Oh and the other day he mentioned that he doesn't have my blog address and I felt a little bad but I was just like "yeah you won't get to read it for quite awhile. Sorry." I am a little nervous about him being able to read this. . .which is also why I can't tell him about how some found this by looking up the pottery shop online (cause then he would find it). Which, btw, jayhawk: it's very interesting that you found this! I love the pottery shop! I hope you enjoy your trip to KS and I'd be interested in hearing more about your twins. I know life with kids (well not technically but I got a brief glimpse due to my would-be-stepchildren) can be hard, but even harder when they have special needs. Take care.

Oh yeah, it is an Xbox, not a playstation.

I'm excited about this weekend. BF invited me and a few people from Bible study to his place to hang out and watch movies. I thought about riding down there with everyone else but it looks like they will be leaving late in the afternoon on Saturday and I don't want to leave that early! And when I told him that I'd drive separately so I could stay later unles he didn't want me to, he said "oh no, I definitely want you to stay longer." :)

Ok I have to go back to work now.

Grand Theft Auto

Yesterday after work, I found out that BF wasn't doing anything besides going to his softball game at 9:30. It was looking like one of those nights of just sitting around not doing anything so I decided to just hop on down to see him :)

While we were eating a wonderfully simple meal of ham sandwiches and cheetos (I loved it), he began to teach me how to play Grand Theft Auto on his playstation (wait, I think it's a playstation. . .I can't remember which one). He's determined to get me hooked on a video game. It was fun but I get really crazy when I try to play a video game. It was hard get used to the controller; I kept overcorrecting while driving. Eventually I just tried to run over as many people and run into as many lamp posts as I could. And BF in his sarcastic manner said, "so it looks like the safest place for people to walk is in the street." I kicked him. ;-) I did get a little better the more I tried.

I probably shouldn't have but I went to the softball game (which caused me to not get home until midnight). It was fun. I've told him this before, but I really like his attitude towards it. Being a guy (and an athletic one), he can get competitive, but he's not crazy about it. He is just excited about playing and really easy going about it. It was supposed to be a church league but not enough churches signed up so they got put in a more competitive men's league. They haven't done very well at all honestly but he's just excited for everyone to come out and play. A lot of the guys are members of his church but don't come very often; he sees it as a way to just reach out to them to possibly get them reconnected to the church. I like that he doesn't get all bent out of shape when they lose or when someone messes up and doesn't do very well. And he doesn't get mad when he doesn't do well either. I just like his attitude about it.
I was excited for them last night; they played for the entire hour and got 8 runs and only lost by 3! Usually they get run-ruled. . .they usually get beat by about 15 runs or more.

So it was a good night. I just have to actually go to bed early tonight! I haven't the last few nights and I'm tired!